Tag: wisdom
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How My Divorce Was the Portal to My Greatest Dreams
“The way of love is not a subtle argument. The door there is devastation. Birds make great sky-circles of their freedom. How do they learn it? They fall, and falling, they are given wings.” ~Rumi
You can create your dream life from devastation.
I speak from first-hand experience.
On Thanksgiving Day, my husband knelt before me and said he didn’t think he loved me anymore and didn’t think he wanted to have children. He had flown in that day from our home in NYC to see me perform in a Christmas musical in Salt Lake City. Both being working actors, we hadn’t seen each other in weeks.
His unpacked suitcase was sitting in the living room, standing against the wall. And even though we had been trying to get pregnant for the last year and a half, I placed all of my attention on his specific word “think.”
It wasn’t an absolute!
He wasn’t coming to me and asking for a divorce, or saying he wanted out; he just didn’t “think” he wanted these things.
So, even though I felt like the ground was going to swallow me whole, I went into hyperdrive.
I was willing to do anything to stay in my marriage.
I finally confessed to my husband that I had an affair too. I had been keeping this secret inside of me for four years and told him I wasn’t in love with this other man, and the affair actually showed me I wanted to stay married to my husband.
It didn’t matter that my husband’s face darkened when I shared this. I was telling the truth finally and letting him know I wasn’t perfect and I knew how he felt.
I took my husband’s phone, found the number of the girl he was having an affair with, and told her to stop talking to him. I threatened her, saying I would tell everyone she was a husband stealer.
It didn’t matter that my husband went into a rage because I had contacted her. I felt justified. I was doing what was necessary.
The next day, on Black Friday, after my husband slept on the couch, I made him get on a plane back home.
It didn’t matter that, as working actors, we had spent most of the year away from each other or that I had felt panicked for months that something was wrong. He needed to go home, get his life together, and recommit to our marriage.
When I arrived home from my theater job weeks later, I immediately found a couples therapist so we could work this out.
It didn’t matter that my husband spent most of the time avoiding the deeper questions and refused to let his therapist speak to our couples’ therapist. I felt I was doing the right thing.
I could make it work.
I could turn this around.
So I called his parents and best friend, pleading with them to help convince him to stay. I then crawled under the pull-out couch and refused to come out until my husband said he loved me.
I stopped eating and locked myself in the bedroom. I canceled all our travel plans for the holidays so we could just be isolated at home together.
I even told the man I was having an affair with to never contact me again.
I could do this. Until our final couples therapy session, when instead of answering the question of why he wanted to leave the marriage, he just talked about how amazing his girlfriend was.
Each comment caused me to curl into the fetal position in agony. I had never felt so invisible in my life. He didn’t seem to see me shrink and break right beside him on the couch.
Nothing I was doing was working.
So, when we left the therapy office, I told my husband to go home and pack his bags.
I then hired our couples therapist as my own and went to the bookstore to buy a book on divorce.
And the first thing the therapist said to me was, “You must be exhausted.”
And something within me broke.
A dam that had been built for years holding my life together. Holding a lot of lies together.
The lie that we were happy.
The lie that we both wanted to have children and create a family.
The lie that we both wanted to grow as a couple.And the biggest lie of all—that it was my job alone to make this marriage work.
We were both such great actors in this marriage. I had always thought he was a better actor than me, but I suddenly realized my talent was far more advanced.
Sitting on my therapist’s couch, I wept. I wept in the way that I had needed to for years. I acknowledged that I had been the driving force in our marriage.
I had been the cheerleader, the motivator, and had done everything I could to ignore the fact that I wasn’t happy, and hadn’t been for a long time.
I allowed the dam to break and the water to flow finally.
I asked for help.
I stopped trying to control my marriage and let it fall apart.
The waves took me, shooting water up my nostrils and tossing me upside down. My whole body was submerged in the grief that I couldn’t stop.
I had to accept this was out of my control.
And then, when I was washed up on the shore, with my face down in the sand, my mouth opened and I took a breath.
Deeply.
And an image came forth.
An image of a family.
An image of a loving partner holding our child.
An image of all of us smiling with ease.And slowly, with great care, I lifted myself up and wrapped my arms around myself with love.
