Tag: wisdom

Create Happiness through Honesty, Acceptance and Persistence

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” -Dalai Lama

I’ve spent most of my life engaged in “if only” scenarios. I’ve spent hours predicting my ideal future or rehashing the past, imagining what life would be like now if only I had done X, Y, and Z when I was 15.

When not lost in imaginations of my own making I would be cursing myself, telling myself that I should have achieved certain things by now.

Of course this only led to misery and dejection. By focusing on what I didn’t have, or what I felt I should have, I was playing the victim, abdicating responsibility to external forces.

Not once did I stop and think that things weren’t happening for me because I was doing nothing to make things happen.

I was caught in a rut of working hard Monday to Friday, drinking hard Friday and Saturday, and spending Sundays wrapped in a blanket on the couch, hung over, laptop open trying to fill the void in me. I was in danger of becoming an overweight, unattractive slob.

I had all the trappings of success. I was earning very good money for someone my age. I could buy all the clothes, DVDs, and CDs that I wanted.

Holidays were no problem; at the drop of a hat I could go on a weekend to London or a week-long trip to New York.

However, like so many stories you read, I was only using material goods to fill the gap in my soul, looking for temporary joy while neglecting long-term happiness.

Things came to a head for me in autumn of 2008. I was working hard on a project for work. I knew it was slipping away from me and wouldn’t turn out as expected, yet I was too proud to ask for help and just internalized all the stress. (more…)

March 1, 2012
5 Tips to Achieve Your Goals Despite the Odds

“Excellence can be obtained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible.” ~Unknown

After several excruciatingly painful and profoundly frightening years of undiagnosed symptoms, I was diagnosed with a “progressive and incurable” neurological disease, Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (RSD/CRPS). It’s characterized by unrelenting pain that is disproportionate to the inciting event, usually an injury or trauma.

As luck would have it I was diagnosed and, shortly after, hospitalized for the first of three times, just as I was accepted into a Master’s program for clinical social work.

I always saw myself obtaining a Master’s Degree and a Ph.D., but how would I accomplish these grueling and seemingly impossible tasks if I could barely stand up long enough to brush my teeth on a cocktail of the most potent narcotics available?

I didn’t have the answer to this question, and a flood of fear and doubt rose up within me like a tsunami crashing onto the shore, drowning hope and destroying all of the life in its path.

I pushed onward despite overwhelming feelings of fear and medical professionals suggesting that I should quit graduate school and go on disability.

That was three years ago, and now I have a Master’s Degree in clinical social work (MSW) and a professional license to boot (LSW). Not to mention, I no longer take any medication for the RSD/CRPS thanks to coffee enemas, a vegan diet (heavy on the fresh, organic fruit and vegetable juices), and a will and desperation to be healthy.* (more…)

February 29, 2012
Your Most Important To-Do List

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” ~Pericles

Every day we are swamped by tasks. Catch up on work. Buy groceries. Reply to those emails. Do the housework. Hand in that project. Pick up the dry-cleaning. Make that appointment. Go to the gym.

The constant connection to social media, as amazing and valuable as it can be, adds even more tiny tasks to our never-ending to-do-lists. Upload. Download. Tweet. Reply. Blog. Comment. Follow. Pin. Update. Check-in. Watch. Like. Read. Send.

My to-do’s are pinned up on my wall, stuck on my laptop, written on my iPhone, and floating around in my mind almost constantly.

With all these never-ending tasks consuming me all day, it’s easy to become stressed, irritable, and negative, and to forget what is most important: love, happiness, kindness, laughter, and gratitude.

To help me stay grounded during my day, I created my most important to-do list. Seeing this everyday reminds me of what really matters, and helps me to maintain positivity, clarity, and peace amongst the craziness.

Your Most Important To-Do List:

1. Smile at yourself.

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

How many times do you see your reflection in a day? And how many times do you see yourself actually looking happy? (more…)

February 28, 2012
How to Come Home to Yourself

“Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it’s dark.” ~Zen Proverb

There was once a man who loved to complain and find fault with everyone and everything. Nothing pleased him, so he moved from one town to another, declaring as he left each place:

“I am going to another town, where the people are friendlier.”

