Tag: wisdom
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How I Stopped Feeling Like an Outsider by Being Honest with Myself
âBe who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind donât matter, and those who matter donât mind.â ~Bernard M. Baruch
As a young boy, maybe in fourth or fifth grade, I came to the realization that I was an outsider.
I didnât like playing video games after school, I played basketball while the other boys played soccer, and most of all, I didnât like the unpleasant and sometimes bullying tone that had formed amongst my good friends.
One good friend in particularâletâs call him TheoâI considered to be my best friend.
For years, we celebrated birthdays, played together, laughed together, and held each otherâs hands walking from school to the after-school club. I was proud to say that he was my best friend, and I was his, but lately I had sensed a change in Theoâs behavior towards me.
One day, walking the usual half-a-mile-long walk to the afterschool club, our other friend Sebastian tagged along. Sebastian and Theo lived in the same neighborhood, their parents knew each other well, and they even played on the same soccer team.
Trudging down the narrow sidewalk, I let the two of them walk side by side in front of me as they laughed and pushed each other jokingly as young boys that age do, and suddenly I was hit by a wave of sadness. It felt like they had completely forgotten about my presence.
I felt invisible.
I decided to gradually sag behind to see if they would notice that I was no longer walking behind them.
My assumption had been confirmed. I was invisible, and to make matters worse, I realized in that moment that my best friend was no longer my best friend.
I detached from the usual route and walked to a small treehouse near the after-school club that we built earlier in the year. The tree house was unoccupied because of a fine rain that quietly fell from the gray clouds that day.
I threw my bag on the ground and climbed the tree effortlessly. Here, I sat on a branch in silence, watching innocent tears trickle down my cheeks and splash onto the ground. I felt overwhelmed with the realization that I was somehow different.
Something inside me, very close to the core of who I am, was no longer accepted or appreciated by my closest friends. But why? I was always kind and caring. Patient and tolerant. Compassionate. And now I was lonelyâan outsider; an old soul caught in a crowd of young boys.
So⊠what do children do when they realize they donât fit in? They adapt. They become whoever they need to become to âsurvive.â
This is a simple defense mechanism that all human beings possess that is deeply rooted in the subconscious mind to protect themselves from additional hurt.
As a teenager, I recall the daily challenge of fitting in. I altered the way I talked, the clothes I wore, and my opinions and personal values. Depending on who I was talking to, I would change my words to meet their expectations and kept my true self in hiding from myself and the world around me.
A big part of me feared that if I showed my true, gentle nature, I would be called a wimp, get bullied, or ostracized; it was a profound fear that pushed me to blend in anywhere as best as I couldâeven if it meant I had to lie, be rude, or a little violent.
I got so used to putting on different masks that they became my identity, and my true, loving self was concealed behind a hurt child.
What is interesting is that all of this took place on a subconscious level. I wasnât overtly telling myself to alter my actions just to fit in. In fact, I didnât even realize that this was happening until years later.
It wasnât until a few months ago that I, like a flash from the past, remembered this image of a young boy sitting in a tree, and I have been thinking about its significance ever since.
That boy went through something that all people go through sooner or laterâŠ
Itâs called heartbreak.
Heartbreak is an inevitable part of the human experience. It might just be the most important part because heartbreak teaches us how to deal with pain.
Pain is natural, but pain that we hold on to becomes suffering, and suffering is a choice because we always have the ability to work through the pain.
As adults, we hold the power and responsibility to examine the pain we experienced as children. We are presented with a choice: To work through the pain or hide behind it? To suppress our internalized fears or express them?
To heal and reconnect with our true selves againâour âinner childââwe must look inward and courageously face the pain of the past, however uncomfortable this may be.
Why?
Because we cannot heal if we do not admit that we are bleeding.
For me, things changed when I made one transformational decision: I started being brutally honest with myself.
Suddenly, I started noticing when I altered my behavior simply to meet the expectations of others. I noticed when I twisted a truth to make myself look better. I noticed my overarching fear of exclusion. And then I finally accepted the uncomfortable truth that I was so afraid of what others thought of me, always people-pleasing and seeking acceptance.
When I didnât find that acceptance, fear would set in, and enter: defense mechanism.
The best thing you can do when you feel fear is to question it. Analyze it, and ask: âWhy does this harmless thing trigger me so deeply?â
I also noticed how draining not being my true self was. I would leave conversations energetically drained or avoid certain people because I knew I would have to âput on a show.â Acting is tiring, and I was tired of being tired.
I got the idea to make a list of all the things that I do during a full day, and I crossed off the things that I knew wasnât in alignment with the person I wanted to become. I also asked myself which activities bring me peace, passion, and positive energy.
Journaling, meditation, and yoga became a part of my daily routine, and so did practices like honesty, integrity, and compassion. I found myself in the depths of a spiritual awakening, and the finding of my true self was resurfacing. It felt empowering and inspiring!
On my growth journey, I discovered many new things about myself that I had never acknowledged before. I learned about my love for music, books, reading, and writing, and my growing passion for sharing my knowledge with the world around me to make a differenceâeven if itâs just a small one.
And finally, I reached the paradoxical truth: The moment I stopped trying to fit in was the moment I stopped feeling like an outsider.
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Stop Catastrophizing: How to Retrain Your Brain to Stress and Worry Less
âDonât believe everything you think.â ~Unknown
A couple of years ago, I entered a depressive state as I sat through many long, eventless days while on partial disability due to a bilateral hand injury. I was working one to two hours a day max in my job, per doctorâs orders. The medical experts couldnât say if or when I would feel better.
As I sat in pain on my sofa, day after day, running out of new TV series to occupy my time, I couldnât help but catastrophize my future.
Whatâll happen if I canât use the computer again? My whole career is based on computer work.Â
Will I ever be able to cook, clean, and drive like normal without pain?
Do I have to give up my pole dancing hobbyâa form of self-expression that I love so dearly?
Shortly before my injury, I was preparing to change careers, and I was particularly excited about it. But workerâs compensation required me to stay put in my current job because I relied upon them to cover my medical expenses. I felt stuck, and I didnât know how to get out.
