Betrayal, guilt, gossip - I feel broken and lost

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This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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September 6, 2018 at 5:15 am #224473
Inky
Participant
Hi Flove,

You think he hadn’t seen another girl in the short time you were broken up? It’s possible! No Guilt here! None! You were BROKEN! UP! You did nothing wrong! None!

The gossiping: Stay off social media for a while. Also, go to your most gossipy gossip friend and tell her “Everyone’s been gossiping about me and this is what really happened.” Make yourself out to be golden. Make stuff up. Throw in some other, more juicy and tantalizing gossip about something else that makes you look utterly boring. With all your other friends when they mention him, roll your eyes and say “I broke up with him because he was too insecure.” They’ll say, “But! but! but! You did this, this and this, and someone said that” and you calmly say, “So not true.” Then throw in some unrelated more tantalizing story that make you look boring and “A” pathetic in comparison.

When people are in the first year of a relationship, looking at their partner’s stuff reeks of insecurity, and they are ASKING for something to be found. And since it is the very start of the relationship they usually find it! Only old married couples leave everything open. Also, “A” wasn’t perfect himself, was he? He was guilty and so he assumed other people would be as well. Well, he got what he was looking for, so Karma on him.

Don’t look back.

Inky
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Inky.
September 6, 2018 at 11:37 am #224519

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Flove:

Your misdeeds do not excuse his. His wrongdoing, repeatedly looking into your messages, talking negatively about you to an ex and to other people, these are wrong on his part regardless of whether you broke up with him early on and went back to your ex and whether you flirted with your ex or not.

Clearly you are a conscientious person, you care about doing the right thing. One of the right things for you to do is to not be in a relationship with A.

To do right, to be fair and loyal you have to pay attention to what you do, think before you act, choose thoughtfully. One of the things to pay attention to and thoughtfully choose is who you associate with. A is not right for you to associate with. His friends who support his behavior are also not right for you to associate with.

The gossip you mentioned, is that limited to social media or do you live perhaps in a small town where you daily see the people who gossip about you?

anita

September 8, 2018 at 1:35 pm #224723

Flove
Participant

Thank you both for your replies. I really appreciate it.

There has been some progress in the meantime. I was feeling so eaten up by the guilt, it crushed my mental state. I couldn’t focus, couldn’t function. A and I had a fight over something stupid and I completely broke down. I told him what happened.

He was very angry. He said some hurtful things, which I understand. I am relieved that I spoke up because the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Of course A and I are not together anymore and I think this is for the best. I need time to heal from everything that has happened, I do love him very much and I really wanted it to work. I’m heartbroken.. I’d love to call and say that I miss him, that I was always honestly in love but it doesn’t matter anymore. We’re both so hurt. It’s such a painful situation and I’m scared for what’s next. I know A will telling everything about me to anyone that wants to hear. This is very frightening. My city isn’t a village but it’s not that big either. There’s always someone who knows someone (if you know what I mean).

A has blamed me for everything, saying that I’m the reason he looked into my messages, that it was I who drove him crazy. I don’t think this is right..

I want to become a better person. I wish I could something for A. But I think I need to help myself first. I can’t erase my cheating, and the lie I told. I have been honest. But how do I live with this? How will anyone ever trust me again? What do I need to do to become good again?

September 8, 2018 at 8:39 pm #224741

Prash
Participant

Dear Flove,

Everyone makes mistakes. Guilt so long as it helps you in learning is helpful but after it serves that purpose you need to let go of it and focus on the present moment. In the present moment if you do the right things to yourself and to others, then you get back on the right path.

Give yourself time to recover both from the relationship with A and also from the relationship with your ex to whom you kept going back to. It is better to venture in to another relationship only once you are clear about what you want out of the relationship and after closure of all your previous ones. Else you may find the pattern repeating.

When you do things more consciously, more after reflection, the less external gossip is likely to affect you. The more you focus on yourself, the less what others talk about is likely to affect you.

Take care

September 9, 2018 at 6:27 am #224775

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Flove:

Let’s look at what happened: you had a relationship that ended, started dating A, nothing serious, went back to the previous relationship. No wrongdoing yet, on your part. Next, after A invaded your privacy by reading your messages, you matched his wrongdoing by invading his privacy, reading his messages.

You read flirtatious messages that he sent to a girl he used to date. Again, you matched his wrongdoing by flirting in person with the ex boyfriend and sent flirtatious messages to him.

Assuming A didn’t have sex with another woman while in the relationship with you, you outdid him with the following wrongdoing: “I went to a party and me and my ex ended up kissing and having sex”.

Next, A “told all his friends about what had happened”, bringing about gossip and a bad reputation for you. You expect him to continue this wrongdoing on his part, to be “telling everything about me to anyone that wants to hear. This is very frightening… There’s always someone who knows someone”. You didn’t match this wrongdoing on his part. He does not suffer from gossip or a bad reputation.

You asked: “how do I live with this? How will anyone ever trust me again? What do I need to do to become good again?”

My answers: notice the context of your idea of being trustworthy and good- you trust A as authority over trust and being good and you trust those who now gossip about you to be authorities over trust and being good. But your boyfriend does not deserve a superior status in these regards. His behavior was not good nor was it trustworthy. And the people who gossip, you don’t know how they behave, what they choose to do in their personal lives. Are they good and trustworthy? Not those who support A in reading your messages and not those who spread the gossip against you.

Who is the authority over being good and trustworthy then?

It is about you becoming that authority. And then, it is about you rejecting wrongdoings, not only in your behavior, but in others’ behavior. If you are in a relationship with a man like A who does wrong, it will only increase the chances that you will do wrong as well. So choose better. It is not doable to be a good person while being in a close relationship with someone who does bad.

Next, pay attention that you, the authority, approve of your own behavior. Over time you will build your trust in your own self.

Regarding the gossip, remember the thought: who is doing the g0ssiping? Do you respect them for being authority over good and bad?

anita
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