Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • Making Tough Decisions: 7 Steps to Hear Your Own Inner Wisdom

    Making Tough Decisions: 7 Steps to Hear Your Own Inner Wisdom

    Thinking

    “Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.” ~ Cicero

    “I don’t know what to do.” “I can’t figure it out.” “How do I know which choice to make?” “Which one is right for me?”

    Sound like someone you know? Here’s one thing I know for sure: You’ve got the power. You’ve got the love.

    You’ve got the innate talent—you gorgeous, loveable soul—to know without a doubt what is right for you. You’ve got the power to know what to do, to figure it out, to know which choice to make. Your soul is calling. And all you need to do is listen.

    At one time not so long ago my innate talent was ignoring my soul. I had developed an acute ability for lasering ahead no matter what my essential self was saying—even when it was “Wrong way!”

    I set goals and made plans and went for it no matter what—and soon I was a stressed-out, exhausted insomniac. So that was fun.

    In fact, fun was exactly what was missing from my life. I put external touchstones ahead of inner happiness. I let my ego tell me what to do, based on what I thought the standards for success were.

    I bought into the mantra: Work, work, work and then work more. You can enjoy your life when you’re retired. It was no wonder my entire system went into revolt; it’s no wonder our systems do that. They’re designed to tell us when we’re off track.

    They’re designed to tell us when we’re on track, too. It’s like magic—except scientifically-proven. The verbal part of our brain processes about forty bits of information per second. That’s pretty impressive.

    The non-verbal part of our brain processes about eight to eleven million bits of information per second. Eight to eleven million!

    That means that the thoughts we hear from the verbal part of our brain actually know less than the physical sensations and emotions that we feel coming from the non-verbal part of our brain.

    So if “I don’t want to make this one choice but everyone tells me I should” seems logical, but every physical sensation or emotion about it just feels so wrong, it probably is. Wrong, that is.

    Wondering how to tap into your own innate talent for knowing how to live the life that’s right for you and be who you want to be? Start small.

    7 Steps for Hearing Your Own Inner Wisdom

    1. Start small.

    Begin with simply noticing physical sensations. Check in with your body from time to time. What physical sensations are you noticing right now?

    2. Fine tune.

    Once you start to check in with your body, you’ll probably also notice emotions, and associations with whether or not the emotions you’re feeling are good or bad. It’s normal—but in this case it’s not all that helpful. Keep on fine-tuning your radar until you’re paying attention to only physical sensations.

    3. Benchmark your “yes.”

    Make a list of times that you knew things were right for you, or felt that things were exactly as they were meant to be, really great, going well, etc. Then do a body scan: What physical sensations do you feel? Write ‘em down and then label them.

    4. Benchmark your “no.”

    Make a list of times that you knew things were not right for you, or felt that things were not as they were meant to be, not going great or well, etc. Then do a body scan: What physical sensations do you feel? Write ‘em down and then label them.

    5. Practice.

    You’ve just created your body compass. Using it is fun. Orange or apple? Imagine making each choice and then see what physical sensations come up—closer to “yes” or closer to “no”?

    6. Trust.

    The verbal part of your brain might come up with all sorts of reasons why you shouldn’t trust your body compass. Practicing on the little things helps to build up enough trust to use it on the big decisions.

    7. Live it in the moment.

    Once you’ve got your compass down pat, keep on using it. Living it in the moment is about remembering your innate talent for knowing, and using it with reckless abandon and firm intention.

    What’s your inner wisdom telling you?

    Photo by mynameisharsha

  • 4 Conscious Choices to Stay Balanced and Happy When You’re Busy

    4 Conscious Choices to Stay Balanced and Happy When You’re Busy

    “Happiness is not a matter of intensity, but of balance, order, rhythm, and harmony.” ~Thomas Merton

    I’m not someone who enjoys busyness or sees it as a sign of importance. In fact, I’ve often sacrificed money and opportunities to have more time to watch movies, roam around my neighborhood, and generally live life at a slow pace.

    This is the way I most enjoy experiencing my days—by creating space to just be. And I find this supports my passion as a writer, since it allows me abundant opportunities to play, explore, and expand my understanding of the world and my place within it.

    But I’ve also noticed that I formerly limited myself in response to underlying fears and limiting beliefs, and then justified it with my fondness for free time.

    Whenever I received an opportunity to do something that would stretch my comfort zone, I reminded myself how hectic my schedule would be if I said yes.

    Whenever I considered doing something new that I feared might fail (or might succeed, giving me more responsibility), I reminded myself that I was already meeting my needs, so it would probably be best to just keep doing what I was doing.

    Essentially, I allowed myself to believe I had only one healthy motivation for not growing in new directions; and while this did support my priorities and preferences, it also created a sense of stagnation.

    So this year I decided to challenge those limiting beliefs and fears. I started redefining myself beyond the safe roles of writer and free spirit, and recognized that I could actually be happier for trying new things and taking more risks.

    While I know the choice was ultimately positive for me, I’ve struggled a little in the execution.

    I’ve overwhelmed my schedule with projects—including the recent redesign/forum launch, a new book on self-love, and my first ever eCourse.

    I’ve tried to do more on my own than I feasibly can—from reading and editing an ever-growing number of monthly blog submissions, to mentoring new writers, to handling all aspects of the site’s daily operations, to maintaining a freelance job writing for ‘tween girls.

    And in the process, I’ve sacrificed some of my needs and priorities, including exercise and relaxation.

    I’ve swung the pendulum from calm to chaos, and I’ve left myself little time and space to discover the middle ground between holding myself back and pushing myself.

    I’m now in the process of adjusting to this decision to do new things, and I’ve realized it requires four conscious choices:

    • Recognizing my non-negotiable needs and prioritizing them
    • Setting realistic expectations about what I can do and what I can’t
    • Regularly checking in with myself to ensure my choices support my intentions
    • Learning from my emotions instead of reacting to them

    If you’re also adjusting to a busier lifestyle—whether you’re working toward a dream or taking on new responsibilities at work or at home—these tips may help:

    1. Recognize your non-negotiable needs.

    Write down the top two or three things you need to do daily for your emotional well-being, your physical health, and your sense of balance. Include the bare minimum you could do to meet these, and ideal times. For me, that includes:

    Emotional well-being

    • Daily meditation and/or deep breathing (five minutes after waking up)
    • Journaling (five minutes before going to sleep)

    Physical health

    • Daily exercise, even if just a walk outside (ten minutes around lunch time)
    • Consistent sleep (eight hours—doable if I’m more efficient instead of wasting time online)

    Sense of balance

    • Time to relax and unwind (a half-hour bath at night)
    • Time to play (a half-hour of something fun at night, preferably with someone else)

    You’ve now established the bare minimum for your needs and created a plan to meet them. Even meeting the minimum might be hard. It might require you to ask for help or say no to certain requests. Think of it as saying yes to your happiness.

    2. Set realistic expectations about what you can and can’t do.

    I have a habit of making a schedule based on what I want to accomplish and then feeling disappointed in myself if I don’t meet that.

    My schedule doesn’t often leave room for the unexpected, which could encompass tasks taking longer than I anticipated they would, or new opportunities coming up, personally or professionally.

    If you’re striving to meet your boss’s expectations, you may have less leeway in being flexible. But when it comes to the arbitrary deadlines we set for ourselves, we have the power to release the pressure.

    I often worry that deviations from my plan mean I’m losing control and decreasing the odds of doing what I set out to do. This actually sets me up for failure.

    When I worry about what I’m not doing, I’m not focused on what I am. And that’s what’s enabled me to do things well in the past: not perfect adherence to a schedule, but focus and immersion in the process.

    A better approach is to set a plan, do what we can, and then adjust as we go. Whatever we can’t comfortably fit in a day will just have to wait.

    3. Regularly check in with yourself to ensure your choices are supporting your intentions.

    I’ve found some contradictions in my recent mode of operating, including:

    • I try to do everything myself because this site means so much to me, and I fear delegating responsibility to someone who may not care quite as much. The consequence: I’m sometimes stretched too thin to give everything the care it deserves.
    • I’m taking on new projects because I know I’ll be happier for stretching myself, but I’ve deprioritized a lot of the other things that make me happy.

    In recognizing these contradictions, I’m able to adjust accordingly.

    I can challenge the belief that tells me I need to do everything myself, and seek help (which I’ve recently done). I can create a better balance between working toward future joy and creating joy in the process.

    Take the time to check in what you really want—not just some day down the road, but in your everyday experience in the world. If you recognize you’re not enabling that, make tiny adjustments where you can.

    4. Learn from your emotions instead of reacting to them.

    When we’re doing something new, our emotions run the full gamut, from excitement to fear, eagerness to anxiety, and countless shades in between.

    Some of these feelings are natural consequences of stretching our comfort zone, but other times they’re indicators about what’s not working and what we need to change.

    I’ve learned to stop whenever I’m feeling something overwhelming and ask myself these four questions:

    • What led up to this?
    • Is this feeling a response to ignoring a need, pushing myself too hard, expecting too much of myself, or somehow treating myself without kindness and compassion?
    • Is this a feeling I could release by coming back to the present moment (like worry about the future) or is it something with a lesson for me (like feeling overwhelmed because I need help, or anxious because I need a break)?
    • If there’s a lesson, what can I do or change to apply it?

    When we learn from our emotions, they become less overpowering and we become more present, more balanced, and more effective.

    —

    A while back, I wondered if the days of leisurely strolls were over, now that I’ve chosen to do a lot more. Then I realized that’s up to me. There is a grey area between underachieving and overachieving where growth and presence are both possible.

    Finding that space is about making conscious choices. I know what those are for me. What are the choices that help you?

  • Get Past It Instead of Getting Even: Revenge Isn’t Winning

    Get Past It Instead of Getting Even: Revenge Isn’t Winning

    “For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    The first thing many of us think of after someone has wronged or disrespected us is how to get even—how to hand out a dose of that person’s own medicine in an attempt to feel totally vindicated.

    Most of us have thought about revenge at one point or another.

    Maybe it’s a co-worker, a classmate, a family member, or even a boyfriend or girlfriend, but regardless of the relationship it’s often an instinctive reaction when someone attacks the deepest, most fragile part of ourselves

    Does this really accomplish anything positive?

    We might gain some personal, though temporary satisfaction, but it does little to ease the pain others have inflicted upon us.

    I recently received an unexpected email. While the sender was certainly a surprise, the content of the message and its motivation were not.

    The sender was my father, and in what has become my parents’ only way of communicating with me over the last few years, it was a familiar message filled with anger, blame, and defensiveness.

    Though this wasn’t the first time my parents had defamed me in this way, it still saddened me for much of the next few days.

    Children, especially adolescents, are known for “mouthing off” to their parents while growing up, but it’s hard to imagine this coming from someone who taught you that this was disrespectful.

    My relationship with my parents has become difficult to maintain as a free-thinking adult.

    I suppose some might say that we should always forgive family members for their faults, especially parents.

    But regardless of the relation, at some point you grow tired of others not telling the entire truth; tired of having to defend yourself; tired of being referred to as the cause of someone else’s issues.  

    Growing up I had a great deal of respect for my parents. They provided for all of my worldly needs, taught me invaluable lessons and skills, and maintained a true sense of family and tradition within the walls of our home.

    Yet something was missing for me, as I was burdened by an inner need to always seek my parents’ approval and acceptance, which rendered me incredibly insecure and anxious growing up.

    Eventually, I became completely dependent on them for emotional stability and continual guidance. I didn’t love and trust myself enough to be the keeper of myself, so I allowed my parents to fill that role for me.

    As I evolved into an adult, found someone who loved me without conditions, and began to develop a deep appreciation for the person I was, I realized I no longer needed the family dynamic that I was so dependent on for so long.