A love that had been missing in my marriage.
And I vowed to heal from my divorce and learn what it meant to be in a healthy relationship where I wasn’t trying to control everything.
The following year when Halloween arrived, I went to the store and saw a pair of white wings. I borrowed red clothes from some friends and dressed up as something entirely new.
A phoenix.
Placing the wings on my back, I felt my shoulders relax.
I was navigating the single scene for the first time in my life and was practicing something very radical for me.
Self-compassion.
Those wings were thrown away a few years later when I moved in with my fiancé, and replaced with red wings I wore the Halloween before we adopted our daughter.
“The way of love is not a subtle argument. The door there is devastation.”
That moment of being on your knees, of feeling like your heart is literally tearing apart in your chest, can actually be a portal to the life you have always desired.
Simply because, when our hearts are broken, we soften.
We become deeply vulnerable, and our guard comes down.
We may rail to the heavens shaking our fist and exclaiming, “This is NOT what I want!”
And in that moment, we can suddenly see what we DO want.
Because the situation we are in is so painful, there is actually this radical moment of honesty that can arise that wouldn’t have if we were still in the relationship.
Especially since when we are in relationships, we are usually spending all of our energy on staying in it.
But when it is slipping through our fingers and there is nothing we can do…then the real magic begins.
While going through a divorce after fifteen years of marriage was excruciating, it did light the fire within me for what I wanted more than anything, which was to create a family.
Because of that heartbreak, I gave my full energy to healing from the divorce so I could call in a very different man and marriage that would support a family.
The truth was, I was not living my dream life in my first marriage. I was just trying to make it work every day, and completely blind to the truth of my relationship.
Going through heartbreak can help you see the truth.
And finally learn that you are capable of creating what you most desire.
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5 Things I Did Because I Didn’t Feel Good Enough and What I Do Now Instead
“You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise Hay
Since I was a little girl, I believed there was something fundamentally wrong with me.
So I was always trying to find a way to fix myself and be worthy. To feel good enough.
No baby is born thinking they aren’t worthy, and neither was I—or you.
This came from our early beginnings.
I had a very traumatized dad, who I now understand was struggling with his own pain from his childhood.
He would lose his temper and torment me. Tell me I was nothing and no one. That I was unlovable. That nothing I did was good enough.
As children, we just believe our parents. We cannot understand or fathom why they would say these things to us if they weren’t true. So we internalize the belief of not being good enough or not worthy.
We all find our own way to survive this pain of not being seen or loved for who we truly are.
These are the five ways I tried to fix feeling unworthy but actually ended up ruining my life instead.
1. I tried to please and fix people.
I wanted to please my dad. In fact, I lived for it. Whether I was going to have a good day or bad day was all dependent on my parents’ moods. I was only okay if they were okay.
As an adult, this meant I gave my power away to people. I allowed them to take out their emotions on me, and I took responsibility for how they felt. I didn’t feel safe when people were upset, and I believed to my core everything was my fault because of this deep shame I was carrying.
This was all learned in my childhood and has a name—codependency. A great book to read is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. She explains in detail why we do this!
2. I got into toxic, codependent relationships.
I was a magnet for relationships where it was all about the other person’s needs and feelings. The codependency had left me so needless and wantless that we became the perfect match for each other! They wanted to be chased and adored. I (unconsciously) wanted to ignore my own needs.
I was used to chasing love in relationships without compassion and kindness and being blamed for how other people felt, so these toxic relationships felt normal for me.
A codependent’s wounds can attract a narcissist. Narcissists are also traumatized children, and these wounds create a trauma bond. I had this in friendships and romantic love. These relationships were never about me, and my low self-worth got lower and lower as a result.
They become almost my higher power. I was obsessed with meeting their needs. I thought if I could make them happy, they would choose me and then I would feel good enough.
Sadly, that never happened, and I just got exhausted and sick in the process.
3. I obsessed over fixing my body.
When your body is criticized in childhood, not just by a parent but by other traumatized family members and society, you conclude that it mustn’t be enough.
