Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • Aid for a No-Good, Terrible, Very Bad Day

    Aid for a No-Good, Terrible, Very Bad Day

    “The outer teacher is merely a milestone. It is only your inner teacher that will walk with you to the goal, for he is the goal.” ~Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

    Recently, I had a very bad day. It was a day when certain life events made me so scared, so panicked I felt like I was floating in a dark void with no connection to anyone or anything, certainly not myself.

    It wasn’t one bad thing that happened, just an accumulation of family stresses, worries, questions, uncertainty, and self-doubt that flooded my spirit. I had been going-going for many days and lost touch with myself and it caught up with me—just like that. It spun me right off my center.

    Although I know as humans we are imperfect, I judged myself as a fraud.

    I’ve devoted myself to my inner-work for decades. I have a counseling psychology degree, published a self-help book and card deck set, and write articles with lessons about being peaceful, content, and happy.

    But on this day, I needed to figure out how to help myself.

    I tried to remember the amount of teachings spiritual, psychological, and creative I have collected in my toolbox over the many years.

    I thought about the great teachers of the world that offer incredible valuable assistance to one’s growth and discovery. And remembered that without the application of the teachings, we remain a head full of knowledge rather than a being who is at peace and free.

    I needed to be my own teacher in the moment, but I felt so weak and vulnerable I couldn’t connect to any of the teachings. This was a red flag of an emergency for me.

    Lying on my bed in a temporary freeze, I thought about common emergency instructions we are given in case of disaster. The building’s sign: “In case of fire, take the stairs not the elevator.” The flight attendants: “Cover your own mouth first, then your child’s.” When a tsunami hits: “Run to higher ground.” The tornado: “Open the windows so that they will not shatter” or “Go to the nearest shelter” Even for the addict, “Pick up the phone and call your sponsor.” (more…)

  • The One Thing That Helped Me Forgive My Father

    The One Thing That Helped Me Forgive My Father

    “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” ~Joseph Campbell

    I stood in front of my father, man to man, and demanded an apology. His long absence and lack of interest during my formative years had burned within me a resentment that wouldn’t quit. My therapist suggested that I confront him as one adult to another, so there I was.

    It didn’t go well. The more I pointed out his failures, the more defensive he got. The more I demanded an apology, the more he justified his actions. In his mind, he wasn’t to blame for the fact that I spent much of my childhood longing for the particular kind of bonding that only a loving father can provide.

    “It’s a simple apology!” I finally screamed. “That’s it. That is all I want. You weren’t around and you damn well should have been. I needed you. It’s not rocket science. Children need their parents. But you didn’t care about me, did you?”

    “Well, you are only alienating me further by the way you’re acting now,” he replied, offended.

    Maddening. I left that encounter with a splitting headache that lasted three days. What gives? How could he be so narcissistic? I returned to my therapist, Jake, to discuss the incident.

    “You confronted your father and really pushed him. I guess you needed to do that,” Jake said with a tone of respect. “Now, perhaps you can approach him in a different way, coming from a different place.”

    Forgiveness

    I agreed that Jake must be right, although it would be three years before I understood what that new approach might be. I knew I needed to forgive him, so I just kept trying. All of the prayers, affirmations, visualizations, and other work must have been helping, but I never experienced the true letting go of resentment that comes with actual forgiveness. It didn’t feel like a choice.

    The answer came from a client. She had come to me for help in dealing with her son and happened to tell me about an encounter she once had with a Buddhist monk. After angrily relating the sad tale of her childhood and the awful parenting she experienced, the monk simply stated the following:

    You are the wrongdoer now.

    It hit me like a ton of bricks. (more…)

  • 5 Ways to Find Your Center When Life Feels Overwhelming

    5 Ways to Find Your Center When Life Feels Overwhelming

    “Within you, there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.” ~Hermann Hesse

    We’ve all had moments when life’s demands left us feeling stressed and scattered. In these moments, it’s helpful to have some simple tools to help us gain composure and come back to our center.

    Let me paint a picture for you of a scene from my daily life at its most overwhelming.

    On a recent Tuesday, I drafted my evening’s “to-do” list, which contained the following items: Go clothes shopping for my son, get groceries, cook up some dog food, cook dinner, give my son a bath, put laundry away, walk the dog, and prepare for a workshop that I was to present that weekend.

    Like most working parents, I have to fit a lot of tasks into a brief period of time on weeknight evenings.

    Clearly all of those items weren’t going to get accomplished. But I felt compelled to try.

