Tag: wisdom

The Top 10 Tiny Buddha Insights from 2012

Happy almost 2013!

It seems like just yesterday I wrote “Happy almost 2012!” before summarizing the top lessons from 2011.

I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions, as I like to think that any moment is an ideal time to make a change, but I always appreciate looking back and recognizing progress and growth.

The site grew by leaps and bounds this year, surpassing two million monthly page views. However, what I’ve found most exciting is the increased interest in contributing to the blog.

Each month, I’ve received more submissions than the month before, but what inspires me isn’t the number of posts that people have submitted; it’s the honesty and passion that people have put into them.

Ultimately, I think we all want more than knowledge; we want to know that we’re not alone, and we want not just to be helped, but also to help others.

I’m proud and grateful that this is a space where we can all do both—where we can connect with each other based on our shared experiences and feelings, and can both learn from each other and share what we’ve learned.

The top ten insights from posts written this year (based on page views and comments) include: (more…)

December 30, 2012
New Year’s Tiny Wisdom Buy One Give One eBook Sale
To celebrate the New Year, I decided to run a second Tiny Wisdom eBook sale (as I previously did on my birthday in August).

For today only, if you purchase the Tiny Wisdom eBook series (5 eBooks for $19.97), I will send a free set to a friend of your choice. (Weekly email subscribers, this offer is good for you today, Friday January 4th.)

All you need to do is:
- Order your set (by scrolling all the way down and clicking on “buy now” for the full set)
- Forward your confirmation email to me at email(AT)tinybuddha(DOT)com
- Include your friend’s name, email address, and any note you would like to include
If you’ve already purchased the series and would like to take advantage of this offer, you can purchase another set today and I will send sets to two of your friends. Just follow the instructions above for both friends and note in the email that this is your second purchase.

I will be away until tomorrow, so please note you will not receive a response from me, and your friend will not receive his or her set, until late afternoon on Tuesday, January 1st.

The Tiny Wisdom eBook Series

Earlier this year, I created 5 short eBooks with posts on the following topics:
- Self-Love
- Happiness
- Mindfulness
- Love
- Pain
They aren’t lengthy how-to posts with overwhelming lists of action steps. They’re short reflections on the little things that make a huge difference in our daily lives. They’re reminders of what matters and how to embrace it, right now, instead of focusing on all the things that only bring us down.

They’re concise. They’re focused. Most importantly, they’re relevant to the challenges we all face every day.

These eBooks are available individually or as a complete package. On it’s own, each eBook costs $4.97. The full package of five costs $19.97—which essentially means you get one free if you buy the whole series (and for today only, you receive a second set to send to a friend).

Buy the Tiny Wisdom eBooks

Note: You can purchase the eBooks individually for $4.97 each, or scroll down to buy the whole series for $19.97. Today’s promotion is only for the full set. (more…)
December 30, 2012
Reframing Rejection: Getting Rejected Doesn’t Always Have to Hurt

“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

When I entered college, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I was going to be an actuary, just like my sister.

Judy had just graduated, and she loved her job. My sister and I are very similar (both of us are math nerds, for example), so I knew I would love it too.

While my school didn’t have an Actuarial Science major or any formal preparation for the career, I was able to get ahead, passing the qualifying exams at a rapid clip. And just as I was supposed to, I got a prestigious internship at a big consulting firm the summer after my junior year.

Life was good. I loved my internship. I was being paid handsomely. And I was doing well, as indicated by my performance review.

When the summer was over, all I had to do was wait for the call, the job offer, and I’d be set for life.

That was the plan, at least.

Of course, things never quite work out as planned. So when the phone call eventually came, it wasn’t with a job offer, but rather the only rejection out of our six-person internship class.

While it was disappointing, I knew that with my great qualifications I would get an offer from another big company. In fact, I had connections at some competing firms, which I was sure would lead to another comparable job.

I did everything I had to do. I interviewed perfectly, and no one else who was interviewing for the same positions had passed as many exams as I had.

Yet somehow, it wasn’t good enough. By Christmas, I had gotten rejected from every single company I had applied to.

I wasn’t sure how to feel. Of course, I felt pretty bad. But then, I kind of didn’t.

You see, I was never able to study abroad in college. My roommate spent five months living in Jerusalem, and I was jealous. Suddenly, I was presented with the opportunity to remedy my #1 regret.

And now, nearly a year later, I am living in Netanya, Israel, teaching English and having a great time. Out of rejection came a wonderful opportunity for me.

