Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • Tragedy Can Help Us Find Our Life’s Purpose

    Tragedy Can Help Us Find Our Life’s Purpose

    Alive

    “Sometimes in tragedy we find our life’s purpose. The eye sheds a tear to find its focus.” ~Robert Brault

    Just over two decades ago, I happened to be planted in the Midwest. Chicago. The southside to be exact. A location once recognized as a haven for successful black people handling their business while their kids frolicked throughout the streets, making up secret handshakes, basking in the sun and enjoying their youth.

    And then, as the years progressed, things began to change; our haven was becoming less safe.

    As if a nebulous cloud began to form over our neighborhood with a torrential rainstorm of bullets impending, some parents forced their children to stay inside as the lightening and thundering began to rain down.

    The unfortunate news is that some children of varying generations were left out in the storm, with many, many lives lost due to senseless violence. And I wondered, “Why me?” Why do I deserve such shelter while so many of my brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles must brave the storm and suffer?

    “Why was I so blessed?”

    You see, I may not have grown up with the riches of the world, but I was indeed wealthy—inundated with support, guidance, education, and love. I was recognized as “one who would make it out,” and indeed I did, but not without the scars, physically and emotionally, to show for it.

    As I journeyed forward, attending a top twenty university, my erudite persona led many of my classmates to believe that my younger years were a cake walk—that I must have come from a rich, wealthy and white neighborhood. But in fact, I was born amongst my own, tender brown, beautiful skin.

    But still, my peers did not believe me. I was in a battle. Lest did I know, it was much with myself.

    So I began to fear and hate where I was from so much that I often cried to my mother, screaming that I did not want to return home during the summer months. But I had to anyway. So I did—in mental steel shackles—going straight from work to the gym to home everyday in fear, feeding the hunger of my hatred even more.

    I was such a frustrated young man who had the world in the palm of his hands, but who had not yet recognized its power.

    It wasn’t until I began traversing that palm that I realized there was a much bigger world out there and that many more people had gone through far more than me, and interestingly enough, still had enough umph to persist and fight on.

    So I decided to give it a shot. Try it out. Test it out and venture to places, near and far away, discovering more of the world while discovery myself. As I did, the pain of Chicago traveled with me. A few years ago, right after I moved to the Dominican Republic, I received this email on January 7, 2010 from my mother:

    Hey babe. Some sad news, Cody was killed on Sunday right down the street. He was with Marlon in a car and a guy walked up and shot them both, but Cody died on Monday with 14 gunshot wounds. So sad. I love you.

    And then later again that year, a few days after I followed my dreams of moving to Los Angeles, I received a phone call from my mother stating these words:

    Marlon was killed just up the block from our house. He was with some people and someone came up and shot him in the neck and back. Be Careful. Love you.

    Out of all the people in my life that had passed on, why were these two more significant?

    Sure, we did not stay in the best of contact past high school, but we shared something much stronger—something much more powerful: childhood dreams. 

    As we played football and baseball in the abandoned lot directly across the street from my house, we dreamed of growing up to become the likes of Randy Moss and Derek Jeter. We had huge dreams—dreams that we knew would one day come true.

    But after I lost both of them, the dream deflated and the big question: “why me—why am I so freakishly blessed?” returned, until I was asked an even greater question: “Why not you, Alex?”

    Instead of counting your blessings and asking why you are so blessed, why don’t you live a life focused more on sharing those blessings?’

    “Sometimes in tragedy we find our life’s purpose. The eye sheds a tear to find its focus.”

    I cried a lot and it was not until others helped me meditate upon it and realize that all the bad and unfortunate events in my life could be leveraged as lessons to help me, instead of destroy me. And indeed, they did, but it took time—years.

    The shedding of those tears did in fact help me find my life’s purpose while understanding life’s purpose, which is to teach us, to expand us, to challenge us, to grow us—to evolve us to show us that nothing is permanent in life, and to be grateful for this year, this day, this moment.

    Gratitude, once taken into practice, can change your life.

    And now, I can honestly look back with a better understanding of my past while holding gratitude for what was and what is. I choose to trust the struggle moving forward, because the more I go through and learn, the more I can help others.

    And the same goes for you. You have the power to help others.

    We are not only here to share our stories of heroism, happiness, and jubilance, but also to share our stories of hurt, pain, and sadness to be an extra shoulder to cry on and to show others that there is someone out there that not only knows their pain, but also feels it.

    So today, I ask you: what lessons have you learned from the hardest times of your life and what would you say to the person who is going through something similar right now?

    Because I guarantee there are some individuals reading your comments that could really use the love and encouragement.

    —

    This article is dedicated to Cody, Marlon, to the children of Chicago (of all generations) and to the world.

    Photo by Leland Francisco

  • 4 Lessons on Surviving and Thriving When Times Are Tough

    4 Lessons on Surviving and Thriving When Times Are Tough

    Joyful

    “Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day.” ~Unknown

    Five months ago, I was sitting outside with a friend when a mosquito bit me under the arm. I went to scratch the bite and felt a lump on the side of my breast. My doctor sent me for a mammogram, ultrasound, and fine needle biopsy. I had breast cancer.

    I am a 44-year-old single mother of two beautiful young girls with primary custody. I am also Director of a psychology practice and self-employed.

    The day I was diagnosed was the day I lost the carefully constructed control I thought I had mastered in my life. I juggled many balls in the air every day, and they all came falling down.

    I strongly believe in salvaging good from bad, but I struggled with finding the silver lining. The fear and anxiety waiting on test results to find out if the cancer had spread were crippling, and I was haunted by dark thoughts of death.

    I was lucky. The cancer had not spread, as far as they could tell. The tumor was contained and I had a genetic test done that showed minimal benefit from chemotherapy, assuming I had lumpectomy surgery, radiation, and then took a hormone drug called Tamoxifen for the next ten years.

    I think I have found the silver lining in this journey, and my dearest hope, over and above the cancer being gone for good, is that I hold onto these lessons:

    1. Let go.

    My life before breast cancer was highly organized, disciplined, and controlled. Every spare moment was productive. I saw clients back-to-back, I ferried my daughters to activities, I crammed my weekends with social events, and I had multiple to-do lists for each facet of my life.

    I have spent the past five months going where medical people tell me to go, doing what they tell me to do, and waiting. The radiation has made me extremely tired and my brain is simply not functioning.

    I returned to work three weeks after surgery in an advanced state of denial, and kept on trying to be the old me but finally accepted I was not.

    I don’t do very much now. I go to radiation treatment each day. I come home and do some household chores and then rest. For hours. I may read a book, listen to music, play the piano, I even started a painting. I then pick my girls up from school and spend time with them. And it is a revelation.

    Control is an illusion. Letting go of control is liberation.

    2. Stop asking, “Why me?”

    Why not me? That is the profound answer I have come up with to answer this most difficult of questions. Bad things happen to good people and life is not fair. The test is genuinely is how we cope with the adversity thrown at us.

    I am proud of how I have coped with having breast cancer. I have remained psychologically intact, albeit bruised and battered, and allowed myself to be vulnerable. I have dealt with the spectre of dying and have gotten my affairs in order just in case. I also now have a bucket list, and I am crossing things off one by one.

    The purpose of life, I have decided, is not to be happy. It is to realize our potential, to love and to be loved, to do new things and take calculated risks. I do not want to get to the end of my life, be it next year or in forty years, and have regrets.

    The biggest regrets are the things we did not say or do. So focus on what you can do instead of dwelling on why there are some things you can’t.

    3. Ask for support.

    I have never been good at asking for or accepting help. I have asked people to come to appointments with me, to pick up my children, to come and sit with me while I cry. I have never been good at crying either, and I have had crying jags that lasted hours since being diagnosed.

    I had friends over one day and as they were leaving, I slid to the floor and could not get up because I was sobbing so hard. They bundled the girls and me, took us to their home, and looked after us, me weakly protesting that I was fine. The loss of control and identity associated with melting down felt soul destroying.

    So many wonderful people have offered to help, and I am learning to say, “Yes, thank you, that would be lovely.” And it has made me and my relationships stronger, not weaker.

    Sometimes we have to ask for what we need and accept being vulnerable.

    4. Practice gratitude.

    In the blur of normal life, I think we are all guilty of wanting more. We forget to be grateful for what we have, and at its most fundamental, that is life. I would love to be able to write that I am now genuinely grateful for my life, but this would not be entirely true just yet. I slip into denial at times and fall back on old habits, but I am learning.

