Tag: wisdom
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Overcoming Codependency: Breaking the Cycle of Unhealthy Relationships
“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” ~Melody Beattie
From a young age, I felt insecure in my own skin. I was a highly sensitive child and, subsequently, struggled with low self-worth for most of my life.
Although I had many friends and a good family, I consistently looked for approval outside of myself. I grew up believing that the opinions of others were the only accurate representations of my core worth.
As a teenager, I witnessed the crumbling and eventual demise of my parents’ marriage. During these years, I felt a lot like an island.
I was often plagued with a dark, mysterious unhappiness. The standard teenage growing pains conglomerated with the trauma of losing my familial identity. In a desperate attempt to counter these negative feelings, I sought the approval of others; when it was not provided, I felt like a failure.
I was caught up in vicious cycle of seeking outside confirmation that I was good enough.
At school, I adopted the role of boy-crazy-funny-girl. I wanted to be adored and nurtured and cherished.
I kept a list of all the cute boys at my school and spent hours daydreaming about a blissful, fairy tale love.
I consistently focused on seeking happiness outside of myself. This habitual practice, over time, led to an inability to be content unless something or someone was providing validation. Most of the time, I felt like I was not good enough.
This falsely instilled belief led me into a decade-long struggle with codependency.
The first codependent relationship I was involved in began when I was nineteen. He was ten years older than I was, and, unbeknownst to me at the time, a cocaine addict.
Our routine was unhealthy and unproductive. We would spend our weekends drinking and gambling at a local pool hall. More often than not, I spent my entire weekly paycheck by the end of Saturday night.
He belittled me, called me names, and consistently criticized my appearance and weight. He compared me to his previous girlfriends. I began to see myself as an incomplete person, one who was in need of major repairs and upgrades. I was so emotionally fragile that the wind could’ve knocked me over.
In a frantic effort to self-preserve, I adopted several fear-based behaviors. I became obsessed with him. I was controlling and jealous. I needed to know everything about his past. I wanted desperately for him to accept me.
Over the ten months we spent together, I neglected my body and mind. My weight dropped a staggering thirty pounds. I was completely disconnected from my family and friends. I developed severe anxiety and suffered crippling panic attacks. I knew something had to change, so I gathered the courage and left him behind.
I thought that I was rid of this unhealthy and unsatisfying lifestyle, but the bad habits carried into my next two relationships.
I spent four years with a person that I loved very much; however, his alcohol dependency brought all of my insecurities and controlling behavior back into play.
We spent four years flip-flopping between wonderful loving moments and horrific physical fights that left us both numb and depressed.
When this relationship ended, I sought comfort in yet another unavailable partner, one that could not provide me with the stability that I so badly needed.
Such is the nature of the codependent person. We seek out what is familiar to us, but not necessarily what is good for us.
After logging close to a decade-worth of codependent hours, I finally faced myself. I knew that if I didn’t make significant changes, I would be forever trapped in a life that was unconducive to my spiritual and emotional growth.
In a scene eerily similar to Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love bathroom breakdown, I faced the music. I got myself a small apartment and started my recovery.
The first few days spent alone were absolutely torturous. I cried and cried. I had trouble doing basic tasks, like walking my dog or getting groceries. I had completely turned inward, nurturing my turmoil like an old friend. Anxiety-ridden and lonely, I did the only thing I could think of: I asked for help.
The first step I took was ordering Melody Beattie’s book Codependent No More. This is probably the most significant self-improvement book I have ever read. I felt a weight being lifted as I read, page by page.
Finally, I was able to understand all of the behaviors, feelings, and emotions I had struggled with for so long. I was a textbook case, my highlighter affirmed as I completed the “codependency checklist.” Perhaps some of these questions will speak to you, as well.
- Do you feel responsible for other people—their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, and destiny?
- Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or try to take care of their feelings?
- Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?
- Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?
- Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?
- Do you feel empty, bored, and worthless if you don’t have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?
- Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking, and worrying about other people and their problems?
- Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?
- Do you stay in relationships that don’t work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?
- Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don’t work, either?
(You can read more about the habits and patterns of codependent people here.)
After acknowleding my codependency, I connected with an online support group for family members of addicts/alcoholics. This gave me a platform to share my story, without judgment, and little by little, I healed my aching heart.
The most significant things I learned on this journey are:
1. Without change, nothing changes.
This is such a simple yet profound truth. It’s reminiscent of Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. The cycle of codependency can only be overcome by establishing and nurturing a super-loving relationship with yourself. Otherwise, you will continually find yourself in unhealthy, codependent relationships.
2. We can’t control others, and it is not our job to do so.
Over the years, I was constantly trying to control and micromanage other people’s behavior, in an effort to escape my own negative feelings.
I chose partners with alcohol and drug dependencies. Often, I chose angry and avoidant men. By focusing on what was wrong with them, I could ignore what was empty and unfulfilled in me.
I thought, naively, that this would give me a feeling of stability. In fact, it did the opposite. Surrendering the need to control other people provides us the necessary space to connect with ourselves.
3. Love and obsessions are not the same.
I falsely believed for many years that love and obsession were one and the same. I gave so much of myself to my partners, naively thinking that this was the road to happiness.
I’ve learned that healthy love requires both partners to have unique, individual identities outside of the romantic relationship. Time alone, time with friends, and time to work on personal projects allows you to really connect when you are together, without feeling suffocated. We build trust when we afford ourselves, and our partners, some breathing room.
For many years I neglected my own needs. I now prioritize personal time to do individual activities: reading, writing, walking, reflecting. I started to heal once I learned to incorporate self-love rituals into my life. One of my favorite things to do is spend the evening in a warm bubble bath, light some candles and listen to Alan Watts lectures.
4. Life is not an emergency.
This is a biggie! I consistently lived in a high-stress vortex—terrified of people, abandonment, and life itself.
I worried so much about all of the things that were outside of my control—often, other people. I realize now that life is meant to be enjoyed and savored. Good and bad things will happen, but with a centered and balanced heart, we can get over any obstacles.
The key to balance, for me, is to live fully in every moment, accepting life for what it is. Even when I’m feeling down, I know that the Universe has my back and everything in life is unfolding as it should.
If you don’t hold this belief, it might help to remember that you have your own back, and you can handle whatever is coming. When you trust in yourself, and focus on yourself instead of others, it’s much easier to enjoy life and stop living in fear.
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I have assembled a group of super-hero coaches and teachers that have helped me significantly over the years in my quest for self-improvement. I have loving support and encouragement from so many sources. It’s my dream to be able to give some of that back to the world. I hope I have done that with this post.
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Nature is Our Greatest Teacher: Lessons from atop an 8,263-Foot Volcano
“Deep in the forest I stroll to hear the wisdom of my soul.” ~Angie Weiland-Crosby
In October 2021, my partner and I embarked on a journey to summit Mt. St. Helens, an 8,263-foot active volcano in Washington State.
We have hiked thousands of miles across the United States, Costa Rica, and Mexico, but this was our first attempt at a summit hike. I was bubbling with excitement and nervousness!
Mt. St. Helen’s greeted us with grace and gentleness. The sky was clear, the views of Mt. Adams to the east were stunning, and the temperature was moderate.
We were chatting and climbing with a sense of ease and joy, grateful to be hiking over the packed snow, which is relatively easy to walk on.
We enjoyed the tracks left by hikers ahead of us.
We stopped to refill our water bottles in a mountain stream.
It was all smooth sailing at first.
As soon as we reached 7,500 ft, that gentleness was replaced with fierceness.
We were suddenly bombarded with 50mph winds, pelting snow and ice on our exposed faces, and nearly zero visibility.
We tried to traverse a little bit further, as we were only 800 feet from the summit. I thought, “We’re so close, we have to make it!”
When the pelting snow and ice became too much to bear, we took a short refuge behind an outcropping. We put on warmer clothes, gloves, and goggles, and then assessed the situation. (Images of Into Thin Air were reeling through my brain!)