Perhaps I’m just lucky. I certainly am grateful for the way things turned out. That being said, there is a mindset behind turning rejection into good fortune, and that mindset can be developed. (more…)

December 27, 2012
Becoming Friends With Yourself: You Deserve Your Love

“You, yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~The Buddha

Bodhicitta. Metta. Loving-kindness. Compassion. Whatever you call it, this is what spiritual practice is all about, right? Long story short, the teachings instruct us to generate these vast motivations and wishes that all sentient beings be free from suffering and experience true and lasting happiness.

It sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?

So why is it that so many of us are still unhappy, even after years of sitting on the cushion? Why do we still struggle with depression, anxiety, fear, and even self-loathing?

Now, I’m not the first practitioner to point this out, but the main reason is that we forget the most important word in these prayers, aspirations and practices: all.

This, as they say, means you.

This would seem easy, wouldn’t it? To include ourselves in this great wish for limitless happiness seems to be nothing short of the most common sense. After all, you want to be happy, don’t you?

But the truth is, this is very hard for us here in the west. At a very deep and wounded level, we don’t really think we deserve any of that. So even though we might spend a great deal of time thinking about others, we wholeheartedly neglect ourselves.

At least I do.

You see, before I discovered Buddhism and meditation, I was a drug addict. During those twenty-three years of madness, clinging, and sorrow, I hurt a lot of people. But mostly, out of self-loathing and shame, I hurt myself.

When I finally made the choice to give recovery a real shot, I had to begin the long, slow, and always painful process of making amends, not only with my friends and family, but also with myself. (more…)

December 26, 2012
Finding Peace: Take Power Away from Your Thoughts and Emotions

“Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you.” ~John De Paola

My almost three year old, Willow, is obsessed with playing doctor.

She lies on the couch, hands down at her sides. She hands me a small flashlight and a toy frying pan (which I’m told to pretend is a stethoscope) and orders, “Check me out, Doctor Mommy!”

She methodically points out every scratch, scrape, bruise, and freckle on her body. She tells me how much snot she feels in her nose and how many times she coughed, sneezed, and hiccupped that day so that I can give her the most comprehensive treatment possible.

After I go through the doctor motions to her satisfaction, she wants to know how her scratches, bruises, and hiccups will really go away. Since we’re only playing and mommy is not a real doctor, how will her perfect health be restored?

I tell her there is nothing she has to do. Her natural state is perfect health. Her body will tend to return there with no effort on her part.

That’s often, but not always, true of the physical body. Bodies always attempt to heal, but they don’t always return to how they once were. A body is a machine with a roughly 80-year warranty. It is amazing and largely self-correcting, but it’s not foolproof.

Minds, on the other hand, are different. I believe mental health and mental clarity are present in all of us, all of the time.

Sometimes we experience mental health and clarity and sometimes we don’t, just like sometimes we experience sun and sometimes we don’t. The sun is always there behind the clouds. Mental clarity and wisdom are always there, behind our thoughts.

Just like the clouds will always part to reveal the sun, thoughts roll in and thoughts roll out.

Your healthy mind will always return to a state of well-being if you don’t interfere.

As it turns out, not interfering is easier said than done. (more…)

December 26, 2012
Overcoming Anxiety: Moving from Fear to Presence

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” ~Nelson Mandela

When I was a trainee teacher at a Cambridge University, I attended one of the oldest, most sought-after colleges, where most of the other graduate students were astrophysicists and economists, and 90% male.

They also seemed to come from families that were in some way related to the Queen of England, whereas I was a young, pregnant, trainee high school teacher whose nearest connection to Queens was owning a Freddie Mercury single, and I was a little shy.

Formal college dinners were a regular occurrence, and you were expected make small talk as you sipped your cream sherry in the medieval banquet hall in your black robes before dinner.

When I tried to talk honestly about what I was studying or what I was interested in, it tended to lead to embarrassed mumblings and a quick escape.

So one day, when someone asked me what I did, I said I was a lion tamer.

Their eyes lit up. “Really?” they asked, intrigued. “Oh yes!” I replied, “Each day I have to have nerves of steel as I enter a room of caged brutes and try to get them to perform tricks!”

I am no longer a teacher. But I am still a lion tamer.

In fact, it was the lions that stopped me teaching, the same lions who were hiding under the table at those grand banquets, when I couldn’t think of anything to say.

Yes, you heard me right, I live in close proximity to a caged lion. Wild, unpredictable, untamable, he longs to roam the plains. But instead, it’s just him and me, locked in my head together. His name? Anxiety!

