Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • 4 Powerful Questions to Free You from the Daze of Fear and Inaction

    4 Powerful Questions to Free You from the Daze of Fear and Inaction

    Deep Thought

    “The lives we lead have everything to do with the questions we ask ourselves.” ~Lori Deschene

    You lay in bed night after night, tossing and turning, eager to push forward but unable to shake off the onslaught of what-ifs.

    What if I’m making a huge mistake? What if I fail utterly and miserably? What if I’m overestimating my ability to go through with this? What-if…? What-if…?

    Yet, no matter how crazy your anxiety and fears seem right now, you can snap out of it and make that new start you so desperately desire.

    How do I know?

    Let me tell you a little story…

    The Grand Decision to Quit a Great Job

    Two years ago, on a day that started like any other, I got an unexpected call from my husband from the hospital. “Don’t worry. They just want to run some tests before letting me go,” he said.

    He ended up having a four-hour emergency procedure followed by complications that landed him in the ICU for four days. Then a week of recuperation at home, followed by another mad dash to the emergency room.

    We needed weeks to get back to the “new” normal. Slowly the truth sunk in—my husband will likely live to a ripe old age, but he has a chronic condition and we’ll always have an invisible sword hanging over our heads.

    Something in me changed irrevocably after that incident.

    I set out on a crazy journey that has transformed into a complete overhaul of our lives. Part of the change process was my decision to quit the job that paid well, but sapped the life out of me.

    I planned every waking hour to discover an alternate way to earn a modest livelihood while living a life of purpose. I saved diligently and prepared my family and friends for what was to come.

    Then, ever so slowly, it was time. I set a date to resign.

    The Moment of Truth

    It took me two years from the time of my husband’s hospitalization to get to this point. You’d think I’d be excited and thrilled, right?

    Instead, an intense anxiety attack seized me. It took me completely by surprise. I couldn’t sleep. A slew of what-ifs threatened to wash away my resolute decision.

    In desperation, I brought it up with my mentor Jon Morrow. Jon got me to ask myself a few questions that finally snapped me out of the paralyzing grip of fear and anxiety.

    Question 1: Be a pessimist for five minutes. What’s the worst that can happen?

    My first reaction was: Why, the world will come to an end!

    But even in my crazy, anxious state, that sounded too dramatic and exaggerated. So, I tackled the what-ifs.

    I could be making a big mistake. But I’d still have my resume, work experience, and the good relationship with my (soon to be ex-) colleagues. If it was indeed a mistake, I could always go back and get a regular job. A little humbling, but not quite the end of the world.

    I’ll fail utterly and miserably. At making money—possibly, yes. But with other things—like trying to become a better person, a better parent, and creating a better world starting with my family first—there’s no failing. As for the money, again I could just go back to a regular job. Nowhere near the end of the world.

    I’m overestimating my ability to go through with this. OK, that’s just whining. Enough, already!

    So, ask yourself: What if all your what-ifs came true? What is the worst that can happen?

    Question 2: What will happen if you don’t make the change?

    I suddenly had this vision of a rich bride on the way to the altar to marry a poor bloke she desperately loved, get married, and live happily ever after in a tiny cottage, wearing the same two gingham dresses all her life—or bolt back to the comfort of her rich parents but be wretched for the rest of her life.

    Frankly, neither option looked very enticing.

    But if I had to make a choice, I think I would rather go ahead with the marriage. I could always spruce up that cottage and, heck, maybe even make a fine fashion accessory with the hay from the barn. Or something.

    So, ask yourself: Why did you want to make the change in the first place? What do you stand to lose if you don’t make the change?

    Question 3: What’s the real reason for your anxiety?

    I had no rational reason to feel anxious; I had covered pretty much all the bases.

    Or so I thought.

    As I dug deeper though, I realized my anxiety was essentially an identity crisis.

    I had spent the better part of the last 20 years being an engineer, and in the pursuit of making money.

    And here I was, on the verge of throwing that away. And with it, my old identity.

    While the rational part of me was okay with it, and even looking forward to it, a core part of me found it hard to let go.

    So, ask yourself: Are there any obvious reasons for your anxiety? If not, are there any underlying reasons that you may not have recognized yet?

    Question 4: What little step can you take now to get started?

    I knew switching my identities overnight was unrealistic. So, I took steps to slowly ease into my new identity.

    I took two days off each week and on those days, I wrote articles for blogs that I admired (just like this one) and interacted with their audiences. This let me test-drive being a blogger—my new identity—without actually having my own blog.

    I immersed myself in books on self-help and parenting, the topic of my future blog.

    I interacted with other bloggers through comments, emails, forums, and Facebook groups.

    And with each passing week, my anxiety shrank.

    So, ask yourself: What can you do right now to see the other side of change, in spite of the anxiety? Who can you reach out to that can help you quiet the negative inner voice?

    Finally, at the end of March, I walked into my manager’s office and handed in my two weeks’ notice. I felt calm. I felt in control. We had a nice chat and wished each other luck.

    Bottom Line

    In the end it all comes down to one thing: change isn’t easy.

    Despite your best-laid plans, you will have a few very low points. Your chances of success are often a result of how well you respond to them.

    This—the fear, the anxiety and the panic of starting—is just one of the low points.

    If you can beat this fear, you will not just succeed at making a new start now, but you’ll significantly improve your chances of surviving through all the future lows.

    So, what’s it going to be? Ready to ask yourself some tough questions?

    After all, what’s the worst that could happen?

    Photo by Chang’r

  • 8 Ways to Discover Your Passion and Live a Life You Love

    8 Ways to Discover Your Passion and Live a Life You Love

    “Don’t worry about what the world needs.  Ask what makes you come alive and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman

    I didn’t spend two years and $100,000 for a master’s degree in counseling from an Ivy League university so that I could be miserable and hate my life fifty hours a week, but that’s what happened.

    After a few years in the trenches of the non-profit world, my job had become so emotionally draining that it was taking a vicious toll on my health and causing gripping anxiety attacks. I felt exhausted more often than not, and I was scrambling to find scraps of happiness in my previously joy-filled life.

    When I took the time to listen, my inner monologue sounded something like this:

    “You know you’re not doing what you love. Your life lacks a deeper meaning, and you have no idea what you’re really passionate about. What in the world are you doing with your life?”

    I wanted to do more, but I had no idea which path I wanted to take. I felt confused, stuck, and worst of all, embarrassed by my lack of direction. I was treading water as I waited for a sign as to what my next step should be.

    As the months continued to pass, I became more aware of how I was wasting time. I saw my life passing me by, leaving me only with regrets and “what ifs.”

    Finally, I was brutally honest with myself about my unhappiness and I embarked on some serious soul-searching. I asked myself tough questions and learned what it felt like to be authentically me. I discovered that my unhappiness was rooted in my lack of passion and I slowly began taking control.

    Six months later, I launched my own coaching business. A year later, I quit my job, reclaimed my life, and I have never been happier.

    But that doesn’t mean everything fell into place perfectly.

    Even though I had been building my own business for several months before I left my job, I was still scared. I didn’t know if I would be able to support myself financially or if my business would be sustainable.

    In order to build up my savings, there were months of saying no to happy hours and weekend brunch dates, moving in with a friend to decrease my rent, and cutting corners to save every dollar possible.

    Following my passion was emotionally challenging and a leap of faith, but I never worried about making the “wrong” choice because I knew I didn’t want to be unhappy any longer, and that was more important to me than any paycheck.

    It is terrifying when you feel like your life has no purpose or direction, but finding your passion can change all that. Finding your passion is like finding your personal road map. When you know what your passion is, you feel motivated, inspired, and so much clearer about what your next step should be.

    8 Ways to Discover Your Passion and Live a Life You Love

    1. Slow down.

    When we slow down, we are able to tap into the best version of ourselves, which is most often when we find the answers we’ve been searching for. This might mean practicing yoga, going for daily walks, or setting aside time each day to meditate. Slowing down allows you to quiet the outside voices and listen to yourself.

    2. Change your story.

    We all tell ourselves stories about who we are, what we’re capable of, and what we deserve. If we can identify our self-limiting stories (I’m not good enough; I don’t deserve to be happy, etc.), then we can begin writing new stories that are grounded in confidence and courage, and map out actions that move us from one to the other.

    3. Own your uniqueness.

    We are here for a reason. No one else has your unique blend of talents, wisdom, strengths, skills, and creativity. We all have something great to offer, and learning to accept and own what makes you unique is crucial to sharing your gifts with the world.

    4. Cultivate confidence.

    If we are continually telling ourselves we can’t, then we will never believe we can. There is a chance you may fail, but it will be impossible to succeed if you don’t believe in yourself. You can create affirmations, focus on the things you want, or make a vision board that shows your future success.

    5. Find the themes.

    Recognizing the recurring themes in our lives creates a pattern for us to either follow or change. What themes or lessons seem to constantly surface in your life? What are you drawn to again and again? What areas of life seem to be full of discomfort and pain? What areas are full of joy and light?

