Tag: wisdom
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Meditation Simplified: How to Find Calm in Our Chaotic World
“Be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behavior. You are beneath the thinker. You are the stillness beneath the mental noise. You are the love and joy beneath the pain.” ~Eckhart Tolle
I completed my meditation teacher training in 2022 and continue to practice two to three times each day.
I was initially skeptical of what this practice could possibly offer me. But, as someone who had been riddled with daily anxiety, periodic bouts of depression, and an exhausting inability to maintain focus that left me depleted energetically, I was keen to learn more and discover for myself what sort of support this practice could offer me.
While the religious roots of the practice originated in the Hindu tradition and were later established in Buddhism, we now have a strong, scientifically based understanding, backed by evidence, that likely makes the practice a little more digestible to Western cultures. The key is to experiment with a few different approaches and go with what works for you.
Let me explain. Meditation is a formal practice of mindfulness. It requires a person to intentionally direct their attention to a single point of focus in the present moment, on purpose, and without judgment.
While there are some fantastic guided meditations and educational resources that you can download and use on Apps like Calm, Insight Timer, or One Giant Mind, I love simplicity and don’t like to overcomplicate things. Less is more.
For me, when I’m meditating my preference is to simply focus on the only thing in my body that is both constant and noticeable—my breath. In and out. That’s it.
Try this now. Just for one minute.
Set a timer for one minute on your watch or phone.
Close your eyes or lower your gaze to a steady point of focus in front of you.
Release any tension in your body, from your head to your toes.
Now notice your mind focusing on your breath going in, then out. Now let’s play a game with your mind: How long can you sustain this focus until you notice a thought enter your mind? Ten seconds? Three seconds? One?!
Gently let the thought that has arisen go and return to noticing your breath. Try again. How long until the next thought pops into your mind? Let it go and return to observing. Continue in the same manner for one minute.
Tricky, isn’t it?
Now here’s the thing. Your mind wants to think—that’s its purpose. It thinks to help protect you and keep you safe. It needs to remind you about your dentist appointment tomorrow, or to decide what you should cook for dinner tonight and, therefore, which items you need to pick up at the supermarket. Or perhaps it wants you to unpack that meeting you had with your boss yesterday, and now you’re worrying about what he or she thinks about your productivity levels.
Your mind wants to protect you by solving all the problems in the world (either real or imagined), whether you are in the middle of meditation or not! And this is the point where many beginners will say, “My mind won’t stop thinking—this is too hard. Meditation doesn’t work for me,” before they give up.
But just like weight training and running are exercise to strengthen your muscles and increase your fitness levels, meditation is exercise to strengthen your brain. Just as you can’t run a marathon when you’ve tried running for ten minutes, you can’t strengthen your brain after meditating for ten minutes. And yes, you’re probably going to be all over the place when you start, in both cases!
When you first begin a meditation practice, your mind will wander ALL. THE. TIME. I mean, it’s going to go everywhere—up, down, backward, forward, and around in circles. That’s good—it means it’s doing its job! But we just need to rein it in a little and keep it under our control, much like when out walking the dog, we pull on the leash when the dog starts to pull away.
We only need our mind to do its job when we need it to do its job, and we can train it to work more efficiently and effectively for us than it may currently be.
Now more than ever, we need to strengthen our brain. Human beings exist today with the most highly developed brain of any species on the planet. Unlike any other living creature, the human brain can produce and communicate ideas and engage in creativity and planning, which we have used to continually shape and evolve the world around us, making it what it is today.
This unique capability has enabled us to build a world that is so technically advanced, scientists have discovered that in our fast-paced modern world, the brain is now continually exposed to 11,000,000 bits of sensory information per second, even though it has the capacity of processing only sixty bits of information per second.
So, while civilization has progressed enormously, the human brain, which has barely changed in structure nor cognitive capacity in the last 500,000 years, now finds itself existing in a world where it is failing to function and serve us effectively in its efforts to adapt.
In the highly stimulating world we live in today, we find ourselves attempting to spread our bandwidth of sixty bits of conscious attention across all incoming sensory information. What we now observe is that we are in a constant state of distraction as our brain endlessly alternates between the vast load of stimuli vying for our attention—commonly known as multi-tasking.
When we engage in task switching, as it is known in the world of psychology, our stress levels increase, as do the levels of the stress hormone cortisol in our bloodstream. We have low self-control, and we’re fatigued as our conscious present moment awareness is reduced.
In addition, we now observe that the amygdala, buried deep in the lymbic system, responsible for the processing of emotions and essential to the survival and protection of the human species, is being continuously triggered in response to incoming stimuli that we evaluate, attach meaning to (whether accurate or not), and interpret as being threatening. This could be an imposing deadline at work, or the examples of the dentist appointment, the shopping list, and the meeting with your boss mentioned earlier.
With its connection to so many other parts of the brain, the amygdala organizes physiological responses that are subsequently felt throughout the physical body.
This examination of society has revealed that the source of our progress as a species, our brain, is also the source of our unhappiness.
