Tag: wisdom
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Slow Down: Join the Stillness Revolution for More Peace and Joy
“There is more to life than increasing its speed.” ~Mahatma Gandhi
I recently treated myself to a retreat in the mountains, with the intention of pulling out of the busyness of every day life so that I could spend time healing and in reflective writing.
Setting off, I anticipated an easy drive as traffic looked light, but when I reached the mountain pass, I experienced something I had never experienced before:
I was completely blind to my surroundings.
In fact, I realized I had driven into the clouds themselves, engulfed by a pure white energy.
Not fog. Not mist. Just pure white.
For a moment, I was gripped by fear, as one of my recurring dreams involves me speeding around steep, curvy roads until I lose control and drive completely off the edge.
But I noticed the fearful energy quick enough to rein it back in and surrender to the beauty of what I was experiencing.
In order for me to surrender without fear of driving over the edge (or into another car), I had to slow down and become hyper present and aware.
Slow down. Be still.
Creeping along at two miles an hour, I quickly recognized the message the universe was sending me through my experience on that mountain pass that day, and it reignited a passion in me to share this message with you.
Our lives seem to travel at warp speeds these days, with our minds taking in and spewing out information faster than we can keep up with, and our bodies running ragged with the intention to get up early and stay up late in order to get it all done.
Everything around us screams, “Go, go, go” not “slow, slow, slow.” Modern society simply doesn’t promote this kind of “radical” behavior.
So it’s going to take rebels like you and me to fuel this stillness revolution.
Yes, I wrote “rebel” because you are going against the stream, and you are most certainly going to feel a little “different” in doing so.
Your own ego might even resist the very idea of a stillness revolution—rejecting it as being ridiculous, unreasonable, and completely insensible.
Here’s the response from my higher self to that ego doubt (and trust me, my ego is shouting it too).
What if creating a more peaceful and more joyful life means taking actions that seem a bit ridiculous, unreasonable, and insensible?
There is an exercise I use that might shift your perspective called “When I’m 92.”
You can read the below and then close your eyes to really practice the meditation or you can simply follow along now with your eyes open.
Take 3 conscious breaths to settle back into your body and into the now.
Imagine yourself lying in a bed in the hospital when you’re 92 years old.
You are surrounded by love—loving doctors and nurses and most of all, your loving family
You’ve lived an amazing life and you are filled with gratitude for all of the experiences you’ve had.
Your 32-year-old grand-daughter, a self-proclaimed “workaholic,” rushes in, apologizing for running late, and explaining she only has about 15 minutes to stay, as she really must get back to another meeting.
Your 92-year-old self smiles at her and radiates peace and love around her busy energy.
She sits down and takes your frail hand, softening and opening to receive.
The wisdom flows through you to her, as you say:
“My beautiful grandchild, if there is one piece of wisdom I can leave with you before my soul returns to the light, it’s this:
Slow down and be still.
Every single moment that you spend in a space of stillness will be worthwhile and make your life richer than you could have ever thought possible.”
Take a conscious breath—and now imagine you have become the 32-year-old granddaughter.
As that young and busy soul, receive the energy of these words and absorb the meaning into your very core.
Allow yourself this stillness as you’re in this meditative space right now to begin cultivating the practice of stillness in your every day life.
When your intuition tells you that the exercise is complete, send gratitude to your higher self and 92-year-old self, then bring yourself back to this conscious moment with another easy breath (and gently blink your eyes open if they were closed).
Take out your journal, or just a piece of paper if you don’t have a journaling practice, and free write how grounded and peaceful you felt during the above exercise.
Allow your intuition to guide you to choose one action you can take to support your own stillness revolution.
Perhaps, like me, you want to formally create the space for an extended period of slowing down and being still by scheduling a retreat in nature?
Or maybe you want to begin with a simpler practice such as writing the words “Slow Down and Be Still” on a post-it note and putting it up on your car dashboard so that it can remind you of this wisdom as you hustle to and fro?
The specific action isn’t as important as simply taking any action, so choose one and share in the comments below how you are going to slow down and play your part in the stillness revolution!
Photo by N I C O L A
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A 4-Step Plan to Deal with Even the Toughest Challenge
“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change.” ~Wayne Dyer
Everything in life is perception. How you perceive life depends on the things and people that have influenced you: school, society, friends, family, TV. So, you may think something is bad or good, but in reality it is neither. You were taught to perceive it the way you do.
One person might see money as the root of all evil, while another might see it as something wonderful that can be used to help others and create opportunities. Two different perceptions of the same thing that are only based on what they have been taught to believe.
What does this have to do with dealing with problems, you may wonder? Well, the way you react to problems has also been taught to you. And by changing the way you perceive them, you will be able to deal much more efficiently with any problem that comes on your path.
A New Way of Dealing with Challenges
This “new” way of looking at challenges is actually thousands of years old and was taught by great masters such as Lao Tzu and the Buddha himself. By learning this technique you’ll be able to deal with the most difficult challenges, while at the same time not letting them affect your inner peace.
This technique will also increase your level of happiness and confidence, allowing you to live a good and joyful life, regardless of your circumstances.
The 4 Steps for Dealing with a Difficult Challenge
1. Accept and let go.
Accept your life as it is now. It doesn’t matter how many or what kind of challenges you are facing. See them as opportunities for growth. This way there is no point in feeling bad about them anymore. They are here to help you.
Accept yourself as you are now. You may have flaws, you may have made mistakes that have contributed to the situation you are in now, but that is not important. Let go of your past and forgive yourself. All that counts is what you do in this moment!
Let go of your fears, stress, and frustrations toward this situation and the people involved, even if you think someone else is to blame for your situation. Feeling anger or hatred toward this person will only (negatively) affect yourself.
How do you accept and let go of things? With a simple exercise called meditation. After four years of daily meditation I can vouch for the fact that it is a very effective tool for getting rid of stress, negativity, frustration, and anything else that is not serving you. Learning to meditate is the biggest gift you can give yourself.
2. Observe and decide.
Observe the situation without letting your emotions take over. You are now able to analyze the situation by just looking at the facts. (This is a lot easier than it sounds when you have a regular meditation practice.)
Decide what the best approach is for this situation and create a plan of action.
3. Face your fears and take action.
Tackling your challenges usually includes facing one or more fears. You can try to avoid facing your fears, but at some point they will circle back into your life and you’ll have to face them again. You can ignore fear, but you can’t escape it.
Learn to be courageous and deal with it once and for all. Being courageous doesn’t mean you become fearless. Everybody experiences fear. It’s just that courageous people are the ones who are brave enough to constantly face their fears.
On YouTube there is a Will Smith interview in which he states: “If something frightens me, I have to do it. I will not let it control me!”
Taking action is the most important step in this whole process. It is also the step where most people get stuck. But by creating the right mindset this becomes a lot easier. Because the emotions that usually frighten you and maybe even paralyze you will no longer have any effect on you, or the effect will be greatly reduced.
4. Practice gratitude.
You may label problems as such because dealing with them takes you out of your comfort zone. Dealing with them in the correct manner means you are growing as a person. So, learn to be grateful for the challenges in your life, because they make you stronger.
How I Used This Mindset to Get Out of Debt
About five years ago I was a recovering drug addict with a ton of debt. As an addict I continuously spent more money than I made. I thought quitting drugs would solve this problem, but it didn’t. I actually kept getting into more debt. At one point it finally got so bad that I had to do something about it.
This was around the time I met my mentor, and with his help I learned to let go of the frustration and other negative emotions surrounding this whole situation. He helped me see things from a different perspective.