    And then, mid-afternoon, a feeling of illness began to creep over me, starting with a headache and progressing into nausea and profound fatigue. By the time I got home, I had revised my list, and whittled it down to: Bathe my son.

    I felt incapable of anything else.

    Still, even with a truncated list, my evening became chaotic very quickly. Our newly-acquired dog was dripping blood all over the house, including the white slipcover. She was not sick—she was in heat.

    As I tried to attend to the mess, my son called to me from the kitchen. He held his cupped hand out to me, and proudly exclaimed, “I caught it so it wouldn’t fall on the kitchen floor!”

    I will allow you to draw your own conclusions about what his hand held, but I’ll give you a hint: He’s potty training.

    In the mean time, my head was throbbing, my stomach was retching, dishes from the previous day were piled up in the sink, laundry from the week sat haphazardly on my bedroom chair, and the workshop I was to present in four days had not been planned or prepared for. Not to mention, I had a hungry child and dog to attend to.

    Sometimes, when external factors like these seem overwhelming, we feel unable to remove ourselves from the situation long enough to gain perspective and compose ourselves in order to move forward.

    Very often, these external factors become internalized, and our minds start reeling. “I’ll never get it all done, my life is spiraling out of control, I can’t get myself together…” The internal loop can be loud, persistent, and ultimately paralyzing. And once it begins, it is hard to stop. (more…)

  • CD Giveaway, Relax: 6 Techniques to Lower Your Stress

    CD Giveaway, Relax: 6 Techniques to Lower Your Stress

    Update: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha to receive free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

    The Winners:

    Last year, a representative from More Than Sound reached out to me to share the publishing company’s new mindful driving CD, Awake at the Wheel.

    As someone who frequently deals with Los Angeles traffic, I especially appreciated the opportunity to hear and share a CD focused on making the roads more peaceful.

    Recently, More Than Sound connected with me again to introduce their latest offering, a CD by emotional intelligence expert Daniel Goleman titled Relax: 6 Techniques to Lower Your Stress.

    I’m grateful for the opportunity to share it with you and offer 5 free copies as a giveaway!

    The Giveaway

    To win one of 5 free copies of Relax: 6 Techniques to Lower Your Stress:

    • Leave a comment on this post.
    • Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Giveaway – Relax: 6 Techniques to Lower Your Stress http://bit.ly/vr9r6O

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, November 11th. If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step.

    About Relax: 6 Techniques to Lower Your Stress

    Chronic stress can disrupt almost all of your body’s processes. It’s been shown to increase the risk of numerous health problems including heart disease, sleep issues, digestive complications, fatigue, depression, anxiety and obesity.

    Daniel Goleman, Harvard-trained psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence, developed Relax, a 45-minute audio program to help listeners effectively and naturally reduce stress. Since there’s no one universal antidote to stress relief, Dr. Goleman’s guided session offers several exercises to suit a variety of personal preferences:

    • Deep breathing exercises
    • Deep muscle relaxation techniques
    • Guided auto suggestion exercises
    • Relaxation countdown
    • Breath focus and tension release techniques
    • Breath count exercises
    Learn more about Relax: 6 Techniques to Lower Your Stress at More Than Sound. You can also “like” the Facebook page for Relax for stress reduction tips.
  • 60 Life Lessons: Insights from Oprah’s Life Class

    60 Life Lessons: Insights from Oprah’s Life Class

    Call me a traitor to my gender, but I didn’t grow up watching Oprah. I didn’t have parties with other ladies that involved a television and tissues. I didn’t fill my library according to her book club recommendations. And I didn’t live my life around the question, “What would Oprah do?”

    Considering my penchant for drama back then, I was more likely to curl up to Jerry Springer than a show without paternity tests and chair throwing.

    But recently Oprah called to me. Literally.

    It started when the network reached out to my friend Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love to include him in a webcast for Oprah’s Life Class. I read his excited blog posts about receiving this opportunity, and I was thrilled for him, but having never gotten into her first chapter, I didn’t feel drawn to her next.

    I also wondered if sometimes Oprah’s celebrity overpowers the messages.

    Then I watched the webcast, and I realized there is something very powerful going on within this movement.

    I fell in love with Oprah’s Life Class—both because Oprah leads with humility and authenticity, and because she’s attracted a vibrant community of people learning to let go of pain and open up to joy.

    As I absorbed myself in the archives of webcasts, I watched people forming new insights, having mini epiphanies, and most importantly, bonding with each other through their common struggles and potential. I wanted to be part of that.