    My parents, however, had a difficult time understanding that I was no longer that insecure, anxious, easily manipulated little boy trying to find his place in the world. I was now an adult, ready to chart his own course.

    We started arguing regularly, and many times rather than deal with the repercussions, I would just say I was sorry and return to how our relationship had always been.

    This dynamic continued on for many years until one day I offered my opinion and perspective on a complex, delicate matter they were considering. I questioned their motivation and feared the possible outcome, and thought voicing my concern would be appreciated.

    I was truly stunned by their reaction.

    Letters, emails, character attacks—they even posted hateful comments on a newspaper’s website I contributed to frequently, dragging my name through the proverbial mud in an effort to convince people that I wasn’t the man I proclaimed to be.

    I never expected something so heinous from my own parents. I was so taken aback, hurt and angry that my first thought was how to get back at them—to do a little mud-slinging of my own in an attempt at destroying their character, just as they had done to mine.

    Then I stumbled upon the following quote, and suddenly everything I thought I understood changed.

    “An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.” ~Gandhi

    How could I possibly be so naïve to believe that seeking revenge on my own parents would make my actions any better than theirs, let alone change the course of what had already been done?

    My revenge would only keep the wound open longer, perpetuating my bitterness and squandering my time on something I couldn’t change. Though never easy, acceptance is key in putting the pain behind you and moving forward with your life.

    I began to ask myself: Will I find any inner solace by propagating my anger? If I succeed at getting even, will it really change my reality? Does it make me the better person to do to them what they’ve done to me?

    As difficult as it was, instead of arguing and trying to defend myself, I simply said nothing. No replies, no rebuttals, no communication, nothing to engage us in the kind of negative confrontations we were accustomed to.

    I’ve learned that living without the drama that so many people thrive on is the only way to live a meaningful life.

    I’m far from perfect and those feelings of retribution still creep up now and then, especially when I get an email or letter as I did the other day. But each time the thought pops into my head, I begin to realize something:

    Regardless of how justified you might believe you are in seeking your revenge, it’s important to remember that life isn’t a game and simply getting even doesn’t mean you’ve won the battle; it just means you’ve lost your self-respect.

    It’s taken me a while to accept that I probably will never see my parents again. Yes, there will be times when I miss the family unit I remember from when I was a little boy; but then I’m forced to remind myself that things will never be as they were again.

    It saddens me that my parents are missing out on getting to know the man I truly am, instead of the insecure, anxious little boy they’re convinced still exists.

    In truth, I would not be the person I am today without them—a person of character and integrity who’s managed to touch the lives of many, even theirs I’m sure.

    In my heart I forgive them for everything that’s gone on, and the peace that provides me is much greater than the fleeting satisfaction of seeking revenge.

    Though it might seem impossible, even the bad things that happen in life have a funny way of leading us to a better place. At least, they did for me.

    Photo by joybot

  • How the Need to Be Right Can Lead to Guilt and Regret

    How the Need to Be Right Can Lead to Guilt and Regret

    Sitting Together

    “The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.” ~Ralph Blum

    I think we all have this issue: guilt, followed by its sister, regret.

    I didn’t realize how dark a blemish it was on my heart until I fully felt the anguish of my mother’s death. I never quite realized my full potential, courage, or strength until her passing.

    Her greatest sacrifice, leaving this earth, proved to be my greatest motivation to search myself for the answer of whom I was and why; it was the major catalyst in my life for change.

    Sometimes the best things for you are the hardest.

    Admitting the darkness you’re carrying inside is one of the hardest things to do. Convincing yourself that you have been wrong and need to change can be even harder.

    Forgiving yourself because you are human, and loving yourself enough to know you deserve more, and deserve to give others more, is the hardest task of them all.

    I was an embittered person almost my whole life. I could hold a grudge with the best of them. I felt I had a lot to be resentful for, and truthfully, much of it was not unwarranted. But with my inability to never let go of things, I was miserable, making everyone else around me miserable, as well.

    This went far beyond just being angry. I felt I was being terribly misunderstood and never heard. I also felt the constant need to have to defend myself and my views with a strong argument.

    I had a very strained relationship with my mother starting when I was 14. I was at that age when I thought my parents knew nothing and I was smarter than they were.

    I can now fully understand why I felt that way, beyond just normal teenage rebellion. I was projecting a lot of my older siblings’ perceived unpleasant experiences with my parents onto my own, and letting that determine my relationship with them.

    There was a lot of friction between them, and I somehow felt that if I didn’t share their same resentment I was somehow betraying them.

    Because of this, I went through my youth and into my adulthood expecting my mom to give more than she could and blaming her, instead of blaming myself for not having enough compassion and never taking the time to understand that she was a person, too.

    I seemed to always be aggravated at everything she did.

    I held onto the need to be right, never letting up and always needing to argue. I grew into this person who could never listen with a compassionate heart and lived with resentment instead of love, kindness, and forgiveness.

    I was very hard-hearted instead of soft and pliable and forgiving.

    We would have bouts of calm when we got along great, then something would shift in her mood or mine and it would turn volatile. I see now that, because we were so much alike, it caused much of that friction. This went on for our whole relationship, up until just a couple of years before she died.

    I’m not saying she was without her faults, too. But now that she’s gone, and since I am much older, I can see everything so much clearer. That’s where the guilt comes in.

    We had been working on our relationship, though we didn’t acknowledge that openly, and we were really making headway. You see, I couldn’t even hug her, hadn’t done since I was a kid. But I was getting closer to her and hugging her more because I knew she needed it, and so did I.

    My great wall was crumbling.

    We had always done things together for years, not that that stopped the bickering. But that was all but over for a long while. Not long enough, though. And this is where the regret comes in.

    I wasted so much time being angry and self-righteous that I missed out on having a better relationship with my mother.

    If I had only known then what I have learned in the last few years and especially since her death, I could have saved myself the burden of that guilt and regret.

    There are so many moments each day where I will have a memory of us together and I will feel shame for the way I reacted to a situation. In my mind I can change the outcome to something that I should have done to handle the situation better.

    When she would be difficult, and she could be at times, why did I have to make it worse? Why couldn’t I have just stayed calm and had compassion for her feelings instead of getting overwhelmed and lashing out?

    I was incapable of doing that at the time because it’s hard to do when you are totally unconscious. You act before you think, lash out before you embrace.

    Oh, how I wish I had known this calm before it was too late! I think about the agony I could be saving myself now, and I am filled with remorse. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can save yourself from the pain that I am trying to overcome.

    All it takes is a step in the right direction.

    It is so important to put your prideful ego aside and try the softer way. Ask yourself these three questions:

    1. Will it destroy me to “give in,” take the barriers down, and not have to be right all of the time? 

    When you “give in” it is not to lie down and be trampled on, but to slow down and reflect on what’s most important. The egotistical need to be right is what will ultimately destroy you. It leaves no room for compromise or compassion for another’s feelings, and will cause you more damage in the long run.

    2. Is it worth it to be right, making the argument more important than making someone else happy?

    When you constantly reinforce to the people in your life that you value your own opinions more than their feelings, it can cause a lot of hurt. Why not take the higher road and save the moment by saving your voice?

    3. Will my actions now cause me pain and regret later? 

    My biggest lesson learned was that, if I had only known then what I know now, I could have prevented so much grief.

    I wish I had had more generosity in my heart at that time. I wish I knew how to pause and let myself have that moment to feel the clarity that I needed to make a better choice in how I handled the situation at hand.

    I know that, when she did things that I considered unforgivable, it’s because she didn’t know any better and was only doing the best she knew how at that time, as was I.

    I am so grateful that I have learned these lessons now so that I can have the opportunity to live this way from here on out. I’m a big believer in things happening for a reason, and though I don’t quite know how to justify this one, I thank my mother every day for her sacrifice in that in losing her, I gained the greatest insight.

    I just wished I’d learned these lessons sooner.

    Photo by Kevin Krejci

  • Reconnect with Your Authentic Self Instead of Denying Your Feelings

    Reconnect with Your Authentic Self Instead of Denying Your Feelings

    “I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures.” ~Lao Tzu

    I recently took seven weeks off of work and rented a place in Laguna Beach.

    The trip was meant to be a relaxing vacation and possibly a change of residence; it turned out to be a wakeup call.

    I started the trip out by going on my first date since 2010. The pollen count was high, and my sinuses were none too happy. I’m still not sure if it was being on a date or the medication that triggered so much anxiety; maybe it was a combination of both.

    Later that evening, as I replayed the day in my mind, old insecurities came to the surface. That feeling of not being good enough engulfed my being.

    I just smiled, shook my head, and thought to myself, “Really? Does this still ring true for you?”

    The answer was no. But it still came up, so I had to explore it further. So I spent the next two and a half weeks in a battle with the Southern California Pollen Count and my inner self-worth issues.

    Most of my life had been controlled by an underlying sense of anxiety.

    In my teen years and throughout most of my twenties, I numbed it with drugs and alcohol. In 2005, after I celebrated my first year of sobriety, I started to really explore this feeling. I signed up for hundreds of newsletters, spent many hours in the Dana Point Library, and purchased over 100 books that year alone.

    I read, listened, and put into practice anything that came across my path.

    The movie “The Secret” spoke to part of me, and books from Deepak Chopra, Ester and Jerry Hicks, and countless others made me temporarily feel as if it were going to be okay.

    I wanted so badly to just be happy, to be able to really look into the mirror and like what I saw.

    By April 2009, I thought I had it all figured out. My goal-setting exercises were bringing my desires to fruition, my body was as healthy as it has ever been, and my love life was what I had always dreamed it would be.

    A few months later it all fell apart. I found myself again back to square one. It didn’t make sense and all I wanted was to know was: What part of this equation was missing?

    My mission to figure it out was renewed, and the way my life has unfolded since has been a long, strange trip indeed.

    Looking back at my self-education is partially humorous and equally frustrating.

    I now find it humorous that I worked so hard to “fix” something that wasn’t actually broken.

    I find it a bit frustrating to have consumed so much information that perpetuated this seemingly endless cycle of self-help stupidity.

    Two very popular self-help ideals come to my mind.

    1. “You just have to be positive.”

    This may be worst thing you can say to someone who is depressed and sees no way out of it.

    You read books on “how to attract everything you ever want in life.” You understand that positive thinking leads to positive results. Just when you start making progress, something happens and you feel frustrated or angry.

    You find yourself upset at yourself for being upset. You think, “Why can’t I just be happy? What’s wrong with me?” The depression deepens.

    Listen, you don’t have to be positive all the time.

    It’s okay if you get upset or don’t feel happy every waking moment.

    Before you can cultivate a positive mindset, you must first honor where you are and the journey that brought you here. Our general outlook on life is a mixture of genetics and experience. Some reactions are very deeply engrained and will take a concentrated effort over time to change.

    You’re not broken if you can’t see the silver lining, which is why this next bit of wisdom needs another look.

    2. “Just fake it until you make it.”

    It’s a catchy saying, but horrible advice.

    The feelings you have present in your life are valid. The act of faking it is an act of denial, which can have some really negative effects on your psyche.

    You can’t fake your way out of sadness and depression.

    You can put on a happy face, and to some degree it will change your mood. But, during those times when you take away distractions and you have to sit alone with yourself, the act of faking it will make you feel like you’re crawling out of your own skin.

    I didn’t realize that faking it perpetuated anxiety.

    Being really comfortable with myself didn’t actually happen until I began to just sit still on a regular basis.

    At first it was overwhelming; anxiety turned to frustration, to anger and rage, and finally to shame. I felt cracked wide open, exposed and raw.

    The feeling really sucked and it lasted for almost six months.

    But I sat with it. I owned it, and in that space of raw vulnerability I stopped faking it. For the first time in my life it felt okay to be me.

    There is a real power in authenticity.

    It is an act of love to honor where you are right now.

