Tag: wisdom
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Why I Love My Sober Life: Everything I Gained When I Quit Drinking
“Sobriety was the greatest gift I ever gave myself.” ~Rob Lowe
I tried and failed to have a fabulous relationship with alcohol for many years.
When my children were tiny, I drank far more than was good for me, thinking I was relaxing, unwinding, socializing, and having fun. I’d seen my life shrink down from a world with lots of freedom and vibrancy to a socially restricted void, and I wanted to feel normal. I wanted to join in with everyone else.
All my birthday cards had bottles of gin or glasses of fizz on them, all the Friday afternoon memes on social media were about “wine o’clock,” and I wanted to be part of that world.
The opening of a bottle in the evening had me thinking I was changing gear, moving from stressed to relaxed, and treating myself to some self-care. Nothing could have been further from the truth; the alcohol made me wake during the night and gave me low-level anxiety and an almost permanent brain fog.
I’m not proud of the drinking I did when the kids were small. I now feel a deep sense of shame about that time. I’d created such a happy life for myself—lovely husband and kids, nice house in a great town, wonderful friends. What was I drinking to escape from?
On the outside I looked like I had it all, but I didn’t—I had overwhelm.
I was a wife and family member, a mum to two small children, an employee, and a freelancer… I had all the roles I’d longed for, and yet it was all too much.
I didn’t know how to let go of some of my responsibilities, and I didn’t know how to cope with everything that was going on in my life. Alcohol felt like the treat I deserved. It took me a while to figure out that alcohol was the common theme in my rubbish decision-making, tiredness, and grumpiness.
I’d spent a long time feeling trapped and stuck. I knew I wanted to stop drinking, but I was worried about what others would think of me, how I would feel at parties without a drink in my hand, and whether I’d be able to relax properly at the weekends.
I kept going back and forth, deciding I’d stop, then changing my mind, thinking I wouldn’t or couldn’t. It was a hellish merry-go-round. When I was forty-one, I finally made the decision to quit alcohol for a year as a little life experiment. I wanted to see how I would feel without it for an extended period of time.
I decided to take a bold action in autumn 2019. I told a group of online friends that I was not going to drink alcohol for the whole of 2020, and once I had said it out loud, I knew I would have to do it.
This step toward accountability really helped me to move forward with my sober mission. I started to count down to 2020 (still binge drinking), wondering how this experiment was going to go!
Toward the end of 2019, my mindset began to shift. Instead of dreading the start of 2020, I started to look forward to it. I made plans that I knew would lead to a successful sober year. I read books about quitting, listened to inspiring podcasts, and watched films or documentaries that didn’t show alcohol consumption in a glamorous light. I followed people who were a few steps ahead of me on their sober journey. I asked questions and I followed advice.
I had my last drink on Dec 8th, 2019—nothing monumental, out with a few friends and no hangover the next day. It was a total non-event!
I wanted to have a year without alcohol to know if life would be stressful, lonely, or boring like I’d led myself to believe, or if it was possible to relax, connect with others, and have fun without a drink. The hangovers and brain fog were getting worse. In my late thirties and early forties, I just couldn’t get away with it like I had in my twenties.
I wanted to be a more patient parent—no more selfishly rushing the kids through bedtime because I wanted to get back downstairs to my drink.
I wanted hangover-free weekends to enjoy my time away from work.
I wanted to maximize my nutritional choices—no more rubbish food choices dictated by low-level hangovers, or high-level ones for that matter.
I wanted to sleep deeply and wake up feeling rested and ready for the day ahead.
I wanted to know I was giving myself the best chance at not getting high blood pressure, heart disease, liver disease, cancer, dementia, or a compromised immune system.
I went through the whole of 2020 without a drink. There were some tough days to navigate, some challenging events to negotiate, and awkward conversations to have with friends, but I did it all, and I did it all sober.
When 2021 rolled around, I knew I wasn’t going to go back to how I’d drunk before. I had changed my relationship with alcohol for the better. I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually a different person, and I didn’t want to go back to numbing my feelings.
