She was born without arms, but she’s never seen herself as a victim—and she’s beyond inspiring. In this short video, Jessica Cox shares a little about the mindset that has helped her overcome obstacles to live a bold, empowered life.
Tag: wisdom
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Learning to Trust Again When You’ve Been Hurt in the Past
“The only way to know if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway
In a world where it seems as though all we hear about and see is how one person betrayed another, how do we allow ourselves to trust someone to get close at all, let alone trust them to be near the most fragile parts of us?
Over the course of the last year, I’ve been working as an intern-counselor at a residential high school with around seventy teenagers. Many of them have come from unbelievably challenging backgrounds where they have had to learn to not trust anyone as a matter of survival.
Imagine having spent your entire life always having to watch your back literally and figuratively, not just because there are strangers who may want to harm you, but also because even those who are supposed to be close to you could turn against you in an instant.
How difficult do you think it would be to let down the defenses that kept you safe and in some cases, alive, for so long?
In my own world, I’ve struggled with allowing people to really know me because for most of my life, it felt as though I was burned every time I did.
Over time, I learned how to seem friendly but kept virtually everyone at a distance, and those who got too close I rapidly pushed away, sometimes completely out of my life.
I was already struggling to put my pieces back together after several major tragedies in my family, and allowing others in meant (the possibility of) compounding my heartbreak. I just couldn’t handle anymore at the time.
Eventually I began to open up, but each time found myself wondering why I had been so naive again.
Then there came a point where, slowly but surely, people began to enter my life who showed me what it meant to be able to trust—trust them to show up, trust them to listen, trust them with commitments, and the biggest one of all, trust them with my heart.
These people came in the form of friends who are now my family and have had my back in countless ways over the years, and the most surprising and recent of all, a man who is not only telling me, but showing me, what a man does to express his profound interest beyond just the physical.
If I wouldn’t have begun to take down my walls, I may have never found these amazing people. They didn’t appear because I had perfectly learned to trust already. They appeared because I was willing to learn to trust, even if imperfectly.
As I’ve been learning to trust and lower my defenses, I’ve been working with my students to do the same.
Their stories are different in that many of them have come from a history of abuse and/or gang related activities. But we share a similar outcome in struggling to realize that what once protected us is no longer needed, and in some cases, is actually hurting us further by isolating us from the love we need to heal and move forward.
It’s like taking too much medicine; sometimes a certain amount is necessary to get better, but beyond that it can break our systems down.
We each come to crossroads in our lives where we have to make the decision to let go of our old survival mechanisms in order to grow and make room for something better.
Sometimes what used to protect us becomes what harms us and stifles the capacity for our lives to be open and full of joy, love, and peace.
When it comes to trusting each other, we have to accept that our past is not our present. We have to be able to recognize that what hurt us before is not necessarily what is currently standing before us—even sometimes when the situation looks frighteningly similar, and sometimes even when it’s the same person.
Does this mean we won’t ever get hurt again? Nope. That’s a part of life. People will let us down, and we will let them down, but that doesn’t mean our efforts to disassemble our defense mechanisms are in vain.
If we never allow ourselves any vulnerability, we lose out on the opportunity to make incredibly deep and meaningful connections that open up our lives in ways that couldn’t happen any other way.
Those connections draw out the very best within and create a new reality—one where we learn that the only way to know if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
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How I Found My Inner Balance When I Was Tired of Feeling Anxious
“Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.” ~Hermann Hesse
As a child in ballet I was chastised for my inability to capture attitude or arabesque. With only one foot planted on the ground I reached for anything to prop myself up—the barre, the instructor, an unsuspecting fellow tutu-wearing classmate who would then lose balance herself.
My days at ballet were short lived, but my trouble balancing was not. This persisted for decades, through college and into the early years of my marriage.
Now I was no longer just hoping to stand steadily and gracefully on one foot, but instead was trying endlessly to balance hopes with expectations, mental energy with physical willingness, yearning and desire with fatigue and dread.
Fast-forward through my short-lived childhood aspirations of becoming a ballerina to my first yoga class. Walking into the classroom I instinctively stretched out my mat at the end of the room, right up against the wall. Without thinking about it I created a safety net to hold onto. In case of a fall, the wall would be right there. In case I lost my balance.
About midway through the practice my instructor set up a metaphor that stuck with me. “Your mat is your world, and you are here, present in the midst of it,” she said. “We all have areas of our life that need attention. Start applying that attention here and now.”
As she guided us into a new pose she concluded, “If you require strength, then push yourself harder. If you require peace, then take a deep breath.”
