Help save my marriage, my wife doesn’t love me.

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This topic has 31 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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June 18, 2019 at 5:19 pm #299725

Mark
Participant

Darren,

“Attraction” can mean many things. It could mean that you have never paid attention to her, never really listened to her, or whatever else that you did when she first decided to marry you.

If that is something else, then it is on her. Relationships are a two way street. Each of us need to take responsibility on our part of the marriage. It is not just one or the other. It is both of you. If she is already checked out then the marriage is lost because she has not motivation or desire to make any effort to be married to you.

Mark

June 18, 2019 at 5:41 pm #299727

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Darren:

I will be able to read your recent post (and anything you may add to it) when I am back to the computer. I understand that you are in a difficult situation and I hope your life will get better soon!

I will be back to read and reply to you in about 12 hours from now.

anita

June 18, 2019 at 6:14 pm #299731

Darren
Participant

Hi Mark,

I have spoken to her about our situation and she says that she hasn’t love me in over a year. The way she puts it, she asks me if I was with my ex, could I fall back in love with my ex by just being around her? I told her, no, but that eventually the spark may return.

My wife tells me that some days she’ll be able to stand being around me, and its those moments I feel like our marriage can be saved. But then I confront her about her suspicious behaviors, and we get into arguments. All the positive that I’ve done resets to zero in her mind. It’s like taking one step forward and two steps back.

My wife hates talking about our situation. Every time I bring it up, it seems to make things worse than make things better. It was in our last talk that she expressed her desire to really commit to the divorce and she was going to consult her mother about it thinking her mother would understand.

On a a side note, I want to thank everyone for taking time to give your inputs on my situation. My close friends are all in Canada and the one difference makes it hard for me to get in touch with them. Thank you.

June 18, 2019 at 7:35 pm #299733

Mark
Participant

Darren,

It sounds like your wife made up her mind. Best to physically separate, i.e. live separately and protect yourself financially and emotionally.

Mark

June 18, 2019 at 9:44 pm #299749

Darren
Participant

Mark,

I also think separation would do me good. However, we have a fairly tight budget as I am the only bread maker in the family. Start up housing costs are very expensive in Japan.

We sleep separatly at home. I sleep with my daughter in the master bedroom and she sleeps in the second room nowadays.

June 19, 2019 at 4:24 am #299771
Valora
Participant
She felt like I wasn’t there to support her and that is also her reason for having the affair. She thought the other guy was very understanding and she felt he was the only person at that time she can confide to.

I haven’t all of read the rest of the posts yet so I don’t know if any of this has been said, but these two lines you wrote to Anita are important. She was feeling unsupported and not understood, so that’s some of what she needs to feel from you in order to repair things… as well as trusted and not tracked (you also pointed out to me how she lied to you several times, but you lied to her as well when you were tracking her). I completely understand why you don’t trust her as she’s definitely proven herself untrustworthy, but if you two somehow do decide to repair things, you’re either going to have to just blindly trust her or be open to an open marriage and then hope that she’d regain her feelings/attraction toward you over time. You’re also going to have to somehow let go of everything that’s happened so far. I would also highly suggest marriage counseling. Also remember to pay close attention to what you’ve done in all of this, especially before the affair. I’m not at all saying that her cheating is your fault, but if she’s saying she felt unsupported before then, that’s something you need to pay close attention to because that’s behavior of yours that will need to change. I’d talk to her as Mark said and find out what other issues she was having with your behavior (not to point fingers, again, but those issues are part of what turned her away if your relationship had been good beforehand) and see if they are changeable. If she knows you will work to fix those things and try to reconnect and redevelop the relationship slowly over time, maybe it can be fixed.

