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Hi again, long time….

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This topic contains 66 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 8 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #282589

    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi there, it’s been a long time since I’ve visited the tiny buddha forums.

    Life got in the way for quite a while. My parents got ill and for a time I was their primary carer. Then my dad died. My mother developed vascular dementia.

    My sister moved in with my mother and took over her care.

    I could do with some help and advice on the above subject at some point, but I just wanted to post here to say hello and hope that I can help people with their problems as well as asking advice with some of mine!

     

    It’s nice to be back. 🙂

    #282621

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jay:

    Welcome back! It is good to read from you again, here on your thread and your replies to others.

    Two years ago you wrote that your parents were in their late eighties. Since then your father died and your mother developed dementia. Your sister who lost her 36 year old son, a tragic loss, recently moved in with your mother, taking care of her.

    What advice do you need – is it regarding your sister living with your mother?

    anita

    #282667

    B
    Participant

    Hi Jay,

    It sounds like you’ve had a lot to deal with lately. So sorry to hear that your father has passed away.

    Now you’re mum has dementia, that is also a lot to contend with.

    I recommended you go to your local doctors surgery, they usually have plenty of information and support groups, for both patients and family members. On how to be better equipped on supporting your mum and having her life a normal life.

    Your sister may also need support along the way. I hope your find the strength you need for your mum and to be able to support your sister while she your mum.

    Send my Love B X

     

     

    #282671

    JayJay
    Participant

    Hello again, Anita, it’s good to speak to you once more! 🙂

    It’s a very long and complicated story, Anita. Is it two years ago? Goodness, how time flies.

    My father died in October last year at 89 years old. I miss him.

    After looking after both of my parents as the primary carer for so long, and going over to make sure they were ok, my dad started getting really poorly. My sister moved in temporarily to look after them as it was getting dangerous to leave them on their own even just for the night. I was worn out with trying to look after them myself… I have health and mobility issues.. it seemed a good temporary solution at the time.

    Shortly afterwards, my sister announced that she was giving up her job and moving in permanently with my parents and told them she would need money from them to look after them, as she no longer had an income, which is fair enough. We had previously both applied for LPAs (Lasting Power of Attorney) for Health & Welfare and Financial control for both parents in both our names. So my sister began taking money from their savings to look after them.

    She then announced that in return for looking after them, she would eventually be entitled to own their house, and would continue to live there after they had both passed away.

    Then my father died. My mother’s dementia got worse for a while, but she seems to be improving a little now. They were married for 62 years, so it was a big shock for her, and she’s not so far gone with the dementia that she doesn’t understand things.

    Since my sister gained access to my mother’s savings, Mum’s savings are being depleted quite rapidly. She has just engaged builders to enlarge the kitchen, and other home improvements, and is using my mother’s savings to do these things.

    I am more than worried that my sister’s motives are questionable, but I don’t know what to do about it. If I say anything at all, I just get a tantrum and end up giving in to her – and you have never seen tantrums like my sister has! If she isn’t happy, then no-one else is allowed to be either, and that includes her husband (now also moved into the family home) and me.

    There’s a lot more to this story, this is just a brief outline.

    Thank you for listening. x

    Jay

    #282693

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jay:

    You are thinking that your sister has been planning to take over your parents’ house and money, taking it all for herself, not sharing any with you, meaning, there will be no inheritance for you?

    What a shame, if this is the case, and from your share reads like this is what is happening. In your previous thread a couple of years ago you shared, if I remember correctly, that you went to the beach, maybe a vacation with your sister, talked about her loss, and you talked about your friend of 30 years who betrayed you.

    Your sister then gave you some advice regarding what to say/ do if you happen to see that former friend again with the man you were interested in, the man your former friend … took over (similar to your sister taking over the house, it just occurred to me).

    Read at the time that you had a good relationship with your sister, was it?

    anita

    #282755

    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi again.

    First to B:  Thank you for your suggestions, B. I went down this route a few years ago when I was the main carer. My sister neither wants nor admits to needing any help. I have been trying for months to get her to phone the social services for an assessment for my mum as it’s long overdue. The SS. would put into place any extra help that would be beneficial to my mother, and identify her as a ‘vulnerable adult’ but my sister simply won’t call. I’m pretty sure she it’s because doesn’t want any interference. Something to hide.

    Anita – yes – me and my sister went on holiday together a couple of years ago. Everything is ok as long as you are always doing what she wants to do. We have always had a very shaky relationship as sisters, and that’s why the loss of my best friend hit me so hard, as I loved her like a sister.