    6. Write.

    Ideas flow more freely when we write without an agenda. New inspiration may appear unexpectedly and it becomes easier to connect the dots. Spend a few minutes of quality time each day with a pen and paper allowing yourself to process your thoughts without influence from the outside world.

    7. Focus on the fun.

    Too often we get wrapped up in the expectations we set for ourselves. We focus on the details and the to-do lists instead of what is most important. What do you love to do? What makes you smile? If money were limitless, what would you be doing today?

    8. Push past fear.

    It’s so seductive to tell ourselves that we’ll go after what we want when we have more experience, more money, or more time, but the truth is, that will never happen. We must identify these excuses as masks for our fear. It’s only when we get clear on our fears and recognize how they are holding us back that we can begin moving forward.

  • People We Don’t Like: When Others Push Our Buttons

    People We Don’t Like: When Others Push Our Buttons

    I have a confession to make: there’s someone I know who I really don’t like.

    I know this isn’t exactly front-page news. It’s not like I’m the first person to ever dislike someone else. But this situation has brought me face to face with all my strongest relationship triggers.

    I find it incredibly difficult to do all the things I’ve written about when it comes to this person. Let’s call him Harry. (I’ve never in my life met a single person named Harry, but let’s just roll with it.)

    I regularly find myself wanting to judge Harry before giving him the benefit of the doubt—even though I know I’d want that courtesy if I did the things he did. But that line of thought brings me back to judgment, because I remind myself, “I would never do the things he does.”

    I find it easy to suspect him of poor intentions and conclude that maybe “he’s just a jerk,” even though I know that I get to decide what meaning to give his actions, and I also know that things are rarely black and white.

    In dealing with Harry—and perhaps more importantly, my reactions to him—I’ve found myself considering three important questions:

    • We’re always talking about letting go of judgments; is it possible that sometimes, someone is just a jerk?
    • Is it judgmental to decide someone’s actions are “wrong” when you feel strongly opposed to them?
    • Just because we know there are emotional triggers influencing our response to someone, does that mean they shouldn’t be accountable for their actions?

    I’ve decided to break these down, one by one, to see what there is to learn in this situation.

    We’re always talking about letting go of judgments; is it possible that sometimes, someone is just a jerk?

    I’ve wanted to use this label for Harry because of assumptions I’ve formed about his behavior: that he thinks he’s better than other people; that he’s really selfish, despite pretending to be caring and well-intentioned; and that all of this amounts to unfairness.

    When I break this down, I realize the “he thinks he’s better than me” assumption goes back to my childhood experiences with being bullied, when I felt inferior to most of my peers—and their actions seemed to reinforce that.

    The “he’s selfish” belief is a projection of my own fear that I’m actually a selfish person (something I’ve wrestled with all my life, no matter how giving I try to be).

    And the conclusion about “unfairness” relates to my life-long aversion to all things unjust—both a response to my childhood and a natural human reaction.

    When I pull it all apart like this, I realize I’m having a strong emotional reaction based on lots of things that aren’t solely related to him.

    So my desire to sum my feelings up with one harsh label isn’t only about his actions. It’s also about my past experience.

    And when I really think about it, whenever I’ve wanted to label anyone as a “jerk” (or something stronger), I’ve dealt with these same (and other related) triggers.

    That doesn’t mean no one has ever done anything to justify my anger. It’s just that usually, when I feel unable to access even a shred of understanding or compassion, it’s because there are strong layers of resistance, reinforced by years of my own pain, in the way.

    I suspect that’s true for most of us: the more tempting it feels to give someone one reductionist label, the deeper and more complex the triggers.

    This brings me to the next question…

    Is it judgmental to decide someone’s actions are “wrong” when you feel strongly opposed to them?

    While I realize there’s a lot more contributing to my feelings than his actions, that doesn’t change that I don’t agree with everything he says and does.

    Once I peel away the layers of my complex response to him, I can then objectively ask myself, “Which of the choices he makes don’t feel right for me?”

    This isn’t judgment—it’s discernment. It’s forming an assessment without the emotional weight behind it. And it’s essential to maintaining my own moral compass and forming boundaries within my relationships.

    That means I don’t need to label him anymore. Instead I can say, “I wouldn’t make the choices as he makes, and I don’t want someone in my life who makes them.”

    It’s not about me deciding he’s a “bad person” and, therefore, feeling better than him; it’s about me realizing he’s a bad match for a friendship and then feeling better about the situation.

    The positive consequence: I give him far less power over me and my emotions. He’s not wrong—just wrong for me.

    And then that brings me to the last question…

    Just because we know that someone’s actions trigger us, does that mean they shouldn’t be accountable for their actions?

    Now that I’ve accepted responsibility for my reaction to him, and acknowledged that his choices can make him “wrong” for a friendship with me without making him universally “wrong,” I no longer need to “hold him accountable.”

    But if I were to want to maintain a friendship with him, I’d have two choices: accept him as he is, or share my reactions to his choices and let him into my process.

    I know from past experience that people rarely respond well when they feel judged or attacked.

    But people sometimes surprise us when we explain how we feel in response to the things they do—not because they’re responsible for our feelings, but because they care about them.

    And if they don’t care, well, this brings us back to the first two parts: It doesn’t make them jerks. It just gives us a reason to be discerning about whether or not we want to care about them.

    So where has all this left me? I’m going to continue peeling away the layers of my issues around others “being better than me” and my fears of “being selfish.” And I’m going to silently thank Harry for reminding me to continue doing this work.

    Then I’m going to stop communicating with him. Because as much as I value the gifts he’s given me, I value myself enough to realize he’s given a lot more that I don’t want to receive.

    Have you ever felt a strong reaction to someone else and realized it had a lot to do with your own triggers?

  • Why We Need to Accept That Some People Just Won’t Like Us

    Why We Need to Accept That Some People Just Won’t Like Us

    “If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.” ~Maya Angelou

    I’ve been a world-class worrier about what other people would think about me for a long time.

    The clothes, the hair, the shoes. The books I read, the movies I liked, the music I listened to. The hobbies, the people I hung out with. The things I liked and the things I disliked.

    They all got scrutinized under the “am I doing the right thing?” filter.

    Am I being exactly the right amount of cool? Am I being reasonable and responsible? Am I being interesting enough?

    It was a full-time job, making sure I was being the “right” version of me.

    It was time-consuming. It was energy-consuming. It was draining.

    I was going through the motions of living a life that looked great. But without realizing it, I became more and more absent in my own life.

    What were the clothes that I really liked? What were the books that I really loved? What were the hobbies that could really make my heart sing and soul soar?

    Those became tough questions to answer. Those became questions I forgot to ask myself. Those became questions I stopped asking myself.

    Instead, I did the next logical, reasonable thing. Instead, I was busy reading other people’s minds to figure out what they liked. Instead, I did my best to be the flawless perfect version of me.

    Because that’s what happens when we believe that we will be happy once everybody likes us. When we believe that everybody will like us once we are perfect. When we believe that it’s possible and vital to our happiness to make everybody like us.

    I’ve learned that it doesn’t work like that. It’s not possible to make everybody like us. And it sure is not vital to our happiness. Quite the contrary.

    When we believe that we will be happy when everybody likes us, we work hard to make everybody like us.

    So we figure out who we think we’re supposed to be. We figure out the “right” things to do and the “right” way of doing things. We figure out the “right” amount of being quiet or outgoing, the “right” amount of being enthusiastic or cool, the “right” amount of being interested or bored. We figure out the “right” things to have and “right” things not to have.

    And slowly but inevitably, we turn ourselves into some manufactured version of ourselves. The “right” version. The “perfect” version.

    Even that “right” and “perfect” version cannot guarantee everybody liking us. There will still be people thinking we’re too quiet or too outgoing. There will still be people thinking we’re boring and stupid. There will still be people thinking we’re uncool and ridiculous.

    And that leaves us feeling scattered and alone, lost and insecure, small and lacking.

    Because our only conclusion can be that we’re doing it wrong. That there’s something wrong with us.

    So we resolve to work even harder to be flawlessly perfect and to do the “right” thing at the “right” time in the “right” way even better.

    The thing is that even that “right” and “perfect” version cannot guarantee everybody liking us…

    See the vicious circle coming?

    The irony is that even when people do like us, hang out with us, approve of us, we still feel disconnected and alone—because we’ve unknowingly and unwillingly gotten out of touch with ourselves.

    We are working hard to hang out with people that don’t get us. We are working hard to do things that we pretend energize us, but that, in truth, drain us. We are working hard to be someone we are not, never sure we’re “doing it right.”

    Was I too loud? Too quiet? Too thoughtful? Too outgoing? Too polite? Too harsh?

    We’re always second-guessing ourselves, eating away at our confidence.

    Not everybody will like us. Accepting that creates space for happiness to come into our lives. Accepting that creates space for us to be who we truly are.

    It allows us to hang out with people who get us, because we are willing to alienate people that don’t.