    From my experience with sitting in my own stuff came my life as a writer. My first book followed and my newsletter audience grew.

    Yet, with all that I’ve studied and think I know I still found myself experiencing that old worn out feeling of “you’re just not ever going to be enough.”

    So, how did I find myself in Laguna Beach overwhelmed and feeling less than worthy of love and affection?

    Well, that was actually pretty easy for me to discover. You see, I’m an avid note taker and list maker. It only took a few hours to sort through my 2012 notes to see that I had only half been walking my talk.

    My practice of meditation had taken a backseat to my “trying to achieve things.”

    My practice of mindfulness had eroded; evening meals were consumed along with DVDs and Facebook noise-feeds.

    Three months of sunsets went unseen.

    My reverence for the present moment had once again been lost while my mind searched for fulfillment in the future; the result of which was the rise of my existential anxiety.

    A Simple Plan to Reconnect with Your Authentic Self

    • Still your body and mind. Commit to just five minutes of meditation and build your practice from there.
    • Maintain focused attention on your breathing and honor the task at hand.
    • Witness your reactions to get to the core reasons behind your emotional response.
    • Take time each evening to write down little moments of gratitude, love, and awe that happened throughout your day.
    • Remind yourself that you have nowhere else to be other than where you are right now.

    From my experience thus far the first part of the plan is the most powerful; science backs up that claim. That’s why I am building my daily sitting meditation.

    My dream is to see more authenticity in this world.

    My belief is that this will lead to more compassion, which in turn will lead to more change.

    How about you? Want to change the world too?

    Then please join me by spending just a little bit of time doing absolutely nothing, every day for the rest of your life.

    Who’s in!? Tell me you’re with me!

    Photo by sierragoddess

  • 5 Ways Meditation Can Improve Your Life and Make You Happier

    5 Ways Meditation Can Improve Your Life and Make You Happier

    Meditation

    “If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.” ~Lao Tzu

    For most of my life I had the overwhelming feeling that I was lacking something. I felt like I was not good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough.

    I was nothing but an unattractive, chubby girl of little worth. In my late twenties I formed a huge crush that changed my life, for the worse, or so I thought. Against my will, I developed an unbelievable attraction to women. I was horrified!

    Being gay was the cherry on top of my pile of shortcomings. This new realization confirmed the belief that my life would be nothing but disappointment, and it totally crushed the little self-esteem that I had.

    In spite of my overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, I took the scary steps of falling in love and coming out to family and friends, with positive results.

    Even though my fears of judgment and rejection were proven to be fabrications, I was still unable to shake the negative loop that repeated: “You are not good enough. You will fail. You are a disappointment.”

    I convinced myself that any happiness that I experienced was momentary and would be gone in a flash. So when my relationship ended in heartbreak, I was able to bask in the glory of being right.

    My negativity was justified. My feelings of worthlessness were correct. I gave myself permission to be miserable, to struggle in the dark caves of depression, to continue to live in fear.

    But then one day a miracle happened, even with my negative mantra playing loudly in my head: “Loser. Failure. Disappointment.” Even over the deafening chants of pessimism, I heard a whisper: “You can change this.”

    I knew that my life needed changing, but I had no idea how to achieve this. I wanted to find the happiness that I felt belonged to everyone else. I yearned for the elusive joy that kept slipping through my fingers. I was determined to find it and claim it.

    I tried superficial ways of being happy; you know, the methods that my favorite TV characters used to deal with heartache: I shopped, I redecorated, I adopted a kitten, thinking surely these things would bring me joy. And they did, but it was fleeting.

    Next, I tried psychic readings, life coaching, and finally therapy. It was through therapy that I started a meditation class and my life really began to open up. The veil of depression lifted; I felt lighter and optimistic.

    Finally, through the regular practice of meditation, I learned that happiness can’t be brought, predicted, or achieved from outside sources. Happiness comes from the inside out.

    With this realization, meditation has changed my life in five significant ways.

    1. Meditation gives you a great start to your day.

    I am not a morning person. I am not one of those people who spring out of bed before the alarm chimes. I would hit the snooze button, pull the covers over my head, and pretend it was Saturday.

    Once the cruel hand of reality finally slapped me awake, the morning panic would start. Up in a flash, I’d be rushing to get dressed then out the door. I’d skip breakfast and I’d arrive to work late, creeping past the boss’s office.

    But now I wake up at 5:45am in order to meditate. Though I still have to forcibly drag myself from my warm cozy bed, once I sit on my meditation cushion I’m able to relax, breathe, and set my intention for the day.

    Meditation allows you to center yourself and reflect on the day ahead. By setting your intentions, you are able to shape your experiences and your reactions to events around you. It’s a daily reminder that you are in control of your life. You can choose the kind of day you will have.

    2. Meditation increases positivity.

    I practice Loving Kindness (Metta) Meditation. This type of meditation generates and projects loving and positive feelings/energy into the universe. That means sending love, understanding, and compassion to yourself, family, friends, and even strangers.

    I’ve found that spending an hour being positive has made me—wait for it—more positive. Hard to believe, I know, but it’s true.

    Our energy and actions are like boomerangs. If you put out negative energy, if that is what you focus on, that is what will continuously show up in your life, and that is all that you will be capable of seeing. But when you create positive feelings, everything you see seems to change.

    3. Meditation increases self-confidence.

    I have no empirical evidence, but I can say with confidence that as a result of meditation I now have some. Seeing the world in a positive light has resulted in me seeing myself in a positive way.

    I love myself for just being me. I don’t feel the need to pretend to be what I think others want me to be. I have learned that I am not required to chip away at my square-shaped self to fit into a round hole.

    Taking the time to see the world and yourself in a positive light increases self-confidence and confirms that there is a place where you fit, just as you are. There is no need to try to be something that you are not. Meditation is an opportunity to sit with the realization that you are enough.

    4. Meditation reduces anxiety.

    Meditation is about turning off the negative chatter that creates anxiety. It’s about breathing and letting go. By focusing on positive energy and thoughts, you are able to reduce the anxiety that you might be holding onto.

    Through meditation you can relax knowing that any time anxiety rears its ugly head, you have the tools to deal with it. Deep breaths and a quiet moment may be all that’s needed to calm anxious nerves.

    5. Meditation affords you a deeper connection with yourself.

    When I first started meditation, one of the most difficult things to do was to sit quietly with my own thoughts. I knew myself from the outside in, from the labels I wore like fashionable accessories, trying to be what I thought others expected of me.

    There was a disconnection between who I was and who I thought I should be. However, when you sit in silence without external distractions, your inner dialogue is difficult to ignore. The inner voice that tells the truth of who you are gets louder.

    Meditation has a way of making you more mindful of your thoughts, feelings, and sense of who you are. It’s easier to create a life of happiness if you are able to connect with your authentic self. It’s a way for you to get to know yourself, from the inside out.

    —

    You can easily incorporate meditation into your life. All you need is a quiet place to sit and a couple of uninterrupted minutes, and you can even use a guided meditation (there are tons of free ones online).

    The important thing is just to sit quietly without set expectations, free of self-judgment. There is no right or wrong way to do it.

    Don’t get me wrong; I’m not skipping around with my head in the clouds. There are days when I revert to my old thought patterns, allowing the negative mantra to cry out. But the difference is that now I am mindful of this and have the tools to deal with negativity more effectively.

    Five minutes of meditation can have a significant and lasting impact on your physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. It certainly has on mine.

  • Letting Go of Your Past Suffering to Feel Peaceful and Free

    Letting Go of Your Past Suffering to Feel Peaceful and Free

    “Letting go give us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I stood alone in what had been my childhood bedroom, staring at the dresser with a familiar discomfort. My fingers clutched at the handle of the second drawer from the top and pulled hard, straining from the weight of its contents.

    I reached in with both hands, the drawer with its quarter inch plywood base teetering dangerously on the edge of the frame, and lifted them out, one by one.

    Unicorns, fairies, rainbows, mystical maidens, all disappeared as I placed the journals into the cardboard box I’d asked my mother to bring to me.

    She watched wordlessly as I carried it through the house and to the front door, then said simply, “I have to say, I’m not sorry to see those go.”

    In that moment, my mother was keenly aware of something that had eluded me for most of my life. And now, at the age of 28, I was ready to let go of something I had always been attached to, something that had caused me so much pain throughout all of the years I had been writing in those journals: my former self.

    Writing has always come naturally to me. As an only child and a classic introvert, I found it far less intimidating to share my thoughts with a blank sheet of paper than with another human being. 

    I began to journal actively at the age of twelve, filling page after page each night with my tales of prepubescent woe.

    I continued this practice until I was halfway through college, dedicating over a dozen spiral-bound volumes to a verbose body of work seeking to prove my hypothesis that my existence was pointless and that nobody loved me.

    My writing habit was far more destructive than therapeutic. It was much easier to validate my own negative emotions than it was to challenge my perceptions, ask others for help, or work to make meaningful changes in my life.

    The more I wrote about my problems, the more I allowed them to consume me. My suffering became my identity, and I didn’t know who I was anymore without it. 

    During high school, I sunk into depression and surrounded myself with other deeply unhappy people. For four years, we alternated between bonding over how miserable we all were and turning against each other in predictable cycles of emotional manipulation and abuse.

    Every night, I sat alone in my room committing all of the day’s events to paper. I chose to not only relive these painful experiences, but to continually remind myself of them.

    Mercifully, high school is designed to end. When it finally did, I cut off connections to my high school friends, but the shame that had allowed me to form those friendships followed me to college.

    It graduated with me, accompanied me to work every morning, and multiplied exponentially after the end of my first long-term relationship at the age of 25.

    It would take three years of therapy and endless support from the loving souls I now choose to surround myself with for me to realize just how much of my own suffering I have caused.

    For the better part of my life, I have chosen to view the world through a negative lens. I have resigned myself to feeling like a victim of my circumstances, instead of applying that energy to changing my perception of them.

    That night, I carried the box of journals home with me, ripped the pages from their bindings, and fed them to my shredder in small digestible stacks. I forced myself to avoid the temptation of rereading what I had written, and returning to the past.

    Watching the brightly colored words slowly disappear between the blades, I felt no remorse, only a deep sense of freedom. Ten years of writing filled four garbage bags, and their last measurable impact on me was the trip I had to take to the dumpster.

    It took me 28 years to release the attachment I felt to my journals, but I’d like to share what I learned from the process:

    Release the judgment you feel toward who you were in the past. 

    I no longer judge the young girl who worked so hard to define herself on the pages of those journals. I wish I could write to her now and tell her that she is loved, and that she does not have to wait for things to get better—that she already has everything she needs to be happy.

    I wish I could show her all that she has to be grateful for, and tell her that I am proud of who she is, and who she will become.

    Know that you are not betraying yourself by moving on.

    I have often been afraid to stop talking or thinking about the past experiences that caused me suffering because I mistakenly believed that they were a part of me. I have to keep reminding myself now that my desire is to live in the present, not the past.

    While those experiences—along with the ones I remember more fondly—have helped to shape who I am today, they are not my identity.

    It is unnecessary for me to feel any more guilt releasing them than I do giving away a shirt that no longer fits me. Remember that you are more than the sum of your thoughts and experiences, and that while you do not need to judge them, these are things that often tie you down from being in the present moment.

    Share the experiences that cause you shame with people you love and trust.

    I have not always found it easy to trust other people, and in the past, when I was not burying my emotions in my journals, I was putting my trust in people who did not treat it with much care or compassion.

    However, I am grateful for those experiences because they allow me to recognize that I am truly fortunate for the loving and compassionate relationships I have today. I have become friends with people who encourage me to share myself with them, who do not judge me for the things I think and feel, and who support me through the process of release.

    In a world where it is all too easy to form superficial connections, I encourage you to take the time to cultivate your real-life relationships. Focus on sharing raw, human emotions with a friend or partner, and on listening to them with all the passion you desire when you are sharing.