I realized that I had stopped using drugs, but that I had not dealt with the cause of my drug abuse. Because of that I had replaced my addiction with a bunch of new ones: fast food, alcohol, and other stuff that would make me forget about my worries.
He helped me see that a lot my problems were related to my relationship with myself. I blamed myself for all the misery in my life and I had such little faith in myself that I did not believe I could succeed at anything. After all, I had failed at so many things already.
Seeing myself slide down a downward spiral and not believing that I had the power to turn this around triggered a lot of anxiety inside of me. And that was why I had all these addictions. They helped me escape from the real world and gave me “instant joy.”
So, to get control over my finances (and my life) again, I had to let go of the anger, blame, and frustration toward myself. Daily meditation exercises are what helped me with this. Meditation helped me replace these feelings with love, confidence, and inner peace.
Once I started to love myself again, I was able to be grateful for all these issues I had been faced with. They had contributed to the person I was at that time and I liked that person. I was stronger and more confident than ever, and these things I first perceived as problems helped me get there.
In the next few months, I made a lot of progress and was able to quit drinking and overeating. I learned to manage my budget responsibly; I automated my monthly payments; and from then on, didn’t even give my financial situation a single thought. I just focused on my abundance and my inner peace instead. It took me years to pay off this debt, but it didn’t keep me from enjoying my life!
This is a process that takes some time to learn. I didn’t get it right the first time either. Some things are easier to deal with than others. But if you take the time to get in the right mindset and learn to let go of the negative things in your life, you will be able to live a life of happiness and joy, regardless of your circumstances.
Photo by -merce-
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Silencing Your Lizard Brain: Stop Feeling Pressured and Inadequate
“Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.” ~Unknown
Damn lizard brain, I hate you sometimes. Why do you always have this thirst for more? Why must you have such impossibly high expectations for everything?
It’s good to have standards, but when is it too much?
Things can be going great for me and I could have the entire world love me, yet it wouldn’t be enough.
I still wouldn’t be happy even every human on Earth left me a voicemail to tell me I’m wonderful. Instead, I’d be wondering how everyone got my number.
Why is it never enough? It’s because the moment it slows down, my lizard brain is going to eat at me again. It always wants more.
My mind needs to be constantly bombarded with success and pleasure.
It will tell me I’m not good enough; it will tell me how I should probably just give up, because what’s the use if I’m not constantly getting results?
Yesterday, I had around ten new people follow me on Twitter, six new people subscribe to my newsletter, and over twenty new comments on an article. Today, I had only four more people follow me, several others unfollow, no new newsletter subscribers, and two new comments.
Lizard brain, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t beat yesterday’s achievements.
The problem with this is that I set high expectations in at least 10,000 areas on a daily basis. This is draining because it is unrealistic to be able to hit all those marks and exceed all the time.
This adds up and really affects my happiness, because there are these expectations I feel I have to meet.
Over the years, I’ve noticed this about myself and try my best to stop my lizard brain during its peak hours.
You probably have an annoying lizard brain too. It’s the part of you that controls you, makes you afraid, and pushes you because it says you’re a failure.
If your lizard brain is bothering you, here are some reminders that might help:
You can’t always win.
I have to constantly remind myself it is simply impossible to always beat yesterday’s achievements. Think about it. If you land on the moon today, what are the odds of you going to Mars tomorrow?
Celebrate your victories from today and don’t worry about the next day. You can worry about going to Mars maybe a month from now. You already made it to the moon, relax.
Celebrate and truly appreciate your accomplishment.
Besides, you can’t always win. So even when you fall just remind yourself you’re growing and you’re a work in progress. Use your failure as a motivator or a marker for where you need to be.
You can’t always win. Accept that.
Stop comparing.
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” ~Steve Furtick
Steve Furtick’s quote is gushing with truth. We often compare ourselves to others’ achievements and then we beat ourselves up.
Well, chances are we’re all just comparing our weakest moments to everybody else’s strongest. See how ridiculous that is?
You can’t possibly outshine everyone’s highlight reel. You have your own highlight reels too, but they’re not always playing. Stop comparing yourself to others because that is a sure way to feel dissatisfied.
What you can do instead is focus on your own highlight reels and then work on your behind-the-scenes by learning from them.
Eventually, others will be in awe at your highlight reels and they won’t even notice when you’re not at your best. It’s okay to slow down every now and then because not every day has to be breaking new ground.
Don’t let the journey bring you down or the end of the path won’t be as great as it could have been.
Remind yourself that no one cares.
This is a harsh truth, but in reality, no one cares. No one will realize how many times you’ve failed or every time you smile funny. Everyone else is the protagonist in his or her own story and you’re just a side character.
When you remind yourself that you’re not in the center of the universe and not everything revolves around you, things get easier.
This may be the hardest part for me. For some reason, I always feel like all eyes are on me and that every micro-movement will be noted by literally everyone in the room and eyes will be rolled as I adjust my leg positions. “Ugh, who does Vincent think he is? Sitting all cool like that…”
See how ridiculous that is? I highly doubt thirty people are constantly watching me for as little as a leg twitch. Chances are people just don’t care or are too busy with their own problems.
Keep reminding yourself that others have things going on too. You’re not the protagonist in their book; they are.
Meditate.
When I’m meditating, my lizard brain just does what it wants, but I act as the detached observer. I let it talk but I don’t interact. I watch it babble on and on as I crack a smile, because when I meditate, I no longer care.
Then I take it to the next level by focusing in on my breath. I make sure that the only thing I’m worrying about is breathing. My lizard brain doesn’t have anything on me now because it slowly starts to fade away.
There are tons of extensive guides on how to meditate. Pick a method that seems interesting to you and try it out. You can be the detached observer or the silencer.
What do you do to silence your lizard brain?
Photo by Gibson Regester
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Love Yourself for What You Are Now Without Conditions
“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Do I really love them, or am I simply afraid to be without them? Is my love an expression of freedom, or is it merely a mask that hides my insecurities? These are questions that haunted my awareness. What is love, if I am afraid to lose it?
It seemed that I was running in circles trying to catch something that was never there.
I felt as if my love was not love, but rather just a fear that saw myself as unlovable; thus I attempted to complete my self-love through finding others to love me. However, it wasn’t working.
It seemed that no matter how much another person loved me, whether it was my wife, family, or friends, it didn’t complete the love I was searching for.
Then it hit me, like a two year old who unexpectedly smacks you across the face: If I were looking to find love within myself, what good would it do to rely on the love of another person?
For if I did, then the moment they stopped loving me, I would be back where I started in the space where love felt lost.
I wondered what it would mean to love myself without needing a love that existed outside what I am.
I recognized that I’d manipulated other people with the hope that they would love me. I’d tried to create stories that made me seem better than other people, always knowing deep down that I was only pretending. I was looking to trick people into liking me, loving me.
However, when I was insincere, when I was only telling people what they wanted to hear so they’d like me, what was it that they loved—me, or a lie?
What good was it if they loved a pretend me, rather than the real me? If I was pretending to be something I was not, then they didn’t love me, but rather someone who existed in the imagination of my mind.
This game of seeking love through pretending got me nowhere, so I asked myself: What does it really mean to love someone as they are? I mean really, am I loving someone as they are, or am I loving a pretend version of who I hope them to be?
What is this love that truly loves, and doesn’t play a game that wants people to change in order to become lovable in the future?
As a society, our love is often the kind that says, “I will only love you if…” How could this be love? If we put conditions on it, then it is not really love.
It reminds me of the love I have for my daughters.