We quickly made the decision to turn around and begin the descent to calmer, warmer, and safer conditions. We met other hikers who had made the same decision. I was disappointed, but also grateful, because time and time again, mother nature shares her wisdom with us.
During my Mt. St. Helen’s adventure, and during numerous other journeys into the wild, nature has taught me the importance of…
1. Humility
We are part of the natural world. We did not come into it, we came out of it, and, at the same time, there are forces far more powerful than us out there in the wilds. Those forces are scary and beautiful. Invigorating and potentially dangerous. Humbling and empowering.
The natural world offers us boundless opportunities for realizing and practicing humility. When navigating our day to day lives, our problems seem so acute and so important. And they are important, because they are our experience of the world. However, when we zoom out from the minutiae of our lives, we are offered a different perspective.
We are reminded of our sheer physical smallness. We are reminded of the paradox that we are both important and unimportant. And this truth is not depressing, it is liberating. Nature reminds us that we are not the center of the universe, and that it’s all really not that serious.
During my Mt. St. Helen’s journey, humility was essential for survival. I knew I was no match for the powerful winds. I thought I had a plan and was in control of my day, but mother nature demoted my ego and reminded me how little control I really have, both on the mountain that day and in my daily life.
Practicing humility and releasing control does not mean we stop taking action toward our goals, but rather that we learn to steer the ship with the current, not against it. We learn to adjust and pivot and be in partnership with forces outside of ourselves.
I practice humility when navigating roadblocks and challenges in my life. For example, in my business, every time I reach a new milestone, I celebrate it first. Then, I view it as a portal into learning something new and perfecting my craft.
Humility prevents me from becoming complacent and from thinking I have all the answers. The more I learn and know, the more I learn that I don’t know. And what a beautiful experience it is to be a forever student of the universe.
2. Intuitive Discernment
I didn’t let fear guide me on that summit hike; rather, I stayed calm, listened to my intuition and my body, and quickly discerned the potential danger ahead.
These two words, “intuitive” and “discernment,” might seem at odds with each other, but I have found the combination of intuition and logic to be powerful.
Intuition stems partly from past experiences, allowing us to act quickly, when necessary, to keep ourselves safe, whereas logic can help us determine the best steps to do so. To make wise decisions, we need to both listen to our gut and analyze the facts.
On Mt. St. Helen’s, my intuition was telling me to turn around. I allowed space for this to come through, and I took a few moments to also think logically about what to do. It was from this space that we made the safe decision to turn around.
Similarly, in my professional world, my intuition is guiding me toward writing more. I am also using discernment to list all of the past evidence that writing is the path for me. In other words, I am combining intuition and logic, and I’ve found that this combination offers great alignment among all parts of me.
3. Impermanence
Seasons, weather, circumstances, and emotions are all temporary. It’s all in flux. When we can accept this, and release attachments to people, events, and outcomes, then we can begin to discover inner peace. When we accept impermanence, we open ourselves to gratitude and presence.
This isn’t always easy. We tend to define ourselves in relation to other people and our roles, and we often interpret endings as failures. But every ending brings with it lessons and new beginnings.
And the beauty of embracing impermanence is that this reminds us that everything eventually ends—including times of struggle.
My partner and I plan to summit Mt. St. Helen’s again this year. Who knows what the volcano will have in store for us in a few months, but whatever it is, I know it will be in service to me.
In my day-to-day life, last winter, I found myself in a dark place, but I trusted that this space was temporary, and that proved to be true. Now, as now the seasons have changed, I am feeling grounded and light. I am savoring it, and I know that other challenges and hardships will come my way. I am open to it all, knowing none of it will last forever.
So my invitation to you is to deepen your relationship with the earth. Go outside. Sink your bare feet into the grass. Dig your hands into the soil. Let the sun kiss your face. Breathe. Open your heart to the wisdom of our earth.
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Why Forgiveness Is the Ultimate Act of Self-Love and 3 Lessons That Might Help
“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” ~Marianne Williamson
When you hear the word “forgiveness,” what do you feel?