    To do things that inspire us and make us feel fulfilled from the inside out, because we are willing to be seen as boring and stupid by people that don’t get what we’re doing.

    To connect with people over something that genuinely inspires them and us, because we are willing to be seen as silly and crazy by others who don’t feel the same way about it.

    That’s a win for us.  And a win for them. Because we both get to spend time with people that are a great fit. And it’s a win for the world.

    When we allow ourselves to be who we truly are, we get to share our unique message with the world.

    We use our talents instead of hiding them because they’re “not right.”

    We use our voice instead of shutting ourselves down because we might say the “wrong” thing.

    We use our style instead of copying theirs.

    We use our ideas instead of figuring out what they’d think.

    We create our own brilliant unique work, which only we can bring into the world.

    Not for everyone to like, but to delight some, who will love it. Need it. Crave it. Get inspired by it.

    And to delight ourselves, making our heart sing and soul soar.

    We thrive and feel fulfilled, from the inside out.

    And all that happens because we were willing to upset some.

    Who are you willing to upset?

  • Buddha Doodles: Authentic Interaction

    Buddha Doodles: Authentic Interaction

    Buddha_Doodles_Authentic_MollyHahn

    Source: Buddha Doodles

  • Overcoming the Fear of Taking a Risk: Just Do It

    Overcoming the Fear of Taking a Risk: Just Do It

    Jumping

    “Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” ~Isabelle Allende

    About eight months ago I hitched a ride to Buenos Aires, Argentina via a one way ticket with the love of my life. It wasn’t as easy as it sounds. I wasn’t throwing things in my suitcase and cashing out my bank account while kissing friends and family goodbye, sayin’ “See ya!”

    My boyfriend and I were recent graduates at wits end suffering economic woes with no place to go. We had always wanted to go abroad to teach English, but weren’t sure where we’d end up.

    At one o’clock in the morning after an argument over my apprehension, I just told him to book the tickets and I’d feel better.

    Well, I thought I’d feel better. We finally booked our long anticipated flight. Champagne wasn’t popped and confetti didn’t cascade to the floor. I sat on the bed wondering why I felt so petrified to go. It had been a childhood dream of mine to travel abroad.

    It was rather terrifying, and for the first time in my life I was afraid of an adventure.

    Surprisingly, as I looked at our online itinerary my stomach sank. Nausea filled my days when I looked around knowing I was going to leave everything I knew.

    I rationalized every excuse to get out of going but I reminded myself to persevere and that everything would work out. But the questions still popped up in my mind.

    Was I making a mistake? Was this risk going to be worth every penny and hardship?

    The night before our flight my stomach was curling into knots and my mind was a twisted mess. I tried telling myself to calm down and to just take the risk. I knew that if I could just get my butt into my window seat that everything would be fine. But even then my fear didn’t subside.

    It wasn’t until the plane took off that I realized I had done it. I was twenty thousand miles in the air, and nine hours ahead of me was awaiting an entirely different world. But the fear was ever present. After a week of being a tourist, the fear remained hidden under a layer of excitement.

    I couldn’t sleep, I was thousands of miles from home, only able to utter a few phrases in Spanish that I remembered from middle school.

    I stayed in the apartment as much as possible because I was afraid to go out and communicate with others, let alone take a bus by myself and get lost some bad part of town.

    With time, the fear slowly dissolved, the unfamiliar became familiar. We found jobs and an apartment within three weeks of arrival, a blessing considering we had no idea what we’d do when we got there. I had kept on despite my reluctance and faked a smile when I wanted to scream and run.

    Everything worked out because I kept a positive affirmation despite the fear.

    Many of my friends made excuses for themselves by letting me know how easy it was for me to just up and leave to a foreign country because of my circumstances, especially having a boyfriend who spoke fluent Spanish.

    Yes, some of the opportunities I was afforded made the journey easier, but we worked our butts off, sold everything we owned, and packed up our few belongings into plastic bins.

    My boyfriend, who is an optimist, was ecstatic and I looked calm because I wanted everyone else to believe that I was confident in my decision to up and leave.

    From most people’s expressions and comments they didn’t believe we’d commit to actually boarding the plane, but I surprised everyone and even myself when I handed the boarding pass to the attendant and shook the pilots hand as I entered the plane.

    The fear crippled my mind, but my legs managed to carry me to my seat.

    Of Course There Will Be Doubt

    Despite my crippling fear, sleepless nights, and fake demeanor, I knew deep down that I needed to take the risk; after all, that’s why it’s called a risk. Of course as with any life changing decision, you will doubt yourself.

    You think Neil and Buzz weren’t freaking out before they got into an eight-ton firecracker that was going to take three days to get to the moon? They didn’t even know if they’d sink elbow deep in moon dust, but they took one small step for man, and an even greater leap for mankind.

    I am sure that despite the years of preparation and endless simulations, they still had a sleepless night before one of humanity’s biggest risks.

    Most people who take risks are kidding themselves if they don’t doubt themselves a teeny tiny bit. So do yourself a favor and take one small step toward your goal despite your apprehensions and gut-wrenching fear.

    Fake It Until You Make It

    Like I did, and so many other risk takers do, you have to fake it until you make it. It sounds cliché but it holds a boatload of truth. Use reverse psychology on yourself. You’re your own worst enemy. Tell yourself and others that you are confident about taking the risk and notice how your apprehension will dissolve.

    Nurture the Positives, not the Fear

    Print out some pictures of your risk and tape them on your ceiling so when you wake up with cold sweats, you can remind yourself that you are going to do what it is that you set out to do. I put pictures of Patagonia as my desktop screensaver to remind me of the beauty I would experience in Argentina.

    Write a pros list and forget the cons. Focus on the major pros. Cons can always be worked through.

    Whether it is lack of money, not knowing the language, being thousands of miles away from home, I knew that it was what I had always wanted to do and I could find money by selling all my things, or start learning basic phrases or use Skype to talk to friends and family. There is a positive to every negative.

    No Excuses: Just Do It

    Even worse, don’t make excuses about why you shouldn’t do it. Nowadays, we make excuses for everything. I’m too busy, I don’t have the money, or I don’t want to disappoint others. Make every excuse why you should do it.

    Despite my crippling fear which gave me many sleepless nights, I stuck with it and kept telling myself “We already bought the tickets.” Like the Nike slogan, I needed to “Just Do It.” Perpetual excuses will pour from your mouth, but remember fear shouldn’t be a chain holding you back.

    Don’t let fear paralyze you; close your eyes and imagine that everything will work out.

    Don’t expect the unexpected and focus on what could go well. Just as life will have its highs and lows, taking a risk comes with excitement and terror. Fear is only natural when taking a risk. So go on! Jump out of that plane (with a parachute of course) into the world of your dreams.

    Photo by _overanalyzer

  • When Your Inner Critic Stifles Your Creativity: 4 Helpful Truths

    When Your Inner Critic Stifles Your Creativity: 4 Helpful Truths

    painting

    “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” ~Steve Furtick

    We live in an artistically enriched country. The world is already full of all kinds of music, so much art, and so many books. With the Internet, you can experience art’s many forms at the click of a mouse.

    In my heart, I am an artist. Ever since I was a young girl, I have loved creating artwork. Writing stories, drawing illustrations, playing the piano, painting, sculpting…

    The unfortunate thing is that I am paralyzed—not in the medical sense. I have working limbs, imagination, training, experience, and the resources to “actualize my potential” as an artist. The thing I lack is confidence.

    I am crippled by my own self-doubt.

    When I was young, I didn’t seem to care about what other people thought. But the older I get, the more apprehensive I become. My fear of failure is greater than my fear of never creating anything ever again.

    All artists, to some extent, have a very tough self-standard. The fear of falling short of your expectations can easily prevent you to create, particularly if you lack confidence.

    Each time I see a beautiful painting, hear a moving song, come face to face with a realistic sculpture, or read an inspiring autobiography, I become immobilized. Instead of being stimulated by what I see, I get discouraged, and I am way less likely to create anything on my own. “The world doesn’t need anything else,” I think, “because it already has those.”

    “What do I have to offer to the world? Why would anyone want to hear my voice? What original, unique art can I possibly create that doesn’t already exist? I might as well give up…”

    I think this negativity comes from the bad habit of listening to my “inner critic” instead of focusing on “reality.”

    If I let the pessimistic thoughts of my inner critic control my life, then I would never become the artist I want to be. My inner critic loves to put down my individuality and threaten me with failure. I’ve come to the conclusion that my inner critic doesn’t want me to succeed.

    With that powerful information, each time I am tempted to belittle my individuality, I remember these four encouraging truths:

    1. I am me, and there is no one else who is me. No one else can create what I can create.

    2. Having courage doesn’t mean you’re not afraid. Having courage is taking action in spite of being afraid.

    3. Your imperfections are part of who you are and part of what makes you beautiful. Be proud of being you, even with all your flaws and failures.

