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Could use a little help

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  • July 9, 2019 at 1:31 pm #302639
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ImJWL:

    Welcome back. This limited relationship (maybe fitting a “friends with benefits” label) is not promising at all,  in my mind. Nothing much to reasonably hope for. I think that you need a man who will be interested in you, who will communicate with you beyond  one liners once a day or, not replying to your answers to his one liners. No.. this is way too limited.

    Remember my advice to you in your Jan thread, to meet a number of men in public places, such as a coffee shop, maybe a casual restaurant or for a walk in the park and just talk, getting to know each other?

    In such talks you can ask about the man’s life, his family, friends, employment, plans, and share the same with him about you. All that, without getting physically involved.

    After meeting a few men this way, maybe a dozen or more (through a dating app perhaps), then make a choice who  to  date, one step at a time.

    anita

    July 9, 2019 at 2:44 pm #302649
    Valora
    Participant

    I want to break it off for my mental health and mental space and also because I am afraid if I stay that this pattern of sex not seeing each other and limited communication will continue and I will not get my needs met and continue to suffer

    It sounds like you really know what to do and I agree with this thought. I think it’d be a good idea to break it off and move on for multiple reasons. I also think it might be a good idea for you, while going through a divorce, to just take the time for yourself and not worry about dating for a bit. Enjoy your time being single and go do some things you’ve always wanted to do since not having to devote time to a partner gives you extra time to do and learn new fun things. Then when you feel you’re in a really good place emotionally, start meeting people for coffee, like Anita said. Take it slow. Sex adds a level of complication, especially for women, because we tend to get more attached after that.

    July 10, 2019 at 5:25 am #302713
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi ImJWL,

    You slept with him way too soon. Sleeping with someone happens after you are in a committed relationship when you KNOW this person is crazy about you.

    This guy is not crazy about you.

    What I would do is drop the rope. Stop initiating texting/calling. Let HIM text. Respond the next day, but never write more than he writes you. He’s trying to play it cool. But he’s not that cool.

    Let HIM initiate seeing you. Let HIM make the plans. Let HIM talk about the relationship.

    Meanwhile, when he FINALLY gets to go out with you (probably after many moons of one line texts from him), DON’T sleep with him! He will be thunderstruck. Just be all, Nope, tired/not in the mood/coming down with something/plans.

    Ideally, he will buy a clue and realize that he has to put work into the relationship.

    Lastly, he is a foreigner. When he comes to his senses, don’t be his Green Card passport. Date him seriously AFTER he becomes a citizen.

    Best,

    Inky

    July 11, 2019 at 12:11 am #302851
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hello ImJWL

    You have only just separated from your husband of 8 years and you are going through a divorce.  This is a stressful time for you with or without the pressures of dating someone new.

    You both have doubts about this relationship but you are also both going through changes in personal circumstances which is unsettling and leaves both of you vulnerable.  His behavior suggests that he is just as wary of becoming too involved with you as you are with him (you don’t want to be left heartbroken).

    This person is not living up to your expectations but then he is not a mind reader either and if you don’t tell him how you feel, how is he going to know?  You are not a mind reader either so don’t try and guess what is going on with him.  This leads to unnecessary torment.

    Do you have a pattern of bottling things up and then exploding?  If so, you may need to work on your communication skills.

    I tend to agree with your friend that you say what you want/need to say and then move on.  This isn’t working for you and, primarily, you have to look after yourself and your mental health and welfare.

    Peggy

     

     

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