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My girlfriend is mean to me

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  • #420212
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    No, more like distant- afraid to offend me, not knowing “whats going on”. I think I often seem “cool” about everything.

    I see. So she is noticing that you are not “cool” about being mocked and ridiculed any longer (about being treated like a doormat, frankly), and that the dynamic has changed. And she seems confused about what to do. She did ask for an apology, but it seems she doesn’t know how to relate to you differently. More honestly. With more appreciation. Rather, she is silent and withdrawn. So the intimacy hasn’t grown, even if she isn’t insulting you any more, right?

    Normally she would say this movie is stupid and waste of money. Recently I think she is more mindful of what she is saying.

    I did express it, but she kinda laughs about it.

    Alright, so it seems she usually ridicules and laughs at the things you like. It seems she has a very different taste than you and also feels superior about it – as if her taste is better than yours. If so, I wonder – is there anything that both of you like and have a similar taste in, or your choices and preferences are very different?

    I talked to her couple of days ago. I told her she treats me like a child and I feel stupid most of the time. And that she mocks all my ideas, tells me what to do all the time.

    Well done, Caroline! That’s great that you asserted yourself and were able to stand your ground. Congratulations!

    And it’s nothing wrong about that, it’s just.. I am so much different, I used to be so much different. I wanted to make decisions together, I thought it would be nice. So I asked her: is this furniture nice? should I buy it? Shall we paint my room? etc..

    Yeah, a part of it I think is your desire for mutuality, to make decisions together, based on similar preferences. Perhaps you hoped you’d choose something you both liked, and that the process of choosing would be a pleasant experience. A sort of a bonding experience. But what you’ve received was being ridiculed and mocked, and your ideas being shut down. Basically, you’ve received rejection and put-downs instead of connection and bonding. Does this ring true?

    Now, with her being “polite” and silent, you’re still not receiving connection and bonding. There is still very little intimacy between you. And this is what you’re missing, right?

    And I don’t want her to pretend she likes somethings when she doesn’t, like last weekend when we watched a movie and she knew I liked it and I think she was a bit afraid to be honest. I think it’s more healthy for her to be honest and for me to respond than just be silent and pretend.

    Yes, it would be better if she were honest. But if she were honest, perhaps it would turn out that she likes very different things and that there isn’t much that you two have in common? I don’t know. How do you feel about that? Is there an activity (or more) that you both enjoy and that you can bond over? Because I think that’s important for the relationship – that two people have some common interests (not all, but some) and can spend their free time enjoying those shared interests.

     

    #420639
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    She did ask for an apology, but it seems she doesn’t know how to relate to you differently. More honestly. With more appreciation. Rather, she is silent and withdrawn. So the intimacy hasn’t grown, even if she isn’t insulting you any more, right?

    It has changed a bit. She is more respectful now.

    I wonder – is there anything that both of you like and have a similar taste in, or your choices and preferences are very different?

    Yes, we both like movies and decided we would go to the movies more often. We also like eating and cooking, usually bond over eating together.

    That’s great that you asserted yourself and were able to stand your ground. Congratulations!

    Thank you.

    Basically, you’ve received rejection and put-downs instead of connection and bonding. Does this ring true?

    I think she misunderstood my asking for advise, which was on my part an invitation to choose things together as a couple, she understood it as me not being able to make decisions.

    Now, with her being “polite” and silent, you’re still not receiving connection and bonding. There is still very little intimacy between you. And this is what you’re missing, right?

    How do you understand intimacy? I am not sure if this is that should be understood from my posts. It’s really hard to describe a whole relationship in couple of posts here, on the forum.

    Is there an activity (or more) that you both enjoy and that you can bond over? Because I think that’s important for the relationship – that two people have some common interests (not all, but some) and can spend their free time enjoying those shared interests.

    Yes, there are some activities that we both like. Actually we both work too much so we decided we would go out more, ride bikes together or just go for walks. We both agree we should be more active. We are going to concert soon and planned some trips to the movies.

    #420641
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    good to hear from you! I am glad things have improved and your girlfriend is more respectful now.

    Also, good to hear that you’ve decided to work less and spend more time together, doing the things you both like. It all sounds promising.

    How do you understand intimacy? I am not sure if this is that should be understood from my posts. It’s really hard to describe a whole relationship in couple of posts here, on the forum.

    I meant emotional intimacy primarily. Like, being honest with each other about how you feel. Because you said that initially, when you told her you felt disrespected, she withdrew a little and was silent. Polite, but withdrawn. She didn’t share her feelings with you.