Forgiveness used to make me feel uncomfortable. I would physically contract when I thought about forgiving someone who hurt me. I felt like forgiving meant letting them off the hook while I was the one paying for their hurtful words and actions.
I would play a scene in my head about what it would look like for someone to apologize and admit to their wrongs… and only then would I be ready and able to forgive. I put a moment that hadn’t happened on a pedestal. And in doing so, I outsourced my power to another person.
This kept me in a prolonged state of anxiousness, resentment, and heartache. I thought that I could bypass forgiveness because there was never an apology.
While apologies are helpful in healing, they aren’t always guaranteed. You can’t control what other people do or don’t do.
When you wait for an apology or project high expectations on what it should look like, you’re letting another person’s actions have too much control over your healing. And even if an apology is given, it can never fully take back what happened.
When I grew the courage to walk away from my partner last year, I felt so much anger for how I’d been treated throughout our relationship. He admitted to emotional cheating, he’d talked down to me, and he’d disrespected my time and energy.
The last text that I received from him was an apology, and yet I still didn’t feel like it was satisfactory. That’s because the ego will never be fully satisfied. True forgiveness has little to do with what the other person does for you; nobody can truly give you closure but yourself.
My path to forgiveness began when I received his text. In my final text to him, I was loving and wished him the best. It didn’t involve me trying to say one more piece to gain a reaction or salvage the relationship again.
It was me listening to the wisdom of my highest self that whispered in the depths of my pain:
“I am loving and loved.”
“It is for you, future you, and the people that love you that you take this experience of heartbreak and alchemize it into love, acceptance, and peace.”
My old story of forgiveness was that it was naive and unrealistic.
But my new story? Forgiveness is empowering and healing. And my future health, well-being, and relationships depend on it.
Here are three lessons about forgiveness that my breakup taught me.
1. Forgiveness is a process.
Forgiveness is not like following the exact route on your GPS to spend a Saturday at the beach. It ebbs and flows. We can’t rush or force it, but we can be willing to welcome its healing effects over time.
It didn’t feel right to jump right from my breakup into a place of forgiveness. I needed to process the sacred anger, rage, sadness, and bitterness that I was feeling. Because I let myself move through these emotions in healthy ways, I was able to release a lot of energy.
I then decided I was ready to forgive. I made a conscious choice to forgive internally every time I was triggered or reminded of something painful. At first, it felt nearly impossible. But I reminded myself that it was going to feel hard, and I loved myself where I was at.
I started with small moments of putting my hand on my heart and wishing peace for my ex. Then I began writing about my forgiveness in my journal. One day, I wrote a forgiveness letter to my ex (not to send) and then burnt it.
Over time, forgiveness feels more natural and reflexive, but it still requires intention. Be gentle with yourself in the process.
2. Forgiveness is for you.
Forgiveness is not about condoning, excusing, or minimizing someone’s behavior and actions. And it’s not about forgetting what happened or giving someone more chances.
Unlike reconciliation, forgiveness does not necessarily mean letting someone back into your life, although some people may choose that path to rebuild something stronger. But that requires conscious commitment from both parties involved.
When we resist forgiveness and harbor resentment, the only person we hurt is ourselves. In my case, forgiveness was an act of self-love and acceptance.
First, I had to forgive myself for staying longer than I should have. Then it was easier to energetically extend forgiveness to my ex and let go of uncomfortable emotions, like anxiety and resentment, which were keeping me stuck in a victim mindset.
I took my power back through forgiveness because it gave me permission to move on and created space for something more aligned with the highest version of myself.
When I welcomed the feelings of forgiveness, my energy had a ripple effect. Once I forgave my ex, I saw the best in other people and situations instead of projecting resentful, negative energy, which had previously kept me in a lack mentality.
Since I started to forgive and love myself more, I have attracted more abundance, love, and success.
Gratitude now radiates from me and has helped me align with connections, business opportunities, and experiences that have been for my highest good.
