Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • 12 Tips to Create a Peaceful, Passionate Life

    12 Tips to Create a Peaceful, Passionate Life

    “Get out of your head and get into your heart. Think less, feel more.” ~Osho

    Osho’s game was to get people out of their heads. He wasn’t focused on world peace; he was intent on self-peace.

    How do you get out of your head? How do you get more present?

    For most of my life, I was stuck in my head. “Stuckness” was my primary experience. I always wanted to be somewhere else, someone else.

    After years of quietly suffering and pretending to be happy, I came to understand that my stuckness was caused by numbness—physical, emotional, and spiritual.

    Physically: I have been “out of my body” for 99.999% of my life—unless you’re talking about the heaviness on my chest, lump in my throat, and raciness in my head. I was constantly experiencing back pains and a general heaviness in my body.

    Also, I felt inadequate and insecure in most of my intimate relationships.

    Emotionally: I never felt good enough to speak my truths and share how I really felt. I blamed myself for feeling inadequate. The constant “trying to be someone” caused me to keep up multiple appearances and maintain many public versions of myself.

    Spirituality: Because of all the lying, I didn’t trust myself. I felt like I betrayed myself and I felt guilty, thinking, I really am not good enough. When I was a child, in Israel, I was afraid of being punished by God. Later, in America, I was afraid of being punished by society. I wanted your approval so badly.

    One day, I ran away. (more…)

  • The Ultimate Letting Go: Release Your Fear and Be Free

    The Ultimate Letting Go: Release Your Fear and Be Free

    “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~Norman Cousins

    It seems on some level we must know that nothing lasts forever. That knowledge must be built into our DNA; surely our cells know their own mortality, that entropy is an unavoidable fact of life.

    So why do we fight the inevitable? Why do we crave security and consistency? Illusion that it is, we look for promises where it’s not possible for them to be made.

    We buy all kinds of insurance, telling ourselves that if we spend that money, that bad thing won’t happen to us and we’ll be “safe.”

    We sign contracts, “ensuring” that that piece of property will always be ours and that that relationship, personal or professional, will never be anything but what it is today. We pour money into tricks to keep us young, seemingly viewing aging and death as the ultimate enemy of happiness and success.

    But what if we embraced change, not just as a necessary evil but even as a blessing?

    At a tender young age, I experienced the most significant loss of my life, the death of a very dear friend. Robbed of the innocence and naivete of youth, in the decade that’s followed I have learned far more painful, poignant, and enduring lessons that I know I would have otherwise.

    That loss also resulted in one big giant fear of the ultimate change—I was terrified of losing the people I cared about. It was nearly paralyzing, and this fear resulted in a lot of ugly insecurity. Ironically enough, that very fear may be just an unattractive enough quality that it could have driven away my loved ones and become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    I am eternally grateful to the ones who loved me enough to stand by while I discovered this, building my confidence so that I could change from needing, clinging, and fearing their loss to loving freely and letting go.

    Whatever the nature of the relationship, there’s something about two people letting go of each other, knowing that the other doesn’t belong to you, that is so much more life-giving than those same two clinging tightly, bracing for the inevitable blows life will deal. It makes whatever comes that much more manageable.

    We are inexplicably linked to the ones we love. Whatever our religious or spiritual beliefs, we can all agree that when someone is lost, whether through death or change, they are not gone, in that if nothing else they remain in our heads and hearts.

    It is up to us to have the strength to remember that what has been has been real, and that it is not changed by the loss.  (more…)

  • Letting Go of Stress Around Your Goals: 4 Tips to Help You Relax

    Letting Go of Stress Around Your Goals: 4 Tips to Help You Relax

    “Control is never achieved when sought after directly. It is the surprising consequence of letting go.” ~James Arthur Ray

    I have always been a bit of a control freak, and if I’m not mindful, it can suck the joy out of my work and my passion.

    I like tasks done a certain way, which means I don’t always do well when it comes to delegating to others and can end up overextending myself.

    I want things to be done on my timeline, which means I may feel a need to micromanage tasks I have delegated to decrease the potential for delay.

