Tag: wisdom

5 Principles to Live by When Life Doesn’t Go Your Way

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~ Maya Angelou

We all have our stories, don’t we?

Some stories merely create a ripple in our lives, while others go deeper. So much so that they can change the course of our lives. Dramatically.

Mine is such a story. It’s no sadder or deeper than anyone else’s. It’s just life, and how I choose to respond to it, I have realized, is what really matters.

My story was (and still is) big enough to change the course of my life, though.

I chose to respond to it holistically, and by letting go of control and trusting what the universe has in store for me.

It wasn’t as easy as that, however. It never is. And I certainly didn’t decide to respond in such a way overnight.

What is my life-changing story?

My story is of endometriosis and infertility. With the pain that visited me every month, I had always suspected I had endometriosis. It’s not usually something a person really investigates, however—unless, of course, she’s trying to start a family, without any success.

Which is exactly what happened in my case when my husband and I decided it was time to grow the clan from two to three.

After a year of trying, it was time to take a look at what was going on. What followed in the next year was a mixture of failure, heartbreak, frustration, anger, and disappointment.

In all my adulthood, I had been in control of the key events in my life and was very successful. I did well in my studies, held great jobs, bought myself a home, traveled to destinations I wanted to see, and married the person I love.

Now, for the first time, something that is considered so integral to life wasn’t going to come so easily into mine.

And I was soon to learn that infertility has more consequences than the obvious one of not being able to have a child.

I had to question everything I thought I knew about life: (more…)

March 20, 2013
Getting to the Root of Pain to Work Through It and Be Happy

“The secret of joy is the mastery of pain” ~Anais Nin

I come from a family of runners. They run from pain, emotions, and uncomfortable feelings.

My mom was 17 when she moved to Texas to get away from her overbearing mother. She couldn’t deal with the pain of never being enough for her parents or herself. She left her parents, extended family, and friends behind in Mississippi without a second glance.

A recovering anorexic, she was looking for something, anything that would ease the pain and prove she was okay.

My father arrived in Texas in his 40s, after leaving his home country of Chile to sail the world. He was looking for something better, something bigger, something to make him feel complete.

When my parents met, my mom was 17 and my dad was 42. It was far from a match made in heaven, but somehow they ended up with their first child within a year—my brother. A year later I was born to an already overstressed mother with no family support system.

From as far back as I can remember, I knew something wasn’t right. I have always been a sensitive person, and I could feel the stress and anger my mom held within even as a toddler.

I didn’t understand these emotions, even though I knew they were there. I assumed, as most children do, that these emotions were directed at me. I decided I had to make things right, because I had obviously done something wrong.

My mom was prone to spontaneous outbursts of anger, so I made it my mission to make her happy. I did everything and anything I could for her and my dad. I knew when I showed emotions it would upset my parents, so I learned to hold my own feelings in.

I taught myself that I was unworthy and flawed, and that I should be happy that my parents took care of me.

Eventually, the pressure I put on myself became too much. Every time my parents fought, I blamed myself for not pleasing them, for not doing enough to make them happy. (more…)

March 20, 2013
How to Stop Betting Against Yourself: 7 Keys for Personal Freedom
“Nothing reduces the odds against you like ignoring them.” ~Robert Brault

Do you ever wake up feeling like you’re battling yourself?

What’s worse is waking up in that battle and feeling like you’ve already lost before you’ve even started the day.

But think about that for a second: isn’t living this way crazy? We think it’s normal to be fighting ourselves. We’re taught we need to grind it out and make something of ourselves to be successful. We’re taught we need to become something.

And the underlying message is this: who we are right now isn’t good enough.

We’re starving for acceptance, but see ourselves as flawed, and we end up spending our lives in a quest to prove ourselves to the world and to ourselves.

The Fallacy of Needing to Earn Your Freedom

When I was a kid I felt radically wild and free. And I bet you did too. But I also would bet that something changed and you don’t feel as free as you once did.

As a curious, adventurous lad, I felt like I could do anything, be anything, and create whatever I wanted. My imagination was my only limit.

But then somewhere along the way I started to hear the voices of my parents, teachers, and adults around me send contrary messages.

