Tag: wisdom
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When It’s Time Tell Your Story: How to Step Out of Hiding and Into Healing
“One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through, and it will be someone else’s survival guide.” ~Brené Brown
“Hey, can I call you?” read the text from my cousin Dani.
“Of course,” I responded, nervously drawing in a deep breath.
I had recently shared some painful experiences with a family member we are both close to. I assumed Dani had heard what I’d said about our family, and I wasn’t sure if she’d be upset by the secrets I had exposed.
Throughout my life I had always been told to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything was just fine. I was taught that expressing ‘negative’ emotions may upset others. God forbid.
My mother died from breast cancer when I was only twelve, and on my last visit with her, I was told, “Don’t cry; you don’t want to upset your mother.” The “suppress all emotion” mentality continued after her death while I was conditioned to hide the verbal and emotional abuse I endured as a teen/young adult.
In my mid-forties I began trauma therapy and was diagnosed with complex PTSD. I began journaling to process the various ordeals I had experienced throughout my life. I am a list-person and found cataloging each incident with its associated emotions a beneficial way to absorb all that I had endured.
When the full inventory of traumas was complete, I just sat there and stared at the paper, my hand over my mouth. Seeing them together, the pain and the scars, I was stunned by the sheer volume. It was as if a blindfold had been removed, and I could see it all so clearly now.
I had spent my entire life keeping quiet and acting like everything was okay. I would alter myself, lessen myself, bend to placate others and suit whatever narrative would keep the peace. When that blindfold fell away, I knew I was done.
I purposefully made the choice to stop abandoning myself. I was tired of being the version of myself that everyone found tolerable. To keep the peace? Whose peace? I certainly wasn’t at peace, and I didn’t want to live like that for one more second.
I would step out of hiding and bravely bare my scars and tell my story. I have heard the stories others have been bold enough to share and found such comfort in the similarities; I felt like maybe I wasn’t alone.
I now felt the call to tell my truth in the hopes of being a source of encouragement for others who struggle with childhood trauma and mental illness.
It was scary, but I hesitantly began telling those closest to me. My husband and children knew the main pieces of my trauma, but I filled them in on all the rest of it. I became more courageous after that and slowly confided in other friends and family, exposing generational trauma, abuse, and abandonment. I was fully transparent and spared no one, not even myself.
As anticipated, there were unfavorable reactions where I received criticism over my sharing of this type of content. However, those negative responses were the exception, not the rule. I was pleasantly surprised that the majority were positive and incredibly validating. Some even thanked me for sharing my story, telling me what an impact it made or how helpful they found it.
Some family members, including my cousin Dani, corroborated the trauma and abuse. That was so healing for me to hear, especially when facing disapproval from others. What happened to me was true, even if there are some who want to dismiss or minimize it. A handful even shared their own stories of survival with me after hearing mine.
One critic asked why I felt the need to put all this negativity out there. They understood the need to journal to process my trauma, but talking to others about it seemed outlandish to them. They felt it would do more harm than good.
My entire life I had been conditioned to hide the truth and pretend like all was well, ignoring my own needs in favor of everyone else:
- Never be sad, even if your mom dies when you are a kid.
- Never be disappointed, even if your dad doesn’t step up for you.
- Never be angry, even if your stepfather screams at you.
- Never be upset, even if your stepmother demeans and excludes you.
In trauma therapy, I learned that hiding ‘bad’ emotions (spoiler alert, there are no ‘bad’ emotions) only causes more pain. The saying “the only way out is through” is popular for a reason. I had to walk through my emotions, honor my pain, and shine a light on it.
I will no longer put my abusers’ needs above my own. I will no longer be silent. I will no longer hide. I will tell my story of survival and healing with the world in the hopes of it being a guide for others who struggle. A map, an atlas.
Stepping out of hiding can be terrifying, and sometimes it needs to be done in baby steps. If you are at a point in your life where you feel it is time to shift from pain to healing, try the following.
