What I did figure out since I posted last is that, yes, I was a bad person when I said to S: “Why don’t you punch me in the face?”

I provoked her to punch me, to bruise my face, break my nose, and I provoked her to get herself into legal trouble, maybe get herself into jail.

So, yes- when I said what I said, at that moment, I was a bad person.

More tomorrow.

Anita

Excellent quote, Thomas. I want to think about this quote, particularly about the last part, “if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?” and write more about it later. Thank you, Thomas!

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Thomas:

Your opinion is valid here. Thank you for caring to offer it to me. I appreciate you 🙏

“The fact that you are considering your position makes you not a bad person.”- yes, now, so far today, I am a good person. But back on Sunday before last, at that moment of confrontation (challenging her to punch me in the face 😢), I was a bad person.

It doesn’t mean that I am permanently bad, just that I was back then, judging by the impact/ results of my words.

I will continue my journey in this thread later on.

🤍🌿 Anita

Thank you for your input, Alessa. I’ll get back to you later. ❤️

Dear Aleesa: You are making a valid point- yes, I did feel that was what she wanted to do (to punch me in the face). I sincerely believe that she chose me as a convenient target for her anger. She was angry, frustrated, wanting to quit for some time before Sunday before last- and there I was, accommodating, eager to please her.. so, she.. used me, really to make her exit.

Dear Peter: “one moment doesn’t define who you are.”- thank you, and yes, this is my point: during that one moment, I was a bad person (challenging her for a fight, and in front of customers). Understanding this was true to that moment frees me from the binary, all or nothing thinking that I’m always bad. Just on that one moment or two..

I have felt calm ever since I labeled myself bad in that moment or two, setting myself free from labelling myself Bad Always, as a permanent state of being. I hope you understand me.

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Tee:

“I like your honesty about your thoughts process while writing your previous post to me… It’s good that you notice those thoughts and feelings and can speak openly about them. And I can assure you I won’t shame you, Anita. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in you openly sharing how you’re feeling and what your fears might still be regarding our communication. I appreciate your honesty 🫶”-

Thank you 🙏 🙏 🙏 🫶 🫶 🫶 🙏 🙏 🙏 !!!

“Probably your hypervigilance stems from your mother, who you say would attack you for just about anything you said (or didn’t say), even for your facial expressions… So you weren’t allowed to express yourself, to simply be, be a child, expressing yourself, laughing, crying, playing, talking to your mother.. None of that was allowed”-

I lived in a prison, life put on hold for a later time when it’d be allowed. There were times though, I remember, I was an older teenager or in my early 20s, still living with her, that I exploded with laughter, genuine laughter, a long-awaiting joy.. never when with her alone. Moments of feeling positively alive. A breath of fresh air.

“because of your mother’s severe mental health problems, it seems.”- yes, my analysis (and I am feeling confident about it), she suffered from- and inflicted suffering- from this combo of personality disorders: Narcissistic, Histrionic, Paranoid, Borderline and Obsessive- Compulsive.

“You were exposed to both physical and psychological abuse, and you had no one to help you, since your father left when you were six, while people from the neighborhood didn’t react (it wasn’t socially acceptable to “poke one’s nose” in other people’s child rearing). You had a good uncle (you said he asked you once something about yourself – he was interesting in getting to know you), but I guess he didn’t know about the extent of the abuse that you were suffering?”-

Thank you for remembering all of this. The uncle, Uncle Morris, he lived hours away, so he couldn’t have heard her yelling at me, or beating me, and he was in no contact with the neighbors who did. With him, M was soft-spoken, nice.. But I clearly remember her sitting to his right when he asked me a question about me, looking at me threateningly, with that mild smile on her face. That’s why I didn’t answer him. I said something polite, but didn’t answer.

“I’m very sorry, Anita, for you truly where all alone in those horrible circumstances, left to your own devices to manage the best you can. To survive, basically.”- thank you, Tee.

“And you did survive, but or course, the trauma remained and it’s still affecting you to some extent. (Just to say that my C-PTSD is still present too. I still have parts of my life where I’m lead by fear and am having a hard time making a breakthrough. So it can be a decades-long process, unfortunately.)”-

Thank you for sharing about parallels or similarities in your life, your process. It makes me feel like I am not alone.

