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Danielle

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  • #182753

    Danielle
    Participant

    Absolutely Anita. I understand the direction you were going in. That my story doesn’t relate so how a typical possible “bad person” would act so you feel that is very unlikely. So you were scarred that by saying how he didn’t act “XYZ” that would be giving people ideas. I completely understand and again overanalyzed what you were saying and had absolutely no idea what direction you were going in.

    Thanks for the clarification & thanks for all your help and understanding with this situation. You are amazing and your help never goes unnoticed! I know some of the topics mentioned on this site are difficult and you always find a way to help us understand. I know my post is about a sensitive topic and that’s what makes my anxiety so much worse. That my OCD is on a very sensitive topic. That’s why I just want to rid of it.

    I’ll probably have to go back to my therapist, but for now I just want to enjoy the holidays and hope you can do the same! 🙂 so happy early holidays Anita!

    #182745

    Danielle
    Participant

    Anita,

    I would never want you to believe that your help and input was for nothing. There have been a countless about of times where you have brought light to a dark situation and clarity just where I needed it. You’ve taken me from pure panic, to peace. You’ve helped me understand a lot of things that I did not.

    Regarding yesterday… please do not take any offense to that whatsoever I just really could not interpret what you were trying to say. And the fact that something in my situation made you feel too uncomfortable to write on the internet made me panic because I really had no idea what you were thinking. You’ve written so many difficult things for many people and had shed so much great light, that I am confused as to why you can’t do the same without having the power to “give other ideas to harm”. I was just curious as to what part of my story gives you pretty strong validity that nothing happened so maybe I can see that insight as well and realize “she’s totally right, how couldn’t I have noticed that before”.

    The only thing I can think of is that from your understanding you said the fact that I can remember facts surrounding that day, I would’ve remembered that day/”possible incident” as well. But when you mention something about giving ideas to others etc, I got all confused because I wasn’t sure what in my situation could even deal with intentional harm!

    #182635

    Danielle
    Participant

    Hours later and I am still anxious about what you said lol. Omg. It makes me so anxious that something in my situation you feel uncomfortable writing online. I keep overthinking everything you said and I hate that can’t interpret it.

    #182623

    Danielle
    Participant

    So it kind of scares me that you think what he was trying to do to me, would give people ideas to harm others. Because no one really reacted to what he used to say to me because they just knew imhe was an ***hole. Eventually my grandpa talked to him & told him… stop it she doesn’t get your stupid humor and it’s hurting her. And after that he did stop. And I eventually actually would even go to my cousins house sleep there I would talk to him etc, of course I still didn’t like him but I wasn’t affected by his behavior because I just knew he was jealous of me and my family and I would honestly laugh to myself because of how dumb he was.

    #182621

    Danielle
    Participant

    I honestly don’t think he was PURPOSEFULLY trying to cause harm to me, it’s just who he was rob everyone literally everyone. I was just the only kid from the family that wasn’t his own. And I don’t think he knew I wasn’t taking his comments as “funny”. He was always making comments to my grandparents my parents strangers everyone. That just weren’t funny. Like  I always had nicer things than he could get his kids and he would just make comwmtbs like “oh danielle would never shop at Walmart she’s too rich” etc. and I didn’t like that. So I always avoided being around him because he would tease me over the dumbest things, and I guess that day I just exploded I was over it, which lead to me crying because I was so fed up and annoyed.

    #182619

    Danielle
    Participant

    Anita,

    I am extremely confused by your response. Because I have no idea what direction that it’s going. My uncle was horrible everyone. My grandma got very skinny after her divorce and he said “it looks like you have aids” lol… his humor is just like NOT funny. I don’t know if he was intentionally trying to hurt me, because he was like this to everyone around him. Just as a 10 year old of course I took everything he said VERY literal. Please if you could just emphasize what’s on your mind and not be specific if you think it’s going to give people ideas to harm someone… that scares me though and kind of triggered me a little bit because I really don’t know what you meant. Or who you are talking about, me, my uncle, or my mom, I’m not sure. And it gave me some anxiety. I’ll be waiting for your response and hopefully not giving it much thought to make my anxiety worse.

    #182607

    Danielle
    Participant

    Thanks Anita, for all your constant amazing advice. I swear sometimes I think you shouldn’t do this for free because you are so committed.

    Its true. When you have OCD and anxiety you tend to forget the middle ground between a thought and an action, and that is a choice.