If youâre familiar with the slippery slope of catastrophizing, then youâre no stranger to how quickly you can get swept up in a thought that takes you down a dark tunnel. When you fixate on a problem and the worst possible outcome, it can feel viscerally real in your mind and body.
Thereâs no mystery as to why any of us catastrophize. Perhaps you do it more than other people, but the truth is that our brains and nervous systems are evolved to keep us safe through protective measures, such as assuming the worst in order to prepare for it or to avoid taking risks altogether.
If your brain judges a certain situation as potentially dangerous to your physical or social survival, it will not hesitate to activate the stress response in your amygdala, pumping the stress hormone cortisol throughout your body.
Everyoneâs brain also has a negativity bias, so it likes to err on the side of cautionâin other words, you often experience more anxiety over a problem than is necessary or even helpful.
When I was on disability, my nervous system downregulated my body into a depressive state, where I assumed nothing good was possible and I didnât have to feel disappointed if the worst came trueâwhich it never did.
When youâre immersed in an anxiety episode, you have less access to the conscious, wise part of your brain that can solve problems. The biochemicals produced in your body generate more similar thoughts and feelings, which makes it easy to spiral into an even worse state of anxiety or depression. Your stories about yourself and the world become increasingly negative. Itâs like the stress response is hijacking your brain and nervous system.
Understanding how your brain functions when youâre engulfed in a catastrophizing episode is important for a couple of reasons.
First of all, your body is doing what it knows to do bestâmobilizing you to stay safe. The stress hormone helped us escape wild animals in our evolutionary past, but weâre not facing life-or-death situations anymore. The problem is that our brains havenât updated to modern times.
Once you know that your body is just trying to spin a doomsday story to protect you, then you can drop any beliefs you have about yourselfâlike âThere must be something wrong with me for picturing such horrible possibilities!â Because there is nothing wrong with you.
Secondly, the key to returning to reality and stopping the habit lies in your ability to reverse the stress response and regain control of your thinking brain, where you have clarity. Regulating your emotions and nervous system will biochemically allow you to change your stories and beliefs about yourself and the future. When youâre regulated, the narrative shifts into hope, possibility, and inspiration.
How to Change Your Stories
There is no shortage of somatic and mindfulness practices that regulate the nervous system, allowing you to reduce stress hormones and climb out of the non-existent future catastrophe.
The first step is deciding you want to change.
You have control over how you want to feel and what you want to do differently. If youâre ready to let go of catastrophizing your future, then the next step is to start noticing when youâre going down that old habit road. Catch yourself in the moment and try the following techniques to shift out of the problematic state so you can put an end to those unhelpful thoughts.
Shift into Peripheral Vision
If your inner dialogue is running rampant and you know itâs not serving you, peripheral vision is a great way to silence those thoughts immediately. Find a focal point in your room or the space around you. Without moving your eyes, soften your gaze like youâre diffusing your focus. Expand your awareness to all the space around that focal point. Continue to slowly expand out, as if you can almost see behind yourself. Try this for about twenty seconds. Shift back into focus and repeat at least once more.
Palpating + Self-Touch
Bring your palms together and start rubbing them one against another, creating some warmth and friction. Bring your full attention to your hands, noticing what youâre feeling in between your fingers and palms. Play with speed and pressure. Notice the temperature of your own hands. Maybe you even want to stretch the fingers back and forth.
Do this for about thirty seconds, and then bring both hands to opposite shoulders, like youâre giving yourself a hug. Let both hands trace down your arms to the elbows in a sweeping motion. Then bring them back to the shoulders and back down again. Repeat for as long as it feels good.
Build a Case for Possibilities
As you build a practice of resourcing your body, get curious about what youâre moving through and moving toward. As you find moments of hope and possibility, write down what youâre excited about, looking forward to, and ready to change. Provide the written evidence to yourself that you know how to feel differently about your future. Remember this feeling, because you have control over finding your way back to it.
Remember That Things Can Always Turn Around
Recognize that your brain thinks anxiety will help you prepare for the worst, but that too much anxiety limits you. And remember that itâs possible things will turn out far better than you imagine.
Challenge your own thoughts, and teach your mind how to imagine best-case scenarios instead of tragedies. Whatâs everything that could go right? This isnât about hinging your happiness upon a narrowly defined marker of success, because no one knows how the future will unfold. Rather, consider that the future might pleasantly surprise you, so you can have a frame of mind thatâll make it easier to keep moving forward, pivot when needed, and develop resilience for the uncertainty of life.
Your Brain is Paying Attention
The incredible truth about interventional self-regulatory practices is that your brain is paying attention. In other words, itâs noticing that youâre cutting short an old habit and taking a turn down a new path. With repetition, this rewires the brain.
Your brain is always learning, always picking up how youâre feeling and responding to the same old triggers and stressors. Thanks to neuroplasticity, your brain and nervous system are changing. Be tenacious about stopping the self-limiting patterns, and your body will have no other choice than to update.
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30 Reminders for Sensitive People Who Feel Drained, Ashamed, or Judged
“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate.”~Anthon St. Maarten
There are some words that get painfully etched into our memories as if with a red-hot poker. For me, growing up, those words were âyouâre too sensitive.â
I often caught this phrase in the fumbling hands of my shame after someone chucked it at me with callousness and superiority as a means to justify their cruelty.
They may have said something vicious or condescending in private, or told embarrassing stories or outright lies about me in public.
Either way, the results were the same: Iâd take it personally, get emotionally overwhelmed, then either explode in anger or sob.
But it wasnât just cruelty that evoked my sensitivity, and I didnât cry only when obviously provoked.
Well-meaning people, who generally treated me with kindness, would gently remind me Iâm too sensitive when I overanalyzed the smallest things other people didâlike taking a while to call me back or âmaking a faceâ after I said something I thought sounded stupid.
Or they might pull out this sage observation of my character when I took criticism to heart, struggled to let go of something painful, or experienced someone elseâs pain deeply and intensely, as if it were my own.
It was as if the whole world could see that there was something glaringly wrong with me. But I couldnât seem to change the way I perceived, experienced, and reacted to life.
Little did they know how deep this sensitivity ran, far below the surface.
