Hey Confused:

A definition of “confused”: mixed together in a way that makes things unclear.

What’s mixed in? In two days (Dec 19-20), you listed a lot of things mixed together:

“Dissociating, being numb to everything, depressed,” + “constant rumination for my feelings”+ “the uncertainty of the relationship that someone has to move somewhere (possibly me) and the and the fear of abandonment (I am disorganized attached)+… (+) stress (of) taking the trip to meet this girl…+ “There was a conversation though that I didn’t feel very good about at the time. She asked me if I would be able to live in another country… she would consider moving to my country as much as I would consider moving to hers” (Dec 20)

On Dec 19, you shared: “the relationship with my mother was very chaotic, violence and arguing constantly, throwing some awkward affection here and there, then rinse and repeat. I can’t remember if I was dissociating when I was a kid, definitely trying to escape in imaginary worlds and games though”-

Confused, what if this girl has been your adult “imaginary world” of escape, feeling “madly in love… head over heels, thinking of her constantly, feeling great while doing so, feeling content and connected.” (Dec 19-20)?

After all, these madly-in-love feelings took place before you met her for the first (and only) time, and they were gone a short time before that visit when the idea of the relationship was becoming real, as in real-life (the idea of visiting her and moving countries so to be with her took hold).

“The dreams, the plans” you mentioned today (Jan 15), those were what you escaped to. But with the first taste of real-life (planning a real-life visit, talking about a real-life move to her country), you lost this madly-in-love escape route…is what I’m thinking this morning.

 🤍 Anita

Hey anita

Thats how im still feeling sort of. I dont know if that was the reason entirely, i think its more complicated than that.Could be me having commitment issues that i wasnt aware of. Well my reality wasnt bad before i met her, just a bit repetitive and sometimes boring, but it was fine. I am not sure because i really wanted to meet her, that was what i was thinking about for the past 3 months, meeting her and do things with her, have a great time. I had imagined it plenty of times, so i dont think it was because of this, it would have happened sooner.

Thomas
Thank you for your reply. I wasnt planning on this to happen and it has never happened to me before, thats why i am losing my mind over it. What do you mean a seperate peace or piece?
I am into therapy currently trying to work on it. I thought i found one and this happened..

I think it could be, because ive never moved in with another girl before (just staying for vacation) and i know that i am kinda strict on needing my space in the house. Also the first time flying out of the country aswell.

Therapist said that i have a lot to untangle, it goes really deep, and its just our 2nd appointment.. She asked me if i find it strange that i lost feelings days after the girl confessed hers to me and i felt that she is more into me than i am into her.

Hey Confused:

“She asked me if I find it strange that I lost feelings days after the girl confessed hers to me and I felt that she is more into me than I am into her.”- did you answer her?

“Could also be related with me feeling cringe/ick when anyone of my family expresses affection towards me.”- I remember feeling a cringe 😖 whenever my mother touched me.

Tell me about your cringe, will you (as always, only if you feel comfortable and to the extent that you do)?

* I will soon be away from the computer for a few hours).

🤍 Anita

@anita

I didn’t pay much attention to that at first, because i am romantic and i like those things. But the truth is, i have only known how to be the one that is more invested in a relationship, never experienced the opposite. And with her i felt like i am “responsible” for something fragile (her feelings and trust) and i can’t handle such pressure/responsibility (responsibilities drive me away like crazy) because eventually i was afraid i would let her down. Also that being the one that invests more, kinda lets me “control” the situation a bit and if things go south i can’t be blamed. I know it sounds nonsense but i think this is how i feel in a way.

Weirdly enough, i didn’t feel cringe with my mother/grandma hugging or kissing me. I feel it strongly now with my father (he expresses his love every day, very intensely) and when my sisters hug me, i freeze and feel like i want to push them away. They know that i have this thing so they find it funny haha.

@Thomas168

I have never had any issues with going all-in with the previous girls, but it has never been this deep connection like the one with the current girl. I guess going all-in includes being vulnerable with them (which was the first time i did now, never did i share my fears with anyone else). You mean like the shadow self or the inner child? I think thats what they call it. By pulling back u mean ur feelings got suppressed and u became blank/empty like me? I am glad things worked out for you, i wish i could say the same 🙂

Hey anita

I honestly cannot recall any of this about me (my feelings and trust being broken), i think its mostly a fear of being inadequate and not let her down. I was so anxious about hurting her, she felt precious to me.

Yeah he hugs and kisses us (me and my sisters) all the time. I know many people would long for that, but sadly i cringe with affection. I only want it from my girlfriend and maybe a little bit from some friends.

I can tell you why I had let such things happen: I didn’t feel of enough worth to say NO, and I was afraid to hurt the feelings of people
who mattered (while in my mind.. I didn’t).

😔 Anita