    My ‘best friend’ did indeed go and live with the man I was dating. I haven’t spoken to either best friend or the man in question for over 2 and a half years. Suddenly out of the blue, the man texted to say she had left him and he was devastated. I felt so sorry for him. I knew it would happen, as best friend had done the same with her former partner.

    So I have a sister and a former best friend who are both, at best – selfish and put their own needs above everyone else’s, at worst, two narcissists. It wasn’t until another of my oldest friends pointed out that they had always thought that my former best friend was a lot like my sister, that the penny finally dropped!

    My sister has never been my best friend. She has always been extremely jealous of me, and done her best to outshine me on every little accomplishment. She is the worst kind of bully. A master manipulator. And nothing is ever her fault.

    My mother used to be the same, and years ago, both mother and sister would turn on me.  I learned to simply keep out of the way if I could. My grandmother gave me a lot of love.

     

    #282761

    JayJay
    Participant

    Anita, I just realised I didn’t answer your question…

    You are thinking that your sister has been planning to take over your parents’ house and money, taking it all for herself, not sharing any with you, meaning, there will be no inheritance for you?

    I know this will happen, if my sister is allowed to get away with it. She was trying to get me to sign a legal statement to the effect that the house would be hers when my mother died. I got legal advice, and that was (also told to my sister at the same time) that you couldn’t decide on any future inheritance until it was actually yours. And that any agreement, legal or otherwise would not stand up in any court of law. My parents made a will stating that everything, including possessions and the house, should be sold and the contents divided equally between us, and that will still stands. Both parents had seen their own siblings arguing over who got what in their own families, and swore that this wouldn’t happen in our family.

    Sister didn’t like what the solicitor said one little bit.

    After a few days of sulking, I think she decided that if she couldn’t have the house, then she would spend all of my mother’s money instead. Which is actually illegal. Although I suspect that she will try to railroad me, when we do actually come into our inheritance, to give up any rights to the house as well. She has a grandiose sense of her own entitlement.

    I would rather tell her where to shove the lot of it! I have money of my own, I live quietly and don’t want for much. I’m not well off, but I manage. My sister is the exact opposite, she wants everything, and money has always meant everything to her. That’s why I suspect her motives in looking after my mother. The building work which Mum is paying for is actually making my mother quite ill, as the new kitchen is being built onto the side of the house, and the building work is noisy. My mother didn’t want a new kitchen or an extension. She was threatened by my sister that the alternative was that she would have to go into a home, something my mother has a horror of.

    She thought of trying to get my mother to change the will, by adding a codicil… of course, as my mother is not ‘in sound mind’ now, so no solicitor (lawyer) would actually sanction this course of action.

    However, as it is both my fathers’ and mothers’ wishes that any inheritance should be shared equally, I’m on the right side of the law in this matter.

    I think once my sister has the house the way she wants it, and has spent all of our mother’s savings, then she will put my mother into a home anyway, as she will no longer be of any use to my sister. I hope that’s not going to be the case, but sadly, knowing my sister like I do, I do think this will happen. I am of the opinion that my mother would be far better off in a home, as she needs specialist care from a team of people, and would also have company of others her own age. At the moment, my mother could afford the best suite in the best care home, but this won’t be the case when my sister discards her, if that’s what is going to happen.

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by  JayJay.
    • This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by  JayJay.
    #282857

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jay:

    Interesting development, your former friend leaving the man. You did predict it. Are you in contact with him now… or with her, if you’d like to share. I don’t have to know…

    You wrote: “My sister.. is the worst kind of bully. A master manipulator. And nothing is ever her fault. My mother used to be the same, and years ago, both mother and sister would turn on me”-

    – reads like they deserve each other living together, your sister calling the shots, doesn’t it?

    I mean, if your mother wants her there then I suppose she should have her there. Best you can do for yourself is go the legal route, do whatever is legally wise to do.

    What a shame that both of them have been/ are manipulative and untrustworthy, both your mother and your sister… and your friend who was like a sister to you. Unfortunately, betrayal is quite common in families. I wish it wasn’t your experience, or mine.

    How different was your grandmother, I wonder. What was she like.

    anita

     

    #282953

    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi Anita…

    Interesting development, your former friend leaving the man. You did predict it. Are you in contact with him now… or with her, if you’d like to share. I don’t have to know…

    I’d be glad to share it with you. The first I knew about my former friend discarding the man I was tentatively courting was when the man (I’ll call him A.) sent me a text message, after 2.5 years of silence, to say that he had been abandoned. Yes I thought this would happen. In fact I had a dream about how it would turn out, if you would be interested to know about that.

    My former friend (B) had done this in two previous relationships and left without a word of explanation. None at all.

