Hello All,

I am back and still stuck on this situation. I was going to start a new thread but figured I would come back to this one as it is related. Also I do appreciate all your responses from before.

Basically after this situation occurred, I struggled a few days with deciding to reach back out to him or not. I did eventually decide to do so and he said he missed me and that the situation does bother him. I basically told him I felt he was unclear in how he expressed his emotions towards me and that he seemed unclear in what he wanted with me. He then told me that he has been hurt in past relationship and feels like he would be unreliable in a relationship. He said he would not be a good boyfriend. I responded with why would he say all this time he wanted me to be his be his girlfriend and then all of the sudden when things actually come up you dont want to commit? He said that its not that he doesnt want to be my boyfriend he said he could give me a million reasons why he wants too its just he said why would he let himself get attached like that again. Theres a little more to it but I just said if thats what you want then ok. (This was over texts) He then called me and was talked a little. Not much was resolved based on that convo more catching up and what not. We began texted as normal again and he said he missed me so much and our time together and wants to have a talk! I was happy this is what I wanted! Right? He said we would talk and then go out for the night. So then the time comes around and I said want me to head over? He said not yet my cousin isnt here yet, i said perfect we can talk first like you mentioned. He said oh we will talk through the night! I said well I feel its more appropriate to talk together before we go out because I dont want to be drinking when having this conversation. He said well we havent seen each other in a bit I feel we should go out have some fun, then we can talk. I was pretty upset over this, because I think that i deserved the time to talk! after he said we would. I totally got his point of view but at the same time, why would i wanna go out and have fun to fulfill his needs if he cant fulfill this one conversation he new i really wanted to have! But anyway i went over, i was pretty sad and it was hard to be happy and enjoy myself. I tried to explain we need to talk when i saw him face to face and he kept complimenting me and saying we will talk later but i was just like why cant we just talk now! Like you said we would. So we went out anyway and we tried to talk while we were out but wouldn’t give me his full undivided attention. I was soo friken upset the whole night. I tried to enjoy my time the best i could though. So we get back to his house (we had some drinks, this is of course not the situation i wanted at all.) But i brought things up of course and I felt like i had to make him talk to me and he told me that we are together and he wants to be with me and I brought up my concerns and he told me i overthink so much and its not healthy and i said to him, even if i am doing that ( Which based off what I told you all previously, I didnt feel I was just over thinking, I had true reasons to why i felt the way I felt.) I should be able to express myself to you and have you listen to me without it being such a struggle. anyway that was that. Next day I felt soooo regretful in how the situation played out, I felt so sad and confused even more. I didnt talk to him much that day and he asked me next day why I didnt. I said because i really didnt want to have that conversation drunk. and its upsetting me. He said dam I feel like you just want to point out the bad things in me. I said thats not true, I wanted to have a one conversation with you based off some events. Not because I ever want to make you feel bad at all! We also had plans that day and he said we would follow through and he compeltely ignored me and blew me off on them. And then I didnt answer him when he responsed wayyyyy later at night. Because to me it was such bs! Then a few days later he is like what are not talking anymore?? …. After that I felt so fed up! I was like omg I have given this person every opportunity to talk to me and communicate with me and he avoided or just didnt even try that hard to even do that, while knowing how much it would mean to me. So to make things more final and to come to some resolution of some sort I said along the lines of this: I have given you every opportunity to talk with me and you chose not too. I know in my heart that i deserve my time and feelings to be respected. If this is not a reltionship you want to build then I wish you the best. ( I said more but I cant fully remember details because I erased it all) He responded to that like two days later and said I wish you the best too. THis hurt me so deeply. I was a wreck! I know our relationship wasnt long in time wise but it meant something to me and I felt connected to him in some way and it stuck with me. But i procceeded to try and move forward by deleting him from social media, I deleted his number, blocked him off some social media. Then 3 weeks go by and i get a message on Facebook that he tried to add me back as friends and then he messaged me sayinf “Kylee!!!!” thats it!!!! Which just messes with my head so much. I didnt respond. I didnt add him back or deny I just left i be. He deleted his request from me about a week later probably becuase I didnt respond im assuming. I have been so tempted to reach out to him but Im trying to remain strong in my choice. I really miss him and im so so conflicted within my heart.

Being conflicted in my heart really interferes with other parts of my life, and affects my happiness or feeling of self worth. I try to not let it but ultimately it does. I really struggle here because my mind and others around me who care for me tell me to forget about him and move on but my heart is like well what if you just follow your heart and try. Its such a conflict and i hate it. every day im so sad over this and im so tired of feeling this way. I do things to occupy my time, I am still trying to accomplish all that I need to. I am always busy doing things so its not like I dont have distractions. Its just a deep loving connection is something that means so much to me that its so difficult to let go when i feel I have or am close to that.  I also struggle with my spirituality when it comes to love, because I try to think like well if I want to reach out or if he messages me why cant i respond? Why do i feel like its wrong or that im not allowed or that it is wrong to do so?? I feel like I should just be open with my heart and spread love and what not. But then part of me is like well kylee do u want to get hurt, do you want to try again??? When the person seems to be putting minimal effort. ( I tend to make excuses for other peoples actions becuase i think well maube they have a hard time being open and honest or confrontation or whatever it may be.)

I know that this is A Lot to read and I appreciate anyone who decided too lol. Its just so hard to get all my feelings out or my ideas out typing I suppose. Heart break is so confusing, I feel so tempted to reach back out but I am trying to really hold myself back because I already tried to be as clear as possible before. So what else is there for me to say unless he were to truly intiate a conversation that would be worthy of my energy or time.  I feel so consumed by this and I just dont even know how to let go fully.

Thank you

Kylee

Hi Anita,

He came back again even after this last post i made. I hadnt spoken to him in weeks. But i gave in to it. We talked but something in me still senses his lack of effort or understanding. I told him what I need in order to feel secure in a reltionship and he agreed but its almost like I have to pry out of him his true feelings. I feel like he wont just talk about them with me unless I am asking question after question. He says he wants to be with me but my heart still aches so deeply? I feel like his effort is the bare minimum and i feel guilty for feeling that way because I dont mean to ever make someone appear belittled.

So yes I am still confused? His emotions towards me seem so wishy washy. Its like only at his convenience i feel. He says its not but actions show that it is. I am trying to be patient but idk how much more my heart can take. This feels so consuming of my energy but when I am not with him all i do is think about him and how much i miss him and why this or why that.

I guess I don’t know how I should move forward?

Thank you

Kylee