    In addition to helping to build trust between you, the courage you show in being open and vulnerable may allow your friend or partner to release one of their own burdens. There are very few things that are more rewarding and life affirming than being present in that way for someone you love.

    Photo by @Rayabi

  • The Zen of Anger: 5 Tips to Overcome Negative Reactions

    The Zen of Anger: 5 Tips to Overcome Negative Reactions

    “When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” ~Anthony Robins

    I used to be an angry person. And I was happy about that. In fact, I prided myself on that identity during high school.

    So devoted to the young and vapid demographic, I would stand in front of the bathroom mirror and practice the eighties version of the mad dog stare. In the eleventh grade, I decided smiling wasn’t hip, so I stopped.

    I wore surly like the Goth kids take to all-black attire. My friends thought I was cool because I said what I felt and did what I wanted. “You’re so awesome, Linda—it’s like you don’t care what other people think of you.”

    Except that I did. I cared so much, in fact, that I buried the vulnerability and the emotional pain from feeling that I wasn’t in control of my life.

    The truth is that many teens don’t feel like they fit in during the tumultuous high school years.

    Most people mature and evolve as they get older. Except those who don’t. Those of us who carry the smirk and the swagger past the twelfth grade are in for an adulthood of pain and emotional suffering.

    True rebels without a cause.

    Luckily, in my twenties I had an epiphany, which led me to change my negative, brooding, fly-off-the-handle ways.

    One day during a phone conversation, my friend Rachel made a comment that has stuck with me to this day. I was blabbing on about how the car mechanic was overcharging me for a transmission repair.

    All of a sudden Rachel interrupted me and said, “Did you ever notice that you get into a lot of fights with people?”

    My stomach dropped and my cheeks were hot as I fought back tears.

    I’d like to say I heeded this message immediately. Unfortunately, it was a couple of years before I finally turned my back on angry outbursts.

    The irony is that I’ve made a career out of counseling adolescents. Many are referred to therapy because of anger management issues.

    “Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you’re at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.”

    The good news is that, regardless of where your anger originated (DNA, angry parents or family members, childhood experiences, or lifestyle), there are practical tools available to manage your anger so it does not manage you.

    I’d be remiss if I said that you’ll wake up tomorrow and feel like Calm Callie or Stress-free Steve.

    Because anger has built up over many years, you’re probably good at projecting it (“throwing” it onto others as a defense against feeling it for yourself)—and it will take time to change.

    You’ve got to own your anger. Nobody made you into an angry person. Sure Mom and Dad, childhood events, past romantic relationships, and other situations may have contributed, but the past is gone forever.

    The beautiful thing is that you have today, and today you can feel calm, collected, and in control of your emotions.

    The following five tips, when practiced regularly, will replace negative reactions and lead to a more Zen-like you.

    1. Pay attention to your morning routine.

    How we start our day affects how the rest of our activities unfold. Set your alarm for fifteen minutes earlier (don’t worry—I’ll make it up on the backend in tip #5).

    Before you get out of bed, take a couple of breaths and say something positive. For example, “Another day. Another chance for a fresh start.” When you find yourself rushing throughout the day, remind yourself “there is enough time.”

    2. Get in touch with your anger.

    Do the following exercise when you have at least thirty minutes of uninterrupted time.

    Find a comfortable seated position. Close your eyes and think of what your anger looks like. What color or images do you see? Where in your body do you store anger? Pay attention to body temperature, clinched fists, heart rate, muscle tension, and butterflies in your stomach.

    Practice deep breaths throughout this exercise, and take a break if the feelings become too intense.

    When you’re ready, open your eyes and take a deep breath. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Pick up a notepad and jot down all your angry thoughts.

    Don’t overthink this—keep the stream of thoughts flowing without editing your responses. Spend at least five minutes recording what, where, when, and around whom you feel most angry.

    Read the list and decide what are your three biggest anger triggers and/or situations. Make a circle around the top three.

    On another sheet of paper, write three strategies for remedying each one.

    For example: Problem #1:

    I can’t stand my job.

    Strategies:

    • Update my resume by Friday at noon.
    • Contact two people and network about possible job openings by Thursday at 5:00 pm.
    • Call my mentor today and invite her to lunch in exchange for business ideas. (Pick up the tab).

    Repeat this exercise frequently, and don’t worry if some of the same issues show up. Problem-solving takes practice and patience.

    3. Unplug.

    Technology encourages us to react quickly. The minute we get that text or feel the phone vibration, we’re racing to respond. Reacting impulsively is a trigger for angry outbursts. Set aside time each day to be free from checking email, social media sites, and text messaging.

    4. Train your mind to respond slower.

    Think, speak, drive, text, listen, cook, eat, and walk slower. When you slow down, you’ll feel more in control of your options and your inner life.

    Leave post-it reminders on the computer, your car dashboard, and your front door. Our brains are not trained to remember many things, so write it down.

    5. Sleep on it!

    Honestly, if I had to choose just one option to manage anger, it would be getting sufficient sleep. Sleep deprivation is a huge culprit in negative moods, including anxiety and depression.

    Commit to going to bed earlier during the week. It’s nearly impossible to make calm, measured, responsible choices if you can barely keep your eyes open.

    Bottom line: You have everything you need to change. With daily commitment, practice, and patience, you’ll increase problem-solving abilities so you can manage your anger, rather than have your anger manage you.

    Remember, living in the past causes depression. Living in the future causes anxiety. Living in the here-and-now enables you to make healthy choices to increase emotional well-being.

    And the future begins now.

  • Make Sure You’ll Smile When You Look Back on Your Life

    Make Sure You’ll Smile When You Look Back on Your Life

    Looking Back

    “The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.” ~Carl Rogers

    I had just gotten settled into my hospital bed after two hours of preparation. I had 32 electrodes taped to my bandage-wrapped skull, plugged into a machine that monitored my brainwaves, with just enough room to go from the bed to the bathroom.

    After two ambulance rides and multiple seizures, I needed to find out what was going on with my brain.

    The full diagnosis of my disease was still unknown then. The doctors told me it could be serious and to prepare for the worst.

    The worst?

    “Yes, they said. Your time on this earth could be seriously limited.”

    Weeks? Months? A year? Years? They said “yes.” In other words, they didn’t know yet.

    When the nurse left my room, I was there by myself with nothing but my thoughts about my life and death.

    It quickly dawned on me that at some point, most people would be in hospital beds, facing their mortality and asking themselves the hardest question they will be forced to ask: Did I live a fulfilled life?

    I began to audit my life and smiled.

    If the worst news came, I knew I’d be leaving this earth walking the path of fulfillment. Granted, I wanted several more decades to walk the path, but my brain condition forced me to answer that question of all questions.

    The phrase “the path of fulfillment” was a revelation I’d had nearly 20 years ago on the plane ride home from my mother’s funeral.

    Fulfillment is a constantly moving energy. It’s a path, not a place. You’re either walking on it or away from it. That’s why you have to work at it everyday to stay on the path.

    Back then I wasn’t doing what, in my heart, I knew I always wanted. I wanted to make movies and music, to influence others, to make the world a better place. There were so many things I always wanted to do.

    But they were huge endeavors, and fear superseded these dreams.

    I had to face the fear of failure, the fear of success, the fear of rejection, the fear of what people would think.

    So I acted. I wanted to make a movie. It was 1999, so the first thing I did when I landed at home in Austin, Texas was buy a computer, Final Cut pro editing software, and a digital camera.

    I had never used a camera or editing software, but that didn’t matter. I took one small step at a time, and in two years my wife and I were travelling to New York, Los Angeles, and Muskogee, Oklahoma to view my documentary at film festivals.

    Guess what the documentary was about? That’s right—fulfillment!

    As a part of the documentary, I produced two of my own songs. Those songs played all over the world. That’s when there were 25,000 Internet Radio stations begging for music, so radio play over the web was accessible as long as you had a radio-ready produced song worth the airwaves.

    Again, one small step at a time, and I had a movie and music under my belt.

    I wanted to run a marathon. I was overweight and never really ran long distance before. But, all it took was a start, commitment, and follow-through. It took three years to accomplish, but I took small steps to make the big run.

    I started by running one mile, then two, then a 10K, then a ten miler, then running a marathon in four hours and forty-seven minutes. Not a record setting pace, eh? Didn’t matter. To me, I had won the gold medal.

    Fulfillment transcended again on March 5, 2007. That’s when I held my beautiful daughter in my arms, looking at all of her beauty, as she was perfect on that day she was to born. But she was dead. And it was tragic, no doubt about it, but if reinforced that life is fragile, and we need to honor it.

    So I’m not going into the darkness that lay ahead, just the light that came from her death.

    The revelation of fulfillment had elevated to the connections in our lives. Through all of this hardship, I was glad I’d married my best friend, as I don’t know how we could have survived otherwise.

    All of our friends and family stood with us and were there for whatever we needed. I had made it a commitment and priority for my 40-something years on this planet to nurture true and deep friendships.

    Those deep relationships paid off when I needed them the most. And still do.

    I am close friends with those that I connected with in first grade, sixth grade, high school, and college—those relationships where you can peel off all of the layers and just be yourself and laugh and cry all in the same breath.

    Again, it was a commitment I made to be a true friend for all of those decades. You have to be a friend to have friends.

    You have to make time to call them, Skype them, have a drink with them. In the end when you’re in your hospital bed facing your mortality, it is those connections that will truly matter.

    To build those connections, first and foremost, you have to connect with yourself.

    You have to know who you are, what you stand for, and how you want to connect with people and the society we live in.

    When you connect with yourself, you can face your fears. You can build the confidence to act on your passions, to commit to them and follow through. And in doing this with deep connections, you can walk the path of fulfillment.

    We now have a beautiful four-year-old daughter who is the brightest connection in our lives. My brain condition is in check as long as I take my handful of pills each day.

    I make sure I cherish every moment with my daughter, my wife and best friend, my friends, and my family.

    And I make damn sure that I honor my commitments to connect with myself, my loved ones, and the world where we all live.

    Remember, one day, you will be in your hospital bed auditing your life. When you do look back on your life, you want to make sure you smile.

    Photo by SilentMind8

  • 10 Ways to Deal with Negative or Difficult People

    10 Ways to Deal with Negative or Difficult People

    “Dwelling on the negative simply contributes to its power.” ~Shirley MacLaine

    I love her to death, but it’s draining to talk to her.

    Every time I call this friend of mine, I know what I’m in for: a half-hour rant about everything that’s difficult, miserable, or unfair.

    Sometimes she focuses on the people she feels have wronged her, and other times she explores the general hopelessness of life. She never calls to see how I’m doing, and she rarely listens to what’s going on in my life for more than a minute before shifting the focus back to herself.

    I tell myself I call because I care, but sometimes I wonder if I have ulterior motives–to pump up my ego offering good advice or even to feel better about my own reality.

    I’m no saint, and if there’s one thing I know well, it’s that we only do things repeatedly if we believe there’s something in it for us. Even if that something is just to feel needed.

    I thought about this the other day when a reader wrote to me with an interesting question: “How do you offer compassion to someone who doesn’t seem to deserve it?”

    While I believe everyone deserves compassion, I understand what she meant after reading more. She went on to describe her offensive, sexist, racist boss who emotionally exhausts everyone around him. He sounds a lot more hateful than my friend, who is, sadly, just terribly depressed.

    But these people have one thing in common: boundless negative energy that ends up affecting everyone around them.

    So today I started thinking about how we interact with negative or difficult people. People who seem chronically critical, belligerent, indignant, angry, or just plain rude.

    When someone repeatedly drains everyone around them, how do you maintain a sense of compassion without getting sucked into their doom? And how do you act in a way that doesn’t reinforce their negativity–and maybe even helps them?