I went from a confident little girl twirling to someone who hid in the corners of a room in baggy clothes. I didn’t want to be seen or noticed in case someone shamed me for what I looked like. That stung!
So, instead of recognizing that other people had created this issue in me, I spent years abusing my body, through excessive exercise and dieting, to make it perfect. Then, when my body would change, people would still make comments on my imperfections, and I would emotionally eat to numb the pain.
I also overate because I didn’t really care about nourishing my body. I hated it so much. I felt like it was to blame for all these horrible things people would say about it. I never considered for one moment that hurt people hurt people.
4. I got myself into debt.
I worked from a very young age, but my dad didn’t allow me to access to the money I earned. He controlled how I spent it, which sent the message that I couldn’t be trusted with money. Safe to say, this didn’t create the healthiest relationship with money.
If I earned it, I felt uncomfortable holding on to it, so I would overspend. I was more comfortable rolling in debt, as that’s what I felt like I was worth. I would always be clearing debt, and then when I would have money again, I would do something to shift the balance once again. It was normal for me to be in these feast-famine cycles with money, kind of like my love life and my relationships with my parents. There one minute and gone the next!
5. I overworked and overachieved.
Since I was a little girl, I tried to do whatever I could to get my dad’s approval and love. One way to his heart was through education and achievement, so I went all in as a child and adult. Working long hours to pass my exams, applying for qualifications he wanted me to get, even though I had no interest in the subject areas. I learned very young to work lots because, if I didn’t, he would get angry with me, and that felt scary. So I did what I could to try to keep myself safe.
My dad has been gone for fifteen years, as he took his life in 2008, yet I still find myself doing this one! It’s part of my unconscious programming. When I feel unsafe or unworthy around work or even my business, I will push harder. I will forgo my own basic needs, like food and water, to meet a deadline.
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All of these characteristics are what we call “trauma adaptations”—ways my little brain learned to survive in an unpredictable environment. Between birth and seven especially, children should be nurtured so they can grow self-worth and self-belief. But children that grew up like me were too busy feeling terrified and surviving, so it’s no wonder we got older and struggled.
However, I have learned first-hand that no matter what age we are, we can change our adaptations with awareness.
I began to get curious about how I spoke to myself, and I soon realized that I wouldn’t even speak to an enemy the way I was talking to myself. So I consciously started to speak to myself with kindness and compassion, like I would a friend. I also began listening to affirmations to help me rewrite this negative narrative I had in my mind.
All of a sudden, I started to unconsciously say the affirmations out loud. I would say things like, ”I am worth so much more than that” and then gasp that I had changed my beliefs.
I learned, mainly from books and podcasts, how to show myself love and care. I introduced this slowly into my routine. I was learning to become my own nurturing parent, the one I missed out on growing up. Like little seeds, my self-worth began to slowly grow.
After that, I felt worthy of investing in support from professionals. They provided a safe space for me to explore my story and to get a different perspective. I also found somatic therapy and Internal Family Systems parts work really helpful for healing trauma and growing my self-worth.
I still had relationships in my life that needed changing, which required boundaries and even walking away from some people, but I had to grow that relationship with myself first. Then I had the confidence to expect more in my relationships. When the relationship with myself was no longer toxic and abusive, I was able to stop chasing the unhealthy ones and walk away from the abusive ones.
The seeds in my self-worth garden were growing, and my life changed as a result. My reality was a mirror of how worthy I felt within.
Because I believed I was worthy of true love when it came to me, I didn’t run away; I welcomed it.
I chose new career paths, as I realized I was worthy of having more money and working a job that fulfilled me, not one I had taken to please my dad.
My relationship with my body is changing too. I show it love and kindness with how I feed it, speak to it, and treat it. No more extreme behaviors. I’m learning to love it just as it is.
I realize now that I always had this power to love and care for myself. When I learned to do this, my story changed, and I began to feel more than good enough. It was never about anyone else giving that to me or outside validation. It was about ending the war that began inside of me when I didn’t get my needs met as a kid.
I lovingly use inner child parts work to tend to my younger self, who sometimes falls back into her survival adaptations. I let my inner child know that she is safe now and that I am here to take care of her needs. That we no longer need to chase, overachieve, or overgive in order to be loved and accepted. That I love and accept her for all of her light and her darkness. For her shadow parts.