While we have witnessed technological advances throughout history, we have also seen a surge in mental illness, including chronic stress, anxiety, and depression; an increased reliance on medication such as anti-depressants; and also a rise of a myriad of medical conditions from high blood pressure to migraines and eczema.
The mind is like an instrument, but rather than the mind playing us, we must master it so we can use it to do what it has been so beautifully created to do. Serve us.
We are constantly being played by our minds when we allow them to distract us with text and email notifications. Or when we allow it to tell us self-comparison stories about how our business will never measure up to our competitors, or that we’ll never be able to run a marathon, or that we can’t fly in a plane because the chances are too likely that it will crash.
Meditation allows us the opportunity to stop and practice observing our thoughts. Each thought that enters our mind is like coming to a fork in a road.
If we observe a negative thought, we can either choose to take it with us and head down one path, along which we will continue to encounter many other negative thoughts that we will attach to our first thought—thereby creating the story spiral that we all know too well; or we can let go, gently place that thought down in front of us, and carry on down another path that will allow us to gently return our focus to our breathing.
The first option creates feelings such as tension, worry, stress, anxiety, or anger in the body, which are manifested physiologically as symptoms such as tight muscles, shallow breathing, or an increased heart rate. The second option allows us to maintain a state of homeostasis, a stable internal environment, and we feel calm, relaxed, and grounded.
We can’t do much to change our wider world, so the question is, how can we change ourselves by changing our habits so we can adapt? How can we use meditation to achieve a state of calm centeredness in our fast-paced, adrenaline-inducing, chaotic world?
There are three elements that make up a repetitive cycle that we need to understand and follow when practicing meditation.
Notice, Accept, Redirect.
When you have closed your eyes, relaxed your body, and drawn your attention to your breath, notice the following over the duration of a minute:
Your ability to notice when your mind has wandered from observing your breath to a thought or chain of thoughts.
Your ability to accept your thought or thoughts for what they are, and not cast judgment over them by labelling them as “good” or “bad.”
Your ability to redirect your mind back to your point of focus (in my case, and for the purpose of this article, that’s my breath).
You will find yourself moving through this cycle over and over and over again as your mind, well-practiced in running its own show, jumps from thought to thought to thought. This is normal—it’s doing a job that it has learned over years of conditioning.
What we are trying to do is to help it relearn how to slow down and to maintain focus on just one thing at a time, and not allow it to unnecessarily trigger alarm bells of fear and panic, which we feel as unwanted sensations throughout our body.
And just like any physical workout, you will have some experiences in meditation where you will notice you are calmer and more focused than in other experiences—just as I do most of the time when I meditate, particularly in the initial stages when my mind is trying to settle. (Think of the settling of your thoughts like tiny pieces of glitter that have been shaken up in a jar of water and have now been left to slowly settle at the bottom of the jar).
But as tempting as it is, try not to label your experiences either during or at the end of your practice. Remember that we are also practicing non-judgment. And just as a negative judgment will likely create a build-up of resistance to what you are trying to achieve, a desire for things to be anything other than what they are creates tension—which is exactly the thing we are trying to ease. Just accept the experience for what it is—it’s a practice, and every practice brings you closer to your goal of creating awareness to help master your thoughts.
As you develop both your awareness of thought and agency over your thoughts, in time you will begin to gradually apply these skills to your daily life. You may notice that you are able to sustain focus on a task, whether giving a presentation for work or having a conversation with someone, and be fully engaged in the present without your mind kicking into default mode where it wanders and starts thinking about unrelated events. (Ever noticed your mind thinking about your day at work when you’re prepping the veggies for dinner?)
With an awareness of your thoughts you are able to create space between them, which will enable you to pick and choose which thoughts are useful and of benefit to you, and which are not. In addition, with consistent daily practice, you will experience improved emotional stability, reduced fatigue, and reduced physical ailments resulting from allostatic load or long-term stress.
I have begun my practice with just thirty to forty minutes each day—once in the morning, once at lunchtime (if I can manage it), and once in the evening. You may be wondering where on earth you could possibly pull that time from. I’ve simply substituted a portion of the two to three hours a day when I would get lost in checking my phone and mindlessly scrolling, or watching random stuff on TV, with my practice.
Identify the habits in your day that you consider unproductive—for example, scrolling, video games, and TV. Or perhaps you can save time on trips to the supermarket by creating a list of things to buy in advance, or allocate blocks of time when you will check your emails rather than constantly monitoring your inbox throughout the day.
To help create and reinforce your new habit, identify set times throughout your day when you will meditate, just as you do with brushing your teeth.
Interested and want additional tips on how to get cracking with your practice?
- Start with small and achievable. Set yourself the goal of doing one minute at least in the morning and in the evening. Allow yourself to extend this time whenever you feel the urge or desire. No pressure.
- Keep it simple and don’t overcomplicate things. Simply focus your attention on your breath—in and out. When your mind wanders, without judgment, gently bring your focus back to your breath, just like the analogy of the dog pulling on a leash.
