I hope someone can give advice on this or take from it what you will. If anything, I want someone to learn from my mistakes and make their lives better. Please be kind though.

It took me 45 years to find her and one selfish, stupid, angry moment to lose her.

I am 51 (M). I fully broke up with my girlfriend 50 (F) of 6 years, which happened nearly three months ago. I haven’t seen her in over four/five months now. She has “moved on” by all accounts and said “it’s over” in her last messages to me. I was, and still am, totally devastated. My behaviour towards her, while sometimes kind and loving, was generally appalling over the course of the relationship. I never lied or cheated on her, never took anything from her, I never went out with my friends and got drunk, etc. but I could be argumentative, selfish, cold, ignorant and could bolt off back to my own house at the slightest provocation, which caused us to often be ‘on/off.’ Recently I have come to realise that I have issues, but I will come to this later.

The breakup was largely due to me ignoring her while she was going through a very tough time when her uncle passed away, which was obviously upsetting, plus the many other factors such as starting her new job, etc. On the day it happened I was helping her, and her family clear the uncle’s house and we got into a minor argument during the latter part of the weekend, which resulted in me storming off (I know, very childish and stupid), and then continued via messaging and ran over the course of the next few weeks. Then it escalated into something that I lost control over, and I ended up ignoring her while she was going through all this. She sent me messages pleading with me, and I ignored her. I knew in the back of my mind that I would live to regret my actions, but I was just on a completely different planet as if something had taken over me and I’d lost my senses, I’d lost all those memories we had together, I’d lost my sense of perspective, I’d lost my connection with her, and I was so angry. By the time I came to my senses and my conscience caught up with me, which was a long time afterwards (the ‘oh my God, what the hell have I done!!’ moment) I was horrified and disgusted with myself. The ignorance, stupidity, and selfishness I had displayed was shocking and at a time that she really needed me. I was a total asshole to her, not just the last time we saw each other, but there had been many other times previously, but this was the worst thing I had done to anyone in my life. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. She was my future and the love of my life. I was so dammed lucky to have met her and now it’s all lost due to me acting like a belligerent idiot. I am truly ashamed of myself. I took her for granted and viewed everything she offered me with suspicion and judgement, when I should have shown love, gratitude, and appreciation. At the age of 51 you would have thought I would know better, however, I guess age is no guarantee of doing the right things at the right times. I believe that I am also very immature when it comes to relationships. The hurt, pain, and sense of abandonment she must have felt by my actions would have been excruciating. I cannot express how very sorry and remorseful I am to her and her family.

When it dawned on me as to how badly I had acted, I firstly went into total shock, then I have gradually sank into a deep depression, something which I have suffered with before, but this is far, far deeper. I have lost a lot of body weight, lost my appetite, throw up some mornings, I cry a lot, lost interest in any hobbies, in working out at the gym, lost interest in my job, lost interest in everything. Basically, I have been living like a zombie for the past 2-3 months. My weekends are totally empty and void from any fun. I have tried to hang out with friends, but socialising seems impossible. A huge dark cloud has appeared where my heart was. I constantly blame and berate myself for the breakup – I could have been a hero, instead I am a zero. My actions and behaviour, and previous behaviours, were totally unnecessary. Looking back, I do not even recognise myself or what I was doing during that time. I had no cause to put myself in this position, but it’s of my own doing and I am trying to change and absorb the pain. And there’s a lot of pain, guilt, suffering and self-hatred, but I cannot change the past or what I did. I am in a living hell.

