HomeāForumsāRelationshipsāFeeling of abandonment when boyfriend is traveling for work
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April 5, 2018 at 2:12 pm #201039MeowAnnaParticipant
Hi,
I really hope someone can give me some input on this because I am a bit lost.
Just a few words about me: I am 30, a very independent person, traveled Indonesia alone, love to be home alone but also meet friends, so I am not specially needy or clingy at all.
My boyfriend travels for work 3-4 times per month for about 4-5 days each time and I somehow cannot handle it well. It’s not that I miss him soooo much – I mean, I do miss him, but that’s not the point – but that I do sometimes feel some kind of resentment towards the situation or him (not sure) and when he comes back, I am not jumping out of happiness over his return and I look super happy, no.. I am rather reserved and I feel some distance between us. That is me.. He is very sweet, very emotional and is always super happy to see me. Unlike me.. well, I am happy, but I feel strange and in the very beginning of him traveling I needed 1.5 days to kind of find back to him and be “normal” again.
Obviously that hurt him as he expects his girlfriend to be happy when he comes home after 5 days.Ā With the months it got better and better though and then he was 4 months off, we had a lot of time together and it was GREAT! But now the season started and he came back this morning from being 5 days away and I am back to the old stuff. I sat with my feelings the past days as I saw this resentment creeping up again and I don’t know what to do anymore.
He cannot do more than he does already, he sometimes takes me with him, calls me every day etc. It’s not about him. It’s me and I don’t know what to do. I just want this to stop happening.
Context info: I am a rather rational personal and I am more in touch with my head than with my heart. Working on that though. Relationship with my mom was never very emotional, warm or close. My parents are divorced since I was 6 and I haven’t had contact with my dad since then.
I would love to hear what you guys think or if you have any ideas on how to get out of this loop.
April 5, 2018 at 3:12 pm #201047MarkParticipantMeowAnna,
You are who you are.Ā He is what he is.Ā I assume that you two have talked about this with each other.Ā It is all part of accepting who each of you are.Ā You can attempt to shift into behaviors that will reassure him that you are happy to see him but ultimately this is who you are and am perfectly fine in that.
Talk to him.Ā He needs to be reassured that you are happy to see him.Ā Figure out ways/words/gestures/behavior that both of you can live with in terms of him knowing that you are happy to see him.Ā It probably won’t be the same what he wants but that is what communication and acceptance between two different people are all about.
Make sense?
Mark
By the way, I can relate to your behavior.Ā I am just starting a relationship and we communicate a lot especially on letting each other know who we are doing/feeling.Ā I pretty low key emotionally but let my girlfriend know with words how I feel about her. I am touchy/huggy with her and that is a conscious decision.Ā Check out the Five Love Languages so both of you know that you two have different ways of showing love for each other.
April 5, 2018 at 3:30 pm #201051MeowAnnaParticipantHi Mark,
thanks so much for your answer! I really appreciate it!
Yes, we have spoken about is quite often already and we usually have good communication but with this topic we keep running against a wall or better neither of us feels understood by the other one.
And yes, you are right, ultimately he needs this reassurance after being away for those days and not getting it, obviously hurts and makes him question and he starts drawing back and then even more distance is being created.
I am aware how different we are and did the test in the beginning with him. Acts of Service is my top scorer and for him it’s touch and words.
In the end, I will talk to him again those days and well, both of us need to make a step towards each other in terms of understanding and seeing what we can do as a team without feeling loved less and just seeing that this has nothing to do with my love for him. But well, one has in his had that the partner should be oh so happy when the other one is returning and if that is not the case, then something must be wrong. That really bugs me. And I feel somehow selfish for “not just giving to him what he needs”, just expressing happiness and be sweet when he is back, but somehow I get very blocked.
Mark, much luck with your new relationship! All the best!
Julia
April 6, 2018 at 2:56 am #201089AnonymousGuestDear MeowAnna/ Julia:
Your boyfriend’s traveling schedule would be difficult for almost any and every woman on the face of this earth. Being absent up to 20 days per month, month after month, is a whole lot of absence, a whole lot of leaving and returning.
First item in my input is that your feelings are not of your choosing, including the anger at him. There is a valid message behind what we feel. There are no good or bad feelings. Anger is not a bad feeling.