3. Forgiveness invites compassion for all.
The by-product of forgiveness is an equally healing expression: compassion. When you forgive, you welcome full, compassionate presence as you’re releasing the chains of judgment, blame, and shame. You begin to see the situation or person with a more loving lens.
As I started forgiving my ex-partner in my heart, I could clearly see that his behaviors were a reflection of his own internal struggles and pain. This gave me pause.
The feelings of anger and resentment slowly melted away as I saw a side of myself—someone who has also struggled, suffered, and made mistakes. And I couldn’t help but feel compassion for him, myself, and everyone who has felt pain because of pain caused by others.
Compassion is the antidote to the judgment that poisons our world and creates more suffering. It’s the greatest gift we can give and receive.
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Forgiveness isn’t easy, but neither is carrying the pain in the long run. See forgiveness as a non-negotiable act of healing, empowerment, and self-love. It is the ultimate closure you seek, and it will radically change your life and the lives around you.
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How I Gained Self-Confidence and Self-Love Through Nude Yoga
“Growth is uncomfortable; you have to embrace the discomfort if you want to expand.” ~Jonathan Majors
Click, the camera lens shutters as I stand barefoot in mud, waist deep in cold river water with lilies all around me, wearing nothing but a lace cloth draped across my body. I’ll never forget how nervous I was the first time I was professionally photographed nearly naked. Something greater than my fear had called me to do it.
When I was growing up, my father was determined for me to model or act. I went to several model castings and auditions and was even in a beauty pageant. But those paths led me nowhere. It was as if I was completely unnoticed.
I remember several times, after having photos taken for agencies, my father wouldn’t let me see the pictures. He would say, “They didn’t turn out good,” and I believe, to this day, that he was right and was protecting me. I was not photogenic in my youth. I was definitely a “late bloomer.”
Those experiences gave me the belief that I clearly was not the girl people were looking for. That I couldn’t model, and I wasn’t pretty enough (no blame here on my father; it was the entire experience as a whole).
In my adolescence I was far from confident; in fact, I was extremely judgmental of myself and engrossed in comparing my life to the popular girls. This made me feel and act even more awkward, and I really grew to dislike myself.
Fast-forward a decade later, when I was avidly practicing and teaching yoga. Over several years I started to learn to be in my body, to accept my body for how it was that day, in that moment. I also started to heavily meditate and learn to detach from my judgments and harsh critical thoughts.
During this time, I heard a woman talking about doing naked yoga. I couldn’t believe this… what?! Naked yoga!? It sounded so intriguing. I had to try it!
So, one day in my own home, completely alone, I undressed and stepped onto my mat. Seeing my naked body in the poses I had practiced hundreds of times, but now naked, was so intimate. It was like seeing my naked body for the first time. I’ll never forget how much I cried while moving from pose to pose and reciting the words “I love you” to the different parts of my body.
From there it all unraveled. During this time, several girlfriends who were photographers asked me to model for them. It was then that I really started to come face to face with all the parts of myself that I was so insecure about seeing, let alone someone else seeing!
I remember the day I was asked to pose nude for the first time, I rose to the occasion. It really added a deeper layer, or actually, it took all the layers off in my self-love journey!
I felt shy, timid, judgmental, and quite frankly, I had no idea what I was doing. But this feeling of awkwardness forced me to get grounded, to breathe, and to tap into the environment around me. I had to let go of what I looked like, and then I started to be playful and have fun!
When I first saw the photos, I was so embarrassed. It made me want to shrink and fade away. In time, as I continued to model, it became an ongoing journey of building confidence and learning to accept and love myself. I was drawn like a moth to a flame because I was embarking on something beyond my past experiences of fear, and it was transformative.
I went on to model nude several more times, in various settings: the forest, the lake, the desert, the hot springs, and indoor studios. It became an act of freedom to have my body turned into art. A wild woman was born!
I felt so free while modeling nude that it became a literal quest to overcome my insecurities and radically step into self-acceptance. To love my imperfections, to expose the raw and the unpolished parts of me.
