Tag: wisdom

How to Adopt a Growth Mindset and Stop Fearing Criticism and Failure

“There are no failures. Just experiences and your reactions to them.” ~Tom Krause

Ever found yourself working for a bad boss? I was shocked to learn recently that three out of every four people report that their boss is the most stressful part of their job and that it takes most of us up to twenty-two months to free ourselves of them.

I thought it was just me!

A few years ago I joined a large accounting firm to help them manage their employees. Though they were nice enough people outside of work, at the office, their professional pride in finding errors and vigorously pointing them out made them the worst bosses I have ever worked for!

Every day was a battle of constant criticism and negativity. No matter what we achieved, the focus was always on what we needed to do better.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for feedback and improving what I do at work. I also need to, at least occasionally, feel my efforts are appreciated in order to maintain my sense of enthusiasm and confidence.

After all, we all have a deep psychological need to be respected, valued, and appreciated.

As month after month of this behavior dragged on, for the first time ever I found myself really struggling to get out of bed and go to work. Their negativity seemed to be eating me up.

Unwilling to just quit my job, I started researching ways to deal with my whining, moaning, negative bosses to see if I could restore some joy to my job. Luckily, I quickly discovered the field of positive psychology—the science of bringing out the best in people—and the phenomenon of “growth mindsets.”

Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck has found that changing the way we perceive ourselves can dramatically improve our feelings and results.

In particular, two beliefs can make a difference: Can we improve our abilities, or is this as good as we get?

Reading this now, it probably seems like a no-brainer to you. Surely we’re all capable of change! The reality is, though, many of us secretly walk around with a “fixed mindset,” believing that our natural abilities are all we have and it won’t get much better than this. (more…)

October 28, 2012
How to Keep Your Strengths from Becoming Weaknesses

“Our strength grows out of our weaknesses.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

In my youth, I strived to be “nice.” I tolerated a lot from others. I forgave easily and learned to “turn the other cheek.”

I made myself constantly available to other people and asked nothing in return. I remained loyal even if people mistreated me. I helped friends even when my need for help was greater. When friends started calling me their “angel,” I was proud at first.

But soon I became resentful of what that implied.

If my purpose was solely to help them, then who would help me?

I felt more like a doormat than an angel.

In my twenties, the proverbial pendulum swung the other way. I became protective of my emotional resources and was rather “prickly” at times.

The self-absorption that is typical of adolescence hit me a little later, as a reaction to feeling taken advantage of in previous years. I no longer wanted to be a helper because I no longer wanted to feel used.

This former strength of mine—helping—now felt like a weakness.

So for a time, I gave up something I truly valued, because I didn’t know how to use that strength without hurting myself.

But after a while, I began to feel a disconnect. It was still important to me to help people— friends, family, and strangers alike. But how could I do it in a way that wouldn’t lead to my downfall?

When a character strength becomes a weakness, how do we maintain what is important to us without harmful side effects?

If we really examine what’s meaningful to us, we often find there are values underlying our character traits that can guide us.

On the stage of life, values are the play directors and character traits are the performers. You don’t use the same performer for every role, so the director has to use the best performer for each role to drive the point home. (more…)

October 27, 2012
Overcome Fears Through Lucid Dreaming

“You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.” ~Yogi Bhajan

It took me a second to realize what was happening.

I was hanging onto a rope and headed straight for the sky.

I must have been around 100 feet in the air. I was looking at the ground and it kept getting smaller and smaller. I couldn’t take it anymore and closed my eyes.

When I opened them again I was lying in my bed.

But this was no ordinary dream. I was actually aware of what was happening, as it happened. I was “awake” inside my head.

Let’s Rewind 7 Days

I was looking around the Internet and came across something called lucid dreaming. It talked about learning how to hack your dreams, to wake up inside the dream world and manipulate it as you wished.

I wasn’t skeptical in the slightest. You see, I remembered back to my childhood where I would “wake up” in these strange places then all of a sudden I’d be right back in bed.