- I like to use my earplugs and add some gentle music. There are plenty of appropriate musical options and choices available on Spotify or YouTube.
- Start in a comfortable position, with some type of support for your back. And if you find yourself falling asleep, no stress. Just let the session go and start again later in the day. (This could also potentially be an alert to check your sleep stores—are you getting enough rest? Our brain waves slow down when meditating so we remain alert and focused, but we don’t want them slowing down so much that we are falling asleep.)
- If you get interrupted (the kids start making noise, someone comes to the door, or your phone starts ringing), again, no stress. Just let that session go too.
- Alert people when you’re devoting time to your practice. I have taught the members of my family to let me be when I am meditating. Unless it’s an emergency and the house is burning down or someone’s arm is falling off, it can wait!
It is important to remember that our worries are the stream of jumbled thoughts and stories that we tell ourselves about a given situation. With the awareness of thought that evolves from a consistent meditation practice, we empower ourselves to choose to let go, or to do as we please with these thoughts, thereby opening ourselves up to improved physical and emotional well-being.
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How to Clear the Emotional Clutter That Weighs You Down
“Declutter your mind, your heart, your home. Let go of the heaviness that is weighing you down.” ~Maria Defillo
I remember perusing through a used bookstore in a small New England town as a teenager. A book caught my eye—maybe because its spine was a MacIntosh apple red—and I slid it off the shelf. It was titled Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston.
Back at home in my apartment in Boston, I devoured it. That book shifted the trajectory of my life. Fast-forward seventeen years later and living clutter-free is not only my lifestyle, it’s my calling and my passion. It’s what I’ve used as the foundation to find home again, inside myself as much as out.
I think I was eighteen when I was in that bookstore. I had devoted the last ten years of my life—sacrificed my childhood—to become a professional ballet dancer. “Sara the Ballerina” was my whole identity, who people knew me as, and the only way I knew myself. But because of very real burnout and a severely limited support system, I chose to go to college. Promising ballet career over.
A commonplace habit in the ballet world, at least in my corner of it, was to never throw away your pointe shoes. We dancers had an intimate relationship with each and every pair, hand-sewing the ribbons and elastic on ourselves just to our liking, each pair my ally or sometimes foe on the battlefield of competitive, ever-unattainable beauty.
Each pair was connected to a certain production, role, or memorable time of growth. Each shiny satin pair was a ticket to the elite club of Ballerina World. Not to mention each pair was $80-$100+ and always handmade. By the time I quit dancing I had bags of used pointe shoes filling up my entire closet and beyond.
Like a good Virgo, I lived very mindfully regarding clutter and consumption through my twenties, in large part due to that book. By age twenty-six, I wanted to test the waters a bit more dramatically, and I let go of 80% of my belongings (including my pointe shoes) to move onto a thirty-foot sailboat with my partner.
It was around this time that I found myself privately realizing just how deep clearing “clutter” goes. I started to independently use the term “emotional clutter,” only to return to my book and see that Karen Kingston wrote a whole chapter called “Clear Your Emotional Clutter.”
I believe that in an intuitive way, I was yearning to simplify the hell out of my external environment so that I could free up the energy to tend to my inner environment. I knew I had internal baggage; I just couldn’t yet clarify what.
You see, contrary to popular belief, when you are free of physical clutter, it doesn’t become rainbows and unicorns, an idea to which many TV shows and books allude. What happens is that what isn’t working in your life gets amplified. Like the surface of a lake clearing after a hard rainfall, clarity rises to the surface of your consciousness about certain things.
One big thing for me was, to be blunt, that I felt miserable most of the time. Why? There were a few key reasons, but one big one was never grieving the stillbirth of my ballet career. This grief was sabotaging my life. It was emotional clutter that I now knew I needed to process and release. After simplifying my external environment and uncovering clarity, that is when the real work began.
Fast-forward seventeen years, and my life is unrecognizable. I live in a different part of the world. My body is different, healthier. I’ve developed the courage and wisdom to only keep unconditionally loving and supportive people in my life (there’s a chapter in Kingston’s book about how people can be clutter too!). I’m re-wiring my brain and nervous system from C-PTSD.
By framing outdated stuff, symptoms of C-PTSD, and old self-limiting beliefs all simply as “clutter” to process and let go, I was able to face a chaotic life and change it to one anchored in sane living.
Now I know with all my heart that physical clutter is just a gentle starting point. By processing through my belongings mindfully, it tunes me into where I am. Where am I emotionally? What unfinished business do I have? What is weighing me down or holding me back? I now speak of it as mental, emotional, and spiritual clutter. This is how clutter-clearing is way more than getting rid of superfluous items.
Clutter-clearing is an industry in itself now. But from comparing my personal experience with what I observe in the mainstream media, a lot of deeper practical wisdom is not making the cut (yet). If I want to live an intentional, empowered life, I have to regularly process all the mental/emotional input and physical extensions of myself in order to feed my spirit.
If you’re also interested in clearing your emotional clutter, these four tips are a good start.