Now, all these years later, I see that these photoshoots are much bigger than just me being naked. It’s alchemizing shame into confidence, hatred into self-love. It’s about being a seed of inspiration for others to express freedom and the power that’s found through vulnerability.
Naturally, we humans are creatures of comfort, but we do not grow and evolve when we stay in these zones. The power and healing that is on the other side of the familiar is immeasurable.
If you feel the burning heart’s desire to step into greater leadership, share your talents with the world, take the leap in your life, and step into the best ever evolving version of you. You can extract what I have talked about above and implement it into your life. This doesn’t mean you have to get naked too, although that’s one way to get radical about it!
Here are seven practices that you can implement into your self-care routines, morning or evening, to create greater self-love and boost your confidence.
6 Self-Love and Confidence Boosting Tools
1. Do mirror work with affirmations.
Speak affirmations—positive “I am” statements”—into the mirror. I am joy. I am fierce. I am beautiful. I am ready.Notice and allow. What emotions, thoughts, physical sensations, or memories come up? Tuning into what these statements trigger inside you can help you identify areas for healing.
For example, if you don’t believe you’re beautiful, why? What does beauty mean to you? When did you first start believing this? What happened, and who else was involved? What proof do you have that this is just a belief, not fact?
2. Practice naked yoga.
Roll out your mat at home, turn on music, light candles, and enjoy!
You might feel uncomfortable doing this. You might focus on all the parts of your body you dislike and how you imagine you look while doing the poses. Embrace the fact that it’s just you—there’s no one to impress or please—so you truly can just be in your body, without judging it. Connecting with your body is the first step to accepting it, and accepting it is the first step to loving it.
3. Seek discomfort.
Do things that feel (just a little) scary, intimidating, and unfamiliar to you. If you’re naturally shy, start a conversation with a stranger. If you don’t usually speak in meetings, offer a suggestion. Put yourself in situations to stretch and impress yourself. There’s nothing that will create confidence faster.
4. Try something new.
Take a class, join a club, try a new hobby. Do something you’ve always dreamed of trying, or something you envy other people for doing. Even if you’re not “good at it,” the fact that you tried builds courage.
5. Pamper yourself.
Get your hair/nails done, have a spa day, wine and dine yourself. Every time you take care of yourself or do something nice for yourself, you reinforce that you deserve it.
6. Try a nude photoshoot.
This can be done completely privately, photographed by you, or it can be as adventurous as you want. The choice is yours! Just be sure to choose a photographer you trust, someone who understands you’re doing this for self-empowerment and won’t pressure you into doing anything that you don’t feel comfortable with.
Not only have these steps helped me cultivate a lifetime partnership of love with myself, but they are also proven practices of transformation!
I could have easily stayed in my comfort zone instead of stepping into that muddy, cold river naked, but I was so inspired it beckoned me to step into the unknown, because I knew it meant stepping into greater power.
This is your sign to lean into those juicy discomforts, to find power in vulnerability, to say yes and live fearlessly!
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3 Lifestyle Changes I Made to Overcome Dissociative Panic Attacks
“There is no greater wealth in this world than peace of mind.” ~Unknown
A few years ago, I had what could safely be deemed a “bad year.” My live-in partner left me out of the blue, I became un(der)employed and racked with debt, I got in a car accident that totaled my car, and then…my dog died.
After the year that I’d had, the death of that dog, my most treasured friend, was the final straw. It was the final straw for believing that things might turn around soon, and it was the final straw for my mental health.
Shortly after her death, I started experiencing what I now know were dissociative panic attacks. At the time, however, I thought that I was going crazy, dying, and that my spirit was detached from my body. A feeling you can probably only understand if you, too, experience panic attacks and have felt derealization before.
For a long time, I suffered. And wallowed. And gave up. But after about six months of living in this nightmarish state of near-constant dissociation and depersonalization, I had a moment of clarity. I knew that I had to give it my all to get better, no matter how long it took, because the alternative was bad.
A panic attack is the ultimate manifestation of feeling a lack of control—feeling like you’re going to die, like you’re going crazy, like you’re disembodied… and there’s nothing you can do about it.