It’s a love that says, “Regardless of what you do or don’t do, I love you all the same. There is nothing you can do that will take this love away; even if you hate me, I will still love you.”
If I were to say, “I will love you only if you make me feel like a good father and not make me look like a bad father,” this wouldn’t be love; it would be manipulation.
It would be an effort to keep hidden the love I withhold from myself.
It would reinforce the belief that I am not lovable unless I change, unless I become something other than what I am. These conditions I put on other people, before I extend love to them, are similar to the conditions I place on myself.
So what would it mean to really love someone? It could only mean that I love them as they are, not as who I think they should be.
If this is true, then the love I am searching for means loving myself as I am now, and not as some future self that exists in the future, in an imaginary tomorrow.
I love my children in such a way that they feel free, in the sense that they know it would be impossible to lose my love for them. I love them in a way that gives them the freedom to be what they are, and not be caught up in a quest to change into more lovable versions of themselves.
This, of course, makes me reexamine the love I have for all those I claim to love. Do I love them as they are, regardless of what flows through them; or am I using love to control them with the hopes that they don’t make me feel insecure?
Do I love them, or am I merely hiding from my own lack of self-love?
If I love my partner, it can only mean that I love them as they are. For if I want them to change, then my love becomes conditional—and that’s not love, but rather an expression of fear.
This is the love I’ve been searching for: to love myself as I am; to realize that I don’t have to change in order to be more whole, or more lovable. I am lovable as I am. I am free.
At anytime I am without this self-love, it means that I am putting a condition on love, by saying that what I am right now is unlovable, and I must change. However, it simply isn’t true. It’s a judgment that attempts to compare myself with another person, or the pretend version of me in my mind.
The truth of the matter is that we are all doing the best we can with what we have. When we love ourselves with conditions, it puts us in a position where love can be given and taken away, thus we find ourselves with anxiety about living up to this condition we’ve created in our mind.
Unconditional love means loving ourselves in such a way that we feel free to be what we are now, in this moment.
Photo by julipan
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When Love Is Not Enough: 4 Tips for a Strong Relationship
“Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience and two people who truly want to be together.” ~JnK Davis
My husband and I were going through a difficult time a few years ago. It felt like a pivotal time in our relationship. People say that marriage isn’t easy and you have your ups and downs. Well, we were definitely experiencing a low point.
We had been together for several years; we had been high school sweethearts and were each other’s best friends.
During this time we had several issues going on in our life, one of which was my husband being out of work, and suffering with anxiety, depression, and a lack of self-esteem and confidence as a result. Our relationship was in a bad place and we were being tested.
We were not spending any quality time together, nor were we going out together as a couple (my husband didn’t want to face anyone, including friends and family).
We didn’t feel like each other’s friends, let alone the lovers and best friends we had grown to be. At times we even felt like strangers—or even worse, each other’s enemies. We were forever fighting, bickering, and whining at each other.
After a lot of heartache and many heated arguments, we realized we could no longer go on like this. When we stopped to analyze the situation, we asked ourselves several questions:
Did we still love each other? Did we still want to be married? Had everything changed so much that we just couldn’t work things out?
Once we decided we wanted to be in our marriage, we each made a commitment to start treating each other differently.
We hoped that, with a new perspective and our mutual love and respect for each other, we could start working together and make the change we so desperately needed. We hoped that a change in attitude and behavior would salvage our marriage.
The following four elements became very critical in our relationship and led to us saving our marriage, as well as making it stronger for the future.
1. Communication.
During this rough period we stopped communicating clearly. It’s funny how, as human beings, we withdraw from each other when there is a sign of trouble or misunderstanding.
We decided to consciously work on our communication. We spoke in “I” statements rather than “you” statements.
We expressed how we felt rather than blaming a situation on the other person. “I” statements work because they show how you feel, whereas “you” statements create a sense of accusation and blame.
This helped us be open with how we felt, stopped us from shutting each out, and allowed us to talk about our issues in a productive and efficient way.
2. Appreciation.
We were feeling a lot of resentment toward each other, and not feeling loved and appreciated, so we put in place a daily appreciation diary. Keeping a personal gratitude journal is a great asset; it makes you focus on the positive in your life and leads to happiness.
Keeping a gratitude diary as a couple had the same benefits and gave us hope. It forced us to focus on the positives of the day and not just the negative events or what the other person did or didn’t say. It made us appreciate the other person and see them for the person we fell in love with.
It also made us feel good to be acknowledged and appreciated for what we had done on a daily basis. It helped to hear the other person say thank you, even though we were being thanked for doing our expected roles—me, for going to work full time and my husband, for taking over the home duties.
It was important for us to hear the gratitude from the other person so we didn’t feel like we were being taken for granted.
3. Quality time as a couple.
It was also helpful for us to schedule quality time with each other—getting out of the house and spending time together away from all the issues of our life; taking the step back and just being with each other.
It’s important to set some time aside to just be a couple; spend quality time together regularly, but especially during hard times. This doesn’t need to involve money; just a walk down the park together or along the beach will help. Just taking yourself out of your home environment will be beneficial.
We enjoyed each other’s company once again and started to feel more happiness as a couple.
4. Showing love as the other person wants to receive it.
We both still loved each other, but didn’t really feel that we were loved. I’ve read books and articles about how people receive and give love differently. Your partner may not perceive love in the same way as you; and remember, someone’s perception is their reality.
How your partner receives your love is important. You can’t assume the other person knows that you love them.
For myself, I feel loved when people spend quality time with me, making the effort to talk to me and listen. My husband, on the other hand, receives love by affirmations, people giving him compliments and positive statements.
With this in mind we made an effort to show each other love in ways that we knew would make each other feel loved on a regular basis.
By doing all of this we started to feel like we were in a loving marriage and that weren’t battling through our difficult life on our own. We had each other there for the support we needed.
We look back on this time as a lesson learned. We feel proud that we got through it and grateful that our relationship is stronger. We faced the challenge and came out on top.
We now practice these simple things every day to grow together and maintain a good and loving relationship.
We can be confident that by using these simple techniques, we can face the many challenges life throws at us together, such as having a miscarriage last year and our ongoing quest to start our own family.
If you are fortunate enough to share your life with someone you love, then you owe it to yourself and your partner to make an effort every day in your relationship.
They say love conquers all and that all you need is love, but unfortunately a solid relationship needs more than that. It requires being there for each other, showing support, feeling loved, being grateful that you are sharing your lives together, and above all, showing your appreciation every day.
Photo by Jeanne
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How to Speak Your Mind Without Making Someone Else Wrong
“Would you rather be right or free?” ~Byron Katie
Do you have the freedom to say what you really feel? Do you share your true thoughts and ideas, or do you struggle to avoid hurting, disappointing, or angering others?
It can be easier to try to meet others’ expectations and avoid conflict. We may even believe we are making someone happy by not speaking our truth. What’s the cost? Slowly giving up fragments of who we genuinely are: our authentic self.
There was a time when right and wrong worked for me. I had stability, harmony, and a practical path for pursuing a career in accounting, marrying a wonderful man, and raising three beautiful children.
I didn’t realize I was following expectations of what I thought should make me happy based on what I learned and believed to be true. I was living on the surface, stuck in the paradigm of right and wrong. Though I was happy, something was missing.
Until I ventured within and followed my real passion (psychology, writing, and seeking spiritual truth), I couldn’t see that I’d been living in the framework of family norms and social conditioning, not knowing how to listen to myself.
I grew up shy, fearful of having the wrong answer, one that didn’t fit into what others told me I should be, do, know, and think.