That is when I toppled over—as if on cue, and the wall didn’t catch me either. A sign could not have struck me more clearly. My mat is my world, and I need to find balance.
But the mat wasn’t actually my world, and outside of the yoga studio there were things calling to me. There were questions I had to answer, decisions I needed to make, people I had to talk to. With two feet planted firmly on the ground I was still in danger of losing balance.
This lack of balance stretched far beyond my physical abilities. It poured over into my personal life, academic endeavors, and career choices. Imbalance seemingly seeped into every action I attempted.
I developed an all-or-nothing mentality. I either had a calendar packed with things to do at every waking moment or I let every bit of it go and spent long days in bed, wondering if anyone would call. I was either overconfident in my abilities or completely unsure of myself; I felt loved or I felt hated.
This perpetual imbalance left me in a constant state of anxiety. I didn’t know what to expect out of myself. So I took a step back, evaluated the role I was playing in my own life, and I found my center.
In my journey to finding inner balance, I found that there are five fundamental changes I had to make:
1. Stop being busy.
Busyness isn’t a packed to-do list; it’s a mentality. If you want to be busy, things you love to do and even otherwise relaxing activities can grow overwhelming as you turn them into tasks.
Busyness can quickly become a mask to hide behind. I wanted people to think I was busy more than I wanted to do the tasks I had taken on. I let go of the need to be busy and learned to accept and appreciate downtime as space for self-development.
2. Learn when to let chances pass.
Opportunities knock, but not all of them are right for you. Job offers will come, friendships will be formed, and investments will be proposed. Not all of them need to be taken. There are things that I have thought I wanted, and when finally faced with the chance to act I felt more obligated than interested.
Continuing down this road isn’t helping anyone and is only going to drive you towards greater imbalance. Learn to cut your losses and listen to your gut.
3. Recognize external pressure.
Not every problem you face is your problem to solve. Friends, family members, and co-workers may inadvertently push their problems onto your shoulders to bear, but you do not need to accept it. External pressure can drive you to make decisions you aren’t comfortable with and can cause you to second-guess yourself.
Listen to yourself first, and reassert your personal control over your own actions.
If there was no pressure there would be no need for finding balance. Part of maintaining balance in your life is finding the will to continue in the face of pressure, and learning when it is okay to let it go.
4. Stop rushing.
I once grew pestered with my husband for taking so long to get ready for a day at the beach, and then became flustered by the traffic on our way there. He found it hilarious that I could grow so stressed in this situation. “Hurry up to wait” is what he called it, and he was right.
I created a deadline where there wasn’t one and forced my desire to rush onto him.
No one has the right to dictate how anyone else spends their time. You move at your own pace and I, at mine. We all have destinations we are striving to reach, whether they are physical, emotional, or even in our career.
There are things to learn along the way, so don’t rush the process.
5. Accept the present.
The past is loaded with anxiety and thoughts about things you should have or could have done. The future is packed with unknowns and ideals of what should happen. Constantly struggling between the past and future will leave anyone unbalanced.
The present is the center. To find balance you have to accept the moment you are living in now. The past has already played out, and the future will unravel as it comes. The time worth thinking about is now.
There are things in life that are going to knock you off your feet, and there are times that you are going to lose balance. Maintaining inner balance isn’t just learning how to stay grounded. It involves finding the strength to get back up after you fall and to try again.
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The Key to Accomplishing Goals: Moving from Ego to Spirit
“Change is inevitable. Growth is intentional.” ~Glenda Cloud
My life is over.
That’s what I thought when I got the news that I’d lost my job after fifteen years with two sister companies. I loved this job. I was on the road to becoming everything I thought I wanted to be—a Hollywood studio vice president, well on my way to running a studio someday.
I was doing something I loved, developing stories. And now it was all over.
Have you ever had a moment like that? When the end of something in your life felt like the end of your life? You’re not just being overdramatic—when we lose a job or relationship or role, we do experience loss. So how do we pick ourselves up and move on?
For me, even though my Hollywood job had ended, in a way it was Hollywood that saved me, too. I realized that I needed to shift my perspective. Losing this job wasn’t the end of my story; it was the difficult middle.
Think of all the movies you’ve seen where, at the midpoint of the story, the hero starts to run into some serious obstacles. It’s at this moment when she starts to see the weakness in her approach to her problems.
She has to go through an “all is lost moment” before she can reach the “aha” moment when she realizes what she really has to do to achieve her goals.
In the best stories, this moment represents a shift from ego to spirit.