I listen to her fears, her sadness, her grief—the way I wished someone listened to me when I was younger. I attend to her needs with love and compassion so she no longer has to search for love or validation in the wrong places.
If you can relate to any of what I wrote, start planting seeds in your self-worth garden today and watch your story change.
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Handling Lifequakes: How to Navigate the Storms of Change
“How you revise, rethink, and rewrite your personal narrative as things change, lurch, or go wrong in your life matters a great deal.” ~Bruce Feiler
It’s happened to all of us.
Just when life is going smoothly, a big, scary event comes along that threatens to ruin everything.
A frightening diagnosis, a relationship breakup, the death of a loved one, a job loss, or the COVID-19 pandemic.
Your life gets turned upside down when you least expect it.
I don’t know about you, but my life has been full of significant life changes over the last ten years: my husband’s retirement and chronic lymphocytic leukemia diagnosis within a month of each other, the death of a beloved old pet, and my husband’s six months of chemotherapy. This was followed by him breaking his back plus having heart surgery only a few months later.
After that, we spent a year going through a highly stressful move. And then the pandemic started. Earlier this year, we had to move my parents into assisted living after Mom broke her hip and Dad had to stop driving.
I’ve come to the realization that learning to master these types of daunting challenges may be the most crucial skill we need, regardless of our age.
So I’m always on the lookout for helpful advice.
Navigating Lifequakes
Bestselling author Bruce Feiler spent five years talking to people about the most significant transitions of their lives. Spurred on by a series of personal crises, he traveled the country, gathering the life stories of hundreds of Americans from every state.
He then spent a year combing through those stories, unearthing patterns and insights that can help us all handle challenging times more effectively. His efforts culminated in his excellent book Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age.
Feiler learned that massive life disruptions, what he calls lifequakes, strike us at the core of our being. We feel scared, overwhelmed, and stuck, leading to a “meaning crisis” (a feeling of meaninglessness). But a transition is what helps us break free and move forward.
A lifequake can come in different forms—a choice we make, like leaving a bad marriage or starting a new venture, or something that happens beyond our control, such as losing a job or facing illness.
Regardless of how it comes about, the key is that the transition itself must be voluntary. We must work to turn our fear and anxiety into something positive and life-affirming.
“As long as we all have to go through these tumultuous periods; as long as we have to experience all this stress and distress, heartrending and heart-mending; as long as we have to readjust our personal narratives; why do we insist on talking about these periods as something dire and defeating? As long as life is going to be full of plot twists, why not spend more time learning to master them?”
Based on Feiler’s research, here are five tips, with examples from my own life, to make the transitions you experience go more smoothly.
Use Your Transition Superpower and Get Help with Your Kryptonite
Feeling all over the place or stuck in one spot during significant changes is normal. But Feiler discovered there’s actually some order to these times.
Transitions can be broken down into three phases. There’s the long goodbye, where you leave the past behind. There’s the messy middle, where you stumble toward a fresh identity. And there’s the new beginning, where you embrace your new way of being.
But these phases don’t always happen in a straight line, and the order is different for everyone. Also, they rarely begin and end in a clean way. We go in and out of them in highly unique patterns. And it’s easy to get stuck in one phase for a long time.
Each person has their own strength in one phase (their transition superpower) and may struggle with another (their transition kryptonite).
For example, I’ve noticed that my husband’s superpower is the messy middle of things.
He has trouble with goodbyes and letting go of the past. But when he finally does, he demonstrates tremendous patience and perseverance in dealing with the ongoing chaos of the messy middle.
For instance, when his leukemia flares up every few years, it requires more frequent visits to the oncologist and treatment for as long as it takes to get back to the desired state of remission. I think he handles the uncertainty and discomfort of this relatively well.
My husband’s superpower is my kryptonite. The messy middle of things always feels never-ending and draining to me. I am frequently impatient and must work hard to keep my energy up.
Over time, we’ve learned how to help each other through transitions. I give him extra support with his goodbyes, and he’s a caring cheerleader through my messy middles.