They had no idea that my mind was a web of constant reflection, pertaining to not only my own experiences, but also the suffering of everyone around me.
They had no idea how frequently I felt drained and over-stimulated, and that just showing up to a crowded or loud environment took monumental strength (which I had to muster often growing up in a big Italian family).
They had no idea how often I felt stressed, anxious, and jumpy because my nervous system was so dialed up.
And I had no idea there was a biological explanation for all of this. It wasnât until years laterâdecades, actuallyâthat I found the term âhighly sensitive personâ and finally understood that my brain actually processes information and reflects on it more deeply than non-HSP brains.
Over the years, Iâve learned to accept that some of my traits and behaviors are just part of being a highly sensitive person.
Iâve learned that HSPs:
- Are highly perceptive and empathetic
- Feel everything deeply
- Absorb other peopleâs emotions and can tell when somethingâs wrong
- Pick up on subtleties other people might miss
- Have heightened intuition
- Easily feel drained or overwhelmed in loud, chaotic, or otherwise over-stimulating environments
Iâve also learned that some of my former behaviors were responses to my sensitivity, for example:
- Overanalyzing things other people said or did
- Internalizing judgments as truth
- Judging myself for my needs instead of honoring them
- Drinking to numb myself in over-stimulating environments instead of simply avoiding them or making efforts to ground myself
- Ignoring my intuition about people or situations that werenât good for me
- Taking on everyone elseâs pain instead of setting boundaries
Though I am by no means an expert on navigating life as a highly sensitive person, I know Iâve come a long way over the years. I still experience the world and my emotions intensely. But I feel less like a rag doll in a roaring tornado and more like a deeply rooted tree that may lose some of its leaves but can ultimately endure one hell of a storm.
Iâve learned to take good care of myself, honor my needs, and worry less about what other people think of me. And I generally donât judge myself as harshly as I once did.
It helps that I not only have a toolbox for self-careâincluding meditation, walks in nature, and long bathsâbut also an arsenal of lessons to remember whenever my sensitivity gets the better of me.
If you can relate to any of what Iâve shared, and if you frequently feel drained, ashamed, or judged, perhaps these reminders may be helpful to you, now or some time in the future.
When You Feel Drained
1. You are only responsible for your own emotions. You canât take away everyone elseâs pain, and if you could, youâd be robbing them of the chance to grow.
2. You donât need to fix anyone elseâs problems. Just listening is enoughâbut you can only listen for so long before it gets to be too much.
3. You donât need to put yourself in environments that over-stimulate you, and choosing to do something different doesnât make you weird or any less fun.
4. Itâs not worth forcing yourself to do something if you know you wonât enjoy it and youâll end up feeling drained.
5. You can choose to listen to your instincts instead of your anxiety. If you feel you need to leave but youâre worried about how youâll be perceived, focus on the voice that knows whatâs best for you.
6. Other people and external situations can only drain you if you let them. You have the ability and right to set boundaries at any time.
7. Itâs not selfish to take care of yourself. As the saying goes, you canât pour from an empty cup.
8. Sleep isnât a luxury; you need to get sufficient rest to handle the many parts of life that are emotionally exhausting.
9. The most important question you can ask yourself, at any time, but particularly when you feel overwhelmed, is âWhat do I need right now?â
10. It doesnât have to be all-or-nothing. Even five minutes of a calming practice, like deep breathing or yoga, can make a huge difference.
When You Feel Ashamed
11. You canât control or change that you have a highly sensitive nervous system, and you canât help that you process everything deeply and experience emotions intensely. You wouldnât feel ashamed of your hair or eye color, so why feel ashamed of something else you were born with?
12. Sensitivity isnât a weakness; itâs the source of your understanding, compassion, depth, and creativityâwhich means itâs actually a strength.
13. There is nothing âwrongâ with you, and youâre worthy of love and respect just as you are.
14. You are not alone. According to psychologist Elaine Aron, who wrote the book on HSPs, highly sensitive people make up fifteen to twenty percent of the population.
15. If someone else shamed you for your sensitivity, or for coping with it ineffectively because you didnât know any better, you didnât deserve it.
16. Your shame comes from the story youâre telling yourself about yourselfâand you can change that story to be more compassionate at any time.
17. You donât have to âfixâ your emotional intensity. You simply need to observe your emotions so youâre less likely to get caught up in them.
18. You are not what you do. If you act in a way you regret when youâre feeling emotionally overwhelmed or over-stimulated, you can simply apologize, forgive yourself, learn from the experience, and move on.
19. Crying isnât something to be ashamed of. It actually helps release stress and pent up emotions, and itâs a sign of immense courage if you let yourself cry instead of resisting vulnerability.
20. If you sit with your shame instead of trying to numb it, it will eventually move through you. No emotion lasts forever.
When You Feel Judged
21. For every person who might judge you, thereâs someone else whoâd love, value, and accept you just as you are.
22. You donât need everyone to understand or like you; you just need to understand and have compassion for yourself.
23. What other people think of you is their business, and their opinions and judgments can only hurt you if you let them.
24. Just because someone else says youâre âtoo sensitive,â that doesnât mean youâre doing anything wrong or you need to change.
25. If other people donât value you, theyâre missing out on the chance for a deep, meaningful relationship with someone whoâd always be there and would never hurt or judge them.
26. If someone judges you, itâs a reflection of where they are in their life and development, not who you are as a person.
27. Just because someone minimizes your feelings, that doesnât mean your feelings arenât valid.
28. You have the right to end a conversation at any time if someone dismisses your feelings or violates your boundaries.
29. Itâs okay to walk away from a relationship if someone consistently devalues, disrespects, or hurts you.
30. Just because you think someone is judging you, that doesnât mean they are. Their silence, distance, or mood may have nothing to do with you.
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Of course, itâs far easier to jot down a list of lessons than it is to remember the most useful one in the moment when it can be most helpful. Iâve struggled to recall these insights many times, both in the distant and recent past. But itâs not about perfection; itâs about awareness and practice, as is everything in life.
Read this, print it, put it somewhere youâll see it often, and perhaps you can etch these ideas into your memory, as deeply but not as painfully as the criticisms youâve likely heard over the years.