    I am grateful for the immense generosity of my parents, my friends, and my boyfriend, who have given of their time, money, and emotional energy. The parents at my children’s school who delivered us meals. My work colleagues, who have kept my business going, and acquaintances who have contacted me to express their concern.

    I have let go of the disappointment I felt over those people who I expected to be there for me but were not.

    I have also found myself grateful for things that I took for granted. For my beautiful children, a vase of flowers in the hallway, a good cup of coffee, a flock of birds on my walk, or the ability to pay the bills. I am grateful that I am not dead.

    Mindfulness and gratitude let us stay in the present and ward off anxiety, which comes from living in the future.

    I obviously do not know what the future will hold. My chance of dying from breast cancer related illness is a lot higher than average, but I am so lucky. I am lucky to be alive, and so are you.

    Every day we are not in the ground is a good day, a chance to remake ourselves and our lives into things of value and beauty. Tragedy and trauma can have silver linings. Sometimes it is hard to find them and even harder to hold on to them, but I am holding on tight.

    Photo by geralt

  • Buddha Doodles: Get Comfortable Not Knowing

    Buddha Doodles: Get Comfortable Not Knowing

    Buddha_Doodles_NotKnowing_MollyHahn

    Source: Buddha Doodles

  • Say Goodbye to Your “I” and Hello to Freedom

    Say Goodbye to Your “I” and Hello to Freedom

    “More important than the quest for certainty is the quest for clarity.” ~Francois Gautier

    It’s the last place in a million years I ever thought I would find myself.

    Stuck in a day job I had originally taken to fund my art and still feed my family when times were lean. It all sounded so logical back then.

    Except that after several years, this “I” that was showing up to work had zero passion, was totally unmotivated, and not exactly someone I was too proud of.

    Which was very strange since I was always so committed with my dedication to my artistic endeavors, prior to this particular career move. “Who was this guy?” I thought.

    But hey, it was all to keep the music train rolling along while I worked on my art and building up our fan base.

    Then the band broke up.

    Suddenly without the vehicle to deliver my artistic message I was like a ship without a rudder. The job felt like I was still living the joke but couldn’t remember the punch line anymore.

    But then I was in a bit of a conundrum.

    There was this other “I” who, during this same period, had rediscovered the storyteller I had always been since childhood.

    This “I” started blogging, writing posts to inspire others to unearth their own unique story and live their passion. A first eBook was near completion. People were commenting and signing up regularly to my list.

    This “I” felt totally alive. Totally confident. Like I was doing some good in the world.

    Likewise, when I was playing guitar or producing other musical artists. People were consistently saying thank you whenever I was engaged in this work.

    Hmmm.

    So then who exactly was this “I” who was showing up to that day job? This self that was feeling so stuck? The one with all these self-limiting beliefs?

    It was almost like I had a different “I” for different situations in my life. It was really confusing.

    Did you ever have that feeling?

    I finally found the clarity I was seeking after attending a Buddhist lecture series recently.

    The Buddha says that since beginningless time, we have been grasping at a self that doesn’t really exist—a self that changes like clouds passing overhead.

    According to Buddha, this self-grasping is the root cause of all human suffering, because we’re clinging to the delusion that this self and our own happiness is more important than anyone else’s.

    I know, that sounds scary, right? Clinging to someone who’s not really there?

    Now this might be a good time to ask an obvious question you might be wondering.

    If our “I” doesn’t really exist then who’s driving the bus, right? Who decides we’re going to wear that blue shirt today? Who tells us to take a shower and get ready for work?

    That’s a fair question. (I was thinking the very same thing when this was first presented to me)

    But I learned that if you really believe there’s this independently existing fixed self called “you” then you should be able to point to it, right? Like your refrigerator over in the corner. “Yes, there ‘I’ am.”

    So to see if this was true we went through the following exercise.

    You get to a centered place in your meditation (or just a quiet place, if that’s not your thing) and you contemplate a version of a self you’re very familiar with. Preferably one that feels stuck in some aspect of your life. (Bingo! The guy at work. That was easy)

    Then you just try to observe this self in action, as though in your mind’s eye, you’re looking over their shoulder and they don’t know you’re there. Then you ask yourself, “Is this really the person I always wanted to be?”

    Well, it was quite obvious to me the answer was no. So then you set out to locate this self to test the theory.

    Now if you just use common sense and look in the mirror you basically have only two choices where you might find this self. Either your “I” is located within your body or it’s in your mind, right? Where else could it be?

    So for example, when “you” decide to go shopping do you say, “My body is going shopping now?” No, you say, “I’m going shopping now,” right? As though this “I” is some entity other than your body.

    So this self is not located inside your body, would you agree?

    Okay, so then is your “I” located inside your mind?

    Well, think about it. You wouldn’t say, “I’m taking my mind shopping” either, would you? As though your thoughts are off to the mall? I’ll just leave my body home since that’s not me. No, you wouldn’t say that either.

    And something else: don’t you say, “These are my  thoughts” as though your “I” is in possession of them? Logic dictates that the possessor (your “I”) can’t also be the possessed (your thoughts) at the same time.

    So if this self can’t be located in your mind either, then where is it? What are we to conclude?

    It doesn’t really exist. It’s an idea, a name you ascribe to this collection of changing thoughts you call “me.” An insinuation.

    But fear not. You do exist.

    Just not in the fixed reality you thought you resided. You cannot point to this self because it’s nowhere to be found. Really, try to point to it right now.

    So if your “I” is really just an “I”dea, then what would you do if you came up with a bad idea? Like say, a self that believed they were stuck in a day job?

    You’d drop it right?

    What’s the opposite of self-limiting beliefs?

    Unlimited possibility.

    Why not identify with that instead?

    When I walked out of that class and began meditating on this concept over the following weeks and months, something eventually happened.

    I didn’t view this job in the same way anymore. It’s not that I had any renewed passion for it. I didn’t. But I realized that all the years I’ve been in this field have not been for naught. It served my creativity in a way I never saw before.

    I’ve been working in high end audio visual technologies with some of the wealthiest New Yorkers, living in these amazing spaces most only get to see on TV. Some are characters I could never invent in my wildest imagination. So the job has become the muse for a book I’ve been writing over the last few years now.

    Writing has opened up a door and shown me new possibilities with my career. Suddenly people are asking to pay me for my writing.

    An audience is building. A tiny voice says, “Keep going.” It’s the voice of a different self. One who knows it’s all going to work out.

    There’s another premise in Buddhism called patient acceptance. You can’t force life to change. You create the conditions for change to come about. Then you accept that it will come when its time has ripened. Not before.

    Maybe you can’t always change a situation by just snapping your fingers and making it go away. But you can change your perception of it.

    Change your perception and you change the world.

    Literally.

    If you’re free to realize that this self is just an idea, then you’re also free to let go of those selves that don’t serve you because they don’t produce a positive perception of events.

    You can learn to recognize them when they crop up. You can even have some fun and give them names. When they show up you can just say, “Take a hike, Larry (or Mary)!”

    You’re free to see a seemingly difficult situation as a challenge instead—an opportunity to transform it into something positive.

    And you’re free to watch with wonder what happens when you view each moment of your life in this way.

    Freedom is yours when you let go of “you.”

    Here’s to your freedom!

  • Improv(e) Your Life: Lessons on Risks, Gifts, and More

    Improv(e) Your Life: Lessons on Risks, Gifts, and More

    Improv

    “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Improv comedy is something I’ve always enjoyed. I thought it would be fun to try, so I eventually took a class. Countless classes and many laughs later, I’ve learned that improv is a lot like life. In fact, applying what you learn in improv can actually improve your life.

    Risky Business 

    Showing up at an improv class for the first time might prove intimidating or anxiety provoking for some.  I felt some nerves when taking my first class, knowing that I would have to expose myself to some degree. Being more on the introverted side of the social spectrum, this got me thinking.

    Improv can be a great strategy for overcoming shyness. To work through these types of issues, realize that you will have to take some risks. This often requires you to step out of your comfort zone. Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is key.

    I began improv by adapting Susan Jeffers’ advice to “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.”

    To do this, simply allow whatever thoughts or feelings arise within you to bubble up. Then, notice and acknowledge them without trying to change them. With practice, discomfort will become more tolerable and your comfort zone will have expanded.

    Pay Attention

    Whether you’re playing a game where you’re tracking an invisible ball that’s being thrown around, or in a scene where you have to read someone’s body language, paying attention is critical in improv.  Awareness of what’s going on around you (and within you) at any given moment is the foundation upon which improv is built.

    Bad improv ends up looking sloppy, disconnected, inconsistent, and is usually not much fun to watch.  Not paying attention to internal or external cues can obviously have negative consequences in life.