I have learned what makes him roar, what feeds him. He smells blood and out he comes, lured by deadlines, taxes, financial issues, illness, death, or medical professionals. So far, so normal.

But he’s a strange type. He doesn’t like parties and social occasions, talking on the phone, images of me, swim suits, nudity, heights, or criticism.

And so anxiety and I live together. I know how to keep him sweet, and keep myself safe. We have learned to make deals. And I avoid his territory like the plague. (more…)

December 25, 2012
6 Steps to Release Your Fear and Feel Peaceful

“We are not what we know but what we are willing to learn.” ~Mary Catherine Bateson

It was a balmy spring morning and I started my day as per usual, but I soon realized that my mind was entertaining fearful thoughts about my financial insecurity.

With many new ventures within the seedling stage, my income flow was erratic and unpredictable, while my financial responsibilities were consistent and guaranteed. At the time I ignored these thoughts as “petty,” like a parent dismissing a crying child after a mild fall on the pavement.

What I didn’t realize was that my mind wanted to entertain these fear-based thoughts like a Hollywood blockbuster, and as you may know, what you focus on expands.

Before I knew it, my body was in a state of complete anxiety and fear. I literally felt my cognitive and creative centers shutting down. I felt completely powerless, a hostage to my own mind.

My body felt paralyzed, and I felt disconnected from my talents and gifts. I felt separate, isolated, and vulnerable. I became a victim of the fear.

In this moment I realized the powerful impact thoughts can have on how we feel, mentally and physically. Here is what unfolded through me, and the lessons I treasured from this experience.

Fear is a closed energy, referred to as inverted faith. Fear exists when we do not trust our connection to the infinite part of who we are and buy into a story about what’s unfolding in our life.

The emotions we feel are created from the thoughts that we choose to focus on, consciously or unconsciously. The emotions act as markers to let us know if we are focusing on expansive, empowering thoughts or fearful, limiting thoughts.

If I were to relate this in a story, it may be like a pilot believing he no longer had any guidance or support from the airport control tower in a large storm, and no instruments on board to detect if he was on a collision course with another airplane.

If the control tower represents the infinite part of who we are, which always knows what’s best for us, it can be understandable why the pilot with no other guidance except for his own eye sight would be fearful of the situation at hand.

An alarm on the plane beeping at the pilot would represent the emotions. The alarm’s purpose is to get the attention of the pilot so he can focus and realize he is off the path.

Once our emotions start to take a grip of our physical body, what can we do to move from a state of limitation and fear into an open, tranquil, peaceful state? (more…)

December 25, 2012
10 Powerful Gifts to Give and Receive Today

“Each day comes bearing its own gifts. Untie the ribbons.” ~Ruth Ann Schabacker

Regardless of what holiday you celebrate, or how you honor it, there’s no denying this is an emotionally loaded time of year.

We either remind ourselves how grateful we are for all the people we love, or we remember how much it hurts that we don’t have people like that in our lives.

We either celebrate all our blessings, or we look toward the year to come, wondering if we’ll have more then.

You may find yourself reflecting on last Christmas in awe of how much has changed for the better in just one year’s time.

Or you may look back on the last twelve months wistfully, wishing things could be the way they were.

We’ll all experience the holiday season in many different ways over the course of our lives.

Whatever your unique situation this year—whether you’re in a growth cycle or working through feelings of loss—you have a lot to give and receive.

5 Gifts You Can Receive Today

1. Your breath.

It’s one of those things we take for granted—the air that gives us life. We don’t even need to think about breathing; we do it automatically.

Clearly we can appreciate that our breath sustains us, but it can do so much more. When we focus on breathing deeply, it can ground us, calm us, detoxify us, and even heal us.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Look at your hands, your feet, the tip of your nose. Fully inhabit your body. You’re here. You’re alive. (more…)

December 24, 2012
35 Simple Ways to Be Beautiful

“Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.” ~Sophia Loren

Even though I got Joey McIntyre from The New Kids on the Block to sign my scoliosis back brace in the sixth grade, I still felt ugly wearing it.

I didn’t realize the irony back then, but in retrospect it seems a little funny that I grew crooked considering I convinced myself I was wilting in my sister’s shadow. (I also had braces and headgear, but that’s another story.)

I was a kid who wanted to be beautiful, but more desperately wanted to feel loved. My self-esteem increased through the years, but I never quite shook the sneaking suspicion I’d never be beautiful enough. Or maybe lovable enough.