The social mask forms the moment we’re born and we hear our first words. We learn to please, meet expectations, and avoid sharing our feelings, which can turn into a lifelong struggle to be good enough, know enough, and have enough.
We long to be seen and heard for who we are unconditionally, but we find ourselves on the path of conditional love, seeking the approval and appreciation from others that we eventually discover must come from within.
When I began sharing my ideas, it went against expectations of “right and wrong,” and I faced criticism and judgment. I was finally following my own values and the things that excited me.
I’d eagerly share with my family, not realizing how far “out of the box” I’d gone, and was met with silence, or criticism behind my back.
As I stepped into my beliefs, I encountered defensiveness and attempts to prove I was wrong. Conflict for the first time! Both of us were living in our ego’s fear, needing to be right in a space of “how could you think that?”
Then a twenty-year friendship ended abruptly when I wasn’t following her “right” way of business ethics.
As university friends, we had both become coaches, leaving behind our corporate careers, and suddenly I was a competitor instead of a friend.
She felt the need to control the way I did business. Sadly, it turned out to be more important than our friendship.
Soon after, I faced blaming, false assumptions, and horrific judgments from a friend of over a decade. I no longer followed her “right way,” which culminated in a six-page letter about why I was wrong, and who I should be—otherwise this friendship wasn’t working for her!
I was shocked, and felt enormous hurt, disbelief, and some things I didn’t expect: anger, hatred, and resentment.
I hadn’t felt this intensity of negative emotions toward anyone in my entire life. I couldn’t forgive because I’d become attached to my way needing to “be right” for her.
At the same time I’d developed a strong inner trust, validated by the most fulfilling life experiences in all areas of my life. Suddenly, I could see that who was right and wrong didn’t matter.
I was judging her for judging me!
I was also trying to correct her in an effort to fix her, convincing her of my beliefs, needing to control, or trying to change her to make me happy.
It often happens with those close to us who are now hurting us with their “disregard, disobedience, or disrespect” for not following our right way.
I now held the energy of criticism (finding fault, complaining), and judgment (blaming, resentment, punishment). While I trusted what was right for my well-being, I needed to let go of it being right for someone else.
Doing this does not mean we accept or absolve responsibility for all manner of words and behavior. It just means that we stop blaming and judging someone else and consider that they’re doing their best from their own state of consciousness.
The constructive or destructive choices they make form their learning and experiences, and can only be 100% their responsibility.
We may have the best of intentions with our criticism and judgment, and we might find ways to punish, yell, impose, demand, and justify them as the “right way,” but love does not condemn.
When we’re coming from a place of love, we share, teach, and role model in a space of curiosity, compassion, and understanding.
How do you communicate authentically from a judgment-free space so others will stay open to your thoughts? It may help to use these phrases:
- I notice that…
- Are you willing to…
- I’m curious about…
- Here’s how I’m feeling, what are you feeling?
- Are you open to hearing my thoughts and feelings around this?
- Here’s what I desire for our relationship…what do you want?
- Are you willing to listen to my point of view, even if it may not be the same as yours?
- I’m feeling disappointed or not okay with….because what’s important to me is…
- I think/believe that…what do you think/believe?
- What exactly did you mean by…
- I just want to understand where you’re coming from, can you say more about…?
You may want to avoid certain phrases that come across as criticism and judgment, as they may cause defensiveness and affect other’s ability to be authentic with you:
- You should…
- You never….
- You always…
- Why can’t you get that….
- What’s wrong with you?
- Why or how can you not see that…
- I’m so disappointed that you…
- How could you…?
- I can’t believe you…
- You are so…
I’ve learned that, at times, I cannot be authentic because it will bring out someone’s ego (blaming, complaining, condemning), even if I share from a genuine place of love.
We have no control over where someone chooses to live on the spectrum of fear versus love, and must discern whether there’s space to share—and what’s better left unsaid, so we don’t step on other people’s spiritual path.
Sometimes we may simply need to wish others well on their journey, creating a new space for both sides to reflect on what truly matters. This is also a loving choice.
And when you love without judgment, you won’t need to be right because you’ll be free.
“Out beyond ideas of right and wrong there is a field. I will meet you there.” ~Rumi
Photo by Elvert Barnes
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When Everything Goes Wrong: Getting Through One of Those Days
“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~Maya Angelou
Sometimes you just have one of those days, where things happen to you over and over again, as if someone up above is testing to see if you really want to have a good day. Unfortunately, 95% of us give in and decide that it’s just going to be one of those days.
What if one of those days really meant the happiest day of your life, despite the fact unfortunate events temporarily plague your existence?
A few weeks ago, a highway patrolman took pity on me because I was having one of those days.
It all started with a trip to the accountant. After spending a decent amount of time procrastinating on finding an accountant to dive into my complex taxes (freelancer, two businesses, consultant, full-time job, multi-state), I was finally behind the wheel hopeful for a decent return as I drove myself to a small town an hour away because of a terrific referral from a friend.
Rushed as normal due to an extended, discipline-extinct session on Facebook, I didn’t notice that the address I entered into GPS was not actually where I wanted to go.
(Note: Whenever dealing with directional streets, make sure your GPS doesn’t drop the actual name of the street and decide to take you to 109 West Street instead of 109 West Main.)
Because I was listening to a business podcast, trying to multitask instead of wasting precious time in my day, I didn’t notice my final destination was a dirt road in the middle of a ranch until I actually arrived there. Now I was lost and very late.
I called the accountant’s office for directions, mad at myself for not realizing earlier that something was not right. Because I had no idea where I was, the accountant’s office couldn’t tell me where to go. I begrudgingly re-trusted my GPS, extra careful to double-check that the directions were taking me to the real address.
Operating with a faint trace of panic in the pit of my stomach, I pulled back out onto the highway from the dirt road, only to find myself in between an oversized truck and his escort car.
The truck driver was not pleased that I broke his chain, and passed me a little too zealously. While I don’t think he intended to run me off the road, he did lack a basic understanding of how oversized his load actually was and off the road I went to save my car (and my life) from damage.
Slightly annoyed, I pulled back onto the road, knowing I would now be a little later than I already was—except this time I was in between the oversized truck and his exterior escort. Not wanting to be a part of this relationship any longer, I decided to pass all of them. At 85 mph…on a 75mph highway.
Enter the state patrol. At this point, I laughed. I really just wanted to get my taxes prepared; I wasn’t expecting getting lost on a dirt road in the middle of a ranch, getting run off the road by a wide-load truck, and getting pulled over by the highway patrol. It gets better.
Obviously unhappy, the highway patrolman brusquely let me know that I was breaking the law and he would have none of that on his watch.
He requested my driver’s license as standard procedure. As I rummaged through my oversized purse, I tried to explain that I was lost, late, and had just been run off the road by that wide-load truck in front of us, and I was just trying to get out of the way. My wallet was missing.
With a smile, I politely informed the patrolmen that I didn’t have my driver’s license. It was at this point that he chalked up the events of the previous hour to one of those days.
I nodded and proceeded to produce every form of document I had to help him find me in their “system.”
We eventually found it, though it took a good ten minutes (hint: provide your full name, including middle initial if you’re ever in a situation where a police officer needs to find you in his “system”).
I luckily got off with a warning, and went on my way. Miraculously, I arrived at the accountant’s office only thirty minutes late for my appointment.
The meeting was easy because my rudimentary organization for filing my income and expenses was apparently all that the accountant needed. In less than fifteen minutes I was headed home.
