Dear Caroline,

No, more like distant- afraid to offend me, not knowing “whats going on”. I think I often seem “cool” about everything.

I see. So she is noticing that you are not “cool” about being mocked and ridiculed any longer (about being treated like a doormat, frankly), and that the dynamic has changed. And she seems confused about what to do. She did ask for an apology, but it seems she doesn’t know how to relate to you differently. More honestly. With more appreciation. Rather, she is silent and withdrawn. So the intimacy hasn’t grown, even if she isn’t insulting you any more, right?

Normally she would say this movie is stupid and waste of money. Recently I think she is more mindful of what she is saying.

I did express it, but she kinda laughs about it.

Alright, so it seems she usually ridicules and laughs at the things you like. It seems she has a very different taste than you and also feels superior about it – as if her taste is better than yours. If so, I wonder – is there anything that both of you like and have a similar taste in, or your choices and preferences are very different?

I talked to her couple of days ago. I told her she treats me like a child and I feel stupid most of the time. And that she mocks all my ideas, tells me what to do all the time.

Well done, Caroline! That’s great that you asserted yourself and were able to stand your ground. Congratulations!

And it’s nothing wrong about that, it’s just.. I am so much different, I used to be so much different. I wanted to make decisions together, I thought it would be nice. So I asked her: is this furniture nice? should I buy it? Shall we paint my room? etc..

Yeah, a part of it I think is your desire for mutuality, to make decisions together, based on similar preferences. Perhaps you hoped you’d choose something you both liked, and that the process of choosing would be a pleasant experience. A sort of a bonding experience. But what you’ve received was being ridiculed and mocked, and your ideas being shut down. Basically, you’ve received rejection and put-downs instead of connection and bonding. Does this ring true?

Now, with her being “polite” and silent, you’re still not receiving connection and bonding. There is still very little intimacy between you. And this is what you’re missing, right?

And I don’t want her to pretend she likes somethings when she doesn’t, like last weekend when we watched a movie and she knew I liked it and I think she was a bit afraid to be honest. I think it’s more healthy for her to be honest and for me to respond than just be silent and pretend.

Yes, it would be better if she were honest. But if she were honest, perhaps it would turn out that she likes very different things and that there isn’t much that you two have in common? I don’t know. How do you feel about that? Is there an activity (or more) that you both enjoy and that you can bond over? Because I think that’s important for the relationship – that two people have some common interests (not all, but some) and can spend their free time enjoying those shared interests.

Dear Caroline,

good to hear from you! I am glad things have improved and your girlfriend is more respectful now.

Also, good to hear that you’ve decided to work less and spend more time together, doing the things you both like. It all sounds promising.

How do you understand intimacy? I am not sure if this is that should be understood from my posts. It’s really hard to describe a whole relationship in couple of posts here, on the forum.

I meant emotional intimacy primarily. Like, being honest with each other about how you feel. Because you said that initially, when you told her you felt disrespected, she withdrew a little and was silent. Polite, but withdrawn. She didn’t share her feelings with you.

Also, you said earlier that you don’t talk much about the stress she might be experiencing at work, although you suspected it was one of the reasons she became more snappy with you in this past year. That’s why I thought that she doesn’t talk much about what’s bothering her, i.e. that she doesn’t talk about her feelings too much.

You too said that till now, you’ve always played “cool” when she was rude to you –  you were afraid to say that you were hurt. But this changed in recent times, and you spoke up, which is great.

Anyway, emotional intimacy (i.e. being open and honest about our emotions) is what I had in mind.

I am glad things seem to be improving though and you’re getting closer to each other again.

Dear Caroline,

Yes, that was weird but as I said, I think she was just unsure what was going on because I always seemed so cool and “tough” when she was disrespecting me. As if I didn’t care. She was surprised because it was happening for quite some time.

Okay, so she was surprised by your sudden change of tack, when previously you seemed not to be bothered.

I asked her about it, and she said it has nothing to do with her dog passing, just she is working too much and she is stressed. She got new responsibilities. I am happy for her, I think she is too but it involved a lot of stress and she never had that much going on in her life. She told me this is the reason. She also admitted she is rude to her mother because of that (she works from home and is on camera very often and her mother is coming into her apartment(it’s in the same house) when she’s in a meeting sometimes.). I think she is aware of this and I am happy I brought it up.

Yes, great that you brought it up and could talk it through. It’s a good sign that she’s not defensive but realizes that she indeed was rude and snappy, and she wants to improve on that. So what you agreed on to work less and spend more time on leisure activities sounds like a great idea.

Regarding her mother, maybe she can lock the door of her room while she is on camera, not to cause inconvenient situations? And to warn her beforehand not to disturb at certain times?

However, I am still cautious and try to be aware if she doesn’t come back into her “old self”. Which she did not for now.

