Tag: wisdom
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7 Steps to Deconstruct Your Anger So It No Longer Controls You
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~Buddha
For as long as I can remember I’ve struggled with anger.
My earliest memories of my anger are from junior high school, but it was around much earlier than that.
The only emotion that was ever shown in my house growing up was anger. My dad had an anger problem, and my mother showed no emotion at all. This is what emotional normal looked like to me—either nothing or anger.
I was the quiet, reserved kid, keeping my emotions locked away. I buried my feelings, especially the touchy ones, trying to hide any expression of vulnerability. Not knowing what to do with my feelings other than ignore them.
It was obvious to the teachers that paid attention and cared that I was hurting, and my anger showed it, but I didn’t know it. I was sarcastic and had an edge to the way I talked and interacted with others. One day, while standing in line to leave the classroom, I got bumped from behind, and without hesitation, I turned around and punched the kid behind me to the floor.
As I went through my twenties trying to figure who I was and what my place in this world could be, anger spewed out of me at unexpected and awkward times. It confused others, but it was all normal to me.
It wasn’t until I got fired from a job because I was too confrontational toward the owner that I started to see my anger as more about me than others or my circumstances.
One of my favorite sayings that best describes my view of my anger back then is, “I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!”
Acknowledging my problem with anger wasn’t easy. It required admitting shortcomings and facing deeper issues within myself, something I’d worked years to avoid. But I finally realized and accepted that my future relationships, happiness, and mental health depended upon understanding and resolving those feelings and beliefs.
My First Step in Healing – Not as Easy as I’d Hoped
The journey toward healing started with self-reflection and seeking support. Ironically, this journey to understand myself began as I was completing my undergraduate degree in psychology.
I found a psychologist to help me unravel the complex emotions I’d been suppressing for so many years. I’ll admit, I was hoping he’d give me a few quick tips and tricks to keep my anger under control and send me on my way.
No such luck.
He explained that to truly resolve anger issues, I had to:
- Deconstruct my anger response
- Create a healthy framework for processing my feelings
- Learn new methods for communicating and expressing emotions
The process wasn’t as quick and easy as I’d wanted.
What It Looks Like to Deconstruct Your Anger
Deconstructing your anger means breaking apart and examining the elements that have created it.
The process requires analyzing and understanding the underlying factors, triggers, and emotions contributing to your anger and its eruptions. Although it takes work and a hard look at some ugly parts of yourself, doing this leads to the effective management of all emotions, which is an essential skill for happiness.
The key steps for deconstructing your anger are:
1. Evaluating past experiences
Past experiences and traumas contribute to how you respond to certain situations and influence the formation of anger. Reflecting on these experiences can help you recognize patterns and triggers.
For me, it was the influence of my father. He was both emotionally disconnected from our family and blisteringly angry. Any response could be cold or hot, or simultaneously both.
Unknowingly, like every kid, I was psychologically influenced by him. And although I would have told you I wasn’t going to be anything like him, it turned out that I followed in his footsteps (until my thirties when I began to really do this work).
2. Understanding your emotions
Anger is a complex emotion that often masks other feelings. Fear, sadness, frustration, and hurt are all difficult feelings to face. For many, including me, it was easier to get angry than deal with the intensity of these feelings I didn’t know how to face or process.
These emotions also created feelings of vulnerability and weakness in me that I didn’t want to see, experience, or admit to. And I certainly didn’t want to show them to anyone else.
But examining these underlying emotions is a necessity for understanding anger and learning how to lessen and control it.
3. Identifying your triggers
Everyone has things that trigger a seemingly automatic emotional response. Identifying triggers, the emotion that follows a trigger, and how your anger rescues that emotion is crucial.
Triggers can be external (e.g., someone’s actions, words, situations, or events) or internal (e.g., negative thoughts or memories).