A wise man perceived what the problem was, and as the angry man began striding along the dusty road to yet another destination, the wise man compassionately called out:

“Oh brother, moving from place to place does not serve you well. Wherever you go, there you will also find yourself. Your shadow is always with you.”

It took me a long time to understand that, in part, this was my story too. In early 2001, after taking leave of my job and arriving at an ashram in India, I anticipated the months there would be filled with experiences of light, peace, and expansion.

However, within days I was assigned to work with a young woman who could be charming one minute and explosive the next. I was shocked and began pondering:

“How could such an angry person be in this sacred place?”

Finally, after an episode of her screaming, purple with rage in response to the way I had handled a project, I realized it was time to take a deeper look at myself.

Self-reflection took little time to reveal that there was anger, oodles of it, bubbling under the surface of my calm demeanor. Safely kept in check for as long as I could remember, the rarified energy of this meditative environment was revealing my long lost friend, the “shadow.” (more…)

February 26, 2012
The Fortune in Fear

“He is able who thinks he is able.” ~Buddha

I remember hearing this idea somewhere that courage was not the absence of fear, but rather, the ability to do something in the presence of it.

I am scared of being on a boat. I always was. When I was 18, I dated a guy who had a boat, and I decided to brave my fear and get on it for a three day voyage across the Mediterranean. I know, I could have started by peddling in a canoe in a pond, but no—three days, no sight of land.

There was a guy on the boat who was all tough and cool, and he kept saying, “Come on get over it.”

He missed the point. I got over it. I was on the boat; that was about as much as I could do. Scared of it, and yet doing it.

I asked the cool, tough guy what he was afraid of, and he said horses. I happened to have a horse and to not be scared of them an ounce. I invited him to join me after the boat debacle. He said never. Aha! I was on the boat, and he would not come to ride a horse. Get my drift?

Well, I am scared of public speaking, and there I was last month doing a TEDx Talk. The fear was so strong some nights that I literally stayed up till dawn. But I did it. I loved it actually.

Maybe there is a direct link between how hard I imagined it would be and how joyful it felt to complete it.

As long as we don’t let it stop us, fear is a friend, believe it or not. It ignites more power inside of us, so we can jump higher. It is the fear, the managed fear that fuels our engines.

I am still scared of boats and speaking in public, and I am still going to do both. I have never spoken to anyone who said they were afraid of doing something and regretted doing it after they overcame their fear.

We feel good when we overcome our fears. We know we are bigger than them.

We know that we are meant to transcend them.

That is why we love watching athletes push beyond the average boundaries. We instinctively know what they had to overcome to get to where we see them. And to witness someone overcome their fear is a sure way to ignite our engines!

Photo by mdpai75

February 23, 2012
Dealing with Uncertainty: 5 Tips to Create Trust and Patience

“If you’re going to doubt something, doubt your own limits.” ~Don Ward

So far I’ve gone from Sydney to Melbourne, Melbourne to Moruya, Moruya to Sydney, and Sydney to Brisbane, and my Australian adventure continues.

I’m now about to depart from Brisbane and settle in on the Gold Coast in Queensland for the next few months while I get my yoga teacher certification and continue to explore this beautiful country.

It’s been five months, ten days, and four hours since I landed at the Sydney International airport from Los Angeles. When I first left, I had no real expectations other than to fully experience as much of this country as I could.

I had no specific plans other than to allow myself to be guided closer toward inner peace and freedom. There was no way of knowing how or if things were going to work in my favor.

How can we ever really know if things will ultimately work in our favor?

We can’t necessarily know, but we can absolutely believe they will.

When we re-commit ourselves each day to the possibilities of a bright and incredible life, each day begins to reveal more direction, and the clarity we seek emerges from the uncertainty.