It’s easy to name all the benefits to our bodies and minds when we cut alcohol out—deeper sleep, clearer skin, better mood, more energy, and less anxiety, to name a few—but for me, the real shift has come a couple of years down the line. I feel more spiritually open than I’ve ever felt before, and I cannot wait to see what unfolds next for all of those of us on this sober-curious journey.
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19 Things to Start Doing for Yourself in the New Year
“And suddenly you know… it’s time to start something new and trust the magic of new beginnings.” ~Meister Eckhart
Did you know that 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail?
That’s pretty crazy. Maybe you’re part of that statistic. Feeling eager, excited, and ready for change only to fall back into old patterns after a few weeks.
This was me, year after year—striving for change but not managing to pull it through, but not last year.
A few days ago I found a letter I had written to myself on New Year’s Eve in 2016, describing how I wanted 2017 to unfold. I described what I wanted to accomplish for my business, the kind of people I wanted to surround myself with, and most importantly, how I wanted to feel through it all.
To my surprise, I noticed how much I actually had accomplished. Even though my letter was very ambitious (oops, went down that road again…), I noticed how my vision, focus, and intentions had placed me in the right direction throughout the year.
In previous years, my focus had been on achieving things such as exercising three times per week, eating only healthy food, and quitting bad habits. You know, concrete results. This time, however, my focus was on working toward my vision of the future I desire while growing and enjoying myself in the process.
In simple terms: making sure I was happy while working toward a compelling future. So, whenever I put down a goal, I also made sure to define how I wanted it to feel.
For example, instead of deciding “I’m going to exercise three times per week” I wrote “I’m gonna love my body and take really good care of it by practicing yoga, dancing, or doing other activities I feel drawn to do.”
To help stir your imagination for the New Year—so that you’re not pushed by pressure, but instead pulled by pleasure—I’ve listed nineteen things you could start doing.
1. Start focusing on what you already have.
It’s easy to focus on scarcity. To turn your focus toward what you currently don’t have in your life. In this social media-dominated, hyper-commercial, and filtered society, a state of lack can often get the best of us. But, as Oprah said, “Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”
Abundance isn’t something you acquire. It’s something you tune into. So, start noticing, focusing on, and truly appreciating what’s currently in your life. This year, I’m going to focus on the people I love, the fact that I’m healthy, and knowing that I’m in charge of where I steer my life.
2. Start using your imagination for creating.
Imagination is a powerful thing. It can either show you the most catastrophic scenario or allow you to play, explore, and create in your mind. Your imagination can either be your greatest tool in turning your dreams into reality or your greatest roadblock.
Use it to create, not destroy. Use it to stir faith, not doubt. Use it to become a force for good, both for yourself and those around you. For example, instead of focusing on everything that could go wrong if you start your own business, imagine how fulfilled you’ll feel and all the people you could help.
3. Start living in the now.
Often, we live in past or future tense. Often, we’re so caught up in what took place or what might happen that we lose sight of what is happening. Start living where life actually takes place: here and now.
Use your senses to become present: feeling, hearing, seeing, tasting, and touching. Say yes to what you’re doing, no matter how insignificant it might seem.
When you’re washing the dishes, make that the most important thing in your life. When you’re transporting yourself, make that the most important thing in your life. When you’re speaking to someone, make that the most important thing in your life.
4. Start ignoring what others are doing.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparison. To look at others and either judge, blame, or feel sorry for ourselves. But, we don’t grow green grass by focusing on our neighbor’s garden; we do it by nurturing our own.
Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to someone’s greatest moment. Instead, choose to honor your life by creating, investing in, and caring for it. Simply, keep your eyes on your lane.
5. Start being really honest with yourself.
The only way to change something is to first acknowledge what is. To look at the situation exactly as it is but not worse than it is. To look your fears, limitations, and blockages right in the eye.
What’s working and what isn’t? What do you want to do that scares the crap out of you? Give yourself credit for what’s working and then look at how you can change what isn’t. As they say, the truth will set you free. But first, it might hurt or piss you off.
6. Start putting better labels on things.
What glasses are you wearing? The optimistic, fearful, or I-cannot-do-this pair? How we experience life depends on how we choose to look at things. Losing a job can either mean a problem or a great opportunity. A breakup can either mean the end or the beginning of something new.