    Personally, it has sometimes been difficult for me to discern what I’m feeling emotionally. For example, this has caused strain in my relationships where the absence of strong feelings has kept me numb. As a result, I have held back in many relationships. Partners have wondered how I really feel about them and overwhelming emotional reactions have come when it’s too late.

    Thanks to improv, I’m better able to discern whatever I’m feeling in the moment. It has allowed me to explore emotional nuances in between the extremes.

    A powerful question to elicit your level of attention is: what’s happening right now? Consider both your inner state and external environment as you reflect on this question.

    Monkey See, Monkey Do

    Beginning improvisers usually commence a scene by mimicking their partner’s gestures or actions. This helps them get on the same page, establishing a shared reality from which a scene can emerge.

    This approach was helpful when I was learning the guitar. I used to sit in front of the TV and mimic guitar solos note for note. This helped train my ear and showed me what was possible. Emulating my role models also kept me motivated, providing feedback on the development of my skills. In fact, I’m willing to bet that this is how they learned too.

    Motivational speaker Tony Robbins urges people to think and act like those who are where they want to be in life. Why reinvent the wheel when someone already has a good, working model? Don’t worry, differentiation will come later. It did with my guitar playing. Master the basics first.

    Gifts 

    Improv is based upon agreement. This means that you accept what’s been said or done in a scene. For instance, I was once in a scene when my partner suddenly pointed and fearfully yelled out “that spaceship is coming for us!” I accepted that statement as true and reacted as if this was actually happening.

    Many improv teachers would say that in that moment, I received a gift. That is, I was given something with which I could do anything I wanted, opening up a world of possibilities and taking the scene to new and unexpected places.

    Not accepting a gift could easily ruin the illusion of a scene and keep it from evolving organically.

    We don’t always accept gifts in our everyday life. This can result in arguments, dead ends, and power struggles. For example, I recently made plans to meet up with an old friend I haven’t seen in years. I was excited about catching up with her, suggesting we have lunch at a restaurant I’ve been dying to try.

    Disappointment set in when she told me she preferred just getting a cup of coffee or tea somewhere. I wasn’t able to accept my friend’s gift, at least not right away.

    Consider how well you’re able to accept the gifts given to you by others, even when things don’t go your way.  

    Yes, And…

    In addition to accepting a gift in improv, your job is to then incorporate it into your shared reality somehow. Going back to the spaceship scene, I acknowledged it and began to panic, shouting, “Damn, I forgot to pay my intergalactic taxes!”

    This is an example of the golden rule of improv known as “yes, and.” It refers to accepting a gift that’s been given to you and giving back a gift that adds to it in some way.

    The key here is to be open to the unexpected and to go with the flow, no matter where things or how end up.

    Going back to lunch with my old friend, I saw that I wasn’t yes anding her. Once I realized this, I could then see her counteroffer as a gift. Disappointment soon faded and I became curious if there were coffee shops or teahouses in my area. My expectation was that there weren’t any.

    I was astonished to discover an amazing coffee shop just a few blocks from home. Not yes anding would’ve resulted in lingering feelings of disappointment. I would’ve also missed out on one of the best cups of coffee I’ve had in a long time!

    Practice “yes anding” things in life that you normally resist and see what happens. Doing this can increase spontaneity, heighten creativity, and allow you to better manage your expectations.

    No Scripts 

    Like improv, most of life is unscripted. Think about it: almost every conversation you’ve ever had has been improvised. Sure, you might have had some idea about what to say to someone. But things don’t usually go exactly as planned, do they?

    Others say or do things you don’t expect. Like me, you may have even surprised yourself by your own reactions or by what came out of your own mouth. Remembering that most of life is improvised can make you more easygoing. It can also keep you open to the unexpected and help anchor you in the present moment.

    Application of this principle actually helped me meet my girlfriend. One evening, I saw a beautiful woman as I got on the subway.

    Improv gave me the confidence to approach her on a crowded train, knowing that I could come up with something spontaneous to say without having to resort to cheesy pickup lines. The rest is history.

    Improving your life 

    Applying the principles of improv can help you better navigate your life in innumerable ways, even during life’s more serious or challenging scenes.

    However, I wouldn’t have been able to arrive at the ideas above by simply watching it on TV. I had to roll up my sleeves and step out of my comfort zone time and again.

    Whether or not you’ve ever done improv, I’m curious: how have you improv(is)ed your life?

    Photo here

  • You Don’t Have to Be Lonely: Proactively Choose to Connect with People

    You Don’t Have to Be Lonely: Proactively Choose to Connect with People

    Happy Brother and Sister

    “Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens.” ~ Epictetus

    Do you know that feeling when you are completely alone?

    I don’t mean in a calm, solitary, I-choose-to-be-on-my-own kinda way.

    It’s the alone that inflates with silence that makes your ears ring. It’s the ache in the pit of your gut that boils the insecurities and needless feelings of rejection. It’s the push of desperate pain that wells in your eyes and stains your cheeks.

    You know, that kind of alone?

    I never intended to feel this way. When I first moved to Paris, the images of hope and “my future starts here” were bursting from every pore.

    As I whizzed around daily life, getting to know my new colleagues, digging into shiny new work projects and exploring the jewels of this amazing city, I was so engulfed in the newness of it all that I made no time to stop and think about the long term.

    And there was no need to. I was embarking on an exciting new phase of my life. There was no time to stop and think!

    But then the newness faded. My colleagues became familiar to me. My job was less about discovery and more about delivery. My apartment was decorated. I was done being “new.”

    And that’s when reality finally sunk in.

    It was time for normality. Routine. Familiarity.

    But nothing in Paris was like my old life. I didn’t have any real friends here; nobody I could call and say “hey, let’s hang out together today.” Family were in a completely different country too.

    The emptiness was explosive.

    Humans are naturally social creatures, and I am not just gregarious; my energy comes from connecting with others. Taking this option away from me was like stripping my identity bare.

    I didn’t descend into a depression. Neither did I go out nor have wild, cocktail-soaked nights. In fact, there was no defining moment when a flare of inspiration transformed me from the no-friends-alone-on-the-weekends person to a blossoming social butterfly.

    As with anything I had in my life, friendship would take time to achieve. And even then, there was no end game, no one event that signified completion.

    Building a life filled with what I wanted would not swiftly appear through chanting a few affirmations or signing up to a list. I would have to define it for myself. It would be an evolutionary process. The difference was made using two words: what and how.

    What did I actually want? It was simple. I wanted to have someone I could call and spend some time with. But more than ever, I just wanted engagement, conversation, a spark of chemistry and shared experiences.

    I didn’t want acquaintances. I wanted real friends—the ones where we shared a mutual respect and just had each others’ back. Simple!

    How to get there started with letting go of preconceptions and insecurities, like:

    • Everyone already has a circle of friends. Why would they want to befriend me?
    • I don’t speak the language yet, so how can I engage with new people?
    • The French are notoriously unfriendly, so the odds are against me anyway.

    Thoughts like this alone could have been strong enough to keep me routed in my own self-doubt.  But my security did not come from removing the doubts, but choosing to take action in spite of them.

    My journey to finding new friends began with two main themes: the people I knew already, and the things I was interested in doing.

    I decided I would first ask a few colleagues to have lunch with me. These conversations revealed shared interests, so I asked one colleague to join me at a couture class where we learned to sew dresses. Another colleague and I went indoor-wall climbing.

    Mingled with this was using the desire to learn French to also engage with people outside of the office. I joined an online group and began meeting people who wanted to learn English and in turn they taught me French. This created a reason to meet and some common ground to work from.

    Some of these people have become irreplaceable friends and some I will probably never see again. But I found simple joy during this process. Would I ever have encountered these people if I had not made the effort to do so in the first place?

    And that is perhaps the most fundamental lesson from this experience. If I wanted friends, I had to ask for them. It was my responsibility to make the first move. There was no magic pill, no secret formula—just discovering the what and the how.

    What changes have you made to feel less lonely? What has this taught you about yourself?

    Happy kids image via Shutterstock

  • Who to Fall in Love with First: 6 Ways to Love Yourself

    Who to Fall in Love with First: 6 Ways to Love Yourself

    “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

    Most of us are so busy waiting for someone to love us that we’ve forgotten about the one person we need to love first—ourselves.

    Ironically, it was when my ten-year marriage fizzled that I began the innermost process of self-discovery about love.

    While discouraged and saddened at the crumbling of our relationship, I began to explore love more. How had it fizzled? Why had we stopped loving each other, and what had happened to our love?

