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contemplating between holding on and letting it go

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month ago.

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  • #321453

    Amy
    Participant

    I have been in a relationship for two and a half years, intial 7-8 months were magical , i had a really nice time. I met my boy friend in college we started dating when i was in my second last semester. I just loved him , we had a really nice time. After 6-9 months of dating problems started creeping up. I dont want to go in the details but here iam , since past 1.5 years i havent been feeling nice , there are moments which i like but more than for most of the part iam unhappy , there are so many things revolvinh in my head but when it comes to writing it down iam blank. I have seen some major changes in and my life. I lost one of my best friend whom i really valued and loved because of my problems going on with my boy friend and i really regret that. So back in 2018 in the month of march end and feb beginning , my boy friend completely abandoned  me , he left me without even saying anything , he just said that i was hindering his growth , which left me clueless because i truly with all my will and might supported him while he completing his college , i already graduated he had few more semsesters , i still helped him with his assignments and everything despite doing so much he said that iam hindering his growth, he just stopped talking to me , i was in a deep mess , i just started working in my own business and i couldnt concentrate on my work, some how i felt that i cant let him go , i love him from all my heart. I thought of visiting him, so i went to him , things became fine, but when i was with him i felt disrespected.  Things became normal i went back to my home town.

    I lied to him once and i truly was sorry about that and he still keeps on making me reming about the lie that i told him , he has also lied i just let it go. I feel that he doesnt value me, i feel dejected left in tears all the time. I was a very happy go lucky person and now i feel iam losing myself. Every time when i get hurt he comes up to me and he says sorry and i melt down but he doesnt know that every time he hurts me a piece of me breaks down . I feel that he gives others more importance than me when we are with others, he always cribs about me, making me feel bad about myself , so much so that i actually start thinking that iam not a nice person , when i want to tell him stuff thats bothering me he runs away from it and he tells me that i have started crying over petty issues , i feel that if we cannot open up to the person whom we love the most then whom would we open upto , i just keep that feeling within me and i just let it go and it frustrates me. I feel really bad that why did i fall in love with so much that my entire life revolves around him. I was still madly in love with him that i made my mom dad meet him telling them i want to be with him i was that sure but he wasnt sure about me , i told him that i have a dead line that i have tell the final decision to my parents he forgot that date i understand he was out with his friends i still waited for another 10 more days untill finally i told him about the dead line. He was like you know i keep forgetting things , i honestly am not that kind of person who likes to force any one for anything , i just wanted a clear picture of what he wants with us. I feel i keep fighting alone in our reationship to be together for long term and he keeps appologising to me for everything because he loves me. I dont understand , recently we went on a trip with our friends he made me feel that iam just there i felt i was being taken for granted i felt he was giving more importance to other people than me he infact even told me that me and one of our friend is same for him. He got mad at me because one of our friend was leaving because we all had an argument. I just dont understand what should i do i stopped talking to him after the trip completly but he wouldnt stop calling , giving clarifications and justifications not even realising once what he did to me. Deep down inside i still want to be with him forever but i know i wont be happy with him, my love for him is not getting despite whatever has been happening.

     

    I dont like it with him , he keeps doubting me for everything little things and the same thing if he does it its comepletly fine, i feel that my thinking is getting narrower because of this. I dont even like to see me like this. I keep making decisions to leave him but i become weak when he keeps calling and apologising. I am really lost of how to make things in the right place. He keeps comparing and appreciating others , i feel like a loser , he tells me he is joking but all the time same thing i get irritated i dont feel special with him. I just love him that makes me want to stay with him. I dont know what should i do. He is right that i get angry really fast thats because so much has happened between me and him on everything that he does i get irritated. I feel that as much as i give importance or as much as i want him in my life to be there he doesnt. We have trust issues we dont trust each other. Iam stuck in this since a long time now, lot of my friends they keep advising me but at the end i go back to him . I just want to stop all and take stand but iam not able to.