    4. If you fail, so what! If you create art for the world, you will never be satisfied. Create art for yourself.

    I often repeat these things to myself when I am doubtful, when my inner critic is running the show and ruining my life.

    Becoming an individual artist can be very scary, especially if you have been paralyzed by fear for a long time. It’s comfortable to go along with the flow, to conform to the culture, and to continue on in the old ruts in road.

    However, there is extraordinary life beyond the paved road. There is a giant wood, a great green meadow, an infinite horizon, and countless things to explore. If you always live your life according to the norm, then you will be missing out.

    Life changing advice: You don’t have to believe what your inner critic tells you.

    Do you have the strength to swim against the flow, to be an individual, to create your own art? Maybe not right this moment, you think, but there is something you can do to help yourself out. You can retrain your thoughts and learn to control your inner critic to allow reality have a rightful place in your life.

    If I am experiencing an artist’s block, when I realize my inner critic has taken control, I take out a piece of paper and make two columns.

    One reads “inner critic,” and the other reads “reality.” Underneath each header, I make lists (kind of like a pros and cons sheet), distinguishing one thought from the other.

    One way to help determine which category to put your thoughts in is to listen to the tone of the thought’s voice (how you talk to yourself). If the tone is anxious, nervous, babbling, stereotypical, and offers you no way out, then it is your “inner critic.” If the tone is optimistic, unemotional, constructive, and practical then it is “realistic.”

    Below is an example of a recent list I made while having trouble finishing a painting:

    Inner Critic

    • You can’t do it; you are a “nobody.”
    • What if you make a mistake? No one will like you if you produce bad art.
    • You will never be famous. You’re ugly and fat; ugly and fat people cannot produce good art.
    • Artists are irresponsible. The world hates artists.

    Reality

    • I have artistic talent.
    • Sometimes I let perfect get in the way of good.
    • Most days I enjoy creating art.
    • I am loved no matter what I do, even if I am not perfect.
    • No else can be me; therefore, no one else can create what I can create.

    This mental exercise will take practice, but over time, you will begin to see positive results in your life and your creativity.

    At first, it will be difficult to distinguish your self-critic from reality, especially if you have obeyed your fears for a long time. If you try it, I guarantee that you will begin to enjoy a more nourishing, creatively enriched life in the process.

    I have been utilizing this practice for a while now. After the first few months, I didn’t have to make physical lists anymore; I could separate the thoughts in my head. Even though, I am still a long way off from where I want to be, I am a lot closer to my goal than I was before.

    What are some of your hurdles as an apprehensive artist? How do you overcome your obstacles?

    Photo by TinyTall

  • AJ’s Art Journal: Imperfection Is Beauty

    AJ’s Art Journal: Imperfection Is Beauty

    AJsArtJournal_ImperfectionIsBeauty

     Source

  • A Powerful Lesson in Self-Compassion: Are You Allergic to Honey?

    A Powerful Lesson in Self-Compassion: Are You Allergic to Honey?

    Smile

    “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~Dalai Lama

    When things don’t go as planned, is your go-to explanation that it’s because you did something wrong, or because there’s something wrong with you? For many people, self-compassion is a real challenge.

    Most of us want to be kinder to ourselves, but our self-critical, perfectionistic patterns are often well-established, and it’s hard to know how to interrupt them.

    When I was in graduate school, I was driving home from school one evening when I noticed that my car was overheating. Just as I arrived in front of my building, the engine stalled completely.

    It was 5pm on a Friday, I was blocking the bike lane, and traffic was backed up behind me. Two cars sped past beeping their horns, and then a cyclist turned and waved his fist as he rode around me. I flipped on my hazard lights.

    As I dialed Triple A, the self-critical thoughts and stories started to spin:

    “Why didn’t I notice earlier that the car was overheating? I should have had it serviced. If I had been more on top of things, this wouldn’t be happening.”

    I heard more car horns beeping as the woman at Triple A promised that a tow truck would be there within 30 minutes. After I thanked her and hung up, the self-critical stories resumed:

    “I’m in the way; inconveniencing everyone around me. I’m taking up too much space.”

    I was startled by a knock at the passenger window. A guy with a goatee and a beanie stood next to my car, and I suspected that he was going to give me a hard time for being double-parked. Reluctantly, I lowered the window.

    “Hey,” he said. “I work at the cafe right here—do you want a latte or a chai or something?”

    I stared at him, speechless, blinking through the beginnings of tears.

    “We’ve also got hot chocolate and tea,” he said.

    He actually meant it.

    “Oh,” I said. “Wow. Thank you. I’d love some chamomile tea.”

    “You got it,” he said and headed back to the cafe.

    I sat there, stunned. This experience did not fit into the story my inner critic had been telling. All of my self-criticism had been completely silenced by this stranger’s spontaneous impulse of kindness.

    Suddenly none of this was my fault; it was just something that was happening, and I could allow it. All the stories had been just that: stories.

    A few moments later he reappeared with the chamomile tea and handed it to me.

    “Here you go,” he said.

    “Thanks.” I pulled a couple of bills from my wallet.

    “Oh, no, don’t worry about it,” he said.

    “Really?”

    “Yeah,” he said.

    I looked at him and took the tea.

    “Thank you,” I said.

    “Hey, I’ve been there.”

    He tapped the passenger door twice as a goodbye. I put the window back up. The tea was too hot to drink, so I held the paper cup as it warmed my hands.

    I let it register some more: This wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t evidence of me having done something wrong. It was just something that was happening, and it could just be that.

    And what was so wrong about taking up space, anyway?

    I was startled again by another knock. He was back. I lowered the window.

    “Hey, are you allergic to honey?” he said.

    “Huh? Mmm, no.”

    “Oh, good. I put honey in it. I didn’t think to ask if you were allergic. If you are, I can make another one.”

    “Oh, no. I love honey. Thank you,” I said.

    “No worries, then.” And back to the coffee shop he went.

    I smiled and blinked through a few more tears. He had put honey in my tea without me even asking? This baffled my inner critic even more; it had nothing to say.

    I thought about how the self-critical stories had flared up as soon as I found myself in a challenging situation, how automatic it was for me to think that the coffee shop guy was there to criticize me, and how immediately the trance of self-judgment was broken by his act of kindness.

    In five minutes, he had given me a life-altering lesson in how compassion alchemizes criticism. He had no ulterior motive: he was simply being kind and generous, and he inspired me to be more kind and generous with myself.

    If you struggle with self-judgment, tuck this simple phrase into your back pocket.

    The next time you notice that critical thoughts are present, experiment with asking your inner judge, “Hey, are you allergic to honey?” It just might help you interrupt those all-to-familiar patterns, and start creating new, self-compassionate ones.

    Photo by Ashley Campbell Photography

  • Find the Courage to Be You: 4 Ways To Live Authentically

    Find the Courage to Be You: 4 Ways To Live Authentically

    Feeling Free

    “Live your beliefs and you can turn the world around.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    Authenticity is a buzzword these days. We hear all kinds of advice on how to live it, breathe it, and get more of it. Maybe this is because we are actually drowning in inauthenticity.

    Advertising bombards us with promises of bigger, better, faster, and easier. But the dream life of effortless comfort and problems that fix themselves is just a fantasy, a running away from the truth of life:

    Everything is impermanent.

    Right now, at this moment, this life is all we have.

    More and more people are fearlessly embracing this truth. As a result they are living their lives in accord with what their hearts are telling them rather than what the dominant paradigm dictates as “safe,” “normal,” and “true.”

    People are beginning to live their dreams with more passion and purpose than ever before. The focus isn’t on money or the accumulation of things but on living with integrity. And though it’s not the always the easier road, they are far happier for it.

    This is the kind of happiness we all crave. I know I do.

    We know in our hearts that there is something missing in our lives these days. But we also know that life can be rich, deeply satisfying, and meaningful.

    I just got back from a yearlong sabbatical in India.

    At the end of it all, I was riding the overnight bus from Dharamsala to Delhi on my way home.

    In front of me were a dwindling savings account and an uncertain future. But as I looked out the window at the Himalayas shrinking into the distance, I didn’t feel one scrap of regret at all.

    I had done what I has set out to do, and I felt more satisfaction and sense of accomplishment than I had at any other time in my life.

    Five years ago, if you had told me I would be living in a foreign country, learning a foreign language, I would have laughed in your face. I was so bogged down with my own insecurities and fears that I couldn’t even have imagined such a thing.

    I lived my dream of spending a year in India because I worked hard on making it happen. I set a clear goal and faced all of the challenges to that goal with an open mind and the determination to overcome them.

    But most importantly, I listened to my heart.

    My heart told me this: I had to do it. And what’s more, if I didn’t I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.

    But learning how to listen to your heart takes practice and effort. It’s not as simple as it sounds. But it’s not impossible either.

    So what are some steps you can take to start listening to your heart and living a more authentic life?

    Here are four of them that work for me.

    1.  Slow down.

    Slowing down is a meme that seems to be (ironically, very quickly) working it’s way through the culture these days.