Label things in a way that empowers you. Turn a traumatic event into a blessing in disguise, a difficult situation into a challenge, and an ending into a new beginning. Be the author of your experiences.
7. Start telling empowering stories.
Building on the previous point, notice what stories are currently running through your life. Maybe it’s about your parents, financial situation, or health condition. The stories we tell define us. Empowering stories create empowering situations.
One story I used to tell myself was that “I wasn’t ready” to do things in my business, to launch products or workshops. Once I changed the story to “I’ll do the best I can and learn along the way,” taking action and expanding my comfort zone felt doable.
Look at one area of your life you’d like to change. What is the story you tell yourself about this area? How can you tell a better, more empowering story?
8. Start focusing on something greater than you.
In life, we either show up for what we do, how we do it, or why we do it. Having the last one (“the why”) defined is what brings purpose and meaning. What’s your mission, change you want to see, or reason for pursuing something?
Participating in something greater than yourself and being clear on why you’re doing it adds purpose. And if you don’t know what that something greater is yet, make it your mission to find out.
9. Start acting like you care about yourself.
Do you truly care about yourself? Do you act, speak, and treat yourself like the lovable and loving person you are? Because, here’s the thing: we cannot give what we don’t have. Just like we need to put our own oxygen mask on first when flying, we need to tend to ourselves first before we can tend to others.
Know that putting yourself first isn’t selfish; it’s necessary. Look at your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects. What do you need more or less of to feel good? Then, make it a priority to care for yourself (so that you also can give from a genuine place).
10. Start trusting that others are doing the best they can.
Trust that everyone is doing the best they can based on their experience, beliefs, and state. The person who cut you off in traffic might be in a rush to get home to a sick loved one. The person who didn’t deliver his project on time might be experiencing heartbreak. The person who was rude to you in the queue might be having a really bad day.
You never know what someone else is going through. So, instead of making assumptions, trust that they’re doing the best they can. Lead from a place of compassion, not judgment, and you’ll spare yourself (and others) unnecessary pain, anger, and frustration.
11. Start asking better questions.
Questions such as: “What can go wrong?” or “What if I screw up?” simply don’t have a positive answer. Your mind will go looking for whatever answer you ask for, so start asking wisely. Sure, you can ask them to get clear on the worst-case scenario, but then make sure to shift focus.
As Tony Robbins said, “Quality questions create a quality life. Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers.” Instead, try asking questions such as “How can I make this a success?” and “How can I find the best solution to this situation?”
12. Start caring about things that actually matter.
If you care too much about things such as judgment and criticism, you’ll mostly keep yourself stuck and paralyzed—unless you find things to care more about.
For example, do you care more about what others might think or living life true to yourself? Do you care more about negative comments or being a force for good in this world? Don’t numb your care; instead, care more about things that actually matter to you.
13. Start trusting yourself wholeheartedly.
Just like any other relationships, the one with yourself needs to be fueled, nurtured, and taken care of. When you feel curious, intrigued, or excited about something, trust that it’s happening for a reason. When you get red flags about a person or situation, trust that it’s also happening for a reason.
Start acting like you trust yourself fully. Behave like you’re in full connection with your inner self and always guided. The more you act like you trust and believe in yourself, the more that will actualize for you.
14. Start celebrating your obstacles.
“Obstacles do not block the path, they are the path.” The first time I heard this Zen Proverb, I didn’t get it. How could obstacles be the path? This idea of obstacles not standing in the way but actually being the way sounded like alien language to me.
But, here’s what I discovered: Desires are powerful. Life is always guiding us toward what we want, but in that process, blockages and fears will be surfaced so that they can be seen and/or healed. So, when you’re dealing with an obstacle like fear, don’t avoid it. Instead, push yourself to work through it. Every obstacle you face brings you one step closer to your dreams.
15. Start gaining perspective on your problems.
I once heard someone say, “The problem with problems is that we think we’re not supposed to have any.” Problems might not always feel great, but they propel us forward. They shed light on what isn’t working so that we can find, explore, and investigate better solutions.
In moments of struggle, remind yourself that all over this planet, people are fighting for their survival. Acknowledge your problems but then shift toward finding a solution. What do you need to progress? Where and from whom can you gain clarity, confidence, and support to move forward?