If you two didn’t originally live in two different countries, I’d say this woman’s behavior toward you is unacceptable and I’d move on being that she’s cheated multiple times and seems to have checked out already, but if you went back to Canada without your daughter, it’d probably be hard for you to see her after that. I doubt the mom will let you take her out of the country without her unless she decides she’d rather not be a mom, so until your daughter turns 18, it’d probably be best for you to stay in Japan. I think in this case, because of your child, it’s worth doing everything you can to try to stay together… unless you’re willing to stay in Japan with being married to her.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Valora.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Valora.
June 19, 2019 at 4:41 am #299777

Valora
Participant

My wife tells me that some days she’ll be able to stand being around me, and its those moments I feel like our marriage can be saved. But then I confront her about her suspicious behaviors, and we get into arguments. All the positive that I’ve done resets to zero in her mind. It’s like taking one step forward and two steps back.

My wife hates talking about our situation. Every time I bring it up, it seems to make things worse than make things better. It was in our last talk that she expressed her desire to really commit to the divorce and she was going to consult her mother about it thinking her mother would understand.

I’d give it a little time if that last talk was recent because all of the talks really might be pushing her further away, but the next time you talk to her about it, instead of talking about what she’s done or any suspicious behavior, try talking about what she feels YOU have done. Find out exactly what she thinks was lacking and decide together if/how you can fix that, whether those things are changeable. If they are, make sure to change them. But make the conversation pointed directly toward you and your behavior this time. She might be more open to and feel better about talking about things if she doesn’t feel like the conversation is being pointed at her and her behavior. Remember when talking to her that you’re simply finding out how she feels… her perceptions on things. Whether you agree that you did those things or not, that’ll give you a lot of insight into how her change of heart came about and you have to know that before you two can fix it… if she’s still willing to fix things.

June 19, 2019 at 5:34 am #299785

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Darren:

You wrote: “I’ve read online that my wife is behaving the way she is because she has lost her attraction for me”-

-every married woman, sometimes does not feel attraction for her husband, but not every woman proceeds to have sex with a series of other men (over time). When a woman proceeds to have sexual affairs with a series of men outside her marriage, lies to her husband about those, shows no regret and no attempts to work on the marriage, and shows her husband the disrespect your wife has shown you, it is a matter of her dishonesty as a person, a disturbing lack of caring for your feelings, and these things cannot be cured by a return of an attraction toward you.

You can’t count on her to remain attracted to you even if she feels that again. You can count on a woman’s behavior if she values honesty and your feelings, which is not the case here.

I talked to a man about your story yesterday, after I got off the computer, he agreed with me that the thing for you to do is to move back to Canada (and lose the position in her father’s company). This man studied different cultures, including Japanese/Asian and he suggested that you talk to her father, saying something like this: You’ve been good to me and I don’t want to bring dishonor to the family, but my wife/your daughter…(I am not sure of the words from this point on) has been sleeping in separate room to mine and she has been having affairs with other men. I can’t live like that.

What do you think?

anita

June 19, 2019 at 7:14 am #299789
Darren
Participant
Valora,

I think your words were what I needed to hear. Although my past behaviors doesn’t justify for her actions, I do have to take some responsibility, own up to my mistakes, and learn from it. These days I’m putting my focus on being a better version of myself, for myself and my daughter, and not have any expectations from my wife. I do ask feel I should give it some time before having another relationship talk with my wife.

Anita,

Thank you for sharing my problem with your friend. I am very happy to find such a caring community here. As for leaving her and going back to Canada, I do not have solid proof that she did indeed cheat again after the first affair. She has mentioned to me before that she will never have another affair again, and if she falls for another man, she will end our marriage first before having sexual relations with the new guy. Since I don’t have solid proof she is cheating, I don’t feel it’s wise to jump the gun and reveal everything to my in-laws. By doing so, if my wife really wasn’t cheating then it would ruin her relationship with her family and she would forever resent me.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Darren. Reason: Spelling error
June 19, 2019 at 7:37 am #299795

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Darren:

You are welcome.

You wrote in your most recent post that you do not have solid proof that she has been cheating on you since the affair in Canada. But on page 1 of your thread, you shared about the present time, In Japan: “My wife goes to the gym everyday and comes back around 3-5 am in the morning”-

– she told you that she sits most of that time in her car alone, talking to friends.

