November 11, 2019 at 12:41 pm #322539
I used to post on here all the time, but I’ve been very good mentally and well, I haven’t felt the need. The last couple of weeks I’ve been struggling mentally really trying to understand why I’m like this and why it doesn’t go away.
So my boyfriend and I have almost been together for 5 years (we started dating at 18). The first year of our relationship was terrible. We were constantly breaking up and there was a lot of hurt and immaturity. After that first year, my boyfriend has changed for the better and become exactly the man I’ve always dreamed of, but here I am… still focusing on our first year of dating. All the mistakes he did that first year… four years ago. When I get caught up in my head, I don’t see any of the good things he does, only the bad. I victimize myself. I feel pity for myself. I tell myself why did I stay with him back then? Why did I give him a chance? I could find someone better that has been great since day one of our relationship, not day 400.
My issue is, I don’t think this all the time. Most of the time I’m so happy. When I’m not in my own head, I’m extremely happy. But then there are times where I can get out of it, and it goes for days and days on end. Me just focusing on the first year of our relationship. Me feeling like I’m settling. Me feeling like I could do better and find someone perfect. Me feeling like I shouldn’t have had to wait for him to become perfect.
What im starting to think is that I am obsessed with thought of breaking up and ruining my life, not sure if that makes sense. When I was a kid, I feared how much power I had. How I could just make up a lie and change my life, my parents life, anything. I was like oh I could say my mom does drugs and get taken away. I could say my aunt hit me and ruin our family dynamic. I could walk out of this classroom, and get in trouble. I could eat something toxic and end up in the hospital… crazy stupid things like fearing how much control I had of my own life or someone else’s! So now… that part of my life’s is gone. I’m grown up so I don’t think about stupid things like that anymore…. but now it’s a constant obsession of breaking up, losing the one I love, leaving, having to move out, etc.
I know this post is a mess but I’m just venting and trying to connect the dots. I feel like I live in the past and sabotage my own happiness constantly, I think very negative, I fear being in control, and I obsess about things that would change my life.
Not sure what what help I could get on here…. but hopefully someone can explain why I’m like this… or if those two situations (my fears as a kid) do correlate with my fears as an adult… which are clearly centered around my relationship.