Accept and Balance Your Emotions
Feiler asked everyone he interviewed about the most potent emotions they struggled with during their transitions. Fear was the top emotion, with 27% of people feeling that one the most. Sadness and shame were also common reactions.
People dealt with these emotions in different ways. Some wrote down their feelings, while others threw themselves into new tasks to keep busy.
But nearly eight out of ten people turned to rituals to cope. They sang, danced, hugged, got tattoos, and skydived. They changed their names and went to sweat lodges.
These rituals are super effective, especially during the long goodbye phase. They serve as statements to ourselves and others that we’ve gone through a change and are ready for whatever comes next.
Supporting my elderly parents through their decline and suffering this year has been a new life stage for me. In many ways, the experience reminds me of the demands of parenting. Selflessness, on-the-spot problem-solving, patience, and resilience—all constant requirements.
And the emotions have been intense. One of the rituals I use is my early-morning journaling practice. Over the last several months, writing my truth about this has helped me reach a state of acceptance, reducing my fear and sadness.
Let Go of Something
When we reach the messy middle, we start getting rid of things—like old ways of thinking, bad habits, false beliefs, and even dreams that no longer suit us. It’s like animals shedding their outer layer to grow bigger or prepare for their next life stage.
When Loretta Parham, a librarian from Atlanta, lost her daughter in a car accident and took on the responsibility of raising her granddaughters, she had to let go of just indulging them and become more of a disciplinarian.
When I was in the middle of that season of one health scare after another with my husband—it went on for sixteen months—I had to let go of how he used to be.
He had been hale and hearty, “large and in charge.” Making our life work had been a 50/50 partnership, but he only had maybe 10% to give, so I had to step up and provide 90%.
This shedding process allows us to do away with what no longer serves us and make space for a new reality.
Do Something Creative
Many people Feiler talked to during his interviews found comfort in being creative during times of change. They turned to dancing, cooking, painting, writing poems, thank-you notes, and diary entries.
When faced with chaos, their response was to create something meaningful.
After leaving her husband, Khaliqa Baqi set up a sewing room in her home and “started making beautiful creations with fabric.”
Gayla Paschall started building hand-painted birdhouses after getting caught up in a faculty scandal at Emory and losing her research position. Soon, she was selling her creations at a gallery.
While accompanying my husband to the cancer center for chemotherapy years ago, I saw the nurses bring out warm, hand-made throw blankets for the patients who were feeling cold. The nurses said the patients loved them and they could always use more.
So I dusted off my crochet skills and made throws to donate to the center. I enjoy the meditative nature of crocheting and love giving my creations away. Other creative practices that help me through chaotic times are coloring mandalas and nature photography.
This desire for renewal through creativity has been a part of humanity since the beginning of time. It’s as if we instinctively know we can find a fresh start by creating something new.
Compose a Fresh Story
Going through a life transition is like writing a new chapter in our story. We can find meaning in our lifequake and the resulting changes we go through.
Whether our experience was positive or not, we can choose to end the story with positivity and hope. One of my favorite teachers, author Martha Beck, calls this writing into light.
I now make sense of lifequakes by viewing them as spiritual practice and asking, “What can I learn from this?”
We have the power to shape the stories of our transitions. Feiler says that instead of seeing them as tough times we must struggle through, we should view them as healing periods.
They give us a chance to mend the frightening parts of our lives, helping us move forward in renewal and growth.
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We all face those moments when our world turns upside down and the road ahead seems uncertain. But it’s during these very times that we discover our inner strength, resilience, and creativity.
We can embrace change as a chance to rewrite our story, shed what no longer serves us, and dream a new dream.
May we all have peace of heart as we go.
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How to Overcome Relationship Conflict with the Internalized Other Practice
“You can only understand people if you feel them in yourself.” ~John Steinbeck
In the early stages of my relationships, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what the other person was thinking. Hours of pondering whether they liked me, over-analyzing every text message, and worrying that every fight meant it was over.
Over time, in a good long-term relationship, these challenges settle down. While longevity is not the only marker of a successful relationship, feeling safe and comfortable with someone over a decent stretch of time is undoubtably lovely. All those fear-based worries and insecurities fade, that feeling of being ‘on your toes’ disappears, and you finally feel like you can settle into something.