For example, in The King’s Speech, it’s not until our hero Bertie’s brother gives up the throne, forcing Bertie to do the thing he fears most—speak in public—that he changes his perspective.
Instead of focusing on his own ego and his fear of humiliation, he learns to focus on leading his people. When Bertie makes this shift from the ego to the spirit, he realizes how achieving his goal of conquering his stutter is really about serving others.
When I looked at losing my job through the lens of story, I realized that I, too, had been too attached to my ego.
I was so focused on that end goal of running a studio someday that I’d become blind to the way my work was affecting me on a spiritual level.
I had started doing things that went against my true values. I had stopped listening to my colleagues, because my ego didn’t want to hear anyone else’s ideas. But my story wasn’t over—this was just the difficult middle.
Changing my perspective would change the story of my life.
When you hit obstacles in your life story, you may find yourself humbled. But at that moment you have a choice: Will you stick with your old ego-driven perspective, or will you transcend it? Is your story over, or is this just the difficult middle?
When you experience this kind of loss, putting your ego aside will help you figure out the next chapter in your story. There are three steps involved in making this mental shift:
- Recognition
- Action
- Accomplishment
Recognizing that we’ve been driven by ego is the first step toward resolving the problem.
Understanding how my attachment to ego had led to the end of my job helped me pick myself up and redefine my goals. I decided to use my experience to help others achieve their dreams instead of continuing to strive for personal gain.
Once you’ve recognized the role of your ego, you need to take action to change the direction of your story.
Let your spirit guide your actions instead of your ego. Instead of focusing inward and dwelling on your loss, reach outward. Redefine your goals to make them more about connecting and serving others.
I’ve found that pursuing a goal that’s about connection to others is much more fulfilling than pursuing a goal that’s about glorifying my ego. I believe if you find a spirit-driven goal, you’re more likely to feel like you’re moving toward a happy ending.
Spirit-guided action will actually make it easier for you to accomplish your goals. When we’re consumed by our own desires, we don’t allow room for other people’s perspectives. We don’t see how our actions might affect others. Other people become obstacles instead of potential partners.
True communication with yourself and with others will put you in harmony with your spirit and the world around you. Acting out of this harmony will create the momentum you need to achieve your goals.
Let the obstacles you face prompt you to reevaluate your goals. Is your spirit setting your agenda, or your ego? How will letting go of your ego help you connect to others? How might that connection change the way you define your intentions?
When we feel connected instead of isolated and detached, we transcend our own small egos. And just like the heroes of our favorite stories, when we transcend our own perspectives, we ultimately find greater fulfillment.
If you look at your life as a story, you’ll see that obstacles push you toward growth. That loss or change isn’t the end of your story—it’s just the beginning of your new chapter.
Lori’s Note: I was thrilled to interview Jen Grisanti for my first ever eCourse. Learn more about the course, Recreate Your Life Story: Change the Script and Be the Hero, here.
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8 Things to Do If You Want to Be at Peace with Yourself
“He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the world.” ~Marcus Aurelius
How can I find peace of mind? It’s a question often asked, but rarely answered in a satisfying way.
Some say peace of mind lies in security. Some say it’s about de-cluttering and finding stillness and calm in life. Some say it’s about acceptance and letting go. I say it’s all about what you do.
Let me introduce myself. I’m an addict. An alcoholic since my teens, I lived most of my life on various edges.
At twenty-one, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, as if being an alcoholic wasn’t bad enough. If you don’t know what BPD is, it is an unsettled and shifting sense of self, and it’s unbearably difficult to live with.
I possessed a fearful and fraught mind at the best of times. Both my addiction and my BPD led me to do some pretty crazy things. Crossing a drunk person with a personality disorder is not conducive to the sort of life you would wish on anyone.
I spent my twenties clambering out of one catastrophe and into another, doing some fairly disgraceful things—hiding, lying, hurting other people and myself. At least one hour a day was spent in absolute misery and penance, sorry for myself and for anyone who crossed my path of destruction.
But behind the carnage, I was a genuinely good-hearted person. All through my mental illnesses, I tried to make the best of it, to be a nice person. And there was no one more empathetic than me. If anyone else had a problem, I would drop everything to run to them.
But my mind was not somewhere you would want to take a fishing trip, let alone a whole vacation. Of all the people I hurt in my life, I hurt no one more than myself. I hurt myself by doing things that would make me feel guilt and shame later on.
When I finally got the right treatment and got sober, after a decade of madness, I heard people speak about serenity and finding peace of mind. In early recovery, it was still an utter mystery to me.