16. Start embracing your vulnerability.
Vulnerability is scary. Yet, it’s the gateway to growth, change, and connection. It’s the last thing we want to show in ourselves, but the first thing we look for in others. We cannot shut out pain, shame, and disappointment without also blocking love, growth, and connection.
So, have the courage allow your deepest and most fragile parts to be seen. Allow your heart to crack right open and something beautiful will happen: you’ll be able to transform difficult feelings into love, strength, and compassion.
Last week, I met a girl in the co-working space where I work. It was the second time we met, yet I felt urged to suddenly share my at-the-time struggle of not feeling enough for my business and some people in my life. Apparently, she was experiencing the similar things. I left feeling relieved, empowered, and more connected to her than before.
17. Start spending time with the right people.
How are the people you spend most time with? Do they give you energy or drain you? Friendships and connections aren’t something static; they’re always in motion. Set a high standard for yourself and choose to only spend time with people you enjoy.
Make sure to surround yourself with a tribe that reflects how you want to feel and be and what you want to do and have. If you don’t have that today, then make space for those people to come into your life.
18. Start taking 100% responsibility for your life.
The first time I heard this, I wasn’t comfortable. Yet, the minute I accepted it, I was empowered. To accept and take full responsibility for all areas of your life (even where you feel behind, mistreated, or wronged) isn’t easy. But, it’s the only way to change them.
By taking responsibility, you bring your power back home to where it belongs: to you. So no matter how difficult it might seem, claim full responsibility for your life. You, not someone else, will get you where you want to go.
19. Start creating the life you want now.
It’s easy to postpone. To fool ourselves into thinking “Once my situation is different, I’ll act on my dream” or “Once I’m in a relationship, I’ll start loving myself.” But to live the life you desire, you’re going to have to create it now, not sometime in the future.
Conditions or timing will never be perfect. So, instead, ask yourself, “If I had all the love, money, time, confidence, and knowledge I desire, how would I think, act, and feel?” Step into that version of yourself.
Take Baby Steps Toward the Life You Desire
To get to where you want to be, you have to start walking in that direction. Don’t see it as a sprint, but more as a marathon. How can you create a manageable and enjoyable year where, not pressure, but pleasure is leading the way?
Don’t overwhelm yourself by setting too big goals or expecting things to be perfect. (They never are). Instead, choose to focus on one to three things from the list. Then once you feel comfortable with one area, move into another. Remember, consistency beats intensity.
Let this be the year you set yourself up for success!
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20 Inspiring Messages to Take into New Year
It’s the beginning of a new year, full of promise and possibility. Maybe you have a good feeling about the year ahead and big plans to bring to life. Or maybe you’re coming out of one of the toughest years you’ve ever had, and you’re just hoping this year will hurt less than last.
I’ve been in both situations before, as I imagine we all have. But no matter our unique situations, a new year often brings a sense of rebirth and hope. Hope that things can change, or that we can change, or maybe that we can just change how we see things. So we can struggle less, enjoy more, and show up more often as the people we want to be.
With this in mind, I put together this collection of quotes that might comfort, encourage, uplift, and inspire you. I hope these messages help you start your day (and your year!) feeling good about yourself and what’s possible.
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Forever Healing: 4 Things I Now Prioritize After Cancer
“I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival.” ~Audre Lorde
I’m a year out after completing chemo treatment for non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma and on my healing journey. Cancer is a nasty little thing and can rear its ugly head at any time again. So, to minimize those recurrent chances and to feel like I’m doing all that’s in my control, I’ve accepted that this healing path will be for the rest of my life.
I originally thought I’d be spending this first year rebuilding myself. And I have. However, I now see that this is a forever life path. Healing is a daily intentional practice, and I am on its continuous road.
Being proactive by incorporating healthy practices into one’s life isn’t a guarantee against illness, but it at least makes us feel like we’re taking charge and doing all that’s in our control to ward off disease and optimize our health and well-being.
I began exercising more than thirty years ago when my ex-husband moved out to begin divorce proceedings. My friend Gloria came by one day and pushed me to go to the local gym. She said it would be good for me. “Okay, I’ll try it out,” I said, “but I don’t think it’s for me.”