1. A potent journal prompt is to answer these two questions for each area of your life (career, relationships, health, etc.): What unfinished business do I have? What is weighing me down or holding me back?
2. Clutter-Clear! Choose an area of your home/studio/office to start. Curating through your belongings will tune you into what commitments, identities, or desires have expired for you.
3. Emotional clutter that’s common:
- Grief. Not just from loss of loved ones but also from loss of unfulfilled dreams or past versions of yourself.
- Unhealed Trauma. Choose a trusted technique to process the emotional baggage and stick to it. I recommend eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), inner child work, and support groups.
- Self-Limiting Beliefs. We’ll subconsciously believe what authority figures told us about ourselves while growing up for our whole lives, unless we consciously choose otherwise when we’re adults.
4. List out the values of the five people you interact with the most. If they don’t complement your values, life will be a much more intense emotional roller coaster ride.
Remember that self-healing and growth aren’t about finding or discovering something new out there. It’s about letting go of all the junk that’s already there to uncover the real you.
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Navigating Social Anxiety: 10 Powerful NLP Tools for Personal Growth
“We need each other, deeper than anyone ever dares to admit even to themselves. I think it is a genetic imperative that we huddle together and hold on to each other.” ~Patch Adams
A few years ago, I was invited to a work event. When I received the invitation a few months before, the idea seemed fun—a friendly gathering with colleagues, filled with vibrant conversations and laughter, enabling me to create human connections in the workplace.
As the day approached, a familiar knot tightened in my stomach, I couldn’t breathe deeply, and an overwhelming sense of unease took hold. I was caught in the hand of social anxiety.
Close to the event, the mere thought of attending sent my mind spiralling into millions of anxious thoughts and self-doubt. The fear of being judged, saying something embarrassing, or feeling awkward became all-consuming. Every scenario played out in my mind, each one more terrifying than the last. My mind went to “making up excuses” mode: from getting sick to imagining the event would be boring—anything to cancel.
As the day of the event arrived, the intensity of my anxiety escalated. The butterflies in my stomach intensified, my heart raced, and I battled against the urge to retreat into the safety of my home and decline the invitation.
During the event itself, I found myself on an emotional rollercoaster. Every interaction became a high-stakes performance. My mind raced, searching for the right words, the funny words, the smart words, analyzing every gesture and facial expression.
My ability to express myself authentically was numbed by a fear of judgment and rejection. I felt like an outsider, trapped in a room filled with people who seemed to effortlessly navigate social situations, which felt utterly foreign to me. This masking left me mentally exhausted and emotionally drained.
After the event, a wave of relief washed over me as I finally escaped the social arena. I retreated back home, alone, to my safe haven. Unfortunately, my mind was not done racing, as it replayed every conversation and interaction. Self-doubt and self-criticism crept back in, overshadowing any moments of genuine connection or enjoyment I may have experienced.
Luckily, my story doesn’t end there. This is not me today. I’ve learned to regain control over my inner state and find genuine enjoyment in social interactions with others (even at work). I am also very clear on which social interactions I actually want to join and which are not for me, and I am connected enough to my body that I can choose to say no to fun events on days I need to rest.
It was through my journey of self-discovery and exploration with the approaches I now coach with, teach, and live by—neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) techniques, yoga, and energy healing—that I began to accept, explore, and then transcend my social (and general) anxiety. Of course, there are still days I have to work harder on it, but overall, I feel in control of my state of being.
A therapist once gave me this definition of anxiety, which I love and keep using in my life and coaching:
Anxiety is your level of perceived stress or “danger” over your perceived ability to handle that situation.
When you perceive a situation as dangerous or stressful and you don’t believe you can handle it, your anxiety will be high and your nervous system in fight-or-flight mode…. potentially chronically.
Therefore, navigating social anxiety is about lowering your level of perceived stress and strengthening your confidence in your ability to handle life and social interactions, however nourishing or awkward they might be.
Here are the most important insights I’ve formed, and some practical techniques rooted in NLP and mindfulness that have helped me navigate social anxiety.
1. Practice self-awareness.
The first step in overcoming social anxiety is developing self-awareness. Take time to reflect on the situations that trigger your anxiety. Is it speaking in public, meeting new people, or being at work or in general? Or being the center of attention? By clearly identifying these triggers and their contexts, you can begin to understand the underlying thought patterns and beliefs that contribute to your anxiety.
Practice somatic awareness: Where do you feel those sensations in your body? What colors are they and what texture do they have, if any? Are they warm or cold, stuck or moving? Take a deep breath and allow those feelings to be felt and flow, without judging them.
Be compassionate with yourself, with your emotions, with the different parts showing up in those moments. Overcoming social anxiety takes time, compassion, and the willingness to change!
2. Get curious about your habitual thinking patterns and limiting beliefs.
There are underlying beliefs and habitual thinking patterns underneath the fear of being around people. Ask yourself:
• What about being around others makes you anxious? Is it a fear of judgment or rejection?
• Are you imagining the worst that could happen?
• What beliefs are creating this internal response?