When I looked closely, I discovered that most of my triggers involved my expectations of others. One such expectation is rule following—doesn’t everybody know you don’t drive slow in the fast lane? Or that you treat others the way you want to be treated?
4. Analyzing responsive thoughts
Most of us have reinforced certain thought patterns. And these thoughts significantly influence our emotions and emotional response. Deconstructing anger involves examining these thoughts and the resulting emotions that fuel your anger.
For instance, are you jumping to conclusions, catastrophizing, or personalizing situations? If so, your emotional response may be disproportionate or even inappropriate for the situation.
I began to understand that my expectations led me to make assumptions about others that were incorrect. If you look in the rearview mirror when driving and think about how your speed is impacting other drivers, you’d move to the right, but some people don’t use their mirrors and aren’t aware of what’s going on around them. They should, but they don’t.
Changing my expectation that everyone drives like me helped me reduce the buildup of anger.
5. Assessing responsive behavior
Responsive thoughts often initiate responsive emotions and behaviors, such as getting angry. By examining your behavioral responses and how they impact your relationships, and others in general, you’ll better understand why it’s helpful to consider new and healthier alternatives.
I realized that my inclination toward aggressive driving was a result of my anger at others for not following the “rules,” and this was only fueling more anger and negatively impacting me, not changing anyone else.
6. Exploring new coping mechanisms
If you’re struggling with anger issues, your current coping mechanisms for the deep emotions that trigger anger aren’t working. You need to find more constructive ways to respond to and express your feelings. Doing so will help break the negative thought-behavior cycle.
Part of my process was to write down what triggered me, along with my responsive thoughts and behaviors. Looking at them on paper and away from the emotion of the moment allowed me to see them accurately as unhelpful and unhealthy for me.
I could then write out a more balanced and healthier response. Once on paper, I would practice those more positive responses, and then weekly look back and reread what I’d originally written and my new better coping response to assess my progress.
7. Setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care
Recognizing your limits and establishing healthy boundaries will help prevent you from being drawn into situations that trigger anger. It’s also critical to prioritize self-care to ensure that you have the emotional resources to handle challenging situations.
One of the more effective practices for me is walking away for a few minutes when I feel my frustration or anger rising. By removing myself from a triggering situation I am better able to refocus more on myself internally and less on the external situation.
These steps aren’t an overnight fix and really need to become a life-long practice. But by following these steps to deconstruct your own anger you’ll gain self-awareness and emotional intelligence that can empower you to respond to difficult emotions more constructively.
The Transformative Result of Deconstructing My Anger
As I worked through these steps, I was able to develop and incorporate new ways to cope with my emotions.
This path of personal growth coincided with my pursuit of multiple degrees in psychology. So, as I learned how to help others change, I was able to first help myself change. Now I’m the doctor giving the advice, which comes from years of training as well as my own personal experience.
Mindfulness and internal reflection have allowed me to respond to my feelings with greater emotional intelligence. I’ve learned to recognize my triggers and the warning signs of building anger in the moment and implement calming techniques as a response before an eruption.
But perhaps the most profound transformation came from learning to show kindness and compassion toward myself. I am now able to acknowledge my mistakes, forgive myself, accept that I am a work in progress, and recognize the need for regular emotional check-ins with myself.
Deconstructing my anger has opened the door to my being more understanding and patient with others. The process has also helped me better empathize with my patients, as I’ve sat where they sit and done the work I recommend they do too.
I still feel anger at times—it’s a natural emotion, and it can be beneficial in certain situations. I will always be more prone to it than others. But anger doesn’t control my life or negatively impact my relationships any longer.
My journey toward addressing my anger issues has been long and challenging, but it’s also been profound and life-changing. We all carry burdens, and we heal and grow through acknowledging and addressing them.
Deconstructing your anger can be a transformative process, empowering you to understand your emotions better and respond to them more effectively. Remember, although anger is a natural part of being human, how you choose to manage it determines its impact on your life and the lives of others around you.