    Also, you said earlier that you don’t talk much about the stress she might be experiencing at work, although you suspected it was one of the reasons she became more snappy with you in this past year. That’s why I thought that she doesn’t talk much about what’s bothering her, i.e. that she doesn’t talk about her feelings too much.

    You too said that till now, you’ve always played “cool” when she was rude to you –  you were afraid to say that you were hurt. But this changed in recent times, and you spoke up, which is great.

    Anyway, emotional intimacy (i.e. being open and honest about our emotions) is what I had in mind.

    I am glad things seem to be improving though and you’re getting closer to each other again.

     

    #420642
    Caroline
    Participant

    Because you said that initially, when you told her you felt disrespected, she withdrew a little and was silent. Polite, but withdrawn. She didn’t share her feelings with you.

    Yes, that was weird but as I said, I think she was just unsure what was going on because I always seemed so cool and “tough” when she was disrespecting me. As if I didn’t care. She was surprised because it was happening for quite some time.

    you said earlier that you don’t talk much about the stress she might be experiencing at work, although you suspected it was one of the reasons she became more snappy with you in this past year. That’s why I thought that she doesn’t talk much about what’s bothering her, i.e. that she doesn’t talk about her feelings too much.

    Yes, that is the case. I asked her about it, and she said it has nothing to do with her dog passing, just she is working too much and she is stressed. She got new responsibilities. I am happy for her, I think she is too but it involved a lot of stress and she never had that much going on in her life. She told me this is the reason. She also admitted she is rude to her mother because of that (she works from home and is on camera very often and her mother is coming into her apartment(it’s in the same house) when she’s in a meeting sometimes.). I think she is aware of this and I am happy I brought it up. However, I am still cautious and try to be aware if she doesn’t come back into her “old self”. Which she did not for now.

     

    #420644
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    Yes, that was weird but as I said, I think she was just unsure what was going on because I always seemed so cool and “tough” when she was disrespecting me. As if I didn’t care. She was surprised because it was happening for quite some time.

    Okay, so she was surprised by your sudden change of tack, when previously you seemed not to be bothered.

    I asked her about it, and she said it has nothing to do with her dog passing, just she is working too much and she is stressed. She got new responsibilities. I am happy for her, I think she is too but it involved a lot of stress and she never had that much going on in her life. She told me this is the reason. She also admitted she is rude to her mother because of that (she works from home and is on camera very often and her mother is coming into her apartment(it’s in the same house) when she’s in a meeting sometimes.). I think she is aware of this and I am happy I brought it up.

    Yes, great that you brought it up and could talk it through. It’s a good sign that she’s not defensive but realizes that she indeed was rude and snappy, and she wants to improve on that. So what you agreed on to work less and spend more time on leisure activities sounds like a great idea.

    Regarding her mother, maybe she can lock the door of her room while she is on camera, not to cause inconvenient situations? And to warn her beforehand not to disturb at certain times?

    However, I am still cautious and try to be aware if she doesn’t come back into her “old self”. Which she did not for now.

    Okay, so she is more pleasant, more respectful, and you agreed to make some changes, which should further benefit the relationship. Cool! I too hope it’s not just a temporary improvement but a real change. I am rooting for you!

     

    #420645
    Caroline
    Participant

    Thank you Tee.

    Regarding her mother, maybe she can lock the door of her room while she is on camera, not to cause inconvenient situations? And to warn her beforehand not to disturb at certain times?

    She should set some boundaries with her mother but it’s more complicated I think.. Her mother needs to be respected more, I think I mentioned how her father jokes about her etc. He does respect her, he is a good person, provides for the family, he is always there for birthdays etc, family celebrations etc. But he also jokes about her and I think my girlfriend kind of got used to that. Plus her coming into the room when she is working, I know it’s annoying and I would be anxious too, that someone would come to my room and ridicule me while in a meeting. I told her recently: “you wouldn’t yell on your dad if he came into your room, wouldn’t you?” and she said: “because he wouldn’t come in!” But she admitted she was being a bitch and she knows that.

    Anyway I have no control over the dynamic in her family, I don’t think she should live there anymore to be honest.

    What is important for me is how she treats me and this is what I will be fighting for.

    It’s a good sign that she’s not defensive but realizes that she indeed was rude and snappy, and she wants to improve on that. So what you agreed on to work less and spend more time on leisure activities sounds like a great idea.