I recently heard Tony Robbins say, “The quality of our lives is directly related to the amount of uncertainty we can live with comfortably.” This has become a daily mantra for me.

When we don’t know where we’re headed, that doesn’t mean we’re heading somewhere undesirable. We can focus on everything that could go wrong, or we can focus on everything that could go right.

Happiness depends upon our ability to make friends with the unknown, to respect and enjoy it, and to fully embrace and welcome it.

Some of my personal goals has been to start my own business and continue finding writing opportunities that pay me and allow me to help others through sharing my experiences. (more…)

February 23, 2012
Getting Out of a Rut and Working on a Passion

“We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.” – Charles R. Swindoll

For twenty-something me, a college drop-out utterly overwhelmed with choice and bewildered by unemployment, it can easily feel like a void of nothingness, so black and dense there is little point in considering a future beyond it.

I see friends studying Economics, English, and Engineering. They’ve joined their circus, and I haven’t even started yet. I’m behind, I’ll never catch-up; I’ll be the kid that got held up.

College has structure, solidity, a process, respect, certification, and a certain standing. Without it I’m a light-weight who dropped out and couldn’t handle it. I’m fit to flip burgers and shut up.

Or, maybe it’s okay to try a different method of travel for the time being.

Feeling a thousand times behind, like I wasted time—this is the feeling that mired me in a rut. Falling into the rut is different for all of us, but how we get out? Not so different.

When we imagine the worst possible outcome for our choices, this creates that pit-in-the-stomach feeling, which then cycles in our head, until suddenly it seems like our whole world is falling apart.

I’m sure there are many people out there like me, maybe of a different age, feeling stuck, confused, nervous, anxious, and not just lost but somehow behind.

I was stuck dwelling on everything I thought I did wrong, when it occurred to me that I couldn’t find any solutions until I cleared my head. Only when I stop obsessing and over-analyzing can I think clearly and make decisions I can trust.

So I did that, and started to find my way out of this rut. Here is what I learned: (more…)

February 22, 2012
Control Less, Trust More: How I Learned to Relax and Let Go

“The closest to being in control we’ll ever be is in that moment when we realize we’re not.” ~Brian Kessler

My nine-year-old son said something so profoundly right that it kept me awake. He said that in order for him to be happier I would need to let go of controlling him all the time.

Now granted he is young, and believe me, if I didn’t tell him to get dressed he’d run outside in PJs, but I was struck by his wisdom because this is also my obstacle to becoming happier.

In the past, the more I felt out of control, the more I tried to control others. We moved many times, sometimes to different continents for my husband’s job. We had children, and not all of them planned.

My husband and I drifted apart over the years, realizing we are very different and have completely diverging core values. I became sick with an eating disorder, a scary and tricky disease.

I felt overwhelmed, scared, alone, and lost. This is where the controlling mind came to rescue and took over. In time, my eating disorder became stronger than me, and yet also a familiar friend.

I tried to control both my eating and my body—and also the lives of everyone around me.

The emptier my marriage felt, the more I tried and control my husband’s behavior at home. The more I felt overwhelmed with my job as a mother, the more I structured my kids’ activities, often making them do things they didn’t want to do. Needless to say that didn’t help to foster my relationships with them.

I tried to control every aspect of their lives. Whether it was the lunches that needed to be made with a specific type of bread, or the homework having to be done at this time of the day, or the decision of which movie to watch, I told them how to do it and had a hard time letting them make their own choices.

I was hardly ever wrong—at least I didn’t think so. I thought control equals security equals happiness, up until the day when I took a close look at my life and found that nobody around me was smiling anymore.

They were miserable. They lit up when their dad came home because he did things with them that were fun and, best of all they never knew what would happen with him. With me they could foresee everything, and the routines were never fun or joyful. (more…)

February 20, 2012
Refill Your Glass: A Simple Way to Make the Most of Yourself

“Make the most of yourself, because that’s all there is of you.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Twelve years ago, my husband and I were preparing to adopt our son. As part of the process we were required to take parenting classes.

