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Regret breaking up with him

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #351568

    Riya
    Participant

    Hello,
    My name is Ria. I have graduated an year ago and now looking forward to do my masters. I’m here to ask for an advice because I’m badly hurt by regret over breakup.

    I started dating my ex exactly around this time last year. We were together for six months ( though six months is not a longer duration compared to the great love stories that we usually read ). Our families know eachother for a long time and they are very close. So i know my ex since childhood but we never had any great interaction before it was all just casual meetings that happen until last year. Last year he proposed me at a common family meeting and said that he has been seeing me from 3-4 years and that he likes my nature and he wants to marry me. He is 7 years elder to me and well settled but on the other hand i was just freshly graduated and want to focus on career. Even my parents were also dreamt of seeing me in a good position in my career because i have always been an academically bright student so they have good expectations on me.

    So when he proposed me i was just shocked because i never expected that he had feelings on me. Though being from close families we have always been like strangers. After he proposed me i just didn’t say anything and just ignored him. Then he started messaging me asking about my opinion i told him that i can’t marry him because i don’t want to marry anytime soon as I’m preparing for the masters entrance exam and that i have career as my first priority then he said that he will wait for me and that he will propose marriage only when I will be ready. Initially i was very hesitant to accept the proposal but i did accept somehow. Later we started talking and started knowing each other. He just completely won me over. I told him about my insecurities and my dreams etc. He also shared everything with me. He was always used to say that marrying me was his dream. He was very caring understanding but short-tempered where as I’m a very soft, sensitive, active girl. Though he was easy to get angry he never used to get angry on me he used to treat me like a princess.

    Everything was going fine and he always wanted to meet me talk to me or message me then i told him that for the bright future together he has to give me some time so that i can concentrate on my career. I told him not to message me unnecessarily and only message me when he thinks it’s necessary. I knew that i was keeping restrictions on him but those restrictions were to me as well because even i also stop myself from talking to him. I started attending classes and started studying for the exams but then he used to message me unnecessarily then also i didn’t scold him because his intention was just to talk with me. So i told him again and explained him clearly and told him that he can message me occassionally but not daily because I’m busy with my studies but if anything important he can talk to me right away and I’ll be there for him. Then few days went and he used to get weak deliberately without eating so that i talk to him. I told him then that if he does like this i might end the relationship for the best of the two. Later we continued relationship and then after few days he again started doing the same thing and i was unable to concentrate on my studies so i got frustrated and for few days i fought with the thought of breakup. Because even i didn’t want to loose him but i finally broke up with him because i felt it was unfair of me to draging him into this when i could not reciprocate the same and i couldn’t give the time to this relationship where as he was trying heartfully to be with me. I felt guilty imposing restrictions on him. Other than this the other reason was i got frustrated because it was affecting my studies. So after the break up it was like a huge relief to me though i also felt very sad because even i wanted to be around him. After breakup he tried many times speaking to me about getting back together but i didn’t agree and just blocked him on my phone. He was devastated after the break up and i felt so guilty that i desperately wanted him to move on with someone else so that i don’t feel guilty anymore. After few days he kept marriage proposal in front of my parents to which my parents readily agreed because they know him and his family from a long time and had good relations with them. I told my parents that i strictly want to concentrate on my studies and that i have made the decision. Then in this January i gave my entrance exam and the result was good and i decided to go for higher studies. Then again in February my parents again asked me about his marriage proposal but i told them about my plans.

    Then in early march i heard that his family arranged his marriage with someone else. Initially i didn’t feel bad but later after 10 days i couldn’t take in the fact that he won’t be mine anymore and i started missing that relationship and missing him as a person. I remember him every moment. I have dreams about him. I wake up every morning thinking about him. I’m just completely tortured by this regret.

    He messaged me 20 days back but this time he was so angry on me and he started saying that i should have not accepted the relationship and that he was happy after i left him he also started hitting on my insecurities while he was saying all these i just asked him to be in senses before speaking because i was just shocked to hear him saying those words to me. Then we ended the conversation after him saying few cuss words to me. Though he has said all those things my heart still wanted him but i didn’t tell him anything.