I saw a counselor who told me to give it time. I went to alcohol services—they told me to work a program. I listened to “spiritual folk” who told me to meditate.
No one seemed to be giving me practical answers about how to achieve something I had been searching for all along: peace and self-esteem.
But the answer was so simple. You create your state of mind by the things you do, and you cement that by the things you tell yourself.
As long as I behave with integrity every day, I can feel at peace with myself.
Things will always change. Life will sometimes be tough. People will say and do things that upset you. That’s just the nature of things.
As long as you hang onto your integrity, no matter what is happening in your world, you can go to bed with a clear conscience. And no matter how tough things get, you can still have that wonderful sense of peace within you.
But it takes some practice to really start to feel it, and to live with integrity at all times. Here are some tips to help you cultivate a sense of peace.
1. Know your ideal self.
Make a list of all the good qualities you intend to cultivate. Are you going to be kinder, fairer, more tolerant, more magnanimous, more patient, more dignified? What are your responses to difficulties going to be? What principles do you wish to uphold?
2. Do the next right thing.
If you’ve been struggling with your emotional or mental state like I was, it may be difficult, at first, to act with integrity all the time. You may find yourself making mistakes and sometimes behaving in a less than ideal way. In order to build up a habit of sticking to your principles, just practice doing the “next right thing” all the time.
3. Let go of perfectionism.
I could have made my life a lot easier if I had validated the attempts I was making to do the right thing even when things were a struggle. Instead, I beat myself up and made myself feel worse because I was angry with myself for not living right. It’s all a journey. Allow yourself to be imperfect, and yet still make progress.
4. Make amends immediately.
If for some reason you end up treating someone unfairly or unkindly, or doing something dishonest or mean, make amends for it as soon as you can. Don’t wait. Correct your mistakes as soon as possible, and you can find peace of mind in the fact that you have improved upon your actions and done your part to relieve any ill feeling or guilt.
5. Practice patience.
Other people around you may not be living in the same way that you have chosen to. It doesn’t matter; they will have their conscience to live with at the end of the day, and you will have yours. Choose to respond in a way that will give you peace of mind. Take a deep breath before reacting to people who push your buttons.
6. Let your head and heart support you.
You won’t have a peaceful mind if you allow negativity to dominate your thinking. Try to understand others rather than judging them. Forgive others and you free yourself. Radiate compassion and be a good Samaritan. Not only will others benefit; you’ll also add to your own sense of self-esteem.
7. Think long term.
It may be tempting to lose your rag when you’re feeling angry or frustrated. But think about how you will feel about yourself and your own actions later on. Will you be happy about your behavior? Will it lead to you feeling peace of mind? If not, don’t do it.
8. Validate yourself.
You will not get to feel that lovely sense of peace if you don’t take the time to fully acknowledge it. In difficult situations, look at what you did well. If you’ve been struggling, notice when you make progress. At the end of each day, summarize to yourself how you’ve acted well and kept your integrity.
What helps you feel at peace with yourself?
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Why We Need to Create Our Own “Normal”
“If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.” ~Maya Angelou
I had a glimpse of normal when I was a child. It looked like bright splodges of paint on pieces of cheap paper, animals made from bits of wool and odd buttons, and many, many books. Normal was taking exceedingly long suburban walks while pestering my father to supply me with mental arithmetic, to sate an insatiable love of numbers.
The most normal place in the world, my sanctuary, was the library. I loved the plastic covered window seats that would stick to the back of my legs on hot summer days, and the smell of dusty old books that was as healing as a salty-sea breeze.
The library was my portal to different worlds and otherworldly wisdom.
As a small child, I quickly outgrew the children’s section and I would spend hours surrounded by oversized books or lurking in the darkest, furthest corner of the library where my favorite books were kept. My normal choices, from which I very rarely deviated, were ancient mysteries and the paranormal.
My normal childhood revolved around messy artwork, numbers, and an obscure taste in books. And that is what made my heart sing with happiness and gave me peace, contentment, and always food for thought.
Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, I lost my normal.
I listened to teachers who said girls were not naturally gifted in mathematics. My peers let me know that reading was geeky unless, of course, the material included tips on kissing boys or growing boobs (or both). I told myself that creative expression was just a hobby and wasn’t a viable career option.
By the time I was ready to start making my own way in life, I was normal. Not my own normal, but the normal that seamlessly integrated into the world around me without raising any eyebrows or rocking any boats.