• What do you think it would it say about you if you could not form a good connection with others during interactions?
• Do you trust others?
• Do you trust yourself to be able to handle the situation and whatever comes up? If not, what limiting beliefs underly your mistrust?When you recognize that your fear stems from untrue beliefs, it reduces the perceived danger of the social interaction and increases your perceived ability to handle it.
3. Reframe unhelpful self-talk.
Unhelpful self-talk can be a relentless companion for individuals with social anxiety. NLP encourages us to challenge and reframe these negative thoughts and limiting beliefs into more empowering ones.
For instance, instead of thinking, “Everyone will judge me,” reframe it as, “People are just people, looking for real connection just like me.”
Instead of imagining the worst that could happen, see the interaction’s potential: an opportunity for fun, learning, and connection.
Transcend your internal dialogue with outward curiosity: What am I interested in learning from this or that person?
After a social interaction, instead of ruminating about the potential silliness of the things you said or did not say, and how people might have judged you, release the need to be validated by others. And celebrate that you put yourself out there and the moments when you were present and had fun. Replace your inner critic with your inner cheerleader, your inner best friend.
The next suggestions are approaches to learn to master your state of being and therefore increase your perceived ability to handle the social interactions.
4. Use mindful awareness and breathing techniques.
During the social event or interaction, if you feel triggered or overwhelmed, stay tuned in to your body, your breath. If you need a short break, take the time to recharge alone for a few minutes (in an outdoor area, on a patio, maybe in the restroom…). Take a few deep breaths. Remember your reframes, set an intention for joy and connection, remember people are just people, and go back in there!
5. Access and develop your self-confidence.
NLP utilizes the concept of anchoring to associate a specific physical or mental state with confidence and calmness.
Identify a moment when you felt truly confident and at ease. Relive that experience vividly in your mind and body, focusing on the positive emotions and sensations associated with it. Amplify that state by adding colors, sound, and smells to the movie you are creating in your mind. Then, create an anchor, such as touching your thumb and index finger together, to trigger those feelings whenever you need them before or during the social event.
6. Try mental rehearsal visualization.
This is a powerful tool in NLP that allows us to mentally rehearse social situations and build confidence. Imagine yourself engaging in a social event with ease, grace, and enjoyment. Visualize positive interactions, with you feeling relaxed and radiating confidence. By repeatedly practicing this visualization exercise, you can train your mind to associate social situations with positive outcomes.
7. Adopt a powerful body language.
Our body language communicates more than words ever can. In social situations, pay attention to your posture, breathing, and facial expressions. Stand tall, maintain relaxed breathing, and make eye contact. By adopting a powerful physiology, you not only project confidence to others but also influence your own state of mind.
8. Gradually increase your exposure to social situations.
While it may be tempting to avoid social situations altogether, facing your fears is crucial for overcoming social anxiety and living a full life. You want to allow yourself to enjoy the social interactions that you actually deeply want to be part of.
Gradually expose yourself to increasingly challenging social scenarios. Start with small steps, such as striking up conversations with strangers or attending social gatherings with trusted friends. As you accumulate positive experiences, your confidence will naturally grow.
9. Be mindful of your language patterns.
NLP emphasizes the importance of using language patterns that establish rapport and foster positive connections. Practice active listening, ask open-ended questions, and show genuine interest in others. By focusing on the needs and perspectives of those around you, you shift your attention away from your own anxiety and create a supportive social environment.
10. Nourish your nervous system.
Remember that anxiety in the body is created by your thought patterns and beliefs, which are creating a chronic fight-and-flight mode within your nervous system. It is paramount that you regulate your nervous system with activities that nourish it on a daily basis: yoga, nature, walks, sleep, nourishing food… Make this a priority if it’s not already. This will make a huge difference in your life and how you manage your perceived stress and, therefore, your anxiety.
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Even the most deeply introverted personalities need social interaction. We are humans. We need others; we need connection to live wholesomely. It is a basis for our well-being and happiness, so it’s important to learn to transcend your social anxiety and balance your need for solitude with social connection.
This might be hard to do on your own, and that’s okay. You can always find a therapist or coach to support you in your journey to freedom from your limiting beliefs and mind patterns.
Take a deep breath, implement these strategies, be kind to yourself, and get out there!
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When the People We Love Shut Us Out: What I Now Understand
“Have patience that is all unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like closed rooms, like books written like a foreign language.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke
I started thinking about a distant relative on a walk in the woods. I had thought about her more often when she suddenly stopped speaking to our family, well over a decade ago. I would reach out to her through email, but after not hearing back over the years, I thought about her less and less and eventually stopped trying to connect with her.
On this particular walk, I began to think of a common theme in my family where we can go years without talking and wondered how that legacy originated and has been passed on through the generations.
I thought about Christmas Day, when I was a child watching my mother cry begging her sister on the phone to talk to her. I never did learn the details of why they didn’t talk.
I’ve heard stories of my grandmother and her sister not talking for decades until the end of their life, when they forgot the past and moved on. Nobody told me why, and from what I understand, they even forgot what transpired to decades lost.