    Then a week back he messaged me and apologized me for talking to me in that way and asked me to be friends because our families are so close so we do get to meet in future so to not make things embarassing he asked me to be friends. To which i said okay then he started flaunting his fiancee and started saying those things about her which he once used to tell about me. He said that his fiancee is very understanding and that he was happy. I told him that i was so happy for him and told him all the best in advance for his marriage and ended the conversation.

    I felt very horrible because now that i started feeling like this towards him, he has replaced me with some one else and completely moved on with that girl. He was my first love and he was the first person towards whom i felt like this. Our common friend told me that new girl is okay but she hasn’t completed her graduation and didn’t have any interest on studies.

    I understand that it’s selfish to feel like this way as I’m the one who has ended relationship but maybe somewhere in my heart i thought that he will wait for me and he will never replace me so i thought i can go back to him after few years but now that he has really replaced me with someone else i could not take it.

    Because of this lockdown due to corona his marriage is postponed now i might have to attend his marriage after few days as our families still have a very good relation. Now i won’t be able to take the pain of him marrying someone else in front of my eyes. For the past one month I’m unable to focus on my studies also.

    Please give me an advice to move on.

    • This topic was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by  tinybuddha.
    • This topic was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by  tinybuddha.
    #351590

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Riya:

    I have read the stories of hundreds of women in these forums, as I participate here every day for almost five years. As I read your post I was impressed by how reasonable you are, how fair you were with this man, how assertive, keeping your priorities in mind, and overall your level of maturity and reasonable thinking is rare in my experience, for a woman of any age!

    Reads to me that he is not mentally healthy. In other words, he is not well: he has shown not only an anger problem: becoming abusive when angry, but also a dishonestly manipulative streak as to not eat so that he contact you more often and get your attention. If he replaced you with another woman, it is fortunate that he did, fortunate for you, that is.

    If I was you, I would resume with him the same relationship you had with him earlier than last year at this time: “we never had any great interaction before it was just all.. casual meetings…. we have always been like strangers”.

    This was your first relationship, so please don’t lose your mental health and reasonable thinking following this one short relationship with a man who is not well. You deserve so much better than this: a relationship with a man who will match your level of health and maturity, reasonable thinking and assertiveness.

    The woman he is engaged to, maybe she will be okay with him, but I don’t think you would be okay if you married him: if you married him your advantages in life would have been lost. Congratulations for breaking up with him: there are better things awaiting you in life, on the other side of the pandemic.

    Post again any time you want to post.

    anita

     

    #351622

    Ravi
    Participant

    Hi Riya,

    He messaged me 20 days back but this time he was so angry on me and he started saying that i should have not accepted the relationship and that he was happy after i left him he also started hitting on my insecurities while he was saying all these i just asked him to be in senses before speaking because i was just shocked to hear him saying those words to me. Then we ended the conversation after him saying few cuss words to me. Though he has said all those things my heart still wanted him but i didn’t tell him anything.

    This appears to be more of attachment rather than love. The fact that he said those words after the breakup shows that clingy feeling, that neediness. that feeling of desperate wanting to be with you. A truly loving person wouldn’t say this.

    If a son/daughter wants to go for higher studies to another country, a mother does not curse the him/her or say bad things or ask to stay with her all the time. The mother even though inside would like to be always with her child, but will willingly allow the son/daughter to go abroad for further studies without that neediness, that attachment. This is true love….Divine love.

    Like it is truly said – If you like a flower you will pluck it, but if you love it you will nurture it, water it, and allow it to grow.

    It doesn’t look like you did anything wrong. Focus on your dreams and aspirations which is to continue with the studies and establish the career that you have desired for. The man of your dreams would come to you at the right time at the right place.

    #351672

    Riya
    Participant

    Hi Anitha and Ravi

    Thank you so much for getting back to me.

    The things that you have told about me, it means a lot to me Anitha.