And if you only take one idea into your day, let it be this:
We are not defective. We donât need to get harder or grow a thicker skin. We donât have to âman upâ or âsuck it upâ or stop caring so deeply.
The world doesnât need more guarded people, weaponized by apathy and bitterness. The world needs more people who arenât afraid to reflect, to feel, and to love with hearts so open they overflow with empathy and kindness.
The world needs us sensitive souls to see beauty others might not see and create beauty where it might never exist if we hadnât filtered life through the kaleidoscope of our own unique perspective.
But we can only give the best of ourselves if we take good care of ourselves, even if other people have different needs; if we value ourselves, whether others do or not; and we remember that judgment is inevitable, but it doesnât have to control or define us.
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5 Ways to Heal from a Highly Critical, Controlling Parent
âYouâve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasnât worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.â ~Louise Hay
When I was growing up, it felt like nothing was good enough for my dad. And all I longed for was his acceptance and love.
He had this temper that would blow up, and heâd blame me for how he felt. He would outright tell me his behavior was my fault. That if Iâd behaved better, he wouldnât have had an outburst.
When he told me I wasn’t enough or worthy, I believed him. I was constantly walking on eggshells around him, trying to not annoy him, as his angry words would really hurt.
The confusing thing about my dad was that he wasn’t like this all the time. Sometimes he was loving, affectionate, and warm, and then in a moment he would switch to cold, controlling, and cruel.
As a child, I believed to my core that I was the problem. The only way I thought I could keep myself safe was to try and please him and be the perfect daughter.
I became obsessed with achievement. It started first with my grades and school, and then it was getting the job he wanted me to have. Because sometimes an achievement would get me a crumb of love from him. I would push myself as a child, forsaking rest and hydration at times, so he would see how hard Iâd worked.
But it was never enough for him. He would lose his temper on the one day that I was taking a break, telling me that I would never amount to anything.
He would even tell other people how awful his family was when he was drunk. It was beyond humiliating.
Now, at forty-one, these memories with my dad are in the past, but they still haunt me. He has since passedâhe took his life fifteen years ago. Turns out my dad wasnât okay and was struggling with the impact of his own childhood trauma.
But rather than seeking help, he took it out on his family and himself through addiction and, ultimately, his suicide.
His controlling, critical voice still lives in my subconscious mind. Itâs his voice that tells me to work harder or that I am not good enough, or questions, âWho do you think you are?â
Even though I consciously know now, as a trauma transformation coach, that his behavior was due to his pain and his words were not the truth, the younger parts of me still believe him. Because those younger parts still feel blamed, shamed, and not enough.
After his passing, I found myself in relationships where others would criticize, control, and deny my reality, and found myself powerless again, just as Iâd felt as a little girl.
But by investing in various safe spaces, like support groups, therapy, and coaching, I have been able to step away from these relationships or maintain boundaries so that my younger self is no longer triggered by the pain of the past. This has created space for kinder, more loving relationships to come in.
However, more recently I noticed that even though Iâd stepped away from toxic relationships, I had become him to myself. I would speak to myself critically and put myself down. Nothing was good enough, and I would push myself to achieve at any cost, going through cycles of overworking and burnout.
I would push myself to have the ‘perfect body’ with extreme exercise and diet. But then my inner rebel would push back and sabotage the diet and my health through emotional eating.
Constantly pushing myself to be better, I realized, unconsciously, I was still chasing his love. His acceptance even though he wasn’t here.
I had become the controlling critical parent to myself. It was time for me to become the parent Iâd longed for and not the parent Iâd had.
Here are the five practices that are helping me to heal from my controlling, critical parentâpractices that could help you too.
1. I ask myself: Am I being kind to myself?
I have created a pattern interrupter by asking myself, at least three times a day, if I am being kind to myself and, if not, how I can be. I notice my behaviors and inner dialogue and explore how I can shift into kindness.
For example, if I don’t sleep well, is it kind to push myself with a cardio workout and long day of work, or would it be better to go for a walk in nature and take a slower pace?
Or, if I am speaking to myself without self-compassion, is there a more loving way to communicate with myself rather than being nasty?
Each day I make a conscious choice to step into that kind energy. I treat myself how I wish he had treated me.
2. I celebrate myself weekly.
Each Sunday, I reflect on what I am proud of and celebrate myself, even if Iâve done something small, like being consistently kind to myself. I become the cheerleading parent I longed for, and this builds self-esteem.
3. I use affirmations.
I affirm throughout the day that I am safe and enough. That I don’t have to prove my worth or people-please. I can just be me. This helps soothe the critical voice that goes into past fear stories.
I use affirmations to say I love and care for myself. That I am my biggest priority.
4. I listen to my body and choose to take care of it.
Instead of pushing myself physically, I ask myself: How should I nourish myself? Or how should I move my body? What shouldnât I put into it out of love? I check in with myself if I need rest or if a certain relationship or situation is causing me physical and mental stress. I speak kindly about my body rather than shaming it for not being enough.
5. I reparent the parts of me that are in pain from the past.
My dad will always be part of my story. I canât change the past, but I can take care of the different parts of me that were hurt. I can show those parts kindness and love through reparenting and inner-child work.
My favorite practice is going back in time to visit my younger self. I give her a hug, ask her how she feels, and then do whatever I can to fulfill her needs. I soothe the hurting parts of her rather than getting her to perform and achieve.
Some days my old behaviors come out, but I use the question âAm I being kind to myself?â to get myself back on track. I also practice self-compassion and forgiveness, as I would never say the things I have said to myself to others.
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If you can relate to what I wrote because you had a similar parent, step into being the parent you wished for yourself. Because a happy, loved, affirmed child is better able to live a happy, healthy life than a bullied child that hates herself. Give yourself the gift of love and kindness and watch your story transform.
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How to Live a âGood Lifeâ (Almost Every Single Day)
âIf your vision of your life centers on your highest values, you will be aligned with your dharma far above everyday existence. Whatever the values areâlove, creativity, service, spiritual growth, beauty, or whatever you chooseâdedicating yourself to the highest values unites purpose and inner growth as nothing else can.â ~Deepak Chopra
I wasted almost a decade of my life. Donât make the same mistake as me.