    Just after my marathon Life Class session, Oprah’s people called and invited me to attend a live taping of her webcast, on Mastin’s recommendation. I’d now have a chance to be part of it, up close.

    While there were certain spiritual conversations that created a bit of a disconnect for me, I walked away from the experience feeling touched, inspired, and eager to share the work they’re doing there.

    I considered giving you the highlights of the webcasts from this season, but you can easily watch those yourself.

    So instead, I’d like to share some of the most profound insights I gleaned from Oprah’s community of “students” in their answers to one of her pre-show questions. (Submitted to her anonymously, unless otherwise indicated): (more…)

  • Becoming Ourselves: How Powerful Decisions Shape Who We Are

    Becoming Ourselves: How Powerful Decisions Shape Who We Are

    “Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is.” ~H. Jackson Browne

    I decided to have a homebirth late in my first pregnancy, well into the third trimester. All through the first six months I flip-flopped back and forth, first buying into the message that hospitals were safe for births and homes were not, and then feeling profoundly certain that the best environment in which to have my baby was at home.

    The truth is, before I was pregnant I hadn’t thought much about birth. I started my birthing journey wanting to be in charge of how things went, to stay clear of drugs and medical interventions, and to walk away from the experience changed in a positive way. I figured the place in which this happened was secondary, so a hospital might be just fine.

    But many of my friends came home from their hospital births just the opposite; they were traumatized by how the experience was wrenched away from them, and took years building back their confidence and pride around birthing their babies. It was clear to me that I didn’t want a scenario like that.

    Along with deciding what I didn’t want, I needed clarity about what I did want, and why I wanted it. I turned my questions inward, closing my ears to the cacophony of indecision, and worked the questions until finally an answer appeared.

    I began to see this first birth as a way to step more fully into my power as a woman, and I was hungry for that. I wanted to reconnect to primal wisdom, and to tap into strength I suspected lay beneath the surface but hadn’t ever experienced.

    I wanted a birth that was empowering, transformative, and authentically mine. I chose homebirth. I said yes while still not knowing with certainty what it might lie ahead for me; my decision required both clarity and a leap of faith.

    Once I made the decision, I felt different in my skin. In standing up for what I now knew I wanted at a very deep level, I walked a bit more upright and spoke with more conviction. Having my baby at home turned out to be the most powerful choice of my life. (more…)

  • Overcoming Shame at Work When You’ve Made Big Mistakes

    Overcoming Shame at Work When You’ve Made Big Mistakes

    “When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” ~ African proverb

    Hitchen’s Kitchen. It sounds like a diner straight out of a romance novel. But there I was standing in yes, the kitchen, getting my first dressing down at my first paying job.

    At sixteen I had screwed up waiting tables. I got the special of the day, swiss steak, mixed up with sirloin. And so I kept putting in tickets ordering sirloins and the cook kept on grilling them.

    And then it struck. The customers were happily eating sirloin while paying the “special of the day” prices. The owner’s profits were tanking.

    By the end of the revelation, the only thing that was sizzling louder than the sirloins was Mr. Hitchen, the owner of the diner.

    And he was scolding me—loudly. Harshly.

    I stood there absorbing his tirade. I was shocked and silent while that warm wash came over my torso. My stomach felt sick. Then came the hollowness in my chest, up to my neck where the lump in my throat sat.

    How could I shrink away? How could I get away from this feeling? I’m drowning, I’m drowning. Save me, someone. I want to disappear.

    Shame.

    The Kingpin of Destructive Emotions

    Anger. Resentment. Hurt. Fear. Sadness. None of them feels good in our body. None of them are we racing to replicate.

    However, shame is worse. It is debilitating. Immobilizing. It makes us viscerally sick. It feels like we are wearing a cloak of badness. And it shakes our soul’s foundation.

    Shame doesn’t deliver just once either. The assault is made and the shame rushes in. For me, I replay searing scenes of shame in my mind and all the sensations come acutely pouring back into my body.

    As if the first showing wasn’t enough. No, we get the sequel of shame, too.  (more…)

  • Love Yourself, Accept Yourself, Forgive Yourself

    Love Yourself, Accept Yourself, Forgive Yourself

    “Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” ~Leo F. Buscaglia 

    You mean I am a source of many wonderful things?

    Yes. Actually you are. Own up to it.

    Leo has it right.

    Love yourself.

    Despite all the things that you think may be terribly wrong with you, love yourself. Love yourself.

    Tattoo it on your brain.