I needed to…
- Get good grades to prove my intelligence (and my worth).
- Do what’s right (follow the pages of an old book) and not misbehave to prove my goodness.
- Conform to socially-approved behavior to show that I was a valuable member of society. (more…)
March 19, 2013
When Your Beliefs Hold You Back: Release Them to Avoid Regret
“Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~lan Watts

Do you hear voices?

Even when you are alone, there is usually someone talking to you. And you hear them loud and clear.

Everyone has an internal dialogue going through their heads for a large part of the day. Just because you hear these “voices” it doesn’t mean you are crazy.

On the other hand, these voices can make you believe some crazy things.

Most of what these voices tell you is negative. And when you hear these negative things often enough, you come to believe them.

The worst part is that these voices speak to you in the first person, making you imagine that it’s actually your words:
- “I’ll never be able to lose weight. I just have a slow metabolism.”
- “Old/Bald/Fat people like me never find fulfilling relationships.”
- “I’m not the kind of person who can start my own business—people like me just get a ‘comfortable’ job.”
Underlying each of these statements are assumptions that restrain your behavior, or limiting beliefs. See if you can spot some.

For a long time, I thought I had to become a professional, like a doctor, lawyer, or accountant.

Since I was good at math, I decided to become an actuary. I was fairly content with this decision for a while.

But despite enjoying my 10-week internship, I felt like I couldn’t handle 40+ straight years of corporate work.

In my mind, however, it would have been a waste of my intelligence to do anything else that I wanted to do, such as writing. Plus, I craved the ego boost that comes from other people seeing me as intelligent.

So I applied for more actuarial jobs. And I got rejected from all of them.

While it certainly did hurt to get rejected, it forced me to choose another path for myself. (more…)
March 18, 2013
10 Ways to Be the Person You Wanted to Be as a Kid

“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.” ~Angela Schwindt

When you’re young, anything seems possible. Whether you want to become a school teacher, a ballerina, or an astronaut, it all feels within your reach.

And you so easily get excited by it.

You can visualize in vivid detail what it would be like to hold your roses at curtain call, or how proud you’ll feel when you save the day—as a fireman, a soldier, or maybe even a superhero. You pretend your way through different roles and stay open to different ideas of who you are.

You might know what you like and don’t, and you probably aren’t afraid to vocalize it, but you haven’t yet learned how to get stuck in your ways. You’re too curious for that. That would be boring.

Though you knew back then that sticks and stones might break your bones but names could never hurt you, you did get hurt sometimes. You cried when a bully teased you, or you couldn’t get something you wanted.

But the next day you were back swinging and giving underdogs at the playground, smiling and dreaming new dreams again.

Then life happened. Maybe time and experience taught you to worry, fear, and limit yourself, and you slowly became a person younger you wouldn’t want to play with. You started playing by rules that no one even gave you. You stopped imagining possibilities and believing that you could meet them.

And worst of all, you started thinking that it’s something the world did to you—not something you choose, moment to moment. (more…)

March 18, 2013
3 Ways to Deal with 3 Different Forms of Negativity in the World

“The world is full of a lot of fear and a lot of negativity, and a lot of judgment. I just think people need to start shifting into joy and happiness. As corny as it sounds, we need to make a shift.” ~Ellen DeGeneres

I’ve dealt with a lot of negativity in my life.

When I was only 20, my dad died of ALS, or Lou Gehrig’s disease. Before that I had to watch him suffer from it for a couple of years as his body slowly lost its functions.

Also, when I was young I was bullied a lot. Because I was taught to never fight back, I had a lot of pent up anger knowing that my wrongdoers “won” and got away with it.

To this day, sometimes I have trouble letting go of both big things and small things.

As such, I tend to develop a train of negative thoughts easily, subsequently affecting my mood.

Do any of you feel overwhelmed by negativity?

The Negativity in the World

The thing about negativity is that it’s rampant.

You’re bound to encounter people who disagree with you or people who seem out to bring you down.Then there’s the negative state of the world, where bad things happen to good people and innocent people suffer for no reason.

As such, the negative thoughts tend to enter your mind.

“Why is life so unfair?”