    The People Who Were to Have Loved Us

    I grew up in a rather patriarchal culture and family, which had trouble expressing or showing love.

    In fact, they showed love in unusual and unhealthy of ways. My mother used harsh language, put-downs, and comparisons to others to berate, embarrass, and ridicule me about my personal habits, lack of achievement in school, and potential career choices.

    My dad showed love in the form of his belt, which lashed against my body throughout my childhood. I remember horrific lashes, which left marks around my legs, buttocks, and back. If I were lucky, the lashes were made by the softer leathery-parts of the belt. If I wasn’t, it was the buckle, which did the scarring.

    The violent strikes resulted from disobedience, for challenging my parents’ authority, and mediocre grades.

    My adolescent years were filled with memories of some of these physical scars, which have disappeared, but also emotional scars, which continued to linger.

    My ex-wife’s parents similarly showed love in unhealthy ways: ignoring her feelings, constantly criticizing and comparing her to others, and not expressing their love for her.

    What I’ve realized since our divorce was that we were two damaged people who had trouble loving ourselves, let alone each other. When the love you’ve known has been physically harmful, emotionally painful, and psychology scarring, how do you love another person?

    With this realization, I’ve had to find ways to love myself first.

    You too may have been unloved or shown love in unhealthy ways in your life. Here are some tips on loving yourself first before searching for love in your life.

    1. Be kind to yourself.

    You may have hurts, emotional pain, and shortcomings. Learn to accept yourself, shortcomings and all, even if your family and previous partners may have berated you about your inadequacies.

    We tend to be harsh on ourselves, often because the people who were supposed to love us were unusually cruel and heartless to us. We hear their non-stop chatter in our minds and our beings.

    Focus on your many positive qualities. Focus on your strengths, your abilities, and your admirable traits. Let go of harsh judgments, comparisons to others, and self-hatred.

    When you can see yourself as the soulful and divinely inspired person you are, the damaging internal dialogue doesn’t hold up.

    Be gentle with yourself.

    2. Feel the love within you and be that love.

    You may experience both self-hatred and self-love. Spend more time focusing on self-love.

    Try loving and positive affirmations. Nourish your soul through a love-kindness meditation or spiritual practices that help you feel compassion and love toward yourself.

    Once you feel vibrations of self-love or the peace of positive affirmations, try to be in that place of love throughout your day.

    Infuse this love with your interactions with others in your life.

    3. Give yourself a break.

    You’re not perfect. No one is. You don’t have to be at the top of your game every day. No one is happy all the time. No one loves themselves always. No one lives without pain.

    Be willing to embrace your imperfections and excuse your bad days. Don’t set such high standards for yourself emotionally and mentally. It’s normal to feel sadness and pain and to hit some low points in life.

    Allow yourself to embrace these emotions without judging yourself for them.

    4. Embrace yourself.

    Are you content being alone by yourself without feelings of anxiety, fear, and judgment?

    You may have to go within and seek solace in yourself to be comfortable in your own skin. Practice moments of alone time and be aware of how you treat yourself.

    Learn to embrace solitude and allow yourself to be mindful of your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about yourself.

    The process of self-discovery can happen through the process of clinical therapy or counseling. This healing process can help you discover who you are and what your obstacles to loving yourself are.

    In the alternative, periods of introspection, silent meditations, journaling, and sharing your feelings with supportive friends may help you be more aware of who you are.

    The process of loving yourself starts with understanding your true nature.

    It took a combination of meditation, therapy, writing, and silence to come to terms with my past and my present. Only once I realized I wasn’t loving myself could I attempt to change that.

    5. Be grateful.

    Rhonda Byrne, author of The Magic, shares with us a powerful way to change all of our relationships and our life.

    Byrne encourages us to practice gratefulness and regularly count our blessings.

    “When you’re grateful for the things you have, no matter how small they may be, you will see those things instantly increase,” Byrne says.

    She includes twenty-eight practices for twenty-eight days of your life to help you feel gratitude more deeply. Her initial practice is a formula to count your blessings.

    She encourages you to write out the following sentence for ten items you’re grateful for everyday.

    “I am truly blessed to have _____________, because _____________(why?).”

    You will immediately start loving yourself more when you realize all the things you’re grateful for in your life.

    6. Give yourself in service to others.

    When you think about kindness toward others and being love to others, you open the door to divine love.

    “I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.” ~Rabindranath Tagore

    Yes, giving to others is a gift of love you can often give yourself which brings you more love.

    When you’re being kind, considerate, compassionate, and giving of yourself, your soul will rejoice. You’ve reached the highest level of self-love in this state of serving others.

    Find ways to do small and large tasks to assist those living in your house, neighborhood, or community. Practice conscious acts of kindness and giving.

    The love you’re sharing with others in the form of service will help you feel more love and fulfillment in your life.

    You’ll realize you don’t need someone else to feel complete any longer. You’re complete.

    A relationship will only make you shine brighter and bring more love in your life.

  • Slow Down and Fully Enjoy This Moment

    Slow Down and Fully Enjoy This Moment

    Enjoy the Moment

    “Don’t miss all the beautiful colors of the rainbow looking for that pot of gold.” ~Unknown

    Have you noticed that time seems to go by faster as you get older? Holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries all come and go—and before we know it, here they come again.

    One theory neuroscientists have is that when we are young we have more novel experiences. These novel experiences create more vivid memories. As we age, we have less “new” or “first time” experiences. There are no unique memories to stand out.

    We can also look at it another way. When we’re doing something new, we’re very focused and “in the moment.” Time seems to stand still because we’re not thinking about the past or the future. We are truly living in the present.

    So then by being present in our lives, no matter what we’re doing—cleaning dishes, writing a paper, or watching a sunset—or how old we are, we can experience it like it’s a “first time.”

    How often are we truly present in our lives? It’s hard, isn’t it? We have so many things to do, places to be, people to see.

    We all know that we should slow down and enjoy life more. We may try for a little while, but then we’re off to the races again, filling our lives with more busyness and distractions.

    We start our day with well-meaning intentions: kindness, compassion, patience, and love. Then stuff happens—we hit traffic, computer goes on the fritz, or have an argument with our significant other. By mid-day, we often find ourselves worn down, defensive, and depleted.

    As a massage therapist, I’ve had the opportunity to work closely with many interesting people, from actors and musicians to teachers and retirees. We share life’s ups and downs—joys and sorrows from birthdays and weddings to sickness and death.

    Our perspective determines how we see and judge everything in life. And try as we may, we cannot run from the perspective that comes from growing older.

    I’m lucky to work with many older clients who remind me of what’s really important in life. And what I hear most is how fast life passes you by. And the advice I hear most often: to really try to enjoy every moment.

    Which then boils down to presence—presence with people, with activities, with whatever’s in front of us.

    PRESENCE WITH OTHERS

    Be gracious.

    No matter what you’re dealing with in life, be gracious to others. Be grateful for what you have in your life and be willing to “pay it forward.”

    Be present with your loved ones.

    With all the distractions around us, it’s easy to get sidetracked. We may be tempted to “multi-task” by checking email or sending text messages while talking to them. But it’s so important to let your loved ones know that they’re being heard and that you value your relationship with them.

    Be present with everyone you encounter.

    Whether it’s a clerk at a grocery store, your neighbor, or a co-worker. Oprah has said that after talking to almost 30,000 people on her show, she’s found that everyone has the same desire—to know they are seen, they are heard, and that what they say matters.

    Be yourself; don’t try to impress.

    We waste a lot of time worrying about finding the right outfit or making our hair look just right to be “presentable” If you want to wear a muumuu with tennis shoes, do it!

    Nurture your friendships.

    As we grow older, it’s so important to have our friends to lean on, to cheer us up, and keep us going.

    Always have a good joke to tell.

    Everyone loves a good joke and laughter can be healing as well as contagious!

    PRESENCE WHEN IT’S NOT EASY

    Don’t sweat the small stuff.

    Know what’s absolutely important in your life and don’t get caught up in the petty things.

    Choose happiness.

    Don’t let your happiness depend on circumstances. You can decide to be happy, no matter what’s happening around you.

    Keep music in your life.

    Music can be very therapeutic and can help boost your mood. You can take a dance class, learn how to play an instrument, or just rock out at home to your favorite music.

    Let go of grudges.

    Do yourself a favor and find a way to forgive and move on. Holding on to bitterness and anger will only hurt you. It doesn’t mean you necessarily forget what happened, but forgiveness allows you to release the negative and make more room for the positive.

