I think it sounds like your friend is being really responsible in giving himself time and space to work through his feelings of his past relationship before getting into another one. If I were you, I would just be patient. The “friend zone” really is a myth. Quite frankly, I know PLENTY of friends who were just friends for years, only to end up in a relationship with each other and some even married happily later on. So the idea that there is some zone that people get stuck in and can’t get back out of isn’t real. Either the feelings are there for someone or they aren’t, and I think that people use this “zone” to make themselves feel better for being rejected.

But I digress…. I don’t really think a rejection is what is happening here. I think it sounds like he does have feelings for you but he knows he also needs to work through some things first, and honestly, that’s smart, and if you allow him to do that before you two get closer or into a relationship, it will allow your relationship to get started on the right foot, which will help to build a strong foundation.  So I say just be his friend, be supportive. Eventually, he will start feeling better and if you keep the emotional connection you two have, it’s likely that you two will come together when the time is right… don’t WAIT around though. That’s important. If you end up meeting someone else you connect with just as much, don’t be afraid to explore that connection either, especially if that guy is ready for a relationship.

Dear Susy:

About two months ago the two of you started an intense inseparable 24/7 online communication that included flirting. After 3-4 weeks of that, he told you that he wanted to travel and meet you in person and he did. You spent “a wonderful weekend together”. Following his visit the 24/7 communication continued for two weeks before he told you that he is missing passion with you, then you didn’t hear from him for 24 hours. After that he told you that he most recently met with his ex, a married woman with whom he had a five year on-off relationship. She initiated sex but he was “physically incapable”, and that “he finally had his closure” in regard to that relationship. Following that revelation, you and him are communicating as friends, being on the “Friend-zone”, unlike the previous flirtatious, inseparable 24/7 communication.

You wrote: “We will meet this weekend, on a friends party.. but I really don’t know how to handle it”-

My thoughts: he is a young  man, I understand, having had an on again, off again relationship with a married woman for five years. Even though he met her recently and was not able to perform sexually, it doesn’t mean that the relationship is off, temporarily or permenantly. It doesn’t mean that the closure he mentioned is a permanent closure.

In other words, he may be back in the relationship with her now or will soon. The nature of the relationship for years has been on and off. It is reasonable to expect that it may be on again.

You wrote: “Our views and values and even lives have so many things in common, it is sometimes even feels creepy”- is the value of engaging in a sexual relationship with a person married to someone else one of those values?

How about valuing emotion/ passion above reason and loyalty and decency: if he believes it is wrong to be sexually involved with a woman married to another man but he believes that once he feels passion for another woman, the deed has to be done because he feels passion- then a committed, mongamous relationship with him is impossible.

anita

Dear Susy:

You are welcome. So  when he met this woman, he was around 24 and she was 36. Now he is about 29 and she is 41. I understand that he wasn’t her secret lover the whole time.

You wrote, “she wanted to try if he is still under her spell”- suggesting she is after power, wanting to continue to have a .. magical power over him, a magical sexual power. Is that your impression, that he has been or is under a spell?

anita

Dear Susy:

What if she is a drama queen and he is an actor, both of them feeding on excitement. Lots of people seek and feed on excitement- some people sky dive, others climb steep rocks… and yet other have affairs with magical married women with spells.

I would say: get to know him better: what motivates him, what is he after. Then see if there is a match between what you are after and what he is after.

anita

Dear Susy:

He is about to turn thirty- for many, thirty is an age when the teenage/ twenty nontraditional time is Out and traditional/ old fashion is In.

If he cares to have a woman in his life who says sorry when she is wrong, instead of blaming him; if he cares to have a calm and collected woman, instead of a drama-queen/frenzied woman, he will be pursuing you soon, wouldn’t he?

anita

I’m sorry to be a wet blanket Suzy, but I am old, and blunt with my words 🙂

It looks to me as though you are trying to enter into some kind of a romantic entaglement with expectations … You are wanting things to happen and expecting results … that is not Love … that is your ego not wanting to be “lonely”.

Such a situation is a recipe for disaster even in the most “loving” of situations.

I have recently broken up with my lover of 3 years .. the relationship started out as something absolutely wonderfun, but reapidly degenerated into “mutual emotional dependency”.. which really boils down to simply using each other to satisfy our ego-feelings of neediness, expectation and attachment. The last 18 months (12 months of the dying “relationship”and 6 months of the break up and acrimony) were a terrible and constantly painful “blunt trauma”of trying and failing to first let go and then cling onto eachother .. and on analysis, it all developed out of the ego-attachment each of us had for the other.

If you truly LOVE this man, then you will have no problem in being there for him and giving him the space he needs to “find himself”. If he does find himself, and you are still around, it will be so much better for both of you, and even if he returns but doesn’t stay, or if you move on later, at least the time you have together will be wonderful, and the lessons you learn will be of benefit in the future.

True love is uncondition. It is one-way and it is only joyful. Anything else is “Lurve”.. the stuff Isaac Hayes sings about.

So step back. If you truly love him, give him the love you feel for him. Do not ask for, nor expect, anything in return. It cannot hurt you to do that. If it does hurt then your spirit is not feeling the love … your ego is inventing it out of its need for attachment, dependency, neediness … This is not the real, divine love we all have inside us.

And if it is any of those things .. save all that energy and give your real love to yourself instead .. because in the end .. you are perfect, just as you are. There is only one you, and she is beautiful. You don’t need anyone else to confirm that for you … The universe knows this, and when it is ready it will adjust its energy streams and float the perfect person into your world …

or not ..

but is that such a bad thing anyway .. “Lurve hurts” after all … In the long run, for an awakened spirit, it is better to be alone and happy than attached and miserable.

Love and Light

Kevin

• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Kevin.