    Supposedly, we need to be taking it easier, to be letting go of the compulsion to work ourselves to the bone every hour of our lives.

    But one look out the window during rush hour traffic and we see that’s exactly what most of us are still doing.

    It’s not that we shouldn’t work hard or be productive. Goodness knows, as a writer I’ve got to spend a lot of time in the chair.

    But we need to honor the fact that down time is essential if we really want to get in touch with our authentic selves.

    So listen to this: Finish this article then take a long, deep breath. Close your laptop and go for a walk. Go in a direction you’ve never taken before and just take your sweet time.

    Give yourself some space to be you.

    2. Unplug.

    We live in a world drenched in information. Whatever we want to know, we can find out instantly. This can be very exciting and even useful.

    But one of the things that prevent us from staying in touch with our true selves is the constant barrage of cultural programing we are dosed with everyday.

    Advertisements, news programs, and television shows all tell us what and how to think, what products to buy, what opinions are in style, what life goals we should be achieving.

    It’s not necessarily that Big Brother is watching us, but it’s good to unplug from all of this from time to time and give your own voice a chance to pipe in.

    So take a break from the intake of information. Pick a time during the day, or even a whole day off during the week, to turn off the computer, the television, the radio.

    Take some time to listen to what you really think and feel.

    3. Explore and experiment.

    Part of the reason that we live inauthentic lives is that we get stuck in a rut. We lull ourselves into a false sense of security by following the same old routines.

    New ideas and experiences are what keep us fresh and alive. Our authentic selves thrive on them, and when we expose ourselves to new things we have the opportunity to grow.

    Visiting new places, putting ourselves in new situations, exposing ourselves to new points of view can all challenge us to understand who you truly are.

    So get out of your rut. Even if it just begins with ordering something different off the lunch menu, make an effort to keep an open mind to what possibilities are out there waiting for you.

    4. Cultivate fearlessness.

    Living authentically doesn’t always mean a life of comfort and bliss. Often it means just the opposite.

    When we show our true selves to the world, when we dare to live our dreams, we might just run into many obstacles we didn’t expect.

    We might experience ridicule. We might find that our authentic life isn’t what we expected at all.

    We might even “fail.”

    But what is “failure” but the opportunity to learn and grow?

    If you are truly being authentic then you may find that even the falling down is more fulfilling than anything that’s normally considered to be “success.”

    So work with challenges from a place of fearlessness. Know that even if you fall down, this is impermanent too. You can always get up and start anew.

    Living authentically takes courage and bravery. During the past year in India I met a lot of inspiring people.

    Some of them had packed up their families to pursue their dreams of traveling the world. Some were there were, like me, learning a new language only because they knew it would enrich their lives.

    Many more were devoting themselves to a spiritual way of life that, despite its uncertainty and difficulty, was far more fulfilling than anything they had tried before.

    I truly believe that we all have this kind of courage and bravery hiding somewhere inside us. And if you just take the time to look, you will find that you do too.

    Photo by Summer Skyes 11

  • 4 Questions to Turn Your Anger Around and Forgive

    4 Questions to Turn Your Anger Around and Forgive

    Talking

    “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that prisoner was you.” ~Lewis B. Smedes

    For a long time, I had a stressful relationship with my dad. We had a falling out after I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. He didn’t understand what I was going through in regards to eating and body image, and I tried to push him out, so we stopped talking.

    Somewhere inside of me, I had built up anger that was directed at him and I just couldn’t bring myself to forgive him or let go. And he was just clueless, not knowing what was wrong with me and why I didn’t like him, so he stopped trying, too.

    Before I knew it, it had been almost a year without saying anything to each other, and I was heading off to college. I was still angry inside until my mom gave me a book called Loving What Is, by Byron Katie. Everything changed after that.

    Not overnight, but slowly things began to improve between my dad and me.

    The book has to do with four simple questions that you ask yourself about a thought or emotion you are experiencing.

    Because I felt like my dad had distanced himself from my problems, and believed that he loved my brother more than me, I had thoughts like, “He doesn’t love me,” and “I’m never enough for him,” so I worked on these thoughts with what Byron Katie calls “The Work.”

    I took the thought “I am never good enough for him,” and put it up against the four questions.

    1. Is it true?

    Is it true that I am never good enough for my dad? Yes.

    2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?

    Can I absolutely know that I am never good enough for my dad? No.

    3. How do you feel when you think this thought?

    When I think that I’m not good enough for my dad, I feel angry and sad. I become defensive and hot.

    4. Who would you be without this thought?

    Without the thought that I am never good enough for him, I would be calm, relaxed, and not so upset. My relationship with my dad would improve and I wouldn’t worry so much about his approval.

    The next step is to turn the thought around. Here are my turnarounds with examples as to why these are true for me.

    • My dad is never good enough for me because I am constantly judging him.
    • I am good enough for my dad because he does show he is proud of me.
    • I am not good enough for myself because I do not approve of who I am.

    After doing this work on my thoughts about my dad, I began to see things differently. My eyes started to open to things I haven’t seen before.

    If I wanted my dad to approve of me and accept me for who I was, I first had to approve and accept him as he was.

    When I turned around my thought, even though it was hard to realize, I saw that my behavior toward my dad was the problem, not him. I failed to remember that he was just doing what he knew how to do; he was trying his best. It was me who needed to approve of myself, not my Dad.

    Forgiveness had never come easy to me. I always felt as though I was the one who deserved the forgiving, but something changed the day I read this book. I forgave my dad. I forgave him and accepted him, and in turn, I accepted myself.

    I gave my dad what I wanted from him and our relationship turned around. I gave myself what I wanted from him and I turned myself around.

    The Work can be helpful for every thought you have or problem you are facing, as it allows you to look at your life and yourself in a new light. I understand that sometimes it can be painful questioning your thoughts, especially ones that have been with you for a long time, and it’s not an overnight process.

    Sometimes I would cry myself to sleep over my responses or want to tear the page apart because there was no way I could forgive my dad. But if you give it time and patience, a change will start happening inside of you.

    You will learn to see the person in a different way. You will see that everyone is just trying their best with what they have in this moment, and even if you believe they don’t deserve forgiveness, you deserve to be at peace.

    Photo by morstan

  • Dharma Comics: Pouring Love Over Everything

    Dharma Comics: Pouring Love Over Everything

    DharmaComics_PouringLoveOverEverything_LeahPearlman

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  • When You Don’t Get What You Want Something Better May Be Coming

    When You Don’t Get What You Want Something Better May Be Coming

    “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

    While every adoption story is different, they all start with a loss. Our loss turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to us.

    I’ve had two migraines in my life. Both were when I was battling infertility and in a war with my body. My brain had had enough apparently.

    The first migraine was on my way to work one day (different story), and the second was before a dinner party. My friend was inviting her close friends over to make an announcement. I knew what the announcement was.

    She was going to tell us she was pregnant. I was as happy for her as an infertile friend can be, which is not very.

    My migraine saved me that night. I didn’t have to go and pretend. Instead, I was alone in a dark room crying, which is where I would have ended up anyway. Now I know I was grieving the loss of my non-existent biological child.

    In what turned out to be an oddly not-difficult decision to adopt, my husband and I were on the way to the adoption agency for the first informational meeting when we had the biggest fight we had ever had. Uncharacteristically, I was so emotional I told him to turn the car around. I knew this was not the time to begin our adoption journey.

    About a month later we tried again. We were in the car, having just merged onto the highway on the way to the adoption agency, when we were sandwiched between two other cars in a three-way wreck. We were fine, but missed the meeting.

    Our third try turned out to be a charm as we showed up at the agency relatively emotionally stable and in one piece.

    Those who have adopted can confirm that timing is everything, especially in foreign adoptions when often the two files on the top of the pile get matched and a family is formed.

    Was something cosmic happening so that we would show up at the right time to receive the right baby?

    Once the adoption was underway and we were awaiting our sweet baby to be approved for release to us, I would talk to her. We even had a song, Coldplay’s “Yellow.”

    I would sing, “Look at the stars; look how they shine for you,” because I thought we could see the same stars. I felt closer to her, knowing we were thousands of miles apart, but could see the same sky.

    “You were all yellllllooo,” I would sing alone in my car, again and again.

    I don’t know what it is like to give birth, but I cannot imagine it is any more terrifying or exciting than meeting your adopted child for the first time. We, along with the families we were traveling with, had taken over a hotel floor when the babies started arriving from the orphanage.

    “Swenson” we heard our interpreter yell as he held out a baby, our baby. I don’t remember stumbling forward, but my husband has it on video. When I watch it I see myself holding our daughter and instinctively cupping her head and holding her to me.

    She was dressed in head to toe yellow. Shirt, shorts, even yellow jelly sandals. This. was. my. daughter.

    She was all yellllllooo.

    I did not get what I wanted. I wanted to have a dinner party and announce that I was pregnant. I wanted to carry a child in my belly. I wanted to discover how the baby looked like me and how it looked like my husband.