However, a few years into my current and most serious relationship, there was something that continued to be a struggle. That struggle is mirrored by clients in my work as a counselor and relationship coach today. And it’s probably the most important thing we can address, as a partner and human being.
In order to truly understand and empathize, we need to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes.
How many times have we heard these words? How many times have we said them?
And yet, is it something we are genuinely capable of?
If so, how do we do it?
I know for myself, it’s much harder than it seems. If I’m honest, my desire to be understood can override a desire to understand my partner. Sometimes I’m mystified as to why they don’t see things as I do. Isn’t it obvious that I’d be upset if you don’t want to spend time with people I love? If I get stuck making all the plans for our next holiday? Frustrated when you don’t speak up? While some of this is just a normal part of being in relationships, we can get stuck in misunderstandings that spell the death of connection.
For instance, we might actively avoid understanding the people we are closest to. In the early days when they’re speaking of past hurts, we can listen wholeheartedly because we are not implicated in these situations. But if we are the cause of the hurt, we tend to leap to explanations or even excuses before empathizing and accepting. We want to get past the hurt quickly so we don’t have to feel bad or vulnerable.
I remember once making what I thought was a ‘joke’ comment to my partner, and when they told me how I’d hurt their feelings, I dismissed it because I didn’t perceive it as hurtful. Deep down, though, I knew this wasn’t an isolated incident. I felt ashamed, and for a time this yucky feeling got in the way of me wanting to truly understand.
This shame I felt at hurting my partner ended up becoming a catalyst for change. I was able to reflect and eventually understand how and why my partner felt hurt, and it completely changed my response.
I stopped feeling self-protective and was able to apologize from a meaningful place. More importantly, I went forward from there really considering how my words might affect this person I love. And while I don’t always get it right (no one’s perfect), things got much better and we are happily ensconced nine years later.
I did this by holding an ‘internalized other’ interview with myself.
When I came across the ‘Internalized Other’ exercise, from family therapist Karl Tomm and used in the narrative therapy sessions I do, I realized this practice could be a game-changer in my relationship as well as many other people’s.
Because the reality is that understanding others takes practice. Even if you’re innately empathic, genuinely putting yourself in a particular someone’s shoes can be a challenge when you are directly involved with them.
This is the practice of embodying the full lived experience of an internalized significant other. Internalizing another person for the duration of a deep conversation (with them or with oneself) can make it possible to get out of stuck places, increase empathy, and allow new perspectives to bloom.
More commonly, it’s a powerful tool used in a relationship therapy/coaching conversation with your partner present. It’s undoubtedly easier to do with a third party interviewing you, but you can try it with your partner where both of you embody the other. This is also something you can do on your own with a journal. The main thing you need is a true desire to put yourself in someone else’s shoes.
I should mention now, this is not for everyone and every relationship. It’s a challenging process. If you’re in a relationship where you are regularly being undermined or uncared for or things are generally toxic, this isn’t something you should do, and I recommend seeking professional help. But if your mental health and relationship communication is pretty good, then full steam ahead.
The simplest description of an internalized other interview is that you answer a series of questions as if you are this significant person and not yourself. The questions tend to start light and get more personal and deep as you go on.
It sounds easy, but it’s incredibly difficult. Most people slip into themselves fairly quickly, especially if we’re discussing a perceived injustice or a hurt. Stuck places hold us captive, but it’s vital we learn to break free from them.
That’s why it’s important to not just think about the person but try to embody them. If you are doing this in conversation, get up and swap seats. If you’re alone, try sitting in their usual chair or on their side of the bed. Maybe have an item of importance to them in your hands or in your line of sight. You could even put on a favorite T-shirt if that’s not too silly.
Then begin with some questions. Remember to use your partner’s name regularly to keep reminding yourself that you’re them. In this example, Charlie is trying to internalize Alex:
1. The simple questions
What’s your name? When’s your birthday, Alex? Where are you from and what do you like about your hometown? What do you dislike about it? Who’s your favorite musician? Where do you love going out for dinner, Alex? Are you a cat or a dog person and why? What makes you laugh?