    What should i do iam really clueless

     

     

     

    #321515

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amy:

    This is what you wrote that your boyfriend has done and is doing: “he left me.. said that I was hindering his growth… he says sorry… gives others more importance than me… he keeps apologizing to me for everything… he was giving more importance to other people….  he wouldn’t stop calling, giving clarifications and justifications.. He keeps calling and apologizing… He keeps comparing and appreciating others”.

    For whatever reasons, it seems to me that you are not okay with not being the center of his attention while there are other people around. You get angry when he pays attention to other people so you fight with him and with the other people, his friends. Am I correct?

    anita

     

    #321539

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Amy,

    He feels comfortable not respecting you. Tell him you are taking a break. Don’t explain why. He knows why. Then drop the rope.

    I don’t care how much you love him. I don’t care if the holidays are coming up. I don’t care how much he contacts you.

    After you say, “I’m taking a break” don’t respond to him for a couple months.

    Let HIM call YOU after the New Year. Believe me, he’ll respect you.

    Best,

    Inky

    #321657

    Amy
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    First Of all thank you so much for reading my post , i really appreciate it. Being the centre of attraction is not the only thing , look i dont mind if we are in a group and we are involved with other people , even i am involved  with other people , its just that he keeps saying stuff like look at her she socialises with every one unlike you this is just an example , he keeps nagging me. This is all just a part of it, mostly i feel that he doesnt respect me. Like he told my friend that i just have had one girl friend i wanted two or three more to experience. i felt bad because i thought he just told me this so i thought  he was joking but he is not. There are so many things anita but i feel bad you know to keep listing all of those becuase i dont want to complain about any one.

     

    I just dont know what to do , i have felt really miserable at times , he doesnt even realise what he does. He just says sorry i dont talk to him but he becomes really upset which makes me really melt down and i start talking to him

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Amy.
    #321661

    Amy
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    I try doing that , i try not talking to him but after couple of days i melt. I also have a fear of losing him. If i stop talking to him for couple of months i am scared what if he never calls back or what if he leaves me . Its been few days that i have stopped talking to him but he keeps calling me and out 10 calls i pick up one, it melts me because i cant see him upset i feel bad when he cries. There are certain things that stops me being with him , i am so stuck up at past with him , i want to forget it but every time something or the other crops up and then again he is sorry.  But i want to be strong i know for a fact that if i still continue with all this i will lose a part of me and hurt myself even more. I have loved him more than anything but whats the point if i feel all this in a bad way.

    I really want to get out of all this, want to experience different things now iam tired of feeling this way. I dont know how should i do it.

     

     

    #321667

    luff
    Participant

    Dear Amy,

    I can simply say one thing, all those things you listed down- imagine dealing with all those negatives for the rest of your life? you indirectly pushing him to settle down and providing deadlines is not going to change the man. If he really values you he doesn’t need to REMEMBER a deadline to give an answer. we would KNOW the answer. if he has doubts that he has to think so much, clearly he doesn’t deserve you.

    Learn to value and appreciate yourself first. then you will realize that you have absolutely no reason to tolerate anyone who treats you this way. It’s going to be hard to let go, but trust me once you do you will achieve an amazing level of freedom and happiness in your life giving room to someone who actually cares about you.

    whenever he comes to you and apologizes or keeps calling and IF YOU KNOW is melts you and affects you, block him. just stay away. stay away from anything that would make you feel vulnerable. and then push yourself to come out of this.

    All the best. Hope you make the right choice and wish you a lifetime of happiness.

    -Luff

    #321679

    Amy
    Participant

    Hi Luff,

    Thank you so much for your reply, i actually felt so much better after reading the reply you gave. You are right if i let him go for once i will be a happier person , i feel that in these past three years now i have lost myself, i need to regain the old me. Get back to normal life. I have to be strong and take control of my life. The point is i am so emotionally dependent on him , he has a deep impact on my soul and my heart , i feel i have lost a connection from my soul. I have realised now that i shouldn’t be so close to any one in which i could lose a connection from my soul.