Could it be? Something I’d been puzzled about my whole life was finally to be answered. It was more than I could ever have imagined.

Not only could I wake up in my dreams, but I could train myself to do it whenever I wanted. I’d heard it can take up to three months for the average person to learn, so I got to work straight away.

Seven days later when I was thundering toward the sky, it was my first taste of intentional lucidity. Nearly one year later and my eyes have seen things people only dream about.

Let’s Get One Thing Straight

I don’t want you to think of lucid dreaming as some weird new-age phenomenon. That couldn’t be further than the truth. Buddhists have been practicing it for thousands of years, and it’s even been scientifically proven. (more…)

October 25, 2012
Dealing with Exhaustion: How to Function Better When You’re Tired

I’ve written about ways to get better sleep, and yet I am writing this post from a state of exhaustion.

Despite knowing all the right things to do, sometimes it’s difficult to follow through.

You can have the most calming, zen bedroom, and still toss and turn because of an ache or something on your mind. You can avoid stimulants and start unwinding early in the evening, and still wake up to the sound of a blaring siren at 2:00 AM.

Sometimes the best laid plan can fall apart when you can’t seem to remove that pea from under your mattress. It will happen on occasion—hopefully less often than not, but from time to time at best.

How can you function when it’s just not possible to call in sick and tired to life? How can you make it through the work day with minimal damage to your health, mood, relationships, and job?

I have a few ideas, but first, in the interest of full disclosure: I have more flexibility than the average person might, since I work from home and make my own schedule. Hopefully these ideas represent a balanced mix for people who have flexibility and people who don’t: (more…)

October 25, 2012
10 Simple Ways to Enjoy Life’s Journey More
“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

I wake up. I take a look outside.

I take a breath in and just appreciate where this dream has taken me.

I want to be a ninja.

Yeah, it sounds a little strange.

Probably even weirder when I tell you I have a Master’s degree in education, am a former teacher, and I’m about to turn thirty.

You could call it a quarter life crisis, assuming I’ll live to be 120.

But I prefer to call it my life’s calling.

It is my childhood dream. So, when I say, “I want to be a ninja,” I’m talking about the ninja from my eight-year-old brain.

According to my eight-year-old brain a ninja:
- Moves to a far away land
- Trains extensively in martial arts
- Challenges the traditional methods of life and work
About a year ago I quit my job in America. I moved to Japan (a far away land). I now train full time in martial arts five to six days a week.

I’m doing everything within my power to turn this into a lifestyle. I write about my experiences in hopes of encouraging others to make the most of their lives.

It is easy for me to romanticize my life to the outside world, but the reality is that I can get just as caught up in the monotony of day-to-day life as anyone else.

After being in Japan for a year I can get so caught up with achieving my next goal, the next item on my to do list, that I forget how wonderful life truly is.

I live in a land with thousands of years of history, culture, and beautiful architecture.

And with all of this sometimes I can still walk through my day like a zombie. (more…)
October 24, 2012
Letting People Challenge You So You Can Learn and Grow

“The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment.” ~Elbert Hubbard

My self-awareness grows while watching an eight-year-old boy navigate Sudoku.

He wants to be good at the game, but he doesn’t want to do the work. He wants to know the next right answer without having to think.

His approach to the puzzle is one box at a time, filling in a number at random. He doesn’t realize each little mistake right away; he may get through a row or column, but eventually it catches up with him.

He then tries to backtrack, which you know, if you’ve ever played Sudoku, is nearly impossible. If one set of numbers doesn’t work, chances are many other numbers are incorrect, and you cannot move forward with the puzzle.

I suggest erasing the whole puzzle and starting over. This advice is not well received by an eight year old. He resists. He pouts. Sometimes he cries and/or storms off.

I get frustrated with him because I am sitting there guiding him, and when he listens to me, it takes a fraction of the time to complete each puzzle. He asks for my help, but then he doesn’t focus and take the time to use his brain.

When I guide him step-by-step through the puzzle, he is able to identify and explain why a certain number is appropriate for a specific box. When I step back and have him work through it on his own, he reverts back to the rushed guessing game.