    I didn’t have a dinner party. I didn’t carry her in my own belly. She doesn’t look a damn thing like us.

    But what I got? What I got was even better. I got a child that was meant to be ours.

    This baby was so meant to be ours that we couldn’t make it to the adoption agency until the third try because it wasn’t time yet. This baby was so meant to be ours she was wearing head-to-toe yellow when we met after I’d been singing “Yellow” to her for months.

    So yes, sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.

    I daresay when you don’t get what you want it is because there is something better on its way to you.

    Photo by egor.gribanov

  • 7 Steps to Prevent Getting Stuck in an Emotion

    7 Steps to Prevent Getting Stuck in an Emotion

    Stuck-In-Feelings

    “Life is a process of becoming. A combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” ~Anais Nin

    I bought an ice cream cake for my family to thank them for giving me the time and space to write the first draft of my novel. My husband took photos. I selected my favorite shot as the wallpaper on my computer to remind me of this milestone.

    I was happy and joyous for a week. The second week I fell into despair—hard—and stayed there for months and months and months.

    I could not edit the novel I had completed and I could not start something new. I was stuck. A terminal sense of doom clouded my days and fogged over my nights.

    Eventually, I sought help from a counselor who specialized in treating creative people. Her diagnosis was grief. Some people go through the grief process when they complete a creative project, she explained.

    Apparently, I was one of those people.

    I had fallen into the trap of believing I could sustain the triumphant joy and deep satisfaction I had received upon completing the first draft of my novel and remain in those victorious feelings forever. When I couldn’t, I fell into depression and stayed there.

    I had experienced a kind of death.

    The counselor recommended that I allow the grieving to unfold naturally without force. That meant I had to give myself permission to be depressed. I had to sit with the feeling, day and night, and not wrestle with it.

    Weeks later, I finally emerged from the darkness of despair into the light of hope. I discovered the strength to edit my novel. When that was finished, I started looking for a publisher.

    I had experienced a kind of rebirth.

    Since that first bout of depression, I’ve written and published four books. Each time I finish the first draft, I grieve again. But over the years, I have learned how to process my feelings and create again.

    Here are seven simple steps to help you move through your emotions without getting stuck:

    1. Learn acceptance.

    Acknowledge what you are feeling without judgment. Offer yourself reassurance that it’s okay to feel whatever it is that you are feeling, no matter what anyone says or thinks.

    If you ignore what you’re feeling or pretend to feel something you don’t feel, the charade will prevent you from moving through the emotion. You will remain frozen in denial. The feeling will take hold and anchor you like a dead weight.

    By accepting what you feel when you feel it, you release the possibility of getting stuck.

    2. Practice patience.

    Some feelings last a few moments. Others last a few hours or a few days. Some feelings can last a whole year or longer.

    Let the feeling stay as long as it needs to; don’t force it to leave. It will only come back until it is done.

    3. Seek help early.

    It’s okay to seek help for dealing with a difficult emotion. If you find yourself overwhelmed, call a friend who can listen and offer advice or hire a professional who can provide expert insight.

    It’s better to get assistance as soon as you need it rather than waiting until you are stuck with an emotion you cannot release.

    4. Avoid self-medicating habits.

    Don’t try to mask the feeling. Drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, and shopping may temporarily relieve you from the pain of your emotion, but they will not solve your problem.

    Self-medicating habits create a labyrinth around your emotion. They offer the illusion of freedom while imprisoning you. Eventually, you’ll have to face what you are feeling head on without the benefit of an addiction to cushion the impact.

    By refusing to indulge in avenues of escape, you will learn the invaluable skill of self-reliance. You will grow confident in your ability to process your emotions quickly and efficiently no matter how joyful or painful they may be.

    5. Develop a routine.

    A consistent routine provides the foundation to build a life. Without it, chaos takes over. Feelings will either run rampant or hide in dormancy, both of which are unhealthy.

    Wake up at the same time every day. Schedule your meals. Go to sleep at the same time each night.

    Make sure you have quiet time for prayer, meditation, or reflection. Include hobbies on a regular basis. Spend time with your loved ones on a daily basis.

    The more structured your routine, the more likely your emotions will flow.

    6. Introduce something new.

    Once you have developed a routine, add something new. Boredom leads to apathy, which can encourage an emotion to take root and not let go.

    Variety leads to excitement. Trying something new keeps things fresh and alive.

    Take a class or join a club. Visit somewhere you have always wanted to go. Be adventurous.

    7. Honor the past, present, and future.

    Life is more than random moments. It’s a journey of self-discovery on a continuum of time. You can easily get stuck in an emotion by dwelling on the past or not paying attention to the present or worrying about the future.

    Embrace the whole spectrum of your life: the past with its history, the present with its immediacy, and the future with its potential.

    If you only think of the past, you’ll be stuck in the mire of what once was and miss out on what is going on all around you right now.

    If you focus only on the moment, you will neglect to remember the lessons you have learned through past experience and fail to pay attention to any future consequences. If you only dream of the future, you will become lost in fantasy without a compass to guide you there.

    By honoring the past, present, and future, you can truly live each moment to its fullest.

    Emotions are meant to come and go, not stay with you forever. By following these steps, you will train your mind and your body to process emotions in a healthy manner, leaving you free to explore the next chapter of your life.

    Photo by www.hansvink.nl

  • Listen Instead of Correcting Others: What We Gain and Give

    Listen Instead of Correcting Others: What We Gain and Give

    Two friends talking

    “When you judge another, you do not define them. You define yourself.” ~Wayne Dyer

    I have a tendency to want to show off what I know, and in the worst cases, correct other people.

    Instead of listening and connecting I unconsciously try to sell to others an image of myself that I wish to project. Some part of me believes that if people are impressed with me then they’ll like me and be interested in my knowledge and point of view.

    In this way I fall into the trap of constructing the false self. This is the person I wish for others to see, a person without vulnerabilities, incorrect knowledge, or who makes mistakes. A thing that is more of a product than a person.

    Many of us fashion these false selves not only as an idealized version of ourselves, but also to keep other people’s judgments of us at bay. Before we realize what has happened, we have made our skills and knowledge into weapons that we wield on others while all the while we hide our true selves behind a shield. Without planning to, we have declared war.

    The constructed, false self is a one-way gate. Like a character in a stage play, the false self puts sights and sounds out to the audience while all the while it stands behind the fourth wall of separation from the observers. The audience sees the character, but the character doesn’t see the audience.

    I have someone in my life who deals with a fairly severe mental illness. Through most of my life I have tried to help him by showing him what was “wrong” with his thinking and actions. I wanted to use my logic and knowledge to set his perceptions straight.

    I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was mostly lecturing him. I did not listen and understand his point of view, but instead stayed behind my shield and wielded my weapons of logic at him. I thought I was being a good influence.

    Constructive influence, though, flows through positive human connections. When we judge others we sever those connections and directly destroy our chances of influencing others with our best information and ideas.

    But real, positive influence travels in both directions. Discovering wisdom works best as a collaboration formed through the conduit of relationships. There is give and take and neither person needs to be “the right one.”

    When we give others space to make mistakes, to have different skills and expertise than our own, then we also give ourselves space for the same things. No one of us is an expert at everything, but when we come together we close the gaps into a working whole.

    A few years ago, while preparing for a volunteer program, I took some training in listening. I learned that it’s more valuable to reflect back what people say, and to show understanding of them without judgment.

    I learned that if I showed understanding of the other person’s feelings and thoughts, that alone would ease their burden and do worlds of good.

    I learned that acceptance and understanding aren’t necessarily the same things as approval and agreement.

    We needn’t be afraid that we are compromising our own views or knowledge when we simply choose to understand another’s. In fact, the openness of understanding can strengthen our own point of view.

    We must receive what we wish to give and give what we wish to receive. If we want to be listened to, then we must listen to others. If we want to be valued for what we know, then we must value others for what they know.

    And if we want to be forgiven and loved, then we must forgive and love others.

    Lately I’ve been applying my new listening skills in conversations with my mentally ill loved one. I allow myself to relate to difficult things he experiences and have even tried to be brave enough to be honest when I see a bit of myself in him, when I see the same passions, fears, and mistakes.

    The funny thing is that by backing off I’ve gained more of his trust. By not pretending to have all the answers for him, I’ve strengthened our bond.

    Now I only give him my opinion if he asks for it. Sometimes this comes after a long spell of silence, when we are simply being together. And I’m honest enough to tell him when I don’t have a clue how to answer his question.

    And you know, I’ve learned a whole lot from him, too.

    Photo by pedrosimoes7

  • Don’t Control Anger, Control Yourself

    Don’t Control Anger, Control Yourself

    “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” ~Ambrose Bierce

    I once had a much-cherished friend who meant the world to me. The problem was that we were both short-tempered individuals and the word patience was fictional to both of us.

    There is a thin line separates right from wrong and when one is blinded by anger; it can be near impossible to see this line.

    Invariably, my friend and I kept crossing it and ended up destroying what was one of the most beautiful bonds anybody could ever have.