    And I sometimes feel a need to know where things are going, which means I often need to remind myself to stay open to new possibilities.

    In short, I like to feel that everything is going according to plan—my plan—so that I leave very little to chance.

    Chance can be a scary place. It’s the realm where things could go wrong because you didn’t steer, compel, or manipulate them to ensure that they went right.

    It’s the place where anything could happen because you weren’t clear or pushy enough to make things happen as you visualized them.

    It’s a space where things are unpredictable, random even, where you don’t feel you have a say or a choice.

    These are things I’ve thought before.

    If you have a controlling instinct like I do, it can be difficult to ascertain when you’re being too heavy-handed, causing yourself stress in the process, and when you’re simply being proactive and taking responsibility for your life.

    It’s a thin line between empowering yourself and taking your power away.

    On one side, you know you’ve done your best but accept that other factors contribute to your outcome; on the other side, you cause yourself immense anxiety trying to foresee and eliminate those factors.

    It can feel terrifying to simply let things happen, particularly when the stakes are high—when you care about something so deeply that it feels like a piece of you.

    But ironically, trying to control things can actually limit their potential.

    Imagine you stood in front of a flower all day, trying all kinds of fertilizer to push it to grow faster. In addition to trying too many things, minimizing the effectiveness of any one, you’d essentially rob it of sunlight while casting your overbearing shadow.

    The fear that it might not grow would all but ensure that outcome.  (more…)

  • Create Better Days with Empowering Routines and Loving Rituals

    Create Better Days with Empowering Routines and Loving Rituals

    “We are what we repeatedly do.” ~Aristotle

    This past spring, I found myself floundering—stuck within an alternating cycle of feeling either overwhelmed or paralyzed.

    The combination of creative tasks and deadlines typically drives me with a strong sense of purpose and fulfillment. However, though I had both curriculum to produce and blog posts to write, I struggled to form sentences.

    Instead of filling pages with words and ideas, I consoled myself by eating chocolate and watching lots of bad TV.

    Needless to say, none of this was any help in boosting my productivity or pulling me out of the doldrums. It’s probably better not to discuss what it did to my waistline!

    When my partner’s business sent him to Europe for almost a month, I tagged along. I announced to my readers that I would be taking a modified digital sabbatical. Each morning, as my partner headed off to work, I headed out to nearby cafes armed with a pen and little notebook.

    As I put my thoughts to paper, I realized that I wasn’t depressed. The real truth was that I had fallen into a series of bad habits: email before meditation, vegging in front of the TV instead of riding my bike, and lunches at restaurants instead of healthy, homemade lunches. 

    I had totally forsaken one of the key tenets of living a life that I love: if you want an extraordinary life, you must have equally extraordinary routines and rituals.

    So often we feel stuck because we’re allowing life to simply happen around us. We feel overwhelmed because we are trying to squeeze as much as possible into each day, usually without a plan of any sort.

    We are stuck in habits that exacerbate our feelings of stagnation, and we allow our feelings of being overwhelmed to paralyze us.

    So, what is that we need? The twin powers of routine and ritual. Nourishing and supportive routines help frame our lives. Rituals remind us of our own sacredness, our desire to connect with our core, and our relationship with our higher power.

    The word “routine” can seem incredibly stiff and boring, but good routines are neither.

    Rather than stifling your creativity, routines are about managing your energy effectively in order to channel it toward your real desires and purpose. (more…)

  • Your Happiness Can Make a Difference in the World

    Your Happiness Can Make a Difference in the World

    “Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman

    When I was eight years old I saw a news report on a war. A wounded woman was crying on a stretcher, and soldiers were carrying guns running around her. Up until that point I had thought war was like dragons or knights in armor. It was fictional or happened a long, long time ago. I couldn’t believe it was real.

    At that realization, my experience of life changed. It felt like it was no longer okay to just be; I had to do something. There was something wrong with the world, and I had to do something to fix it.

    This stayed with me into adulthood and, while it gave me a sense of purpose, it also gave me a constant feeling of hopelessness. The problems seemed huge and insurmountable, and everything I did seemed so inconsequential.