    I feel confident that I would never make up a lie and had a pretty good evening last night. Then this morning I was caught on the thought. “Why did I cry that day when I got home from being with my uncle, aunt, and cousins.” “What happened to have me CRYING”. Because I remembered my uncle has been bullying me in a way FOREVER. He would make comments about my outfits, my hair, my dad, how I was the gradnparents favorite and not his daughter, and just constant nagging and annoying comments that made me not like him or in other words want to “avoid” him…. and now as an adult, I associate avoidance with danger. So in my mind throughout much of my life I associate him with danger, which is why I have such strong feelings towards him.

    I remember that day, he was making comments I was getting annoyed and upset, and then when we got out of the car, he grabbed me put me over his shoulder, and it made me even more upset and nervous because I kept saying put me down omg you’re so annoying. And then I went inside and started crying to my mom saying how mean he is blahblahblah. But my anxiety says that’s not a good enough reason, because I was used to him being mean. Why did I cry that day? Why was I so upset? I remember my mom immediately asking me omg what did he do to you!!! And the first thing that popped into my head because I hadn’t seen the film yet… was “what do you think. He hit me or something? Are you crazy”. But even with that, my brain says did something else happened?? Was it that day??? What happened that you “can’t remember” and I get anxiety.

    what are your thoughts on this? Does it seem odd to you? I’m not sure if I’m overanalyzing it bad it’s making me so anxious, I just want to move on from the thought

    #182515

    Danielle
    Participant

    I am not sure if she asked many times, but I just know she said i don’t care if it was him i would leave him in a heartbeat blahblahblah. she just scared me thinking that i could say something that could end up breaking my family apart. something that was just a fear in my head. how could a fear possibly be capable of ruining my entire home. thats what gave me anxiety. and it was almost OCD knowing that made me anxious and it was more of “imagine if you lied and your whole family was ruined, you have the capability of doing that. its like when ocd people have thoughts to hurt people and its like if you hurt someone you would go to jail, imagine doing that–> triggers anxiety –>you wonder if you did do that and how you are totally capable of it.

    so last night, my grandma calls me. I am very close to my grandma and she’s known about my anxiety for years. i tell her about the post, how it triggered me to think omg what if that happened to me and i repressed it, and so i told her i start thinking of anyone that i interacted with in my childhood. i mention my uncle (she doesn’t like him either he’s just sarcastic and rude)and i tell her and she starts laughing omggg danielle just cause you read a post doesn’t mean that happened to you, you were never with that guy alone, you were always a happy kid etc. i felt better discussing it with her and her telling me it was just a trigger not that anything happen. i then text her hey please don’t say anything LOL i don’t want anyone to think i am accusing them of anything etc. her response through text came off that wrong way and REALLY triggered me “she said of course not. and do not tell your dad or grandpa because it would destroy the family and cause so many problems”. so you already know what happened here…. triggered as a 10 year old “omg a fear of mine is capable of destroying the family”. and now i feel like my anxiety is actually WORSE.

    I called her back and she reassured me no danielle of course not i don’t think anything happened i am 100% it is your anxiety, if i was concerned i would’ve been asking you questions not laughing. i just meant don’t say anything because men sometimes can’t understand fears and emotions as well and they might take it the wrong way thats all. but here i am…full of worry, once again. just wanting to enjoy my vacation and the holidays.

    #182439

    Danielle
    Participant

    Do you have any thoughts on why I was like having compulsions to lie? Never once even got close. Even told my mom like I want to lie and say something happened and I don’t understand why. It never happened before my exposure to that film, it happened after for years and sometimes still does happen. Of course I never go through with it but the thought of it drives my mind crazy. And I know a lot of my childhood after that movie I had this thing where I wanted to say something happened when it didn’t. That’s another thing that scares me, like was my subconscious mind trying to get me say something from my possible “repressed memory”. I know it’s dumb and I know that only happened because I wasn’t aware why I was reacting that way unless something happened and I didn’t want to seem crazy as a kid for thinking that way, and has a 10 year old all my thoughts would be justified if something did happen. Maybe I just wanted to “normalize” myself and not make it seem like why am I thinking these thoughts if I am fine. You understand?