    However, she had bumped into her previous ex bf and left A. four days later. Her previous ex phoned and asked me if I had heard from B, as she had told him that A. was mistreating her, that he was cruel, all kinds of lies. I told her ex. these were the same lies she had told A. about him. He asked if I was still in touch, whether I would get in touch, he was worried about her. I told him it was all lies. I told him I had no intention of ever getting in touch with her again. I had known A. for over 12 months when she decided she was going to have him, although I had only been courting him in a tentative sort of a way, and had not committed to a relationship as I wasn’t sure he was ready for one. He had always been a really kind and generous man.

    A. wouldn’t have even known she was actually leaving him for good the day she walked out of the door. Except he had stopped her on the way out and asked where she was going. As she wouldn’t take the car or let him drive her, but insisted on taking a taxi, he knew that she wasn’t going to come back, and when he asked her exactly that, she admitted that she wasn’t going to come back. He had kept her from the day she had moved into his house 2.5 years ago until a few weeks ago when she just ….walked. Telling the same old tales of cruelty and hardship.

    I told A. what her ex had said about him on the phone and he was shocked. But, I said, you believed it of her ex. Even though I told you that her ex wasn’t the person she had made him out to be.

    All I can assume is that B. has gone back to her ex, as he is willing to have her back at any price, and that includes keeping her housed, clothed and fed, and obeying her every command without question.

    I told A. this over several emails, as he couldn’t believe that she would do such a thing to him. I feel very sorry for A. He is so hurt and betrayed by her discard. He looked after his second wife for five years as she slowly died from Motor Neurone Disease. B. knew all about that, because I had told her when I was courting him. It didn’t make any difference when she decided to discard him. She used him for what she could get and left without a backward glance.

    I don’t know how people can do that to someone else.

    We have been exchanging emails as I wanted to help him through it a bit, even though he also discarded me when he took up with B. She had insisted on no contact with me, probably because I would have told him the truth and she couldn’t risk that. Although I owed A nothing, I just tried to help him understand that there are people like that in the world….

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by  JayJay.
    #282963

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jay:

    What an amazing and sad story. So you think that B is back with the man she left so to be with A-

    what is her power, B’s power- do you figure- a perfectly damsel-in-distress performance, you think?

    – and who  is next, back to .. A???

    Will you tell me about the dream you mentioned?

    * I will soon be away from the computer for about fifteen hours, will read from you and reply when I am back.

    anita

    #282975

    JayJay
    Participant

    Re… the other stuff.

    I’m seeking the advice of a solicitor as soon as I can. There has been another row with my sister. This time I cannot ignore it as I would be failing in my duty as a Lasting Power of Attorney if I didn’t ask the questions. This time it was about money – again. Now that both herself and her husband have moved in with my mother, I asked if they were splitting the bills three ways now there were three of them living there. She instantly tried to justify why they are not paying much in the way of bills. It seems to me that they are taking advantage of my mother, who is a vulnerable adult. I can’t allow this to continue, so I’m seeking legal advice.

    I’m thinking of rescinding my rights as power of attorney as I can’t see what use they are when she has full and complete control of my mothers finances and her health and welfare. This will mean I will have to walk away and go no contact. As my mother lives there, I will also not be able to ever see my mother again. It’s the cowards way out, I know I should fight for my mother’s rights. That’s not happening, and I cannot stand by and watch this happen. And having equal LPA rights also means that by not reporting my sister’s behaviour, I am condoning it and will eventually have to account for how I didn’t report it.

    And it’s not just the financial side of things that isn’t right. my mother’s welfare is also a cause for concern for me. But she agrees with everything my sister says, and sister says she agrees so that’s that. As my mother can’t remember agreeing to anything or what the conversation was about even as little as five minutes ago, I very much doubt that she is consenting except that she has no other choice. Or thinks she doesn’t. Or is frightened of my sister’s rages if she doesn’t agree with her.

    So I am being forced into taking some kind of action.

    You asked if they deserved each other, my mum and my sister. A few years back I would have said yes. But all I see now is a little old lady of 89 years old been taken advantage of. Someone who cries a lot and is anxious most of the time. My mother is no longer capable of being nasty to me, she has forgotten how. How sad is that – the times we have got on have all been since she developed vasc. dementia and she is no longer capable of being nasty to me alongside my sister.

    My grandmother brought both myself and my sister up most of the time. My mother always worked full time, although she didn’t have to. She didn’t want either of us, something she repeated over and over. She kept my sister close by her side though, when she wasn’t working. I distanced myself to get away from them both as I grew up. I feel that the only real love I ever got was from my grandmother. She was incredibly generous and alsways helping folk worse off than herself, although she didn’t have much in the way of material goods, she was always happy with her lot. She treated us both the same, but my sister resented the fact that she wasn’t the ‘queen bee’ at my grandmothers house.