“So the question is how to heal. And of course, my answer is always: healing the inner child..”- this made me smile just now. Of course.. Tee and Inner Child healing go together like peas and carrots 🙂

(I just got scared that you’d be offended by this culinary saying.. it’s a saying I like to use).

“You’ve shared parts of your internal dialogue in your own thread (“A Personal Reckoning”), where you did the inner child exercise. You’ve shared what your inner child said, and also what some other parts said, including your adult self. I might have some remarks about that, but I’m not sure if I should comment on it, since you said you want only witnessing, not advice or analysis? So I’m refraining from that, unless you’re comfortable with me giving you feedback. I’ll respect that.”-

Thank you!

I trust you enough to invite you to talk to my inner child directly. I have never invited anyone to do that. I know you will be gentle with her (there are tears in my eyes as I am typing this). She can’t handle criticism.. she shouldn’t (that’s my job, the adult me, to hold myself accountable. Not her job).

No one outside of me ever spoke to her, or had a conversation with her. Please do talk to her.

“It’s okay, Anita. I’m happy that you could step back from your own pain and see a bigger picture. I’m happy you’re open to self-reflection and personal reckoning, as you said. I think you’re doing a great job in being brave and open with all of your feelings. I think it means you’re developing compassion for yourself, which is the key in healing. It’s really good to talk to you and share in your healing process ❤️”-

Thank you for your grace, nothing that I (the adult) deserved, but something you offered anyway. This is the nobility of your character ❤️.

I will soon be away from the computer for the rest od the day.. It’s strange how I can start a day outside when I am so drained from this.. vulnerability. It’s still scary: to be me.. and not be attacked for it? A scary miracle.

Gratefully yours, Anita

Dear Tee:

Grateful for your message 🙏 🙏 🙏

“Good to hear that, Anita! It means she didn’t manage to kill all the joy in you. There was still life in you, and it would bubble up sometimes, when you were alone, when she couldn’t see you or hear you. And perhaps that life was what motivated you to move across the world from your mother and seek happiness there? In a new, far-away place where her abuse cannot reach you?”-

Yes, it did. Problem was I kept going back to her, flying across the world to see her and be with her which killed my joy every time. So, going back to the U.S., eventually, was not joyful anymore.

Every visit with her was retraumatized me, and every return to the U.S. took longer and longer to recover from time until there was no recovery (many years of depression). My healing process started in 2011. Shortly after I started therapy back then I ended contact with her, no more visits.

“Yes, that’s tough. What’s hard about it that she seemed to have been functional otherwise, i.e. she didn’t seem like someone with mental health issues on the outside, right? I mean, she could pretend in front of other people that she is a kind, caring person, and a kind, caring mother, right? (except for what the neighbors heard sometimes…). You said she was “soft-spoken, nice” with your uncle, for example.”-

Yes, except that the neighbors heard and she exploded at other people too, not as often but still. One time she made such a scene in my elementary school, screaming at and threatening to hit a teacher.. in front of everyone. Everyone saw and heard. But no follow up.. I just followed the crazy woman back home.

So, the soft spoken, kind, wonderfully good person act was the norm but her BPD explosions were there, VERY explosive.

“And that’s I guess the narcissistic part: where the person can pretend to be certain way, which is socially acceptable. Where they can keep a certain public image, which is totally different than how they are in private.”- Yes.

“So it was only you (and I guess your sister) who knew how your mother actually is. I know you’ve talked about your sister before, but I don’t remember if your mother treated you two differently? Was she equally harsh and abusive to your sister too?”- she hit her too, she shamed her too, but I remember so little of my sister at home. Unlike me, she was very social and was out and about with peers and their families. I was in the “home” (prison cell, really).

“Right. You knew you weren’t allowed to say anything that would be ‘unacceptable’ to her, which probably meant anything genuine about yourself. She had a mild expression on her face, but you knew how she is underneath… and so of course, you didn’t dare to be honest with your uncle.”- yes.

* I have to get ready and leave so I would like to read the rest of your message and continue this response later ❤️

Anita