    It all boils down to remembering what’s important in life. And we definitely don’t have to wait until we’re retired to do that. We can decide today, no matter what we’re doing or whom we’re with, to let this moment know: yes, I see you, I hear you, and you matter.

    Photo by Alice Popkorn

  • AJ’s Art Journal: Be of Good Cheer

    AJ’s Art Journal: Be of Good Cheer

    be-of-good-cheer

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  • Dharma Doodles: When You Let Go

    Dharma Doodles: When You Let Go

    Dharma Doodles: When You Let Go

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  • Transform Your Confidence by Learning to Approach New People

    Transform Your Confidence by Learning to Approach New People

    Friends

    “As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I remember it like it was yesterday—sitting in the corner of a bar in Holland at a social gathering, feeling alienated because I didn’t know the people I had to mingle with. After all, they were friends of my girlfriend at the time.

    My worries had consumed me and I didn’t know where to begin. I wondered: Should I pluck up the courage to strike up a conversation, or should I withdraw?

    I realized from this experience that I lacked self-confidence.

    I was bullied as a kid, and because of my inability to connect with my peers I spent a lot of time in my room playing video games. I had no idea how to communicate, let alone show people who I really was as a person and what I had to offer.

    In the long-term, my relationships suffered, I did terrible at job interviews, and I was always misunderstood, all things that affected my self-confidence.

    I knew by my early twenties that something had to change. It seemed that everyone in my age group lived normal lives, with a great circle of friends—something that I always dreamed of having, but avoided with video games and social networking.

    I understood that I had to start doing things differently; that I should no longer refuse an invite from a friend to go out and meet new people. That I should no longer say no to potential meetings, and to at least give things a try to see what happens.

    My New Discovery

    I realized that the potential for interacting with people was all around me. I vividly remembered going to department stores with my family, seeing people who I really wanted to meet, and resisting only to regret it later.

    I knew at that moment that this was the biggest hurdle I had to deal with. If I were to simply get over my fears, my social skills and sense of self-confidence would begin to improve.

    I understood at that moment that while I had a fear of approaching and starting conversations with strangers, I could get past it.

    Slowly but surely, I did. I started taking baby steps by asking for directions and creating small talk with coffee shop baristas.

    After doing this repeatedly, I eventually found myself in a place where I could easily strike up conversations and be comfortable in new environments. Sure, I still had a long way to go in being completely natural, but I knew I was making progress.

    Fast-forward to today, my life has transformed. I no longer see people as strangers to fear; instead, I see opportunities to add value and make new friends.

    What I Learned

    The path I took was clear, and I will explain it to you as follows:

    1. Be willing to fail and get rejected.

    One of the first things I had to deal with when getting over my fears with strangers was the idea of getting rejected.

    I would always imagine the worst possible scenario of getting told to go away, and this would prevent me from talking to them. This fear faded after I got rejected a handful of times.

    I eventually understood that there was nothing to be afraid of since many of the people I’d met were indeed strangers who didn’t know me.

    Understand that rejection is part of the process and that it’s never personal. There are a multitude of reasons why some people may not be willing to talk, and often it has nothing to do with you.

    There is no way to know unless you go over and find out!

    2. Find genuine reasons to talk to people.

    What worried me the most was that I wouldn’t know what to say to people. What can you say to someone when you don’t know who they are?

    I was left with only one choice: to somehow come up with a genuinely good reason to talk to them in the first place. Maybe it was it their style. Or I was lost and looking for directions. Or  I was curious about where they were from.

    Whatever the reason, start to become observant and really think about what it is about that person you would like to find out about.

    3. Create a balance between statements and questions.

    Try to imagine how you talk to good friends. How does the conversation usually flow?

    One of the best ways to make a person feel comfortable is to balance statements and questions. Share about yourself and ask about them. Use their responses to your questions to shift the conversation toward topics they’re most comfortable with.

    4. Be positive and playful.

    As I started approaching more people and improving my communication skills, I began to see patterns in what people found comforting and what they found awkward. It was clear that most people prefer talking about uplifting topics, since most of us deal with a lot of negativity in our daily lives.

    The more I appeared warm, friendly, and playful, the more value I was providing to people. I became a beacon of positivity, which emanated out of me, and in turn, allowed others to feel the same.

    5. Be genuinely interested in people.

    When you take an interest in other people’s lives, it makes them see that you’re genuinely interested in who they are.

    What is it about them that you’re curious about? What of what you’ve already learned do you appreciate? Asking them about these things allow you to learn more about what makes them tick.

    6. Remember how happy you feel when you connect with others.

    The more I socialized, the more I started to feel a sense of happiness in myself and with others. I felt connected with society, and knew that the only way I could ever get to this place was through taking personal responsibility and getting out of my own way.

    While I can’t promise the same results as I had when taking these actions, what I can promise you is an increased sense of joy and connection with the outside world. We all want a sense of belonging. And once you find it, your sense of self-confidence will begin to flourish. 

    Photo by Austin Goldberg

  • Dharma Comics: Follow What You Love

    DharmaComics_FollowWhatYouLove_LeahPearlman

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  • You Have the Power to Change Someone’s Day for the Better

    You Have the Power to Change Someone’s Day for the Better

    Pushing Car

    “It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    It’s a feeling of dread. Maybe you’ve experienced it before.

    You’re driving down the highway and suddenly something goes wrong. You’re stepping on the gas pedal but nothing is happening.

    All the little lights on the dashboard come on and you notice one particular gauge you’ve been meaning to address sooner.

    The needle is just past the E. You’re out of gas. 

    It’s a helpless feeling. Desperation flashes through your mind as the wheels begin to slow. Other cars start passing you as you attempt to merge over to the emergency lane to get out of the way, the whole time hoping you can coast just a little farther, ever closer to the oasis of fuel at the next exit.

    Maybe that isn’t how it felt for you or perhaps you’ve never been through this little peril. But that’s how it felt when I ran out of gas recently.

    I was four or five miles from home, cruising down a long hill on the interstate when I realized my car wasn’t responding to my foot’s orders. 

    Fortunately, I was able to get over and coast all the way to the next exit and even up the ramp.  My mind raced, wondering how far I was going to have to push the car, and worse, if it would be uphill.

    When my vehicle’s momentum finally slowed to a stop, I was relieved to see the gas station only a few hundred yards away and that I’d only have to overcome a slight incline to get there.

    So, I got out and started pushing. As I grunted and heaved I was unpleasantly surprised at how heavy my little car was on a relatively flat stretch of road. But I pressed on, inching my way towards the plastic gas station sign that signaled my salvation. 

    My muscles strained against the heavy burden, legs and arms burning from the exertion. I thought about the times I’d seen other people who were out of gas. I always felt bad for them, maybe even a little embarrassed for them.

    Now I felt the shame I’d always imagined those people felt.

    More than a few times, I’d actually stopped and helped them push their vehicles to the nearest station. While I lumbered forward, one particular instance popped into my head from several years before.

    I was in Austin, Texas for a convention. A friend and I had been hopping around to different bars (like any good convention-goers) when, from the sidewalk, we saw a guy pushing a monstrosity of a car. It was a big convertible from the 1970s. 

    I don’t recall what make or model the behemoth was. All I know is that it was the heaviest object I’ve ever tried to move in my life.

    Still, my friend and I started pushing with the guy. He hadn’t seen us at first and was surprised that his task had been suddenly lightened. He smiled back at my buddy and I as we kept pounding our feet across the pavement, one foot in front of the other.

    “Just steer,” I told him as we kept easing the car towards a section of the road that began to slope downhill. “Once you get to where it starts slanting down you’ll be fine,” I said. 

    After several exhausting minutes, we reached the crest in the road and the car began to coast on its own. The driver thanked us and offered us money, which we declined. He waved back to us as he hopped in and guided the wheeled boat to the station.

    We went on about the rest of our night and didn’t give the event much thought. In fact, I hadn’t thought about it in years.

    Now here I was, in the same predicament, out of gas and trying to reach a little section of the road up ahead where it started to slope downward, the whole time trying to steer and push, a difficult pair to manage at once.

    Suddenly, the car felt like it was half its weight. I first looked down to see if I’d reached some kind of a little down slope or something. Then I heard a guy’s voice from behind me. 

    “Thought you could use a little help.”

    I turned around to see a total stranger, in his mid-thirties, pushing hard against the back end of my car. I smiled broadly. “Thanks man!” I shouted over the passing traffic.

    He had parked his truck just off the exit, probably as soon as he had seen my plight. He hadn’t hesitated or thought about helping me for more than a second. His instant thought had been to help.

    “You should be okay once we get to that little down slope up ahead,” he commented. 