“What did I do to deserve this?”

“What if bad things happen to me?”

Sounds familiar? (more…)

March 17, 2013
5 Ways to Turn Simple Daily Tasks into Meaningful Rituals

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” ~ Robert Brault

“Routine” can seem like a dirty word; we can get stuck repeating the same actions over and over again and feel like slaves to our habits.

Yet there are some things we simply cannot get around—sleeping, waking, eating, working, and engaging with others. There are also repetitions that we embrace as rituals—Friday afternoon with its promise of the weekend, weekly religious observances, a favorite TV show even.

What if we could turn regular, seemingly mundane daily activities into ritualistic celebrations instead of nagging chores?

Turning quotidian activities into rituals, or creating new daily practices, transforms the little stuff into opportunities to stop, show gratitude, and marvel at the beauties of regular life.

One of my rituals is praying. I pray on my knees every day and have been for 20 years. For me, it is a place of comfort and self-love. I love it. It’s like breathing—just happens no matter what.

1. Affirm, affirm, affirm again.

Affirmations remind us of what we value and put us on a path toward a happier, more mindful day. An affirmation is a statement about what we would like to experience, stated in a way that invites this new reality because we state it as already being true.

Studies show that repeatedly saying affirmations physically creates new pathways and connections in your brain.

Write your own affirmation to repeat to yourself at a pre-determined time each day. When writing, remember: (more…)

March 17, 2013
Learning to Love Your Body: 4 Steps to Self-Care

“Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha

My life has been one big hate-fest of my body.

I don’t know when or how it developed, but I have been comparing my body to others’ for as long as I can remember. I was never happy, never good enough. There was always work to be done, goals to achieve.

Not only was I constantly on the latest diet that most likely was extremely bad for me, but I was also mentally beating myself up every step of the way.

The self-talk was brutal and relentless. “Why can’t I just lose weight?” “Why am I so fat?”

The negativity didn’t stop there. I hated others too. Women with “perfect” bodies were a major source of jealousy and envy for me.

The few times that I achieved some sort of ideal, I found myself uncomfortable with my appearance. I projected my hatred and jealousy of others onto myself, and just kept falling down the negativity rabbit hole.

Achievements felt shallow, undeserved, and were always short-lived and followed by a period of self-sabotage.

Finally, after a difficult divorce, left as a single mother raising three young children alone, some sort of light bulb went off in my head. No one else was going to take care of me. I was sick of the misery and mental anguish.

I realized more than ever that I needed to take care of myself so that I could have the energy to get through my demanding life. Something had to give, and what I was doing was not working.

I began by simply realizing that I didn’t feel good physically with the way that I was eating. I noticed a daily sugar crash that was leaving me depressed and with no energy. I decided to start there and started eating more whole foods and less sugar.

Taking a new attitude toward my diet increased my awareness of how good health affected me, and that choice built upon itself daily.

I researched what else I could do to develop better health, and began to properly care for myself. In turn, my life became more manageable, I felt happier, and I was a better mom and person. As a nice bonus I actually lost 30 pounds and became an athlete.

If you’re tired of the self-hate game and ready to begin taking care of yourself, you may want to try the steps that I followed. (more…)

March 14, 2013
Why Enthusiasm Trumps Worrying When It Comes to Reaching Goals

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow. It only saps today of its joy.” ~Leo Buscaglia

They say the greatest joy in life is to be able to live your passion every day, and I only had to look to my teens to remember that what I had always enjoyed doing most—working out. That’s where I wanted to go in life.

Held hostage by worries about the future, status, and money, I decided to head on a different path. I did well in college, graduating with a business degree and a double major in finance and accounting.

A few years later, it was clear that something was off. So last year, I made the big decision to pursue my passion in fitness by becoming a certified personal trainer. The start of the year was full of energy and joy. I was glad that I had finally found my direction, something that I wholeheartedly wanted to do.

I was a man on a mission. By the end of August, I had accomplished my task by taking all the exams and passing the instructor competency evaluation.

Whew, I thought.

All I had to do now was wait for a letter of approval and a wallet card to make it official.

But, what was supposed to take a few weeks ended up taking more than two months. This was the kink in my momentum.