I spent four years at college studying a subject that held no passion for me, I took a sensible job that gave me no sense of fulfilment, and I married my run-of-the-mill boyfriend. I had a mortgage, a car, kids, and a profound unhappiness that bubbled to the surface from time to time as pockets of depression.
It took a personal mini earthquake to shake me loose from the normal life I’d created so I could reconnect with my authentic self. My world fell down around me, and almost overnight the normal world I lived in ceased to exist.
Life sends wake up calls from time to time. Sometimes they’re ear-splittingly loud and force you to look at how you’ve been living.
I had to make a decision. I could rebuild my life as before, or I could try a new normal.
Step by step, I laid my own foundations and let my spirit design my life. I ignored advice that came packaged in “you should” or “you can’t” and I found my own way back to happiness. Being my own kind of normal is how I find peace and purpose.
Normal is an illusion
What’s normal for you could be totally off-the-wall for me. And it doesn’t matter. It’s all good.
Normal is only an illusion.
Every one of us is exquisitely unique and normal all at the same time. Eccentricities, quirks, and personal passions bring diversity and color to a world that often appears drab and full of sameness.
If you try to fit into society’s definition of normal, you deny the world a chance to see your great spirit, and probably bring down a bucket load of unhappiness onto yourself too.
It takes courage to say no to general normalcy. There’s less risk just to go with the flow but there’s also far fewer rewards. It’s a scary, brave, bold, and liberating move to show the world your authentic, normal self.
These days my normal is self-employment in an area I’m overflowing with passion for, spirituality that fits me, and a relationship with a man whose normal is pretty similar to mine. There are still many, many books but far less mental arithmetic.
3 Simple Steps to Create Your Own Normal
1. Love and accept yourself in all your amazing glory.
2. Love people you want to love.
3. Do what you love.
Follow these simple steps and ignore all the naysayers, doubters, and negativists. Embrace your own normal and you’ll find you live a life far from average and ordinary.
Photo by kris krug
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5 Questions To Ask Yourself If You’re Not Where You Thought You’d Be
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ~Rumi
When I left high school, I had no idea about what I wanted to be when I “grew up.” I still had no idea when I left university. There wasn’t anything in me that really burned to be a doctor, a translator, a lawyer, or an artist, for example.
I was a bit of an all-arounder and wasn’t really 100% focused in any one direction. I always thought this was the curse of completing an arts degree (namely French), where in many cases you can go in any direction you choose, but what if you have no idea?
I think what I was always quite sure of is the feeling this unknown career would instill in me.
I remember speaking to a career counsellor and saying something about wanting to be a powerful woman who wears suits, has some kind of semi-important title, and spends a lot of their time getting the train between Paris and London for business meetings.
As soon as I said it, though, I felt hollow and instinctively knew that that wasn’t me. This is what all my friends were signing up for, and I was torn.
Do I follow what I’m expected to do and go for the lifestyle, or do I dive back into the crumbling well of not knowing what I’m doing with my life?
After a lot of soul searching, I decided to move into high school teaching. I could still be involved in all things French, have some kind of semi-prestigious role, and make a difference. (The suit was optional, though).
That “business woman” feeling I’d wanted translated quite well into teaching. I felt wanted, important, needed, useful, and creative, like a fountain of knowledge creating an impact where it mattered. But something was still missing.
After feeling empty, fed up, and like I was sacrificing my well-being at the expense of my career/search for a particular feeling, I knew I still wasn’t in the right place.
I then went through a few years of relentlessly comparing myself to others and where they got to in life. My friends at university seemed to be settling into jobs that were made for them. They were making good money and climbing the ladder.
Why couldn’t I do this? Why didn’t I want to do this? It wasn’t supposed to be like this. What the hell was wrong with me?
The last few years after moving from the UK to Australia have marked something of a transition for me. I feel that there was a reason I was meant to move to the other side of the world: I came here to follow my own path.
I was meant to come to Australia to stop comparing myself to my university friends, to stop feeling that I’d let me parents down, and to be really secure in myself and not myself in the eyes of others.
Away from this, I became incredibly interested in holistic health and nutrition, spirituality, healing, and meditation—a far cry from the powered up business woman ideal I was originally aiming for.
I am in no way where I thought I’d be when I school.
I’m pretty sure that if I told people what I was doing now (writing and training to be a healer), they’d be quite surprised. Trust me—no one is more surprised than me. But I absolutely love what I’m doing and I’m so passionate about it. I’m incredibly grateful that I’ve found my “thing.”
If you’re nodding your head furiously at anything I’ve written and feel like you’re not where you thought you would be, I invite you to think about the following questions.