    Coming Alive

    I have learned that one of the best indicators of a good path is feeling good, and hopelessness wasn’t feeling good. I felt burned out and unsure of myself. I didn’t feel alive.

    I felt this battle in me. I wanted to be free to make my choices based on inspiration rather than fear, but how can I feel that everything is okay when children are starving, water is poisoned, and we are killing each other and the planet? Clearly that is not okay, right?

    I didn’t want to rise up out of the realities of our world and pretend for the sake of my peace of mind that this wasn’t happening. I wanted to be present and meet our world’s problems, as well as my fear and pain, with compassion, and then to make a choice that feels good—because the last thing the world needs is another hopeless human.

    What brought me to life was allowing myself to feel connected to the rest of the world. Letting myself feel the suffering without trying to fix it and letting myself feel the joy and love without feeling guilty. (more…)

  • Loving Your Whole Body, Even the Jiggly Parts

    Loving Your Whole Body, Even the Jiggly Parts

    “When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” ~Miguel Ruiz

    When I was in fifth grade, the boy who shared the desk next to me said that I had a “roller coaster nose.”

    At that age when things were starting to sprout from places I didn’t know things could sprout, and everyone’s watching each other develop under the microscope of pre-pubescent angst, that little comment sent me into a 10-year-old tailspin.

    I would spend hours examining my nose from every angle in the mirror, only to affirm that indeed I’d been cursed with a roller coaster schnoz. I even stole clothespins from my mom’s sewing kit and would use them to pinch the lower spot of my nose in an attempt to get it even with the higher part.

    So how did I get over this ridiculousness and get onto loving all my parts? As a budding singer, I latched onto Barbra Streisand who refused to have rhinoplasty because it would ruin the sound of her voice.

    Years later, I would find inspiration in the ample-billed Jessica Simpson who once claimed her favorite body part was her crooked nose because it made her stand out from all the other blondes in showbiz. Cheesy, yes, but that is what got me on my road to healing that fifth grade wound.

    Over the years I’ve had to process the hating of many body parts—nose, thighs, butt, teeth, even my dang pinkie toe. Someone once dubbed it “The Beast.” Here are some of the steps that got me to love all the bumps, wrinkles, juicy and jiggly parts:

    1. Make a list of all the wonderful things each body part allows you do.

    My thighs have climbed the Great Wall and danced across stages all over the world. My nose has given me the most wonderful olfactory memories, like my grandmother’s cooking and the hardwood floors of my first grade classroom. My mouth has kissed, sang, grinned, and puckered. What wonderful things have your many parts done? (more…)

  • 4 Powerful Tips to Reduce Resentment and Feel Happier

    4 Powerful Tips to Reduce Resentment and Feel Happier

    “Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.” ~Buddha

    Life is short. Time spent feeling angry or resentful about things that happened or didn’t happen is time squandered.

    What’s that? You think those feelings motivate you and help you get things done? Hogwash! If you’re honest with yourself, you realize getting things done isn’t the end goal. The goal is to feel fulfilled and happy.

    Accomplishments fueled by resentment and anger seldom contribute to serenity and fulfillment. More importantly, the moments you spent crossing things off your to-do list with a scowl slip away without giving you anything positive. They’re gone; never to return.

    Resentment is like a cancer that eats away at time—time which could have been filled with love and joy.

    Here are four powerful tips to reduce resentments and live a happier life. (more…)

  • Feeling Gratitude for All the People We Sleep With

    Feeling Gratitude for All the People We Sleep With

    “We are all connected in ways we cannot even begin to fathom. Our lives unfold through each other and within each other.” ~David Rhodes

    I can’t help myself—I love sleeping with people.

    The more the better!

    There’s nothing like crawling between the sheets with a lot of people. Female. Male. An armload of ethnicities. It’s all good!

    Hey, don’t look at me like I should be ashamed of myself, because I’m not!

    Besides, I know you do it, too.  And you probably love it just as much as I do.

    You think you know what I’m talking about, but I guarantee you’re wrong. (Quick lesson: assumptions are not good!)

    See, what I’m talking about is the thousands (yes, thousands) of people it takes to create the beds we sleep in.