    #282979

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jay:

    I will read your most recent post and anything you may add, and reply when I return to the computer, in about fifteen hours from now.

    anita

    #282981

    JayJay
    Participant

    What an amazing and sad story. So you think that B is back with the man she left so to be with A-

    what is her power, B’s power- do you figure- a perfectly damsel-in-distress performance, you think?

    – and who  is next, back to .. A???

    Will you tell me about the dream you mentioned?

    yes, a perfect damsel in distress story. she has repeated this with five different partners in her life now. And that’s not counting the ones who were wise or had a bit of intuition enough to not want to get involved. Even A. thought he was rescuing her from the big bad wolf, only to find out he has been painted as the latest big bad wolf himself.

    Why does she keep repeating the same behaviour over and over and expect a different result every time? She leaves so much heartache and pain in her wake. Her ex was on the phone to me for hours, trying to understand why she had discarded him. I talked him out of suicide one night, and it took most of the night to persuade him not to do it. Now I’m doing the same with A., although he doesn’t seem suicidal, thank the Lord.

    The dream I had came about 6 months after they went off together. I dreamed that B came crying to my door with a baby around the age of two or three years old in her arms. Begging for sanctuary. Telling me she had nowhere to go. Telling me that A. had turned out to be an awful man. I knew that the baby was a symbol of time, as B. is past child bearing age. So I knew from that moment on that in maybe two or three years time, she would be doing the same thing over again. Two and a half years later, and here we are! I believe that dream was sent by a higher power. It wasn’t an ordinary dream. I knew it had a message for me.

    #283073

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jay:

    Regarding B: I suppose her behavior is evidence that indeed, advancing age does not mean wisdom, that unless people pay attention and aim at learning… they don’t. Her ex, the man before A, the one she returned to, he didn’t learn anything himself, did he.

    Regarding your 89 year old mother, “She didn’t want either of us, something she repeated over and over”- she told her two vulnerable children that she didn’t want them.

    Now she is “a vulnerable adult”, a legal term.

    It makes sense to me that you continue with the  legal route, no point trying yet again to communicate with your sister.

    How much does it bother you to not see your mother again (a consequence, if I understand correctly, of taking the legal route); what do you feel about not seeing again a woman who pre-dementia was repeatedly nasty to you?

    anita

    #283139

    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Regarding B… I think it’s not only learning in order to gain wisdom by paying attention, but one has accept responsibility by not blaming anyone else for their own failings, and admit and accept that the blame lies with themselves sometimes. I think it might be about not lying to yourself.

    If I am wrong, I accept responsibility for my mistakes. I apologise. I learn from it.  I accept blame if it lies with me with humility and all due respect to the person involved for pointing out my mistake and thanking them for making me aware of it. I truly believe that people don’t grow or increase in wisdom until they can accept that they can sometimes or even often be wrong. And not make themselves a ‘victim’ and find someone to blame instead of themselves – finding a ‘scapegoat’ to excuse their mistakes and make them into someone else’s.

    If my sister is wrong about something (it doesn’t matter if it’s proved) she will swear black is white and it’s always someone else’s fault. The last time she threw a tantrum, there were no apologies when it was over and things were back to normal. Her only comment was ‘I’m only human’. I remember thinking at the time she said it, ‘Yes, and so was Dr. Crippen’.

    B. always blames her men for whatever is wrong with the relationship. They all start out being ‘The One’, and her expectations are high that this time it’s right. Then she finds they are, indeed, only human – with wants and needs of their own. So they deceived her (in her own mind) as they were not so perfect after all. So she leaves without a word or a warning.

    Regarding my mother…yes, at one time she was pretty toxic. I was the scapegoat for most things. My sister learned at my mother’s knee about the power you could gain over people by being manipulative, intimidating and bullying. As I bore the brunt of most of their bullying, I soon learned to keep away from them as much as possible. My friends became my family and my support system. When my sister wasn’t making my friends into her flying monkeys, or persuading them that she could be a much better friend to them than I could!

    All I feel for my mother now is a deep sorrow for her being the way she was. And the way she is now. I would say that the way she is now is Karma.. a cruel kind of Karma as she has now been robbed of the very thing she most coveted, and that was her control over everybody and every situation, and having all the attention focused on her.

    I don’t care about the money or any eventual inheritance. But having been at the receiving end of this kind of bullying for years, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, not even my mother, especially in the vulnerable state she is now in.

    How much would it bother me not to see my mother again? I would be very sad not to be able to see her and see that she was being treated well and that her last days were not spent in constant fear of abandonment. More out of a sense of duty, perhaps. I have a feeling though, that she wouldn’t miss me much at all.

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