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How I Created My Own Roadmap for Happiness When I Was Feeling Lost in Life
“Doing what you like is freedom, liking what you do is happiness.” ~Frank Tyger
Life is a web of uncertainty, where we often believe we are on the right path, only to realize we’ve been wandering down the wrong road all along. Ever been there? Thinking you have your whole life planned out? Deciding to go after the things that you think will make you happy, only to end up disappointed on the other side? If so, I completely understand how you feel.
There’s no definitive map leading to a happy or fulfilled life. There is no right or wrong way. Society provides us with predefined milestones like graduation, marriage, and homeownership, but what if these conventional goals don’t bring true happiness to you?
Let me be the first to say, there is nothing wrong with these goals, but for some, these goals feel out of alignment with what we want for ourselves in our lives.
Two years ago, I found myself relentlessly questioning my existence. “What am I even doing with my life?” Not in the conventional way of needing a new career or relationship, but more in an existential crisis of “ I was put here for a reason, but for what?”
These nagging thoughts became loud and urged me to search for an alternative path, a life less conventional, one completely out of my comfort zone and brimming with excitement. It was time to embrace the nomadic spirit and embark on a journey of self-discovery. We decided we were ready to sell everything we owned and go on the road in an RV, living off savings at first.
The decision was made, we sold our stuff, bought our trailer, and we hit the open road, ready to explore our country and uncover its mysteries. But life had other plans.
On the day we set off, tragedy struck; my father passed away unexpectedly. I had made it six hours away before I received the devastating news. We immediately pulled over in the middle of nowhere to decide our next move. Sitting at a truck stop in Wisconsin, shocked and heartbroken, I questioned my choices once again. “What am I doing with my life? Why is this happening right now?”
Amidst the shock and grief, I knew I had to press on. I couldn’t change what had happened, and I couldn’t afford to dwell on it; I had to keep moving forward.
My dad had been thrilled about my next adventure. He was so proud of me for taking a big leap and for embracing all the experiences this country had to offer. Right before he died, he told me to come back with good stories and I intend to do so in his honor. And so, our nomadic journey began, and over the course of the next year, it transformed our lives in ways we couldn’t have imagined.
Some may perceive traveling as escapism, a way to flee from reality. However, our journey became an awakening, a confrontation with the deepest aspects of our lives and minds. On the road, we reevaluated our priorities, understanding what truly mattered and what needed to be left behind. It provided the space for self-reflection and growth, shedding the limitations that had held us back for so long including some we didn’t even know existed.
Routine, we discovered, was a thief that stole our precious time. Staying within the comfort zone deprived us of rich experiences, and a scarcity mindset barred us from seizing opportunities. But breaking free from these so-called chains was liberating, enabling us to find ourselves in ways we never thought possible. We started living a little more for the unexpected parts of our lives versus relying on our routine to keep us going.
In the face of life’s challenges—including health and legal issues on top of the loss of my father—we discovered the so-called secret to happiness. It wasn’t about avoiding adversity; it was about embracing life fully, no matter the circumstances. To choose to perceive that in each moment something positive can come out of it and recognizing that happiness was within my grasp.
Now, after a year on the road, our priorities have shifted dramatically. Keeping up with societal expectations no longer appeals to me. Instead, I crave a slower, more intentional life—a life where I immerse myself in the present, valuing experiences over material possessions, and forming meaningful connections with others.
You may wonder how to infuse your everyday life with happiness without embarking on a nomadic adventure. Here are a few of our suggestions.
Embrace playfulness.
Rediscover the joy of being childlike. Engage in activities that bring out your playful side, whether it’s snowboarding, climbing trees, or observing lizards. These moments of play can rejuvenate your spirit.
Embrace challenges.
Dare to step out of your comfort zone. Trying something new, whether it’s a sport, a course, or a skill, broadens your perspective and encourages growth.
Cultivate gratitude.