    There are the people who extract the iron ore from the earth and…

    …the people who ship the ore to…

    …the mill workers who separate the iron from the slag and then make the angle iron for the bed frame.

    There are the people who grow the cotton that will eventually be made into sheets and pillowcases.

    There are the people who make dyes, who in turn rely on…

    …the people who create the proper chemicals with petroleum or coal which, of course, is the fruit of…

    …the labor of people who drill for oil or mine for coal.

    There are the loggers who cut the trees that will become headboards and footboards…

    I could go on and on and on!

    And all those people represent only a few of the bed’s components! (more…)

  • Relieve Physical Pain by Releasing Your Grievances

    Relieve Physical Pain by Releasing Your Grievances

    “Remembering a wrong is like carrying a burden on the mind.” ~Buddha

    When the mind is burdened by a perceived wrong for an extended period of time, the body automatically steps in to carry part of the load. We store many of our painful life experiences deep within the framework of our physical bodies.

    If we don’t consciously feel and heal these hurts as they occur, they linger in our muscles, organs, and tissues long after the mind has consciously forgotten the specifics of the event.

    The body is actually a repository that faithfully carries this load until the essence of the experience is cleansed “from the record.” Fortunately, a bit of conscious awareness focused on the simple exercise below can greatly help to release the baggage of past experiences.

    While dining with a neighbor recently, I recalled the time we’d met several years earlier when he’d been suffering from severe back pain. I noticed that he was standing straighter and seemed so much more at ease now, even though he’s in his mid eighties.

    There was such a marked difference in his countenance that I asked him how his back was feeling. “Totally fine,” he twinkled. “How did that happen?” I inquired, sensing I might be in for a good story. “Forgiveness! I forgave myself and everyone else I was holding any kind of grievance against.” He answered matter-of-factly.

    “Just by forgiving, your serious back pain went away?” I asked. “That’s it,” he exclaimed, preparing to give me the full story. “Every grievance you hold against yourself or others shows up as a physical ache.”

    I immediately thought of several idiomatic expressions, like: He’s a pain in the neck. It was gut wrenching. She broke my heart. He’s shouldering too much responsibility, etc. I quickly saw the truth in what he was saying and agreed with him that our bodies warehouse the effects of our thoughts.

    Buddhist teachings refer to these grievances as samskaras. The term essentially refers to the psychic baggage that gets lodged in your being every time you have a reaction to something.

    Any time you want less of something (aversion) or more of something (craving), you are “in conflict” with the moment and adding items to your list of things that are not okay. (more…)

  • How We Judge Others Is How We Judge Ourselves

    How We Judge Others Is How We Judge Ourselves

    “Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy

    Oh yeah, this has been a big one for me. Huge.

    I’ve had a long, tedious journey toward recognizing that many of my thoughts were based in judgments of others. I didn’t realize it for years.

    I used to think I had strong opinions, was decisive, and able to “evaluate” others. I “got” people. I understood where they were coming from, their motivations, and why they said what they said and did what they did.

    I was a highly skilled definer, and an even better dismisser. Once I’d figured you out, my opinions were set in stone. I didn’t leave much room for changing those opinions either. Once I’d decided, that was it. You were what you were, according to me.

    With the benefit of time and hindsight, I’ve come to realize that since I was actively embracing a life of personal growth (or “working on my stuff,” as I like to call it), I somehow felt that gave me free rein to comment on what others were doing.

    I’ve also realized this is a common behavior in those of us on the personal growth path.

    When we are seeking change for ourselves, we sometimes feel we can comment on (or seek change for) the lives of others—about how they should behave, about what is acceptable for them, and so on.

    I had some inexplicable sense of entitlement that validated my judgmental parts in behaving this way.

    This criticizing behavior was, for the most part, restricted to my thoughts. Outwardly, I was generally a pretty nice gal—helpful, polite, and funny; and I had plenty of friends who liked spending time with me.

    Internally though, my thoughts could be pretty acidic. The judgmental parts of me were constantly criticizing, sizing up, dismissing, and diminishing those around me.

    I slowly started to become more knowledgeable about the internal criticizers as my awareness grew and my judgments diminished in response to some other issues I was tackling.