It was at this point that I realized how nutty the past hour and a half had been. It was only 11:00am. I had a full day ahead of me. It’s also at this moment when 95% of the population would have chosen to let these events define their day. I had too much to accomplish to let that happen.
The secret to making it out of those days with a sense of peace and calm? A sense of humor, deep breaths, and an appreciation for the story.
The thing is, I was able to understand that I am not my stories. I have good ones, but they don’t define me. They make others laugh and they make great blog posts and Facebook fodder, but they do not define me. I am more than my stories, my body, and my mind. I am better than that.
Give yourself more power than your stories. Rewrite them, edit them, trash them, and rearrange the plot. Allow what comes to come as it may, and then take what works and let go of the rest.
My story is a battle scar, but I cleansed my mind to allow the wound to heal quickly. I didn’t hold on, hold grudges, or hold back. I experienced it all—the panic, the fear, the laughter, the despair. And I moved on.
The rest of my day was not bad at all, but it was funny to watch the reactions on Facebook. To the commenter who observed, “What a day,” I simply replied, “That was only the morning.”
Don’t be so quick to bundle your unfortunate moments with your entire day. Think of all the moments you’re missing out on if you pre-assign them to the same fortune that found you in the past.
P.S. It was worth it. My tax return will pay for a plane ticket to Europe!
Photo by andronicusmax
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Making Difficult Choices: 6 Helpful Tips
“You are your choices” ~Seneca
It was supposed to be the most beautiful day of my life. And on the surface of it, it most definitely was:
Delicious food? Check. Glorious sunshine? Check. Excited guests? Check. Radiantly happy couple? Umm…rain check?
I hadn’t chosen him. He had been chosen for me. I had agreed to the marriage without a doubt, but as I stared down at my henna-painted hands adorned with gold of the 24-carat nature, I felt poor. I felt cheated. I felt like the victim of my own decisions.
The heavy fog of doubt started to cloud over my heart. I cannot go through with this marriage.
I hadn’t even changed out of my wedding clothes, and yet I’d already made the decision to end my marriage. But how? It was clear to me that my family would not approve.
Their disappointment would only be the start. I would be disowned. I’d be shunned from the community and would be more alone than ever.
Or would I?
Despite being full of fear, I had to find the courage to take the first steps in starting the ending. I waited for the courage to come. I waited for quite some time. It didn’t arrive.
Courage is a combination of many things: perspective, introspection, relentlessness, intention. Courage comes after the act.
So instead, I pictured how my life would look 20 years later, in a marriage that had not flourished, after a decision that had not served me. The image of a life I didn’t want fueled the momentum toward what I did want.
And so it was up to me to take the first steps. I had made my choice. And that choice manifested itself in many life lessons that I apply to this very day.
Accounting for the perspective of everyone is paralyzing. We must own the choices we make. Boldness itself is a conscious choice. These tips may help you make it.
1. Feel present.
Yes, you have to deal with the consequences of your choices, but you cannot control what happens as events unfold. It likely won’t be anywhere near as bad as you worry it may be.
My family did not disown me. They supported me in ways I had only secretly imagined.
Focus on what you can control—what you do now.
2. Feel bold.
Once you make the decision, it’s made. Once you take, action, it’s done. Not everybody will agree with you. But you agree with you. And that’s a start.
3. Feel thankful.
I could have been living in a country where marriage laws were gender-biased, where my decision could have remained in my heart and not realized. But I was in a country where the law was on my side, irrelevant of my gender. I had an education; I had the freedom to choose. So many do not have the same opportunity.
4. Feel contagious.
That one bold move I made was not the only one in my life. That’s the thing with taking deliberate action; it becomes addictive. It bursts into other areas of your life—your job, your health, your relationships. It becomes a habit.
5. Feel united.
There is a difference between thinking you can do something alone and realizing you don’t have to. Those that loved me guided my heart. They held me when I was afraid. They strengthened me when I felt defeated.
Remember, you’re not alone with your choice.
6. Feel original.
Doing everything by the book isn’t always advised. Rules have been written for people who choose to follow them. Are you one of those people? Which rules are you going to challenge?
What you do defiantly today could impact the decision someone else makes tomorrow.
What audacious action are you willing to take? Big or small? Right now?
Photo by mrhayata
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Forgiving People Who Show No Remorse: Have You Suffered Enough?
“That which I do not forgive in you, lies unforgiven within myself.” ~Buddhist Proverb
When I decided to forgive the driver that killed my nine-year-old son, I struggled to believe I could or should.
In the beginning of my grief I had so much anger toward her, and because she was not showing remorse, I wanted to find ways to punish her so that she would be in the same pain that I was.
She did not come forward to say she was sorry or try to meet up with me after the accident, and this was hard for me to understand. Trying to cope with my overwhelming grief, as well, it was easy to stay angry with her.
It was about six months after our son’s tragic death when I began to read a few books on grief, and read that forgiveness is an important factor in moving forward.
In order for me to even think of forgiveness, I first tried to understand the driver’s emotions, thoughts, and feelings. When I realized she also had a story of her own, forgiving her actions became plausible.
Even though I had never met her, friends of mine had heard she was not doing well emotionally. Not long after the accident she began spending more and more time in her room, feeling overwhelmed by her guilt, and she began to withdraw from her three sons and her husband.
They felt they had lost their mother. When I heard this, it shifted my image of her. I realized she was a mum, too, who was also experiencing overwhelming feelings, and so this softened my anger.
Still, there was nothing easy about forgiveness. It took courage and a true consciousness of will to let go and allow myself to come to a place of peace about the accident.
When I began to write a letter to the driver, I tried not to think too much about what I was doing and was surprised how the words flowed. I was ready to forgive.
After finishing the letter I knew that I would have to send it without being attached to an outcome. I knew it was about a release of emotions for me, and that I couldn’t be concerned with whether she would thank me or not.
A few weeks after sending it, I began to feel lighter, and over time I began to feel less agitated and angry toward her and more compassionate about her journey.
I thought less about my anger and seeking justice, and focused my energy on healing and growing through my grief, even though she never replied to my letter.
I want you to know that forgiving doesn’t mean that you have given the message that what someone did was okay. It just means that you’ve let go of the anger or guilt toward someone and yourself, and that gives you both freedom.
Yes, it is difficult. I have found it is my daily practice of meditation and yoga that has overtime enabled me to let go. Allowing time in stillness each day helps slow the negative and guilt-ridden thoughts.
I’ve also learned to consciously shift from negative thoughts about the accident to positive memories. We may not be able to choose our circumstances, but we can choose how we think about them.
When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link into freedom.
We need to learn to forgive ourselves too. When we have wronged others with our words or thoughts, we need to forgive and let go of our guilt and remorse.
Whenever you feel yourself clinging to guilt or anger, go to a place of stillness and take some deep relaxing breaths. Imagine the person you want to forgive (or seek forgiveness from) standing in front of you.
Tell them exactly how you feel or what you wished you said before. Then either ask their forgiveness or forgive them.
Now, visualize the other person receiving those words, and see that they have accepted this offer. Then take a deep breath in and as you let go, see your guilt or anger lift from both of you, and see yourself surrounded in light. Thank this person and then release them in love.
When we hold onto anger and pain in our hearts, we stop the flow and love and abundance into our lives.
Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky notes that when we feel wronged, our first inclination is to respond negatively, and this is a natural feeling for most people. You can’t convince those in deep anger that forgiveness will help free them from pain.
It seems that most people need to experience a great deal of suffering before they will relinquish resistance and accept—before they will forgive. The question is: How long will you suffer before you feel it is time to work on forgiveness?