On my fortieth birthday, I found myself lying in bed, fully awake at 5 a.m., with a tightness in my throat.
âA new decade,â I thought, without much excitement.
Staring at the ceiling, I tried to remember what I had accomplished in the past ten years. As I searched in vain for any memorable moments to celebrate, panic began to fill my chest. âI wasted my thirties,â I thought. âOne-eighth of a lifetime.â
Have you ever felt that way, as if life has passed you by? That youâve wasted some precious years that youâll never be able to get back?
Perhaps you got caught in the hamster wheel, being so busy with work and daily chores that you didnât realize how quickly time was flying by. Maybe youâve thought of traveling, writing a book, or learning to play the guitar but continually postponed your projects for a âsomedayâ that has never arrived.
It doesnât feel good.
That morning, I realized I had made a mistake. I spent most of my thirties pursuing a single goal: building my business. It became an obsession that consumed all my time and energy to the point that I forgot to nurture my relationships, travel, or do anything else exciting.
At forty, I had very few friends and no hobbies, and I couldnât help but feel sorry for myself.
Later on, I discovered that this could have been prevented by doing one thing differently: by adopting a simple habit that ensures we live a good life almost every single day and avoid future regrets.
Thatâs what I want to share with you.
How Can We Live a Good Life Every Day?
A few months after my fortieth birthday, I listened to a podcast with Hal Elrod, the creator of The Miracle Morning, in which he shared his perspective on how to live our best lives every day.
His realization came on a specific day after spending time with his daughter, working a bit on his business (his lifeâs work), connecting with his wife, exercising, and eating healthy meals. As he wound down after dinner, he thought to himself, âToday was the best day of my life.â
He then wondered why he had just had this thought since nothing truly special had happened that dayâhis child wasnât born, he hadnât gotten married, and he hadnât booked any elite clients. So what was it that made the day so great?
The day had been filled with all the most important things to him, his top values: his family, his relationship with his wife, living a healthy lifestyle, and inspiring people (his lifeâs work). He realized that living a good life, a regret-free life, comes down to living in alignment with our top values every day.
It hit me. This was my solution to avoid wasting another decade: value-centered living.
Hereâs how we can implement this into our daily lives.
Step 1: Identify your top five values.
Your top values are what you consider most important and meaningful in your life. They come from your personal beliefs about what it means to live a good life.
Below are a few questions to help you identify your top values:
- What do you need in your life to feel fulfilled? Or, whatâs missing in your life that you need to feel fulfilled?
- How do you like to spend your time, and what would you like to have more time for?
- What do you enjoy spending money on?
- If your life ended right now, what would you regret not having done, accomplished, experienced, and become? And if you had one year to live, how would you spend your time? What would you focus on?
- What would make you say you have lived a good life when you are 100 years old?
I recommend identifying your top five values because if we center our life on just one main value, we risk feeling dissatisfied and even having regrets in the future because we wonât have nurtured the other things that are important to us.
Thatâs what happened to me when I just focused on building my business (which is my value of doing meaningful work) and neglected the other areas of my life.
Another example is a friend of mine who has two kids and highly values being a good mom. However, after a few years of taking care of everyone and not addressing her own needs and other desiresâshe stopped doing art, put her career on hold, and wasnât taking much care of herselfâshe began feeling resentful toward her family. She was giving-giving-giving but not filling her own cup by honoring her other needs and desires.
So focusing on just one of our values for a long time can create an imbalance in our life. Thatâs why step one of the value-centered living habit is to identify our top five values, not just the top one.
Step 2: List actionable ways to honor your top values.
Once you have identified your top five values, make them actionable by expressing them as verbs. For example, if one of your values is meaningful connections, you could phrase it as âconnecting deeply and authentically.â Start each value statement with a verb.
Next, specify more precisely how you can put each value into practice. For instance, for the value of connecting deeply and authentically, it could be:
- Being fully present when interacting with someoneâgiving them my undivided attention
- Listening with the intention to understand, not just to reply
- Sharing my honest thoughts and feelings
- Being open and vulnerable
- Staying in touch with my closest friends and family by sending them messages and calling them regularly
- Scheduling time every week for social activities
Try writing at least five actions for each value. Itâll be helpful for step 3.
Step 3: Do something daily to embody your top values.
The last step is the value-centered living daily habit.
Every morning, look at your list of actions you created in step 2, and decide what youâll do to honor your top values.
Personally, I write this in my journal. First, I write down my top five values as reminders, and then I write down what Iâll do to nurture each one that day.
It doesnât have to be complicated. For my value of meaningful relationships, I may just write a nice comment on a friendâs post. For self-care, I may go to a yoga class. For purposeful work, I may film a Tik Tok video.
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This simple daily habit makes sure that we give attention to and nurture the most important things in our lives. Every single day, even if the day isnât perfect, we are more likely to feel satisfied because weâre focusing on what matters to us.
This simple practice has been a game-changer for me (thanks to Hal Elrod!), and I hope it can serve you too.
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Why I Quit Beast Mode and How I Traded Burnout for Peace and Balance
âBeast mode.â Sounds pretty badass, doesnât it?
Itâs like an adrenaline-fueled battle cry, a call to arms. Itâs a way of life thatâs all about giving every single thing youâve got to every single thing you do.
For most of my life, I lived this mantraâand prided myself for living this way.
In fact, I had a sticker on my bathroom mirror with the words âbeast modeâ that I stared at all the time. It was my constant reminder to be all in, every single day, pushing harder, reaching further.
But hereâs the reality check: Life isnât supposed to be a non-stop action flick or an eternal Olympic sprint.
When you live that way, youâre always running on empty.
In fact, I felt like I was a smartphone on 1% battery all the freaking time.
And Iâm not just talking about feeling physically wiped out. I was mentally and emotionally zonked, too. I knew there had to be something better than living in permanent beast modeâŠÂ running on fumes⊠sputtering through my days.
Eventually, it all just clicked for me. I realized that I had become so caught up in the hustle, so obsessed with the âhow much,â that Iâd lost sight of the âwhyâ ⊠for what purpose?