This process represents so much for me.

I am a writer. I am working on various projects; one in particular has taken over my focus—metaphorically, my Sudoku puzzle.

I have a mentor/writing partner in my life who provides the same willingness to guide me as I do for the boy. I better understand the frustrations he expresses having with me because of my role as the boy’s guide.

Instead of admitting that he does not know the right number for a certain Sudoku box, the boy guesses. Instead of me admitting that I don’t know what to do next to further my project, I guess. (more…)

October 24, 2012
Coming Home to Our Light by Embracing the Dark

“Turn you face toward the sun and the shadows will fall behind you.” ~Māori Proverb

I am looking out of the window of the airplane. We are above the clouds; the evening sun is just setting. There is a glow all around me. I am lost in this moment. I feel like I’ve never been closer to the heavens. I can stay here in these clouds forever. I am at peace.

I am returning from my first trip to Jamaica.

I went to this island paradise on what was supposed to be a fun, party trip. Yes I had fun and I partied a lot. But I also discovered my heart and the truth of my soul.

I have been running for a long time. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally. I was running from the grief and sadness I feel about my mother’s death. I was running from the fact that I was eating ice cream everyday to deal with this loss.

I was running from feeling pain. I recently ended a “relationship” with someone who was emotionally unavailable to me. I was running from the truth about that situation. I was running from the boredom I feel at work. I hate corporate life. Sleep wasn’t forthcoming. My mind was too busy running from itself.

I was running from this person who felt trapped all the time. I felt like if I stopped and faced this hurt, pain, frustration, sadness, and disappointment, I would shatter into a million pieces and I wouldn’t know how to put myself back together. I didn’t like who I had become.

And then I got to Jamaica, and I had space between me and all the crap I was running from. I was so damn tired too. I finally felt like I could stop running. I felt like I could just be, like I could breathe. I felt like I left all the crap that was my life back in Trinidad and I was free.

Free to just be. This freedom brought clarity. I realized that, in my running, I was running away from the light, and so the shadows had swallowed me up. (more…)

October 23, 2012
6 Ways to Decrease Your Suffering

“The world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming it.” ~Helen Keller

You’ve probably heard the saying “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.”

For many years, I didn’t understand how pain and suffering were different from each other. They seemed inextricably wrapped up together, and I took it for granted that one was the inevitable consequence of the other.

However, as I have grown to understand my own capacity to create happiness, I noticed something interesting about the nature of my suffering.

As I reflect back on painful episodes in my life, I can recall losing people who were dear to me. I remember abrupt changes in jobs, housing, and other opportunities that I believed were the basis of my happiness.

In each of those experiences the immediate visceral pain was searing, like a hot knife cutting through my heart. Then afterwards came grief, an emotional response to loss that arose quite naturally.

But closely on the heels of physical pain and emotional grief comes something else, something that I create in my own mind even though it feels quite real. That something else is “suffering.”

As a friend of mine once said, this is like putting butter on top of whipped cream. Suffering is the “extra” that our mind adds to an already painful situation.

It is at this very point, when your mind starts to fiddle with the pain and grief, that you have the possibility of doing things differently.

If you’re in the midst of great pain right now, it might help to know that the old saying really is true: While the pain can’t be avoided—it’s the price of being a human with a heart—there are ways we can reduce this kind of self-generated suffering. (more…)

October 23, 2012
Be Gentle with Yourself When Dealing with Heartbreak

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” ~Unknown

I’m sitting in the nail salon near my apartment, perusing Vogue and making small talk with the woman who is cradling my hand and filing my nails. We’re catching up on our lives; I tell her I’ve been in Phoenix for the month. She nods and, in broken English, inquires about him.

I’d like to say my subsequent tears are a rarity, but lately, they seem to have a mind of their own.

I sit across from my best friend and shake my head, unable to squeak out a sound over the lump in my throat. I well up while crossing the street, while waiting in line, and now, in a mortifying turn of events, at the nail salon while this lovely woman across from me pats my hand in a show of support she does not have the words to express.