    Here’s what I’ve come up with:

    1. Resist the urge to judge or assume.

    It’s hard to offer someone compassion when you assume you have them pegged. He’s a jerk. She’s a malcontent. He’s an–insert other choice noun. Even if it seems unlikely someone will wake up one day and act differently, we have to remember it is possible.

    When you think negative thoughts, it comes out in your body language. Someone prone to negativity may feel all too tempted to mirror that. Try coming at them with the positive mindset you wish they had. Expect the best in them. You never know when you might be pleasantly surprised.

    2. Dig deeper, but stay out of the hole.

    It’s always easier to offer someone compassion if you try to understand where they’re coming from. But that can’t completely justify bad behavior. If you show negative people you support their choice to behave badly, you give them no real incentive to make a change (which they may actually want deep down).

    It may help to repeat this in your head when you deal with them: “I understand your pain. But I’m most helpful if I don’t feed into it.” This might help you approach them with both kindness and firmness so they don’t bring you down with them.

    3.Maintain a positive boundary.

    Some people might tell you to visualize a bright white light around you to maintain a positive space when other people enter it with negativity. This doesn’t actually work for me because I respond better to ideas in words than visualizations. So I tell myself this, “I can only control the positive space I create around myself.”

    Then when I interact with this person, I try to do two things, in this order of importance:

    • Protect the positive space around me. When their negativity is too strong to protect it, I need to walk away.
    • Help them feel more positive, not act more positive–which is more likely to create the desired result.

    4. Disarm their negativity, even if just for now.

    This goes back to the ideas I mentioned above. I know my depressed friend will rant about life’s injustices as long as I let her. Part of me feels tempted to play amateur psychiatrist–get her talking, and then try to help her reframe situations into a more positive light.

    Then I remind myself that I can’t change her whole way of being in one phone call. She has to want that. I also can’t listen for hours on end, as I’ve done in the past. But I can listen compassionately for a short while and then help her focus on something positive right now, in this moment. I can ask about her upcoming birthday. I can remind her it’s a beautiful day for a walk.

    Don’t try to solve or fix them. Just aim to help them now.

    5. Temper your emotional response.

    Negative people often gravitate toward others who react strongly–people who easily offer compassion or get outraged or offended. I suspect this gives them a little light in the darkness of their inner world–a sense that they’re not floating alone in their own anger or sadness.

    People remember and learn from what you do more than what you say. If you feed into the situation with emotions, you’ll teach them they can depend on you for a reaction. It’s tough not to react because we’re human, but it’s worth practicing.

    Once you’ve offered a compassionate ear for as long as you can, respond as calmly as possible with a simple line of fact. If you’re dealing with a rude or angry person, you may want to change the subject to something unrelated: “Dancing with the Stars is on tonight. Planning to watch it?”

    6. Question what you’re getting out of it.

    Like I mentioned above, we often get something out of relationships with negative people. Get real honest with yourself: have you fallen into a caretaker role because it makes you feel needed? Have you maintained the relationship so you can gossip about this person in a holier-than-thou way with others? Do you have some sort of stake in keeping the things the way they are?

    Questioning yourself helps you change the way you respond–which is really all you can control. You can’t make someone think, feel, or act differently. You can be as kind as possible or as combative as possible, and still not change reality for someone else. All you can control is what you think and do–and then do your best to help them without hurting yourself.

    7. Remember the numbers.

    Research shows that people with negative attitudes have significantly higher rates of stress and disease. Someone’s mental state plays a huge role in their physical health. If someone’s making life difficult for people around them, you can be sure they’re doing worse for themselves.

    What a sad reality, that someone has so much pain inside them they have to act out just to feel some sense of relief–even if that relief comes from getting a rise out of people. When you remember how much a difficult person is suffering, it’s easier to stay focused on minimizing negativity, as opposed to defending yourself.

    8. Don’t take it personally, but know that sometimes it is personal.

    Conventional wisdom suggests that you should never take things personally when you deal with a negative person. I think it’s a little more complicated than that. You can’t write off everything someone says about you just because the person is insensitive or tactless. Even an abrasive person may have a valid point. Try to weigh their comments with a willingness to learn.

    Accept that you don’t deserve the excessive emotions in someone’s tone, but weigh their ideas with a willingness to learn. Some of the most useful lessons I’ve learned came from people I wished weren’t right.

    9. Act instead of just reacting.

    Oftentimes we wait until someone gets angry or depressed before we try to buoy their spirits. If you know someone who seems to deal with difficult thoughts or feelings often (as demonstrated in their behavior), don’t wait for a situation to help them create positive feelings.

    Give them a compliment for something they did well. Remind them of a moment when they were happy–as in “Remember when you scored that touchdown during the company picnic? That was awesome!” You’re more apt to want to boost them up when they haven’t brought you down. This may help mitigate that later and also give them a little relief from their pain.

    10. Maintain the right relationship based on reality as it is.

    With my friend, I’m always wishing she could be more positive. I consistently put myself in situations where I feel bad because I want to help, because I want her to be happy. I’ve recently realized the best I can do is accept her as she is, let her know I believe in her ability to be happy, and then give her space to make the choice.

    That means gently bringing our conversation to a close after I’ve made an effort to help. Or cutting short a night out if I’ve done all I can and it’s draining me. Hopefully she’ll want to change some day. Until then, all I can do is love her, while loving myself enough to take care of my needs. That often means putting them first.

    —

    I’ve learned you can’t always save the world, but you can make the world a better place by working on yourself–by becoming self-aware, tapping into your compassion, and protecting your positive space. You may even help negative people by fostering a sense of peace within yourself that their negativity can’t pierce.

  • 8 Ways We Block Our Creativity and Keep Ourselves Stuck

    8 Ways We Block Our Creativity and Keep Ourselves Stuck

    “Accept your past without regret, handle your present with confidence, and face your future without fear.” ~Unknown

    I have always considered myself a creative person, and formerly, I didn’t put much attention or energy into where  inspiration came from.

    There was a time when I had just started writing copy, designing, printing, and hand-painting T-shirts. Having worked on a few creative ventures before then, I felt that this time things were different.

    I urgently and passionately worked into the early mornings, designing and putting ideas and concepts on paper, afraid that I would lose the inspiration. Dramatic as it may sound, this was my first brush with raw creative inspiration and the waves of delight and despair it makes you ride.

    Fast-forward many years later, I had gotten myself gradually into a non-creative nine-to-five job. I began wondering why I didn’t feel as inspired to create.

    These last few years have been an attempt to reconnect with creative inspiration. I have always been interested in writing and the power and magic of words. I strongly feel like there is a writer within me who is waiting to unleash his creativity.

    As I turn the clock back, I reflect over how I blocked my own creativity—what thoughts, beliefs, and excuses got in the way. If you’re also feeling stuck, some of these may be holding you back:

    1. I am not an expert and I don’t feel ready.

    This is the most fundamental level at which we block ourselves from using our creative powers. We tell ourselves that we’re not ready, and we believe we need to learn more before we can begin.

    We may never feel completely ready, but we’ll feel a lot better and a lot more confident after we allow ourselves to take action.

    2. I don’t believe in myself.

    Have you ever met someone who was talented but chose to remain a wallflower in their own life because they didn’t believe they were?

    I remember the time I stood in front of fifty students to teach biology. Before the class, I’d looked at myself in the mirror, nervous and unsure if I would be received well. I looked squarely into my eyes and reconnected with a sense of deep belief that I was good enough for the task.

    As a result, I felt authentic and allowed myself to be a vehicle of expression to others.

    Since that day, I’ve incorporated many creative techniques in my teaching methods. Instead of just lecturing, I tell stories, use models, and engage my students in hands-on activities.

    3. It’s not the right time.

    Time is a wonderful excuse to put off that dream project because we always think we’ll be better prepared or have more time later. But every time I’ve asked myself if I could carve out some time for my creative dreams, the answer has been a resounding “yes,” because I know it’s a worthy, fulfilling, and rewarding experience, and that I need to make time.

    4. It’s not perfect: analysis paralysis.

    Perfectionism can kill creativity. You wear yourself thin by assuming something isn’t good enough, and you get stuck in analysis.

    I have endlessly analyzed the merits and demerits of a creative venture, never quite going past that stage—never taking any real action to make it happen.

    We create standards for perfectionism based on our beliefs, and think that we don’t measure up. This becomes a self-limiting experience. When we realize we’re the ones setting the high standards, we have the choice to accept imperfection and become free to express our creativity.

    5. I feel overwhelmed.

    Having too much on your plate can push you into overwhelm mode, and everything feels like a crisis. How can you create if you don’t know where to begin?

    Whenever I feel like this, I take the time to unwind, breathe, and slow down. I clean my space, de-clutter my surroundings, and put things back to where they belong. I allow myself to take a break, relax, and do what I enjoy.

    I’ve realized that we were not designed to be on “go” mode all the time; doing too much makes us feel like hamsters spinning on a wheel. I’ve made the choice to step off. The solution is to take small steps!

    6. I’m afraid of failure.

    As a society, we are mortally afraid of failing and looking bad. Success and the quest for the better life are deeply programmed in us. We don’t always learn to fail, brush off, and move on, and we don’t accept that failure is not only probable, but also inevitable.

    I learned the lesson of failure when I began working in a laboratory setting. In science research, much of what you do on a daily basis fails. These failures become stepping stones for what finally works.

    7. I feel uncertain and don’t know what to do next.

    How many times have you felt uncertain and unwilling to do something new, and therefore became stuck?

    When we realize that uncertainty is just a step in the creative process, we can begin to feel at ease with it and focus on moving forward.

    8. I’m dwelling on the past and blocking my creative energy in the present.

    When I was angry, I told myself stories about how everyone else was to blame for my problems—how I had it difficult and why no one understood or cared.

    Now I realize that by being caught up in my stories, I stunted my creative growth. Instead of using the energy of anger and my stories as an impetus to create more, I just let it waste away.

    When ancient stories and programs bubble up, I do some acceptance and forgiveness work. I allow the emotions to come up and then I thank them and ask what can I learn from them. I then choose to forgive and let go. This frees up my energy to create more in my present.

    What blocks your creativity, and are you ready to get unblocked?

  • Stop Running from Your Life and Start Living It

    Stop Running from Your Life and Start Living It

    Running

    “Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.” ~Buddha

    I spent most of my life running. I ran from people, commitments, physical locations, and most of all, myself. And if I wasn’t running, I was definitely thinking about it.

    I always had great excuses. I wasn’t happy, didn’t fit in, wasn’t comfortable—the excuses were never ending. I was rarely content. So in late 2010, I decided that the best solution was to sell everything, uproot, and move across country.

    The problem with always running is that eventually you grow exhausted.

    Alone in an unfamiliar city, I first thought my depression was due to the vast changes in my life. Not only had I left a relatively small city for one of the largest in Canada, I was jobless, friendless, and scared out of my mind. That’s when things started to fall apart.

    Little by little, everything began to crumble. My self-esteem, confidence, and self-assurance were evaporating, and I didn’t understand what was going on. I had never stopped long enough to take a good look at my life, so I didn’t even know myself.

    I didn’t want to know myself.

    By 2012, I lost interest in most activities that once fulfilled my life. I went through cycles of depression, hopelessness, and panic. I was certain that the world moved ahead and I had fallen behind everyone else.

    I was completely broken and, unlike the other times when I’d struggled, I didn’t think I could be repaired. 

    I attempted counseling but it didn’t help. It just seemed like the layers of my issues weren’t only psychological, but also spiritual. Sure, everything had a logical solution, but it didn’t necessarily give me any comfort.

    Talking to friends wasn’t helpful either. In fact, in some cases it seemed to make me feel worse.

    I sought books and blogs to find the help I needed. The miraculous thing is that once I started to look for solutions, one by one, I found the exact reading material I needed at that very moment. One little molecule at a time, I felt like I was being rebuilt.