After all, busyness should not equate with worthiness!
And thatâs when I decided to shift gears, from the non-stop grind of beast mode⊠to the thoughtful pacing of what I now call my âbest mode.â
Beast Mode vs. Best Mode
Beast Mode is like running on full throttle all the time. Itâs all about maximum effort, maximum speed, maximum output. It can be incredibly effective in the short-term but can also lead to burnout and loss of direction in the long run.
Best Mode is about finding a sustainable, balanced, and intentional way of living. Itâs about setting mindful, meaningful goals and pursuing them at a thoughtful pace. Itâs an approach that values self-care, reflection, and mindful action as much as achievement and productivity. In best mode, youâre not just achieving, youâre enjoying the journey. Youâre living your best life, not just a busy one.
Now, Iâm here to share my journey from beast mode to best mode, my transition from being a human-doing to a human-being. And let me tell you, itâs not only enriched my life, itâs made it infinitely more fulfilling, and, dare I say, significantly more enjoyable.
The Appeal of Beast Mode
We live in a world where the common refrain is always: âDo more! Be more! Achieve more!â
And beast mode fits snugly into this ethos.
Itâs not just a mindset. It is a state of being.
Itâs about relentlessly striving for success, pushing past limits, and breaking barriers.
Admittedly, it gives you a buzz, a rush. I remember the thrill, the allure of being in beast mode. The feeling that I was invincible, a juggernaut, an unstoppable force. There was something intoxicating about it, something that drew me in and held me in its grip.
The Downsides of Constant Beast Mode
But hereâs the kicker: Living in beast mode is like running on a treadmill thatâs always cranked up to max speed. Itâs exhausting, draining.
Youâre sprinting at breakneck speed, but where are you going?
What are you really achieving?
And at what cost?
Because in the midst of this relentless pursuit, you start to lose sight of whatâs really important.
Relationships, peace of mind, the simple joys of life. They all get left in the dust.
Plus, often beast mode leads to a more beastly mood. You feel on edge a lot of the time. Or simply exhausted.
Basically, beast mode is a relentless grind that leads you straight down a one-way street to Burnoutsville. Trust me, itâs a place you donât want to visit.
The Value of Balance over Burnout
Over time, as I got older, I began to see through the illusion.
I started to realize that life is more than a marathon, more than a series of boxes to check off.
A good life is about appreciating the moments in between, the simple pleasures, the quiet joys.
Itâs about my kidâs laughter echoing through our home, a shared meal with my family, a good book on a lazy afternoon.
These simple moments are the essence of a good life. Theyâre the threads that weave the tapestry of our existence.
And these threads started to matter more to me, more than any achievement or accolade.
So one morning I peeled that âbeast modeâ sticker off my bathroom mirror, and began to try to live differently.
How I Quit Beast Mode and BurnoutÂ
Breaking up with beast mode was no easy feat. It was like trying to sever ties with a toxic friend who just doesnât want to let go.
But once I managed to break free, it was like a breath of fresh air. I found peace⊠tranquility⊠balance.
And I discovered that balance trumps beast mode any day.
The calm mornings, the shared stories, the unhurried afternoons, the dancing to music in the middle of the dayâthese became my new triumphs.
These simple, peaceful, intimate moments became my new improved yardstick for success.
And they became the milestones that truly mattered most.
5 Tips to Quit Beast Mode and Embrace Best Mode Instead
Now, if youâve managed to stick with me so far, hereâs some straight-shooting advice, fresh from my own experience.
Coming up now are my top tips for quitting beast modeâand thereby quitting burnout mode too!
1. Embrace the Joy of Missing Out (JOMO).
Itâs perfectly okay to say ânoâ to things. The world wonât come crashing down if you miss a meeting or skip a gym session. Youâre not the fulcrum of the universe, even though it can feel like it sometimes. Relax, let go, and savor the joy of missing out.
2. Redefine Success.
Success doesnât always have to mean grinding 24/7. Itâs about finding balance, achieving contentment, and enjoying peace. Itâs not a one-size-fits-all concept. Define success on your own terms and let the world be damned.
3. Cultivate Mindfulness.
Be present. Bask in the moment. Not the one thatâs waiting around the corner or the one thatâs five years down the line. Iâm talking about the moment thatâs happening right now, this very instant. Itâs fleeting, ephemeral, and itâs worth your attention.
4. Prioritize Relationships.
Remember, itâs the people in your life that matter. Not your achievements, not your work, not the number of zeros in your bank account. People, relationships, these are the things that enrich your life. So make time for them. Even if it means putting your beast mode persona on hold.
5. Balance, Balance, Balance.
I canât stress this enough. Life isnât a sprint; itâs a marathon. Itâs a journey thatâs meant to be savored, not rushed through. Itâs about finding equilibrium, maintaining stability, juggling different aspects of your life so that youâre not just running blindly toward an ever-receding finish line. Balance, my friend, is the key to a fulfilling life.
Conclusion: Quit Beast Mode and Burnout
So there you have it. Thatâs my story of why I ditched beast mode and chose the best mode life of balance.
And I have zero regrets. In fact, I couldnât be happier.
So, take a moment to reflect, to think about where youâre at⊠and where youâre heading.
What would your life look like if you decided to give beast mode the boot and embraced a life of balance instead?
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6 Things to Remember When You Feel Anxious in Your Relationships
âOur anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.â ~Kahlil Gibran
Relationships have always been anxiety-inducing for me, and I know it stems from my childhood.
As a kid I would often silently mouth words Iâd just said, hearing them in my mind and evaluating whether Iâd said something stupid or wrong. I was always afraid of saying something that might make someone upset.
Junior high was a particularly rough time in my life. I was insecure and had low self-esteem, and I was desperate for approval from other kids, which made me an easy target for bullying.
To make matters worse, an authority figure in my life told me, âIf I was your age, I wouldnât be your friend.â
I had always believed there was something wrong with me, but at that point I was certain that no one would like me, let alone love me, if they really knew me. But I also felt deeply lonely in my little bubble of self-loathing and envied the popular kids. The likable kids. The kids who didnât seem so clingy and awkward, who seemed to easily fit in.