You wrote, “Relationship with my mom was never very emotional, warm or close”-Ā a baby, a young child naturally feels very, very close to her mother. There is no person closer, more important than one’s mother (or primary care taker, if different than the mother).
She must have rejected you repeatedly. She must have ignored your many, many efforts to reach out to her, to gain her attention and love.
When your boyfriend leaves, it mayĀ be a bit like your mother rejecting you, and when he returns you are angry at him, as in, why did you leave me?
It may be your anger with your father as well, for not being in yourĀ life after the divorce with your mother.
And so, the valid message behind your resentment, other than the difficulty in having a relationship with a person who is absent so often, is the old, still existing, anger at your mother for rejecting you and/or at your father for disappearing out of your life.
What do you think, or …better ask: what do you feel, if anything?
anita
April 6, 2018 at 6:29 am #201113ElianaParticipantHi MeowAnna,
When he is gone so much, you are losing the emotional bonding and closeness you had with him. When he leaves, because of the childhood trauma you expressed, not being very close to your mother, not alot of warmth, and your father leaving alot is now hindering your current relationship. The feeling of “pushing your boyfriend away when he comes back” is in a way, an unconscious way in what you did of resentment with your father when he left and abandoned you so many times.
This can be explored further with quality Psychotherapy. It will help you understand how your childhood and lack of closeness with a parental figure will impact any future relationship with a man. Also, when your boyfriend is away, is there any way you can “video chat” or “Skype” each other every day, so you can keep the emotional bond and be able to see him still everyday?
April 6, 2018 at 12:28 pm #201145KINDNESSParticipantI don’t think there is anything to worry about here….the rythme of being together gets upset when you’re apart. Hollywood has told you that you should be beside yourself as soon as he gets home….but if you need a little time to get used to being together..then don’t give yourself a hard time.
April 7, 2018 at 9:10 am #201209MeowAnnaParticipantHi all,
thank you so so much for your input! I loved to read your take on the situation!
@Anita Your words really hit me.. and with that I guess they also hit the nail on the head. I was really touched when reading this and while I knew it must stem from my parental relationship, I never considered my mother that much in the equation but rather my father. Thank you so much! It really opened up another way of thinking about the situation on some dynamics I have in all kind of relationships. I saw a psychotherapist last year and I am surprised that she never mentioned this. Thank you!!! š What I also just remembered is the fact, that it didnāt bug me that he left, when we didnāt live together. But later when we started to live together, those feelings of abandonment kicked in. Like ābeing left behind in our homeā etc. Which is strange, cause I really enjoy alone time too. Itās all so contradictory somehow, that I feel sometimes like an idiot.
@Eliana Thank you for your words! That was the direction I have been thinking into too – that I unconsciously get triggered and get put back into the situation of my parents separating.We try to talk as often as possible, but should try to do more video calls, you are right! Thank you!!
@Kindness Yes, the physical separation does take a toll and we need to work on keeping our connection intact when he is gone. And well, I do worry, because I care for him and I hate it that he comes home after 5 days away and doesnāt feel welcome. But thatās a matter of talking again about it and hopefully create more understanding for the situation. I totally do understand that it makes him feel bad and I would love to change that but itās not just done with Ā āgetting over myself and being affectionate when he is backā. Itās deeper than that.- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by MeowAnna.
April 7, 2018 at 9:53 am #201217AnonymousGuestDear MeowAnna:
You are welcome. I don’t view it as contradictory, that you enjoy time alone and that you feel abandoned when your boyfriend travels to work. Back to the child that you were, any child needs toĀ know her primary care taker (usually the mother) is there. It is when the child feels the mother is there, not far away, that she feels safe enough to explore. As she explores a distance away, she looks back to make sure the mother isĀ still there.
As adults we still need a combination of alone time/ exploring and together time/ safety.
anita
December 4, 2018 at 8:03 am #267681SashaParticipantMeowAnna!!