    I can think of so many reasons why you should love yourself, but here’s just one: It is incredibly dull and uninspiring to be around people who do not love themselves.

    I spent many years being anorexic and feeling like I was a monster. I’m sure I was not much fun to be around, and I also know that I didn’t book any of the acting jobs I was trying to land. It is very challenging to hire someone or love someone who fights you by holding up a mirror of hatred toward themselves.

    Here’s my challenge for you today: Take a picture of your face and remember that in ten years time you will be amazed at how gorgeous you were. Be amazed now.

    Identify something about you that you may not adore and find a way to at least laugh at it or like it, even a little bit.

    I have profound hearing loss; in fact, I am almost deaf and wear hearing aids. I have ringing in my ears twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Does it drive me mad most days? Yes. However, it’s here to stay, and I have learned that I can make light of it, or I can sit home and feel sorry for myself because I am missing out on what feels like everything.

    Either way, the choice is mine to make.

    I have also learned that because of my hearing loss, my other senses are highly attuned. I am more compassionate because of it. I am a healer.

    I have turned something I don’t necessarily “love” having into another piece in the puzzle of me, and part of why I love that puzzle.

    Instead of thinking “I am an incomplete human being because I can’t hear perfectly,” I think “I am an incredible human being with a profound sense of touch and understanding and a huge capacity for love. I am also awesome at reading lips. So there.” (more…)

  • I Hate Hugging: Getting Over the Fear of Intimacy

    I Hate Hugging: Getting Over the Fear of Intimacy

    “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings

    I was a shy kid. My mom said that when I was in pre-school, the teacher asked all of the kids to hold hands and I said, “No thanks, I’ll just hold my own.”

    That may have been the beginning of my aversion towards human contact. As a kid, I remember grandparents, aunts, and uncles giving me big horrible hugs. If I didn’t blatantly push them away or wiggle free, I stood there stiff as board, until the torture was over.

    They thought this was adorable and would laugh and laugh. No one thought to seek professional help. They probably thought I’d out grow this, but I did not.

    It became more apparent by middle school. I don’t know what went on at your junior high, but at mine, girls were constantly touching!

    They were hugging multiple times per day, playing with each other’s hair, giving one another backrubs, and playing that weird arm tickling game where you plant a garden and watch it grow. If you’re curious what this actually is, don’t Google “girl’s tickling each other.” That’s not it!

    I remember the nervous rides to Chaparral Middle School. My mind would race. Who was going to try to hug me today? What would I do? What would I say? I decided: I’d just go along with it, but I wouldn’t hug back, I’d keep it quick, I’d never initiate, and I definitely wouldn’t like it.

    I didn’t fool my friends for long though. They started to notice my lack of interest. They made comments like, “You have to hug back girl!” or “Come on, give me a real hug!”

    I wanted to vomit. I tried harder for a while. I tried acting like a warmer, more loving person, but it just felt fake.

    I let my discomfort build until one day I finally exploded, which is the case with most of the issues I’ve eventually had to face.

    My friend Laura picked the wrong girl to hug that day. I pushed her away and yelled, “STOP HUGGING ME! What is the matter with you?” Then addressing all of my girlfriends I pleaded, “Why do you always want to hug? Can’t we just keep to ourselves?”

    At this point, I should probably put fears to rest and mention that I was never inappropriately touched. By anyone. No uncle. No neighbor.

    I actually wasn’t touched much at all, which may be part of the problem. I come from a close-knit family; growing up they never missed a single soccer game and today they never miss a single funny email forward. We’ve just never been close in the physical sense. (more…)

  • When You Keep Learning Instead of Taking Action

    When You Keep Learning Instead of Taking Action

    “Begin, be bold, and venture to be wise.” ~Horace 

    It was day five without food, meditating in a cave in the Sahara desert.

    In 2009, I skipped out on two weeks of my senior year of college to go to the desert.

    Ever since I was a young I had been into exploring the boundaries of the self. I had always wanted a period of time when I could totally be alone for days—not a word spoken to me, where I could go deeper into my mind than ever before until I simply evaporated.

    So there I was.

    Just the desert sands, the sky, and me.

    And I was bored.

    The mind-bending impenetrable boredom was the first thing that hit me. Hard.

    And I’m not one of those people who is constantly multitasking. You can put me in a room for 3 hours and tell me to do something quietly and I’ll come out fine, sanity-intact.

    However, there was something so stubborn about this boredom. I was wondering if perhaps I should’ve just gone back to my daily meditation routine instead of flying all the way into the Sahara desert.