1. One Small Step
- Start small: Reveal one minor secret, experience, or trauma.
- Tell one person: a close friend, a trusted family member, or anonymously online.
- Be transparent: Share that you are nervous; say this is difficult for you.
2. Assess and Appreciate
- Give yourself credit: Pat yourself on the back for taking a small, brave step.
- Note how you feel: Proud? Relieved? Lighter?
- Realize: You did it and survived, and you can do it again.
3. Repair and Repeat
- Hits: talking in person, via text, anonymously online?
- Misses: online trolls, friends offended, certain family upset?
- Continue: It becomes more comfortable and more healing with each shared connection.
My reason for sharing my story with the world is that I will never be silent again! I stepped out of hiding to heal and you can too! Tell your story; show your scars. It may be just the map someone else needs to find the way to their own healing.
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How to Make a Big Change by Embracing Love and Confronting Fear
“If you truly want to change your life, you must first be willing to change your mind.” ~Dan Altman
I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts recently, and the guest speaker, Gary Zukav, was explaining that humans operate from two major emotions. Once you learn this and can differentiate how you’re truly feeling, life can feel easier and more peaceful. He said this:
Every emotion stems from only two: love and fear.
It took me a second to let the message sink in, but the more I thought about this statement, the more I realized how true it is. Humans can experience a gamut of feelings such as anger, guilt, love, happiness, sadness, worry, shame, etc. But if you look closer at each emotion, you can trace them back to love or fear.
I started to apply this reasoning to my thoughts and began identifying which emotion was causing each one. I found that the heavier emotions like worry, anxiety, and insecurity were stemming from fear. Fear of what will happen, fear of what people thought of me, and so on.
When I started this process of identifying the thoughts, I realized I was spending way more of my time in fear than love. (It’s common for humans to be here because our brain is built to protect us.) I set out to train my brain to think more love-based thoughts like recognizing the abundance and love I already have and how I am so grateful to have the relationships I do.
Now, this isn’t to say that fear-based thoughts are bad; we need them for survival. And I’m also not saying that you should ignore any negative emotion and only think happy thoughts; that isn’t realistic or healthy!
But I found that I was consciously focusing on the heavier emotions instead of finding all the beauty around me. The fear-based thoughts turned into my comfort zone because making a big change felt intimidating. I’d rather just stay safe and let the worry dictate my actions.
I think we humans love to complicate life and be constantly in worry mode, fearing that if we let our guard down something bad will happen. But what if you consciously chose a thought that felt better? What if you chose to see the beauty and ease in life? Try it for just one day and see how you feel.
One area of my life where I was stuck in fear was my relationship with my physical body. I started a new journey this year, one where I am taking care of myself through choosing healthy food and movement. Releasing excess weight I gained from a stressful year in 2023.
Although I knew what foods to eat and that I needed to move my body more, my mind was still against me. Telling me I couldn’t do it or it wouldn’t make a difference. But this time around, I wasn’t going to throw in the towel just because my mind wanted to.
I decided to choose love-based thoughts about myself and my new journey. I figured that no one was going to do it for me, and I needed to be my biggest advocate. I had to choose the thoughts and beliefs that would support me and remind myself that I was worth the extra effort.
Let’s take a look at love-based vs. fear-based thoughts and how I completely changed my perspective by reframing my thinking.
Fear-based thought: I have to cut out “bad” foods so I can lose weight quickly.
Love-based thought: I’m choosing to eat whole foods that give me energy.
Fear-based thought: If I’m not spending an hour in the gym every day, then what’s the point in moving my body? It won’t make a difference.
Love-based thought: I choose to move my body daily, in a way that makes me happy, because it improves my mental and physical health.
Fear-based thought: I have to look a certain way or weigh a certain amount to be happy and confident.