It reminds me of the time that I stood at my father’s desk as a little girl trying to talk to him, but there was no answer. I thought that I did something wrong, and whatever it was, I told myself that it was my fault.
I’ve heard stories over the years of my father and his sister not talking and then reuniting years before he passed away. They both loved each other dearly at the time of his death.
This reminds me of my own familial relationships. When people get mad in my family, or if you make a mistake or go against the norm, they ice you out for weeks, months, and often years. I’ve also learned to go quiet and stop engaging as a way to care for myself and protect myself from the pain, confusion, and heartache. Often there is no avenue to communicate anyway. I’ve learned it is better to keep quiet and keep the pain close and private than to deal with the fallout of trying to communicate.
So, on this particular day, for no special reason that I knew of other than she came to mind in the quiet and magic of the woods, I texted her to let her know that I was thinking of her.
She responded immediately.
“What made you reach out?” she asked.
“I was thinking of you and wanted you to know that I loved you,” I replied.
“This means more to me than you know,” she replied. “Would you ever consider talking?” she asked.
I replied, “Of course.”
“How should we start?” she asked.
I said, “Let’s just pick up the phone and start there.”
We made a date for a few days later to talk.
I learned in that conversation that she was in a crisis, a full-blown meltdown; the rug had been pulled out from underneath her. She had nowhere to live, and the one person who was center in her life was not well. She hadn’t slept in days and was scared that the place she considered home wasn’t an option any longer, nor safe.
As I listened to the details of the sad, disappointing, and devastating loss she’d experienced in the past few months, I could hear her panic, fear, and desperation.
Underneath the panic, worry, and grief, I heard her sweet and soothing voice that I often turned to in my twenties for guidance. I felt that part of my heart that missed her and wished that she had been a part of my life for the past years. Yet, in those hours of our first conversation, I knew that something had changed; something was different.
She was fifteen years older, which would now make her seventy-seven years old.
Between her taking notes of what I said, forgetting words to explain certain details, and seeming generally confused, my intuition told me there was something else happening.
We began talking every day, and when I saw that she didn’t have anywhere to go and needed in-person support, I reached out to my family and enlisted their help due to proximity of where she lived.
In just a few weeks, we managed to eventually get her to my mom’s home, where she could settle, feel safe, and get her bearings. We could also get a better sense if my intuition was accurate.
She arrived at my mom’s home by a sheer miracle and divine interventions: phone calls that served as a map app, hotels with no vacancies, and finally an airplane trip my brother-in-law made to pick her up and drive her to safety.
After a few days, I learned that what I had sensed was true. Yes, the rug had been pulled out from underneath her and life felt as if it were crumbling, but she was also experiencing early signs of memory loss, confusion, and cognitive delays that were not necessarily symptoms of the stress.
I received a call from someone that questioned me and challenged me for being so forgiving when she’d just vanished and didn’t want to be a part of our lives for years. I haven’t thought of myself as forgiving, but merely understanding.
What I have come to understand in my adult years is that people shut down, withdraw, or go quiet as a form of protection. It’s a way to survive, to keep it all together, but most importantly, it’s a way to shield ourselves from pain and hurt that is hard to feel or give language to.
As a young girl, I internalized that when people didn’t talk to me, I’d done something to cause it; that it must have been me. I can still get paralyzed with the fear of causing a rupture in a relationship with someone that I love.
Sometimes the pain is so great that it leaves me breathless, unable to speak. I’ve gone quiet with my mother for many years of my adult life, my sisters, and my extended family. I also see it in others in my family who shut down and don’t talk.
We create stories about the people that don’t talk. They are ice cold; they are punishing and selfish.
I just don’t see it that way.
I learned that when my father couldn’t talk, he was in a great deal of pain that stemmed back to losing his mother at a young age with no warning that she was ill, even though his father knew. No one ever spoke about the loss of his mother, and yet he shared that he yearned for motherly love. My dad had a sweet and tender heart that was broken.
I learned that my dad didn’t have the words to talk, express, and emote because often our families who came before us, that they were born into, didn’t have the privileges of therapy, support groups, psychological books, or any other form of self-help or understanding of child development or the psyche. Often, the generations before us were surviving. There wasn’t space to allow for feelings; they learned to shut down their pain and not talk.
I learned from my mother’s side of the family that pain and feelings aren’t spoken about. You don’t share or give language to hurt; you shut it down. But when you shut it down, it often comes out sideways and it’s hard to tell what is what.
When children grow up in environments where they can’t feel, it has long-lasting implications on their hearts. They wonder: Do I have the right to feel? Is something wrong with me? How can I make this go away? Can I trust what I am feeling? What’s the best way to shut this down?
My mother also lost her dad in high school. All she wanted was to get away and be free from the pain. But when I ask her questions to learn more, she can’t totally remember her motivations except to say she wanted to leave.
In the little details I have about the other spells of not talking, underneath all of them was hurt, pain, and disappointment that goes back in time through the generations.