    The days eventually passed, the sun rose and set like it should, and every once in a while I had little visitors stop by.

    A dragonfly.

    I thought that was a little weird, since I knew dragonflies don’t go far from water.

    Two dragonflies. Hmm.

    Five dragonflies.

    A cloud of dragonflies flying in formation. That was pretty bizarre, I thought.

    As the days wore on, I started experiencing the subtle effects of hunger. Pain and nausea wore off after day 1—and afterwards I just experienced weakness from the lack of food. (more…)

  • Interview and Giveaway: The Game of You by Lynn Zavaro

    Interview and Giveaway: The Game of You by Lynn Zavaro

    Update: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly updates and to learn about future giveaways!

    The winners:

    Lynn Zavaro has very quickly become one of my greatest role models.

    When she first submitted a post to Tiny Buddha (50 Creative Questions to Help You Create the Life You Want) I felt like she was living inside my head.

    Lynn realizes that the most important factor for our happiness is coming to know ourselves—and she also understands the internal blocks that hold us back from living the lives we dream about. Why? Because she’s human and imperfect, just like everyone else, and she’s lived a bold life of self-discovery, authenticity, and adventure.

    An artist, writer, and teacher, Lynn holds a Masters degree in Counseling Psychology. This combination of experience gives her a unique insight into human nature—and she leveraged it to create a fun, creative book and card deck set called The Game of You.

    I received my set a few weeks back, and I’ve become addicted. The Game of You provides a simple, enjoyable way to understand and stretch yourself, little by little, every day.

    I’m excited that Lynn took some time to share a little about herself and her work, and also that she’s generously offered to give away 5 sets of The Game of You.

    The Giveaway

    To win 1 of 5 free sets of The Game of You:

    • Leave a comment on this post.
    • Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Giveaway and Interview: The Game of You by Lynn Zavaro http://bit.ly/tEit98

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, November 4th. If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step.

    The Interview

    1. Many Tiny Buddha readers may know you as an insightful, giving writer and artist, as you’ve contributed a wide range of inspiring, thought-provoking posts to the site! Can you tell us a little more about yourself?

    First off I have to say what an honor it is to contribute to Tiny Buddha. I have personally received so much from it–so a big thank you to you Lori and to the Tiny Buddha community! (more…)

  • 10 Ways Overcome Conflicts in Relationships and Grow Together

    10 Ways Overcome Conflicts in Relationships and Grow Together

    “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

    About six months into a serious relationship with my boyfriend, we started experiencing major conflict. Fighting over small things, flipping out over misunderstandings, we just couldn’t seem to get on the same page about anything. This caused me to think about relationship conflict in general, what causes it, and how to deal with it.

    It’s clear that relationship conflict occurs because expectations aren’t being met. Each person comes into a relationship with certain expectations. These are based on past experiences, childhood, or how you think things should be.

    The problem is that no two people think the same, no matter how much you have in common.

    A lot of couples see conflict as a time to bail—either because they were already looking for a way out or because they freak out and feel threatened. When our ego feels threatened, it activates our flight-or-fight response. Sometimes it may be hard to get resolution on a conflict, making matters worse.

    Instead of seeing conflict as a threat to a relationship, what if we reframed this and saw conflict as an opportunity and a sign of growth in a relationship?

    This requires understanding that conflict will inevitably occur in a close relationship. The only way of getting around it is to not share your opinion at all, which is not healthy.

    So what if we focused on sharing our opinions in a way that is productive?

    To do this:  (more…)

  • Getting Back Up After You Fall

    Getting Back Up After You Fall

    “If you get up one more time than you fall, you will make it through.” ~Chinese Proverb

    Last year I had emergency open heart surgery. Shortly after the procedure, two nurses entered my room and gave me terrible news: I had to walk.

    That may not sound like a big deal, but open heart surgery is brutal. Simple things like being able to sit up or change position once my backside became sore were agony. Getting to the walker, a mere several steps away from my bed, was an extreme effort.

    My goal was to walk around the nurse’s station, and I might as well have been told to walk to the moon.

    Despite a punctured lung (a surgical accident), I concentrated on regular deep breaths and slow deliberate steps. I was so focused on these two things that the pain, while still significant, slipped away.

    By the time I made it back to my bed, I wanted to cry and laugh—I had made it!

    The next day was very different, as I’d been having a difficult time. I couldn’t seem to muster the strength to get out of bed; finally, out of desperation, I cried and gasped out that I couldn’t do it. One of the nurses very firmly but compassionately told me I could.