I encourage you to consider it now, because while we are trapped in our past hurts we cannot live fully in the truth of this moment.
When I released my anger toward the driver, I believe I released it for my family too, and unconsciously this brought us closer together and has helped us move forward in our grief.
Denying forgiveness blocks the flow of love and positive energy within you and around you.
If you’re feeling heavy and burdened, and are ready to stop suffering, know that when you lift the weight of your pain, you are lifting it for all your loved ones, and this is a powerful gift to give.
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Dance Through the Storm of Uncertainty: 5 Tips for Grace and Peace
“Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens.” ~Epictetus
I am in an unfamiliar place and I find myself waiting. It is not clear who or what I am waiting for. I then hear a gentle tapping at the door. I approach the door, but stand before it in silence.
My pulse quickens as I wait. I make no attempt to answer the knock until a voice whispers, “It is me.” This is when I open the door.
I awoke from this dream feeling a bit unsettled. I couldn’t remember the exact quality of the voice. Whether it was male or female remains a mystery. But I did recognize this dream as a metaphor for all that was happening in this particular period of my life.
I was faced with a life-altering decision—something I had emphatically said “no” to at an earlier time. My best childhood friend had offered to be a gestational surrogate for my husband and me after multiple miscarriages and two pre-term birth losses, but I wouldn’t even consider it.
That is not the way nature intended it, was my initial thought. A child should be created out of love, I had said in response to her offer.
In time, my perspective began to shift and I recognized that this was truly an act of love. A trusted friend was willing to help me in bringing a desired child into the world. Why would I not accept this beautiful gift?
It was easier for my husband to come to this decision than it was for me. I had to replace a long-held dream—the natural childbirth experience I had once imagined.
This would also be the ultimate lesson in letting go. So much would be beyond my control.
After months of introspection, research, guidance, and prayer, it then felt right to walk through this new door that had opened up to us.
Saying yes to this process was creating an opportunity for new life. It was an opening to another experience that the hand of life was extending in my direction.
Still, there was much uncertainty in daring to venture onto this new path of assisted reproduction. The series of legal and medical steps seemed enormous before we actually experienced them. But each step leading up to the actual procedure went better than expected.
Now after two unsuccessful outcomes, I have had to again re-adjust to a different reality than the one I had come to embrace. It has been a process—releasing what should have been in order to accept what is.
“The odds are in your favor,” the doctor had originally said. I knew there were no guarantees, but I hadn’t truly considered this daunting possibility. Why then was I led down this road of uncertainty?
I have come to see that at times there is no definite answer to the question “why?” Life is not a straight, newly paved highway where we can clearly see in the distance. Even when we intuitively get a glimpse of what’s ahead, we still have to deal with how best to get to where we hope to be.
Instead, life appears to be more of a dance with its twists and turns. There is a rhythm and flow to each step, even though we may not yet be comfortable with all the transitions. Each movement leads to a fuller expression of our greatest potential.
How do we best learn this dance? Experience is the greatest teacher I know. Still, we need guidance. Life is not a solo act.
Here are five guiding principles to assist you in your dance with uncertainty:
1. Practice integrity, intention, and purpose.
That is the basic choreography. It requires that you pay close attention to your beliefs, thoughts, words, choices, and actions. What lends purpose and meaning to your life? Natural talent matters, but practice is what develops skill.
Integrity: Be honest in all aspects of your life. Seek to know who you are and who you ultimately want to be.
Intention: Be clear about what you most desire and take steps in the direction of your dreams.
Purpose: Know why you want this new reality. Does it add meaning to your life?
2. Be flexible.
See every challenging step as an occasion to stretch. Stand tall as you grow in resilience. Breathe deeply and rise to the occasion when presented with new choreography.
3. Know when to “freestyle.”
Freestyle is improvisational dance. We are creative beings and while there are necessary steps to be taken, there is still plenty of room for spontaneity and artistic expression.
Take risks and embrace your unique style. You might step on a few toes, but always remain true to what is essential in you.
4. Trust your partner.
Whether you practice a traditional religion or view spirituality in universal terms, trust life to lead the way. Unleash your greatest effort and then relax into the arms of grace.
Know that there is divine order to this dance we call life. Whatever is meant to happen, will. Whatever is meant to be, will be. Do what is within your power and surrender the rest.
5. Enjoy the dance.
Life is meant to be fun. Lighten up and release the need to get it right the first time. Perfection is subjective and trophies collect dust. Laugh at yourself and keep moving. It will all come together. At times, better than you expected.
Photo by Angela Gonzalez
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Why It’s Okay to Live a “Boring” Life If That’s What You Want
“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama
Some people know from the time they are small what they are going to be “when they grow up.”
I, at various times, was going to be an archeologist, paleontologist, veterinarian, famous rock musician, famous film director, actor, studio guitar player, music production engineer, choir teacher, choral composer, less famous film director, film editor, screenwriter, alpaca farmer, or cattle farmer.
As of this writing, I make wedding films and assist my wife with wedding photography. There is no fame, enough money, but no riches and no acclaim. Despite being told how special, intelligent, and talented I was as a child, and how I could do anything, my life has ended up being quite ordinary and, dare I say, a little boring. And I wouldn’t change one bit of it.
Our culture seems intensely focused on passion and dreams. The most popular shows are all about people competing for the chance to live their dreams. The thing that stands out to me so starkly is the reactions of the people that don’t win.
So often they will say something along the lines of “I just don’t understand how I didn’t win. I wanted it so badly. I wanted it so much more than all the other contestants.” As if wanting and desire is all that’s necessary to achieve a goal!
I spent most of my life floating at a level of desire. Wanting things, relationships, experiences, sometimes having the desires fulfilled, most times not.
Even when I got what I wanted, it only would make me happy for a brief time, always looking for something outside myself to satisfy me.
Amid that was also the ego’s constant desire for specialness. I was smart and talented, so I deserve to be noticed and have an interesting job and a wonderful, amazing life. But life had different ideas for me.
After high school I was planning to attend a music school in California to study guitar performance. However, when I was nineteen, I left home for two years to volunteer for my church at the time. During those years, my priorities shifted, and I was no longer sure if living as a touring musician lined up with more important spiritual goals, as well as goals of wanting a family.
I shifted my thinking to music production, and then choral education after a girlfriend mentioned it as a possibility. I was going to teach choir. I had great times performing, composing, and learning.
Two years into my degree, my wife and I started dating and got married. Around the same time I transferred to a different college, in a different city nearby. I was not taking very many classes, but one by one, they all fell by the wayside.
One class I needed another prerequisite, another I had missed too much to catch up because of my wedding and honeymoon, and then I was left with a choir class that I soon realized I hated. Did I really want to do this for the rest of my life?
I withdrew from college and just worked. From the natural foods store, to the steak and buffet restaurant, to the parking garage, to the telemarketing center, to the law firm copy center. We talked about going back to college at some point, but could not afford to pay outright and did not want student loans.
When I looked at going back to college, I ran into a lesson I’ve tried hard to remember since. Too many careers that popped up would require me to have made different choices for the past twenty years to make them work.
I thought about going back to school to become a veterinarian, but it would take me a decade, and I would not have the advantage of having volunteered at a vet’s office when I was twelve to put on my resume!
During that time my wife started her wedding photography business. It took a few years, but eventually we had enough work that I could quit my other job and help her full time. At the same time I renewed my interest in spiritual development and discovered Dr. David Hawkins’ writings, which led to my present commitment to enlightenment as my primary goal in life.