    One day in a fit of anger we said some mean things to each other in front of a lot of people, and that was the end of our relationship. From days of completing each other’s sentences, crying on each other’s shoulders, and growing together as best friends, we are strangers who walk this planet today.

    Much has been said about anger, an emotion that most of us experience often. We read about anger, we learn anger management tips, and we know that it is an emotion with the power to destroy, and yet when it comes to our own lives, it’s an altogether different story.

    When I replay the way I “reacted” to the whole incident instead of “responding” to it, I think of a hundred different things that I could have done right. I still wonder why I said those things, and in front of so many people.

    When we were little kids we used to write with pencils. It was a sign that told us that our mistakes could be corrected. As we grew older we received permanent markers to paint with on the canvas called life. This is because we were expected to take the responsibility of not making irreversible mistakes.

    How we manage our anger will decide if there are ugly marks on this canvas.

    Anger may be an emotion that we cannot evade, but the truth is that life is much more beautiful when we learn not to succumb to it.

    I have always been a short-tempered person. I’ve tried various things to control this, in vain. After having ruined many relationships because of this, I decided it was time to do something about my anger.

    I’ve been asking myself “Is it possible to be someone who never gets angry?”  

    There was once a saint who felt like having a bottle of beer. He asked his disciples to get him one. When the shocked disciples did as they were told, the saint simply folded his hands and stared at the bottle.

    Later, he asked his disciples to take it away. When one of them asked him, “What was it that you did?” the saint told him something that we all need to understand. He said, “I cannot control the feelings, the emotions, or the temptations but I can definitely control my actions.”

    As long as I keep my hands folded, there is no way I can grab this bottle of beer, and even though I cannot control my temptations I can control my actions.

    While anger is something we cannot control, what we do when we are angry is something that we definitely can control.

    Imagine you are working on a beautiful painting and suddenly there is a power outage and it’s pitch dark. Would you continue to make strokes on the painting, hoping that it miraculously became a masterpiece?

    In the same way, when you are angry the best thing to do would be nothing at all. Anger is like a power outage for the thinking part of your brain.

    These days, when I get really upset I choose not to say anything. I retire to my room for a couple of minutes, listen to some music, or distract myself. I let myself feel the emotion, but I don’t let myself react.

    Like the saint, I hold my hands and control my tongue, because if I cannot control anger, I will control myself at least.

    The Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

    When I look back at the incident with my friend, I feel like a lot could have been different had I not succumbed to my emotions. In the process I have hurt myself more than I have hurt my friend.

    So I ask you, the next time you get angry, don’t try to control the anger; instead try to control yourself. With a little practice, it becomes a part of your life and you become a person who never lets anger ruin a valued relationship.

    Photo by Scarleth White

  • AJ’s Art Journal: Unlock Your Cage

    AJ’s Art Journal: Unlock Your Cage

    AJsArtJournal_UnlockYourCage

    Source

  • Releasing Resentment: Who You’re Really Angry With and Why

    Releasing Resentment: Who You’re Really Angry With and Why

    “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” ~Malachy McCourt

    “Can I kiss you?” he asked.

    I didn’t particularly want to kiss him, but it had been a benign first date, and I didn’t know how to say no without hurting his feelings.

    We were standing by my car in broad daylight, and what could be the harm, right? So I rather unenthusiastically nodded my head.

    He, on the other hand, was quite enthusiastic, more than I was prepared for.

    As he leaned in, I closed my eyes and endured the kiss, which most definitely did not tingle my toes. And it went on longer than I wanted, because, again, I didn’t know how to end it without hurting his feelings.

    So I waited. And after enduring a second, even longer, more enthusiastic and less-desired-on-my-part kiss, I finally managed to extricate myself, thank him for lunch, slip into my car, and drive away.

    I was relieved to be done with that date, and I was quite honestly annoyed. No, strike that—I was resentful.

    This perfectly inoffensive man had now acquired a downright unpleasant aura in my mind. Couldn’t he read that I wasn’t interested? Why did he have to pull me into a second kiss? Oh, how I resented him! 

    As I navigated the waters of online dating in search of a compatible life partner, scenarios similar to this one played themselves out over and over.

    After (I kid you not) fifty-seven first dates in a two-and-a-half year period, I’m of the opinion that there may be no greater route to self-growth than dating, if you go about it with the amount of self-examination that I did.

    One of the great gifts I got from my quest for a life partner was the realization that I needed to get clear in my own head where my limits were, before leaving my house for the date.

    In fact, I needed to learn to set limits in a lot of areas of my life, and it was dating that taught me how. Before I gained this clarity, though, I got very familiar with the emotion of resentment.

    I remember one moment, as I stewed with resentment toward a thoughtful, considerate, perfectly wonderful man, that I had an epiphany.

    I’d allowed him to go just a tad further than I really wanted, but when I thought about it, the guy had done absolutely nothing wrong. He’d been a perfect gentleman, and would no doubt be horrified if he’d known his advances had been unwanted.

    His good intentions and obvious respect for me forced me to question what was really going on here. Why was I resentful at him, I wondered?

    The only one who really deserved the brunt of my anger, I realized, was myself. The guy was just following my hazy lead, and would have backed off in a heartbeat, if I’d simply asked.

    That was when the light bulb clicked on over my head.

    That was the moment it became clear to me that resentment isn’t anger with someone else at all; resentment is anger with oneself, misdirected at someone else through the lens of victimhood. 

    Everything changed in that moment.

    When you’re trained to be a people-pleaser, like I was, setting clear limits is hard. It was easier to just go with the flow, and then get resentful and blame my dates when my true wishes weren’t magically honored.

    It was easier to play the victim.

    But playing the victim doesn’t lead to happiness or empowerment. And once I acknowledged to myself that this is what I’d been doing—playing the victim—I resolved to take responsibility.

    When I realized that my resentment wasn’t serving any useful purpose, and that it was really me I was angry with for not setting clearer, stronger limits, I could release the resentment and work on making the changes I needed to myself.

    The more I took responsibility for my desires—or lack thereof—and set clear boundaries with my dates, the less victimized I felt. And the fewer unwanted kisses I had to tolerate!

    And of course, taking responsibility for yourself extends to every area of your life, not just first dates! Learning to set boundaries and communicate them is an essential tool for anyone looking for a happy life.

    Resentment is anger with oneself, misdirected at someone else through the lens of victimhood.

    This simple statement was like a magic formula for me. It became my mantra for a while, helping me chart a less turbulent course through my dating days.

    Time for a Recharge

    Knowing something and always integrating it in your life are two different things, however. I recently discovered that I needed to remind myself of my resentment epiphany.

    That thoughtful, considerate, perfectly wonderful man I mentioned above? He’s been my life partner for over three years now, and he’s still perfectly wonderful.

    He does not, however, have any interest in physical exercise.

    I, on the other hand, am rather more concerned with my fitness than your average Joe. But even so, I don’t always reach my goal of daily exercise.

    I want to be fit, but I don’t always want to pull myself away from other things and get to the gym.

    In a psychology class I was taking, I learned that low physical fitness is actually “contagious.”

    Studies have shown that people are more likely to become sedentary and/or obese when people in their close social network are sedentary and/or obese, and I latched onto this data just the other week, as I was frustrated with myself for letting work get in the way of my exercise commitments.

    It would be so much easier to go to the gym if my partner had any interest in being my workout buddy! And it was so much easier to resent him for not having such an interest, than to take responsibility for my own failings.

    Thankfully, before I got too deep in the poisonous pool of resentment, I remembered my epiphany from years ago: Resentment is anger with oneself, misdirected at someone else through the lens of victimhood.

    Yes, it would be easier to get to the gym if my partner were gung-ho to get there himself, but he’s not to blame for my lack of exercise, I am.

    I was the one who chose to keep pounding away at the computer instead of going to the gym. The responsibility was mine alone, and any anger directed elsewhere was a pointless waste of energy.

    Whew! I felt like I’d escaped a close call. Instead of stewing in resentment toward my sweetie, I was filled with gratitude for the lessons I learned during my dating days!

    It was a good reminder. Now my antennae are back up again, watching for the niggling feeling of resentment so I can nip it in the bud before it blooms.

    Whether it’s unwanted kisses or a visit to the gym, when you take 100% responsibility and realize your anger is really toward yourself, resentment melts away and makes space for greater happiness.

  • Dramatically Improve your Relationships by Becoming a Team

    Dramatically Improve your Relationships by Becoming a Team

    Team

    “We may have all come in different ships, but we’re in the same boat now.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

    I once had a totally commonplace, uneventful thought that transformed the way I viewed relationships.

    I’m not sure that it was mine; it certainly wasn’t anything groundbreaking or unique. I may have read it somewhere, I can’t remember now.

    It was the notion that when two people in a relationship think of themselves as on the same team, things get much easier. Positive feelings grow freely. Score-keeping and resentment are nonexistent. 