While it hurts when people cut off communication and can feel completely personal, there is often a mixture of causes and conditions that have very little to do with us personally. There is something tender that got touched, that they haven’t had air or space to be with. The person is reacting to that history of pain rather than us completely.
And when we decide to cut off communication or go quiet, the same is true for us. We, too, have tender places that have been exiled off that haven’t had time and space for the heartbreak to be felt.
Sometimes it can make all the difference to reach out from a place of care and curiosity, even if it’s just to say, “Thinking of you.” And sometimes we just need to be patient while they work through their pain and get to a place where they’re comfortable opening up again.
Healing heartbreak is a lifelong process that ebbs and flows. There isn’t a timeline. There isn’t a destination. There are causes and conditions that are seen and unseen that help us along the way.
I see that love is the cure. I see this with the woman I called in the woods. I see this with my own broken heart.
Love the causes and conditions that each heart holds that are unseen by the other. Love the complexity of our own hearts that we may not fully understand.
Simply love the mystery of human beings and all the heart holds from the generations before us that did their best.
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How I Found a Beautiful Purpose by Giving Up the Search
“You and your purpose in life are the same thing. Your purpose is to be you.” ~George Alexiou
We all play a pivotal role in society. But I’ve toyed with the New Age spiritual notion that we all have a unique purpose on Earth to fulfill—a purpose for which we have chosen to be here.
I used to wonder if I could only be happy if I found this one resounding and elusive purpose.
If I knew my soul’s purpose, I believed my life would suddenly have endless meaning and vitality. Once I found my purpose, I would leap out of bed every morning and dance around the kitchen, singing as I made my morning coffee. Because my soul had found its purpose, I’d have everlasting joy and fulfillment.
So, like so many before me, I started to seek. Seek, search, and seek some more. Years and years of it. Countless sleepless nights. Thousands of the same personality quizzes and career quizzes. “What should I do with my life?” quizzes. Can anyone else relate, or was this just me?!
On top of this, I was dissecting my astrology natal chart. Calculating my life path number in numerology. Doing a million courses to kickstart my new life.
It was exhausting and relentless.
And can I tell you what I found after years of seeking, questioning, fumbling, stumbling, searching, forming realizations, and having epiphanies? I found immense confusion.
And you know what happens when one domino falls? That small, single impact creates a river of destruction, consuming everything else in its path.
So, in innocently seeking meaning and purpose, I ended up finding severe, debilitating anxiety. Month-long panic attacks. I was brutally wounded by depression. I felt deep pangs of loneliness and helplessness, and I also developed a constant need to know how everything in my life would turn out.
There were nights when I prayed that I would fall asleep and never wake up again because I felt helpless, unimportant, and utterly useless. I felt like I had failed at life. Failed at being a human. I couldn’t find a purpose or meaning in life, so why should I be here? I didn’t deserve to be here.
I constantly needed to seek more answers, read more self-help books, do more “find your purpose” workshops, and hire more life coaches to gain more qualifications. I developed an incessant need to find what I was supposed to be doing with my life. Because I felt entirely worthless and inherently unlovable without it.
Why could I just not find happiness or joy? Why could I not see this one thing I was supposed to do in my lifetime?
I was seventeen when I discovered the spiritual self-help path. All the crystals, the angel’s cards, and the yoga community felt so good back then. It felt like a secret, magical, alternative world I had found.
However, now, after ten years of going down this route, I sometimes wonder if it’s brought me more harm than good.
I missed out on a massive chunk of my life when I could have been going with the flow, allowing my life to naturally unfold. Instead, I became paralyzed by and obsessed with this notion of finding purpose and meaning in my life.
Then one day a coach asked me why I needed to keep searching. What did she mean “NEEDED to”?!
It hadn’t occurred to me that this was all a choice. I thought it was something I was obliged to find.
I realized that my need to obsessively devour information about my identity and my purpose was actually an attempt to cover a huge, gaping wound.
The wound that said, “I am not worthy as I am; I am not enough as I am. I am not lovable as I am.”
*Mic Drop*
This realization touches a deep chord inside most of the human population. It is drilled into us from childhood that we must achieve, do, create, and pursue to be worthy.
Whether that’s the dream body, the dream job, the dream car, or the dream house. Taking X amount of vacations or having Y number of children.
Society today is like a tug of war. We are pulled in every direction. Told that every choice available is right and wrong.
“Get this latest electric car; gas is out of date. You’ve got to go to college to be successful. No, don’t; be an entrepreneur and start a business instead. Every body is a bikini body… but you’re lazy if you don’t work out at the gym. Get married young and have kids before it’s too late! Actually, wait until you are older and wiser until you settle down. Travel the world, but save all your money. Invest as early as you can to prepare for the future. But also, life is short; we could all die tomorrow, so always live today like it’s your last!”
AHHHHHHH!
And we wonder why we are living in an age of confusion!
Finding our own truth and unique pathway in this society is the hardest thing we can do.