Seek out things to be thankful for, no matter how small they may seem. Gratitude transforms your outlook on life and truly allows you to remember how much you already have.
Embrace novelty.
Break free from the shackles of routine. Seek out new experiences, whether it’s trying a different meal at your favorite restaurant, exploring new places in your town, or trying one new activity each week.
Life can be bewildering, but it’s through shaking up our approach to living that we find our way back to ourselves and happiness. Living fully is a choice, a conscious decision to seek joy in the face of challenges, grief, and routine. So, no matter where life leads you, embrace it with open arms and choose to live out loud over and over again.
Since we hit the road, our new mantra is to live well by exploring more. Exploring more love, more intentions, more connections, and more experiences that light our souls on fire. For us, we have decided to create our own definition of happiness each and every day, and you can too.
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You Can Rise Up from Anything
Tiny Buddha’s 2024 Day-to-Day Calendar is now available for purchase! Stay inspired, motivated, and encouraged with a year of uplifting quotes on happiness, relationships, change, meaning, mindfulness, self-care, and more. Get it here.
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Why I Give Without Expectations (and Don’t Think It’s a “Toxic Trait”)
“Some of the kindest souls I know have lived in a world that was not so kind to them. Some of the best human beings I know have been through so much at the hands of others, and they still love deeply, they still care. Sometimes, it’s the people who have been hurt the most who refuse to be hardened in this world, because they would never want to make another person feel the same way they have felt. If that isn’t something to be in awe of, I don’t know what is.” ~Bianca Sparacino
I recently came across a meme that implied that helping someone who would not do the same for you is a “toxic trait.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about this meme.
At first, I could totally relate to this; it doesn’t seem fair to give of yourself, your valuable time and resources, to individuals who wouldn’t be bothered to ever do the same in return.
But then I dove a little deeper into that thought.
Friends and family in my own life have accused me of having this “toxic trait,” especially regarding how I help people who have been unkind to me; people who have cheated on or wronged me.
While it’s certainly true, on the surface, and a lot of us are probably “guilty” of giving more than we receive or giving to people who, as illustrated, “wouldn’t do the same” for us, I don’t consider this to be a toxic trait, in the worst sense.
Let me tell you why…
When my ex-husband, a man who has arguably caused the most pain and upheaval in my life and in the lives of my children and family, comes to me with a need, most everyone around me encourages me to dismiss it out of spite or “karmic balance.”
But when I don’t, and instead help when I can, they get angry with me or seem disappointed, as though I have wasted myself and my time on someone unworthy of it.
I used to have this little cross-stitch hanging on my wall that read “People who need love the most deserve it the least.” That’s always stuck with me. Best $1.50 I ever spent at a thrift shop for home décor.
All of us, at some point in time (maybe once, maybe on more than one occasion), have been the person “who would not do the same,” the unworthy one.
Let’s be honest, even the most philanthropic of us can be choosy sometimes with who we give our time, attention, money, and energy to. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, to be considerate of where you spend those treasures.
But my guess is that we all have benefitted from the kindness of someone we wouldn’t necessarily return the kindness to. But maybe we paid it forward to someone else.
If we’re living a decent life, the number of those instances will be small.
But they’re still not zero.
So when we give of ourselves, maybe unknowingly—but even better, with the knowledge that it will not come back to us—we are making a choice to give purely.
Does it sometimes drain us? Yes. And that’s certainly an aspect that needs attention; to replenish oneself in order to give is important.
But is it a toxic trait to be good to someone without the expectation of getting anything in return?
Some of history’s greatest and most outstanding human beings have done just that. Mother Theresa comes to mind, for instance.
I don’t buy into the narrative that giving is toxic, nor is giving to someone who wouldn’t do the same for you.
Genuine, truthful, selfless kindness, that’s what this world needs a little more of—with the understanding that those who are giving need to take time to replenish themselves when necessary. To help without conditions, but rather in love and compassion; that’s the type of person I am trying to make a conscious effort to be.