Love-based thought: I’m taking ownership of my health so I can feel and look my best and be confident in my own body, not because I need to look like anyone else. I know that external appearance has little to do with being happy.
Fear-based thought: I need to punish myself for past decisions and actions, so that means I can’t have fun anymore or enjoy food.
Love-based thought: I know that this is a journey, and perfection is not the goal. I’m making daily decisions that support where I want to go, and that includes having fun.
See how supportive and kind the love-based thoughts feel? Now, that doesn’t mean there won’t be challenges or setbacks along the way. Of course there will be! But I can choose to be kind to myself and have my own back.
The love-based approach to this journey reminds me why I’m doing it—to take care of my body, not because I am trying to look like someone else. The love-based approach is what is going to set me up for long-term success.
Fear wants everything immediately, and love knows that good things take time to grow. Fear will tell you to stick to what you’re used to, even if it’s not the healthiest choice. Fear likes comfort because comfort = safety. That’s why so many of us find it challenging to change our habits.
To make any change, you first need to start with your belief system and how you see yourself. Doing anything out of punishment, shame, or insecurity will never last. These are all based on what other people think of you and don’t give you a greater sense of purpose as to why you’re making a change.
Now it’s time to look at your own life and identify which of these two emotions you are living in. The next time you are starting a journey or just feel like you are stuck in life, first ask yourself what thoughts and beliefs you are carrying. Do they feel supportive and loving or fearful?
If you find yourself having more fear-based thoughts, that’s okay and normal. What you choose to do with those thoughts is where your power lies. Start to look at the fear and question what it protects you from. Will it get you to your goals? Would you talk to your best friend this way? Having awareness and confronting these thoughts is what will completely change your life.
Do you desire more love and kindness? Start by being kind to yourself! Write down all the ways you are worth the extra effort and care. Start finding the beauty that already exists in your life, all around you. Decide right now that you’ll be your biggest cheerleader because when you have your own back, almost anything is possible.
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How to Free Yourself from Your Constant Desires
“Wealth consists not in having great possessions but in having few wants.” ~Epictetus
I surely can’t be the only one tired of constantly wanting things. By things, I mean a new job, a nice car, new clothes, a new home, perhaps even a partner, more friends, more money, or better holidays in more luxurious locations.
It feels like we are forever stuck in a cycle of seeking the next bigger or better thing. Once we have achieved one goal, yup, you guessed it, here comes another, even bigger goal that will probably be harder to reach than the last one.
It seems that we always want more; nothing is ever enough.
At one point I felt like I had truly gotten lost in trying to keep up with expectations from society, my peers, my colleagues, and even strangers!
I was fed up with not getting what I wanted when I felt I needed it, and with getting what I wanted but only enjoying it for a short time before I wanted the next big thing!
When does it end? When do we pass over to the other side? When do we reach enlightenment?
I was tired of constantly chasing things. It was exhausting, and I didn’t have the energy for it.
I wanted to afford to live on my own instead of having to house-share or live with family. I wanted a partner who would be true to me. I wanted my side hustle to earn me enough to do it full time. I wanted holidays multiple times a year.
I was eventually offered a flat viewing for an affordable housing scheme. These were few and far between, so I was lucky to be offered one. I thought that this would be my chance to meet my goal of living alone.
If I got the flat, I could tick it off my list! I would be halfway there to the ‘perfect’ life I had envisioned for myself.
Sadly, I wasn’t offered the flat for reasons unbeknown to me, but being rejected for it certainly put things into perspective for me.
To my surprise, I was not in the slightest bit angry, upset, or disappointed!
I sat and asked myself what it would have changed if I had gotten it. I would have been happy in the flat for a short period, but it wouldn’t have been long before I was itching to live in a house, somewhere bigger or in a better area.
I concluded that it wasn’t life handing me the shit stick; it was me. I was the problem! I always wanted more, I didn’t appreciate what I already had, and I was always looking to the future when things would be “better.”