It would be easy to blame it all on society and the Kate Moss era of modeling, but I think it’s more than that. I just never learned to notice and appreciate all the beautiful things about myself. The stuff that had nothing to do with my waistline, skin tone, or eye lashes and everything to do with who I am.

I never learned to give myself the credit for all the good I do in the world. I was too busy cataloging my weaknesses, mistakes, and flaws to recognize it.

It seems like such a cliché to say that pretty is as pretty does, but the truth is, physical beauty is subjective. And even if someone perfectly matches your ideal of physical perfection, their looks will eventually fade. What endure are the qualities, passions, and habits we nurture.

That’s what makes us beautiful—and believe me when I say there is something beautiful in everyone. If you’ve done any of the following lately, you are absolutely beautiful: (more…)

December 23, 2012
Being Grateful for the Imperfect Present

“If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” ~Oprah Winfrey

I live in an old house.

It is 212 years old this year, to be exact.

We’ve added onto it over the years so it presents itself as more youthful than its age. The old bones remain, though, as well as many of the quirks. Those “quirks” give it character, right? It’s much like my emerging crow’s feet give my face character.

That’s the positive spin on crow’s feet, at least.

We have uneven floors, to the point where most of our furniture is shimmed, and shimmed-like-crazy. Without it, our mantle would tip to such a degree that it would seem that we are on the sinking Titanic.

When our kids were young, they could sit on a wee scooter, lift their legs, and coast backward through two rooms. (Insta-fun!)

We have asymmetrical moldings and strange gaps. When we first moved into our home, I was attempting to fill a gap in the wood on the stairs with caulk; it shot straight through the stair and into the basement.

I think I unloaded about half the tube before it started to fill. Probably should have just gone with a new piece of wood.

We joke that ours is the “House That Caulk Built.”

We have different varieties of wood for floors, and those floors creak to the point that, when our cat walks upstairs, it sounds like a human instead. There are gaps around the doors because nothing is level, and the rooms don’t have overhead lights in most cases (save for the kitchen, dining room. and bathrooms). Floor lamps and table lamps illuminate our indoor world.

But the kitchen. The kitchen. The heart of the home.

It is the size of most people’s walk-in closets. There is a lack of counter space, not enough outlets (I mentioned that already, didn’t I?) and it’s just too small, small, small.

The unfortunate thing is that I love to cook. I spend the majority of my days in the kitchen and go there for play (so to speak), as well. (more…)

December 20, 2012
Choose Your Battles: Fighting Less in Relationships

“A more peaceful way to live is to decide consciously which battles are worth fighting and which are better left alone.” ~Richard Carlson

Have you ever been in a relationship that seemed more like work than fun? Where every day you seemed to have a new issue to discuss?

Maybe it had to do with little miscommunications, or an ongoing dispute, or a difference of opinion that regularly complicated your daily interactions.

Whatever it was, you always found yourself wanting to hash things out to get everything back to normal.

Except that was normal—conflict, friction, and disagreement; you just held out hope that maybe it could change.

I had a friendship like this a few years back. We really got each other, and that’s a big part of why we grew close.

But we also got on each other’s nerves on a near-daily basis. In retrospect, I see that our two personalities came together to create something toxic.

It was like the perfect storm of insecurities and and egos colliding; our collapse may have always been a matter of time. But I also realize we both created drama where it didn’t need to be.

We made everything an issue.

I’ve since learned that healthy relationships require a little discernment as to what’s a problem and what’s just small stuff; and that sometimes, the instinct to sweat all that small stuff is a sign of a bigger problem—that the relationship may just not be right.

Not sure why so much annoys you? There could be any number of reasons. One of these problems may seem familiar, and one of these solutions may help.

Problem 1:

You’re harboring resentment or anger, but instead of expressing what you really feel, you pick at the little things.

The Solution:

Take some time to get to the root of your feelings. What’s really bothering you? Sure, those unwashed dishes and slow email responses are annoying, but what’s the bigger issue? (more…)

December 20, 2012
The People We Need to Forgive Can be Our Greatest Teachers

“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” ~Marianne Williamson

I lay huddled in a ball, my arms tightly around my knees, screaming at the top of my lungs. “Stop!” I wailed.

It was November 30, 2006. The next day I was turning 13, and it seemed like my life was crumbling before my eyes.

Earlier that night I was on my computer mindlessly clicking, with the usual soundtrack in the background, my mother and stepfather screaming at each other—until I heard a shattering smash. For minutes the house lay silent.