That’s why so many people are being roped into this fantasy that we will be happy once we achieve all these things, including finding a purpose. The purpose is another thing we can reach to make us feel fulfilled.
I realized I was trying to put a plaster on a wound the size of the gap between two tectonic plates.
I decided that instead of continuing to search, I would give up on everything I’d been following for the past ten years. It was scary. This path was all I had ever walked down. What did it mean to stop seeking? What would I do if I didn’t need to find a purpose? Would I be lost? Would I feel fulfilled? Would life have no meaning, or maybe would I just melt into fragments of my own self-loathing for giving up?
Despite all this fear and uncertainty, I knew it was my only option.
I was tired. My nervous system was fried, my brain was scrambled, and I was done. I was just fully done.
So I decided to stop paying my life savings to coaches and doing every course and qualification I could find. I stopped reading self-help books. I stopped fretting about everything that I put in my body. I just started doing whatever I wanted to do. It was the most liberating thing I’ve ever done.
Most importantly, I stopped listening to anyone else telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing. The only opinion that mattered was my own.
Slowly but surely, within this liberation, I started to find some peace. A peace I hadn’t fully experienced before regarding the direction of my life. I started becoming more open to allowing life to naturally unfold. Allowing opportunities and ideas to present themselves as and when I was ready.
Obviously, I am human, and I am still very much on my everlasting healing journey. There are so many days when I still try to control, grasp, and plan the future and make everything less uncertain. However, once you start to embrace uncertainty, you can look forward to the unknown because you realize that uncertain things aren’t always negative things. In fact, uncertainty can be exciting.
If we knew everything we needed to know, there would be nothing left to explore.
What if the purpose of it all was to get to know yourself? Build yourself. Strengthen yourself. Cultivate a human being you are proud of. Or just a human being that you love and are compassionate toward.
And I don’t mean proud of what you own or do. Proud of who you are. Do you like yourself as a human being? Where is there room for improvement? Are you kind? Do you listen carefully when others speak? Are you patient or gracious? Do you have or want to build a relationship with God/the universe/the divine?
These are the huge life questions we could be asking ourselves. These things give us more self-love and purpose than anything else. And best of all, it’s sustainable and everlasting. These things can’t be taken away from us once cultivated.
What if the purpose of every human life was just to have a human life?
What if our purpose is just to be here? Now. As we are. Experiencing the full spectrum of the human experience.
The joy, the grief, the pain, the peace, the sadness, anger, and happiness, the laughs and the cries, the profound pain of grieving the loss of a loved one when your heart feels like it will explode out of your chest and paint the world in darkness. To feel the joys and tummy-rupturing combined with howling cackles of laughter shared between friends.
Being human is to feel. And to love and to express.
What if the sole purpose of us being here is to experience that fully?
This isn’t found in buying your dream car or house, but it can be if you want it to. It’s not necessarily found in a career or traveling the world, but it can be that if you want it too!
That’s the beauty of this life! You can do whatever you want to do! And you should.
If that means working as little as possible and devoting time to your hobbies, then do it. If that’s striving to become the next billionaire, then do it.
But remember to experience being human on the way.
Don’t forget that the only satisfaction you’ll get in life is when you befriend and master your internal world.
I started journaling around this topic and asking myself questions that drew out who I wanted to be in this life. Here are four statements and questions that have helped me.
1. Change the question from “What do I want to DO in this life?” to “Who do I want to BE in this life?” It’s a simple but profound alteration.
2. Change “What is my purpose?” to “Do I want to impact the world while I’m in it? If yes, what cause means the most to me, and how can I make a little contribution?” Maybe you join an activist group or start signing petitions.
3. Ask yourself where you would go and what you would do if you were unlimited. The answer here indicates your true pleasures and enjoyments. Try incorporating more of them into your life if you can.
4. What would you do if you could do any job in the world? Or if money were no issue, how would you live your life? How would you fill your days? Most people think they would lie on a beach all day drinking. But I promise you, day in and day out, that gets old really fast.
So spend time really thinking about this. What would you actually do? What would you want to do with all that spare time? This indicates what you would be doing if you didn’t let limiting beliefs get in the way and shows you what you would choose to do if you had time and freedom.
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My personal answers to these questions were to spend time in nature. Be with animals at a sanctuary and travel the world volunteering. Learn all about new cultures and study philosophy and esoteric topics.
I realized I had to realign my life. I didn’t have to seek something external. I needed to alter the train tracks of my life so that it was pointing to my north star again.
No pressure, no more seeking. No more searching (in this context). However, I do love to learn, read, and study.
But by giving everything up and rejecting all that I thought I ‘should be,’ I found my way home to the things I already am.
They are simple, humble, and honest. I no longer feel I need to change the world to be worthy of love. Or achieve huge, great milestones to be seen as successful.
Doing the simple, little things that make life worth living does the job and is already more than enough.
These things may grow and change with me as I evolve. And that’s wonderful. Purpose is not a fixed destination. Purpose is a journey; you carry it with you, and it changes as you grow and change.
All you need to do is check your internal compass on where you want to go next.