What happened?! Did you find any solutions or helpful ways of dealing with his absence? When I came across your post a few days ago, there were a few points during which I questioned if I had penned it myself, perhaps in an earlier attempts at finding some advice or comfort while having a tough bought during my partners travels. Iām right there with you on being the independent type; love my solo time, traveling to foreign countries often on my own, and finding much strength and empowerment from having this sort of outlook, especially being a female. His travel didnāt bother much before I moved into his apt either. Before then, I had my own space and routines and rhythms and Ā classes that made up my life. Iāve found that having my partner travel, we try to soak up all the time we can while he IS home, and in doing so, all those routines (biking, yoga, running, meeting up with friends), they all deminish overtime. Then when he leaves, what is left of me? Of all the times that heās gone away in the last 9 months, only once was I able to keep my shit together and it was because I got so busy with a personal project over the weekend, that it completely consumed me for 48 hours straight. So in a way, it kept me company in his absense and kept any negative feelings at bay. But that was a few weeks ago and here I am again. I think another thing that adds to my grief is that he always leaves on fridayās Or very early Saturday morning; aka the first 2 days fall on a weekend when I am alone with no where to be, facinging the sad (and eventually frustrating) reality of my empty apt. We always say that for that first weekend, weāll send me on one of my yoga retreats for a weekend, or book me with massages and various appointments to keep me busy but that hasnāt happened yet and Iām not sure how financially responsible it would be in the long run. Like your partner, mine also does everything he can to keep in touch and be supportive and loving to me whenās he travels and when heās home. He is super communicative and affectionate, so zero of my sadness (?), confusion (?), frustration (?), stems from him. Just his job I suppose.
Antways, Grateful for your post, and would love to hear any helpful learnings you may have discovered on your journey.
<3
October 22, 2020 at 12:42 pm #368105BeeKindParticipantHey there,
I created this account just to follow THIS thread. My boyfriend has wanted a job that requires travel for years. I have made it clear that I am not comfortable with it. He now feels like he canāt propose to me because I donāt trust him to not be nearby all the time. Iāve explained itās really that I deal with abandonment feelings while heās away (JUST like the ones described in this thread) and he says he hears that but still feels how he feels. Weāve been together for 10 years.
I have serious abandonment issues stemming from my childhood. Absent mother and emotionally manipulative father, so I know where these feelings come from AND I am in therapy to try to address them… but I also just donāt want to deal with being with someone who travels for a living. Itās so hard for me to take emotionally.
Like I said, we have been together 10 years, since high school. We were long distance for college and he was terrible at keeping up communication – he claimed in order to āsurviveā he required little to no communication while we were apart. It was impossible to schedule time to skype together. It tore me to pieces, but I held on because I really love him. He has since worked on this and calls me regularly when heās away (as I requested).
When graduation was nearing he was looking for jobs that required travel. I got so upset and said I needed him to not travel for work. He got a job as a teacher instead and we stayed put in the Bay Area for three years. I thought he was ok with not traveling for work and that he understood my wishes.
He would fly to see his family and friends for the summers, which was hard for me. I made him feel bad for doing so in the beginning, but he said it was really wrong and hurting him so I got therapy for it. I think I got better but heās still so bitter about it.
COVID hit and he started desperately complaining that he needed to be back on the East coast because he felt that he didnāt belong in the Bay Area. So, being the one with a job in tech, I easily found a tech job on the East coast. I myself feel more at home in the East coast, and we agreed that we would eventually move back anyways, the pandemic just heightened his need to be back East since he was stuck at home all the time.
He now has easy access to all of his family and friends, all of them a 2-6 hour car ride away. I on the other hand left behind good friends and the only family members that ever treated me right, so I felt like there was some level of sacrifice that I made to ensure we could both be happy. I thought he would be happier.
Heās been out of work for 6 or 7 months now, trying to transition from teaching to the private sector. Heās now looking for jobs that would require travel to Los Angeles and the Bay Area. I just donāt know what to do. I DONāT want him to travel for work, and Iām realizing there is no perfect place to move to for him to magically feel satisfied – he will always require a job that travels no matter where we live.
It seems like if I could get over these feelings of abandonment through therapy he might feel like I trust him and would be ready to take our relationship to the next step. I have so many feelings of hurt, anger, unworthiness, and abandonment. I donāt feel supported or understood, and I feel like itās not fair that I should have to change my needs for him… I didnāt realize that he still wished to have a job that required travel.