She had everything to offer me. She was beautiful, athletic, she was charming, intelligent, a wonderful family, she had a dog I adored, had a beautiful home, which she wanted me to move into but like a fool I didn’t act, even though I spent so much time there, She offered a bright future together and even had a place in Portugal where we spent many holidays. She was excellent in every single way. Her smile was to die for; I could not wish for more! And I lost it all – her, the life, all of it! She did have her faults and baggage (don’t we all) so I don’t wish to put her on a pedestal, but I loved her all the same. However, I have come to realise (all too late) that I have commitment and trust issues, and I can be self-destructive, which goes way back in my past and to possibly other previous relationships. I will be exploring more of this with the therapist. I also didn’t show her as much love as I should have and make her feel special. I was often cold with my emotions, again, because I have issues that I need to resolve. I do not expect to be over this anytime soon. I expect it to take a year at least and I don’t expect to be the same person I was when (and if) I do eventually overcome this. In part, that would seem like a good thing as there are certain personality traits I need to address. I didn’t think I had a problem; however, it’s become clear to me during this most horrible episode of my life that I do.

During our last messages I tried to reconcile with her, but deep down I knew it was hopeless. She pretty much tore me to pieces and rightly so. She said there was no chance whatsoever of reconciliation and that we both needed “move on.” I had broken any sense of trust and showed that I had no empathy in my soul during that insane period of time when I had ignored her. Her last words to me were “Now let me live my life.” In that moment I threw up, I went into a daze, I cried, my whole world just shattered into a million pieces. My heart was, and still is, completely broken and my very ‘being’ crushed, but what did I expect. I am utterly disgusted and ashamed of myself, my family are ashamed of me, my friends don’t know what to say. I am seeing a therapist (still early days) and I am on medication for anxiety, depression, racing heart and sleeplessness. I have had many suicidal thoughts, but these seem to have faded in the past few weeks. Since the realisation hit me, I have woken every morning to face the horror of my reality – she’s not in my life anymore! I go through my day (every day) in a sad dream like state. I cannot focus for very long on anything. She is always there, and the memories are always hunting me. I am trying to get back to the gym (something I used to do almost every day), but that is also met with apathy, and I must force myself to go on the days when I feel well enough to. I hope my mental and physical health doesn’t deteriorate any further as I’ve got pretty bad. I am still in shock after all these months about what I did and why.

If there’s anything anyone can take from this then it would be…

• You should always try and look at every situation with calm clarity and perspective. It’s not easy sometimes, but you must. Look at the bigger picture and don’t just act on pure and raw emotion or think of the short term, as I did.
• Think what’s at stake; what will life be like without this special person and what would you think if they found a new lover and you found out about it? I can tell you that it hurts. It really, really hurts. It’s a mind killer.
• Be careful where you get your advice from on such matters – family don’t always have the best answers and can say anything from their perspectives and it’s not always the best advice.
• If you think you’re following unhealthy behaviour patterns or traits, then go and see a therapist. It’s a small price to pay if you value your relationship, and to lose your partner because you didn’t is a sin. I wish I’d have done this years ago when I started to have troubles and I can guarantee I would not be in this situation now if I had.
• Do not take anyone for granted. Always remember that if you do take someone for granted that you risk so much and could lose them. Savour every moment and always give your best.

They say that pride come before a fall – this is so true. Well, I wasn’t humble enough to rescue my own relationship, didn’t show empathy and didn’t value my partner’s feelings, her points of view, took her for granted and left things too late. It has pretty much cost me the love of my life and my future with her – it has cost me everything! I still love and I miss her dearly, and I always will, but she is never coming back and I will never see her again. What a fool I have been. I do deserve this pain, even if it won’t bring her back and it serves no purpose, I deserve it. I messed her around for 6 years and dithered and dragged my feet, but she put up with it and gave me more chances than I ever warranted.

Now I must pick up the pieces from the damage I have caused and try to rebuild what is left of my life, including my shattered mental and physical state. At my age (51) I do not expect to meet anyone soon (if at all) and I am barely functioning as a human being at the moment and time is running out. I also doubt I will meet anyone like her, which fills me with absolute dread. In fact, the thought of dating again makes me feel sick and I won’t be dating for some time. I have lost confidence in my judgements and my own self-worth. I have read about ‘loving yourself’ and all that, but to me you are never fully whole until you have that special person in your arms, sharing experiences and showing mutual love, respect and living life. Fin.