We had been together for four years (four and a half, if you count early, long-distance courtship). We’d both been married before; he wasn’t looking for anything serious. Truthfully, neither was I. I had a thriving business in the fashion industry, a son in high school, and a mother who lived with us back in Phoenix. A relationship with a man in NYC seemed inconvenient, if not impossible.

For anyone who has ever felt the free-fall of love, “inconvenient” and “impossible” suddenly become obstacles you are willing to leap over like an Olympic athlete.

You throw caution to the wind. You are like Wonder Woman, flying into the chasm of love in your invisible jet; armed with a lasso and bracelet cuffs. What could possibly go wrong? (more…)

October 22, 2012
How To Overcome Self-Doubt: 8 Tips to Boost Your Confidence

“Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.” ~Cicero

At one point or another, we all question whether or not we are doing enough, making enough money, or if we are going to be “successful” enough. I know this firsthand, as I’ve spent long periods of my young adult life in a persistent state of fear and self-doubt.

When I graduated from college, I worked sixty, seventy, even eighty hours a week in a corporate setting climbing the proverbial ladder. In my mind, I thought that was success, even though it wasn’t what I truly wanted for myself.

I held onto dead-end jobs, toxic relationships, and draining friendships because I thought that if I left them, I’d be a quitter.

I doubted myself to the point that I was making my decisions based on what others wanted of me, not what I wanted for myself. I was constantly struggling with confidence and always second-guessing myself.

What I’ve learned from my experiences is that if I don’t nip the self-limiting thoughts in the bud right away, this “woe is me” mindset can become debilitating.

I’ve discovered a few things that help with self-doubt and boost my confidence that may help you too:

1. Stop comparing your accomplishments to your friends’ and colleagues’ accomplishments.

I find that I doubt myself the most when I’m comparing what I’m doing with what other people are doing. When I compare my accomplishments to a colleague’s, I start feeling inadequate. Your colleague’s accomplishments are not a litmus test to grade your own success.

One key thing to remember when you find yourself in this mental pattern is that everyone is on his or her own journey.

I find that I am most successful in my personal and professional life when I am following what works for me and what makes me feel good, even if it is different from what someone I look up to is doing. (more…)

October 22, 2012
Do You Judge the Person You Used to Be?

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” ~Mother Theresa

It was the second time I’d gone out to lunch with a new friend I met through this site.

We’d experienced some of the same things in life, and I instantly admired her attitude and perspective.

Sometimes when I meet up with people I’ve met through Tiny Buddha, I feel a sense of inner conflict. One the one hand, I want to live up to everything I imagine they expect of me.

I want to be positive, present, and upbeat—all qualities I aspire to embody in my life and through my work.

But I also want to be free to just be, in whatever state I find myself on that given day, without worrying about how I’m perceived.

That’s been my lifelong journey—learning to show up as I am, without fearing whether or not other people will accept that.

My greatest drive in my life is to be authentic. But if I’m not mindful, I can easily get in my own way.

As we sat chatting, I found myself feeling more and more comfortable, and relieved that after all the years I’d spent isolating myself, I’d finally learned to relax and be myself in the company of new people.

We broached the topic of crowds, something I’m pretty vocal about disliking. I made a sarcastic comment, something along the lines of “People are best in small doses.” I meant that I prefer intimate groups of people, but I immediately questioned how it came across.

That didn’t sound very Tiny Buddha-ish, I thought. Then I reminded myself, “She’ll know what I mean. Clearly I don’t hate people.”

I wasn’t quite so confident when she said, “Are people best from a computer screen, when you’re sitting alone in your living room?”

This hit me like a jolt to the stomach, completely knocking the wind out of me. (more…)

October 21, 2012
You Will Not Be The Same Person When You Achieve Your Goal

“The journey is the reward.” ~Chinese Proverb

When you set goals, you naturally focus on the result. If you pay attention to the desired achievement, you will discover the path to get there. However, the value you gain from achieving the goal isn’t just about the reward of accomplishment.