    While that was a huge relief, I started to realize just how much mental space and energy I was giving those internal judges. I was shocked to recognize just how bossy and mean they could be.

    I also began to wonder how much criticism these internal judges had of me. And man, was I amazed when I started paying attention. I realized I had a pretty constant stream of internal dialogue that was just as critical of me as it was of the outside world. (more…)

  • Finding Direction When You’re Not Sure Which Choice Is “Right”

    Finding Direction When You’re Not Sure Which Choice Is “Right”

    “Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown

    Like so many others, I am a recent college graduate who is still living at my parents’ house and working my minimum wage high school job as I scour the web for opportunities and get one rejection email after another.

    However, I don’t know how many others I can speak for when I say that I didn’t see this coming.

    I graduated with a nursing degree and heard from more than a few people in the field that there was a shortage and jobs were plentiful. I had no back-up plan because I was so sure my Plan A would work out.

    I was essentially blind-sided each and every time I got a rejection email because it meant I still had no direction.

    The most terrifying part of all of this, though, isn’t the uncertainty about the future and complete lack of any idea where I’ll be six months or a year from now. Although it is pretty scary at times, there’s also an excitement to not having committed to a career yet and being able to have these kinds of options.

    But of course I haven’t acted on them because the primary, overwhelming fear du jour is that of making the “wrong” choice.

    One of the most freeing moments of my post-grad life was when I realized that no one can say what is the “right” or “wrong” decision for me.

    What’s right for so many people (getting a job, getting engaged, putting down roots in one place) is certainly not right for me, at least not right now. So what’s to say what I want to do is any crazier?

    Just because it’s not what someone else would do, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

    And even if it doesn’t necessarily create a linear path from where I am now to where I think I want to be ten years from now (flight nursing in Seattle, in case you were wondering), who’s to say that where I think I want to be in the future is best or where I should be anyway? (more…)

  • Freeing Yourself When You Feel Limited or Stuck

    Freeing Yourself When You Feel Limited or Stuck

    “The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage.” ~Thucydides

    The society I was born in—urban, rich, conservative India—did not encourage women to make life choices for themselves. I was not given a vote in my own education, or in the choice of a husband when I turned twenty years old. These decisions were left to the family elders.

    And yet, my heart was always a bit of a free bird.

    Despite being “expected” to be a homemaker after marriage, there was always a yearning in me to be somewhere else, doing something else. I could not cook, and as a wealthy man’s wife, I had no household chores.

    All I had to pass the time were lunches with other young homemakers. And I found those boring—all that talk of mothers-in-law and school admissions. I yearned for intellectual stimulation, which neither my then husband nor these women could provide.

    Within a few years, I had two kids, no income of my own, a dysfunctional marriage, a sickly constitution, and no way out. The free bird inside me almost choked and died—until it asserted itself.

    I began writing after a hiatus of eight years. They were anguished poems, which I posted on a poetry website. The owner of the volunteer-driven portal invited me to edit the site, which I accepted, as I had nothing else to do.

    Soon, he decided to compile those poems into books and I found myself in a part-time book-editing job. Of course, the walls of my tenuous marriage began to show signs of strain.

    Then one day, out of the blue, one of the world’s biggest publishing houses offered me a full-time job—in a real office, with real colleagues, with my own seat and computer, reading books all day. It was mind-blowing. How could I resist?

    As expected, the family did not take it well. My marriage deteriorated into shouting fests and suicide attempts.

    My in-laws complained to my parents about their wayward daughter who wanted to work in a petty job despite having all the money in the world. Why couldn’t I just be happy with all that I had, everyone wondered.

    Within a few months, though, something happened. A colleague at work introduced me to Buddhism. That, and the idea of having my own paycheck and designation, gave me an identity, an inner strength, and an opening of the eyes. I felt like I had just been born.

    Around me, things were falling apart; inside me, they were falling together for the first time in my life. (more…)

  • 5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship

    5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship

    “Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.” ~Billy Wilder

    I’ve had my share of toxic relationships. Is it fair to say you have too? My guess is that we’ve all endured the company of people who weren’t rooting for our highest good.