One of the classes was about taking care of ourselves so that we could take care of others. Given the difficult journey that parenting can be, the instructor encouraged us to “refill our glass.”

Honestly, I couldn’t relate to what he meant. I was young and excited about having a family. Silently I dismissed his suggestion that parenting or anything in my life, for that matter, would challenge me so much that I would need to “refill my glass.”

Eventually I figured out what he meant—and it isn’t just for parents. All of us need to refill our glass so that we can live happy and fulfilling lives.

Refilling my glass is taking those mindful, deliberate actions to improve my mental state and attitude—to lift myself up so that I can continue on a positive path with energy and good intention. I found that by refilling my glass, I could be happy despite the ups and downs that life presents.

Sometimes it’s hard to take the time to figure what we need and why. And it’s easy to feel like a victim.

In fact, there have been times in my life it when I have preferred to be a victim to my circumstances. When that happens my glass is dry. Thanks to my husband, friends, and websites like Tiny Buddha, I’ve learned how much I can benefit by making the effort to refill my glass.

I’d like to share some simple ideas that helped me:

Watch.

When I was dealing with a lot stress last year, I felt down and lacked energy. I was going through life in a robotic way. No excitement, no fulfillment. While I didn’t know it, this was a sign that my glass needed refilling. (more…)

February 19, 2012
Feeling Love Outside of a Relationship

“There is no Love greater than Love with no object. For then you, yourself, have become love, itself.” ~Rumi

I have spent most of my life as a professional, half of that in Asia: managing a division of a company, doing long-term meditation retreats, and establishing cottage industries for impoverished refugees.

A long-term relationship was impossible since Asian men marry Asian women; European men had European wives and Asian lovers.

Along the way I thought I could give more value to the world by remaining single than being married with children.

I met a woman working at the UN who had raised a family. She suggested another scenario: there is a man who would love to join me in this endeavor.

We could raise children who also want to make a difference, thus making a bigger difference. I just had to find him.

She introduced me to a man who did want to make a difference while living in remote areas—exactly what I enjoyed. However, he wanted a wife to live in a city to raise his children, someone of the same ethnicity.

When I returned in 1998 to live in the US after 18 years in Asia, I experienced reverse culture shock. How people lived their lives (working non-stop at a job they did not like), what their priorities were (money, stuff, and power) and especially how they related to each other (networking to sell stuff, or to find a better job), was antithetical to my way of life. (more…)

February 16, 2012
Forgive Yourself and Change Your Choices

For almost four years I held onto a feeling that I had somehow done something wrong—that I hadn’t tried hard enough, that I had somehow failed my daughter.

In May 2008 my daughter’s father had arrived home after staying out all night. He told me he no longer loved me, found me attractive, or even fancied me, and that at eight years younger than him I was “too old.”

I was completely stunned.

While our relationship had many of the usual flaws, we had never fought, and I’d believed him one month prior, after we bought a new home together, when he said he was the happiest he’d ever been in his 45 years.

After the initial shock had worn off, I moved into a house with my daughter and I began to reflect back. I realized that for the previous eight years, I had in fact been living in some sort of cloud-cuckoo land.

I realized I had overlooked many real issues that had existed between us because we had a child. I had worked full-time, putting our daughter in childcare, while he remained unemployed and “too depressed” to look after our girl, spending hour after hour laying on the sofa watching movies.

I had never questioned how he went out, bought a sports car, two motorbikes, and a yacht after coming into some family money, while I continued to pay for all food, child care expenses, and household expenses.

I suddenly realized all the “girl friends” he had and communicated with on a daily basis, via text and email, were in fact “girlfriends.”

And then I got angry; in fact, I became wild.

But I didn’t get angry with him; I turned that anger on myself. I hated who I had become.

How had I allowed myself to be hoodwinked by this financial opportunist?