    She was not defensive at all. She is not that kind of person, I think. She is rather understanding and calm, regardless of what I have been describing here. And it was not always like that. She did not have a job for years and didn’t believe in herself, she had this job where she cleaned some lady’s house, earning very little money. You wouldn’t even pay rent for her monthly earnings. She had no self esteem. She did not buy any clothes, anything. Then I got this job and I recommended her. (I have slightly higher position). I think I wanted to include her in some decisions and wanted her to succeed, I did not want to boss her around (which I think I used to in the past). I wanted her to be more confident and to see her succeed. And it got out of hand because I started to diminish myself so that she wouldn’t feel worse.

    #420651
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    you are welcome!

    She should set some boundaries with her mother but it’s more complicated I think.. Her mother needs to be respected more, I think I mentioned how her father jokes about her etc. He does respect her, he is a good person, provides for the family, he is always there for birthdays etc, family celebrations etc. But he also jokes about her and I think my girlfriend kind of got used to that. … But she admitted she was being a bitch and she knows that.

    It seems both she and her father put her mother down and make fun of her. I am not sure if her father actually respects her mother. Rather, it seems there is a dynamic where he feels superior (earns money, allows her overspending etc), but then reserves the right to make fun of her. Maybe that’s how your girlfriend treats her too?

     

    And it was not always like that. She did not have a job for years and didn’t believe in herself, she had this job where she cleaned some lady’s house, earning very little money. You wouldn’t even pay rent for her monthly earnings. She had no self esteem. She did not buy any clothes, anything. Then I got this job and I recommended her. (I have slightly higher position).

    Well, this is a plot twist, to be honest! Since your girlfriend behaved like she were superior to you, and you she said started acting like that since she got a new job – I thought she holds some managerial position and earns more than you. I thought that’s why she felt entitled at times (entitled to tell you what to buy, or to buy herself expensive things while criticizing you for ordering sushi…)

    But now you say that she actually had no self-esteem, worked as a cleaning lady, had very little money and that you found her this job. And that you’re higher in rank than her.

    And you say that while she was at this low-paying job, she was different towards you: she wasn’t so rude and bossy, but was rather “understanding and calm”? And it all changed when she got her current job and started earning more than before?

    I think I wanted to include her in some decisions and wanted her to succeed, I did not want to boss her around (which I think I used to in the past).

    In what way did you boss her around? Honestly, I can hardly imagine that, based on what you’ve shared about yourself so far. But you know yourself best. So did you behave differently while she was still working as a cleaning lady?

     

    #420658
    Caroline
    Participant

    <p class=”p1″>I very much tried to not offend her and to not make her feel like she is inferior. But in that situation, I thought, it’s really hard to make someone feel confident, when she was the cleaning lady and I was already working (maybe not earning big money but different sort of job than her). So many times I was really careful to not make her feel like I am better than her. </p>
    <p class=”p2″>Me bossing her around was.. I don’t know really.. telling her to make dinner while she was at my place, telling her to pick up a package etc. The least she could do, because 4 days a week she was at home (she cleaned only on 1 day)  and I worked 6 days a week. I felt bad, so I guess when she finally got the job I wanted her to feel better (she had some difficulties at the beginning – actually almost whole first year so I didnt want to brag how my job is going well etc. It’s not that well, I also have issues but I have very little work to do every day so it’s really not bad. )</p>
    Today I thought about the times when she was so humble, shy. I don’t say I loved it but now she is so different. I appreciate her being nicer to me and trying to watch my favorite movies with me etc.. but I get the feeling she is pretening, trying to be nice. That she is different now.

    #420659
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Caroline,

    I very much tried to not offend her and to not make her feel like she is inferior. But in that situation, I thought, it’s really hard to make someone feel confident, when she was the cleaning lady and I was already working (maybe not earning big money but different sort of job than her). So many times I was really careful to not make her feel like I am better than her.

    Did you feel that she felt inferior to you in that period? Did she makes some comments of that nature? For example, did she make you feel guilty because you have a better job and earn more than her?

    Me bossing her around was.. I don’t know really.. telling her to make dinner while she was at my place, telling her to pick up a package etc. The least she could do, because 4 days a week she was at home (she cleaned only on 1 day)  and I worked 6 days a week.

    Yeah, it doesn’t seem like much to ask, since she had plenty of time at her hands. What is important is how you viewed her: did you view her with respect, regardless of where she works and how much she earns, or you viewed her as beneath you?

    I felt bad

    You felt bad for asking her to prepare a meal, or pick up a package once in a while, right? It could be that you felt bad because she didn’t do it gladly, she might have indicated that you see her as inferior if you ask that of her?

    so I guess when she finally got the job I wanted her to feel better (she had some difficulties at the beginning – actually almost whole first year so I didnt want to brag how my job is going well etc. It’s not that well, I also have issues but I have very little work to do every day so it’s really not bad. )

    Okay, it does seem like you were reluctant to say anything positive about your job and your own achievements, because you were afraid it would offend her? That she would see that as bragging?