I crept out of my room, down the hallway to see my stepfather throwing my mother’s broken glasses back at her face. I saw the glass coffee table shattered.

“Go through to your room Toni!” my mother yelled. I refused and stubbornly watched.

My stepfather and mother continued to yell. Next the television hit the floor, and that’s when I found myself in the ball, screaming for it all to stop.

After that night we moved into a women’s shelter for the abused and homeless. In a haze of Valium, depression, and nightmares I watched women pass me by. Their children’s eyes spoke of horrors.

I spent the next five years of my life in a chaotic darkness within my head. I blamed myself for what had happened that night and despised what I was.

During that time, my mother and I flew to the other side of the planet and back many times over, chasing fleeting moments and running away from ourselves.

Eventually, my mother went back to my stepfather. Things quickly escalated and we again moved to another country, then to another state.

After that night, a huge resentment boiled inside of me, particularly for my stepfather. Still, I would go up to visit him every now and then after we moved back to Sydney. (more…)

December 19, 2012
The Real Secret About the Power of the Mind

“What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: Our life is the creation of our mind.” ~Buddha

Unless you spent the last decade in a Tibetan monastery or under a rock, you probably know about Rhonda Byrne’s book/DVD The Secret.

This 2006 self-help volume, highly endorsed by the likes of Oprah Winfrey, erroneously educated readers on “The Law Of Attraction,” a hypothesis that suggests we have the power to influence events and circumstances of our live in three simple steps:

1. “Ask the Universe for what you want.” In essence, get your desires very clear in your mind. (Do not limit yourself to any possibility.)

2. Believe. “Act, speak, and think as though you have already received what you’ve asked for.” When you emit the frequency of having received it, the law of attraction moves people, events, and circumstances for you to receive.

3. Receive. “Feel the way you will feel once your desire has manifested.” Feeling good now puts you on the frequency of what you want.

The general public accepted this get-thin/rich/famous/talented-quick scheme and ate it up like a bowl of Cherry Garcia ice-cream.

One interesting characteristic about people who believe anything they’re told without the benefits of research is that they tend to have a very fickle belief system. So countless people believed The Secret, then slumped into devastated depressions when asking the Universe to make them skinny didn’t actually make those size two skinny jeans glide on and button up.

But instead of people blaming the gurus who presented this misinformation, they took it personally, given they’d also been told that if their wishes weren’t quickly granted, it was because the wisher just wasn’t wishing hard enough. (more…)

December 19, 2012
Happiness Comes to Those Who Live Their Calling

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love.” ~Rumi

I was on tour with a famous rock legend, Joe Walsh from the mega-successful seventies band, The Eagles.

We were riding around in one of those air brushed tour busses, living the party life and flying to exotic places. Staying in the finest hotels. Beautiful women hanging around the backstage door trying to get my attention.

You would think this would be a dream come true, right?

Here I was rubbing shoulders with people like Stevie Nicks, Willie Nelson, and The Fabulous Thunderbirds, and yet, I wasn’t happy. Not really.

And you know what really sucks?

When you’re so close to your dream you can almost reach out and touch it, but for some reason you can’t. Something is holding you back.

You spend years working hard just to get next to it. You’re working right there in the area of your passion. But you aren’t actually living it.

You’re helping someone else to live theirs.

It feels like your face is pressed up against a glass wall. And there, just on the other side is the thing you’re really supposed to be doing.

I was his sound engineer. But the dream was to be playing guitar up onstage with him.

The band and crew were like family because we had done several tours together. Joe knew I rehearsed regularly with the band when he didn’t show up and that I knew the music cold.

Even the guys in the band agreed it would sound better if I was playing the other guitar parts but it wasn’t their place to say.

All I had to do was ask. But I couldn’t seem to get up the nerve. I just couldn’t get past the uncertainty of what might happen if I took the leap and got shot down.

I was poised to jump but paralyzed by fear.

I guess I was just hoping the other band members would put in the good word and do my bidding for me by asking to have a second guitar player.

I was wrong.

Nothing happened. The train kept a rolling with me still behind the soundboard. Still unhappy.

I figured out in the silent weeks that followed that no one just hands you the keys to the highway. You have to ask for them.

Finally, I arrived at the place where I could no longer stand by and accept my “close but no cigar” status. The idea that I would have to live with the consequences of not trying was simply too much to bear.

So I decided to cast my fears and uncertainty to the wind and just ask Joe if I could play the gig.