Well, fast forward… exercise became a life practice. Over the years my basement became home to a treadmill, stationary bike, free weights, a trampoline, bars, and a balance ball. The local gym is also my place of exercise, as is the boardwalk and nature trails. Like brushing your teeth and taking a shower, exercise is a daily living activity.
Healing encompasses a lot of factors. Sometimes it can feel overwhelming. Good enough must become a mindset and motto so we don’t beat ourselves up over occasional off days.
So what goes into a healing path?
Exercise is a must and a biggie.
Since that’s been a permanent structure in my life, I don’t have to work on that one. Like a tree trunk, it’s rooted deep in my ground. When the walking, biking, weightlifting, yoga postures, hoola hooping, or trampolining don’t take place for a few days, my body calls out, “Move me, twist me, stretch me, strengthen me.”
I have now added a new piece to my exercise: HIIT (high intensity interval training). Twenty minutes of HIIT a few times a week is indicated as an anti-cancer workout. And my dream and goal of ballroom dancing is being realized once again, as I’ve excitedly resumed my lessons that I started shortly before I was diagnosed. Movement comes in many forms.
Contemplative practices are inner forms of reflection and calming activities.
Meditation and breathing exercises, journaling, and time in nature are all soothing and quiet activities, bringing us back to ourselves. We listen to and feel what’s inside, what may be bubbling up, what our gut is telling us. We put aside the external distractions to promote the engagement of our calming parasympathetic nervous system.
For, as we all know and feel, as our anxiety levels have skyrocketed, we live on high alert all the time, fighting off the invisible tigers, as our fight-or-flight response is continuously engaged. We don’t have to be a guru meditator, but giving ourselves a few minutes a day to just be, sitting in quietude and breathing deeply, is a natural antidote to stress and a huge release of cortisol. And as we know, stress is a big contributing factor in illnesses.
Our lives are lived in a state of perpetual busyness and hecticness as we push ourselves toward productivity and perfection; therefore, we must prioritize activities that counter that busyness and bring us back to our selves. We oftentimes want to drown out our pain with distractions and busyness, but it catches up with us one way or another.
Eat to live becomes a mindset for a lifestyle of healthy eating.
We are gifted with a body that requires food to function well. As I am not a nutritionist, I’m not dishing out dietary advice. My new level of healthy eating is nature’s foods and limiting inflammatory, processed foods and sugars.
Before cancer, I had always been a big ‘nosher.’ Entenmann’s cakes, cookies, potato chips, Dr. Pepper soda, and ice cream were my after-dinner desserts. I cut most of this out years ago when I got ulcers and had reflux and irritable bowel.
One of my best takeaways from my trip to the Amazon was our hiking guide in the jungle, who said, “The jungle is our supermarket and pharmacy.”
The people there, as in many poorer countries, have very low rates of cancer and heart disease. Their food is plant-based, along with some fish and meat. And look at the Blue Zones, the places in the world where the people live the longest and healthiest. Those purple potatoes go a long way for them.
Making intentional food choices becomes a habit, giving ourselves the good stuff to fuel our body. This can be a harder part of the lifestyle to keep up with, as food preparation and shopping become a focal point. And for someone like me who’d rather be anywhere but the kitchen, this is definitely more difficult. It is an ongoing process for me.
The bigger purpose and mindset keep me on track. My guiding mindset is this: My body took care of me through my chemo treatment, and now it is my duty, in gratitude, to take care of it. I am paying it back for how it kept going and didn’t break down; it didn’t break me. So I look to feed it well.
I’ve upped my healthy eating to another level. My one square of dark chocolate each day satisfies my chocolate craving, and it has no sugar. I’ve developed a taste for this 100% dark chocolate. Practice and repeat. And whereas I used to choke down one piece of broccoli or asparagus, I now eat many pieces with my meal. Yay to baby steps of becoming more of a vegetable eater!
Inner psychological work is a new one for me.
I’ve been to numerous therapists throughout my adult life to deal with different circumstances, but now my therapy has taken on a whole new level and direction. During my treatment, I knew I wanted some type of support but did not want to join any support group or go to regular therapy again. I found, on this site actually, a creative arts therapist with whom I’ve been doing therapy like never before.