    I want to value myself but something pulls me back to him, its feels difficult to stay without him. I have my own business i keep myself busy in that but still half of my mind is into him , i feel that the person whom i loved so much i will have to let go off him its the toughest thing to do , and i have to do it because i have been so hurt , iam sure even he might not be happy of me going away from him but i cant let him keep hurting me, i gave him chances but again same old thing. I am also not perfect i also make mistakes i have realised that i get really angry at him because i just get irritated with him , when i try to explain my feelings to him he is like you keep crying all the time and he runs away from it. Suddenly he shows interest when he knows that iam parting away but yet again when i give in he starts his whole thing again. Its not easy to leave some one whom you love the most but i guess its for the best.

    I would just want to know how can i move on from all this and get back to normal person , i dont want to take so much time but i know i have to heal myself. please suggest ways of healing myslef

     

     

    #321701

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amy:

    You are welcome. I read and re-read your posts this morning.

    According to your share, you used to be “a very happy go lucky person”. Your sickness then started in 2018, a year and a half ago,  when this man “completely abandoned me.. just stopped talking to me, I was in a deep mess.. couldn’t concentrate on my work”. Following that you reached out to him and the relationship resumed. But for the last year and a half this is your experience: “he doesn’t value me, I feel dejected left in tears all the time….I am losing myself.. I get hurt… every time he hurts me a piece of me breaks down… he.. makes me feel bad about myself… I feel really bad… taken for granted… I don’t like it with him… my thinking is getting narrower… I feel like a loser.. I get irritated… I get angry really fast… everything that he does I get irritated…I am stuck… I am really clueless… I have felt really miserable”.

    You repeatedly reached out to your friends during this relationship, they advised you to leave him but you didn’t follow their advice. “I  lost one of my best friend whom I really valued and loved because of my problems going on with my boyfriend… Lot of my friends they keep advising me but at the end I go back to him”.

    Let’s look at your anger: “we all had an argument.. I stopped talking to him after the trip completely but he wouldn’t stop calling… keeps calling and apologizing… I get angry really fast.. everything he does I get irritated… He just says sorry I don’t talk to him but he becomes really upset.. and I start talking to him… It’s been few days that I have stopped talking to him but he keeps calling me and out 10 calls I pick up one… I get really angry at him because I just get irritated with him… she shows interest when he knows that I am parting away but yet again.. he starts his whole thing again”.

    My thoughts this morning: a year and a half ago he just stopped talking to you and you were devastated. And yet, after the relationship resumed you keep doing to him what he did to you: you stop talking to him, he is devastated, reaches out  to you, you finally talk to him, then after a while, you stop talking to him, he reaches out to you repeatedly until you talk to him again. You do to him again and again what he did to you that one time.

    This is not a bad man- good woman situation, where you are his victim. You are no less responsible for this dysfunctional relationship than he is. Maybe more.

    “I know I have to heal myself. Please suggest ways of healing myself”-

    – I suggest that you get professional help with your anger problem. I see your anger as deep and persistent and I think it started when you were a child, long before you met this man. I don’t think your anger was born as a result of meeting him. I think that no matter how hard he tries, you will find something he said or did to be irritating, fueling that anger inside you.

    Seek counseling for your anger, and for what is underneath your anger, is my suggestion.

    anita

     

     

    #321883

    Amy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I dont do it on purpose , i dont leave him just because he left me at that one time , i really  love him so much so that despite he ill treating me and disrespecting me i still get back to him. I have tried a lot to stay with him , but when he keeps doing the same stuff , he keeps taking ill about my character, takes me for granted always keeps saying that i had a boy friend before him and iam his first he wants to try others , and always doubts me. He trusts others more than me. I have so many things thats inside me that keeps me anxious and i want to share with him so that we can solve our problems and get ahead but he runs away from all this.

    I have been in an emotional turmoil , i am not happy with him , i love him and i am so used to talking to him every day that now when i finally blocked him i feel empty from inside. I still dont know if should go back to him and leave him completely

     

    Regarding my anger, iam angry and mad at him because he cant say rubbish about me and questions my character and assumes that i  have been into physical relation with my friends this is a very big allegation and questioning my love. Then he will say sorry and come back again ? I feel bad that the person whom i love overthinks a lot about me , he is really sweet to his friends but when it comes to me he speaks bull shit, All the things that has happened between me and him has built that anger in me , i wasnt like this before. I feel that iam losing myself , a part of me wants the support that i dont get from him.