Before I ran into this speed bump, I had everything all carefully and strategically planned out. After I became an accredited personal trainer, it would be “go” time.

Then, while waiting for my accreditation to come through, I felt stuck. I couldn’t start taking clients. I just waited. And with extra time on my hands, I started to think.

This thinking was good at first; I laid out my plans and business strategically. But the more I thought about my personal training business, the more I started to worry.

My worries soon manifested into fear and doubt. I started to feel sick, both inside and out. It wasn’t long before the slow days gave way to questions. Did I give up pursuing a career in the finance industry for this? Was this all a mistake? (more…)

March 13, 2013
3 Tips to Be Happier in Work and in Life

“It isn’t our position but our disposition that makes us happy” ~Unknown

I am just winding down from a business trip that has been both trying and inspiring at the same time. I’ve recently been put into a role to manage a department in a functionality I know nothing about, working with people I’ve barely met, and changing a formerly toxic environment.

To say the least, I have a challenge ahead of me. Now six months into the position, I took my direct reports to breakfast and told them the sole purpose was for them to give feedback on how things have been going since the reorganization.

During coffee, the responses were a flat “Everything’s fine”; by the last bite of my pancake, I had learned that both employees were frustrated—one feeling underutilized and the other having trouble balancing the “working manager” role.

I had a lot of feedback to absorb, and it was very clear that there were items that needed to be addressed right away in order to ease frustration and point them in the right direction. At the same time, some of the comments and feedback needed to be dealt with some very honest directives.

I spent the rest of the day and three hours in the middle of the night dwelling on what and how to address the main points that needed resolution.

During those three mid-night hours, I finally worked through what to address and how to address it. Then I had an epiphany.

Having struggled to be truly happy most of my life, specifically with the pressure and expectations of my new professional role, I realized that the three items I would be preaching to my employees could be directly applied to my own personal life for the same purpose of easing frustration and moving in the right direction—being happy.

How could I set these expectations for my own employees and hold them accountable and not do the same for myself? I knew the three points I would emphasize with them should also be emphasized in my own life. If I was going to hold them accountable, I was going to hold myself accountable too. (more…)

March 13, 2013
Every Day Can Be A Starting Point: Make a New Beginning

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” ~Carl Bard

Birthdays. They’re supposed to be a joyous celebration, right?

That one special day each year when we throw a party and reflect on the day our amazing journey began.

The starting point.

I’ve had quite a colorful journey and certainly enjoyed many wonderful birthdays in my life.

Turning 50 this past year wasn’t one of them. Here’s why.

When we’re little every birthday marks a major accomplishment. We learn to walk. Then we learn to talk. Then we go to school and learn our ABCs.

Everything is brand new.

When we graduate high school they tell us we have our whole lives in front of us. Whether we’re off to college, exploring the world, or entering the work force, we begin a whole new chapter. Independence.

A starting point.

You can just picture that open highway stretched out to infinity before you, beckoning to a future somewhere out on that horizon that calls you to adventure. All that you will become lies out there.

In my twenties, I was a freewheeling single young man touring the world with rock stars. How bad can that be, right?

Turning 30 was awesome too! I was living in sunny Southern California, playing music, and making records in recording studios. Life was good.

Even 40 was great. I had moved back to New York to play in my own band and got married. Our life together had just begun. Then came children. I became Dad.

A starting point.

But 50?

You’re supposed to have accomplished your greatest life’s work by now, right? Achieved all your major goals. Changed the world. (more…)

March 12, 2013
Finding Peace and Joy When Dealing with Pain and Loss

“Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.” ~Richard Bach

There are times when nothing seems to move in the right direction. We either feel stuck or lost in chaos and confusion. Days follow nights as pages on the calendar turn into months, but you remain at the same place.

A few years back I suffered a miscarriage in the eighth month of pregnancy. I lost my baby and my dreams of motherhood. In the deep void I experienced both physical pain and mental agony.

At such times despite your efforts, the situation turns from bad to worse until you hit rock bottom, where you are too shocked to even be angry. You are just numb.

It took me years to understand that life’s balance sheet is not a neat account statement. Here, losses are often gains and gains are often losses.

