Hi Treasamariam,

You’ve been in this very positive relationship for a year.  It sounds as if your boyfriend’s attitude has changed fairly recently – I am wondering why this would be.  People very rarely change from being studious/ambitious to being lazy and non-caring without there being an underlying reason.  Do you know why he has had this change of heart?

Your boyfriend is not your father.  Perhaps his expectations are not the same as yours.  If you have to ‘push’ him into becoming ambitious and ‘make’ him have a hardworking mentality, he might not be the right person for you.  Friendly, fun, caring, loyal and sincere are all extremely good qualities to possess.  Mind you don’t “push” him out of your life with your need for financial security so early on in the relationship.  Perhaps this is his way of telling you that he doesn’t share your agenda – not yet at any rate.

I suppose it’s pointless me telling you that worrying is futile.  You have your life ahead of you and it’s probably going to take all sorts of twists and turns.  The only thing that worrying will do for you is make everything seem worse than it is.  All that stress and tension in one so young!  It sounds to me as if you have a ‘beauty and the beast’ relationship – his light hearted approach attracts your stressed and worried approach.  A word of caution here – the very things that attract us initially (even sub-consciously) are the very things that drive us apart eventually.

There’s more to life than money – is there any possibility that you can change?  Looking at it from your boyfriend’s perspective, I would be very worried at the thought that I was entering into a long term commitment with a woman who wanted me to change.  If you don’t love him as he is, you don’t love him.

Peggy

Treasamariam,

My rule for relationships is “what you see is what you get” which means, I don’t expect someone to change when I meet them.  You want to take on this “project” in somehow making your boyfriend to be someone he is not rather than accepting for who and what he is.  What you are getting is a super friendly, fun, loyal, sincere and caring boyfriend who has no ambition and is apathetic.

Don’t expect to be able to change certain parts/qualities of him as if he was some sort of construction project.  You cannot motivate him.  It has been proven in countless ways in psychological studies that real change comes from internally generated motivation, i.e. he has to want to do it himself.

Either move on or accept that you will be the one who is concerned about career, finances, and future.  Are you willing to take on that burden?

Mark

Hi Treasamariam,

This doesn’t add up.  He wants this qualification, he wants a high profile, interesting, corporate job.  He doesn’t want to put the effort in to gain the reward.  The job market is highly competitive and he will need more than borderline passes if he is to compete.  Even if he were to get such a job, how long would it last?

I wonder who he wants all this for.  If he isn’t motivated it is probably because he isn’t interested.  The words coming out of his mouth aren’t matching his actions.

What career will he choose if he doesn’t pass his final exams?  Maybe he just isn’t as worried about this as you are.  This is not the be all and end all of life.  Be wary of labels ‘lazy’.  He’s carried this characteristic for years and will probably carry it for even more years to come.  Maybe he’s just more laid back than you.  In your view, all he needs is someone to “push him, motivate him and make him more productive”.

Your second post contradicts your first post where you said he has a ‘don’t care attitude towards his studies, exams and career’.

Everyone has said the same thing in their replies to you.  If you are prepared to be the one who achieves, provides the finances and worries incessantly – fine.  He will make an excellent father with all those friendly, caring, loyal and sincere qualities that you are enjoying so much.

Funny how you haven’t listened.

Peggy