I sat and wondered what it would feel like to just be, to not want anything, to take everything as it comes without judgment or fear of where I’d end up if I didn’t meet my goals.
Call it a spiritual awakening or an epiphany that there had to be more to life than constantly chasing things I desire.
Annoyed and frustrated with myself, I turned to a search engine for answers. “Is it possible to live without desire?” I typed into Google.
I was met with many articles that provided helpful information.
I have discovered, through books, meditation, online information, and reflection on my own experiences, that desire isn’t necessarily bad.
Issues arise when we chase desires because we feel they are necessary for our well-being and happiness, and we rely on them for fulfilment. The problem is that when we do not get the things we want, it leads to disappointment and misery.
That was certainly my issue. I had become fixated on looking for things outside of myself to bring me peace, joy, happiness, and fulfilment, and they never did, or at least not for a significant period of time.
We Desire More Because We’re Chasing Happiness
We chase external things because we are ultimately chasing happiness; we think these things will make us feel good. When we acquire them, they usually do, but the feeling of happiness never lasts. Usually, it’s not long before we want something else.
I discovered that as long as you believe there is something outside of yourself that can bring you happiness, you will never truly be happy because it starts within.
Our Desire is Linked to a Feeling of Lack
We want things because we think we lack something, even when all our needs are met, but if we constantly feel there is never enough, we will wind up creating more of that feeling.
This is the basis of the law of attraction—like attracts like. What you focus your energy on, you receive more of.
I realized that I needed to make changes in my life, slow down, refocus, and tame my constant need to obtain things. To do this, I had to look within to connect with who I really was—a spiritual being to whom materialism and what I have (and do not have) do not matter!
In order to tame my constant striving for more and find happiness within, I implemented the following.
Temper your expectations.
We have to understand that the world doesn’t owe us a thing, but that doesn’t mean that we should stop pursuing the things we want. We should just refrain from expecting everything to turn out the way we hope they will.
If we get what we want, that’s great; if we don’t, we didn’t have our hopes pinned on it anyway, so it’s also okay!
When you have fewer expectations, less can disappoint you, and if you do feel disappointed about something, you will recover and be able to bounce back quickly.
Accept where you are in life.
Acceptance will free you from the victim mentality that keeps you focused on what you lack. Once again, this doesn’t mean you can’t strive to improve your situation. It just means you’ll get out of the judging mind that fixates on how unfair life is, enabling you to enjoy the things you do have and more effectively work to change the things that aren’t working for you.
Surrender to life.
Loosen your grip on your life and stop trying to swim against the tide.
Often, we get so caught up trying to control everything and make everything work in our favor that we cause more harm than good, usually to ourselves.
Trust that things could work out even better than you knew to imagine if you let go a little, and when you face adversity, remember it will pass, because nothing lasts forever.
When you do have goals you want to achieve, try to enjoy the process of getting where you want to be instead of focusing on the end result. Things usually fall into place when we relax and let go of outcomes.
Practice being more present.
By constantly chasing our desires, we can end up living in the future and not here in the present moment, which means we can’t appreciate what’s right in front of us.
The only matter that truly matters is that of now because yesterday is dead and tomorrow has not happened yet.
I found that being present reduced my anxiety and worries about the future, because I made a conscious effort to only focus on the now.
Practice gratitude.
When we appreciate everything we have, we tend to focus less on what we do not have.
Gratitude is linked to greater well-being and overall happiness, and it’s also effective in reducing stress and anxiety.
What helps me is to take a little time at night to find something from the day I appreciated. It doesn’t have to be something big; it can be a colleague helping me with a task at work or a stranger holding the door open for me.
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Upon reflection, I personally think that it is okay to live with desire. We are human, and living from a desire-less state would be extremely difficult—even wanting to live without desires is a desire itself!
It’s natural to want to eat tasty dinners, to look nice when we go out, and to be able to treat ourselves for our hard work. While these wants may be minor, they are still desires.