We should definitely take time to reboot and fill our cups back up when we need to, absolutely. But no one should be faulted for trying to do better, to be bigger, for taking the high road.
We should all be encouraged to do so.
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A Little-Known Truth About People-Pleasing and How to Stop (for Good)
“Being a people-pleaser may be more than a personality trait; it could be a response to serious trauma.” ~Alex Bachert
Growing up in a home, school, and church that placed a lot of value on good behavior, self-discipline, and corporal punishment, I was a model child. There could have been an American Girl doll designed after me—the well-mannered church girl with a nineties hairbow edition.
I was quiet and pleasant and never got sent to the principal’s office. Complaining and “ugly” emotions were simply not allowed. Though I was very rambunctious and “rebellious” as a toddler, all of that was cleansed from my personality by the time I was school-aged.
I had no other choice. I felt unsafe in my body at the slightest hint that someone was upset with me. It was enough to tame my inner rebel, at least for many years.
I carried this pattern into adulthood. I found myself in jobs with supervisors who would fly off the handle at every opportunity. I worked extra hard, more than anyone else, to avoid getting in trouble. When my colleagues got yelled at over their mistakes, they laughed with amusement under their breath—but when the anger was directed at me, I was ridden with anxiety.
How could my coworkers brush off our manager’s anger, but I felt triggered for hours afterward?
It took me many years to learn the answer—that some of us are conditioned from a young age to develop a deep-seated fear of losing our sense of belonging and safety in our relationships. To cope with this fear, we develop strategies to safeguard ourselves, which for some, turns into a habit of people-pleasing.
There’s one clear common denominator for people-pleasers—feeling beholden to others. You put your needs last and feel obligated to manage everyone else’s happiness. You’re hypersensitive to being judged, shamed, and rejected. You worry about what other people think about you. You overextend yourself to be helpful. When you dare to stand up for yourself, you suffer from anxiety and guilt.
When you don’t address and change these patterns, you may eventually feel resentful, frustrated, and angry. It compromises your emotional and physical well-being and contributes to an overwhelming sense of powerlessness.
And it lights a blazing fire under your ass.
Because we aren’t responsible for juggling other people’s emotions.
We don’t owe anyone comfort.
We’re not a charity receptacle for others’ emotional venting, unhealed trauma, or misdirected anger.
Our time, energy, and well-being are not up for negotiation.
And we don’t deserve the guilt-tripping manipulation.
Truthfully, we cannot control how other people show up in our relationships, but we can change our patterns of powerlessness and take back our lives, and it doesn’t have to compromise our genuine desire to care for others.
Brain Ruts
It’s not a mystery what you should be doing in lieu of carrying the burden of responsibility that comes with people-pleasing.
You need to set boundaries, speak your truth, be more confrontational, use your voice to advocate for yourself, separate your feelings from others, and put your needs first.
Which begs the question—what’s getting in the way of you taking these steps?
Though you may feel the need to change your patterns through sheer willpower or more self-discipline, that isn’t the answer.
You don’t need to read useless books about how to “grab life by the horns” or “grow some balls” (ew, gross!).
You don’t need to muscle through debilitating anxiety or guilt.
You don’t need to give-up your generosity or empathy to take back your power in one-sided relationships.
You don’t need to be “thicker skinned” or less “sensitive.” (Your sensitivity is a gift.)
Here’s the little-known truth about people-pleasing—it’s a learned pattern that gets “turned on” in your unconscious mind over and over again.
Whether it’s avoiding conflict, freezing up when you need to speak your truth, or feeling guilty, people-pleasing is a survival strategy. And all survival strategies are a set of automated behaviors, thoughts, and emotions that repeatedly get turned on unconsciously.
In a sense, you’re not fully in control of how your people-pleasing habits show up. Which is why just “trying harder” doesn’t work, because you can’t beat the speed at which your unconscious mind is turning on patterns.