    With her help, I somehow managed to stand on both feet and stagger to the walker. As I made my tour of the station, the deep breathing and deliberate walking allowed me to calm down enough to cope with the pain and the severe depression I’d been battling.

    It had hurt so much to move that morning, but once I stood up and took that first step, things started to get better.

    From that moment on, I knew that I had the strength to conquer this physical challenge. I walked every day, right up until I was released. By far it was the greatest and most painful thing I had ever accomplished.

    The stumbles and falls we suffer in life can be very much like physical ones. Have you ever actually fallen? Aside from the embarrassment, what thoughts ran through your mind?

    Did you: (more…)

  • Knowing When to Walk Away from Unrequited Love

    Knowing When to Walk Away from Unrequited Love

    “Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom

    To say that love hasn’t obeyed my expectations would be the understatement of the century.

    I have not been lucky in love. I’ve been blessed with some amazing moments over the years, but somehow have managed to choose partners who did not want what I wanted, did not feel what I felt, and did not want to walk beside me into a future together.

    I have really had to sit with this and try and figure out what part of this was my doing, and how to change it, because this year I once again chose a partner who was not walking with me. Except this time not only was he not walking with me but he was subtly trying to kick my feet from under me every chance he got.

    I once again entered into a relationship desperate to find love and instead found a beautiful disaster. Love is a blessing, this we know. Unrequited love is toxic, and it can eat you alive.

    Falling in love can be a slippery slope, regardless of any protective barriers we may have built. It can ease in like a light a mist that settles itself beautifully over your life, or it can blindside you.

    Often we fall in love with a person before we have fully gotten to know them. By this point it’s too late—you’ve already stretched your heart for someone capable of bruising it. This is what love requires: utmost vulnerability and trust. Hopes and expectations rise along with the awareness that it can slip away.

    I suggest we do our best to live in the moment. Love is elastic. It stretches and retracts and changes shape constantly. It is very uncertain. One day you are over the moon and the next disillusioned.

    The elastic can break. You can re-tie it, but there is now a knot. Suddenly that perfect perception of the other person is a little bit tainted. Something rocked the pedestal. Sometimes we can recover from this, sometimes we can’t. 

    Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love. Buddhism teaches us to love without expectation. There are a lot of belief systems about love and I question them often. If your love is shared and you are both happy I assume you wouldn’t have to question love at all. (more…)

  • Listen to the Moment: Knowing What to Do Now

    Listen to the Moment: Knowing What to Do Now

    “If we are not fully ourselves, truly in the present moment, we miss everything.”  ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Today, out of the blue, I got two connection-request messages on LinkedIn from two children’s authors. I don’t know either one, personally. I’m not involved with children’s literature. Why was I receiving these requests? I could have thought, “That’s strange” and just let it go. Instead, I explored how this unusual coincidence might relate to what was going on in my life at that moment.

    For a few days, I’ve been having the urge to write something new and have done nothing about. When I got those connection requests, they reminded me about my urge to write.

    Hmmm. Authors. Writing. More than a reminder, I took this as a call to action. Instead of ignoring the invitations, I decided that these synchronous events were a “message from the universe” encouraging me to obey that writing urge. So here I am, writing this article.

    I believe that the universe always provides us with clues, helpers, prompts, kicks in the butts, hints at solutions to problems—whatever we need to accomplish what we need to accomplish, or to learn something, or to move forward in some way, and so on. All we need to do is be open to hearing/seeing/receiving those messages.

    Every day, subtle (and not so subtle) things happen, things that we ignore, pass by, or perhaps don’t even notice.

    We need to learn to listen to the moment—to increase our awareness of, and be receptive to, those little prompts, clues, signals, and messages that come up for every one of us.

    Synchronicity:

    “An apparently meaningful coincidence in time of two or more similar or identical events that are causally unrelated” (Dictionary.com) and “the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events…that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality” (Mirriam-Webster.com).

    I don’t think it’s coincidence at all, nor are they causally unrelated. However, if we receive them as personal messages, these events, messages, signals can definitely be meaningful. (more…)

  • Stop Pushing: The Art of Relaxed Achievement

    Stop Pushing: The Art of Relaxed Achievement

    “Some people think it’s holding that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

    A few weeks ago, I took a sip of my morning tea hoping that the day would be better than the prior ones. I had somehow tripped over the cracks of life and couldn’t seem to pull myself back. I had woken up feeling eager to start a new day, but like every other day of my life, within the first few hours, things had gotten off track.

