Dear anita,

Maybe I expressed myself wrongly. I meant I felt good that I didn’t do as he pleased in the end. That I would have felt worse if I did what he wanted and let him sleep over. So I was glad that I finally did not cave to his wishes.

And I also think, that you can always say no. Even to a nice person, who just wants to hang out. It is always o.K. And to say no to a person who just wants to use you, is even more o.K.

Yes it is tragic to fall for the lies of some men just because you feel lonely. At the beginning he was very sweet and I deluded myself into thinking that this could become a relationship. I admit that I didn’t act wisely. And I had to pay the price.

Like you I learned that I was of no value and too often I put the needs of others before my own. But I am willing to value myself more from now on.

Dear anita,

I understand what you mean. Yes, it is hurtful to make these experiences, I feel the pain too. It is never o.K. for anybody to take advantage of ones weaknesses. It is never o.K. to lie to someone, to get something out of them. You and I and nobody deserves to be mistreated like that!

The man from the dormitory told me all this misogynistic nonsense and mistreated me, but somehow I was still worried that I might have hurt him. I realised that what he was saying was wrong and that he wasn’t that intelligent (he called himself a genius… I could almost feel sorry for him, if he wasn’t such a douchebag!), but still I wasn’t able to kick him out of my life for so long!!

After the experience with K. I feel that I can see things clearer now. Or maybe because of your help and therapy. But maybe I had to go through all of this to finally get the wake up call!

Dear anita,

such behaviour, people telling you they love you to only mistreat you later, is very confusing. It is what confused me so much during my experience with the man in the dormitory. How confusing must it be if your own mother treats you like that? It must be so hurtful for a child.

Maybe that is why I didn’t get confused about my father’s behaviour. I cannot recall much of him showing his affection towards me. No hugs, no telling me that he loved me… He probably showed it in his own ways, by making it possible for me to get extra tuition for my problems with math and sciences and such things. But I remember the feeling that he disliked me and I disliked him. Today we get along better, he is more respectful, sometimes sympathetic. We still only shake hands as a greeting…

Thankfully you and I were able to look at ourselves and see that we need help. I think it takes trength just to admit that to oneself and then go out and try to change yourself… Hopefully I will be able to grow and heal more and more, like you did.

I agree, we need to forgive ourself, especially as we are trying to better ourselves and we have been through so much! But sometimes it’s hard and my negative thoughts about myself reappear. But the past cannot be changed, I need to stop living in the past. At least I understood better now, that I can control my thoughts. Even though I am not so succesful at this yet and often negative thoughts come up again… But in the last days I felt better. Maybe also, because I focused on uni and my goals more… And I got pretty productive, so I felt good about myself.

And how are you doing?

Dear anita,

thank you for your reply and sorry that I didn’t reply back earlier. I needed some time away from this forum I think… And I also thought that I was doing better…

And I want to leave the story with K behind me, finally…  So I made a new thread. And I also think the title of this thread is not how I would want to think about myself any more. Even though I am very flawed.

I will look through our thread again. You gave me lots of good advice there! And maybe it will calm me down more.

Hopefully one day, the opnion of others will not matter so much to me anymore and I will become more confident and calm.

I also wish you well! I hope you have been good since the last time we communicated!

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Lily.