    #182409

    Danielle
    Participant

    Thanks for that. Yes no I remember like so so so much I remember my school plays all through elementary, I remember everything about anything. Seriously lol it’s pretty crazy it really is. So again, doubt I would remember so much and some not so good things. Even when I was 10 and went to therapy, she even told my mom my reaction was normal especially anxious children. Again I also tell myself I probably didn’t react so horrible the movie itself, I probably just felt uncomfortable and scared and my heart starting reracing so like all panic attacks, the panic makes the situation so much worse. And that’s why I spiraled, it probably wasn’t even the movie, it was probably just the anxious feeling that made me uncomfortable and crazy. & to teaching our to my mom and asking for reassurance I agree. I tried for probably 9 hours alone but I couldn’t sleep so I needed her to just reassure me that I was normal and I wasn’t around men alone and I was always happy and not scared of him and not scared to interact with him. Because since I can’t remember my entire childhood, she’s the only one that can tell me I was FINE. And again like I always tell you, I was so excited and happy to go home for the holidays and my anxiety had been so well managed and my relationship has been amazing and I’ve been sleeping so good and generally just VERY happy, that anything that I think could trigger a “low point” I panic more thinking “omg what if I get anxious for another 4 months again (like I did when I was 10 & 15) and I am low and depressed and so scared and can’t enjoy the holidays and another upcoming vacation thinking about this. But I have to tell myself I let myself get like that because I was young and unaware what I was even experiencing. I didn’t know I had OCD, I didn’t know anything. So I thought I was crazy for thinking these crazy things like “lie” “imagine you hurt someone” “imagine imagine imagine”, but now that I’m older and I am in control and I have been diagnosed. I am not going to let myself get to those low points because I know I actually have something wrong with me, and there is no reason for it. I just have it. Something didn’t have to happen to me for me to be like this. I have met many kids that have been abused and they are VERY different from me. Very quiet shy timid awkward not social very odd. I was always such a fun kid, until I was 10 and formed pretty much a sort of phobia over older men because of the film. So much of my childhood I was scared and I have to accept that I was scared because I was exposed and shown the idea of something that I was too young to understand and see.

    #182399

    Danielle
    Participant

    Actually Anita, I don’t believe my OCD even started after that movie. I believe it was a couple weeks later in the shower when I thought to myself “imagine lying and saying xyz raped you”. And I panicked because that was my first instructive thought of my entire life. I know it was OCD as I remember having many weird thoughts around that time period like “why don’t you lick glue or yell in the middle of class while the teacher is teaching”. I just remember being at the movie and I had never had a panic attack before and I thought I was going to die. I made my mom stop the car because I kept thinking I was going to throw up but never did because I didn’t know what I was experiencing. I just feel that reaction is sooooo serious/dramatic to just watching a film?

    #182397

    Danielle
    Participant

    Anita,

    thanks for the response always! Absolutely the story could be false, and I’m praying to God that it is. I know that family is all sorts of messed up and crazy and definitely not normal to the naked eye. Of course I read it though and my OCD latches. I know there are tons of beliefs on repressed memories and I didn’t really know if it was something that was actually true since there were so many speculations, so it was always something I put off and tell myself “I would’ve remembered”. So when I see that someone from my howntown experienced my BIGGEST fear that I’ve had in me since I was a 10 year old child, well you can say I had a total meltdown.

     

    One thing about me is that that I have the BEST memory. I remember everything. I remember my graduation when I was 4 years old, I remember random nights with my grandparents and cousins, I remember everything. So I thought to myself, is this some defense mechanism… remember everything so you can’t remember the bad stuff. Even though like you said, I do remember bad stuff. I remember my dad hitting my mom once, I remember my panic attacks after my OCD came about, I remember being worried about many things, I do remember  some bad things in my childhood, but what if there was something worse.

     

    I always go back to that movie incident. Would I really have been that wound up about a movie that didn’t even relate to my actual life? I always say I didn’t know people did things like that to eachother until I watched that movie at 10 years old but really I actually remember in my earlier elementary years my mom telling me “never let anyone touch you, always tell me, always have a buddy etc” I remember the conversation perfectly. So I was aware before that, why did that movie cause so much anxiety and panic? & then OFCOURSE I go to the situation with my uncle, WHY did I cry so much and get so mad when he was making sarcastic comments about me and put me over his shoulder? It scared me that at the time him grabbing me was “triggering something that I repressed and didn’t know”.