Okay, so she is more pleasant, more respectful, and you agreed to make some changes, which should further benefit the relationship. Cool! I too hope it’s not just a temporary improvement but a real change. I am rooting for you!

Dear Caroline,

you are welcome!

She should set some boundaries with her mother but it’s more complicated I think.. Her mother needs to be respected more, I think I mentioned how her father jokes about her etc. He does respect her, he is a good person, provides for the family, he is always there for birthdays etc, family celebrations etc. But he also jokes about her and I think my girlfriend kind of got used to that. … But she admitted she was being a bitch and she knows that.

It seems both she and her father put her mother down and make fun of her. I am not sure if her father actually respects her mother. Rather, it seems there is a dynamic where he feels superior (earns money, allows her overspending etc), but then reserves the right to make fun of her. Maybe that’s how your girlfriend treats her too?

And it was not always like that. She did not have a job for years and didn’t believe in herself, she had this job where she cleaned some lady’s house, earning very little money. You wouldn’t even pay rent for her monthly earnings. She had no self esteem. She did not buy any clothes, anything. Then I got this job and I recommended her. (I have slightly higher position).

Well, this is a plot twist, to be honest! Since your girlfriend behaved like she were superior to you, and you she said started acting like that since she got a new job – I thought she holds some managerial position and earns more than you. I thought that’s why she felt entitled at times (entitled to tell you what to buy, or to buy herself expensive things while criticizing you for ordering sushi…)

But now you say that she actually had no self-esteem, worked as a cleaning lady, had very little money and that you found her this job. And that you’re higher in rank than her.

And you say that while she was at this low-paying job, she was different towards you: she wasn’t so rude and bossy, but was rather “understanding and calm”? And it all changed when she got her current job and started earning more than before?

I think I wanted to include her in some decisions and wanted her to succeed, I did not want to boss her around (which I think I used to in the past).

In what way did you boss her around? Honestly, I can hardly imagine that, based on what you’ve shared about yourself so far. But you know yourself best. So did you behave differently while she was still working as a cleaning lady?

Dear Caroline,

I very much tried to not offend her and to not make her feel like she is inferior. But in that situation, I thought, it’s really hard to make someone feel confident, when she was the cleaning lady and I was already working (maybe not earning big money but different sort of job than her). So many times I was really careful to not make her feel like I am better than her.

Did you feel that she felt inferior to you in that period? Did she makes some comments of that nature? For example, did she make you feel guilty because you have a better job and earn more than her?

Me bossing her around was.. I don’t know really.. telling her to make dinner while she was at my place, telling her to pick up a package etc. The least she could do, because 4 days a week she was at home (she cleaned only on 1 day)  and I worked 6 days a week.

Yeah, it doesn’t seem like much to ask, since she had plenty of time at her hands. What is important is how you viewed her: did you view her with respect, regardless of where she works and how much she earns, or you viewed her as beneath you?

I felt bad

You felt bad for asking her to prepare a meal, or pick up a package once in a while, right? It could be that you felt bad because she didn’t do it gladly, she might have indicated that you see her as inferior if you ask that of her?

so I guess when she finally got the job I wanted her to feel better (she had some difficulties at the beginning – actually almost whole first year so I didnt want to brag how my job is going well etc. It’s not that well, I also have issues but I have very little work to do every day so it’s really not bad. )

Okay, it does seem like you were reluctant to say anything positive about your job and your own achievements, because you were afraid it would offend her? That she would see that as bragging?

So my question is: was she actually blaming you for having a better job than her, and so you felt you needed to walk on eggshells around her, not to offend her?

Dear Caroline:

Here is a key sentence, relevant to this thread, from what you shared back in Nov 2022: “I am trying to learn how to have healthy relationships with people, but it always ends with me feeling used, or taken advantage of, or being angry, and them leaving me for some reason“-

– the Freeze Response prevents you from having healthy relationships because things happen=> you interpret those things as you having been used/ taken advantage of=> you get angry.

Key is in the interpretation of what happened: is it an accurate interpretation? When you are not sure if your interpretation is accurate because you don’t have enough information, you need to talk to the relevant person about what happened, to get needed information, and to clarify feelings and motivations, so to confidently know what happened and proceed from there.

For example, the title of your Sept-Dec 2022 thread is: “Is my friend abusing me?– at the time, you were not able to interpret the relationship with that co-worker one way or another: abusive or not?  When you can’t answer this question, you are lost in terms of how to proceed.

I am skipping to the current June 1- July 2, 2023 thread, to which you returned more than 6 months later, on Jan 21, 2024: “Today, there was again this situation.. I don’t know if I am overreacting” (Jan 21, 2024)- right here is the struggle with interpreting a situation correctly (a mental-emotional skill), not being confident in that ability.

(to be continued)

anita