Thus began an internal battle Iâm guessing many of you know all too well: the deep desire to feel seen and secure juxtaposed with the feared being judged and rejected.
As I got older, I found myself in all kinds of unhealthy relationships, making friends with other emotionally damaged, self-destructive women, thinking theyâd be less likely to judge me, and dating emotionally unavailable men, whose behavior reinforced that I didnât deserve love.
I was always afraid they were mad at me. That I did something wrong. That they might realize I was too needy and eventually walk away.
And it wasnât just in my closest relationships that I felt insecure. I also felt a deep sense of unease around their friendsâwhen we all went to a party or bar, for example. It all felt like a performance or a test, and I was afraid of failing.
Constantly in fight-or-flight mode, I tried to numb my anxiety in social situations with alcohol. Far more times than I care to admit, I ended a night black-out drunk, only to wake up the next morning to mortifying stories of things Iâd done that I didnât recall.
The irony is that this jeopardized my relationshipsâbecause people had to babysit and take care of meâwhen I was binge-drinking mainly because I was scared of being rejected.
Maybe you can relate to the extreme anxiety I felt in relationships. Or maybe for you, itâs less debilitating, but you worry, nonetheless.
Whatever your personal experience, perhaps it will help to read these six thingsâthings I wish I understood sooner.
1. Your anxiety is likely about more than just this one relationship.
Even if the other person has said or done things that have left you feeling insecure, odds are, your anxiety stems from your past, as was true for me.
We all form attachment styles as children; many of us become anxiously attached as a result of growing up with abusive, neglectful, or unreliable caregivers who arenât responsive to our needs. If you often feel anxious in relationships, you might be stuck in a pattern you formed as a kid.
2. If the other person is emotionally unavailable, itâs not your fault, and not within your power to change them.
Itâs tempting to think that your behavior is responsible for theirs, and if you do everything right, theyâll give you the love you crave. On the flipside, you might constantly blame yourself when they withdraw. You said something wrong. Or did something wrong. Or itâs just you being youâbecause you are wrong.
But emotionally unavailable people have their own painful pasts that make them act the way they do. It started way before you, and it will likely continue when your relationship inevitably breaks under the strain of too much tension.
Instead of trying to earn their love and prove youâre worthy, remind yourself that you deserve love you donât have to work for. And that itâs worth the wait to find someone who is willing and able to give you their all.
3. Things might not be as they seem.
While some people truly are pulling away and looking for an easy exit, other times we just think they are.
When we fear abandonment, we often read into little things and assume the worst. We over-analyze text messages, worry about a change in tone or facial expressions, and generally look for signs that we might have upset someone. But thereâs a good chance that thing youâre worrying about has nothing to do with you.
Maybe theyâre not texting back right away because theyâre afraid of writing the âwrongâ thing to you. Maybe they havenât called recently because theyâre going through something hard. Whatever youâre interpreting as proof of imminent rejection, consider that you might have it all wrong.
4. Sometimes anxious behavior creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When youâre feeling anxious, you might cling, act controlling, or argue over minor issues that make you feel neglected or rejectedâall behaviors that can cause someone to withdraw. I canât even count the number of times I caused unnecessary drama because I assumed that because I felt insecure, someone else had done something to make me feel that way.
Everything changed when I recognized I could pause, recognize how I was feeling (and why), and then choose to respond from a place of calm awareness.
If you can learn to recognize when youâre feeling triggered, you can practice regulating your own nervous systemâthrough deep breathing, for exampleâinstead of inadvertently pushing the other person away.
5. Often, the best thing you can do is sit with your anxiety.
This one has been hard for me. When I feel anxious, my instinct is often to seek reassurance from someone else to make it go away. But that means my peace is dependent on what someone else says or does.
Ultimately, we need to believe that our relationships are strong enough to handle a little conflict if there truly is a problemâand that if our relationship isnât strong enough to last, weâre strong enough to handle that.
6. Sometimes when someone is pulling away, itâs actually in your best interest.
People with an anxious attachment style will often try to do everything in their power to hold onto a relationship, even if someone isnât good for them.
In my twenties I spent many nights crying over emotionally abusive men, some of them friends with benefits who I hoped would eventually want more; others, men I was dating who thought even less of me than I thought of myself.
The wrong men always left me because I didnât see my worth and wasnât strong enough to leave them first. And the pain was always unbearable because it reinforced that I wasnât lovableâjust as Iâd feared all along.
Though it can be agonizing when someone triggers an old abandonment wound, letting the wrong person walk away is the first step to believing you deserve more.
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As someone with deep core wounds, I still struggle with relationship anxiety at times. I donât know if it will ever go away completely. But I know Iâve come a long way and that Iâm a lot stronger now.
I also know that when I inevitably feel that familiar fearâthe racing heart, the sense of dread, the triggered shame coursing through my trembling veinsâI will love myself through it. I wonât judge myself or put myself down or tell myself I deserve to be hurt. I may fear that someone might abandon me, but no matter what happens, I wonât abandon myself.
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How Boundaries Help You Stay True to Yourself (And Two Practices to Try Today)
“The more you value yourself, the healthier your boundaries are.” ~Lorraine Nilon
I want to talk about the direct correlation between boundaries and self-love. Because when we truly love ourselves and have a healthy self-worth and self-concept, setting boundaries becomes a natural extension of that.
Without boundaries, we either become walled off and protect ourselves from others, which creates a sense of deep isolation and loneliness, or we become enmeshed with others. We often find ourselves living on their side of the street, working overtime to manage, fix, caretake, or be needed by them, all while neglecting ourselves and our personal well-being and needs.
As children, we were often rewarded for being relational, compliant, quiet, agreeable, easy, and invisible. The underlying message was that we didnât deserve to have ownership of ourselves.
As long as we did what the big people said, we were in their good graces, but if we crossed that line, then we were in trouble. Because that hurt and brought up so much shame for us, the alternative was to disconnect from our authentic selves. We became people who played a part merely to gain acceptance and approval, but at the detriment of our own needs and desires.
I personally have been on both sides of the coin. I was boundary-less for much of my life, giving and giving to others, unable to stand up for myself and my own personal needs. Â
A great example of this was when my husband and I went on vacation many years ago. We had a great time, but upon returning home I experienced an almost debilitating sadness and anxiety.
