Hi Mikaylia,

Three huge decisions were made by you and your coworker within what seems to be a relatively short period of time: 1) to start an affair 2) to separate from your spouses 3) to divorce your spouses. Now that his divorce is final, it could be that he’s suddenly seeing clearly how his (impulsive?) decisions have affected others, including his children. Maybe this realization has hit him like a ton of bricks.

Asking to get your things hasn’t ruined your chances with him. I don’t think his behavior has anything to do with you. What I’d do is give him all the space he needs. Pick up your things, tell him you love/miss him, and leave. Give him a chance to regain his footing.

B

Hi Mikalia,

Now that he is divorced, this is the first time he’s been himself, single, for quite a long time.

You made two mistakes: seeing him while he was technically married and moving in with him.

You, my dear, represent the end of his marriage, the end of a time of life. Not the beginning of a new one.

Everyone gets hung up on the Things. Things are things. Not pawns for hostage negotiations. He’s grieving the end of his marriage, and/or figuring out his new way of life, and you go asking about the banality of Things. He is not fooled. He knows that the talk of your Relationship (or lack thereof) is inevitable.

I say pick up your Things, tell him you have to run (school play/sick mother/picking kid up/something in the oven). This way he will talk about the relationship at a later date. If he wants to. If he chooses to.

Then ghost him as long as he had ghosted you. A few weeks later, perhaps return a text.

Then begin again. If you’d want to??

Best,

Inky

Dear Mikalia,

When you met, you and this person were both looking for something that your respective marriages weren’t providing.  Before long, you moved in together and all the children became involved.  Children want their parents together and resent the intrusion of another person into what was their family unit.  This is bound to cause tensions.

At this stage, I would advise that you collect your things as arranged and try to avoid discussing this non-existent relationship.  People get depressed when their lives don’t go to plan.  Divorce signals the end of all your hopes and dreams for the future that you once shared with your spouse.  It’s a loss and there is a grieving process to go through.  You don’t have a choice other than to let this happen.

I know it’s tough when you’ve invested your emotions into someone but you now have to withdraw as this person has done.  I’m afraid there is nothing you can do to make this relationship work.  It’s in the past.  You can live in hope that he might come back to you one day or you can move on.

Peggy

Dear Mikaylia:

As you gather your things, maybe it is a good idea to tell him that you understand that he is not in a good place, that he needs his space, that you love him but you will be giving him space, hoping he will be back to you, but knowing it may not happen, that he may not be back to you.

Then ask him if you understood correctly. If he says Yes, then you know the situation, if he says No, listen to what he says and post his answer here, if you want input on it.

anita

Dear Mikaylia:

You are very welcome. I will be looking forward to your update!

* will be back to the computer in about 17 hours from now.

anita

Dear Mikaylia:

In your original post you wrote: “Our living together was also causing tension in his divorce because his kids would talk about me to his ex and it would infuriate her”-

– likely she told his parents and maybe other people as well, and not in an approving way, to put it mildly, but in a very disapproving, angry way. So you have his parents (and his children) with a bad taste in their mouths as they think of you. See?

I don’t think there is anything at all that you can do, not for as long as he cares about what his parents think. Most adults care about that, and he seems to care.

I don’t understand why he doesn’t deliver your stuff to you ASAP, or have you pick those up as soon as possible. Do you understand this part?

anita