    As for me, the relationships that were the most debilitating and unhealthy gave me the feeling that I wasn’t taking care of myself spiritually, mentally, or physically.

    I felt like less than myself, like I was compromising my life goals with each second I stayed around those people. Mind you, these were both friendships and romantic relationships.

    I call these relationships toxic because my authentic self withered away into someone I didn’t recognize as I denied all that was natural for me.

    The label “toxic” means something that drains life and energy. Before I knew it, I was weak and feeble, subject to the whim of the person to whom I’d given my power.

    I hung around those people too long in an effort to do what was supposedly right by societal standards—fighting to stay in a relationship instead of giving up “too soon.”

    Little did I know that my desire to be agreeable and accepted was suffocating what was right for me.

    Why did I have to sacrifice my happiness for what society says is right? I was living stifled in self-judgment and fear, and I’m sure society couldn’t have cared less!

    While some difficult relationships can open our eyes to new perspectives and expand our awareness, some obviously shut us in and hinder our development. Our intuition will alert us one way or the other. It tells us change and growth should feel good!

    When I was in my toxic relationships, I ignored my intuition in favor of my logical mind, which told me that losing that person was worse than having him/her around.

    But our intuition knows best. Unlike our mind, its only motive is our happiness. (more…)

  • 4 Lessons About Love and Long-Distance Relationships

    4 Lessons About Love and Long-Distance Relationships

    “Distance means so little when someone means so much.” ~Unknown

    People tend to think long-distance relationships are one of the hardest possible ways of loving someone. I live in one: As a young European, I am deeply in love with my African boyfriend who pursues his career in Asia.

    I met my love about two years ago. After dating for a few months and sharing a wonderful time in an Asian country, we split up, as he had many doubts about things that seemed to separate us. At this point in time, our differences seemed to be too wide to merge them into a happy, long-lasting life together.

    This period was very painful for both of us. After one year—when I had already returned to my home country—he approached me again, explaining how wrong he was, and asking for a second chance.

    I didn’t know what this implied, but my heart was saying wholeheartedly yes as I was confident the differences weren’t stronger than our love. My heart felt embedded in his, and I still loved him deeply.

    So we started fresh again—this time with an extreme distance between us.

    The first months felt easy, as the bliss of being back together melted the distance away. Even though different time zones and tight budgets influenced our ways of communication, it only mattered that we had found our way back to each other.

    We missed each other dearly; but there was a certain peace with the reality. I could feel him being on the other side, thinking of me and being in love with me. This was all I could ask for.

    However, I knew this serenity would come and go; frustration could kick in eventually and challenge us. Around one year and two visits later, the downsides of the distance did indeed knock me off. I missed my boyfriend during days and nights, and fear crept in.

    What if this would lead us only to a big disappointment? (more…)

  • Being Sick Doesn’t Mean You’re Wrong: Enabling Real Healing

    Being Sick Doesn’t Mean You’re Wrong: Enabling Real Healing

    “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    A lot of people I know who have had chronic illness, including myself, have had a hard time letting go of the feeling of “wrongness” that arises with it, in the mind.

    I sometimes wonder where this comes from. When I look at our culture I get a feeling for where we get these messages. It doesn’t, generally, seem to emmanate non-judgmental compassion!

    In our age of consumerism, photoshopped bodies, and a million-ways-to-look-young-and-feel-great-forever, the body’s propensity to get ill is generally seen as some kind of mistake. This may not be the spoken message, but it’s there in the subtext.

    We are encouraged to believe that we can (and should) control our material universe, including our bodies, to be exactly the way we want.

    When attached to, these beliefs and ideals can lead to misery.

    If you’re sick, for example.

    Why?

    Because when it is taken as an absolute truth, we start to feel an uncomfortable stirring in the heart. A quake in the depths of ego. It usually goes something like this:

    “I’m creating these conditions. It’s my fault. I must be wrong because of this.”

    And if feeling like crap physically wasn’t enough, the ego-mind and the energy body join in on the party. Cue depression, self-hate, and often, a worsening of symptoms.

