Boyfriend of 2 years ghosted me

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This topic has 23 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 7 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.

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March 7, 2019 at 12:21 pm #283511

Christine
Participant

My boyfriend and I had a summer romance 13 years ago. We ended it when we both went back to college but 3 years ago he ended up buying a house 1 mile from where i lived! He asked me out, reconnected and have had the most amazing relationship since then. We are both 35, i have a 9 year old daughter – no drama, we both have good jobs etc. At the 2 year mark, he started asking if we could move in with him so we could be together all the time and he wanted to start a family and get married. I would have jumped at the chance, however his house was completely gutted and was not livable. It was ok for a guy but not for 2 more people. I needed a clean/safe place for my daughter (we have a nice house now) in a fabulous neighborhood and he has a few sketchy neighbors that he hates and frankly I’m not sure I want to live next to them. The reason we would move there is because he owns his house outright (no mortgage) so it would allow us to travel/save for retirement etc. That being said, he’s been putting pressure on us to move in and constantly talks about proposing. I’ve been very gently in my approach when I tell him that until the house is done, we can’t move in. I’ve also said I would wait another year or so and that there was no rush. The problem is, he will not hire anyone to fix the house (needs completely new kitchen, bathrooms and appliances, living room etc.) and we both work 50+ hours each week. He is convinced he can do it himself but never actually works on the house. Last week we had a date night planned and he completely freaked out on me and said he needed to cancel and that I’m not willing to help on the house and that he is having a hard time juggling his bosses demands and my demands (i am not demanding- i like my own space and have a ton of other things that occupy my time), I don’t nag him about the house or getting married. I told him I had no clue what he was talking about, and that i would be willing to hell with anything and everything he needed but i didn’t know how to help him (it’s unrealistic of me to go over and do carpentry work when I’m not the one making the decisions), It was out of the blue! I told him it wasn’t ok to cancel and that i had been looking forward to seeing him but if and when he wanted to tell me what he needed, i would help. He then said, “I need zero obligations until the house is done, I hope you understand” I basically just said “ok” and left it at that. Then he said, “unless you want to come over and do carpentry work then we can hang out” I didn’t even know what to say so i didn’t answer. The next day, I sent him a very nice message telling him I’m hear for him and that we could get through it together and work as a team and make it into something positive. He never responded. The next night, I said, ” love you” and he wrote back and said, “I love you too! Thank you for being understanding, I got so much done today” Then, i didn’t hear from him for 8 days. I’m on day 8 and he’s been active on facebook all day/every day which tells me he has not worked on the house. He liked my posts on facebook (just posting about my daugthers horses) and that’s the only thing I’ve heard from him. Nothing so far. I don’t want to text him because from what he said, he doesn’t really want to be bothered by me. Maybe it’s my ego but 8 days of nothing…no text, no calls no nothing. At this point, I’m over being angry- I’m just disappointed that the man i loved could go that long without even speaking to me. Can both people be that stubborn? Or was that a nice way of him ending things with me because he realized he couldn’t take on this responsibility? He’s a great guy, he also says he has severe anxiety and adhd that he doens’t seek help for…not sure how that could play into it. I do not have those issues so sometimes its hard for me to relate to him…..

March 7, 2019 at 12:30 pm #283515

Christine
Participant

PS, he has been very stressed at work. His company promised him a certain amount of money and they are not paying him yet they have been going on lavish vacations and demand a lot from him (he is an executive chef for a high end catering company so he works directly with the owners) He was supposed to have last week off (the week he flipped out), and they needed him to come in the entire week for 12 + hours a few days. I told him he needed to tell them that’s not acceptable. I know I know, probably not “supportive” but i reacted emotionally because i know how wrong it is. The basically cut his pay in half for 2 months because they didn’t have positive cash flow.

March 7, 2019 at 3:15 pm #283541

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Christine:

Suffering from “severe anxiety”, and ADHD which is about anxiety, reads to me that working on the house is something he figures he needs to do, but it makes him anxious: there he is standing there in his home and the amount of work that needs to be done overwhelms him. If he feels relatively calm one day and somehow manages to force himself, that is a one time event. So he works a bit, maybe and he goes to Facebook to relax, or he thinks about doing work there, feels overwhelmed and goes to Facebook, to relax.