You also wrote: “I did catch her lying multiple times after the affair.. while she was back in Japan last December and I was still in Canada, I found out she was staying in someone’s apartment in Tokyo”

Well… I suppose you don’t have solid proof. Perhaps you can check her phone records and see if she has been talking on the phone all night, including 3-5 am, with friends. But then, if there are no such phone records, that will still not be proof of her having sex with another man, or other men.

anita

June 19, 2019 at 8:15 am #299809

Mark
Participant

Darren,

Why don’t you just kick your wife out the home? It is not your worry if she has to figure out how to live on her own, to find housing. She is resourceful enough to find men to fuck. Let them take her in

I know it’s harsh but she made her bed and now she has to sleep in it.

Mark

June 19, 2019 at 11:28 am #299831

Zariah
Participant

Hello,

I’m sorry for what you are going through and how she is treating you so far.

I want you to ask yourself, if she does decided to work on the marriage for the sake of your kid will you be able to trust her again? Will you feel safe with letting her go out and not worry that she is sleeping with someone else? You can’t keep restraining her or set down these rules. Deciding not to be unfaithful is a choice that she needs to make and has failed to do so already once and maybe multiple times.

You are focusing on her perspective in all of this but I truly believe you should step back and focus on yourself wholeheartedly. Focus on the values and morals you wouldn’t budge in and realize she doesn’t fit in with those values. This was ultimately ruin your viewpoint of a relationship if you continue to stay and put up with it. You aren’t pathetic that you want to keep trying. You just don’t like giving up which is an admirable trait. I would put it towards the situation you are in rather than the person. You can change the situation but you can’t change someone’s personality. If you are a hard worker, I don’t think your father in law will want to lose you as an employee. Also, if he wants you to go then you can still leave and find something else with your 2 years of experience. Please keep us updated and find the strength to realize and know you need and deserve better.

June 19, 2019 at 11:39 am #299835

Zariah
Participant

Also wanted to add, she is treating you as an emotional punching bag and that will ultimately ruin you.

“She has mentioned to me before that she will never have another affair again, and if she falls for another man, she will end our marriage first before having sexual relations with the new guy. “

That itself is a red flag. She doesn’t think she has a problem at all but believes that finding someone new that she loves is a perfect excuse to drop you. When you love someone, you aren’t looking for your next love. You love her and you aren’t looking but she doesn’t feel the same way. Is there coming back after that? She is choosing to treat you as an option rather than a husband. She is choosing to be a mother at certain points rather than a mother at all times. This isn’t fair to your daughter or you.

June 19, 2019 at 4:11 pm #299879
Darren
Participant
Mark,

thank you for encouraging me to take a stand for myself as I know myself I don’t deserve to be treated this way. However, I am a foreigner in Japan, housing and income is provided through my wife’s father’s company. Kicking her out is not possible and would perhaps do me more harm instead. Had we been in Canada, I would definitely consider kicking her out.

Zariah,

thank you for your input on my situation, there was a time when I had complete trust in my wife and she had complete trust in me. That all faded last year when both of us made mistakes (I won’t argue who made a worse mistake) but essentially, things got to the point it has become now. She is treating me like this because she earnestly has no feelings towards me and has blocked her heart from me. I am hoping on working on myself and being a better father to my daughter and I hope that as time goes on, her wall will come down little by little. I will try not to push her away further and I will not have any expectations from her.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Darren.
June 20, 2019 at 6:27 am #299955

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Darren:

“I won’t argue who made a worse mistake”- you didn’t share that you were extremely disrespectful to your wife, about the same as she is and has been to you. You didn’t share that you had affairs as well. Perhaps you hit her… I suppose if you did these things, you indeed shouldn’t argue who made worse mistakes, and shouldn’t repeat these mistakes.

I do hope that you exercise patience and love with your young daughter and think about her well being first, and I hope your now estranged wife (sleeping in a separate room makes her estranged) does the same.

Feel free to post again anytime.

anita
Author

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