1. Is it really as bad as it appears to be?
Okay, you might not have the salary, but is your job progressing the way you want it to? Do you have steady income? Do you like your colleagues?
If you really drill down into “dream” jobs, there’s always something people don’t particularly like doing, but generally it’s okay. They don’t call them “jobs” for nothing!
2. Are you putting unnecessary pressure on yourself?
Whether you’re recovering from an illness or setting up your own business, it can be terrifying and can often feel like you’re never going to get there. Remember to give yourself a break and be kind to yourself.
Take time to step back and look at what you’ve achieved so far. If something’s worth doing, it’s worth taking time over and really pacing yourself. A bit of patience and a sprinkle of hope, and you’ll get there.
3. Whose expectations are you fighting with—yours or someone else’s?
I suddenly realized, after years of comparing myself to other people, that I was doing myself a huge injustice by making myself feel inferior to others.
As much as I wanted to blame society, the government, or my parents for not being where I wanted to be in life, I realized the expectations I’d placed on myself were incredible.
Even if I were as perfect as I’d envisioned, I still wouldn’t be happy. The same goes for expectations laid down on you by other people—they’ll never be happy with where you are either.
That’s when I realized I had to let it all go. These herculean expectations were energy zapping and weighing me down, so I released them.
4. What can you learn from the situation?
Everything happens for a reason. Are you underselling yourself at work? Are you spending time on things that really light you up?
The big lesson for me was learning to be myself and be okay with that. I learned that my talents and skills are unique and that at the end of the day, people want and remember you for you, not for your job.
5. Is there anything you could do today to move you closer to your ideal life?
Once I thought about all the time I’d wasted wishing I was higher up the ladder, more glamorous, or more athletic, I wanted to do something right away that would make me feel like I was moving the right direction for me.
If you’re constantly berating yourself for your fitness, go to the gym. Want to eat healthier food? Cook healthier food. It’s simple. Often, we sabotage ourselves as an avoidance tactic. Nobody can do it for you but you.
There’s no time like the present. Your dream and goals are just waiting for you to run toward them with open arms. All you have to do is say yes.
Photo by mrhayata
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Love, Light, and Other Lessons That Crisis Reveals to Us
“Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant.” ~Paul Coelho
There have been more shocking and devastating world events in recent memory than I can keep up with. Hurricane Sandy. Sandy Hook Shooting. Shooting at Portland Mall. Australian wildfires. Club Fire in Brazil. Hurricane Nemo. Earthquake in China. Bangladesh Factory Collapse. Boston Bombing. Texas Plant Explosion. Floods in Midwest. Tornadoes in Oklahoma.
So much loss. Devastation. Pain. Piled one on top of the other with little time to regain our footing in between.
I can hear that fearful place inside me questioning, “Is this how it’s going to happen? Is this the beginning of the end? Is nature finally gonna take us out for what we’ve done, or are we just gonna take each other out?”
And I fall into that spiral of anger, frustration, and endless questioning, feeling my energy getting dragged down and down.
I want to crawl into my hermit-y, safe shell and hide, and resolve in the fact that people are screwed up, and nature is ultimately in control, and there’s nothing I can do about it except wallow and whine about how no one’s doing anything about it.
And I can hear that fearful place inside me wondering, “Why? Why there? Why those people? Why kids? What’s going to happen? Should I be scared? Prepared? Worrying? Ramshackling together a bunker in my garage? What am I supposed to do?”
So I do all I can do. Clutching my loved ones a little tighter to my chest, I keep going.
My fear usually continues until the day after comes. Until we know it’s over. And then the fear and anxiety releases in a flood of relief as love comes in to fill its place.
On the day after, there is hope. Incredible tales of resilience, courage, and survival. Amazing stories of heroism, selflessness, and grace.
Suddenly, we feel spared, lucky. Yes, look at all we’ve lost, but look at all there is left to be grateful for.
Suddenly, we are reminded that life is only about the people around us and that it’s all, and always, about love.
Neighbors, strangers, communities coming together. Nations rapt in attention, holding their breath. In those moments, we experience our oneness. In those moments, we shift from a modality of competition into one of cooperation. In those moments, we can actually feel the truth that we’re all in this together. It’s palpable.
Could that be why these horrific events keep happening? Their rate seeming to steadily increase since 2013 dawned and we were ushered into a new era.
It seems we need a collective shift in consciousness; our entire energy needs to be raised.
And unfortunately, it often takes shock to knock us out of our hypnotic day-to-day enough that we wake up, rise up, and come together. It takes a shock for us to start questioning why we’re here and what it’s all about.