This anger manifested in excessive spending. I racked up a lot of debt and I found myself feeling out of control. (more…)

February 15, 2012
A Simple Prescription for Natural Healing

“Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life but the ability to cope with it.” -Unknown

When my daughter, Nava, was critically ill, on a ventilator in a drug-induced coma for three months, one of the ICU doctors called me in after a couple of weeks to tell me that if she survives, it will be a long road.

He started writing out a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication to “help” me through this horrific ordeal. I certainly don’t fault him here as this was an extreme acute situation and he didn’t know if I could manage without falling apart.

His offering of “the pill” was an awakening.

I realized I better start doing something to keep myself strong so I can function through this and be by Navi’s side. This was my impetus for gearing up into self-preservation mode.

The next day I began my walking regime around the hospital streets. I started taking 30 minutes off from sitting by Navi’s bedside listening to every beep, bleep, and gurgle, to engage in my non-medicated self-prescription program.

Truth be told, I’ve been a walker for the past 17 years, since my friend dragged to the gym the summer of my separation. I guess I was ready because it didn’t take much coercion. A bit of “c’mon get moving; it’ll do you good” was all I needed. I showed up, and have never stopped.

It became a way of life, a grounding and healthy reprieve during my divorce, my working and going to school, and dealing with the illness and disabilities of Navi’s earlier years. I found something to hold to that I felt was keeping me healthy and strong, both psychologically and physically; and exercise was it.

And so when Doctor S. pulled out his prescription pad from his pocket, I pulled my exercise tool from mine; two working legs and I was on my way.

I at least wanted to give it a shot. But mind over matter, I knew then I wasn’t starting with any pills. Side effects are a biggie with my sensitive gut.

And that is how I functioned for the next year as I spent 12–15 hour days by her bedside and through her rehabilitation. (more…)

February 14, 2012
Reclaiming Valentine’s Day: 4 Real Expressions of Love

“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.” ~Marianne Williamson

Valentine’s Day. Yes, that day—the much maligned, much cherished, much hated, and much misunderstood day of the year.

I remember being traumatized in adolescence. Not only were we supposed to, according to peer-reviewed social norms, like people and get liked back on this holiday, my school made us do Valentine’s day card/candy exchanges.

We exchanged, in class, little pre-packaged cards and those infamous heart-shaped candies stamped with subtle expressions like “be mine.”

Do you recall these candy hearts that I’m describing? They come in variety packs, taste like chalk, and have words stamped on them like “marry me” and “real love.”

How traumatizing it was for me to pick the right heart to give to the right person in my class—I didn’t want to give the wrong person the wrong heart—and then, for the one girl I did have a crush on, to sheepishly hand her the candy that said, “kiss me.”

Part of the trouble was: Which candy heart to give to my friends that wasn’t too sissy or too heart-wrenchingly sappy? Certainly the one that said, “let’s cuddle” was not the right one.

But the worst part was feeling bad for the loner who didn’t get any candy exchanges and frantically trying to dig up one to give him that didn’t say “hottie” or “crush on you.”

And then after giving him something, having him give a candy back that said “best friends forever.” (Which now I find touching, as I write this. But, at the time, only found it to be extremely disconcerting.) (more…)

February 13, 2012
Every Great Dream Begins with a Dreamer

“Don’t let today’s disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dreams.” ~Unknown

As a little kid I liked to dream—big, whether it was believing my red-Huffy bicycle would one day turn into a Transformer or convincing myself that as an adult I’d be spending much of my time in Hollywood hosting “The Price is Right.” As I said, I liked to dream big. I still do sometimes.

If we think back to our childhood, we all can remember a time when our dreams didn’t seem that far away from us.

I remember spending countless hours in my basement pretending I was a rock star on my make believe stage. There I’d be holding my microphone (nothing more than the cardboard tube from the paper towel roll) belting out song after song from a collection of 45’s.

Truthfully I never really did sing as much as I bounced around like other rockers I saw on television. Yet I still believed there was always a chance that one day I’d be singing on stage with the best of them.