So I started my healing process by looking for ways to take back dribs and drabs of control in my life.
It didn’t happen overnight, but I am extremely grateful to say that it’s been over two years since I’ve had a panic attack. Something I never thought I’d be able to say when I was in the throes of the disorder. So how did I do it? I would love to share that with you here.
These are the three tools that I believe had the biggest impact on healing my dissociative panic disorder.
Adopting an Anti-Inflammation Diet
Inflammation is the response our bodies have to foods that irritate our digestive system, and the amount of inflammation in your body has a direct impact on brain-functioning. According to Psychology Today, there is an undeniable correlation between inflammation in the gut and mental health disorders like anxiety, bi-polar disorder, and depression.
I cut out gluten and alcohol completely (both notoriously inflammatory) and would have cut out dairy too except that I’d already done that a few years earlier for other reasons.
Looking back, I think adopting this new diet was effective in more than one way… Cutting out alcohol was not only helpful in soothing inflammation, but it also allowed me to become much more clear-headed right out of the gate. I was never a huge drinker, but eliminating the ten to twelve weekly drinks I did have was enough to notice an instant improvement in the evenness of my emotional state throughout the day.
Another surprise benefit was that making an intentional choice about the guidelines of my diet gave me back a sense of agency in my life because with every meal, I knew I was making an intentional choice about what would go in my body and why.
Progressive-Overload Weight Training
Unfortunately, weight training still seems to feel “off-limits” to many of us. There’s a rampant gym culture in our society, and it feels like either you’re in or you’re out. However, I learned during this journey to mental health that once you get “in,” it becomes clear that nothing and no one was ever really keeping you out!
But why did I decide it was important to find my way “in” in the first place? To be honest, this one was a happy accident. I knew that it was important to start moving my body again, but it was January 2021, which meant it was too cold to exercise outside, and group fitness was still not an option thanks to the pandemic. Going to the gym, however, wearing a mask, was.
What I discovered from my religious gym routine, and my dedication to learning how to weight train as a means to overcome feeling so awkward and uncomfortable during every workout, is that weight training has the powerful effect of connecting your mind to your body. Something I didn’t realize had been lacking for me.
It’s impossible to lift heavy weights without becoming deeply aware of the connection between your mental cues, your breath, and your muscles.
Dissociative panic disorder is a nasty feedback loop of feeling dissociated and disconnected, which is scary, and leads to our body trying to overcome that fear by dissociating and disconnecting. Developing a weightlifting routine created an interruption in that debilitating cycle and, over time, reminded me that I am firmly rooted in my body and that I have control over my physical reality.
Meditation
When I first started experiencing dissociation, depersonalization, and derealization, meditation was absolutely not the right answer for me. In fact, attempting to meditate only made me feel worse—like I was on the brink of leaving my physical body behind entirely.
However, once I regained a little bit of trust with my mind and body through other practices and knew that I would, in fact, not float away, I started using meditation to further the work I was doing in other places.
Since I had discovered through weightlifting the importance of strengthening my connection to my body, the first meditations I employed were for deepening that body-awareness (also called somatic awareness or interoceptive awareness.) My entire goal was to become more familiar and friendly with my body so that I could remain grounded in my physical self throughout the day.
Later, once I was feeling healthier and more optimistic about a panic attack-free future, I also began to employ meditations for future-visualization. I would tune into and sit with the feelings of connection, safety, and purpose as I allowed my mind to create pictures of my future life. In this way, I began to rewire my brain to understand, look for, and create positive emotions again.
Now, more than two years after I made the life-changing decision to do anything it took to heal my panic disorder, I still fall back on all three of these tools to keep me healthy. I avoid inflammatory foods, I hit the gym regularly (and move my body in other ways), and I try to meditate every single morning.
I know it can feel overwhelming to start a new routine, but none of these lifestyle changes will do anything but enhance your life. It’s worth it to try. I hope that a few months from now you, too, can look back at your panic attack days as just a difficult, but closed chapter in your life.