Once you achieve a significant goal, you will not be the same person you were when you set out on the journey. The process of achieving your goal and the experience you have gained will have changed you. This is why the journey is the reward.

If you set the goal of losing forty pounds and you get there, you will have gained more than the results of looking good and having spiked interest from the opposite sex.

In order to lose the weight, you needed to lead a very disciplined and focused lifestyle. You needed to take charge of your diet and ensure you did not lapse into old eating habits. You needed to work out regularly and efficiently, and actually make serious gains in the gym.

A great body is not just a thing you have; it is a lifestyle you lead. Adopting that lifestyle is the key benefit.

How many people actually make the necessary sacrifices and do the hard work required to lose serious weight? Not nearly as many as the number who set the goal. Taking those steps changes both the mind and body.

The reward is not just the tangible change in your body. It is the journey that has given you improved discipline and willpower.

Exactly the same applies to the goal of quitting your job and running your own business. Everyone dreams about it, but very few people do it. Those who are successful have not just won the prize of being their own boss and earning a better income.

The long hours they have worked, the risks they have taken with their time and money, the fear and uncertainty of whether it was going to work—these things changed them.

It took me four years of working on my online business part-time before it earned me enough money to kiss the desk goodbye. The money is not the prize; it is the time and freedom I now have. But if those things had just fallen into my lap without any effort or sacrifice on my behalf, I would not be able to appreciate them in the same way.

I would still have been the same person I used to be. (more…)

October 18, 2012
How to Free Yourself from the Cycle of Social Fear

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore” ~André Gide

A few months ago, I received a gift from my brother while on a vacation in the United States. He was giving each one of us a small token of stone with words carved on them. Mine was etched “courage.”

The stone reminded me of my struggles on self-esteem—in the past and the present. I pull strength from my courage to face the challenges of each day.

Getting to where I am now was not an easy task.

The Cycle of Social Fear

The earliest memories of my childhood had to do with being in one corner of the classroom watching all the other kids playing while I stood watching. It was not because my teacher punished me, but because I was too shy to talk or play with anyone.

I would sit all day long if there was no instruction to do otherwise.

I do not remember exactly what was going on in my mind. I think there was this part of me that just wanted to be me—not do anything and accept myself being shy—and there was my other self that wanted to be like any other kid enjoying playing with others.

I wanted to interact but I did not manage to do so because I was caught in the vicious cycle of social fear:

I am shy —> I want to play with them —> If I play with them, I’m afraid of what they will say about me —> I don’t want to be rejected —> I will not join them because…—> I am shy.

Thanks to the support of my family and friends who went out of their way to help, I have changed in spite of myself. But this did not happen without constant battle between the shy me and the real me.

Decide to Step out of the Cycle

The only way you can get out of the rut of fear is to make a conscious decision to step out of it. It is not easy to do this if you have grown into the habit of fear. In order to make this work, you have to find what your heart really wants and teach your heart and mind to accept this.

Reflect on this question: What is it that I fear and would like to overcome?

Your fears can be a general “shyness” or specifically not being able to talk, or point out something in a meeting, or not being assertive enough.

Now ask yourself: Why do I want to overcome this? (more…)

October 18, 2012
Learning to Stop Clinging to People: Know That You Are Loved

“As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

I have a heart condition. Not one that you could see on an x-ray, or even one that you would find in a medical textbook.

For as long as I can remember, I have felt like my heart has had a gaping hole in it—and I’ve been stuffing anyone, anything into that space to try and feel a little less empty. A little less alone.

The first day of my freshman year, I met a girl.

We spent the rest of the day together and discovered we had an uncanny amount in common, including our values and a passion for the violin. We even had the same name. So I decided then and there that she would be that college friend that everyone talks about, that friend with whom you share everything and never lose touch, even after you’re both old and gray.

I had decided she was the perfect shape to fill the hole in my heart.

I then proceeded to spend as much time as possible with her and her friends, ignoring the people I had grown close to in my dorm. I even declined invitations from classmates to go out to eat, get a coffee, or even just go with them to the library; I wanted to be available in case she and her friends decided they wanted to do something with me.