Some would even argue that if we did not have any desires, our lives would have no meaning or purpose, and we wouldn’t be motivated to do anything.
But constantly chasing external things and relying on them for happiness and fulfilment is an unhealthy way to live, leading to stress, worry, fear, and even depression.
The alternative is to appreciate all the goodness we have in our lives and understand that happiness cannot be measured by the things that we have, or found by constantly looking outside of ourselves; if they could, then those that could afford to have everything they ever wanted would be the happiest people in the world, and this just isn’t the case!
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The Simple Lifestyle Changes That Healed My Mind and Body
“If you don’t give your mind and body a break, you’ll break. Stop pushing yourself through pain and exhaustion and take care of your needs.” ~Lori Deschene
When I collapsed that evening while fishing, I was fortunate not to land head-first into the water.
It was April 2018, a few weeks before my fiftieth birthday, and after work, I decided to walk to the local pond and spend the remaining hours of light fishing.
After a short time, though, I started to feel hot, a little lightheaded, and dizzy, and then the lights went out. I only blacked out for a second, but it was long enough to fall to the ground, and it scared the living you-know-what out of me.
The next several months involved working with doctors who ran a number of tests to see what might have caused the event. With no one issue found that would explain the collapse, my primary doctor started asking about my lifestyle habits.
She asked me to describe a typical week.
I told her I got up early Monday through Friday, got to work by 8 a.m., and got home around 7 p.m. Except on nights when I went to visit my mom at the nursing home; then I got home around 9 p.m. unless she was in the hospital again, and then it was later. I’m her healthcare power of attorney, so when she goes to the hospital, I’m always there, too.
On Saturdays, I’d wake up early, do the weekly chores, and run as many errands as possible by dinner time. Then, I’d eat, watch a few hours of TV, and go to bed.
On Sundays, I’d get up early to finish any chores and errands, then spend the afternoon visiting my mom at the nursing home again, have dinner with her, and I would usually get back around 7 p.m., followed by a few hours of TV while doing some last-minute laundry, and then go to bed.
She asked me how often I took vacations.
My answer surprised me because I had never considered it before, but over the past five (or so) years, I have taken no vacations. All of my vacation and personal time accrued at work was either used up for doctor and hospital visits with my mom or because I was sick myself.
She asked me about my hobbies and what I do for fun.
I said I liked to go fishing for an hour or so when time permitted, but other than that, I really didn’t have anything else in my life. To be honest, this was a pretty humbling and embarrassing admission.
She asked about my eating and exercise habits.
My answer again surprised me: I did literally zero exercise, and I mainly ate based on cravings and convenience, which generally included high amounts of sugar and fat. Not to mention, I drink coffee all day at work and at home.
She was polite in her delivery, but her message was stern as she explained the problem and resolution.
Her assessment of the collapse I experienced had less to do with that one incident and more to do with a lifestyle that was more than my current mental and physical capacities could handle.
Through years of neglect, she continued, my overall mental and physical health had declined. Those faculties needed to be built back up, which would require willpower on my part and time so nature could run its course to heal what was broken.
She started listing all my problems, which included being overweight, having high blood pressure and terrible blood work, and feeling stressed out and tired all the time.
I needed to start a daily regimen that included eating nutritiously and doing daily exercise. That did not surprise me.
What surprised me was when she said I needed to fit more personal time for hobbies and activities into my week and more quiet time and rest into my days because both help our minds and bodies heal in different but essential ways.
I nodded in agreement, and for the first few days, I did precisely that, but then the train flew off the tracks.
Life happened, as it has a tendency to do, and I regressed back to my prior unhealthy ways. Instead of following my doctor’s advice, my routine started to center again around work, my mom, and doing chores.
I felt tired, drained, and unhealthy all the time, but I stubbornly pushed myself through each day, somehow thinking (or maybe just wishing) that tomorrow would be better.