And then something very strange happened.

I never got the chance. (more…)

December 18, 2012
The World’s Top 7 Life-Changing Gurus

“Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.” ~William S. Burroughs

Where do you turn when life gets you down? Who’s your hero, your mentor, your pillar of strength amidst the turmoil?

Haven’t we all had those days when life just seems to be a battle? I know I certainly have. And then there are times when there’s an ongoing challenge that grabs hold of us and just won’t let go.

What can you do? Where do you get your strength—your answers?

For a lot of us, we look to inspirational figures, leaders, experts, gurus, and even celebrities. Those larger than life figures that are out there living life, experiencing things we only dream of, and dispensing the wisdom we don’t think we possess.

In my younger years, I wanted a mentor. I thought surely that would solve all my problems. It would give me the hope, encouragement, and maybe even strategies to live the life I was destined to live. I could finally overcome my personal challenges or lack of experience and knowledge.

This notion went on for years. Oh sure, I had plenty of good jobs and made decent money. I lived the life so many of us do. I just wanted more. I felt I had potential that just wasn’t surfacing.

Eventually my yearnings led me to discover experts and gurus willing to sell their advice.

I won’t list their names here, but you know who they are. They offered seminars, created master-mind groups, put together home-study courses. I thought, hey, maybe this is the answer. I can buy my mentors!

From the big names to the lesser-knowns, I started buying nearly every self-development and business strategy course they peddled.

It became an addiction that nearly led me to bankruptcy.

I was buying so many programs and courses and retreats and “solutions” that I had no time to implement any of them. The buying itself became my solution. Ugh.

I was hooked on glitter, celebrity, and everything external. I was chasing success, happiness, and purpose as if they were “out there” somewhere.

I had no idea who I really was. I gave no credence to the experiences that life had blessed me with. I didn’t value the inner wisdom that resided within. (more…)

December 18, 2012
We Belong When We Connect with Each Other

“When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” ~Wayne Dyer

Te holiday season is a time to connect with others, to celebrate our common humanity, even if the holidays we celebrate are different.

Instead sadly people all over the world are still taking sides. They seek to identify with one “side” or another (tribe, culture, religion, politics, nationality). They seek to belong by being distinct from others.

They seek to belong by hating the other side, sometimes by killing the other side.

But finding identity in reinforcing our differences will never give us a true sense of belonging, a real sense of connection. We are already connected; we are already one. We are all just individual expressions of the same universal energy.

We need to work out how to stay united—connected in our diversity, rather than divided by our differences.

When my husband and I were suffering infertility (infertility is still there, we just choose not to suffer anymore), I desperately wanted to belong to the Mother’s club.

But instead of reaching out to friends and colleagues who were mothers (every woman around me, it seemed) I chose to disconnect. I let my insane jealousy drive a wedge in friendships, and my mom friends walked on eggshells around me.

As I put distance between us, it was easy for them to drift away.

We embarked on a long and arduous (and ultimately unsuccessful) IVF journey, and I remember walking out of our first information session feeling like I was already branded—infertile, guilty as charged.

I stared into the faces of the other couples in the room, but I chose not to see them. I didn’t want to identify with them. I didn’t want to join the IVF patients club.

So we became patients, but didn’t seek connection with other couples. We didn’t offer them compassion, nor seek solace in our own struggles. And running away from the shared sense of consolation we might have had only left us alone. (more…)

December 17, 2012
Active Contentment: 5 Tips to Have Both Peace and Ambition

“Peace is not merely a distant goal we seek but a means by which we arrive at that goal.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Stress equals success.

I wholeheartedly believed this for many years. Who had led me so astray? I have only myself to blame.

The concept of peace had no practical application in my life. Peace was something that was necessary in war-torn countries, not in my mind.

This toxic belief began in college. The library often felt like a boxing ring where my fellow students and I competed to be the most stressed out.

Who had the most papers to write, the most books to read, the most labs to complete? Who had stayed up the latest the night before? Who had gone the longest without sleep or food? Or a shower?

If you were stressed out, you were respected. Accepted.

“I’m stressed out, so that must mean I’m achieving something,” I’d think to myself on a regular basis. Then I graduated, and the stress continued.

After six months of working a nine-to-five office job, I realized that I didn’t want to spend my life building someone else’s dream. I wanted to carve out a life of freedom for myself, so I decided to start my own business.

At first, I felt completely liberated. I woke up excited to work every morning. Then guilt set in.