    With a bit of perspective, it’s easy to see that this is not wisdom. This is self-harm. From the inside though, it can feel absolutely real, especially when we’ve got some teaching or another to back it up. The voice of some guru in our head whispering, “It’s your fault. You just don’t want to be healthy enough.”

    Hmmm…

    Luckily, in deep teachings, and in the presence of beautiful people, you never find this sort of thing.

    What do you find?

    You find real compassion. (more…)

  • How Pain Teaches Us to Live Fully

    How Pain Teaches Us to Live Fully

    “The secret of joy is the mastery of pain.” ~Anais Nin

    There have been times when I’ve experienced pain when all I wanted was for its cessation.

    I’m not sure whether I’m “unique” in my experience of pain or in how many times in my life I’ve had to deal with physical pain. While I don’t consider myself “cursed” by it, I’ve endured enough of it to become somewhat of an “expert” on its presence and its effects.

    Besides the normal cuts and scrapes that we all experience, I’ve had the (un?)fortunate luck of having had—at separate times in my life—back surgery, shoulder reconstruction, ankle reconstruction, a crushed finger, and a neck injury that has resulted in lifelong and chronic pain.

    Good fortune? Perhaps. Read on.

    When I’ve been in the acute phase of these experiences, there has been one priority for me, getting rid of the pain. And, who wouldn’t feel the same? After all, we’re hardwired to resist pain. It’s in our reptilian brain and in our neurological makeup to avoid it.

    Do we ever elect to have the excruciating experience for the exquisite outcome? Maybe.

    My most recent experience with acute pain came after an ankle reconstruction that I electively chose to have due to ongoing problems. It was during the post-operative period that I experienced some of the worst pain that I can remember.

    Immediately after the surgery, I was given some strong narcotics to deal with the discomfort. Little had I expected that “discomfort” would be an understatement, what I experienced was excruciating pain.

    It’s interesting to note that the root of the word excruciate is < L excruciatus, pp. of excruciare < ex-, intens. + cruciare, to torture, crucify < crux, cross. So it may literally mean “a pain like the pain of crucifixion.” Yikes!

    I’d never thought of my pain as being a crucifixion, but following this surgery I felt like pain was more a punishment than a gift. It wasn’t until I was talking with a friend and I described the pain as being “exquisite” that I began to realize that maybe there was a gift within the experience and that I needed to examine what I had endured.  (more…)

  • The Difference Between Fulfillment and Achievement

    The Difference Between Fulfillment and Achievement

    “You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” ~C.S. Lewis

    I have always been ambitious. I have always felt an incredible need to become someone, to do something, to achieve. I have always been a dreamer on my way up.

    I’m a fashion designer. I belong to an industry that I knew was highly competitive from a young age. Ambition and hard work counted, but increasingly, I was getting the message that status, money, and connections were far more important factors for success.

    In fact, fashion as an industry is parallel to the entertainment industry. Just look to all the celebrities whose next career move, often in desperation, is to create a fashion line. I was no celebrity—not even close. I was a plain, quiet girl who was more studious than glamorous.

    In fashion, there are sayings like “You’re only as good as your last season” or “One day you’re in, the next day you’re out.” We live in a go-go-go, high-achieving, fast paced world laced with ambition, goals, and people who want to do it all and have it all. So it had been ingrained in me to always work hard.

    Throughout college, I worked (almost full-time), went to school (actually full-time), and came home to work on design projects, sew into the night, or write for my little fashion blog. I took no time off, worked endless hours, and dedicated myself wholly to my craft, my industry, and my goals.

    All to get somewhere, become something, to achieve my lifelong dream.

    That all came to a halt when I graduated and I started pounding the pavement. I was sure that my hard work and talent would pay off—but it didn’t. For almost an entire year, I didn’t even get an interview.

    It was a shameful part of my life, one that I would not readily admit to anyone. I was working full-time in a different industry making very little money, but could not get in on the one I had worked so hard toward my entire life.