Fast-forward about a year and a half, and COVID hit, and like everyone else, it added stress to my already overstressed life.
My mind and body didn’t respond well.
That’s when I started to have anxiety issues, and the associated panic attacks were so severe they landed me in the hospital several times over the next few months. These attacks became so repetitive that I started to have trouble leaving my home to go to work. Eventually, I even had difficulties going to the grocery store.
I couldn’t believe I was so scared of the attacks that I couldn’t even leave home to get groceries.
This was a low point for me. In fact, the lowest.
During this time, my doctor told me point-blank that I needed to either get a handle on my lifestyle or start taking some medications for all this.
As a related backstory, she knew I didn’t want to take medication. I’ve had depression most of my adult life (which, of course, added to all this) and, at one point, took medication to get it under control. I worked for a few years on managing that and was so happy when I was able to stop taking medication for it that I vowed I’d never take meds again (or at least it was going to be as a last resort).
She stressed to me again how this was probably all fixable with some time and drastic lifestyle changes. I needed to stop doing so much each day, get more downtime, learn to be mindful of what my mind and body needed, and then be sure to provide those things so I could start to recover and get my health back.
So I started to prioritize my health and wellness.
First, I slowed down and started working fewer hours while focusing on maintaining productivity. I mostly accomplished this by not micromanaging people as much as I used to and spending less time on distractions like socializing by the water cooler.
I started to prioritize my health by eating clean foods and exercising daily.
I became a student of mindfulness, listening to what my body and mind needed and providing it daily. I tried my best to become a positive thinker, focusing on my own path, and stopped paying attention to others.
My life became more about me, and I was stingy with my time.
I pursued what made me happy, cutting out what didn’t. I reduced the time I spent using social media, reading, and watching the news and instead used that space for quiet time. I learned to use breathing exercises and simple stretching techniques to nurture a positive mindset.
Instead of rushing around multitasking and trying to see how much I could get done, I focused on what needed to be done, ignored the rest, and only did one thing at a time.
I now took breaks in between tasks.
Most importantly, I started with small, realistic lifestyle changes and made only one or two new changes each day moving forward. This approach helped me maintain consistency while also improving and progressing in the following days, weeks, months, and years.
In October 2020, I was more than seventy pounds overweight, I had high blood pressure and poor blood work, and I had trouble leaving my home to get groceries for fear of anxiety-induced panic attacks.
In February 2022, I had lost seventy-five pounds, my blood work was perfect, my blood pressure and anxiety were gone, and leaving home was no longer a problem.
I healed (and then some).
At that time, I sold everything that didn’t fit into my (really nice) backpack. Now, I am slowly traveling Asia full-time as a digital nomad, starting a new career as a freelance writer.
I share this journey with you for three reasons.
First, as the quote at the beginning of the article suggests, if you don’t take care of your mind and body, the collective ‘you’ will eventually break. We are all wonderfully different, so how that plays out will vary, but minor issues left unchecked now can turn into more significant problems that are more difficult to fix later on.
Second, if that does happen, don’t freak out. Just visit your doctor to get the professional help you need. Chances are, you just need to make lifestyle changes to turn things around. Our mind and body have amazing healing capabilities; we just need to get in tune with what they need and provide that daily.
Third, there was a surprising life lesson in all this for me: When you learn to be mindful of providing your mind and body with what they need, you nurture an amazingly rewarding lifestyle.
That’s because the process involves prioritizing what you need and what is important to you and choosing not to be concerned with everything else because they are distractions. This provides ample room for rest, quiet time, and everything else that replenishes and nourishes essential elements in your life instead of depleting and depriving you of them.
What remains is a life filled with only the things you value and need, which, I must say, is pretty awesome.
So don’t wait until things build up and hit you like a ton of bricks at once.
Be mindful and pay attention to the signs that you are not feeling well along your way, mentally or physically, and then slow down to address those issues before moving on.