Oh guilt, what a useless emotion.

As I sat working from my home office in my favorite sweat pants, I watched the morning commuters. Most looked tired, frazzled, and unhappy. And a big part of me envied them. Envied? Yes.

I no longer felt “accepted” in the rat race.

“What did you do to deserve this great life?” said my subconscious mind. “If you want to be happy, you need to be stressed out first. Peace only comes after a life of hard work and huge success. Retirement—now that’s happiness!”

I have no idea why these thoughts were so prevalent. Perhaps it was because I’d never known there was a different way of life out there.

And so with this mindset, I set about attempting to becoming as stressed out as possible. I believed that if I wasn’t cramming as much into my day as possible and setting ridiculous goals for myself, I couldn’t truly call myself an entrepreneur.

And then something happened. Something called yoga.

I started doing yoga and meditating on a regular basis, and the practice slowly but surely seeped into me and began to unleash a peace I’d never thought possible. I started smiling more and caring less. I experienced fleeting moments of pure contentment.

My relationships improved, and I learned how to handle stress in a healthy way. I no longer let it run my life.

I also stopped thinking about the future as much.

A few months after my turning point, I had coffee with a friend.

“All I truly want to be in life is content,” I told him confidently. I was sure I had life figured out once and for all.

“Great,” he replied, “but is content all you ever want to be? What about always aiming for something bigger? What about your desire to continually grow and learn and transform?”

Sigh. I knew he was right. After almost burning out on creating stress, I had gone too far in the other direction. I had lost sight of my vision.

I knew that if I gave up on my ambitions, I wouldn’t be content for a long. I had always been a big dreamer.

Balance, balance, balance.

Everything I was reading at the time told me to “live in the moment.” Yoga is all about being present in the here and now, and I couldn’t figure out how to factor this mentality into my budding business.

“How the heck can I apply the concept of living in the moment in a practical way in my life?” I shouted at the universe.

Finally, a tiny voice in my head answered me. There was no blare of trumpets, no fanfare. It was simple, beautiful:

Seek active contentment.

Active contentment. Such a liberating concept. It’s about being completely at peace with who you are and what you’re doing in the moment while simultaneously maintaining a vision for the future.

The following are five ways to help cultivate an attitude of active contentment:

1. Make time for downtime every day.

Downtime could involve meditation, light exercise, listening to music, reading something for fun—anything that puts you at ease and allows you to check out for a while. The recharge time will help you become more receptive to new ideas and inspiration.

2. Write a list of everything you’re grateful for right now.

Read it often. Gratitude is powerful, and taking stock of everything you have right now can help ease the pressure in stressful times.

3. Make two lists of goals: immediate goals for the week ahead and bigger-picture goals to work toward.

Being able to check off smaller goals grounds you in the present and will help motivate you to keep working toward those bigger, future goals. Momentum is also powerful force.

4. Celebrate small successes every day.

The biggest achievements are often a result of multiple small ones. By learning to appreciate the little things, you open yourself up to a world of joy.

5. Remember that in the end, there is nothing you have to do.

It’s your life. Just breathe. It’s good to be motivated, but sometimes just taking the pressure off is the most effective way to accomplish a big goal.

It’s a lesson that took me a long time to learn: just because you’re happy with where you’re at doesn’t mean you don’t want to be inspired or aim higher. Being at peace in the moment will only help you attract more success into your life.

Peace isn’t some distant goal to work toward. It’s something that can be cultivated on a daily basis to help you achieve your goals in a health way.

Active contentment is growth. It’s a state of mind that allows for ambition as well as peace. I challenge you to be actively content with your life. Namaste!

Photo by missportilla

December 17, 2012
Direct Your Emotional Memory to Feel Good Now

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” ~Henry Ford

You’re stuck at work and you dream of something better.

This dreaming usually starts off great. You imagine yourself sitting at a desk working on a million dollar project or teaching underprivileged kids how to multiply seven times three.

Whatever your vision is, it’s good to daydream about this, but what usually happens is that we snap out of it, and reality smacks us in the face. We’re answering phones, running errands, and hating our lives.

I’ve been there, most of Gen Y is currently there, and everyone else was also there at some point in their early careers. Through the years I’ve interviewed hundreds of people about their careers. Each one always talks about one tool that they use over and over again.

Selective Memory

I noticed that most of the older people look back on their early careers in fondness. They forget about the pain and remember the good times. A lot of times they even look back on the pain in fondness.