My goal, besides coping through the chemo treatments, was healing myself from the inside out. I had an intuitive sense that I needed to clear out my whole gut and center area of my body where the lymphoma had appeared. Get rid of the cobwebs that had taken root in there and work through past resentments, upset, anger, hurt, and all the rest of those toxicities.
Art, instincts, and unconscious work were all at play in this therapy, and continues today; uncovering and working through stuff that I never looked at like this.
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This is my new life, beyond the simple wording of self-care. It’s focused and purposeful care of body, mind, heart, and soul.
It’s work, but after a while it feels really good to be doing this with the big purpose of optimizing our well-being so we can live our best life.
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How I Started Enjoying Solo Adventures and How You Can Make a Big Life Change
“We need solitude, because when we’re alone, we’re free from obligations, we don’t need to put on a show, and we can hear our own thoughts.” ~Tamim Ansary
I walk along a country path feeling peaceful and free. I wander at my own pace, sometimes briskly and other times pausing to take in the view. There are no conversations to take me out of the moment or distract me from free-flowing thoughts. I set my own course and distance, being accountable to no one except myself.
Spending some leisure time alone brings me a sense of freedom, confidence, and time to reflect. Yet it wasn’t always like this for me. The prospect of enjoying activities alone seemed terrifying, selfish, and somewhat wrong. I’d think I ‘should’ be afraid or I ‘should’ involve others in my plans.
It seems surreal looking back, but there was a time when I couldn’t even sit in a cafe by myself. I’d worry people would judge me as a loner or think I was weird. I look at those times now as someone who’s done a lot of things without others. I’ve hiked mountains, explored new footpaths, eaten in restaurants, and traveled to other countries alone.
I’m no longer bound by other people’s schedules or preferences and can pursue the things I enjoy. I still value those close to me and relish time with them. However, I get different needs met from the adventures I have alone versus those I partake in with others. Neither is better than the other; they just fulfill different aspects of my life.
I need a lot of “me time.” I’m what some people would describe as an introvert. I love people, but I also need time alone to recharge. I know not everyone would enjoy solo trips or activities. However, I’m also aware there are those out there, like the past me, who want to do things alone but are held back from doing so.
Do you crave alone time? Feel restricted by others’ preferences and timetables? Feel anxious about pursuing activities by yourself? If so, I wrote this piece with you in mind, as I was once sitting where you are today.
Change Can Be Hard Work
I want to be upfront and admit that making such a big change in my life wasn’t easy. I was frequently outside of my comfort zone. It took determination and persistence to face my doubts and fears.
However, whenever I pushed myself to do something new by myself, I never regretted it. I would experience a sense of achievement and a belief that I could do this. The worst-case scenarios in my head never materialized, and I began to feel more confident. Now, I don’t think twice about relaxing by myself in a cafe or going off on a solo adventure.
What Spurred Me to Change
The real turning point for me was being diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of twenty-nine. I wasn’t even aware that people of that age could get it, so I was lucky it was caught early.
Receiving such a diagnosis, as you can imagine, shook my world, and I was thrown into a period of medical tests and treatments. It was a traumatic experience, but it also taught me what’s important to me and what I want from life.
The first change I made was to leave my job in IT. I wanted a career that would feel more purposeful and fulfilling. After taking some time out, I decided to retrain to be a counselor. This was a significant career change that seemed daunting. Yet cancer taught me that I had to follow my heart and not let fear stop me.
During my therapy training, I began to practice mindfulness and got counseling for myself. Cancer gave me a drive to change my life and a tentative courage to do so. Mindfulness taught me to tolerate difficult emotions so they wouldn’t hold me back. Counseling increased my self-awareness and belief in myself.
I became interested in articles, social media posts, and books about people overcoming adversity or going on incredible adventures. They inspired me to work toward being more independent when it came to engaging in my interests or going places.
A Step at a Time
When I was in local cafes with friends, I started to notice people who were sat on their own. They looked relaxed and content, and I admired them for this.
At secondary school, there’d been the unspoken message that sitting alone made you a misfit. It’s an age where there are pressures to conform and not stand out from the crowd. To appear different would have felt shameful and left me open to rejection and ridicule.