    So I stopped after a year to ask myself, what was I doing wrong? (more…)

  • Reaching Out for Help When The Road Gets Rough

    Reaching Out for Help When The Road Gets Rough

    “Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene

    There was a time in my life when I struggled to share my pain. I actually took great pride in how stubborn I had become. It wasn’t until I started looking within myself that these prideful attitudes started to shift. Actually, my whole life started to change.

    Once I started my journey of self-discovery, I no longer wanted to deal with my pain by myself. I slowly reached out to others and asked them for help.

    It was in asking for help and sharing my pain with others that I felt myself getting stronger. 

    I didn’t expect, however, that I’d need to ask for help repeatedly.

    In August of 2006, I was with a small group of people inside a airplane hanger that was used as a classroom to give instruction for skydiving. Worn-out couches and old beanbag chairs formed  a circle where we gathered. The décor on the walls was something you’d find in a local head shop that sold 60’s and 70’s paraphernalia.

    A positive vibe filled the room, as a young instructor prepped us on the safety procedures needed for jumping out of the plane.

    It had been sixteen years since I had made my first jump. When I shared this information with the instructor, she asked me, “What took you so long to come back?”

    I didn’t respond out loud, but simply smiled. I wasn’t brave enough to explain why I had come back this time.

    Initially, I jumped in the fall of 1990 as a way for me to turn my life over to  a higher power; that jump marked the beginning of my inner journey.

    Skydiving had helped me change my life from despair to hope. For me, it wasn’t about seeking adventure or adrenaline; it was about letting go and finding myself. I had no intention of making a second jump.

    But I eventually discovered that my first jump was only the beginning of my journey.

    Why did it take me sixteen years to come back? Pride and stubbornness kept me away. I didn’t want to admit that things in my life had become difficult. When I did, I felt that I needed to return to skydiving to help me, once again, let go. (more…)

  • 5 Ways to Validate Yourself: Be Part of Your Support System

    5 Ways to Validate Yourself: Be Part of Your Support System

    “You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise L. Hay

    We all have techniques we depend on to lift our spirits when we’re feeling down about ourselves or our lives.

    A while back I realized something about the ones I’d found most effective when struggling to forgive or accept myself: Many of them involved seeking validation from other people.

    Some of my most effective mood-boosters included:

    • Reading emails from readers who’d benefitted from my writing
    • Calling loved ones and reminding myself of how much they valued me
    • Sharing my experiences and recognizing, through the resultant conversations, that I wasn’t alone with my feelings and struggles

    These are all perfectly valid approaches to feeling better, but they all hinge on praise and external support.

    Getting help from others is only one part of the equation. We also need to be able to validate, support, and help ourselves.

    With this in mind, I’ve come up with a few ideas to create a little more balance in my support system, making myself a more central part of it.

    If you’re also looking to increase your capacity for self-soothing so you can depend less on validation from others, you may find these ideas helpful:  (more…)

  • When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed: Create a To-Live List

    When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed: Create a To-Live List

    “The only pressure I’m under is the pressure I’ve put on myself” ~Mark Messier

    It was enough. I was lying in the bathtub with the water up to my nose when I realized that I couldn’t go on like I’d been going.

    I had been working incredibly hard over the few months prior, so hard that I had forgotten why I was even doing it. And now that I was stressed out and exhausted, I was trying to remember.

    That’s why I had escaped into the bathtub, without any books or magazines to distract me from myself.

    I thought back to when it all began, to the beginning of the year when I was just another college student.

    I had just moved out from my parents’ house. I was constantly broke and not sure if I liked the path I saw laid out for me. The thought of ending up in a cubicle scared me. I had seen so many people fade into misery, their dreams dead and their hopes crushed.

    I didn’t want to grow up just to get by.

    I wanted to live.

    I knew there was a little spark in me that would turn into a big fire if I fed it the right thoughts and worked hard.

    When I learned that there were blogs like Tiny Buddha, solely devoted to your quality of life, I was ready to listen.

    I dove in head-first and studied whatever I could get my hands on, from positive psychology and old school philosophy to conscious business and doing work you love.

    I decided that I would become an entrepreneur. I would find my passion and purpose and turn it into a profitable business so that I wouldn’t have to wait tables after class and get sucked into a cubicle post-graduation. (more…)