Barry,

You are puzzled about your friend’s behavior with you and want to know the possible reasons?  I suggest a sit down, face-to-face conversation with her.  Texting sucks as a way to communicate in my opinion.  Get everything out on the table and proceed from there.  Have it honest, respectful, open and loving.

Mark

Dear Valora

I have no idea if how she is treating me has got to be related to her wanting to cancel the trip. But I did asked her last week twice whether if the trip is on which she reply yes.

I even asked her if we want to cancel the trip which she declined no. I have asked her a few times if the trip wants to be cancel which she declined so I am not sure if it is gonna be related to the trip.

Hi Barry,

What I’m saying is that she may want to cancel the trip but may not want to tell you that to your face. So the more you ask her about it, the more she has to lie to you and the more she will avoid you so she won’t have to lie. I would consider the trip cancelled.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Valora.

Dear Barry/ JHK:

Having communicated with you and having studied your previous thread as JHK (now deleted), I think that the following article from https: // www. goodtherapy. org / blog / aspergers- syndrome- emotional- intelligence (no spaces) can be helpful to you if you have someone help you understanding it:

“Emotional intelligence (EI) is generally understood to be a person’s ability to identify and assess his or her emotional state, as well as the emotional state of others. It is not related to the kind of intellectual capability or intelligence typically assessed by IQ tests. Rather, it corresponds to a person’s ability to relate to others, work in groups, read between the lines in conversation, and interpret behaviors and moods displayed by others.. High emotional intelligence provides a sort of shorthand for smooth interpersonal relations and communication.

.. The better able you are to imagine the world from another person’s point of view, the more likely you are to score high on a measurement of emotional intelligence. Persons with high EI are able to anticipate what someone might do in reaction to certain circumstances or statements. They are able to empathize with unspoken sadness because they are able to interpret an event in ways another person is likely to interpret it, given what they know about that person. They are able to avoid certain topics of conversation because they can predict which subjects might be problematic for another person. They understand the concept of conversational finesse.

… A person with Asperger’s syndrome experiences the world in a very different way. With a tendency to take conversations and events literally, the emotional subtext often is unseen. This can lead to behavior that appears inappropriate at best, heartless or cruel at worst

… This is the experience of challenged emotional intelligence. This is commonly the experience of a person with Asperger’s. Anxiety soars as the person wonders what he or she did wrong, what he or she failed to understand, or what was missed.

With therapy, a person with Asperger’s can learn to decode some of what seems mysterious in the realm of emotional intelligence. It is possible to discern intellectually what may not come naturally emotionally.. Learning  helps a person with Asperger’s navigate the complex emotional undertones of daily life. It also helps relieve the free-floating anxiety that can accompany conversations and events, both familiar and unfamiliar, because it broadens the range of expectations and softens the likelihood of inadvertent blunders.

Emotional intelligence is a challenge for individuals with Asperger’s, but it is also a fruitful topic for exploration in therapy because it is so central to most interactions with others, both in social and in intimate contexts.”

From https: // livingautism . com / emotional- intelligence – ei – asd (no spaces):

“The defining feature of autism spectrum disorders (ASD) is impairment in interpersonal relating and communication. This includes difficulty communicating with others, processing and integrating information from the environment, establishing and maintaining reciprocal social relationships, taking another person’s perspective, inferring the interests of others, and transitioning to new learning environments.

While all individuals with ASD experience core social-communication deficits, we now recognize that autism-related traits are quantitatively distributed in the general population and that autism is best conceptualized as a spectrum disorder, rather than a categorical diagnosis. Even mild degrees of what might be called autistic social impairment can significantly interfere with adaptive behavior. Likewise, a combination of mild autistic symptomatology and other psychological liabilities (e.g., attention problems, mood problems, aggression) can have an adverse effect on social and emotional adjustment.

Unfortunately, the core features of ASD may not diminish with development. Typically, individuals do not ‘‘outgrow’’ their deficits. Distress may actually increase as the social milieu becomes more complex and challenging. These difficulties may then persist well into adulthood and lead to comorbid emotional symptoms. Indeed, high stress, anxiety and depression are regularly present in persons with ASD.”

anita

Dear Barry:

Yes it does. The exciting part of this information is that you can learn and understand more. But it requires a particular kind of teaching, or school of sorts that you need to attend, a professional setting of some kind.

At this time, I will be away from the computer. I will be back in about 18 hours from now.

anita

Dear Valora

i asked her about the trip and she said it is still on and I even asked her if the person she is seeing is ok with us proceeding with the trip which she says yes.

What I’m saying is she probably was not being truthful when she said yes. If she is avoiding you, that means she does not want to go. She probably feels bad saying it to your face, so when you ask her directly, she says yes even though she means no and doesn’t actually want to go.