It started to sink in that being in a cafe is completely different than being a teenager in a school canteen. People in a cafe on their own weren’t going to judge me. People in groups were probably too engrossed in conversation to even be aware I was there.
So I decided to visit a coffee shop alone. It was a cafe I was familiar with and one where I’d previously noticed others sitting by themselves. I gave myself a good pep talk and managed to make it into the cafe. I felt so self-conscious that I drank my coffee at record speed. To the point, my mouth felt slightly burned.
That visit was a big step and a turning point for me. I’d done it, and other than a sore mouth, nothing bad had happened. No one had laughed at me or stared at me. No one seemed to have noticed or cared that I was there.
This gave me the confidence to try again. It was easier this time. Visiting this cafe became a regular occurrence for me. I no longer felt self-conscious, and I began to enjoy having a leisurely drink there.
At this point, I decided to step it up a notch and branched out to new cafes by myself. Then progressed to restaurants.
The Big One
The most challenging solo adventure was going on holiday to Malta. I’d only ever been on a plane twice in my life. Not only was I having to face the discomfort of flying alone, but also navigating a different country, using public transport, and eating out by myself.
I booked the holiday not even knowing if I would be able to get on the flight. My partner dropped me off at the airport and came as far as security with me. At this point, I was so scared I had a panic attack. I recognized what was happening to me, rode it out, and made it through security. I was determined to get on the plane.
When the call for boarding was made, I had another panic attack, but I knew I was so close to making it now. The next thing I knew I was on the plane, so there was no going back. I was desperately hoping I’d done the right thing.
I cannot describe the elation I felt once I was on the bus to the hotel. I’d done it, and even if I stayed in the resort all week, it still felt like a huge success.
I woke up early the next morning feeling refreshed and more confident. I’d made the flight and I’d managed to get to the hotel, so I could surely manage to go exploring. In my newfound confidence and excitement, I managed to take buses and a return ferry to visit the island of Gozo.
I loved my time in Malta. I walked for miles along the scenic coastal paths and visited various historical sites. I went where I wanted, when I wanted. It was an incredible experience.
This trip made me realize I’d overcome my fear of going places alone. I returned home feeling replenished and invigorated. I had more energy and focus to give to others. Spending time alone no longer seemed selfish but like an act of kindness to myself and others.
I’d also lost the thought that doing things alone was weird or odd. I was just a person pursuing the things they enjoy.
Tips for Making Changes
Whether you want to travel alone, like I did, or do something different that’s personally meaningful to you…
- Be clear about what you want to achieve. Journal, speak to others, meditate, or read inspirational stories.
- Break down what you want to achieve into small, manageable steps. Don’t try to rush things. It takes time to build confidence. Take it one step at a time. Trying to do too much too soon may feel overwhelming and off-putting.
- Enlist the support and encouragement of friends, family, or a therapist.
- If you have a setback, be kind to yourself. Change is rarely a linear process. You might want to take a break to reflect on what happened to see if there is anything you can put in place that would help. It’s okay to change your plan. It may mean going back to an earlier step or making the current step smaller.
- Recognize your successes and don’t downplay what you achieve. If you’ve done something different that is outside of your comfort zone, that is a huge achievement and something worth celebrating.
Final Thoughts
Realizing what’s important to me was a defining moment in my life. I’d become stuck living in a way that had felt overwhelming and dissatisfying. Plodding on with things, as there seemed safety in the familiar. But the cost of playing it safe meant I was missing out on having a sense of purpose, adventure and space to breathe.
It took a major life event to spur me into making the changes I needed. I no longer wanted to waste opportunities and miss out on the prospect of a more satisfying life because I felt afraid.
I had to dig deep to face my fears to get to where I am now. It was a slow process of one step at a time. Despite working toward spending time by myself, I didn’t feel alone. I had the backing and support of those close to me. They were a sounding board. They believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself and celebrated with me in my successes.
I’m grateful for the circumstances that prompted me to review my life. I’ve experienced a lot of things that wouldn’t have been possible if I’d had to rely on others. I look forward with excitement as I plan my next adventures.