They see how their superpowers had developed over the years. They know that each struggle was a part of their career growth and happiness.

My father, a small business owner, an electrical contractor, struggled in his early years. He had to run around hunting down jobs. No one knew who he was, so the jobs didn’t fall on his lap. He had to schmooze with old and new contacts.

I remember him coming home dejected, tired, and grumpy. I could have gotten free meals from the school, but my parents were too proud. I brown bagged my lunch 99.9% of the time. We couldn’t afford $.75 for a school lunch.

Now my father looks back on that time in fondness. He’s proud of my family’s fortitude. It got them to where they are now. Let’s put it this way, they can go on vacation anytime they want even though my father still works. He works because he enjoys what he does and doesn’t want to give this up.

If only he could have seen the magic in what he was creating when he created it. He would have saved himself a lot of worry. It’s this process that we can all use to help us to bring happiness to our struggles. (more…)

December 16, 2012
Moving on from a Mistake: 5 Tips to Relieve Your Pain

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard

We all make mistakes, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that when we’re in the midst of them. We try to avoid them at all costs because the pain and price can be high.

It can cost us our jobs, our reputations, or our driving records.

In their election ads, political candidates often focus on their opponents’ negative aspects in order to make us vote for them instead. It’s almost as if we’re voting for the person least likely to mess up.

My boyfriend and I used to make jokes about the negative ads because we know they’re ridiculous; we know that they are half-truths and lies.

We’re always going to make mistakes, so I think the most important thing is to focus on our intentions and moral compasses. We can try to do our best, but we will never be perfect.

Just think about watching a gymnast slip off the balance beam at the Olympics. It’s so painful to watch! We know that she’s trained her entire life, hours upon hours every day to get there—and now she’s messed up!

We wonder to ourselves, how will she ever get over that mistake? Will it plague her thoughts for the rest of her life? It almost makes us glad we’re not in her shoes.

No matter how hard we practice, we will occasionally trip up. And we have to accept that.

We have to somehow pick up the pieces after that painful reminder of our humanity and fallibility. We have to piece together our egos and deal with a varying array of emotions.

And the emotions can vary greatly when our egos have been bruised. We can be mad at ourselves for making the mistake. We can feel upset with others because they judge us.

We all want to be accepted and loved, and mistakes can make us feel unlovable and flawed. We forget that everyone’s been there before and will be there again.

I’ve made many mistakes in my life. One time, I got into a wreck because I turned at an intersection too soon. The sun blinded me at sunset and I wasn’t wearing heavy-duty sunglasses.

As a result, another car sideswiped me. I sat there crying, upset at what had just happened. How was I going to tell my parents? What were they going to say to me?

Although no one was physically hurt, the pain lingered in my heart. I blamed myself and carried around that weight for weeks. My car was totaled and I had to drive my parents’ car to and from work each day.

I felt like a failure. My insurance rates went up. My driving record was tarnished.

I was scared to drive. But then I reminded myself of a few things that helped me get some perspective. (more…)

December 16, 2012
Relationships That Hurt: When Enough Is Enough

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put them back together.” ~Unknown

There was a time when I was quite black-and-white with relationships. I either trusted you implicitly, assuming you’d never intentionally hurt me, or believed you wanted to cause me pain and questioned everything you did.

Once you moved yourself into the latter category, there was no going back.

Eventually, I realized I was limiting my relationships by not recognizing the grey area, where people are human, they make mistakes, and they need forgiveness and understanding.

From there I swung the pendulum the other way—I trusted everyone. I refused to consider that someone’s actions might reflect that they didn’t truly care. And I stayed in a lot of unhealthy relationships while making excuses for people.

I wanted them to care. I wanted to believe they valued me—that it only meant I was interpreting incorrectly if their actions seemed to suggest otherwise.

But this is where it gets confusing. On the one hand, we often create a lot of meaning in our heads that isn’t really there. We may feel convinced someone intended to be rude, inconsiderate, or thoughtless when really that wasn’t the case.

On the other hand, sometimes actions speak louder than words, and our interpretations may be accurate.

Sometimes someone is knowingly hurtful or neglectful. We need to be able to recognize that or we’ll end up feeling disempowered, disrespected, and stuck.

So how do you know when to stay and when to walk away? How do you know when you’re not reading into things too much, or being too paranoid, or making mountains out of molehills, but rather simply seeing things for what they are?

After placing myself in this situation more times than I’d like to count, I developed a little three-question guide that’s helped me recognize when enough is enough. (more…)

December 13, 2012