    I was stuck in a downward vortex of fear, anxiety and self-ridicule. I read my Yogi tea bag message, “It’s not life that matters; it’s the courage that we bring to it.”

    I held back my tears because my courage was feeling impossibly deflated. I was sick of trying so hard.

    How much courage do we really need to live our lives?

    I realized then that my entire life I’d felt like a fraud. I was renting someone else’s life, trying to pretend that it was me. My only consistency was my inconsistency with not being true and honoring myself. It is exhausting to be someone you’re not supposed to be.

    Society conditioned me to believe if you want something you have to work hard to get it. And I worked really hard accepting the fact that life was supposed to be an uphill struggle. All my relationships were superficial. I forced a smile to hide the fact that I felt all alone.

    Everyone I knew wanted to talk about the latest fashion buzz, who won American Idol, or what Snookie’s latest drama was. I pretended to be interested, but I was more curious about the pull on my heart. It kept prickling and nagging as to say, “There is more than this, honey.”

    For over a decade I lived this delusional nightmare of codependency and a search for security with success.

    I chose all my romantic relationships carefully to escape the painful reality of my anxiety. I’d pick partners who were addicted to numbing their pain, too. We’d escape life by doing drugs together and drinking over the fear.

    I finally got up enough courage to recognize that the relationship was unhealthy and I would end it only to find myself back in the arms of another addiction—overeating, over exercising, overworking; more men, more drugs. I stayed in a constant state of denial, consumed by my fear-based mind.

    I was always waiting for the next thing to happen— the next promotion, the next boyfriend, the next anything to drag me out of the depression. It never occurred to me that “pushing” was the problem. My inner drive was really just a cry for help—a call for love.

    I believed the root of my depression was my job in marketing. So after many attempts I finally left that position to pursue a new dream. Again the pushing overtook my world. I declared I would be a travel writer and pushed my way into that industry.  (more…)

  • The Real Measure of Your Wealth

    The Real Measure of Your Wealth

    “The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.” ~Unknown

    A wonderful story from the yogic tradition highlighting the true meaning of wealth goes something like this:

    There was once a beggar who spent his days sitting under an old banyan tree on the side of a dusty road that led to a bustling town. The man had been begging in that spot for years, rattling an old tin can hoping that passers-by would feel compassion and offer alms.

    Yet, at the end of each day he would only have collected one or two rupees, barely enough to buy a dry chapati and a cup of sweet chai.

    One day a wise man approached. Witnessing the beggar’s plight he called out, “My man, why are you wasting your days begging in this way? If you dig right where you are, you will discover great treasure!”

    Desperate about his impoverished situation and intrigued by this idea, the beggar decided to take the wise man’s advice. Using his bare hands he began digging the earth under where he had been sitting.

    To his utter amazement the beggar discovered a huge bag of rare, gold coins.

    Dancing with joy he declared, “Had I realized I was sitting on top of great wealth I could have eased my suffering years ago!” 

    I was once like the beggar, always seeking ways to fill the empty bowl of my perceived lack, believing that if I worked and saved hard enough I would ensure financial security. However, on October 6th 2008, the bubble of that illusion burst when my husband and I discovered our bank had dramatically collapsed.

    Suddenly finding myself looking into the grim face of my worst possible fear, I knew I had to change my understanding of what the energy of money represented and discover the source of true wealth.

    As a young adult, I had inherited a strong work ethic from my father along with a subconscious belief that money was “hard to come by.” As a consequence, I had become terrified of lack and even more terrified of loss. (more…)

  • How to Meditate at Any Time without Meditating

    How to Meditate at Any Time without Meditating

    “If we are not fully ourselves, truly in the present moment, we miss everything.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Flour. Salt. Water. Yeast. As I push the warm, soft dough against my palm, I feel the cold stone countertop underneath. I feel my hips leaning up against the cabinets. I hear my breath inside my head.

    As I knead the dough, it changes. The dough becomes more elastic and flexible, ready to rise and be baked into a crusty loaf.

    As I make bread, I change. My thoughts go quiet. I come into the now.

    I have struggled with an inconsistent meditation practice for months. In those moments when I successfully meditate and clear my mind, I feel such a sense of accomplishment and peace.

    But as any beginning meditator knows, those moments are few and far between.

    Usually, my scattered mind is split between keeping track of the time, trying to quiet the voice in my head, and chastizing my body for fidgeting. 