At that time, I found a strange peace while doing mundane everyday activities, like cleaning or removing the stalks from the green vegetables. My hands removed grass, weeds, or long hard stalks to stack in organized groups.

Why did I enjoy doing this activity, which was a chore? It gave my hands something to do; it helped me to finish a task while giving respite to my agonized heart, as my mind was free to wander from worry to wonder.

My heart cried but the spinach or whatever I was cleaning was getting ready. It did not stop life but helped me to go with flow.

It taught me the art of giving in without giving up, and it made me realize that lessons need to be experienced before learning happens.

The meditative quality of a repeated activity is therapeutic. It leads to contemplation, which has a cathartic effect that makes you calm while setting a rhythm in the chaotic mind.

Life unfolds at its pace, and we need to go with the flow. Attachment and detachment are the two points where we oscillate as a pendulum. Wisdom dawns at this stage. (more…)

March 12, 2013
When Efficiency Isn’t Efficient: The Shortest Path Isn’t Always Best

“There is more to life than increasing its speed.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

“The shortest path between two points is a straight line.” That comes straight out of my eighth grade geometry textbook and if you can’t trust math, what can you trust?

That pronouncement rang my chime. It put words to an unspoken feeling I had had for a long time. What could be better, truer, or more perfect than the shortest path?

Kids Do the Darnedest Things

As a teenager, I started putting in place “straight lines” in my life everywhere I could impose them. I got out of bed at the exact moment that would allow me to get cleaned up, dressed, fed, and off to class in the least amount of time necessary. It annoyed me to be even a few minutes early and terrified me to be late.

I scheduled every moment of every day. I couldn’t stand an unplanned minute; I had to predetermine it all in advance.

Now you might be thinking that I must have been one of those overly serious, driven, humorless kids. Not so. I partied with the best of them. But even that partying was all on schedule.

I started going to college when I was just sixteen years old and still in high school. I had college in the morning and high school in the afternoon. No problem, I had it all mapped out.

Of course that was just school. I worked too. I had a job after school part-time as a computer programmer. After that, I worked at a McDonald’s, closing five nights a week.

Then I went out with my friends, then I came home and studied, then I slept for three or four hours. And then I did it all over again the next day.

You probably see where this is headed. I thought I was being efficient and mature. After all, I worked hard and studied hard. I was reliable and diligent. I was the life of the party and seemed to have boundless energy.

But one day, I just couldn’t muster the will go to work after school. I asked my mom to call in sick for me and I went to bed at 3:00 in the afternoon. I woke up 26 hours later, the next day at 5:00 in the afternoon. (more…)

March 11, 2013
Have Faith That Slowing Down Will Be Good for You

“It’s not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?” ~Henry David Thoreau

Four years ago, I couldn’t relax to save my life. The ability to slow down completely eluded me. I could start a company, train a pit bull, or hike 12 miles, but I sucked at taking a day off.

Looking back, I now know that I was terrified. I was certain that if I slowed down I would never get going again. “My ‘to do’ list will fall apart! My friends and clients will be angry with me! My life will come crashing down around me!” screamed my brain as I imagined every catastrophe possible.

These fears kept me running at 100% all the time—until I crashed. My life ran in “full-speed then crash” cycles. My brain and body would just shut down because I wasn’t taking care of myself.

I had to learn to slow down. I began to occasionally take a little time off here and there, and to my surprise my “relaxing” time was miserable. During this new downtime, I would be flooded with powerful emotions that my busy schedule kept away.

The quiet time allowed the things I was running from to catch up with me. At the same time, the things I was running toward seemed like they slipped further from me. Slowing down was terrible!

Except that it was necessary. I built an on-off switch into my life that I could control, and bit by bit, I began to enjoy my life more. Emotions would come and I had time to listen.

Some days slowing down meant having 12 hours of work and activities instead of 14. Sometimes it meant numbing out with television when my brain and body needed to rest. I began to realize that no one was asking me to slow down drastically, just a little at a time. (more…)

March 11, 2013
Uncover Hidden Emotions: What’s Really Pushing Your Buttons and Why?

