Home→Forums→Relationships→The Feeling of Love- what does it mean?
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anita.
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June 8, 2026 at 11:37 am #458459
anitaParticipantFor the longest time, I felt anger at my mother, so I thought that I didn’t love her. Most recently (in the last year or so, I’m not sure)- I felt love for her, or so I thought.
It is only in the last 2-3 days, and today in particular, that I realize that the “love” I felt for her in the last year or so, was the LONGING to be loved by her, my whole life- minus a few recent days- spent hoping that she will love me back.
I say love in quotation marks because it wasn’t a cozy, calm feeling, that of basking in safety.
It was only a hope, and one to never materialize.
Now that I no longer hope, or now that I am in the process of letting go of this hope, I don’t feel that “love” for her, and that’s a significant relief.
Unknowingly, to me, I confused hoping to be loved by her (to be seen, approved of, liked, safe), with the idea that I loved her.
I loved a fantasy of her and hoped and longed for that fantasy to come true, which never happened and never will.
Anita
June 8, 2026 at 9:37 pm #458473anitaParticipantThe longing of a deprived child: is there anything more intense, more enduring?
The imagination of a child is limitless. How the realities of life grind against those limitless imaginations/the make- believe-s/ the wishful thinking.
Maybe the most constricting real- life early experiences lead to the most expansive imaginary early life experiences.
✨️ 🌿 ✨️ Anita
June 9, 2026 at 9:31 pm #458494
Thomas168ParticipantI wish I had something to say that would ease your mind and set your heart free from this burden. But, I don’t have any words that can do that. I have no magic. Only well wishes that fall like the rain drops. They all run together and get washed away. I am sorry.
June 9, 2026 at 10:10 pm #458497anitaParticipantReading your post is making me smile this Tues night, Thomas, in a good way, thank you! Talking about rain drops, it’s been raining cats and dogs here tonight, N.W. USA.
No magic is required, Thomas; your heart is good enough 🤍🙏
Anita
June 11, 2026 at 9:12 pm #458545anitaParticipantThe feeling of love- what does it mean? For me, growing up, it was about wanting/ needing/ wishing/ praying to be loved.
Which I wasn’t.
The desert of my childhood was that of no- love.
A long, long desert that extended into my adulthood, way, way into getting older and older, yet unloved, and even when I was- I was unable to receive it and to rest in it.
I suppose, if I was to write an autobiography, I’d title it “Unloved”.
* Thomas, if you’re reading this, it’s okay: it helps me to type away my thoughts and feelings as I do here. Me expressing the repressed and suppressed helps me.
Unloved, yes, that would be the title. I wonder if there’s already a book out there titled “Unloved”?
How many children grow up Unloved? How many adults never get to rest in love?
Anita
June 12, 2026 at 3:16 pm #458557
AlessaParticipantDear Anita
I’m glad you found a new place to visit and you met some regulars you know there again. How are you doing? 🤍
It sounds like Bogart has been having a lot of fun, but you’ve got things well handled. What is he up to nowadays? 😊
My girl just had her sterilisation surgery. She’s going a bit mad because she’s not allowed to walk for very long. Her and the cat are getting on really well. They have started cuddling.
I’m so sorry that you grew up with a lack of love from your mother. I know it’s not easy. I’m glad that expressing yourself helps you to feel better. I’m the same way. 🤍
I think there is a lot of love in the world. With brains having a negativity bias it is harder to notice.
Since my son was born, I have written down every time someone has been kind to him.
I think it’s easier to notice with a blank slate. 🤍
Most people on this site try to spread the love and make everyone’s day a bit brighter. 🤍
June 12, 2026 at 6:21 pm #458562anitaParticipantDear Alessa 🌿
Good to read back from you! I would have included white or blue hearts in this message, using my phone, but the feature of emojis showing up as I type no longer exists for me. I can use only the emojis somehow saved on the phone 😔
The meetings with regulars- there were only 2 and I don’t see a third. The Taproom Era is over. And so is the Winery Era. Maybe something new will take place next, sometime. I am okay nonetheless.
Bogart is a good boy! His friend Kurby ( the neighbors’ beagle) is here for a visit but he’s too busy chewing on a bone to play with Bogart.
Yes, sterilization for girl dogs are more difficult than that of boys!
Oh, the two cuddling..😊
Thank you for understanding that expressing myself makes me feel better! You are always welcomed to express yourself in any of my threads, or in yours, of course.
And thank you for your empathy 🙏
I like how you intentionally notice positive things. That’s a healthy practice!
Keep spreading the love, Alessa (white heart emoji)
✨️ 🌿 ✨️ Anita
June 12, 2026 at 10:39 pm #458567anitaParticipant🤍 🤍 🤍(using the computer)
June 16, 2026 at 9:17 pm #458658anitaParticipant“The Feeling of Love- what does it mean?”- whatever comes 2 mind this Tues Eve:
It’s wanting you to love me.
Someone out there, PLEASE love me?!
Why is it so difficult to love me?
Oh, let me count the ways, the reasons why I’m unworthy of love.
* After whatever-comes-2 mind: the above is vulnerability- this very act of telling how it felt for so long, toooo oooooo ooooo ooooo long can draw criticism of me.. one more reason to not love me.
Yes, there are so many people to criticize vulnerability (a person telling the unguarded truth of how it feels inside)
And, on the other hand, there are too many people who’d spot vulnerability (the unexpressed) and take advantage of it, vulture style (the vultures in my life)
I think that it’s courageous to express vulnerability as I do here. It makes me stronger.
Anita
June 29, 2026 at 11:09 pm #459014anitaParticipantI had the strangest thing happen this early Mon morning (it’s Mon night now): I felt LOVE for my mother AND I realized that it meant that I loved her, not that she loved me.
And that was the confusion all along:
Whenever I felt that I loved her, I also (without being aware of it) felt that she loved me. And then, I felt guilty for my love not reaching her, and for not being in contact with her (since 2013).
But this morning, I made the distinction between loving her and being loved by her. I loved her. She didn’t love me back. Because she was not capable. She still doesn’t love me and never will. Not capable.
Anita
June 30, 2026 at 12:47 am #459015
RobertaParticipantHi Anita
What an amazing & freeing insight. Your healing appears to becoming deeper & quicker. You deserve to feel happy, whole & loveable well done you for not giving up on yourself.
Kind regards
RobertaJune 30, 2026 at 10:22 am #459018anitaParticipantHi Roberta 🙂
And what an amazing, 100% supportive reply 🙏
When I first noticed earlier this morning that I received a reply to my late last night post, I felt tension in the body, preparing to be criticized/ shamed. It was an automatic reaction. I then took a moment and thought to myself something like:
‘There is no reason for me to expect criticism from Roberta. She didn’t criticize me before, and I don’t see a reason for her to criticize me now.’
Next, I read your reply and felt some relief.
This is how deeply her criticisms and elaborate shaming crusades reached me, so deeply that I automatically expect the same from everyone.
Thank you, Roberta, for not being “everyone” and for being part of my healing this morning 🙏
🌿🌿🌿 Anita
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