Dear Angele:

I am trying to understand: you found out that your husband drove 13 hours to Dallas so to spend time with his 23 year old receptionist, freaked out, told him he is cheating, that you  don’t trust him, yelled at him and he told you that the marriage is over and that he will stay with you just until you get help and are no longer freaked out, and then he will leave  you. You love him, you blame yourself and want to stay married to  him.

Did I understand correctly?

anita

Hi Angele,

The question isn’t whether he is done with the marriage. The question is whether she is done with the marriage.

My dad had bought a house in Texas that my mom didn’t know about. She served him divorce papers after she found out. He was stunned. Infuriated. Confused. In his mind, if she never brought it up, he would have had his wife and family in one part of the country and his mistress (in Texas, if it makes you feel any better) in another (“for business” if she never found out). The “problem” was that SHE brought it up and SHE made the decision!

In your case, he only told her he was done AFTER she said something.

I think she should get her power back and get him served.

Best,

Inky

P.S. The 23 year old from Dallas will dump him for a wealthier guy.

I hope the wife knows that her husband’s behaviors are more about his issues then hers. If he wasn’t having his own issues he would have been able to address the issues in the relationship instead of trying to have a wife and a secret girlfriend. I can’t necessarily speak about his perspective but I can share mine. I am someone who has struggled with the temptation to look outside of my marriage for validation. I am also married to an absolutely amazing man who did nothing to deserve me looking elsewhere. Lots of therapy and reflection have shown that it has to do with my underlying belief that eventually my husband will leave me because I am horrible and I will be left incomplete without a man. Sounds silly when I say it out loud but unconscious beliefs aren’t always rational. Furthermore I hope that she is able to work with someone, such as a therapist, to process everything she is feeling, thinking, and going through. Give her my best.

I normally do not post or join forums, but this hits close to home.

I found out my husband was cheating on me with proof.  He straight out lied and then blamed me for it all.  I let him stay while we found out if the “person’s” child was his.  It took 10 months of seeing him daily.  I thought we could work it out, but he chose at every turn to disrespect me.  We went to therapy and the therapist all but took his side.  Found another one and he lied to that one.  When all was said an done; I finally kicked him out.  My son has been a victim of this selfish act.  I had given my ex many outs over the years so it would not come to this and it did anyway.  I gave up my dream job to raise our son (yes, my choice) and then had to figure out a way to make a living.  My ex used his own mother as an excuse and put us close to financial ruin because of his choice.  Thankfully, a dear friend gave me money to pay for the divorce and he agreed to everything.  Five years later, I am still wondering why he chose his path.

It is a hard emotional road for this wife.  It is hard to accept when you truly loved your spouse and then this happens.  Be there for her.  She will need to vent, cry, etc.  Therapy helps. When spouses do this instead of being open – they are cowards (IMHO).  Her sadness may turn to anger and that is okay.  I have friends who went through this as well and 15 and 20 years later the exes were still trying to draw blood.

I hope it helps to know that she is not alone.  I am still working on getting through it and I was truly devastated when I found out.

I wish her well.