    So my question is: was she actually blaming you for having a better job than her, and so you felt you needed to walk on eggshells around her, not to offend her?

     

    #427129
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hi

    I decided to post here again.

    Did you feel that she felt inferior to you in that period? Did she makes some comments of that nature? For example, did she make you feel guilty because you have a better job and earn more than her?

    When she was cleaning and I had better job… I think yes I thought of her as inferior. She is younger and I already had more money, I paid for her many times. So I think I saw her as less capable at this time. Also I did shopping, made dinners etc. She usually just stayed at home doing nothing.

    Yeah, it doesn’t seem like much to ask, since she had plenty of time at her hands. What is important is how you viewed her: did you view her with respect, regardless of where she works and how much she earns, or you viewed her as beneath you?

    I know I wrote earlier I saw her as less capable. But I never bossed her around. I never made her feel like I was paying for things.. I wasn’t rude to her like she is now to me. I feel like.. I could say now to her: “I used to buy things for you and paid for pizza, cinema tickets etc and I was never rude to you. And now you pay for avocado or give me money for balcony chair and you are treating me as if I was a stay home wife, taking your money.” But I don’t want to be a jerk and say those things to her. What I don’t understand is… She was at a bad moment in life and I was there, I didn’t care about the money. I just paid for everything. And now she has a chance to drive me to supermarket (I don’t have a car) and she uses it to feel superior. She even once said “I drive you and you can’t even have a good mood” – like I was required to be cheerful and thankful because she is driving me. I never thought of this that way. I thought WE were driving together, not that she was driving me…as a favor.

    so i started to be more cheerful, more nice. And she started to be mean during shopping. and impatient, because… what else do I want to buy…

     

    You felt bad for asking her to prepare a meal, or pick up a package once in a while, right? It could be that you felt bad because she didn’t do it gladly, she might have indicated that you see her as inferior if you ask that of her?

    I think she wouldn’t feel inferior. Maybe it’s me who did not want to offend her by asking this.

    Okay, it does seem like you were reluctant to say anything positive about your job and your own achievements, because you were afraid it would offend her? That she would see that as bragging?

    I did not want to make her sad. I don’t know how she would perceive this.

    So my question is: was she actually blaming you for having a better job than her, and so you felt you needed to walk on eggshells around her, not to offend her?

    She wasn’t blaming me. But she had a hard time at work here, and previous one where she cleaned. So I always pretended like my job is shitty too. But maybe that’s just my point of view, maybe she would have been okay with me being successful etc. I am not sure. It’s just my choice that I undermined my own achievements so that she would not feel bad.

     

    Today there was again this situation.. I don’t know if I am overreacting.

    We were buying some snacks and we were at the counter. I already had my credit card and wanted to pay. When the assistant said I can pay, she said “I will pay” and I saw she was already paying.

    Next we were picking up takeaway dinner at the restaurant. Again I was going to pay, I already had my credit card. And she did the same thing. She said “I will pay” and quickly paid before I could say anything.

    Am I overreacting? Or is she disregarding me?

    If I saw she was already holding credit card to pay I would at least say: “I will pay you back”, or “I will pay next time”.

    I think she is disrespecting me by acting like this.

     

    #427132
    Caroline
    Participant

    I just feel like… we already talked about this and she was trying. She doesn’t tell me what I should buy or not, she seems to respect my financial decisions. And I know I should appreciate this, the fact that she understood and changed some of this. But I think she cannot change they way she sees me.. which is.. I don’t know.. a child? an incapable child?

    There are still things like: me saying “let’s watch a movie” and I say a title. Her quick respond would be “no”. Everytime. She doesn’t even have to think. “Let’s eat this and that”… “-No.” I no longer say I want to watch a movie because I know she wouldn’t agree. Unless we have time for two movies and she chooses one title and I can choose a second one. That way it’s obvious it HAS TO be fair. SO she lets me choose too. We watch something only when she say we watch this. When I say “we could watch this” – No. She never agrees. Or she agrees when I complain she doesn’t let me choose it, and  she watches it and I can see she is bored. And then I know it was a wrong choice of movie. So next time I know.. to not choose a movie.  I am already anxious about it because I am already afraid she won’t like and this movie is shitty.

    #427149
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Caroline:

    * I will be sending you a series of shorter posts instead of one long post because my keyboard does not allow me to copy. I normally copy a post before submitting it, so to not lose it if submission fails. So, here, I will send shorter posts so to not lose too much at any one submission.