Yet even though I thought I had finally found a group of people that made me feel complete, there was always this underlying fear—a fear that they were just pretending to like me, that I was a second-class citizen in this clique.

And then she broke the news to me. “You make our group dynamic awkward,” she said. “We think you should go find some other friends.”

I was devastated.

My heart now felt even more empty and alone than it did before I met her, because I had built an identity for myself based on a friendship I had forced—a relationship I had made fit simply because it was there and available.

After that, I slowly started spending time with my other friends and started enjoying their company again, but I still withdrew and isolated myself.

I couldn’t imagine that anyone would want to spend time with me if she and her friends didn’t, and that perception made it almost impossible to believe anything good anyone said about me. (more…)

October 17, 2012
Developing Self-Compassion & Learning to Be Nicer to Ourselves

“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” ~Lama Yeshe

Several months ago, I sat in a large workshop audience being led by Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research.

She directed us to divide up into pairs for a self-compassion exercise. I turned to the young woman next to me. We introduced ourselves and returned our attention to Kristin.

Following her instructions, my partner closed her eyes while I sat looking at her. Kristin led those of us with open eyes through a loving-kindness meditation that was directed at our partners.

Although I did not know this young woman, I could feel my heart open wide to her as compassion arose within me. I felt warm and loving toward her.

Then it was my turn to sit with closed eyes. As Kristin repeated the meditation and I felt my partner’s loving gaze on me, I started to hear a voice.

Not a psychotic one, mind you, but that familiar voice that so often takes up my internal space. It had started chatting quietly but zoomed to full volume within seconds.

“You don’t deserve compassion! You don’t make enough money! You snap at Andrea all the time! You just need to get yourself under control!”

Sigh. So much for self-compassion.

But that was the point.

After the exercise, Dr. Neff asked, “How many of you found it harder to feel compassion toward yourself than the stranger sitting next to you?”

Just about everyone in that huge group—including me—raised their hands. (more…)

October 17, 2012
Small Acts of Love and Compassion Can Change the World

“All great changes are preceded by chaos.” ~Deepak Chopra

We live in an eternally pregnant present, full of possibilities for a bright future. I believe it has always been that way throughout the history of the world. That’s just how the universe works. Unfortunately, we haven’t always experienced our lives the way the universe intended, especially right now.

Humanity seems to be forever in a time of chaos, marked by violence against one another, and most of us do not know how we got that way or when it will end.

I admit that sometimes I long for the good old days of the status quo, when I could navigate daily ugliness with a shrug and sit through dicey evening news with a steadfast, glassy stare. It was easy to ignore my feelings and stay mired in dark indifference. I just turned off my heart to survive it all. It was safer that way.

But it is also very clear to me that the days of dark indifference are over. I think you might feel it too. Yes, life is filled with the same old problems and yes, life is fast. But we now move too quickly to rely on the same old solutions. Our survival tools are obsolete because humanity has upgraded. We are becoming more balanced. We are becoming our better selves.

Six years ago, when my small family moved to Denver for my husband’s job, I fought it tooth and nail. I hated the harsh, dry climate that made my nose bleed and the 1100-mile distance that kept me from the rest of my family and friends. The culture shock and the intense high altitude sun forced me to retreat, literally, to the inside of my house and the inside of my soul for comfort.

That was the beginning of creating my own better self. I read, meditated, and read some more. And I finally started to learn to balance my head and my heart.

My effort started an inward journey that continues still, even though my days in Denver are long gone from my personal map. But the experience of relying on my heart to inform my thoughts forced me to evolve.

I suspect the entire world is evolving, one person at a time. We are reaching a critical mass, a beautiful tipping point for humanity. We are leaving behind the outdated Handbook of Life, with all its heavy-handed solution of war, judgment, and oppression, and writing a new one from our hearts. (more…)

October 16, 2012
Healing Depression by Taking Care of Your Mind, Body, and Spirit

“Suffering is not caused by pain but by resisting pain.”~Unknown

Prior to my twenty-second birthday I was spiraling down a self-destructive path, partying at all hours of the morning and drinking excessively to numb my pain. I was a rebel with a cause, as the lure of the nightlife kept me away from my dysfunctional home.