    I struggled and pushed myself to meditate properly with little success, until I realized that any act can be a meditation.

    I discovered this fundamental insight through books by Eckhart Tolle and Thich Nhat Hanh. It is not so important to sit with a perfectly erect spine for twenty minutes per day in meditative bliss. What is important is to be here, in the now. Living your life. Noticing what is. Noticing life.

    So often throughout our days we are lost in our thoughts. We may be on the train or in the shower, but in our heads we are already giving that important presentation, having the difficult conversation, worrying about and planning for what might happen next. (more…)

  • How to Stop Being a Victim and Start Creating Your Life

    How to Stop Being a Victim and Start Creating Your Life

    “In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die.  And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”  ~Eleanor Roosevelt

    “They” say things happen at the “right” time. For me hearing a presentation, live, by Jack Canfield, came at the perfect time.

    I was in San Diego, the traveling babysitter for my precious 5-month old granddaughter, while my daughter attended a nutrition conference. It was an all around win-win situation—a new place to sightsee and of course spend quality (alone) time with baby Rachel and daughter Penina.

    When I found out Jack Canfield was the final key speaker, I jumped at the chance to attend. And the topic certainly resonated with me—“getting from where you are to where you want to be.” Now how’s that for someone in transition working to carve out a new path!

    There were a lot of takeaways, fabulous ideas to hold onto; so much so that I’ve been carrying around his book, The Success Principles, and studying it since I got home.

    One thing that really speaks to me is this idea of taking 100% responsibility for one’s life.

    As a society, we are so quick to assign blame and pull out all the excuses as to why something did or did not happen.

    All the “He made me, she made me….” finger pointing. There’s a reason why “the dog ate it” became such a classic excuse.

    We relinquish all power when we go there. Where are we in this? I know that by nature many of us are passive recipients of life and are at the mercy of what befalls us.

    In my workshops with parents on teaching responsibility, many are stuck or love acting in their role as helicopter parents, swooping down to save, rescue, and do all for their kids—all under the guise of, “The more I do for my child, the better parent I am.”

    And therefore what are we teaching our kids when they come in to class and tell the teacher, “My mom forgot to pack my lunch”?

    Then there’s the parent who comes ranting to school, “Don’t suspend my little Stevie for calling Andy names and hitting him in the playground; his sister does that to him at home, it’s no big deal.”

    We are facilitating the perpetuation of an entitled breed of human beings.

    In my practice as a therapist, clients would talk for years about being stuck because of what their dysfunctional nuclear families did to them.  “My mother did this, my father that…”

    And then of course there’s me. What comes all too naturally for me is my quick ability to find fault with others, to pass judgment and criticize.

    Who is to blame—why, my mother of course, queen of “judgmentalism.” I fight against these tendencies constantly.  But they do rear their ugly head often enough.  I guess it’s in my bloodstream. I’m aware of it; I work at it. I know where it comes from; therefore that explains it but it certainly does not excuse it.

    This is my problem, my issue. What matters is how I handle it and work to respond differently—to catch myself while it’s doing its internal dance before it parts from my lips.  (more…)

  • 12 Gifts You Can Enjoy Now: Improve Your Outlook on Life

    12 Gifts You Can Enjoy Now: Improve Your Outlook on Life

    “If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” ~ Mary Engelbreit

    About 10 years ago, I started on a journey any college dropout would embark on to quell the little voices in my head that said, “If you want to be happy, earn good money, and validate your choice of quitting college, you better get moving.”

    This epiphany fueled my mission. What was my mission of choice?

    Get rich quick schemes. The guy on the TV said it would work so it must be legitimate, right? Needless to say, I dangerously careened out of control in the years to follow with each scheme I bought into.

    At rock bottom and nearly bankrupt, I did some serious soul searching sprinkled with a little counseling. I learned I was correlating my level of life satisfaction with the size of my bank account.

    At that time, I was not happy with my meager vocation or the person I had become. The wealthy, extraordinary life I longed for was vanishing further out of reach with each passing year.

    I didn’t realize it, but I was searching for something I already had. Cloaked before me, right within my immediate reach was a beautiful life worth living. All I had to do was open my eyes and change my perspective.

    Change Your Perspective

    Maybe you feel like the fire is gone and there’s just nothing exciting in your life. Maybe you’re just plain disheartened with who you have become and the life you are living.

    No matter how discontent you might feel, know it’s only temporary. You can choose to change that feeling if you lift your veil of dismay and aim to create clarity about your life and what matters. (more…)