Well, puberty fixed that for me. And while my wife believes my voice isn’t half bad, I couldn’t really carry a tune if it had handles on it. Though I still like to pretend when I sing along with the car radio—windows closed of course.

Whether you’re a kid or an adult I guess there’s never really a shortage of big dreams in this world. Why should there be?

I mean what’s the harm for a young ball player to dream that one day he’ll hit the most homeruns of any major league baseball player or the high school actress who fantasizes about having her name on a Broadway marquee?

And what about the frustrated adult who dreams of a career that inspires their heart and soul rather than simply pays their bills? (more…)

February 12, 2012
A Small Guide to Big Changes

“It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.” ~Proverb

I recently made a discovery that massively increased the amount of change that I have been able to take on. Good stuff, too, like my eating habits and the amount that I exercise.

By this time last year, and the year before, I would have already dropped my New Year’s resolution. Maybe you have, too.

But there’s still a chance. There’s still time for some big changes this year.

With this small change, I’ve not only taking on big changes, but I’ve been able to sustain them. And add to them.

I’ve deepened my meditation practice. I’ve lost weight. I’ve reduced the amount of sugar I eat. I’ve dropped caffeine. I’ve increased the amount of yoga I do. I’ve started running again. And writing.

This has all happened since adopting one small trick that I had never heard about (and that frankly, I had never even read about).

It’s made change fun.

Here it is:

Start as small as you can. And do that small thing every day.

If I could see your face right now, chances are pretty good that I would see someone who looks a bit underwhelmed. (more…)

February 9, 2012
3 Lies to Eliminate to Start Living Up to Your Potential

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” ~Abraham Lincoln

I used to think that I would motivate myself to really live up to my full potential by reminding myself how much I wasn’t.

Well, that didn’t work.

Not that I didn’t get any results from chanting “You are so not living up to your full potential!” while getting out of bed, driving to work, doing the dishes, and combing my hair. Any time was a great time to remind myself. So I didn’t waste a second doing just that.

And I got results. Only not the ones I expected.

I became an expert on mindlessly browsing the web. I became an expert on constantly comparing myself to other people. I became an expert on feeling stuck. I became an expert on driving myself crazy with my non-stop “you are so stuck” chatter in my mind.

I felt drained, stuck, and low on energy; these were my daily companions.

So it shouldn’t be any wonder I grew less and less fond of my so-called motivational mantra that was doing anything but, well, motivating.

I’ve realized that living up to our full potential starts with eliminating three big lies: (more…)

February 8, 2012
Releasing the Urge to Push and Being Kind to Yourself Instead

“Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you.” ~John De Paola

Pushing has always been the way I get things done.

Actually, I should be more specific: pushing myself harder has been the way I get things done.

I grew up believing that life was hard, and that the only way to survive was to give up indulgences, buckle down, and trudge forward. Uphill. Against the wind.

In my small, suburban high school, I spent hours after my classes ended wrestling with quadratic equations.

I had the overwhelmingly generous help of my teachers, who tutored me for free in their after-school time. I had the patience of an incredibly gifted best friend to accompany me at study sessions.

Still, I felt alone in it all. I cried (weekly, probably) over math and science. Other subjects came easily to me, but the black-topped tables of the science classroom consumed my experience of school. I still remember how smooth and cold they were under my elbows.

I continued on to college at one of the most expensive private schools in the U.S., sinking into student loan debt with every lecture. When depression swept me away during my first college semester and my grades suffered, the only solution I saw was to work harder, to sleep less.

The results weren’t good: I exited the school year with deepening depression and a blossoming eating disorder.

It seemed the harder I tried, the worse things got.

Over the next several years, things improved, though I still didn’t feel like I had much control over my life. Happily, I fell in love at first sight with the prettiest (and kindest) girl I’d ever seen, and she shone her light into many of my dark corners. (more…)

February 7, 2012
Why Too Much Choice is Stressful and 7 Simple Ways to Limit It

“Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko

When I bought my car, I visited only one showroom. I’d made the decision that this was the car for me in around one hour, and chose not to spend more hours or days of my time going from one place to another to check other deals and different cars.