His job as an executive chef is stressful and very demanding as well as frustrating but he is able to do it. He is in the habit of doing it so he keeps doing it, keeps going and going, but not the house work- it is almost as if he is unable to do it and maybe he is unable to do it. He may have the skill and the physical strength, but not the calm required; he wants it all done immediately and can’t be patient enough to get it done step by step by step, one step at a time.

I am guessing he has been on an overwhelm break these eight days. I don’t think he planned to ghost you and break up with you this way. Again, it is my guess.

What do you think?

anita

March 7, 2019 at 3:40 pm #283543

Christine
Participant

Hi Anita, You hit the nail on the head- it’s almost scary how you picked up on all of that. He’s been working on the house since the day I reconnected with him (almost 3 years ago) – he will have days (maybe one day a month) that he can actually concentrate to get anything done. Almost always, the jobs are very little yet he is extremely proud of himself ( I am to). I am a very empathetic person (to a fault) so i can pick up on his hesitation or lack of energy to complete tasks so i tend to go with the flow and never pressure him and I always applaud him for the work that he’s done. I never know when to push him or suggest ideas for the house. I never want to push him so much that he’s snapped. Lately, he’s been putting a lot of pressure on me to move in. Saying very nice things such as: “I can’t wait for you to move in so I can see you everyday” and “I can’t wait to start a family” I know it’s all genuine- I’m a well educated person so I know the difference between someone that is using me etc. He is a great person all around. Also, he has a tiny house in his backyard (super cute, rented out in the summer Air BNB because we live in a beach town) – he has been living in that for the last 6 months while he is “working” on the house. I was all for that because it’s a great place for us to hang out/cook dinner and relax in a vacation-type home. He basically has trashed the place due to his lack of cleaning abilities. For example, he made us an awesome superbowl dinner- wings/guac/nachos and as of 21 days later had yet to do the dishes. His family jokes about how gross he was growing up. I have a laundry list of things that would repulse the normal human. Sometimes it’s so messy i have to go over hours before we hang out just to clean. It’s almost as if he is paralyzed and can’t do it. This is beyond the typical man – it’s so bad that when i opened his fridge, i was dry heaving for 5 min. I have strong stomach- i hunt and have seen the insides of many animals and never once felt sick. I think this has something to do with the anxiety/adhd…but again, I have NO experience with this. I am a strong person that has overcome many obstacles without having anxiety. I thought his messy-ness was just a typical guy but the more I see lately, the more I think this is something psychological. Sometimes, he will go days without showering. But to the outside world, most people would consider him the total package. I think I’ve become more pushy/critical because I guess I was just trying a different approach- nothing before was working. I’ve also asked him how he can accomplish so much at work but then do zero at home (i said it in a very nice way) and he basically said that he’s always been like that. I’m torn because i would do anything for him and stick by him through anything- mental illness etc. He also is a heavy drinker and heavy pot smoker, is constantly chewing tobacco and smokes cigarettes. I like to indulge to and we never do it around my daughter but i only drink once or twice a week when we hand out and i know he does it everynight. He told me he can’t sleep without those things. I just don’t know if there is a chance at helping him or if he is pulling away because he knows he simply can’t be the man my daughter and i need….

March 7, 2019 at 4:02 pm #283549

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Christine:

You wrote: “I think this has something to do with the anxiety/adhd”- I think this has a whole lot to do with his anxiety/ADHD, as in (almost) everything.

If he was open to psychiatric drugs, and if he was patient enough to take on the long and maybe process of experimenting with different psych drugs and dosages over a long time, while not taking in any pot or alcohol (or just a bit, I imagine, according to.. doctor’s orders), then maybe a psych drug or combination of drugs can be effective for him and he will be able to do the tasks he can’t do now.

Otherwise, if you do choose to live with him, you will have to clean yourself and probably hire someone to clean and keep the place organized and neat, every day. Plus you will have to deal with the pot and drinking, so that your daughter is not exposed to him (or you) using drugs and getting high or intoxicated. You will have to do the hiring of workers to do what needs to be done in the house and supervise them. You will have to make sure he takes showers, in the summer time, anyway.