    I appreciate your advice of me maintaining the same relation that we had earlier this year. Infact i have been maintaining this since the breakup and i didn’t speak to him since then whenever we encountered each other at family gatherings because i didn’t want to raise the hopes of getting back and depress him again. It’s only last month that i spoke to him after he messaged me in which he said that i cheated him by breaking up the relation and that i made him depressed a lot because of the breakup. I understand breakups are hard and even i was so guilty after break up but now after he has said this I’m feeling like i have been so selfish and that i made him feel like that. This feeling is just killing me inside. But even he knows that career has always been my first priority more than anything else.

    When I was breaking up at the end of relationship he asked me, whether i will marry him if he gives me time and doesn’t disturb me till i reach a position in my career( he asked me for a second chance) to which i told him that now i don’t want to have any commitments towards marriage and that i will only think about it when i feel like doing it and that i may or may not marry him so i told him not to wait for me and later blame me if i don’t marry him. Because i don’t want to force him to wait for me because whether to wait or not is his wish.

    When we were together i told him about my journey with an illness when i was 18 years old and how i was depressed during that period and how i came out of that illness and depression and became healthy and how it had changed my personality and vision towards life. Last month when he messaged me, just to make me feel sad he started saying that i might return to that depressing phase again and become unhealthy and suffer then i just told him not to worry because it’s me and my body and mind which will fight with the problems. I have been so cool to him when he was hitting like this on my insecurities but later I’m feeling so guilty that i made a person suffer so much that who has once treated me like a princess and appreciated my journey of being strong in life started saying like that i deserve difficulties like those depressing phases in my life.

    #351676

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Riya:

    You are very welcome.

    “he was easy to get angry, he never used to get angry on me, he used to treat me like a princess”, and then he got angry at you. When he got angry at you, he didn’t treat you like a princess: “this time he was so angry on me and he started.. hitting on my insecurities.. Then he ended the conversation after him saying a few cuss word to me”-

    – the Princess treatment was temporary to begin with, it was a time limited princess treatment. The princess treatment was conditional on things going his way. It was only a matter of time before you were to fall from Princess to Unworthy.

    This is how I imagine your life with him if you were to marry him: he would  have treated you like a princess again until the next time you don’t do things his way. Over time you will feel more and more guilty, as if you are responsible for his change of treatment.

    This Princess-> Unworthy treatment is a manipulative strategy aimed to break down a person, so that the person submits to the manipulator. It is not a strategy necessarily born from a cold hearted contemplation, but it’s a strategy that people somehow learn and adopt.

    Imagine if you had children with him, he would manipulate his own children this way and cause them much harm. Children suffer more deeply than adults, so  imagine how much your children would have suffered to fall from the high position of Prince or Princess to Unworthy, again and again, repeatedly.

    I have no doubt that you made the right decision to break up with him. But please be cautious when you encounter people in the future who will use your empathy and your strong sense of personal responsibility against you, like he has done.

    “I’m feeling so guilty that I made a person suffer so much who has once treated me like a princess and appreciated my journey of being strong in life, started saying.. I deserve difficulties like those depressing phases in my  life”- his manipulation worked on you: he got you to feel guilty, and that would be your state of mind as a married woman, if you married him: guilty.

    He didn’t really appreciate your journey of being strong in life, he used the information you gave him (your struggle with a disease and how it strengthened you) against you when it suited him. His goal is not to encourage your strength but to weaken you, and he has succeeded to a point, because you are suffering, which is what he wanted.

    I hope you heal and recover from this bad experience, learn from it and gain your strength back!

    anita

     

    #351712

    Riya
    Participant

    Thanks again Anita for your insights and time and i would definitely try my best to forget everything and move on and focus on my career because career is what i have left him for. I will now just stop feeling guilty or anything towards him because as he has moved on completely, it’s me suffering in the corner so i will just stop thinking much about it unnecessarily.

    Once again thank to you for getting back to me and i really appreciate your insights.

     

     

     

    #351734

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Riya:

    You are welcome, and I appreciate your kind words. I do hope you re-focus on your career. There may be moments when you will feel guilty again (once felt it tends to be felt again), but when it happens repeat reality to yourself, and if you want my take on reality, post again.

    anita

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