    Inside, I laughed, remembering how I’d said those exact words to the guy in Austin a few years before.

    A minute or so later, we reached the downhill section of road and my car began coast itself towards its haven. “I think you’re good,” he yelled and waved.

    I thanked the man again and hopped in my car, steering it into the station on nothing but gravity’s sweet momentum.

    I don’t know much about karma, but I do know this: life presents us with opportunities, little moments where we can make the world a better place with a simple action.

    That stranger made my day better by lending a hand. He lightened my load and thus, lifted my spirits.

    Had he not helped, I may have become annoyed at the situation and more easily bothered the rest of the day, even irritable. I could have returned home less happy and let those feelings pass from me to the people around me, making their day worse.

    You have an extraordinary power to change someone’s day for better or worse, and you have no idea how far reaching that impact will be. 

    Another thing I took away from the gas incident is that good deeds never seem to go un-repaid.  It is an indelible truth that I’ve noticed time and again. Call it karma or mitzvah or comeuppance, it all works the same way.

    I kept smiling as I filled up my tank. I felt grateful that a random stranger had helped me. It gave me a good feeling inside, a sense that everything would be okay, no matter what.

    I started to replace the gas cap when I heard a familiar sound on the other side of the pump. A police officer in an old, beat-up pickup truck was trying in vain to get the engine to turn over.

    “Battery dead?” I asked. “If you need a jump, I have some jumper cables in the trunk,” I offered.  The man’s frustration visibly eased a little.

    “Thanks man,” he replied.  “I’d appreciate that.”

    “No problem,” I said as I reached in the trunk and grabbed the cables. “It’s always good to help someone out.”

    Photo Geoffrey Callaway

  • Buddha Doodles: Hard Pasts

    Buddha Doodles: Hard Pasts

    Buddha_Doodles_Past_MollyHahn

    Source: Buddha Doodles

  • Knowing Better and Doing Better: How Are You Fortunate?

    Knowing Better and Doing Better: How Are You Fortunate?

    Enjoying the Day

    “Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot.” ~Hausa Proverb

    Gratitude, the level of gratitude that one has, varies greatly by person. You have those that are grateful for every single thing in their lives, and those that know what the word means on paper yet never practice it in their own lives.

    Then you have so many others (like myself), I call them the “in-betweeners.” We are grateful for so much but often forget this because life takes over, or so many other things are going on at once that you barely have five minutes to yourself to even drink a glass of water, let alone practice gratitude.

    And so you continue on in your day and life with thoughts and good intentions to give back more to those who are unfortunate or volunteer more—and then it doesn’t happen.

    I can vouch for this; I did this all the time. I meant well and really did want to help others, yet life takes over.

    As I ate my lunch at my desk, mindlessly reading a celebrity gossip blog, I came across something in passing. This one blogger in particular was rallying all of her followers to support her for an event she was taking part in that would help support homeless youth.

    As I read further, I came to see that this event was a sleep out, where she would sleep on the street and experience homelessness firsthand. I’m not sure why exactly, but I promised that if that event ever came to New York City I would do the same—and it did.

    With a day of hesitation that was filled with thoughts of me leaving my children overnight and questioning if I really wanted to do this, I signed up—fast, before I could change my mind.

    And so there I was, rallying my family, friends, and coworkers to help me reach the $1,000 minimum in two short weeks. I never realized how many people would actually support me; I exceeded the minimum by $200.

    Fast forward to the night of the event: I had two sick children at home and felt guilty for leaving them, but still, I walked into this event on my own without knowing a soul there.

    The organization had a schedule for the evening prior to the sleep out, when we got to meet some of the kids that we were helping that night. I met some of the most amazing kids that I have ever encountered.

    These people have endured and survived so much. Listening to their stories and having them sit directly across from me was life changing. I now had a face to associate with homeless youth and, in some instances, their homeless children.

    I heard stories of sleeping near a hospital for fear of giving birth on the streets, finding their own mother dead at the age of 16, and leaving adoptive parents that abused them and suffering a stroke at the age of 18, due to stress.

    The life experiences of these kids cannot compare to so many of us, and yet I felt so connected and privileged to be able to help them in any way.

    After our meetings, we retreated to the sidewalk that we would be sleeping on, which emulated what so many face nightly. We got our cardboard boxes, sleeping bag, and trash bag for insulation and laid down to sleep.

    And that is when it happened—my “aha” moment. As I laid there among strangers who were all doing this for the same cause, it hit me: I am more than fortunate! I have healthy children, a loving husband, a warm bed that is ours, a refrigerator that, thankfully, is filled with food, a home—the list goes on and on.

    These are things that I have almost have come to expect, yet they are not owed to any of us.

    My entire perspective changed. How dare I complain about not having those shoes I saw at some store or that the grocery store didn’t have the one item I needed or whatever thing it is that annoyed me and wasted my time.

    I see things differently, because from this experience I am different now. I am more mindfully grateful for everything, and in turn I have seen the beauty in so much that I have missed before.

    I am a new person on the inside. I am grateful and more determined to make the time I am given much more meaningful. Now that I know better, I need to do better.

    This event was just the start for me. I am actively looking for new and inventive ways to give back.

    Look around and be grateful for the smallest things. Once you become more mindful of it, your world starts to change.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • How to Deal With Change When Change Is Hard

    How to Deal With Change When Change Is Hard

    Change is in the Air

    “You must welcome change as the rule but not your ruler” ~Denis Waitley

    My name is Hannah, and I find it hard to deal with change.

    As much as I used to want to think of myself as flexible and easy-going, I struggle to live up to these ideals. I like to know where I am, what I’m doing, where I’m going, and to have my near future mapped out in lists, to-dos, and ideas. In short, I do whatever I can to minimize the level of uncertainty in my life.

    My discomfort around uncertainty means I am usually very decisive. In some ways this has been beneficial; for example, it’s allowed me to make hard decisions that I might have otherwise been tempted to avoid or delay.

    In other ways, it’s been a disadvantage, especially when I’ve prioritized removing my discomfort above anything else, and made decisions without having all the information I really needed first.

    Historically, when life’s ups and downs have left me feeling uncertain, I’ve done whatever I need to do to regain my sense of control. Keeping my options open or “going with the flow” provokes feelings of restlessness, impatience, and eventually frustration; after all, why leave things up to chance when you could have a plan?

    My relationship with change, well, changed at the end of last year, when my partner and I embarked on a seven-month trip around South America and Mexico. Over the past few months, I have experienced different cultures, climates, environments, people, food, languages, and many more changes than I could have imagined.

    During the first couple of months, I discovered a lot about my need for control, and how it affects my day-to-day experience. Working through this, I’ve learned to find a balance between meeting that need, and flowing with the many changes that come from moving between different places, countries, and cultures.

    Here are five elements that have been invaluable in this process of adapting to change:

    1. Learn to differentiate between what you can and can’t control.

    One of the most important lessons I learned early on in my travels was the difference between factors I could control and factors I couldn’t control. For example, I could control whether I left enough time to get to an airport or a bus station to catch my next connection to a different city or country; however, I couldn’t control whether that plane or bus actually left on time.

    As well as learning to place events in their rightful control-related categories, I learned to appreciate the importance of acceptance, and the emotional freedom this provides. Once I accepted that I couldn’t control some changes, I felt less anxious about them.

    2. Keep a journal.

    Keeping a diary or journal has been one of the most helpful activities for processing the changes I’ve experienced.

    During my trip, I’ve embraced my morning pages routine (writing 3 A4 pages, or approximately 750 words stream-of-consciousness, as described by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way). This has helped me keep a record of the many things I’ve seen and experienced, and has also helped me recognize a strong limiting belief.

    Through keeping a journal, I’ve realized that my aversion to change was based on a fear that I wouldn’t be able to cope with it. Reflecting on some of the experiences I’ve had and the way I’ve processed them, however, I recognized that I actually have far more internal strength than I previously gave myself credit for.

    3. Develop routines, even small ones.

    Developing small routines and habits has helped me stay grounded and connected to myself. In turn, this has enabled me to feel more accepting of other changes happening around me.

    As well as morning pages, I have developed other routines (such as having the same breakfast most days and dedicating Saturday mornings to learning Spanish), that have helped meet my need for consistency and stability.

    When it feels like everything else around us is in flux, finding small comforts to hold on to can make all the difference in how we process and deal with other changes in our lives.

    4. Connect with others who are sharing a similar experience.

    Talking to other travelers and hearing about their experience of long-term travel has helped me realize that I’m not alone in how I feel. Change is hard, even if you’ve volunteered for it. As one friend said to me a few days ago: “Just because you’ve chosen to do this doesn’t mean it has to be perfect.”