    Insights are very personal—a simple phrase that turns my world upside down might do absolutely nothing for you, and vice versa. Perhaps this notion was so life-changing for me because I grew up surrounded by people who seemed self-focused, always looking for where they had been wronged.

    They weren’t selfish or egotistical people. They were insecure people.

    My father had insecurities that led him to make everything about himself—if you didn’t say the right thing at the right time, trouble was sure to follow. I spent years walking on eggshells, trying to anticipate my next misstep. It was exhausting.

    And I remember women who constantly, endlessly talked about what was wrong with the “deadbeat men” who never seemed to treat them the way they deserved to be treated.  

    As a kid, it seemed as if adults everywhere put everyone else on the hook for their own happiness. In my childhood innocence and natural wisdom I wondered, why they didn’t take care of their own happiness? 

    Being on the hook for someone else’s happiness not only felt like enormous pressure, it was an impossible task.

    No matter how much my dad approved of something I did one day, he might disapprove of the very same thing the next day. No matter how nice a man was to a woman, he’d inevitably forget to compliment her dress and she’d have him back in the doghouse.

    All of this look-what-you’re-doing-to-me, you-should-be-treating-me-better business is not born out of independent, empowered women (or men) simply refusing to put up with less than what they deserve. That’s often how they like to view themselves, but that’s not it at all.

    Scavenger hunting for all the ways you aren’t being treated fairly is not an act of self-love. It’s an act of insecurity.

    It’s born out of fear and looking to someone else to be your savior. It’s born out of the belief that your happiness comes from what others do, which manifests as manipulation, guilt trips, and passive aggressive behavior aimed at changing them so that you can feel better.

    “Us” Not “Me”

    When you’re focused on yourself, keeping score, and making sure you’re being treated properly, you’re not actually in relationship with another person—you’re in relationship with your thoughts about the other person.

    You’re focusing on yourself, what you can get, and where your partner is falling short.

    Thinking of the two of you as a team shifts your focus. Suddenly it’s not “me versus you”; it’s “us.”

    It’s no longer “I did the laundry every day this week, what did you do?” It’s “We’re a team. I do the laundry more than you at times, and you do a million other things for me at times.”

    It’s not “If you cared about me you’d call twice a day”; it’s “I’d love to talk to you more.”

    The you-and-me-together way of looking at things is exactly what was missing for all of those disgruntled women complaining about their deadbeat men. The extreme look-out-for-myself-first approach is what made my relationship with my dad defensive and inauthentic.

    Teammates

    A couple weeks ago, I was talking with a friend about her marriage when she confessed that she was once a score-keeper. She used to keep a mental tally of what she had done and what her husband hadn’t, and she gave a whole lot of meaning to that score.

    When I asked how she came to leave the score keeping behind, she told me that her husband said something one day that completely turned it around for her.

    In the midst of one of her score reports, her husband said the reason he never thought that way was because he saw them as a team. She gives more in some ways and he gives more in other ways, but why keep track when they are always working together, in the end?

    She instantly knew that was true. He did give more than her in many ways, but her rigid, defensive outlook hadn’t allowed her to even notice what he did for her.

    Although insights are personal, she had the same game-changing one I did. She never looked at her relationship in quite the same way again. When she found herself feeling wronged, she remembered that she and her husband were teammates, not adversaries.

    Being on the same team takes the frailty out of a relationship. My relationship with my father always felt fragile and temporary, like I was one wrong look away from being disowned. In fact, I was.

    Don’t you see this in romantic relationships—especially new ones—all the time?  One or both people are afraid to fully be themselves in fear of what the other might make of their honesty.

    I can clearly remember the wave of relief that washed over my now-husband’s face when we had a disagreement about six months into our courtship. He sat me down to assess the damage and I assured him that we were past the point of breaking up over a petty dissimilarity.

    He says he knew in that moment that we were an “us.” It wasn’t “me” evaluating and judging him,” or “him” deciding whether “I” was right or wrong.

    We were a team, and teams are infinitely more resilient than individual identities trying to coexist.

    I wonder what this shift in perspective might do for you. Even if you aren’t a score keeper always looking for where you were wronged, taking on the team viewpoint can bring a new sense of closeness to your relationships.

    Can you imagine what might happen if we extended this beyond personal relationships—if we saw entire families, communities, or all of humanity as part of the same team?

    Imagine how we’d treat each other.

    Here’s to spreading the insight to our teammates everywhere.

    Photo by ClickFlashPhotos

  • Accept Yourself as You Are, Even When Others Don’t

    Accept Yourself as You Are, Even When Others Don’t

    “What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer

    “You’re too quiet.”

    This comment and others like it have plagued me almost all my life. I don’t know how many times I’ve been told that I needed to come out of my shell, to be livelier, or to talk more.

    As a child and teenager, I allowed these remarks to hurt me deeply. I was already shy, but I became even more self-conscious as I was constantly aware of people waiting for me to speak.

    When I did, the response was often, “Wow! Louise said something!”

    This would make me just want to crawl back into my shell and hide. I became more and more reserved.

    The older I got, the angrier I became. Each time someone told me I was “too quiet,” I wondered what exactly they were hoping to achieve anyway. Did they imagine I had a magic button I could press that would turn me into Miss Showbiz?  

    If only it were that simple, I thought. I felt I should be accepted as I was, but apparently that wasn’t going to happen. There was only one thing for it; I would have to become the extrovert the world wanted me to be, but how?

    At seventeen, I thought I’d found the perfect solution: alcohol.

    When I was drunk, everyone seemed to like me. I was fun and outgoing; able to talk to anyone with no problems at all. However, it began to depress me that I needed a drink to do this or for anyone to like me.

    Another strategy was to attach myself to a more outgoing friend. I did this at school, university, and later when I began to travel a lot in my twenties.

    Although I didn’t do it consciously, wherever I went I would make friends with someone much louder than me. Then I’d become their little sidekick, going everywhere with them, trying to fit in with all their friends, and even adopting aspects of their personality.

    Sometimes I just tried faking it.

    When I was twenty-four, I began teaching English as a Foreign Language, and a month into my first contract in Japan, I was told my students found me difficult to talk to. I was upset because I thought I had made an effort to be friendly and I didn’t understand what else I could do.

    After crying all night because once again I wasn’t good enough, I went into work the next day determined to be really lively and talkative. Of course, it didn’t work because everyone could see I was being false.

    It seemed that I was doomed. I would never be accepted. Being a naturally loud person was the only way to be liked.

    Or maybe not.

    Over the years, I’ve spoken to several talkative, extroverted people who’ve been told they’re too loud or that they talk too much. It seems whatever personality you’ve got you’re always going to be “too much” of something for someone.

    What really matters is: do you think you need to change?

    My shyness has made some areas of my life more difficult. It’s something I’ve been working on all my life and I always will be in order to do all the things I want to do.

    However, I’ve realized I’m always going to be an introvert, which is not the same thing.

    I enjoy going out and socializing, but I also enjoy being alone. At work I talk to people all day, every day. I like my job, but as an introvert, I get tired after all that interaction, so later I need some quiet time to “recharge my batteries.”

    I can overcome my shyness. I can’t overcome my introversion, but actually, I wouldn’t want to because I’m happy being this way.

    Be kind to yourself if you decide to change.

    While I’m still shy, I no longer worry about it.  When speaking to new people, if something comes out wrong or I get my words mixed up, I just laugh to myself about my nervousness rather than telling myself how weird the other person must’ve thought I was.

    In the past I was terrified of any form of public speaking. Now my job is getting up in front of people and talking. After a rocky start in Japan, my students now see me as funny (sometimes!) and confident.

    So I think I’m doing alright. No, I don’t understand why I can’t just be like that with everyone, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’m doing my best and that’s all I can do.

    Don’t be afraid to lose false friends.

    When you’re always being told you’re too much of this or not enough of that, it’s easy to start thinking you have to be grateful that anyone is willing to spend time with you.

    I used to put up with friends who treated me badly because I thought if I stood up for myself, I’d lose their friendship and I’d end up all alone.

    Eventually, in my last year teaching abroad, I did stand up for myself and my worst fear came true. I was left completely friendless.

    And you know what? It was okay. The time alone taught me to enjoy my own company, and gave me the chance to learn more about myself. This has gradually led to me attracting more positive people into my life.

    Could your supposed weakness actually be your strength?

    I’m a good listener, so friends feel able to talk to me if they have a problem and they know I’m not going to tell anyone.

    I’m an efficient worker because I just get on with the job. I can empathize with shy students in my class. I don’t force them to speak but leave them alone, knowing that they’ll talk when they feel more comfortable.

    There’s a reason why you were made the way you are. If we were all supposed to be the same, we would be.

    I’ve stopped trying to make everyone like me and I’ve stopped trying to be something I’m not. As a result, any changes in my character happen naturally as my confidence continues to grow.

    The “quiet” comments are also now few and far between. When you learn to accept yourself, you’re likely to find that others will accept you too.

    But if they don’t, it really doesn’t matter.