I was searching for love and happiness in all of the wrong places, but the universe stopped me dead in my tracks, both literally and figuratively, when my brother committed suicide.

Devastated by the loss of his presence in my life and the close bond we once shared, I felt utterly alone. I couldn’t fathom my life without my beloved brother. His death was not something I anticipated.

I needed answers and some sort of explanation as to how a happy-go-lucky young man had changed into a moody and depressive person.

In my grief-stricken state, I went to the public library and retrieved books on suicide and mental illness. I needed to categorize his disease. Was it bipolar, schizophrenia?

Coincidently, I had a medical appointment with a general practitioner. I was a new patient and had never met this doctor before. But I immediately felt at ease with him, and though I went in for a physical reason, I left his office with a plan for self-healing.

After a few sessions with the doctor, I learned about depression, dysfunction, abuse, and addiction. Initially I didn’t know what those terms had to do with me and my brother’s death.

I was completely overwhelmed, and as I excavated my past, I plummeted even deeper in my darkness. I remained stuck in stage four of the grieving process—depression.

My pain was so unbearable I even contemplated my own death. When the doctor offered antidepressants, I declined.

I chose talk therapy as opposed to antidepressants, not because of any stigma, but because I envisioned myself in a vegetated state for the rest of my life.

I already had family members in this predicament and I vowed that it was not going to me. So I was quite aware that I was genetically predisposed to manic or bipolar depression.

After one year of dealing with my issues, I abandoned my own treatment. I was caught up in a whirlwind romance with my prince charming. We got married and built a life that my girlfriends dreamed of.

Yet, I was still unhappy and, after a nine-year relationship, I found myself divorced, picking up the pieces of my life, and headed back to the doctor’s office.

I was severely depressed and diagnosed with bipolar tendencies. Still, I stubbornly refused antidepressants. (more…)

October 16, 2012
6 Steps on the Path to Passion and Fulfillment
“I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.” ~Joseph Campbell

There are seemingly small events in life that, in retrospect, turn out to be the catalyst for cataclysmic transformation. Such was the case for me when my oldest child left home to pursue her passion as a ballet dancer.

Little did I know at the time that this event would lead me to a brand new passion, a new business, and a new life.

My Life Passion Story

Prior to my daughter leaving home, I’d spent the previous three years supporting her as she pursued her passion, driving her two sixty-mile round trips daily to train at her ballet studio. I often spent three hours a day in the car. I was also tending to my two younger children and attempting to maintain a public relations consultancy.

A child leaving home isn’t really a small event, but in my case, it wasn’t as dramatic as it is for most parents. My daughter was away from home most of the day anyway between school and dance. And she spent six weeks away every summer at ballet programs. So her moving to another city did not feel so dramatic or unsettling in itself.

But what it triggered in me was a tsunami of internal upheaval.

As my daughter’s passion for ballet blossomed, I was happy to help her pursue her dream, and I accepted the sacrifices involved. Prior to this intense training period for her, I had an active public relations business in which I promoted my clients (actors, artists, designers, and business professionals) as they pursued their passions. But as my daughter’s training intensified, I had to cut back on my PR work.

When she left home, and I no longer had to spend hours a day in my car, I suddenly had a huge chunk of time on my hands.

You’d think regaining this time would have filled me with elation. But I remember standing in the middle of the house in despair, wondering who I was and what I was supposed to do.

Between my PR career and supporting my daughter, I had spent years helping others come alive with their own passions. Suddenly, I realized I didn’t have one of my own. I felt directionless, uninspired, and totally lost.

I tried to resurrect my PR business, but I had no joy in it. I so wanted to feel the enthusiasm and intensity that my daughter and my clients felt about their passionate pursuits. I wanted to feel alive again. At the time, I was in my late forties with a twenty-plus-year PR career under my belt but no other marketable skills (or so I thought).