    Talking to people back home about the struggles I’ve encountered has felt hard. Part of me feels guilty complaining about enormous bugs and travel sickness when people back home are enduring a freakishly cold winter and still doing the 9 to 5. But fellow travelers understand, and knowing that I’m not alone has helped me accept some of the more negative aspects of the changes I’ve experienced.

    5. Take care of your basic needs.

    Taking care of your basic needs is absolutely crucial if you are in a period of change. These needs are like the foundations of our physical and mental health; without them, we’re unlikely to be able to process additional challenges in a healthy way.

    My non-negotiables are sleep, hygiene, exercise, and healthy food. When I have these things, I am a happy camper and can deal with external changes far more easily. When I don’t have them, my tolerance levels drop, I feel stressed and I find it hard to flow with other changes that are happening around me.

    Your basic needs might be similar to mine, or they might be different. When you’re able to identify and prioritize them, however, you give yourself a much better chance of encountering change with minimal stress and anxiety.

    What are your tips for dealing with change? Leave a comment and let us know.

  • AJ’s Art Journal: May Flowers Line Your Path

    AJ’s Art Journal: May Flowers Line Your Path

    AJsArtJournal_MayFlowersLineYourPath

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  • 3 Unconventional Tips for Forgiving and Letting Go

    3 Unconventional Tips for Forgiving and Letting Go

    “The greatest obstacle to connecting with our joy is resentment.” ~Pema Chodron

    Forgiveness is good, right? I don’t mean in a heal the planet kind of way—I mean in a selfish, me me me kind of way.

    We want to let go of our resentments and connect with people genuinely. We want to feel happy and contented, full of love for ourselves and those around us. We want to run, carefree, through the fields in a pretty cotton dress, not sit around in our pajamas, twisted with bitterness.

    But how do you experience genuine forgiveness and stop feeling resentful? Because it’s one thing to know it intellectually but another to actually feel it. Like, in your bones.

    A few years ago, in an effort to “get over things,” here’s what I did:

    I read. I saw a therapist. I journaled. I even did the thing where you write down your hurt feelings, burn the piece of paper, and poof, up they all go.

    (I also did the one where you put your “angry feelings” in the freezer to help you calm down.)

    And sure. I felt a little better.

    But I was a long way from getting out my sundress and Googling “field with long grass to run through.” There was still that nagging thought: if they hadn’t done (blah de blah) then I wouldn’t have to deal with this.

    And it’s confusing—if you forgive, does it mean someone’s off the hook?

    It’s as if one bit of your brain is saying “It’s all good” and the other bit is saying, “Ah, I don’t think so, mister.” And in a way, this is exactly what is happening.

    Trying to forgive someone is like trying to give up smoking; until you change your underlying beliefs it’s almost impossible.

    Most smoking cessation campaigns focus on the effects. The images are frightening but they rarely change behavior.

    The most successful technique to stop smoking is Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking. It was how Ellen, Ashton, and I quit.

    So how does Carr succeed where squillions of health promotion dollars fail?

    It’s simple. Carr explains that cigarettes don’t elevate you to some higher plane, like most smokers think. The nicotine just raises you up to where non-smokers are naturally and then drops you back down, almost seconds after your last puff.

    The belief at the heart of why smokers don’t want to stop is they’ll miss out on the relaxing feelings. But Carr shows, give up smoking and feeling good becomes the norm. He flips the old belief.

    And this is what we need to do when dealing with the slippery fish of forgiveness. We need to flip the beliefs that make it seem difficult.

    I used to see forgiveness as something you did. A verb. Now, I see it more as a noun—something that occurs naturally when you understand the truth about your thoughts and feelings.  

    Here are my 3 Carr-like forgiveness “belief flippers” that have helped me not only let go of hurt feelings but deepen my sense of well-being.

    Admittedly, the bigger the hurt, the more challenging this gets. My hunch is these ideas might help the thing you’re trying to let go of.

    1. Your thoughts cause your feelings.

    A few years ago during an intensely challenging personal time, a good friend of mine told me she no longer wanted to be friends. It touched something deep within me, and for a long time I saw her actions as hurtful.

    But then I realized two things:

    First, I was being supremely self-centered by not considering what it was like for her.

    And second, the real reason I was upset had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. She hadn’t done anything to me, really, but my “I’m not good enough” radar was going off big time.

    My hurt feelings were due to what I thought of myself deep down. (I say “deep down” because not so deep down, I’d convinced myself I was awesome).

    If my sense of self-worth had been rock-solid, I would’ve more easily seen her side of things. Yes, I would have missed her, but I wouldn’t have taken it personally and felt heart broken.

    Your feelings are the result of what you tell yourself about what happened. It’s your thinking causing your pain.

    Which in practical terms means you need to stop blaming others for how you feel.

    2. The art of just noticing.

    So if thinking is the cause of icky feelings, you should change your thoughts, right? Or at least figure out where they come from?

    This is a common belief. But it’s also, I believe, the hardest way. Here’s what I think is a better option:

    Rather than try and think a different thought, like gratitude, or even forgiveness, just notice your thoughts without getting caught up in them.

    Once I understood I was the creator of my own feelings, this is what I did. And for years, on the odd occasion the topic of my friend came up I’d burst into tears, but always I’d be thinking, “Wow, am I really still working through that?” Almost as if I were a bystander.

    And guess what? Over time, my sad feelings lessened and my genuine love grew. Not just for my friend, but for me too.

    By not judging my feelings or blaming them on anyone else there’s been a shift in something much bigger—my sense of self worth has got stronger.

    It’s not like I don’t get upset anymore. Cripes no. I do. But knowing that my feelings are “my bad,” I rarely take it personally. The sting has gone.

    3. Consider that there’s nothing to forgive.

    Over the years I’ve thought about the shift that happens when we go from feeling angry and hurt to loving and peaceful.

    Are we learning forgiveness or do we simply reach a point where we now see there was nothing to forgive in the first place?

    Is forgiveness so tricky because the real “cotton dress running through the fields” feeling we’re after only comes once we realize there’s nothing to forgive??

    To help me wrap my head around this I find it helpful to consider the larger picture. As in, outer space large:

    I imagine a kinder, wiser and more compassionate version of myself sitting on the moon, perhaps kicking back on a deck chair drinking a margarita with Alice Kramden, looking down and watching, as the earthly me muddles my way through life…

    Watching myself hold onto dodgy beliefs and making some epic mistakes.

    Watching children around me born into challenging times and how this affects their sense of self-worth and how easily this passes on to others.

    Watching us all learning to love ourselves unconditionally—trying, failing, and even succeeding, as we do.

    And I figure this wise margarita-drinking self would conclude that everyone in their own unique way was doing their best.

    And when you think about it, if everyone’s doing their best, what’s to forgive—doing your best? 

    Toss around the idea: “Forgiveness is understanding there’s nothing to forgive.” It’s big, but when it sinks in, it really helps. And check this out…

    Forgiveness is understanding. There’s nothing to forgive.

    Woman begging for forgiveness image via Shutterstock

  • Embodied Presence: Find Freedom from Your Thoughts and Emotions

    Embodied Presence: Find Freedom from Your Thoughts and Emotions

    Embodied Presence

    “To be alive is to totally and openly participate in the simplicity and elegance of here and now.” ~Donald Altman

    Embodied presence probably sounds superfluous. How else would we be present but in the body? If we leave our bodies, then we are by definition deceased. No longer present.

    The simplicity of this embodied presence idea belies its depth though. The issue isn’t that I’m ever literally disembodied, but that I’m often unaware of my body-mind connection to the point that I’m not sufficiently mindful of the moment.

    I know I’m not unique for this. We all do this. It’s called being distracted. I can get so lost in my thoughts that I lose touch with what’s actually happening, right now.

    For example, not too long ago, I was sitting at home one evening. I was feeling really peaceful and at ease. Then, my iPhone chimed alerting me to an email. It was a message from my boss. I read the email and my whole emotional state changed.

    My heart pounded, energy surged through my arms, and my chest and face felt hard and tight. Based on my body’s response, it would have seemed my life was in danger.

    I attached meaning to the email I read. My interpretation registered the email as a threat. My body did what it’s supposed to do when I perceive a threat.

    I immediately started typing my reactive email response. It was sharp and curt. Then, I stopped. I paused. I’m not sure what triggered my drop into my body’s senses, but that drop into my body saved me. 