Ninety percent of how we show up in life is unconscious and based on our past. Your brain needs to save energy, so it’s automating your decisions, behaviors, and feelings for you. Think of your bad habits as brain ruts.
Every time a people-pleasing habit is presenting itself, your brain is riding down the same neural pathway, deepening the grooves, much like how a dirt path naturally forms over time if you keep walking over the grass.
This well-worn path appears to be safer and easier than walking through the wild, unruly grass, which feels unfamiliar, dangerous, and risky to deal with—you fear being judged, shamed, or rejected out there. Just the thought of standing up to your evil mother-in-law turns on the anxiety.
But you’ve reached a point where you long to be in the wild grass. It represents the life you could be living—taking up space, effortlessly putting your needs first, being in your pleasure, and feeling amazing in your emotional well-being.
So how do you take the leap into the metaphorical grassy field of your “hell yes” life?
By planting new seeds in your unconscious mind and watering them on a regular basis.
Planting Seeds
If people-pleasing wasn’t a problem for you anymore, what would be possible in your life?
Imagine a scenario where you’ve already reconfigured the pathways of your unconscious mind and you feel exactly how you want to feel, showing up exactly how you want to, and it’s just easy. You’re confident, powerful, and unapologetic.
Whose rules would you stop following?
What boundaries, enmeshed in barbed wire, would you put in place?
Whose misdirected emotions would you feel bulletproof against?
What responsibilities would you shamelessly give up?
What self-indulgence would you treat yourself to?
What truths would come spilling from your mouth? (Truths that are SO electric, that you feel you might burst if you don’t say them right now!)
There’s a reason it’s so intoxicating to fantasize about our ideal life. We’re wired to “believe” what we imagine because a part of our brain doesn’t know the difference between what is real and imaginary. It’s the same reason we get emotionally pulled into TV and movies. You do realize it’s acting, right?
When the critical thinking part of your mind goes quiet—as it does when you’re getting wrapped up in a good story—you’re accessing your unconscious mind, where all habits are formed. It’s where we’re most swayed, influenced, and sold on ideas.
To get out of a people-pleasing brain rut, you need to plant seeds in your unconscious mind to “influence” yourself to show up the way you want in your life. Done with repetition, these seeds help build new neural pathways, making it possible to be your best self at home, work, and in your community.
One of the most powerful ways to plant seeds is to visualize while in a deeply relaxed state of mind. Here are some tips on how to get started.
Start in the Right Frame of Mind
Visualization works best when you’re feeling relaxed and calm in your body. If you’re actively triggered, self-regulate your emotions before jumping into visualization.
One quick and easy way to do this is to combine a breathing exercise with stimulation of the acupressure points on your wrist. Grab one wrist with the opposite hand and squeeze. Take one big inhale, hold at the top of your inhale for a couple seconds, and then exhale twice as long. Repeat two to three times. Once you feel nice and grounded, find a quiet place without any interruptions so you can focus and go inward.
Get Specific
The brain works in very specific, finite ways. If you want to be a badass who lives life on your terms, what exactly does that look like? Imagine yourself in specific places, taking specific actions, feeling a certain way about it. Focus on actions like speaking your truth, confronting people, feeling confident, setting boundaries, etc.
Repetition Counts
Your mind needs enough new information on who you want to be in order to generalize the changes into your life. You don’t need to visualize for long periods of time—two to three minutes at a time is enough, but be sure to make it a part of your routine. Try starting with a handful of times a week.
Water the Seeds
Take real-life action that supports the person you’re becoming. Your brain and nervous system are always learning and adapting when you show up in new ways. It’s like providing the proof to yourself that yes, I can do this. Start with small steps. Choose places where you want to put yourself first and practice using your voice to advocate for yourself. Be tenacious about doing this work—the confidence and bravery you crave will naturally emerge.