It feels like the something greater out there has two gigantic defibrillator paddles on the Earth’s heart and is trying to shock us back to life. Clear. Hurricane! Shooting! Tornado! Bombing! Come on. Wake up. Come back to us.
And in those moments when we do wake up and act out of courage, act out of conviction, act out of love, we feel it: lucky just to be alive. Grateful for this moment, this one, right here. We can’t believe how blessed we must be to be alive right now, having this experience.
We feel connected. On purpose. Like we’re here for a reason. Like it all matters. And that’s how we’re meant to feel everyday. Not just through trauma and pain, but in our good ole, average ordinary.
Miracles are not extraordinary events; they are happening all around us, all the time. It just often takes extraordinary events for us to see them and realize they’ve been here all the while.
I think that if we can take one message from the sadness that’s surrounded our world lately, one possible why, is that only by witnessing the dark can we know what the light is.
That light exists within all of us, and once we know where the switch is, we can turn it on every single day—not just in our darkest moments.
It is wholly within our power and responsibility to feel lucky, and grateful, and amazed just to be alive. Just to be a part of it all.
It’s wholly within our power and responsibility to shine our individual lights as brightly as possible so that when we come together, the darkness will have no fighting chance. We’ll obliterate it.
From my perspective, our response to all these inner-light-switching events as of late just confirm to me, more now than ever, that our future looks positively bright.
Photo by Hartwig HKD
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After Tragedy: 3 Reasons And 21 Ways to Find Joy Again
“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” ~Bernice Johnson Reagon
My brother died suddenly, at just thirty-nine years old. One moment he was in the midst of a regular working day. Half an hour later he was gone. Twenty-four hours later he was buried.
With things happening so fast, I found myself alternating between paralysis and intense waves of pain, anger, guilt, sorrow, and devastation. I guess we all felt this way. Only it didn’t quite look like we all did/
In between waves of sadness and silence, my brother’s children were playing and having fun and enjoying an ice cream as if nothing had happened.
It wasn’t just because they didn’t quite understand what was going on. I mean, none of us could really understand this. If you’ve ever experienced a tragedy (and who hasn’t?), you know exactly what I mean.
Rather, the children were merely being themselves. They were simply going with the constantly changing flow of their emotions and expressing it spontaneously. That’s what children do.
And so they expressed the wonder of being alive as wholeheartedly and as immediately as they expressed the pain of missing their beloved father.
We, the adults, were only able to feel and express the latter.
Does it mean that we are made of different stuff than children, then?
Not really. It’s just that most adults have great difficulties dealing with certain emotions and situations, and the name of the problem is “judgment.”
Back then, while watching the children play I found myself kind of baffled. I didn’t really judge them. And yet, there was judgment there. Because, in the face of such loss, joy feels inappropriate.
I’m sure you know what I mean. Whether we’re confronted by personal tragedy, an act of terror, a natural disaster, or genocide, joy just doesn’t seem to be the right response.
Even if there might be glimpses of it here and there, we fear that expressing joy might be mocking the tragedy. But that’s not necessarily true.
In fact, countless people (including myself) have experienced deep joy right in the middle of tragedy, and not just in glimpses.
Don’t get this wrong. You’re not joyful because of the tragedy. You are joyful because you are “heart-broken open,” as Kristine Carlson calls it.
In this sudden state of openness there is a sense of deep love and a degree of emotional nakedness that we don’t usually expose to each other. Being in such a space together, being so present, so connected with each other, so united across all differences, is indeed joyful, in a mellow sort of way.
And yet, many who experience such joy keep it secret, simply because it feels wrong somehow, even if nothing could be more right.
Remember, “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” And discovering who you are includes discovering that you are all your emotions, not just some of them.
So let’s replace the idea that joy is inappropriate with something that is closer to truth!
3 Reasons to Bring Joy Back into Your Life
Reason #1: Joy is your nature.
Joy flows from the same source as love and peace; it flows from your heart.
Would you want to deny your loved ones your love and your peace? Of course not. Then please, don’t deny yourself your joy either.
Don’t push it, either. When sadness comes, allow your tears to flow. When joy comes, allow your smile to shine. That’s how it is supposed to be. It’s your nature; it’s who you are.
Reason #2: Joy is your light.
Joy is the light within.
Would you want to deny your loved ones that light? Of course not. Then please, accept it for yourself as well. When it shines, you can see the path in front of you, even if just one step ahead.
One step at a time, toward light—isn’t that a fine way to respond to tragedy?