    Then everything took an abrupt turn.     

    It was the first weekend in September and I was sitting outside on a beautiful day, feeling a deep sense of peace and relaxation. Maybe, I decided, things were starting to look up. Maybe everything was finally coming together.

    That night I had an intense dream where I was in a mad rush to find a specific person in order to finish a task. I finally found him and he held up a baby for me to see. The child kissed her tiny fingers, then touched my face and in an adult voice said, “I love you.”

    I awoke the next morning feeling like this was strangely a sign of hope.

    Immediately, I thought that one of my close friends back home, who was a spiritual person, would understand the intensity I felt over such a dream. We often discussed our personal struggles and successes, encouraging and helping each other in our journey. She was a big believer in synchronicity and would be elated to learn that I had this positive sign.

    Before I had a chance to contact her, I found out the terrible news: She had been killed in a car accident the previous day.

    Once I got over the shock and disbelief, I felt that the dream was a message from her. We always talked about “signs,” and since she loved children (and was actually a teacher), it made sense that she would communicate with me through a child.

    I felt a great deal of grief over her death, but the dream left me with an unexpected sense of hope.

    I thought about the kind of person she was; she was adventurous, always tried to see the good in others, and lived in the moment. I also thought about how she admired my fiery, direct, and honest attitude. That’s when I realized it was time to bring that person back.

    Although I continued to struggle for the upcoming months, I was feeling a tinge of hope that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

    In late 2012, I was shocked to learn that two more of my friends had died—both were young and had a short bout with cancer.

    It was yet another reminder that we are only given so many days, so much time, and we should use it on things and people that matter to us.

    I ended a friendship that was draining and hurtful. I also put a lot less focus on those who didn’t bring something positive to the table, instead focusing on those who made me laugh and were a joy to be around.

    But even then, I didn’t feel completely fulfilled and often found myself falling into my old, negative thought patterns, usually coinciding with the end of the week.

    Then I took a friend’s advice and picked up a book by Louise Hay. It changed my life.

    In one of her books, she outlines an exercise that requires the reader to visualize themselves as a child of five or six. You have to envision yourself looking into your own eyes as a child. I did so and the first thought that ran through my head was, “I’m sorry that I ruined your life.”

    I immediately broke down. I never cried with such intensity before. Until that moment, I had never realized that this was my central thought for so long.

    No wonder I felt so miserable and defeated. Telling anyone that they ruined your life is a pretty broad statement—and yet, I was telling this to myself everyday.

    Things didn’t become perfect after that day, but I saw some immediate changes. I felt lighter and slept better than I had before. I was calmer and centered in a way I had never experienced in my life; it was a new normal for me.

    I had spent so many years racing away from my thoughts, feelings, fears, and insecurities because the idea of dealing with them was overwhelming. But it had to happen.

    I no longer run away because I know it doesn’t bring you true happiness. I face each situation with courage, but mostly, I follow my instincts and do what feels right. It hasn’t steered me wrong yet.

    I’m not suggesting that every day is magical, wonderful, and full of pink unicorns. (I wish!) But I’ve learned that the key is to accept yourself with the same love and compassion as you would for the most important person in your life.

    Really, it should be one in the same.

    Photo by StarMama

  • Don’t Let Anyone’s Criticism or Judgment Define Who You Are

    Don’t Let Anyone’s Criticism or Judgment Define Who You Are

    Hiding in the Shadows

    “There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz

    I was a chunky, shy little girl who was attached to my mom’s leg. She was my protector and served as a source of unconditional love.

    As I left my mom’s side and went off to school, I encountered many new faces that introduced me to criticism and judgment.

    Being judged by your physical attributes as an adult, in a society that constantly strives for physical perfection, is hard enough, but understanding those judgments as a little girl can be quite the challenge.

    At such a young age, I had no way to process the mean words tossed my way, so I built a shell around myself and often wished I could become invisible to avoid hurting. I tried to carry on as if others’ words could not impact me.

    What I quickly learned as I went through life is that we all encounter many people along the way who will attempt to tear us down and break our spirit. What I couldn’t realize then is that it’s truly up to us to decide how we allow others to make us feel and whether or not we allow them to shape us into a person we are not.

    That little girl in a shell grew older, moving on through middle school, high school, college, and the career world post graduation.

    I encountered each day, each year, and each new opportunity with the same feeling of insecurity that formed in that little girl so many years ago.

    Even with all of the growth I’d experienced as I went through relationships, graduated college, lived on my own, and accomplished many goals, I somehow still felt like that vulnerable little girl who wished to remain unnoticed and wanted to crawl into a shell to avoid judgment.

    What makes the feeling worse is that those judgments don’t end when we leave childhood. They are simply just beginning. We will always encounter critics along our journey through life.

    When I began college, I joined practically every activity related to my major. In my personal life, I went on dates and tried to play the confident girl with a smile.

    After I graduated from college, I had to go on job interviews and pretend I was self-assured. Once I got the job, I had to give presentations, speak at meetings, and continue to fulfill my role with confidence.

    I pushed myself to achieve and continue moving forward, but I never felt truly fulfilled. I still remained insecure and began to question why I felt that way, why I was always stuck in my own head, and why I seemed to carry that shell on my back.

    Ultimately, I realized that I felt insecure because I was carrying around the words and judgments I’d heard at different points in my life as if they were written into the code of my DNA.

    I allowed people who held no significance in my life to take from who I am and hinder the person I have come to be.

    We have all had someone say something that does not reflect who we truly are, but sometimes we give it so much power that we allow it to define us.

    Because we are human, it is not always easy to instantly deflect how certain words make us feel, but we can search within ourselves to recognize when they become detrimental to who we are and how we live our lives.

    Have you ever let judgments or criticism from your past hinder who you are in the present? Have you allowed those words to impact what you are truly capable of? Now is the time to take back that power.

    Bring Those Feelings to the Surface

    It wasn’t until I was twenty-five years old that I could dig deep enough to peel away the layers I had built over the years and be honest with myself. Those layers masked the pain that had followed me wherever I seemed to go.

    If we are not honest with ourselves, it’s easier to remain in that shell and continue on as if those feelings don’t exist. We then relinquish our control and convince ourselves that maybe we are that person as we continue on the same path.

    Share Your Feelings With Someone Close to You

    Oftentimes, we find shame in the criticisms and judgments we’ve faced, so, we keep them to ourselves. After all, they’ve already hindered us enough. Why expose such raw feelings?

    Saying it out loud to someone who genuinely cares and supports you can minimize some of the vulnerability you feel from those who have been so quick to judge you.

    It can be therapeutic in not only bringing it to the surface, but in sharing it with another person who can be there for you and serve as a support system.

    Surround Yourself With the Right People/Eliminate the Wrong Ones

    While I did not have a choice to be surrounded by those kids in school, I have discovered the power in surrounding myself with positive people who have my best interests at heart.

    It’s not always easy to let go of people we form relationships with, but if those relationships enforce the negative feelings we are trying to release ourselves from, they only become counterproductive.

    People who truly care about us and deserve to be in our lives will not attempt to bring us down or carry the same judgments the people of our past have carried.

    Remind Yourself Who You Are

    It’s easy to get so caught up in what others say that we begin to see ourselves in that light. Don’t lose sight of who you truly are and the unique qualities you’ve built within yourself.

    As I go about my days, form new relationships, take on new challenges in my career, encounter obstacles, and celebrate accomplishments in life, I take the time to remind myself of who I’ve come to be on my own terms, not who other people have deemed me to be.

    I find that the more I change my old habits of thinking as that little girl with the shell, the easier it is for me to truly be the person I’ve chosen to be.

    It took me a long time, but I was finally able to recognize that the little girl with the shell is not who I am today. She will always be a part of me, but I cannot allow her to dominate my days or I will not be living up to my full potential.

    If there’s one thing I’ve learned on my journey so far, it’s that people can only take from you what you allow. If you allow others to define who you are, you are giving them the power to dictate where your path will lead.

    Photo by craigCloutier

  • 4 Ways to Use Journaling to Calm Your Inner Critic

    4 Ways to Use Journaling to Calm Your Inner Critic

    Reflection

    “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

    It’s a voice we’re all familiar with, and one that we all find challenging. Yes, the inner critic is the part of our internal dialogue that can make or break our day.

    At its best, our inner critic helps us live in a way that’s true to our values, questioning decisions that we might regret later and keeping us on the straight and narrow. At it’s worst, however, an inner critic rampage can bring down our mood, self-esteem, and sense of self-worth.

    Much of my own self-work has focused on my internal dialogue. My inner critic can be mean. She has completely different standards for me than for anyone else, and she knows exactly what to say to make my self-confidence crumble.

    One aspect of my life my inner critic has been most vocal about is my work. After graduating, I started out as a freelancer, and then recently transitioned into running my own business.

    My critic dealt with these transitions by telling me I was getting too big for my boots to think I could make a living working for myself, trying to convince me other people wouldn’t take me seriously, and criticizing everything from my earnings to the fact that I didn’t have a “real” job.

    At a time when I was pushing myself outside my comfort zone, this was a painful experience that provoked all kinds of self-doubt and anxiety (plus many sleepless nights).

    Calming my inner critic is a work in progress, but there is one tool that I have found invaluable for entering into a more productive dialogue with it: Journaling.

    The inner critic only has power when we give it that power. Journaling has helped me learn how to not only keep the inner critic at bay in the short-term, but also to develop a more healthy and balanced relationship with this, and other parts of my internal dialogue, over the long-term.

    Here are four ways you can use journaling to calm your inner critic:

    1. Cheerleading

    Cheerleading is a simple journaling practice that takes a negative self-belief and turns it into an accepting and self-compassionate statement.

    Here’s an example:

    Negative statement: I hate my stomach. I hate the way it bulges when I sit down, and the way it hangs over my favorite jeans.

    Cheerleading statement: I accept my stomach, and accept that it looks the way it looks right now. Any desire to change it comes from wanting the best for my health, not from a sense of not being good enough.

    or

    I accept my stomach, and know that it is just a part of me; I am not defined as a person by how it looks.

    This exercise might feel unnatural at first. It’s easy to get caught up in the inner critic’s beliefs. Cheerleading not only provides us with an alternative perspective, but also helps us strengthen a more self-accepting voice. The more you practice it, the more natural this turnaround becomes and, consequently, the less powerful the critic’s statements become.

    2. Dialogue

    Our inner critics are capable of dishing out some seriously harsh criticism, but they’re there for a reason. Although it might not be immediately obvious, all of our internal voices are working in their own way to protect us—even the inner critic. When we are shamed and judged for things by other people, over time we internalize their beliefs and start shaming and judging ourselves.

    The inner critic works in this way to curb our behavior, and prevent other people from shaming and judging us in the future. Because it’s really trying to protect us, the more we try to ignore and repress our inner critic, the louder it becomes. One way we can calm this voice is to talk to it, and write out the conversation.

    When doing this, I find it helpful to bring forward a nurturing internal voice (also called the “adult” part or your “true self”) to act as a mediator.

    Start by asking your inner critic to tell you more about a particular statement it made recently, or with a more general dialogue about your feelings. The aim of this is to start a constructive conversation that helps you understand and even empathize with my inner critic’s motivations.

    When I realized that my inner critic was trying to protect me from the criticism of specific childhood figures—people I’m not around anymore—it was a lot easier to understand, accept, and reassure the critic. Consequently, the critic’s words became less powerful.

    Like cheerleading, this exercise might feel unnatural at first (after all, talking to “the voices in our head” carries a degree of cultural stigma). Keep persevering, and you’ll soon be able to hold a constructive and calmer dialogue with your critic.