“When you judge another, you do not define them. You define yourself.” ~Wayne Dyer

Lately, I’ve been confronted by envy. It’s one of those negative emotions that I used to avoid taking credit for.

“I really am happy for everyone,” I would tell potential mates and friends.” And I thought I meant it.

Instead of feeling envious, which was impossible since I didn’t do envy, I would feel an ambiguous sense of dislike for the person.

My elementary school best friend who went on to become a Miss America contender? I made up a story that she was being “fake” by parading around wearing too much makeup. I wanted to be happy for her, but it was too hard.

There’s another young woman I didn’t like, too. She’s a bestselling author and spiritual teacher who is adored by millions and actually looks cute delivering love from the universe. Why didn’t I like her?

I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, so I made up another story about how something wasn’t in alignment and I didn’t trust her integrity.

And the hardest to admit, I suddenly didn’t like an acquaintance I’d known since high school when she started hanging out with a guy I liked. You’d think I could put it all together, but my mind wouldn’t let me see the truth.

Since this feeling of dislike was subtle and ambiguous, it slipped past my internal radar.

There’s not doubt you see my pattern, though. What I masked with disdain was really a crown of envy.

I was unable to admit to myself that I wanted what these women had. (more…)

March 10, 2013
Getting to Know Yourself, What You Like, and What You Want in Life

“Be yourself; everyone is already taken” ~Oscar Wilde

In some ways, it may seem counterintuitive to have to learn to know yourself. Surely that should be a given, right? Not necessarily.

While our experiences clearly helped shape us into the people we are today, this does not mean that we necessarily know who we really are—what we are passionate about and what we want from life.

Since we were tiny, we’ve developed beliefs and values, some good and some not so good, as a result of our environment and the pressure from society to conform.

When I was younger, I associated academic achievement and fitting into a group with my self-worth.

Having an older sister who was academically superior to me made me feel worthless and led to issues with low self-esteem.

I was so paranoid about being liked that I would often force myself to attend school even when I was incredibly ill, in case friends decided they no longer wanted me in their group.

In retrospect, this all sounds incredibly irrational, but at the time it made perfect sense. Despite the emotional turmoil I constantly experienced, school became a symbol of familiarity.

I thought that if I worked hard and got into a good university, everything would finally fall into place.

So I worked extremely hard, achieved good grades, and got an offer to study at Cambridge University. I had proven to everyone else that I was intelligent, but this “proof” seemed strangely hollow.

Despite thinking that all these achievements would make me feel better, I felt numb. This was what I had wanted, and yet I still wasn’t happy. I started thinking there was something wrong with me. (more…)

March 7, 2013
Determine What Will Make You Happy by Identifying Your Values

“Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one’s values.” ~Ayn Rand

For too many years, I played the part of the perfect little southern girl: I kept my mouth shut and my opinions to myself. I dressed properly, including panty hose, slips, and girdles. I didn’t laugh too loudly in public. I did what I was told.

You see, I learned at an early age that I had to do this in order to always be seen as a “good little girl” (and avoid getting punished). I continued the same behavior after I got married, doing what my husband expected of me and keeping up the appearances of a perfect life behind a white picket fence.

I was a mental and emotional chameleon, changing my viewpoints and values to match first those of my parents and then those of my husband. Secretly, inside myself, I had my own dreams and opinions, ideas, and desires. Eventually I realized that in order to be happy, I needed to learn to live outside the box of my upbringing.

When I began to explore my heart’s desires, to find myself through travel, and to see what felt right and wrong to my heart and soul, my life blossomed. I had finally begun creating a life that I loved on my own terms.

Last fall, one of my mentors asked me, “What are your values?” I have to confess that I was stumped. Those on-the-surface questions are really much deeper than they first seem. I’m a coach. I’m a writer. I’m a thinker. It should be easy to answer.

From experience, I knew that if my first response to a question was “I don’t know,” then I was telling myself a little white lie. Somewhere within my heart was the answer, but I hadn’t really explored it.

What Are Values?

We all have them—they are as ingrained within us as our blood types or preference for sweet or salty foods. But have you actually defined them? I’m not talking about morals, which are defined by society.