I remember being uncomfortable in my own body to the point of wanting to crawl right out of my skin. As I sat with the uncomfortable sadness, I realized that it was deep grief.
While I was on vacation, I felt free. I felt an ease about what I wanted to do each day and how I wanted to spend my time. In my regular ânot on vacationâ life, I felt stifled and obligated to everyone.
I realized I was living someone elseâs life. I had built a life that others looked at and thought, âWow, sheâs got it all,â but it wasnât the life that felt true to me. The grief I met that day came from meeting the realization of how I lived for everyone but me.
I had checked all the ârightâ boxes of what my parents wanted and what society expected of a good girl, but I was miserable.
After this experience, it still took me a while to get a handle on my overpleasing and appeasing. Eventually, after having fried adrenal glands twice from my constant over-giving, over-serving, and endless worry of what others thought of me, I flipped the pendulum to the other extreme and began to build a wall. I was tired of everyone taking advantage of me and asking me for my energy.
âNoâ became my personal mantraâuntil I woke up one day realizing how incredibly isolated and alone I felt. I had protected myself to the point of shutting everyone out.
We are hardwired for connection, for community, for a group of people in which we feel we belong. Our nervous systems operate beautifully when we feel safe with others and are able to experience a dance of co-regulation.
We want to move toward healthy boundaries, which are flexible, fluid, and give us the chance to shift and change. Healthy boundaries arenât completely loose and open, but they arenât to the other extreme of being closed off and guarded.Â
Boundaries and attachment style go hand in hand. Our earliest attachment was with our mothers, or primary caregivers.
If we had a mother who met us in our time of need with compassion, a friendly face, and consistency, we built what is called a secure attachment.
If we didnât have this experience and our mother was unfriendly, shut down, cold, inconsistent, and not able to attune to our feelings and emotions as children, we created something called an insecure attachment. As adults with this deep well of insecurity, there is a good chance we are looking to have another adult meet our needs or fill this hole in our soul.
My own mother controlled the emotional climate in the home. Just a tightening of her jaw and a furrow of her brows, and I was instantly walking on eggshells. Being raised in such an emotionally shut down and rigid home, I carried the belief with me that I was responsible for everyone elseâs feelings, and if someone else was upset, I believed it was my fault.
I wasted hours, days, and weeks worrying if someone was upset with me or disliked me. I had a huge gaping hole in my soul, and I strived to fill it by using other peopleâs validation and acceptance.
It took me decades to learn how to be kind to myself and give my inner child what she needed, which was validation, acceptance, and a âkindfulâ witness. (I once heard the term kindful from one of my mentors, and it really stuckâit simply refers to being kind to myself.)
Developing healthy boundaries requires us to learn that no other person can provide the inner safety and security that we need. Our healing work requires that we learn to reparent ourselves and provide ourselves the internal safety that we need and long for.
This work isnât necessarily easy; it takes time to learn how to nurture ourselves and build a rock-solid sense of authenticity and integrity. However, the irony is that when we learn to meet our own needs and recognize that we can create our own internal safety, we build the exact foundation required for better intimate relationships and friendships.
The best thing we can do is learn to stay with ourselves and be true to who we really are.Â
Your needs, your preferences, your wishes, and your desires are what make you YOU! I know youâve maybe heard that a million times, but maybe a million and one is what it takes. Really let that sink in. If any relationship requires that you abandon yourself to keep the peace, itâs not a healthy relationship.
As we begin to build a healthier version of ourselves and recognize our value, we begin to not be so tolerable of those who mistreated us or diminished our worth. Being in our energy is a privilege, not a right. (You might want to repeat that to yourself on the daily.)
When we believe this, over time, we draw in healthier individuals who respect us because they too respect themselves. As we shed the false self that we once created to gain approval and stay safe, we give ourselves the opportunity to explore what our hearts actually need and desire.
Itâs possible that the people in your life who were always used to you being easy, going with the flow, and not ruffling any feathers will find your newfound boundaries a bit of an inconvenience. I just experienced this situation recently. A friend begged for the old version of me that just wasnât available to her whims and needs any longer. She loved me when I could be in a one-way friendship for her, but I couldnât do it anymore.
My new rule is two-sided relationships are the only relationships for me.
What I love most about boundary work is that it is so incredibly honest. Because boundaries are grounded in our values and our needs, we are showing people the real and authentic us.Â
We are saying, âThis is what I need; this is what I desireâare you able to meet me in this?â Sometimes they can and sometimes they canât, but the bottom line is that boundaries give us the opportunity to create relationships based on pure honesty and truth.
Having healthy boundaries requires you to be healthy, whole, and anchored to your truth. It requires you to step up and express this truth to create relationships and a life that you love.
There are two exercises I want to leave you with to begin working on your boundaries. While these exercises seem simple, they are incredibly potent. One of my favorite current sayings is a little + often = a lot.
When these practices are worked over and over, they become embodied. We no longer have to think about them so much, as they start to become second nature.
1. No more auto-yesing.
From now on, when anyone asks you anything, your immediate response is that you need to give yourself a minimum of twenty-four hours before you respond.
This exercise is important because it gives you an opportunity to pause and check in with your body.
If we are accustomed to having codependency, good girl/boy, or people-pleasing patterns, our immediate response is always YES, 150% of the time. This exercise stops that pattern and gives you the pause you need to ascertain what feels expansive and good to you.
2. Spend some time journaling on the following questions:
- In what ways/areas/relationships am I giving my power away?
- What am I tolerating that doesnât feel good to me any longer?
- In what ways was I rewarded for not having boundaries as a child?
- In which current situations/relationships do I have an opportunity to start building my boundary muscle?
These two exercises are powerhouse tools to help you discover and implement new choices and responses.
And lastly, if you feel like you are bumping up against a wall when it comes to your boundaries, the only way out is through. Yes, it feels clunky. No, you won’t always get your newfound boundaries ‘right’ (hello, good child), but with practice and support, youâll make it to the other side.
Join me where life is so free and expansive, you can’t even imagine.