    3. Retrospect

    “Retrospecting” involves reading back over past journaling notes and looking at patterns, language, themes, and underlying beliefs. This activity is best done weeks or months after writing an entry so enough time has passed that you can read with a more objective eye. Consider the following questions:

    Does your inner critic sound like anyone you know?

    This could be a parent, other relative, a mentor, or anyone who played a significant role in your life as a child.

    Does it have any recurring complaints?

    Perhaps your inner critic focuses on specific characteristics or attributes, such as your appearance, your work ethic, or your interactions with others. When we identify these patterns, we can look at where they might have come from. My inner critic’s recurring complaints involve my appearance and the idea that I’m “anti-social”—both of which I was criticized for while growing up.

    Is there any kind of truth in the critic’s complaints?

    We’ve already talked about how the critic is out to protect us, and although it might not communicate with us in manner that’s easy to hear, sometimes it has a point. It can be tempting to dismiss our inner critic’s criticisms as meaningless, but they can be a useful indicator of when we might be behaving out of line with our values.

    What do you think your critic is trying to protect you from?

    There is a method behind the madness, so take a step back and try to empathize with your inner critic’s motivations, as I described in tip two.

    4. Strengthen your other internal voices.

    Our inner critics are here to stay and (as much as we might want them to) will not disappear any time soon. One way to balance out our internal dialogue is to make the critic comparatively quieter by strengthening our nurturing internal dialogue.

    Beginning this process through journaling helps us strengthen this voice in writing, with the aim that one day we’ll be able to shift the process to real time and have a compassionate, empathic response counteracting the inner critic’s complaints.

    The cheerleading exercise above is helpful for this kind of strengthening. You can also use journaling to return to situations that roused the inner critic, and retrospectively respond in writing with the kind of dialogue that would come from a gentler nurturing voice.

    Having strengthened my own nurturing voice through journaling, it’s now a lot easier to access that voice internally when my critic appears.

    The parts of our internal dialogue are like muscles: the more we use them, the stronger they become. Developing a supportive, empathic dialogue comes with consistent practice over time. With conscious care and attention, however, it is possible to shift our internal dialogue from criticism and blame to empathy and acceptance.

    How do you calm your inner critic?

    Photo by Renata Diem

  • The Story So Far: Your Life Is How You Interpret It

    The Story So Far: Your Life Is How You Interpret It

    “Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” ~Carl Bard

    My life has been a long string of failures.

    The earliest I can remember is having my teeth knocked out when my grandpa braked too hard at a stoplight on our way to a church Easter pageant. I was supposed to be singing a solo, the part of the “little gray lamb,” and I did it—performing while clutching a bloodstained washcloth wrapped around ice cubes to hold to my front gums in between verses.

    Dumb kid. Should’ve worn a seatbelt.

    In sixth grade I was chosen to represent my school at the Planet Bowl at the Zeigfield Theatre in New York. I came within one warning of disqualification and yet won the competition, earning a microscope for my school and getting my picture in the paper with former Mayor Abe Beam.

    Talk about a self-centered attention seeker.

    In high school I played leading roles in musicals, composed and arranged pieces performed with my fellow students, won state-level First honors in both drama and music. I also lettered in cross country and swimming, was a national merit semi-finalist, and won a rotary scholarship.

    What an unrealistic artsy-fartsy nerd.

    I was an honor student in college, before withdrawing to join the Marines. There I tied for top scores in the School of Infantry, getting a meritorious mast. I raised one, two, and then two more daughters, working every job I could find, from short-order cook to multimedia producer to feed them, house them, clothe them, and help them turn into the remarkable young women they are now.

    What a waste. A white guy during the dot-com boom couldn’t do better than flipping burgers and pancakes? Pathetic.

    That’s the story I’ve told myself, over and over.

    I could list more triumphs, more successes, more things that I attempted and achieved, but the number of things I didn’t achieve always vastly outnumbers them.

    Either in comparison to what others have accomplished or simply in comparison to that evil little voice of “you should’ve” in the back of my head, no matter what I pull up and show, there is always a version of the story of my life where even my failures could’ve been better.

    In some ways it could be argued that this has been beneficial. I am always trying to please that voice, and it leads me to try hard, try again, and try different approaches until I find something that works.

    I got inspired by Homer’s Odysseus, whose epithet “polyteknos” literally means “man of many ways.” That dissatisfaction with the things I’ve done has led to more and more varied and unusual accomplishments in various areas, taken me around the world teaching, learning, and connecting with remarkable people.

    But always accompanied by that voice in my head, saying: If yer so smart, why ain’t you rich? Or in better shape, or more prolific a writer, or more attentive a father, or, or, or.

    Forty-three years of this, give or take. And finally, in about the past year, I’m slowly coming to realize something about this epic tale of my life.

    The should’ve’s always seem bigger than the did’s because of the stories I’ve been telling myself about them. They have no more substance than the shadow of a cloud passing over a mountain, yet they change my entire perception of what happened.

    What if I could change that? What if I could set out to tell a different story? What happens then?

    Carl Bard is right: I can’t change what has happened, but I can look at it differently, a process popularly known as reframing.

    Suddenly my parents’ divorce is what gave me three half-sisters and a half-brother. My withdrawal from college took me out of an environment toxic to my young questioning mind. The injuries to my knees that led to a discharge from the Corps let me raise my kids without the trauma of Gulf War I.

    Every mishap, mistake, misunderstanding, and misspent moment led directly to the person I am now.

    Is that person a success? Is that person a failure? Like Schrodinger’s Cat, the fact is that I am both and neither until I choose the lens through which to look at myself. Between the reflection in the mirror and my brain, the filters of experience change the feelings attached to every event and deed.

    Sometimes the mountains are in sunlight, sometimes shadow. The mountains remain, nonetheless. They can be obstacles or they can be panoramic beauty. Either way, they will inspire the story within.

    You write about the mountain and the valley and the river and all the rest of your life’s metaphorical landscape. You also rewrite that story, every day. Not only how it ends, but also how you remember it.

    There is magic in hindsight, and there is forgiveness in perspective, if you choose to accept either.

    Best of all, there is inspiration in the knowledge that the path led you to now, where you have the power to decide what will happen next.

    If you asked me, right now, what the biggest accomplishment of my life has been, it’s a no-brainer. It’s a tie between making my three-year-old grandson Harvey laugh and making my other grandson, one-year-old Victor, smile. Nothing else in my entire life has felt as worthwhile. Not. One. Thing.

    There is no way the little gray lamb, the musician, the Marine, or any other me’s could have known or planned for that. And that’s okay; I am eternally grateful for the part they played in making my life’s great work possible.

    Slowly I’m learning not to worry about writing the ending of my story or editing the beginning. I’m learning to do what is most important, every day: The story, so far.

    Photo by Bev Goodwin

  • 5 Steps to Make Change Work for You

    5 Steps to Make Change Work for You

    “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” ~Alan Watts

    Life is a free-flowing, ever changing river. Riding the rapids is frightening, and the temptation to avoid it is alluring. However, the adventure it promises is equally attractive.

    We are naturally primed to adapt. Yet, the possibility of having to give up what is familiar is daunting. It can leave one paralyzed, disoriented, and unable to move forward.

    In my childhood, my family kept moving across cities and often within the same city. By the time I was ten, I had lived in three cities, in two different states, in about ten different residences, and had studied in seven different schools. A period of apparent stability followed this nomadic phase of my life.

    When I decided to get married, I had been living in the same city for about fifteen years. I had a job, a daily routine, a solid social circle, and everything else that speaks of a “settled” life. I was absolutely snug in the center of my comfort zone!

    Perhaps that is why the thought of moving to a new city post-marriage made me apprehensive.

    Marriage, in itself, is a huge life change. I knew full well that it would usher in a plethora of new roles, responsibilities, and demands.

    In addition to this, living away from my family, my friends, and everything that was familiar to me was a rather intimidating challenge.

    The doubts that my family and friends expressed with regards to my ability to adjust added to my anxiety. I started to have second thoughts about getting married.

    At the same time the idea of giving up on a wonderful man just because I was too afraid to make a few changes in my life seemed ridiculous. In the end, I decided in favor of getting married and moving to a new city—one that was very different from what I was used to.

    Two years later, I know I’ve made the right decision. Having taken on the challenge called “change,” I have made it work for me. In retrospect, I can describe the process of successful change as having five discrete steps/stages.

    1. Reaffirmation of self-belief.

    I had to trust myself. Handing in my resignation letter without having another job lined up was one of the toughest things I’ve had to do.

    I gave myself the confidence that I was skilled, and I would be able to find another job no matter where I went. I believed that no matter where life took me, I would find a way to put down roots and thrive.

    2. The willingness to move out of your comfort zone.

    It’s difficult and it takes a lot of courage to let go of the people, places, and things that we’re used to. These are emotional anchors that keep us rooted. They give us a feeling of security.

    To successfully make a change, however, one must be willing to let go and accept the ensuing discomfort—which is usually short lived and worth the trouble when you take the benefits into consideration.

    Accepting discomfort does not mean that you should disregard the unpleasant aspects of the situation and focus only on the positive. In fact, we may find nothing to like. Acknowledging the negatives is a better strategy than denial, and was in fact the third step I took toward making a smooth transition.

    3. Acknowledge what you don’t like.

    When we are open about what we dislike like about the situation, it presents us with opportunities for problem solving. There are many things that I don’t like about the city I live in now. However, acknowledging these things has enabled me to work around these issues.

    Of course, I didn’t do any of this in a hurry.

    When we juggle too many balls, we’re bound to drop a couple. Each one of us has our own momentum at which we are able to make adjustments.

    4. Find your own pace.

    As a new bride, my initial focus was on getting to know my new family better. From there I moved on to getting to know my immediate neighbors and locality well. I took my time to settle down before I started working again and exploring the city as a whole.

    This steady pace gave me the time to appreciate the positives—the final step.

    5. Appreciate everything you’ve gained.

    I began to notice that making the change had opened up a whole new world to me. This was a great opportunity to meet new people and to discover new places!

    Quitting my well-paying job—something that I dreaded before—became a blessing in disguise. I had always wanted to be a learning and development professional; however, I had been working as a marketing executive.

    Quitting my job in marketing in order to shift to the new city, though unpleasant, had now given me the perfect opportunity to make the desired shift in my career as well.

    A happy family life, a dream job, and the time to pursue my interest in writing—these are the greatest gifts that I have received as a result of making this change.

    When we begin to see the good that is the outcome of the change, we know that we have been successful in making a transition.

    Change can be unpleasant, uninvited, and unwanted. But every change opens a door to possibilities that can leave us pleasantly surprised. Whether or not we can take advantage of it depends on how we approach the new situation we find ourselves in.

    The best part about being human is that we have the ability to adapt consciously—by altering the situation that we are in or by adjusting to the circumstances. When seen through these lenses, change is not something to be feared and avoided. Rather, it becomes a tool for growth and self-development.

    We can make change work for us.

    Photo by Alaskan Dude

  • Helping Others Helps Us All: We’re All in This Together

    Helping Others Helps Us All: We’re All in This Together

    breaching

    “Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene

    I, like many of you I’m guessing, am a wanderer. A student of the soul. At times it can be a bewildering path. Most days I give thanks for the adventure. Many others I wish for clarity and certainty.

    But though I am a wanderer, I am not aimless: I have a path as deep and true as any other. I simply have no map to guide me, only my intuition, and the myriad teachers that cross my path: people, places, books, ideas, synchronicities.

    I have learned to trust my inner senses. When I am on my path, my life feels good and right; off it, I am aware that I am scrambling through the undergrowth and finding my way at the edge of cliffs.

    For a long while I wondered what this path actually was. What was it that defined some actions as “right” for my soul direction, and others “wrong”? Especially when many of them seemed to appear synchronistically, out of the blue, and were counterintuitive.

    The idea of a “path,” or what Lao Tzu calls “the Way,” works for me.