Iām not sure if Iām even capable of being in a relationship with someone who travels for work, which is a terrifying thing to realize 10 years into a relationship and wanting to get married. Iām not sure if itās a good idea to get married now.
I desperately want to hear how other women have resolved this for themselves.
October 22, 2020 at 3:21 pm #368125AnonymousGuest* Dear BeeKind:
I will read and reply to you when I am back to this thread, in about 18 hours from now.
anita
October 23, 2020 at 12:06 pm #368151AnonymousGuestDear BeeKind:
You shared that as a child, you had an “absent mother and an emotionally manipulative father”, and as a result, you developed “serious abandonment issues”.
In high school, you started your current relationship with the man you are still with. During college your relationship was long-distance and during that time, he “kept little to no communication with” you, which was very difficult for you. Since then he changed, and calls you regularly when he is away.
When his graduation from college was nearing, he looked for jobs that required travel. You got upset, because of your serious abandonment issues,Ā and told him that you “needed him to not travel for work”. He then got a job as a teacher and stayed put in the Bay Area for 3 years. During those years he flew to see his family and friends who lived on the East Coast for the summers. His absence was hard for you, and you “made him feel bad for doing so in the beginning”. He’s “still so bitter about it”.
Before Covid, the two of you talked about moving to the East Coast eventually, where you stated that you feel “more at home”. When Covid hit, “he was stuck at home all the time”, and “he started desperately complaining that he needed to be back on the East coast because he felt that he didn’t belong in the Bay Area”- so, you easily found a tech job on the East Coast, left behind “good friends and the only family members that ever treated me right”,Ā and moved east with him, hoping that your sacrifice will make him happy.
Currently, he is 2-6 hours car ride away from all his family and friends. He has also been out of work for 6-7 months at this point, trying to transition from teaching to the private sector, and looking for jobs that would require travel to Los Angeles and the Bay Area. You want to marry him, but he told you that he can’t propose to you because you “don’t trust him to not be nearby all the time”.
You are attending therapy for your abandonment issues, hoping to “get over these feelings of abandonment through therapy”, and that he might feel that you trust him and propose to you. You are feeling “hurt, anger, unworthiness, and abandonment. I don’t feel supported or understood, and I feel like it’s not fair that I should have to change my needs for him”, that you “didn’t realize that he still wished to have a job that required travel.. I’m not sure if I’m even capable of being in a relationship with someone who travels for work… I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to get married now”, “IĀ just don’t want to deal with being with someone who travels for a living”-
My thoughts:
1. In regard to him: I am guessing, and it is most likely, that when he was in high school, he didn’t know exactly what he wanted and what he should be doing, personally and professionally. And, of course, he had no way to know what the world will be like ten years later.
Over the years, he wanted to travel, he wanted you in his life, and therefore, he wanted to please you and stay put; he wanted to live and work in the Bay Area, then he wanted to be back east.. and now he wants to travel to Los Angeles and to the Bay area. He is currently in the process of a career transition, during an unstable and tense time of a winter-wave pandemic, unprecedent political times with elections in progress, civil unrest, and significant/ severe economic changes in progress.
I don’t think that he is ready to make a decision regarding marriage. He still needs to find his way, as the saying goes.
2. In regard to you: as hard as you are and will be working in therapy, serious/ severe emotional injuries in childhood, such that cause your abandonment issues, do not heal quickly or completely. The emotions you experience when you feel abandoned are powerful. It is better for you to continue to attend therapy and to not put yourself in situations that activate those powerful emotions.
It is similar to this: let’s say a person suffers from claustrophobia, the intense fear of being trapped in a small or enclosed space. That person should attend quality psychotherapy, but also see to it that he/ she does not volunteer to be trapped in a small or enclosed space.