     

    Ii talked to my mom this morning because I couldn’t sleep and she kept reassuring me that I was never strange, quiet, she never suspected anything. She also kept reassuring me that she and my biological dad never liked that uncle and I was never with them ever. That if I slept somewhere it was with my grandparents with my cousin who was 3 months younger than me and my bestfriend. That’s another thing, I was barely ever alone. I was always with cousins in my childhood I feel like if something happened I would’ve spoken about it to kids, tried to experiment with kids, and like I said I was the most outspoken child on earth, aka why I had no issue telling my mom “he’s being mean he’s making fun of me” because I was always open. Which is another reason why I feel if something did… I most definitely would’ve said something lol or at least would have changed my demeanor.

     

    I guess what scares me is that I watched that movie so young, just 10 years old, so much of my hildhood I actually WAS scared of men, rape, molestation, etc. because I was triggered so young and instilled a great amount of fear. So I keep going back in my head wondering “was I scared before the movie incident? I remember being scared sleeping everywhere, was that after?” When I am 99% sure all the incident I am thinking of were definitely after the movie. But it is my childhood so it was in me growing up.

     

    Then of course, I go online and all these website “oh repressed memories do exist, they can’t manifest in different ways, like phobias or OCD behaviors and once again… PURE PANIC. “Omg that’s what it is. My memory is repressed so that’s why I have OCD.” Another website even said some kids don’t remember until they are triggered by a “film, story, etc” you can only imagine what happened here lol pure panic AGAIN. “wow that’s what it was, the movie triggered my repressed memory”. I know I 10273882% was not raped there was never an opportunity for that seriously, but maybe molested I’m not sure. That would be my fear. Only because as a child I was around so many unstable people and families, my dads family had that uncle, another alcoholic uncle, a troublesome older cousin than me, an alcoholic great grandfather, a bipolar grandfather… my mymoms side was fine honestly besides that I lived with my grandma and my grandmas friends daughter and her boyfriend lived there at one point with us I think… but overall my parents were young (19) so didn’t have the best crowd of friends so I guess I just hate that I was around all these really not safe people and can’t remember my memories with them. My mom reassured me I was never alone never would sleep anywhere that she was always around with me, which well I believe because she is very anxious I don’t think she would let me just sleep and stay and hang out anywhere whatsoever.

    #182259

    Danielle
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    went and formed a new post in regards to you since you know all my history. Would appreciate if you could respond whenever you come across it! Struggling to have a good nights sleep right now.

    #182251

    Danielle
    Participant

    but then another thing that makes me anxious is like what I’ve told you, when i was 10 and i reacted bad to that movie, why did I have this thing that I wanted to lie and say something happened to me? What if it was my subconsious telling me something happened to me. That is what freaks me out… even though you’ve told me multiple times I probably wanted to lie because I didn’t believe myself because my mom convinced me something happened because I reacted that way to a film. Its just a mess, and I haven’t gotten this anxious about this situation in YEARS. And every therapist I have ever seen they have reassured me nothing has happened that I wouldn’t be so functioning etc, but somehow, in moments like this, I forget all that reassurance and tell myself they must be wrong.

    #182249

    Danielle
    Participant

    and then I think about it… and I am like ok, so worst case scenario, lets say something did happen. Why do I feel like it would change my life? I am still a great person, I wouldn’t change, I would still have the great childhood I had, I would still be the same woman… I would just be another statistic. Nothing would change me. The world wouldn’t be over…once I tell myself that, my OCD lessens because I realize it wouldn’t be the end of the world. I wouldn’t be this “new person” or a “victim”. I would still be me… my anxiety and OCD latch on to this because it causes me to believe that if I did discover something, my entire life would be over. Even though again, I really doubt something happened. I just have anxiety and OCD and any 10 year old is going to react in a weird manner if they just discovered by a movie that sexual assault takes place within families (thats what happened in the movie). And any 9 year old is going to cry if an adult is making fun of them because of their money, its just logic. But of course, I catastrophize everything because of my illness. I just don’t think I would be so functioning and been so fine hanging around this family member and his children if something happened. Also, if I was around this guy it was always around my two cousins, we would sleep together, eat together, there was never a moment where I was alone with this guy that I can remember. Also, he was in jail for 3 years of my young childhood, so that takes 3 years out of a possibility. But besides that, since I was probably 4 years old. He is just a good target for my biggest fear because there was conflict with him as a child, he isn’t a good person (went to jail, would hit my aunt), and well he would just be the easiest person to attach my fear to because it would be the most believable.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 69 total)