    It’s as though there is a channel through life that is “right” for each of us to take. An invisible highway of least resistance in the midst of white noise, which resonates at the same frequency that we do and seems to draw us forward, exerting some sort of magnetic pull.

    When we are on it everything makes sense, we find flow better, we feel right in ourselves, we have a sense of something larger than our own small ambitions guiding us.

    I have begun to see that the path, this invisible pull to our souls, is in fact our own personal way to wholeness: our own unique healing prescription.

    Our path, I have learned, takes us through the experiences, thoughts, and meetings that will heal every aspect of our selves, even, and especially, those that are hidden from our conscious awareness.

    The words “whole” and “heal” come from the same root. To reach wholeness, we must heal from the wounds and distorted vision that life and our perceptions have wrought on us.

    Therefore, each healing path must be unique, as each of our woundings is unique. And yet they each share many similarities, because in the end we are all humans and our stories cross over.

    This is the part that many of us miss. We are so focused on “finding me,” on healing ourselves, that we walk on our individual paths looking down at our feet. We forget the fellow travellers around us. And this is where our ability to fully heal is lost, because we cannot do it alone.

    The emphasis in Western medicine, the self-help and personal development movements is very much on the individual. “You’re the most important thing in your life” messages have trumped the greater truth, which is that we are tribal creatures and herding mammals.

    We are only as strong as our weakest members. The fate of us all lies in all our hands.

    If you see a group of migrating birds, a shoal of fish, or a herd of wildebeest, there is a constant communication going on between them. They move as one, navigating canyons and predators.

    They listen for the calls of others, and they listen to the instinct within. Both guide and steer them. Both have equal weight. But the overriding aim is to find the path and stay on it together, to find the safe way, the yielding way together—to get through together.

    One day last week, feeling frustrated at myself and the seemingly disparate roles that I could not quite reconcile, I had a realization of immense clarity; I could not let go of any of them because they were all actually different facets of the same thing: healing.

    The internal guidance system that leads my work as a writer, teacher, editor, and artist; my roles as mother, daughter, partner, and friend, are all one big journey of healing myself, and sharing that process with others for their own healing.

    My instinct to heal and to help others heal are equally strong driving forces that determine my whole life.

    This is what I love about all of my heroes: their dedication to healing, and their willingness to reflect on their pain and share what they have learned.

    Then I zoomed out and saw it from a much larger perspective—that this is some human instinct, a basic herd instinct—the need to help to heal the herd, to keep us all together, all moving in the same direction. 

    Like the race that an African tribe does, the aim of which is not who wins or runs longest or fastest, but that everyone finishes together.

    Sue Monk Kidd reflects on this herd healing in her beautiful book, Dance of the Dissident Daughter.

    She recalls watching a nature program about whales and seeing these behemoths throwing themselves out of the water and crashing down on their backs.

    The narrator shared that naturalists believe that breaching, as it is called, might be their way of communicating when the seas get rough. A spectacular way of creating strong vibrations in the water, marking their route so that the others in their group would not get lost.

    She reflects on how women do this too, an example that I feel applies to all humans:

    “Women must have the whale’s instinct. When we set out on a woman’s journey we are often swimming in a high and unruly sea, and we seem to know that the important thing is to swim together—to send out our vibrations, our stories, so that no one gets lost.”

    So here we are, the waters are rising on this precious Earth of ours, the storm waves crashing. Many of our global population are tired, have lost our bearings. But the instinct is strong. Many of us who are aware of the need for healing are calling out, breaching: “This way, this way!” we call.

    We share our stories, show our healing, so that others might find their way onto the path of healing too. So that person by person, community by community, country by country we might find a better way to live. So that we can find healing for our whole herd, and a path, a way through.

    Sometimes I doubt myself. I wonder why I do my work. But now I know. I do it for me just as much as I do it for you.

    I speak or paint or write or dance with One Billion Rising, because I am adding my vibration, which is the most basic thing I can give. Because I yearn to the depths of my soul to be healed. To be free from suffering. To see those I love and those I don’t know free from suffering too.

    So I ask you, every time you feel the instinct rise, like a whale breaching in the center of your soul, with the urge to reach out and share words of love, gratitude, kindness, forgiveness, appreciation, hope, and healing, do it.

    Every time you feel the desire to give a stroke, kiss, hug, gift, or smile, but you think it makes no difference, or that you don’t have time, do it.

    It matters. More than you could ever know.

    In fact, it’s really the only thing that does.

    Photo by Nesbitt Photo

  • 10 Simple Ways to Make the World a Better Place

    10 Simple Ways to Make the World a Better Place

    young volunteer woman caring for elderly woman

    “As one person I cannot change the world, but I can change the world of one person.” ~Paul Shane Spear

    I have always wanted to change the world.

    I remember being four years old, sitting glued to the television on Sunday mornings, not watching cartoons, but utterly captivated by World Vision. I cried about the injustices in the world, and begged my mother to let me sponsor Maria, the girl with the large, sad eyes who was around my age.

    My mom patiently tried to explain to me that we couldn’t afford to send her money. I couldn’t understand, since we seemed to live in luxury compared to Maria.

    Having been raised in a middle-class community of about 800 people in rural Newfoundland, I had never seen a stark divide between the rich and the poor. We all seemed to be the same to my four-year-old eyes.

    My heart broke for Maria, and all of the other children on the show. I vowed to myself that someday, I was going to help people like her.

    Throughout my childhood, I told everyone that I wanted to change the world. Many didn’t take me seriously. They’d say, “One person can’t change anything.”

    Still, I knew I wanted to make a positive difference by helping people, animals, and the environment.

    I started volunteering in elementary school, and became a vegetarian at the age of 13.

    People asked, “Why bother? You know, that cow isn’t going to come back to life because you aren’t going to eat it.” And they very often said, “It won’t make a difference.”

    I tried to explain that every action counted, and that we all had to make small efforts or nothing would ever change.

    As time went on, people around me began to criticize less, and many friends and family members decided to try some of the things I was advocating.

    Each time I did something to make a positive impact, it left me wanting to do more.

    You may think that you need to be a world leader or a billionaire in order to make a difference.

    I always believed that being a good person is about the small things. It’s about how you treat other people, not how many people you have power over.

    If you’d like to make the world a better place, but aren’t sure how to fit it into your busy life, these ideas may help:

    1. Volunteer.

    Volunteering doesn’t have to consume all of your free time. You can volunteer as few hours as you would like! You can find an organization within your community, or you can even volunteer online, through websites that will allow you to help for even a few minutes at a time.

    2. Donate blood.

    This can be one of the most satisfying ways to make a difference. You can literally save a life with just an hour of your time.

    3. Donate used clothing.

    There are so many places and ways you can donate your used clothing. Some organizations even offer pick up services, Donate them to a homeless shelter, or an organization that sells them to raise funds.

    4. Foster an animal.

    This can be such a rewarding experience. If you’re able to part with the foster animals, they leave a hole in your heart, but fostering your next pet helps fill it, and you will be making a difference in the lives of so many animals in need.

    5. Spread the word about various causes in your community.

    See an interesting fundraiser that an organization is hosting? Share it on Facebook! See an animal that’s up for adoption? Share it. There are so many ways you can help an organization with just the click of a mouse.

    6. Donate something you made to an organization that can use it.

    I make jewelry, hats, scarves, and other crafty things in my free time. I’ve donated many hats and scarves to homeless shelters, and donate jewelry to a cat rescue organization for them to sell or auction to raise funds. You have talents—use them!

    7. Join a bone marrow registry.

    It’s incredibly easy to sign up to donate bone marrow, and you never know when you could save a life.

    8. Spread some kindness.

    Small acts of kindness can go a long way in making the world a better place. Think about a time when someone did something unexpected for you that brightened your day. Weren’t you a nicer person for the rest of the day because of that?

    I’m willing to bet that anyone who receives an act of kindness passes it on in some way, even if it’s just by being in a better mood, and therefore treating the people around them with more kindness than usual.

    Send someone a kind message. Give a small gift. Make something for someone. Tell someone how much they mean to you. There are so many ways to brighten someone’s day.

    9. Change your diet.

    Many people will argue with the validity of this strategy to improve the world; however, what you buy reflects what you value.

    If you don’t want to become a vegetarian, try having one meat-free day per week. If you don’t want to reduce your meat consumption, how about buying some free range meat or eggs? Or, buy organic food products. There are many ways you can change your diet to reflect your values.

    10. Make your purchases support your values.

    Every purchase you make supports something. You can either support a large business that exploits people, animals, and the environment, or you can buy items that are local, organic, or fair-trade. It’s hard to change this all at once, especially if you’re used to shopping for bargains, but try changing just a few of your purchases to make them better reflect the things you value.

    These are just a handful of the thousands of ways you can make the world a better place! Just remember that every single thing you do makes a difference. Don’t ever let anyone—yourself included—discourage you from trying to be a better person and help others.

    Photo by Dave Bezaire & Susi Havens-Bezaire

  • Introducing Tiny Buddha’s Community Forums!

    Introducing Tiny Buddha’s Community Forums!

    Tiny Buddha 2

    After much time and planning with Joshua Denney of Think Web Strategy, I’m thrilled to announce that Tiny Buddha now has a new responsive design and community forums!

    The new design enables for a better reading experience on mobile devices, and also gives you access to forum-related information right on the homepage.

    Why Join The Tiny Buddha Community Forums?

    The forums are a place to connect with the community, to share ideas, and to give and receive support. You’ll find topics related to:

    • Art
    • Crafts
    • Emotional Mastery
    • Fun
    • Health & Fitness
    • Parenting
    • Purpose
    • Relationships
    • Spirituality
    • Tough Times
    • Work

    Since site authors officially started using the forums two days ago, there are already quite a few conversations going on over there. I hope you’ll set up a free account to join one or start your own!

    To Set a Free Account on the Tiny Buddha Forums

    1. Click on the “Join the Forums” link at the top right-hand corner of the site.

    2. On the register page, enter a username, your name, your email address, and your password, and then hit “complete sign up.”

    3. You will receive a confirmation email to verify your account. Once you’ve done that…

    4. Login at http://www.tinybuddha.com/login

    Once you’re logged in, you can use the forum link in the main menu, at the top of the site, or check out on some of the popular forum conversations listed on the new homepage.

    Since this is a new site feature, there may be some bugs. If you notice any issues, please let us know in the technical support section, here: http://dev.tinybuddha.com/forum/site-feedback-support/technical-support/

    Thank you for being part of the Tiny Buddha community! 🙂

  • Finding What We’re Missing: Our Lives Are Already Complete

    Finding What We’re Missing: Our Lives Are Already Complete

    Searching

    “Each day is a journey, and the journey itself is home.” ~Basho

    What does family mean? Is it the people whose genes you share? Is it the people that you grew up with? Is it the people who love you unconditionally in spite of your faults and flaws?

    Family for me has been an evolving idea. I was adopted from Seoul, Korea when I was four months old. After a few months in an orphanage, family started off simply as the people I grew up with.

    Raised in South Central Pennsylvania with a Caucasian family in an area where diversity was lacking, to say the least, I remember receiving looks from some people when my older sister introduced me as her baby sister. They would tilt their heads to the side and say, “Are you sure?”

    Adding insult to injury, my adopted mother passed away when I was thirteen after years of complicated health issues. She was the most vocal about how much she loved me, wanted me, and protected me when she caught anyone directing their fearful insecurities my way.

    Losing her was one of the most difficult experiences I’ve ever had to deal with. Losing my best friend after a cliff diving accident in college was the next. The two people who embodied family and home for me were gone.

    I spent many years angry, bitter, and confused as to why my biological family gave me away only for me to land in a family where I would experience a death nearly every other year from the time I was five years old, along with many other traumas and heartbreaks. (more…)