I had no idea what to do, but I knew I had two choices:
- I could accept a boring, unsatisfying life
- I could figure a way out of this internal upheaval and find something to ignite my passion
I chose the latter. (more…)
October 15, 2012
The True Meaning of Patience: Let Go and Take Your Time

“Patience is not passive; on the contrary, it is active; it is concentrated strength.” ~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

Patience sucks!

Well that is what I used to think.

I was taught growing up that it was a virtue, but I was never taught why.

In my experience, patience had meant I would miss out on something I desired. So I became the hare in the race and would fast track myself through career choices and opportunities and even relationships for fear that I would be forgotten and miss out again.

But in the story, it is tortoise that wins the race, because he is constant and sure-footed.

With all my “hurry up” and haring around I may have seemed to the outside world to be go-getting and achieving great things that seem so valuable in our materialistic world, but because I was so busy rushing to the next big thing, I was actually missing out on my life.

I’m 36, and I was brought up in an era that has been all about get it, have it, and then throw it away. For a long time, this left me feeling empty.

What I hadn’t learned was the true meaning and purpose of patience.

So I took up the piano.

After many years of wanting to play, and making endless excuses because I was scared of the hard work and the commitment it would involve, a time came when I was ready to face up to my fears.

I told my piano teacher that if it took me until I was 70, that would be fine, as I believed it was a skill I would like later in life.

All good words; however, not how I behaved…

As soon as I sat down on the stool and started to learn my first notes, I felt a building impatience.

I would get so frustrated with my fingers and hands for not working independently. Every time I took a small step forward and improved, I would barely savor the achievement and would once again get upset at anything I saw as failure. (more…)

October 15, 2012
5 Tips to Recognize and Honor Your Needs in Relationships

“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” ~Sonya Friedman

In what feels like a previous life, I was a serial dater.

I looked for attention, validation, and identification in relationships. Each guy, however wrong for me, seemed like the perfect fit for my empty hand.

Maybe I hated being around his smoking, but I brushed it off and tried to breathe the other way.

Maybe our conversations were dull, but I thought it’d get better. Maybe I cringed at being dragged to another party, but I went because he wanted to see his friends.

This pattern continued for years.

I stayed in relationships that were clearly wrong for me and dated people I didn’t understand, who didn’t understand me, just to be in one.

It wasn’t until an insightful Zen class that I even became aware of the pattern.

As I cozied up in the gently lit room, hot tea in hand, surrounded by kindred spirits, the Zen master began the day’s lesson: needs.

Huh. I sipped the sweet jasmine tea and listened intently, totally blown away by what he was saying. Needs? What are those? Seriously, they weren’t even on my radar.

But they should’ve been. Needs are personal prerequisites to happiness.

We don’t learn to pay much attention to our needs, beyond the basics of food, water, and shelter. Television advertisements, popular culture, and the desires of others dictate our “needs.”

But I’ll bet that, on a soul level, you don’t need a cooler car, a bigger ring, whiter teeth, or more parties.

What do you need then? Answering this question can be one of the most powerful transformations of your life.

It was for me. After that class I started paying attention to my needs, and very slowly, I began attending to them.

I needed to embrace my introverted nature instead of ignoring it or boozing it out at parties every weekend. I needed alone time—space to dream, think, and be. I needed peace and quiet. Deep conversation. The freedom to spend a Friday night in without guilt.

At first, recognizing these needs was rough. I hated myself for having them; why couldn’t I be like the other twenty-one-year-olds? Why did bars overwhelm me? Why couldn’t I socialize with his rowdy friends?

It drove me nuts. So for a while, I continued to ignore my needs. I thought I’d just override them with more wrong relationships and parties I hated.

But eventually, I couldn’t ignore them anymore. I came to terms with them. Being aware of my needs was making room for me to actually start taking care of them.

It took years, but I’m finally at the point where I’m comfortable with my needs—and making them known. (more…)

October 14, 2012