     

    I dont know if i should continue or let it go

    #321953

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amy:

    There is no doubt about one thing: this relationship between you and this man is unhealthy- for you and for him. It is harmful for you, and for him. It is his first relationship, so he is getting a bad experience in his first relationship.

    No doubt it should  be ended, but your friends told you that many times and you even lost a good friend over this. I suppose she got too tired hearing you complain but never ending this relationship. So she ended her friendship with you. Is that what happened?

    Let’s look at the advice you gave another woman today or yesterday regarding her unhealthy relationship: “You need to let go of him to gain you. You are more important than anything in this world… No man is more important than you are to yourself… In this world there is no place for any weak person.. I would suggest that you start reading self help books… embrace your feelings and go to work… Just focus on your work… Make new friends, go  out with them… develop a hobby to distract your mind, do yoga and travel.. Start finding  yourself again, you will come out to be the best version of you“-

    – yet you haven’t been able to follow your own advice. Didn’t follow your friends’ advice or your own. Why?

    Maybe, just maybe you didnt, because in the context of a romantic relationship, you already are the best version of yourself. Maybe outside the context of a romantic relationship you are “a very happy go lucky person”, making new friends, going out with them, doing yoga, traveling and so forth, but once in a romantic relationship – it is a game changer for you: you become obsessed and angry and vengeful, complaining a lot, arguing and fighting and making up, again and yet again.

    In your post to me you wrote regarding ghosting him repeatedly: “I don’t do it on purpose, I don’t leave him just because he left me at that one time”- I understand that, you do it because you get angry again and again. Not because you plan to do it in cold heart. Most people abuse others out of anger, not out of a cold hearted decision.

    “I really love him so much that despite he ill treating me and disrespecting me I still get back to him”- you get back to him and ill treat him and disrespect him.

    He “always keeps saying that I had a boyfriend before him and I am his first he wants to try others”- he shouldn’t say that of course. He should end the relationship with you, it being his first relationship and a bad one, and following a break he should try a good, healthy relationship.

    “He trusts others more than me”- maybe they don’t ghost him, like you do. Maybe they are trustworthy and you are not.

    In summary: you are hurting him no less than he is hurting you. You are not his victim. He may be your victim. Think about “The best version of you”, of Amy. What is that best version in the context of a romantic relationship? And be that best version now. Don’t wait for after the relationship to be your best version. Be it now. If you believe that he is hurting you repeatedly and for so long, then end the relationship for good. This is what a best version would do, isn’t it?

    You wrote to me: “I have been in an emotional turmoil”- take care of that emotional turmoil, counseling perhaps.

    anita

     

    #321991

    Abie
    Participant

    Hello Amy,

    You had mentioned that you wanted to learn how to move on from this and get back to being a “normal person.” You have also mentioned numerous times about losing yourself while being in a relationship with this person. In order for you to move on get back to being yourself again would be to probably find yourself again. What did you do before this person? What do you enjoy doing (hobbies/activities/sport)? What new things do you want to try? What things have you put on hold for this relationship? Really think about that and find something that makes you happy outside of this person. I get it, letting go of someone is so hard and I’ve been there. In my own experience, I just kept digging myself into a bigger hole of disappointment, sadness, depression, and anger. I knew that that person was not going to change in the way that I wanted him to and he shouldn’t, so I had to let go because I realized that he wasn’t for me. And in doing that, I asked myself all those questions that I asked you earlier. It’s not going be easy, it’s going to be so hard, but if you really want to be happy you have to give that to yourself. In my case, I saw a therapist to work on myself, I tried sewing and loved it. I hung out with friends that I hadn’t seen in months. I traveled internationally solo. Do you and it will get easier and easier because you will start to slowly find yourself again. I hope this was helpful! Good luck with everything!

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