If I had gotten everything I desired, I doubt I would have made those discoveries and learned that acceptance and surrender are a surer path to joy than following desire. Now I have nothing of what people would consider ambition. I have very few goals, and no five or ten-year plan.
It might seem that I have become some kind of shiftless drifter, accomplishing nothing. Overall in my life, I have tried to replace desire with intention, which is like the rudder on a ship. I have devoted myself to love, kindness, peace, and joy, and lots of waves crash against the bow of the ship, but it does not affect my heading.
With that, many things just fall into place, (or out of my life,) just without the seeking and grasping of passionate desire. I will automatically do or not do certain things because of that intention, because it is what I am.
I want to have enough for my needs, and to accept whatever comes in every moment. I trust that what comes is the perfect expression of potential in that moment. Now I know that the source of my happiness is inside me, and the circumstances of life cannot take that away from me.
That is what I mean when I say surrender and accept: accept the fact that whatever it is we want in life, we cannot control the outcome, and if we could, sometimes we do not know what is best for us anyway. Instead of a passionate striving to “accomplish” something, we set the compass, and start down the path.
We can only control our walking, not what the end of the path looks like or whether there will be anything at the end.
The more we find our happiness from within, the safer we are. We can pursue anything we want, finding joy in the process. Whether it turns out the way we envisioned or not becomes irrelevant, because we didn’t bet all our joy on that outcome.
I thought I wanted to be special and important, but life led me to something very normal and a little boring. I could try to change it, but it is the perfect life for me.
So if we haven’t made it to some dream life that is fueled by passion, there can be great peace in learning to find the joy in being ordinary. To those of us that are led to follow our dreams, just love the dream, and surrender the result. Maybe your dream will come true, but if not, being boring is pretty great too.
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Making Changes When the People Around You Resist Your Plan
“The greatest step toward a life of simplicity is to learn to let go.” ~Steve Maraboli
So I took the plunge. I stated out loud that I wanted to simplify my life.
I wanted to have a life where what I did for a living and how I lived were more in balance with the person I am and aspired to be. The waterfall effect of that verbal declaration catapulted my life into a stratosphere of change that I am still learning to just “go with.”
Three weeks after that declaration, I got “downsized” at work. Okay, I thought, the universe is listening, so no turning back now.
I started with putting my house up for sale. Up went the “for sale” sign.
Next came the purge. Closets were emptied, for-sale ads were posted, and stuff began to clear out. I donated and sold what seemed to be the physical barrier to my new life of “less is more.”
Finally came the decision: What did I want to be when I grow up? Who we are and what we do always seemed to melt into one for me, so now I had a clean slate, and the “life worth creating” journey began.
I scoured the career guides, took all the personality tests, hired a life coach. All the while, my external search for career satisfaction was in misalignment with my new values and the journey I had begun.
So, I finally decided: No more suits, no more cubicle life, and no more aspiring to climb a ladder that I did not even care about.
I read a great quote: “Better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want than the top of the ladder you don’t.”
I decided that I was not searching for a new job; I was creating a life. I wanted to write and share my adventures and experiences along the way. I had a dream of inspiring people to dare to dream and achieve what they once thought was impossible. So the new life career began.
In all my newness and transformation the one thing I had not counted on was the resistance I would receive from those in my inner circle.
I guess I had assumed that people would be genuinely happy for me if I were happy.
Unfortunately, that was not the case. They questioned why I wanted to sell my house and belongings, and worse yet, even give my stuff away. People asked me daily where I was going to live.
A friend runs a charity that enables physically challenged people to experience outdoor adventure. Fantastic, I thought!
This was exactly in alignment with what I believed to be an essential part of my journey. A donation of gear to the charity enabled additional people to get out and adventure where they had never before.
This brought about a series of objections and questions from multiple parties about why I wasn’t selling my stuff rather than donating. I was really starting to think that people were missing the point.
The largest objection of all came in regards to my career, or lack of a career pursuit. A declaration of not wanting to go back to an office, sit all day under fluorescent lights, and climb the invisible ladder to misery seemed to stun family and friends alike.
I frequently heard, “But you went to university and have all this experience,” especially from family members who helped fund the academic letters behind my name. No amount of explaining seemed to dull the sound of objections.
So in all of this, I have managed to stay on course, even if it has been a bumpy road, by learning a few lessons and following a few guiding principles to keep the wolves at bay.
If you’re also making a life change and experiencing resistance from the people around you, these ideas may help:
1. Realize that other people’s objections often have more to do with the noise in their heads than the words you say.
Safety, security, and a certain amount of life predictability cloak the people in my life like Linus’ security blanket.
As they watched me doing the proverbial running naked down the street thing, throwing caution to the wind after acknowledging that there was no security net, no new career prospects, and that I wanted to create a life based upon writing and adventuring, there came about an incessant need to throw their blankets over my shoulders to keep me safe from my goal of living a life of simplicity.
Objections are often about other people, not us.
2. Those closest to you may believe they’re an expert on your life.
If I had received a dollar every time I heard, “If I were you, I would…” I would already have a steady stream of income coming in. Remembering that I am the expert of my own life and know why I am on the path I am has helped dull the volume of platitudes I heard on a regular basis.
Trust that you know what’s best for you.
3. Prove to yourself this you’re making the right choice.
Some days it felt like I was the weak animal waiting to get preyed on during my transformation into a new life, because as soon as I would show doubt, insecurity, or even waffle a tiny bit on whether I was doing the right thing for me, the people closest to me pounced.
The best defense to these challenges was proof. As time went by and I stayed on course, their challenges began to decrease in volume. Anyone with doubt became less resistant and some even became satisfied as I became happier and in balance with my new life choices.
When you stay the course, people start to accept it.
4. Have a plan.
I have learned in my new journey that without a plan, I am just a leaf blowing in the wind. It is not enough that I say that I want to make a change. That does not make a parent feel confident in their child’s quest for a new life or allow a partner to have faith that an income will be generated.
So I have made an actionable plan, with milestones and tangible goals that, when achieved, help reinforce my adventurous journey of a new life.
Making a plan helps you and reassures the people who are trying to look out for you.
5. Be patient.
I’ve learned to have patience with others and myself. Recognizing where people come from, the stories in their own heads, and the story in mine assists in keeping me on track.
Keeping perspective and learning to let go of other people’s fears and objections enables you to continue on, one step at a time.
I am by no means an expert on self-help, making life changes, or living a life of simplicity. What I have learned, though, is that other people’s objections can fuel the flame and reinforce our decision to create a new life.
Photo by Alcino
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Scared to Try: Moving Beyond the Paralysis of Perfectionism
“Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” ~Isabel Allende
I am a recovering perfectionist.
Up until now, this is the only way I’ve known how to live. The thrilling burn of perfection invaded every aspect of my life to the point that I became paralyzed by fear. If I couldn’t do it right, I didn’t want to do it at all.
When I was younger, I allowed the desire for perfection to control all of my actions. In music, if I couldn’t sit first chair, I didn’t want to play an instrument at all. In sports, if I couldn’t play first singles, I wanted to put the tennis racket down.
All of the choices I made reflected back on what I could do perfectly.
Several things happened.
First, I was never satisfied. Even when I was the best, I was always looking over my shoulder at someone else who wanted my spot. I also doubted my accomplishments and thought, “Anyone could’ve done this.”
Second, my admirable drive to succeed transformed into something ugly. I became paralyzed by fear. If I couldn’t play my scales perfectly, I stopped practicing for fear of hitting a wrong note.