If I hadn’t have found this car, I would have gone to another dealer. However, I’ll never know if I could have saved money by haggling elsewhere, and I don’t care.

I’ve had my trusty and reliable vehicle for over six years now and so far, I’ve never had to pay more than general maintenance and upkeep. So it was worth every penny.

You may be shocked that I made such a large and important purchase in this manner (and I’m not a wealthy person by any means). But I was confident it was a good deal when I found it and it’s never let me down.

I now make most of my purchases like this. I’ll give myself a single option (like shopping at just one store), or will limit them (such as browsing four vacation brochures instead of fifteen), and once I’m happy with the decision, I’ll stick with it.

Why? Because I think too much choice is stressful. And you can quite literally send yourself crazy with it, like I did.

Choice anxiety!

At one time, my need to “shop around” and my desire to keep options open before making decisions was bordering on obsessive. I dithered. I wore myself out. I got confused, and even anxious, when I needed to buy stuff, even if it was just a new winter coat. (more…)

February 7, 2012
Will You Get Bitter or Better?

“Instead of complaining that the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy the thorn bush has roses.” ~Proverb

I am a member of a mercifully small subset of society. I am the mother of a dead child.

Twenty years ago, my daughter Grace—my first child, my only girl—was born prematurely and died 32-minutes later. As I write this, I am astonished that it has been twenty years since I met my daughter for the only time.

Time stopped for me when Grace took her last little breath. And I was certain that my life could never start again.

I was wrong.

Here’s what made all the difference in my healing:

Over time, I learned to bless the thorns in my life. I began to see that the thorn and rose define one another. Since, one cannot exist without the other, we can only enjoy the rose when we embrace the thorn.

As a society, though, we make healing from loss very difficult. We unintentionally tell each other lies about suffering and the healing process.

One of those lies is that “Time heals all wounds.”

If time healed all wounds, why do so many people suffer their entire lives from things that happened decades ago?

As one of the bereavement experts I studied explained, it’s not “time” that heals all wounds. It’s hard work. And hard work takes time.

Here is some of the hard work of healing: (more…)

February 5, 2012
Stop Focusing on Lack to Fully Enjoy Your Experiences

“Not what we have but what we enjoy constitutes our abundance.” ~Epicurus

Yoga retreats in rural getaways nestled in tropical mountain spaces. Exploration trips for pleasure and business on the east and west coasts. Bike riding and people watching on Santa Monica Boulevard.

Recognition and sponsorship from leaders in my professional circle. Adventures with my husband and daughters in Jamaica.

Even with all these rich life experiences, still my focus was always the same: If I could just have more money, my life could finally get good.

The past year found me deep on a journey to discover the muted parts of my life.

Through meditation, exercise, candid conversations, and radical self-expression, I’ve learned so much about myself, the influence my past has had on my present, and the ways in which I’ve been hiding.

Some of these revelations have been stark, not the least of which is the realization that a good chunk of my mutedness is rooted in one five-letter word: money.

For most of us, it’s inarguable that we need money to cover our day-to-day lives.

Even with my minimalist tendencies, I’m not one to give away the majority of all I own and take a vow of poverty. Truth is, I’m way too attached to shoes, obnoxiously loud colors of nail polish, and unconstructed blazers to fully adopt the less-is-more philosophy.

I can say though, that the more I release from my life (both physically and emotionally), the more access I gain to my Higher Self.

This access opened my eyes to a finding that has already created significant changes in my relationship with the energy of money. I’ve made it one of my daily life chants:

While you design your best life,

don’t chase the money,

crave the experience.

I’ve always chased money. More specifically, I’ve always viewed my connection with money akin to patches of grass. I’d earn enough to cover a bit of ground, but never enough to cover a respectable-sized lawn. (more…)

February 2, 2012