    My awareness dropped from my thoughts to my body’s current sensations. With that drop, I was present in the moment. The investigation of my body’s sensations—the pulsing, tingling, hardness, tightness—was so interesting that my drive to immediately react dissolved.

    After that body investigation, I labeled my emotion. It was anger. I was feeling angry because of a perceived threat. Then, I slowly responded to my boss’ message. I still felt the anger, but I wasn’t blindly driven by it.

    I decided to carefully respond to the content of the message without indicating my reaction to her tone.  She responded later that night. Her message was so gracious.

    She simply misunderstood something and my reply clarified it for her. That was all. There was no problem. My initial reaction was rooted in my own story about her email.

    “It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” ~Pema Chodron

    How do I stay in my body? Each morning and evening, I meditate for 30 minutes. During those meditation sessions, I concentrate on the sensations my breathing creates in my body: my heaving chest, the cool tickles through my nostrils, the expansion of my lower abdomen, even the slight spread of my shoulders each time I inhale.

    This training helps anchor my mind to my body in a way nothing else does. There are so many other ways to get into your body though (e.g. yoga, tai chi, arts and crafts). Finding a way that suits you so that you can support yourself by doing it consistently can help change how you experience the day.

    This is beneficial to you and to those with whom you interact. When I’m feeling a difficult emotion, I often invite myself to feel the emotion in my body—rather than creating a story line in my conscious mind—by asking myself the following question: how do I know I’m angry? 

    This question always helps me drop from my conscious mind down into my body and thus into the present moment. I have made the conscious choice to return to what John O’Donohue calls the temple of my senses.

    “My body knows it belongs, it’s my mind that makes my life so homeless.”

    My conscious train of thought can sometimes get so destructively creative in its interpretation of the moment that I’m attaching meaning to the moment that causes harm to me and others.

    Through my body practices, I’ve learned three important lessons.

    1. The body offers helpful insight.

    Thinking isn’t the only way to relate to my life. My body experiences the moment and collects data that my conscious mind, in all its effort, can’t even see.

    I find that after scanning my body and then returning to my thinking, I operate with greater clarity. When I feel a strong emotion, it’s helpful to me to investigate the sensations in my body before I label the emotion.

    I may have labeled an emotion “anger,” but after scanning my body to get in touch with a deeper wisdom, I might realize it’s fear. I’m not angry, but I’m feeling threatened because of meaning I’ve attached to a situation.

    Sometimes, it’s not nervousness I feel; it’s excitement. Opening into my body along with my mind allows for greater clarity and higher intelligence. I’m free to then respond appropriately to the present moment instead of being blindly driven by unexamined emotions.

    2. Emotional states are universal.

    I find this fact incredibly supportive: emotional states are universal. My anger isn’t my anger. My sadness isn’t my sadness. It’s the anger and the sadness that touches us all. Difficult emotions feel less personal and more universal when I pay attention to them.

    I felt angry about my boss’ email because the adrenaline was still coursing through my blood. My body produced adrenaline because I interpreted the email as a threat. That’s all. It’s just my body doing exactly what it is conditioned to do in response to perceived threats.

    I didn’t, however, have to perceive it as a threat.

    3. Emotions pass more easily when we shine the soft light of awareness on them.

    There’s this dreadful sense of solidity that sets in when I start to believe my emotions and thoughts are the only absolute reality. When I forget that what’s actually happening is separate from what I feel and think about what’s happening, my dread cements and I feel hopeless.

    As soon as something unexpected happens, like someone I barely know smiles at me or a person I thought dislikes me makes sure I get a bottle of water at a meeting, the solidity dissolves.

    That solidity gives way to a sense of openness and possibility that I temporarily lost touch with while believing my ego’s diatribes. I love it when something happens that breaks my ego’s trance. I am so thankful for those mindful moments that rescue me from my sometimes destructive inner monologues.

    Living an embodied life is one of those paradoxical experiences. It’s hard, but it’s easy. 

    It’s easy because it’s a matter of focusing on what is happening now. Staying present. That’s all. It’s hard because our minds often want to create stories about what is happening. Why? Because it can. Our conscious minds are doing what they do: producing thoughts.

    I can choose to see those thoughts as nothing more personal than anything else my body releases (for example, a sneeze or cough).

    Our minds care so much for us and want to help. I sometimes try to calm my busy mind by reminding it that it doesn’t have to solve every problem right now.

    If we open to the moment through our bodies, a whole new level of insight and wisdom can support us in ways our conscious mind cannot. May we all open to a greater level of embodied presence.

    Photo by Sage Ross

  • Believing in Our Goodness: Do You Have Faith in Humanity?

    Believing in Our Goodness: Do You Have Faith in Humanity?

    Holding Hands

    “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

    When we hear someone speak about faith, we usually expect to hear about some kind of subjective encounter with supernatural forces. In our skeptical age, we tend to look at faith as “believing in something you know not to be true,” as Mark Twain expressed.

    Before we dismiss any talk of faith, however, we should remember that there are many ways to understand the word. You can have faith in a benevolent, loving deity guiding your every move. But you can also have faith that you’ll wake up in the morning. Or that the dollar in your pocket today will be worth as much tomorrow.

    For me, a “revelation” of faith came while sitting around a table with a group people determined to respond to violence with love.

    I didn’t realize it at the time, but this experience reaffirmed my faith that human beings are fundamentally loving and good, and will help and care for each other when given the chance.

    I think that faith really is the right word here, because holding onto this viewpoint in light of so much evidence to the contrary does indeed requires a “leap,” to borrow Kierkegaard’s famous line.

    This understanding emerged at a visioning process for the “Dawson Peace Center.” To its great credit, the Dawson College community has chosen to respond to the 2006 shooting not by putting bigger locks on the doors and stockpiling weapons, but by spearheading meaningful initiatives designed to cultivate peace.

    For my part, at this meeting, I spoke about the contributions that meditation might make in addressing the roots of destructive behavior, and how we might be able to integrate it into the college’s culture.

    During the meeting, I didn’t really feel like anything was out of the ordinary. Sure, I was inspired by many of the ideas that the other 20 people in the room put forth, but toward the end, my attitude began to shift as I realized that what was happening here was truly extraordinary.

    Here, we had a group of committed people seeking, however imperfectly, to affirm that the power of love is stronger than fear.

    Here, at least a few people understand that responding to violence in kind makes us no different than the perpetrator. Here, a group has resisted the temptation to let the violent imagination of a disturbed individual hijack our own.

    It takes strength and courage to stand up and say, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that human beings are fundamentally decent, kind, and caring, and that we have the responsibility to nurture these attributes.

    This audacious belief in basic goodness takes guts. It takes faith. And that’s what I saw around that table.

    We’ve all seen how human imagination has the power to create scenes of terror and violence (just open up the newspaper). But it also has the possibility to respond to those who unleash the demons with compassion and understanding, which to me seems the greater power (and usually gets far less media attention).

    This is the truth that every saint and sage has communicated: hatred never ceases through hatred. Only love has the power to heal. This is not really a “spiritual” or “religious” truth; even a jaded, secular humanist can see this at work.

    It’s up to each and every person to develop the understanding that no matter how far removed someone might seem from this basic goodness, no one is beyond redemption.

    Buddha and Jesus hung out with murderers, prostitutes, lepers, and other types of people who society had “thrown away” and given up on. What these marginalized people needed was compassion and understanding, not ostracization and judgment.

    And when a teacher who had discovered his own “enlightened nature” spoke to them, they were able to discover that within themselves.

    These people who had lead lives of violence and impropriety often went on to become exemplary disciples; the mistakes they had made in their lives were not sufficient to corrupt their essence and potential.

    In the eastern traditions, this is expressed through the image of a gem covered with mud, or a lamp coated in dust. These images affirm that the treasure/light is always there, and has only temporarily become obscured.

    But in order to sustain the commitment and diligence to undertake the “polishing” process, you must first have an inkling that there is something valuable waiting for you underneath.

    Meeting an enlightened teacher can certainly arouse this faith, but coming into contact with the enlightenment that flows through us all when we seek to act with love and compassion is also a catalyst.

    It’s by no means certain that we will uncover this treasure in ourselves, much less be able to help others discover it in themselves. But as I felt very deeply around that table, there is intrinsic value in the effort itself.

    Everyone’s face communicated the determination to love, despite everything. We understand that the alternative of powerlessness and despair is not really an alternative at all.

    Whatever we think about the world becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, so if we really want to create a world of peace, then we truly have to believe that it’s possible. Even very optimistic people like myself occasionally need boosters of faith to maintain this truly revolutionary attitude.

    Photo by kris krug