And then the fear turned into anxiety. I fretted about going on auditions because someone who doesn’t know her scales certainly isn’t going to get chosen for first chair. I was stuck between the wanting and the work.
I wanted to be the best, but I didn’t want to work at something that I might not ever achieve. The threat of failure was too much to bear.
As I got older, my perfectionism made me more and more miserable. Reasonable goals that were attainable as a child morphed into more challenging goals that were more difficult to achieve as an adult. My ultimate goal: I wanted the perfect life.
Wanting more, yet full of fear, I continued to eagerly seek the promise of perfection. As if to spite these desires, my world got smaller and smaller. Finally, I stopped taking any action.
If I couldn’t be a best-selling author, I wasn’t going to write a word. If I couldn’t run as fast as the person next to me, I’d get off the treadmill. If I couldn’t decorate my house just like the pictures in glossy magazines, I wouldn’t put anything on the walls.
And it got worse. If I couldn’t have the perfect house, I’d live in a cluttered mess. If I couldn’t be the perfect size, I’d stuff my face. If I couldn’t be the fastest and the best and the most perfect and the brightest and the shiniest and the most beautiful, I just wouldn’t do any of it.
So you see, instead of living comfortably in the middle of perfection and failure, I went completely the other direction. Because my world was black and white—either I was successful in everything that I touched or I was an utter failure. I couldn’t live in the grey space. I couldn’t be happy with my effort—with the thrill of just trying something new.
Finally, I came to the point where there was only one thing that I wanted to do because I knew I could do it perfectly.
What was this magic thing that I could do without any threat of failure?
Walk the dog.
I could walk that dog for a solid fifteen minutes and do everything right. I’d put on that leash, walk up and down the block, give her time to do her business, pick up the business in a baggie, and return home. I was a solid A dog walker.
But boy was I unsatisfied.
I had dreams and passions and hopes and aspirations. But I didn’t dare touch any of those things for fear of failure. I couldn’t bear the sting of defeat.
So I walked and walked and walked that dog. I was neglecting my other interests, which would pop into my mind and quickly get pushed out, but my joyous, tail-wagging, tongue-lolling dog certainly loved every second of it.
And then I learned two life-changing lessons.
My first lesson came from my dog. Just watching her pure joy of life—her contentedness to just be—had a positive effect on me. Instead of focusing on being the best dog on the block, she drank in the sunshine and set her sights on appreciating her surroundings.
That contented dog has taught me more about life that I ever thought possible.
My second lesson came from a day at our town’s street fair. The organizers brought in a rock-climbing wall, and I plopped down near the wall to eat a snack. I watched the kids excitedly scurry to the top and come whizzing back down.
One girl, about ten years old, made her way to the front of the line. She got strapped into a harness and approached the wall.
What came next was painful to watch. She tried climbing the wall and stumbled again and again. One step up, one step down.
She couldn’t grab a foothold, and the other kids waiting their turn started to become anxious. To my amazement, she didn’t seem to notice her detractors. One step up, one step down.
She went on like this—without making an ounce of a progress—for a good ten minutes. By this point, the kids behind her became loud and restless. They wanted her to stop trying—to stop wasting everyone’s time.
But she kept on. One step up, one step down. Watching her perseverance, something I didn’t have at my age and certainly didn’t have at eight years old, made me cry.
I was so proud of this little girl—this stranger who reminded me of the person I wish I had been. Even if I couldn’t be the best, I wish I tried.
Finally, tired and sweaty, she backed away from the wall. Instead of looking defeated, she had a huge smile on her face. She turned around and ran towards her mom.
“Mom,” she cried. “I almost did it! Can I try again later?”
And with those simple words, I was a changed person—a recovering perfectionist.
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Is Optimism Hard-Wired? 6 Ways to See the Glass as Half Full
“If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” ~Mary Engelbreit
My best friend called me on the phone last night. Of course, it’s not unusual to get a call from your best friend. But this call was one that really got me thinking about myself and the way I view life.
Kent has been my best friend since we were eleven years old. We met during summer camp the year after his dad died. We didn’t even like each other at first, as he was a tall, gangly geek and I was a short, muscular athlete. Somehow, though, we became friends and the relationship has lasted for almost forty years.
Kent hasn’t had an easy life. After his dad died, his mother had to work as a maid in the local hotels. While that’s an honorable profession, it kept her working during holidays and weekends.
He hung out with my family on most holidays. In fact, we jokingly refer to him as the “fourth McKinney son.”
When we were in our twenties, Kent contracted a (usually) fatal virus.
He’s been living with it all this time, and has been told to “get your affairs in order” more than once. I’ll never forget the time he called me crying because the doctor had said he only had three months to live.
“Tim! I have a one-year-old son. What am I going to do? He won’t even remember me.”
I promised my best friend that I would share all of Kent’s embarrassing stories with his son. And, when I hung up the phone, I cried too.
Kent didn’t die that year, or any of the other years since. That son grew up to join the Army and is now on active duty.
Last night we were talking, and Kent mentioned that he was going a get-together with a family who’d lost a son in the Iraqi war. I said, “Oh, that must be so difficult. Those poor people!” My friend simply replied, “I came away from it with a tremendous respect and appreciation for the sacrifice these people made.”
What? Kent has a son who is in the military! How can he handle being around someone who lost their son? While I was thinking about how hard it would be to be around someone who’d lost a child, my friend was focusing on being grateful.
And then it hit me. Kent is always like that.
Even though Kent has lived his entire life with the cloud of mortality over his head, he became a person who ceaselessly volunteers time, money, energy, and everything for those who are less fortunate than him.
In contrast, my wife and I have a running joke about my pessimism. We joke that we could both walk into a room that has a giant window overlooking the ocean. Upon seeing the window she would exclaim, “Oh my! Look at that gorgeous sunset.” And I would say, “That window is filthy. And what’s with that crack up at the corner?”
I don’t mean to see the negative side of life first. I’m just hard-wired to do so.
How can someone like me overcome my natural tendency to be pessimistic? I did some brainstorming and came up with six ways you to see the glass as half full.
1. Stop comparing yourself to others.
When a friend of yours gets a raise, a new car, or loses a bunch of weight, don’t reflect it back on yourself. It’s not about you! Just because you didn’t get a raise, are driving an old Volkswagen, and have a spare tire around your middle doesn’t mean that you never will improve. When we compare ourselves to others, we usually fare poorly.
2. Change your focus.
Optimism and pessimism are nothing more than feelings. If you sit around dwelling on why your life sucks, you’re going to feel pessimistic. If you shift those thoughts to ones of gratitude, you’ll feel more optimistic.
3. Look for positive signs everywhere.
I have another friend who, whenever she sees a penny on the ground, picks it up and thinks of one thing she is grateful for. It doesn’t have to be a penny. You can do this when you see an airplane overhead, a white cat, or some other trigger that will remind you to stop and feel grateful.
4. Listen to uplifting music.
It’s almost impossible to be pessimistic when you’re listening to Josh Groban’s “You Raise Me Up.” If you find yourself in a pessimistic frame of mind, put on something that will shift those feelings from negative to positive.
5. Detach from outcomes.
The key in being optimistic is to develop the attitude that if one opportunity passes, another one will be along soon. Don’t believe me? Take a look at your life and identify a couple of things that you really wanted and didn’t get. Chances are you can look back at it now and feel glad that you didn’t get it.
6. Stop saying you are a pessimist.
Words are powerful. If you start to think of yourself as an optimist, start telling people that you’re an optimist, then it will soon become true. How do I know? Because I’m an optimist, too.
Photo by Bailey Weaver