You can have a little fun here, before hitting the more serious stuff. If you slip up, slow it all down. It’s not a race to get everything ‘right.’ It’s about the energy you’re putting into the embodiment process. Take your time with step one. Wait until you start feeling a little more natural answering questions as this other person. This is the beginning of ‘internalizing’ the other.
2. The personalized questions (that could stir a touch of conflict)
Why do you keep that top with all the holes in it, Alex? What’s going through your mind when Charlie is cooking dinner? Why did you go out last Friday night even though you were tired?
As you can see, some of the answers are going to be hard to come by. They might be questions you’ve wanted to ask your partner with genuine curiosity, so here’s your chance to try answer them. You aren’t just guessing though; this is still your interpretation of them. So focus less on getting it ‘right’ and more on the feeling you have of this internalized other person.
Assume your partner isn’t motivated by selfishness or hurtfulness and go in with some real consideration and generosity of spirit. You’re spending time in their mind, in their heart, which is a privilege. Go back to step one if you’re really stuck here, and keep moving between step one and two until it feels more comfortable.
3. The relational questions (getting to the heart of the matter)
How do you feel about discussing this stuff today, Alex? What is your relationship to Charlie? How long have you been together? What drives you up the wall? What do you find most challenging about this relationship, Alex? What do you think the cause of these problems is? What happened last Friday? Can you describe it, Alex? How did you feel when this thing happened with Charlie? What did it get you thinking and wishing in regards to Charlie? What makes you feel more closed or more open with Charlie?
As you can see, there’s a mix of questions here, ranging from broader relationship struggles and perspectives to more specific incidents. It’s up to you which direction you take this if you’re doing this on your own in your journal, or doing this as a couple without a therapist.
Diving into something very specific (especially something that happens regularly) can be most helpful though, because these are the places we find ourselves most stuck and can even be the tipping point in whether a relationship continues. Be prepared for lots of emotions to arise here. You may need a hug or a cry, but don’t give up; this is also where the magic happens.
4. More relational questions (with love and positivity, to wrap up)
What do you like about being in a relationship with Charlie? What would you like Charlie to know that you appreciate most about them? What would be important for you to let Charlie know, Alex?
This step is an invitation to bring things down and remember that the other person loves you (even if you’ve just been digging into the ways they’re struggling with the problems). Be kind to yourself. Internalized othering can be just as meaningful when exploring why we are uniquely loved by the other, so don’t stop at the problems.
When I went through this process on my own, I found myself knocked for six. Intellectually I knew I had hurt my partner. But until I truly internalized their experience, I still believed that if they just understood I hadn’t meant anything by my comment, they would get over it. When I allowed myself to feel their feelings it was humbling. Only then was I able to change. As an added bonus, I find myself being curious all over again about this person on a daily basis.
Internalizing another can be truly profound. You can solve a specific issue, you can look at a broader set of issues, and ultimately strengthen the flow of love between you. Even if you just do this process once with full commitment, the increase of empathy and ability to lay down defensiveness and become fascinated by someone you love (again) is nothing short of extraordinary.
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How Replacing Worry with Gratitude Turned My Whole Life Around
“When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around.” ~Willie Nelson
You know you’re not living the life of your dreams when you’re doing mundane things like brushing your teeth, doing laundry, getting dressed, or preparing a meal, and your constant thoughts are “Oh, we need more toothpaste or laundry detergent, but we can’t get either right now. Money’s too tight.” Or “We should get more milk and lettuce, but we have to put that money toward our utility bill so our lights don’t get turned off.”
This train of thought started to be the norm for me rather than just the occasional meanderings. And, to many people, thinking about all the things they can’t do because there’s not enough money is normal. For me, it started to feel really bad and unsettling.
I knew my mind was capable of anything, including change, and I’d proven it many times over the years on little things. But on big things like money, I just didn’t know how to get out of my fear-based, anxiety-ridden thought patterns and change my thinking. I knew I had to find a way because I didn’t like staying in those bad, unsettling feelings.
So I wrote a bunch of affirmations and recited them throughout the day whenever I started thinking fearful thoughts. At times, that meant I was reciting my affirmations all day long to shake off the fear.