Are you willing to do these things?

anita

March 7, 2019 at 5:03 pm #283559

Mark
Participant

Christine,

It seems like you are going “above and beyond” to accommodate your boyfriend with his house and your relationship. That seems unbalanced to me. I suspect sooner or later this will be an issue with your relationship, especially if you decide to move in together and/or get married.

You already have experienced his negative habits and lifestyle, i.e. his “gross” living/messy lifestyle, his heavy drinking, his heavy pot smoking, his heavy tobacco chewing and smoking habits.

Personally, I would not want to expose my child to such an influence.

Romantically, I would seriously look at my own “bottom line” values and behavior boundaries to be involved with such a partner. My own core values include non-addictive lifestyle for that points to bigger and long term personal issues that (I believe) need to be resolved BEFORE having a healthy romantic relationship.

Make sense?

Mark

March 7, 2019 at 5:06 pm #283561

GL
Participant

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd-the-basics/index.s

March 7, 2019 at 5:45 pm #283565

Christine
Participant

Thank you Mark, I’m new to this site so I hope I’m responding in the correct format…

this relationship is unbalanced. If it weren’t for him pushing me to move in and get married, I would have not questioned what he was doing with the house etc. If i didn’t do that, he would have gone on pretending like his life was perfect. A lot of things came to the surface and he freaked out- i suppose it’s for the best. Again, I would have worked with him to better himself etc. but maybe he finally came to the conclusion that he was probably never going to change and needed to “jump ship” before he actually got me involved with his life and then it would be terrible to involve a child. He knows better and is a good human so I think him “ghosting me” is really him saying- I’m not worthy of you and you deserve better. We simply can’t connect on a deeper level if he is in a deep dark place.

March 7, 2019 at 6:10 pm #283573

Mark
Participant

Christine,

It sounds like from your response that you know what kind of person he is.

My approach to relationships is that the other person will not change, and if the are willing to change then I will distance myself and *maybe* come back IF they do change. Otherwise I wish them well and I will continue on to find my better match.

I don’t believe how ardent the other person begs, pleas, promises that they are going to change for US. They have to change for THEMSELVES not me.

Their behavior tells their truth, not their words.

Mark

March 8, 2019 at 1:04 am #283607
JayJay
Participant
I needed a clean/safe place for my daughter (we have a nice house now) in a fabulous neighborhood and he has a few sketchy neighbors that he hates and frankly I’m not sure I want to live next to them. The reason we would move there is because he owns his house outright (no mortgage) so it would allow us to travel/save for retirement etc. That being said, he’s been putting pressure on us to move in and constantly talks about proposing.

Hello Christine,

Just these words you say above are enough of a reason not to go there.

Your house is good for both you and your daughter. It’s not mortgage free, but you work hard to pay your way for yourself and your daughter. It’s clean, it’s safe and a good wider environment for your daughter to grow up in.

It seems your alternative is to live with a man who doesn’t know the first thing about cleanliness, either of himself or his surroundings, and would be a bad influence on a growing child for a number of reasons. You and your daughter are worth more than that, surely?

Your post above is telling me that you feel really unsure about this move. Which doesn’t seem to be happening anyway and probably never will, because your boyfriend is either unable or maybe unwilling to sort out himself or his house.

How would you feel about him selling up his house and moving into your house?

Do you think that, if eventually he got his house and himself into some kind of order that it would last? That everything would be fine and continue to be?

I think him “ghosting me” is really him saying- I’m not worthy of you and you deserve better. We simply can’t connect on a deeper level if he is in a deep dark place.

Whether this is true or not, I feel that 2 years of waiting for him to sort himself out is enough. You know what he is like and, unfortunately, it sounds as though he is incapable of change. Being an Empath, it’s like a second nature for you to want to try and fix things for him. I agree with Mark above on people changing.

Unfortunately, there does have to come a time, when you must give up trying to fix something that can’t be fixed – not by yourself, anyway. Put yourself and your daughter first.