Values are who you are, not who you think you should be in order to fit in. (more…)

March 7, 2013
Surviving and Thriving: 3 Lessons About Dealing with Hard Times

“Your current safe boundaries were once unknown frontiers.” ~Unknown

Lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV and massive machines, I seriously considered the possibility that I was having a nightmare. Everything felt so surreal.

At 22 years old, my life was full of promise and potential. I had recently graduated from college and it was a time of beginnings. I was living in Manhattan and had begun working in music publishing.

I had no idea that a late night trip to the emergency room due to a rapid heart rate would result in a weeklong hospitalization.

When extreme, unexpected, life changing, or scary things happen, how can we not only survive them but also grow from the experience?

1. Embrace the situation you’re in.

I was in the emergency room when the doctor gravely told me this was serious. My thyroid was pumping out gigantic quantities of thyroid hormone, leading to a potentially fatal thyroid storm. I was wheeled upstairs and admitted to the “step down” unit, one step down in care from ICU.

Hearing the doctor’s extreme words, I was shocked into inaction. I was so taken off guard that fighting or fleeing didn’t even cross my mind. I simply stayed where I was, lying on the bed, and prepared myself to accept this crazy situation and cope with whatever happened next. (more…)

March 6, 2013
Getting Back Up After You Fall & Healing from Depression

“The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.” ~Theodore Rubin

Growing up I was a thoughtful and happy kid—carefree, easy going, not afraid to make mistakes and take on challenges.

Just before I turned thirteen, my parents moved our family halfway across the world where we knew no one.

I adjusted well, made friends, and felt content and successful in my pursuit of whatever I decided was worth pursuing. I was strong and confident. I worked hard, laughed easily and often, and felt as if I had the good life all figured out.

Then shortly after I turned twenty-five a severe depressive episode hit me like a ton of bricks. Looking back, I can see how it came about, how several traumatic events stacked upon themselves until I finally collapsed under their weight, but at the time I felt annihilated, ploughed over, and destroyed virtually overnight.

I spent the next nine months steeped in profound physical, emotional, and mental anguish.

The shame was the worst part.

Despite years of evidence to the contrary, when I couldn’t get myself off the couch for months, when I couldn’t enjoy any activity, and when I couldn’t smile genuinely at anyone or anything, I truly thought that this was my actual self, my real personality—that I was boring, unmotivated, useless, a loser, an anomaly; that I was weak, and that all of this was my fault.

Essentially, depression lies to you—about everything. And when you are used to trusting your thoughts and being self assured and confident, it takes a long time to realize that the torrent of negativity in your brain may not be an accurate representation of reality.

It’s hard not to trust your thoughts and it’s hard to sit and mull over what is true and what isn’t, but it’s an important exercise, even you only do it in small doses at first.

There is a light in you that never goes out. (more…)

March 6, 2013
You Are Lovable Whether You Are in a Relationship or Not

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

I began this New Year as a single woman, something I had not experienced for the past five.

Last June my boyfriend of nearly three years dropped this bomb on my world:

“Carmen, I know you want to spend the rest of your life with me, but I can’t give that to you, because I’m gay.”

The future I’d created for us in my mind disappeared all at once.

I was sure I was getting an engagement ring last year and we’d be having our wedding sometime around now. As the revelation sank in, a dark cloud formed over my heart as I realized I was back to square one.

All the things that were so easy and comfortable in this relationship had gone down the drain. I never imagined I’d have to go through another awkward first date or kiss. I was starting over.

As per usual, it took only a week for me to move back home to North Carolina and meet someone new. I thought, “This is the reason he broke up with you. Here is the one you are supposed to be with.”

I fell hard and fast, and even though this boy treated me like a mere option, he was my priority. I gave and gave until he dumped me in a text message on Thanksgiving.

Meanwhile, I was also falling for my best friend, who couldn’t have been less interested in a romantic relationship with me.

I give all this background information to show you that my heart was pulled in many directions. I gave pieces of myself to different men, and there was hardly anything left of me for me.

Over the past few months, each time I was rejected, I thought, “You’re unlovable.” However, this could not be further from the truth.

For the first time in five years, right now, I am completely content being single. (more…)

March 5, 2013