In addition to this, I listened to hypnosis audios one or two times every day. I also spent time listening to YouTube videos and free online webinars, all focused on rewiring the brain and changing your mindset.
All of this felt good, and I noticed profound shifts in who I was becoming and how I was showing up in world. However, I still stayed stuck around the topic of money and attracting the kind of money I want into my life. Frankly, I felt completely at a loss on how to get unstuck.
Then one day, a check showed up in my mailbox. This was so unexpected but something I’d been hoping for with all my heart. I honestly don’t remember the amount, but I do remember feeling happy, grateful, and a deep desire to express all of this out loud.
I started by clapping my hands and blurting out my sincere thanks for the money that had been delivered that day. From there, I moved onto appreciation for a bunch of little things that were helping to make my life work on a daily basis. I did that for about five minutes and felt A-MAZ-ING.
The next day, I was still feeling some residual happiness from the day before. Basking in this lingering joy, I got quiet and focused all my attention on all the things I was grateful for in that moment.
Once I had that sentiment locked in, I spent several minutes vocally reciting all that I was thankful for. This act of verbal gratitude brought me immense joy. Once again, I felt amazing!
As the days rolled by, I continued this daily practice. I also began adding a new ritual of expressing one minute of gratitude every time I happened to see my birthday numbers pop up on my phone clock. As soon as I see those numbers, I begin clapping my hands like I’m applauding and simultaneously speaking out loud, as fast as I can, all that I am grateful for in that moment.
Then I began making my morning self-care routine a more conscious time. As I brushed my teeth, I read a series of affirmations that were all about appreciation and thankfulness. This practice allowed me to start my day with a positive and grateful mindset.
The time spent styling my hair was now an opportunity to anchor myself in the present moment. I focused on the heat of the dryer on my scalp, the comb running through my hair, the products worked into each section of hair, and the scents from each of them. This mindfulness turned an ordinary task into a grounding experience.
Gradually, my morning self-care routine became a series of mindful moments, each one tied together by my conscious presence. Living in the moment lets me fully embrace life as it happens. By focusing on the present, I can find happiness, gratitude, and peace in everyday experiences.
This reduction in stress had a profound impact on my sleep quality. It felt as though a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders, allowing me to rest more peacefully and wake up refreshed.
Then, answers that had been eluding me started flooding in. My mind became very clear and focused. This heightened clarity made prioritizing my work simple and straightforward, and I was finally able to make progress on my dream of starting an online business. The fog that had previously clouded my mind seemed to disappear altogether after I started replacing worry with gratitude.
Finally, I noticed a shift in my emotional state. I no longer felt like I was stuck in an unending rut. Procrastination, which had once been a major obstacle, became a thing of the past. I began to love myself more and developed a profound sense of gratitude for the people in my life.
Embracing a gratitude practice was a game-changer for me, and it can be for you too. The key is to carve out rituals that resonate with your individual sensibilities and fit effortlessly into your daily routine. The rituals that I’ve shared with you in this piece are simply examples of how I managed to incorporate gratitude into my own life, but the possibilities for you to integrate gratitude into your daily life are endless.
The ritual you create should be uniquely yours and serve to connect you with the present moment and all the joy it holds. Perhaps you might find solace in nature and use your daily walks as an opportunity to express appreciation. Or you may find that journaling your thoughts and thankfulness each night is more aligned with your style.
For some, it could be as simple as maintaining a gratitude jar, where you jot down one thing you’re grateful for each day and drop it in. Alternatively, you might prefer a more active approach, like dedicating a few moments of your daily workout to appreciate your body’s strength and capabilities. Remember, these are just springboards—feel free to dive deep into your creativity and craft a ritual that resonates with your unique rhythm of life.
Just keep this in mind: the goal is to cultivate a sense of thankfulness that becomes a part of your everyday life. By being true to yourself and getting creative with your own daily rituals, you have the ability to change your outlook, alter your mindset and, ultimately, escape from any pattern that has you feeling stuck.
Trust in your own power to make a change and let a spirit of gratitude guide you toward the life you’ve always wanted and definitely deserve.