With best wishes,

Jay
- This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by JayJay.
March 8, 2019 at 4:26 am #283627
Valora
Participant
Did you ever talk about him moving into your house until he gets his house finished? or was that not something that would be doable?

Reading down through the thread, I see he’s a heavy drinker, smoker, etc., and that really is a hard thing to deal with. I have an ex that did those things too very heavily at the beginning of the relationship but he had chosen to quit all of them on his own accord a few months in. The fact that he is still doing all of those things heavily 2 years into the relationship suggests that it isn’t likely to change and especially not any time soon, so that’s definitely something to consider, too, especially if he’s going to be living with your child.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Valora.
March 8, 2019 at 4:53 am #283637

Christine
Participant

Couldn’t agree more! Change comes from within- and I like to surround myself with people who want to grow and learn from the past- not be paralyzed by it. I think he has some deep issues from the death of his Mom and then the sudden death of his father. He still blames himself for not being able to save his Dad. He was a very heavy drinker after the Mom died and then turned into a gambling addict. So much so that he was a high roller at the casino in CT and had free rooms every weekend etc. He had a lot of money but my boyfriend was left on the weekends to fend for himself while in HS. I feel bad for him, he’s not strong like I am..

March 8, 2019 at 5:12 am #283645

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Christine:

What do you plan to do about him: do you plan to contact him at any one time, if he continues to not contact you- and if he does contact you what will you tell him?

anita

March 8, 2019 at 6:16 am #283659

Christine
Participant

We have talked numerous times about having him go to the Dr to get an official diagnosis of ADHD & Anxiety – he is totally willing to go and take medication. The problem is, he has no health insurance and is so cheap he wouldn’t pay out of pocket. He is so far removed from what the rest of us pay for. I told him he could get state insurance through the “obamacare” in CT for $250.00 per month and he basically said he would never ever ever pay anything like that for insurance. I told him I work for a corporation and am part of a plan and I STILL pay $220 per month! He’s got a distorted view of reality. I’ve also offered to find him a doctor etc. and I also told him I take his anxiety seriously and would support him if he needed to get on medication. I also encourage him to change his habits so his sleep would improve (better sleep = better mindset), go to the gym with me (i go 4 – 5 times per week) and cut back on drinking and I’ve tried meditating with him etc. but we only see each other 2 -3 times each week so I don’t know what he does/does not do for the rest of the time. Sometimes I think he thinks I’m crazy for being in tune with my mind & body….

March 8, 2019 at 6:56 am #283663

Michelle
Participant

Hey Christine.

Sounds to me like you have a couple of different things going on here. I honestly don’t think he’s ghosting you on purpose as you interpret it but does seem like he is used to such a different way of life, different standards, different ‘normal’ – that what he thinks of as acceptable behaviour, most people wouldn’t think like that, on both a practical/pragmatic and emotional level.

E.g. – it would have been ‘normal’ as part of the practical/financial conversation about what next for your relationship to consider selling his unmortgaged place and moving in with you, since your daughter is already settled there/schools etc. Or selling both & a fresh start somewhere together. Likewise, as someone who’s done up a lot of places/renovations with her her partner, working through a proper plan together of what is needed, what you can realistically do and how long you are willing to take to do it etc etc etc. All practical, sensible,’normal’ conversations to figure out what works best for the both of you to join your lives together as you want to.

And that’s the real problem here I think, isn’t it. He is more like a young child still, no real skills or ability at looking after himself, let alone a family. The up/down energy, the all or nothing approach is very typical of someone who really wants something but doesn’t know, has no experience or knowledge, of how to not be overwhelmed, of how to deal with reality. Truly, you must be a little worried at feeling like you are taking on another child to look after rather than an equal partnership that will add to yours and your daughter’s life? Sometimes the best solution is to step back yourself – trying to offer practical solutions, doctors, treatments, house project plans, will tackle the current resultant problems but not the underlying symptom of ensuring he is capable of taking responsibility for himself first. Absolutely support him in looking to help himself as/when he is ready to really do so – but your instincts are clearly screaming at you to hold from going any further with this guy until he is actually ready to do so. Listen to them…
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