It will be better for you to be involved with a man who is more stable, who has found his way, who is already established in a particular career, in a particular location and who does not plan to move to a different location, or to travel for work.
anita
April 20, 2021 at 5:32 am #378139NamasteParticipantI have a similar situation.Ā I am 62 and my ex-boyfriend is 61.Ā My friends and family describe me as positive, smart, strong and beautiful.Ā I am not over demanding or needy.Ā Ā We had been together for 3 1/2 years.Ā Throughout the time he traveled for work and to visit his family in another state.Ā The traveling was hard on me.Ā I felt this intense grief (beyond just missing him) when he was gone, which I didn’t understand at the time.Ā For the past 1 1/2 years he has lived in another state (even bought a house there) in order to care for his son ( aged 24) who has serious issues.Ā The entire time I have felt intense joy when we’re together and intense sadness/grief when he is away.Ā I believe he is trying to move back here, but he already missed his first deadline and now in addition to sadness/grief, I feel anger/resentment and loss of trust.Ā I want to believe in the bright future I so want with him but this relationship is so hard on me.Ā He doesn’t see it this way.Ā He says he just needs a little more time to help his son and then he can move back.Ā I feel like this will never end because his son has serious issues.Ā I don’t expect him to choose between me and his son but I’m tired of not being a priority.Ā Then I feel guilty because his son is truly in need of help.Ā In addition, my marriage of 36 years ended because my husband was mentally ill and refused to get help.Ā This caused him to be psychologically abusive to me and this current situation is rubbing all the old wounds.Ā As I write I realize how hopeless this all sounds. He also has this dysfunctional enmeshment with his ex-wife.Ā They have to communicate because of their son.Ā Ā It’s been about a month since we broke up and I still cry every day.Ā I cannot believe I’m alone this far down the line as the song goes.Ā I keep thinking about the good times and my question is this….am I holding on to a good man or just the dream of what I wanted?Ā Do I really miss him or am I just terrified of being alone?Ā I’m trying to reframe the whole thing with the idea that love is never wasted and I’m thankful for all I’ve learned and the ways I’ve grown in this relationship.Ā Ā The thought of creating a dating profile is overwhelming.Ā The thought of sitting here alone is no good either.Ā I have tons of friends and a close family but I want a partner to share my life.Ā Any advice is appreciated.
April 20, 2021 at 10:07 am #378160TeeParticipantDear Jane,
I was in a similar situation at the beginning of my relationship with my now husband. He had a sick brother he had to take care of, and I felt exactly like you: I was hurt because I wasn’t his priority. He was very attached to his brother and suffering because of his deteriorating condition. Almost all his time and energy was focused on his brother. I decided to break up because I felt uncared for and neglected.
Well, some time later his brother passed away, and only then did I start realizing how selfish I was in this entire story. It actually caused a spiritual and personal crisis in me (because I wanted to get back with him and he was very reluctant because he felt betrayed). It was the trigger to start me on the path of personal development.
One of the first things I’ve learned is that the reason for my needy behavior was that I felt unloved, and needed someone to love and care for me, like a mother would care for a child. I needed to be No1 in his world, and I needed his life to revolve around me. When this wasn’t possible, I felt abandoned and unloved.
Another problem was my anxious attachment style, where I felt I couldn’t live without him. I wasn’t able to cope either existentially or emotionally without him. I was like a needy child, and he was like a good mother that I never had. It took me quite some time to heal those wounds and be able to take care of myself emotionally so that I don’t depend on him so much.
You say you’ve stayed in a marriage for 36 years with a mentally ill man who refused to seek help. That probably shows your fear of being alone, since it was easier (or safer?) for you to stay in an unhappy marriage than to separate. He must have met your needs in some way though, since you haven’t left to look for someone else?
My advice is to work on healing the abandonment issues, and the lack of self-love, because that’s the only way to experience a fulfilling relationship…
April 20, 2021 at 3:32 pm #378195NamasteParticipantThanks for responding.Ā I stayed in my marriage out of loyalty and unselfishness.Ā I wanted to take care of him because he was sick and I loved him.Ā I had trouble setting healthy boundaries with him.Ā His behavior became more erratic toward the end of our marriage.Ā I left when it became unsafe.Ā There were many good years, but he definitely abandoned me emotionally.Ā As you can see, this wound is being re-opened with the long distance relationship.Ā I am actively working on this.Ā I actually like being alone and cherish my alone time.Ā However, I also want a partner.Ā I don’t think it’s selfish to have needs and wants.Ā I think it’s dishonest to pretend you don’t have any or that yours don’t matter for extended periods of time.Ā Your thoughts?
I
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