    I went back to our Sept-Nov 2022 communication so to connect to what you shared yesterday. As I re-read our communication I am getting the feel of the Freeze Response that we talked about, which we both had in common as children growing up, and as adults (an experience that has improved a lot for me in recent years).

    Growing up within a hostile family (emotionally hostile, if not physically), we don’t really grow up but in, we grow inward. We don’t develop emotional and social skills because we freeze as children. We freeze until such time that it is safe to thaw and resume our development. But since it never gets to be safe, we enter adulthoods frozen, lacking emotional and social skills that are required for the leading of functional, satisfying adult lives.

    The emotional skills I am referring to are such as recognizing what you are feeling, being able to label your emotions (instead of drowning in endless overthinking and confusion), and once you label an emotion, understanding the message behind the emotion. For example: I am angry because I feel hurt. I feel hurt because this has happened and this is how I interpreted it. You then examine your interpretation, determine whether your interpretation is rational, and if it is, you then think about how best to respond to what happened.

    The social skills I am referring to are in the responding: in what you actually say or do, and how you do it. Assertiveness and Problem Solving are must-have social skill.

    anita

    #427150
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Caroline:

    Here is a key sentence, relevant to this thread, from what you shared back in Nov 2022: “I am trying to learn how to have healthy relationships with people, but it always ends with me feeling used, or taken advantage of, or being angry, and them leaving me for some reason“-

    – the Freeze Response prevents you from having healthy relationships because things happen=> you interpret those things as you having been used/ taken advantage of=> you get angry.

    Key is in the interpretation of what happened: is it an accurate interpretation? When you are not sure if your interpretation is accurate because you don’t have enough information, you need to talk to the relevant person about what happened, to get needed information, and to clarify feelings and motivations, so to confidently know what happened and proceed from there.

    For example, the title of your Sept-Dec 2022 thread is: “Is my friend abusing me?– at the time, you were not able to interpret the relationship with that co-worker one way or another: abusive or not?  When you can’t answer this question, you are lost in terms of how to proceed.

    I am skipping to the current June 1- July 2, 2023 thread, to which you returned more than 6 months later, on Jan 21, 2024: “Today, there was again this situation.. I don’t know if I am overreacting” (Jan 21, 2024)- right here is the struggle with interpreting a situation correctly (a mental-emotional skill), not being confident in that ability.

    (to be continued)

    anita

    #427151
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Caroline:

    We were buying some snacks and we were at the counter. I already had my credit card and wanted to pay. When the assistant said I can pay, she (girlfriend) said ‘I will pay’, and I saw she was already paying. Next… Again, I was going to pay. I already had my credit card. And she did the same thing. She said ‘I will pay’ and quickly paid before I can say anything“-

    – at this point, I do not see the wrongdoing on her part. Maybe I need context. If in the past, you told her that it offends you that she is paying for groceries when the two of you are shopping, or at a restaurant, then I could see that she’s been disrespecting you by paying. But without any context, it seems generous of her, not offensive.

    Continued quote: “Am I overreacting? Or is she disregarding me?… I think she is disrespecting me by acting like this“- you interpreted the two events as her disregarding and disrespecting you, but you are not sure that your interpretation is accurate, that’s why you are asking if it is. You are suspicious of her motivation.. but you don’t know for sure.

    There are still things like me saying ‘let’s watch a movie’, and I say a title. Her quick response would be ‘no’“-  if she really dislikes watching certain movies, no reason for her to watch them. Maybe she has ADHD and it is difficult for her to sit down and watch a movie that is boring for her to watch. Again, without an incriminating context, I don’t see the wrongdoing on her part.

    SO she lets me choose too… She never agrees. Or she agrees when I complain“-So sometimes you choose a movie and she watches it with you.. but so far every time you suggested to watch a movie she said No? And the only times her No changed to  a Yes, was after you complained about her initial No?

    I am asking these questions toward gathering enough information to determine if- in my mind- she’s been disrespecting you in the context of watching movies.

    To determine the same in the context of paying for groceries or dinner, I ask for information as well: did you tell her in the past that her paying for groceries and such offends you? If you did, what conversation proceeded on the matter?

    Of course, you don’t have to answer these, or any of my questions. But if you choose to answer, please be as clear and as factual as you can be, not including your interpretations of what she said, but only what she said (her words) and her actions, as well as your words and your actions in any particular situation.

    I am trying to help you with the mental- emotional and social skill of gathering information and determining the accuracy of your interpretations of situations.

    anita

    #427480
    Caroline
    Participant

    Anita

    Thank you for your advise. I will respond to all your questions. Just need some time.

     

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