Reason #3: Joy is your power.
The deep joy flowing within you is a healing force. Its warmth has the power to melt the inner paralysis. Its energy has the power to fuel your journey toward a life in alignment with your heart’s desire.
Would you want to deny your loved ones that? Of course not. Then don’t deny yourself the power of your joy either. Because your heart’s true desire is to live, and to feel joy.
But how? After tragedy, how do you even open your heart and mind to joy?
It depends on who you are. In other words, discovering who you really are also means finding your way back to joy.
In that spirit let me present to you some of the infinite numbers of ways in which you could bring joy back into life. Perhaps even more ideas will show up in the comments section.
In any case, I invite you to look at all these ways as possibilities, nothing more. Ponder them for a while, and then find out which one you feel most drawn to.
Pick that one, and then start practicing joy in this way, daily. Here they come, in no particular order:
21 Ways to Bring Joy into Your Life
1. Spend time with children (there are children everywhere).
2. Discover something refreshing (or surprising).
3. Feel your body (you are a miracle of life).
4. Read a novel (fiction, stories, not the usual self-improvement stuff).
5. Travel (any distance).
6. Look for smiles in people’s faces (on the street and on TV).
7. Write thank you notes (to yourself too).
8. Create a rhythm for your daily life (simple things will do).
9. Exercise (in a way that makes you smile).
10. Help someone (with something you enjoy doing).
11. Find a color that makes you feel good (and wear it).
12. Enjoy your spiritual practice. (Enjoy!)
13. Spend time with nature (plants and pets are nature, too).
14. Do something creative (just for yourself).
15. Accept help from people (strangers, too).
16. Learn something new. (What have you always wanted to learn?)
17. Listen to music (and let your body move along).
18. Walk barefoot (slowly).
19. Savor simple pleasures. (What’s that?)
20. Give yourself a break (in every sense of the word).
21. When you have a choice, choose joy.
I believe most of these suggestions are pretty self-explanatory. If in doubt, just ask in a comment and I’ll respond ASAP.
Also know that once you decide to allow joy back into your life, joy will show you the way.
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We Can Control How We Respond to Things We Can’t Control
“When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl
Every year, March 13th is difficult for me. This year, I marked the day with a long hike in the woods near my house and an extra-long hug for my wife, Kathleen. My sisters and I called each other and just said his name out loud. Wherever he is, we want him to know he is gone but not forgotten.
March 13th would have been my brother Jimmy’s 64th birthday. He only made it to 26.
But March 13th is also a time to reflect on what Jimmy meant to me, because although his death was a tragic event, it inspired me to choose a better life.
April 23rd, 1975. A day that will be in my consciousness as long as I breathe.
It was my sister Elizabeth’s 17th birthday and the day that my brother Jimmy, whom I worshipped, died.
I was 11; Jimmy (as I said) was 26. My other older brother Robert (I am the youngest of eight) broke the news to me and my three other closest siblings, Michael, Madeleine, and Elizabeth.
Robert told us and then held me in his arms as I screamed, “That’s not true! Jimmy can’t die! It’s a mistake!”
But it wasn’t. He was gone, and my life changed that day forever.
This devastating change was not my choice, but what I did next was. It was always my brother’s dream that his seven other siblings would escape our abusive father. I knew that, to honor Jimmy, I would never go back home.
My mission from that day forward was to grow up and take control of my life. In the darkest moments—fighting with my foster parents, for example—I would say to myself, “Stay strong for Jimmy.”
My path was far from smoothly paved; many bumps lay ahead. But I knew at that early age that whatever the universe threw at me, I could at the very least control my reaction and my journey forward, out of darkness into light.
We choose to quit jobs, get married, adopt an animal, but of course there are many life events we don’t choose—a divorce, an accidental pregnancy, or the death of a loved one. Yet we can still choose how we deal with and react to these occurrences in our lives.
During tough times, our emotions run the gamut: denial, anger, fury, despair, numbness, isolation, desperation. In order to heal, we must feel. But we have a say in what we do with our feelings.
There are no right or wrong reactions, only what serves us and what doesn’t.
It may help you to be angry and express your rage; it may help to be alone for some time. What is crucial when moving through a crisis is maintaining self-awareness.
Check in with yourself daily, perhaps through meditation or journaling, and ask yourself: Where am I today? Is this helping me? What might be the next phase of this transition?
While we have to relinquish control over the circumstances, we can still maintain our connection to ourselves. We can work with this knowledge, to paraphrase Victor Frankl, to face the challenge of changing ourselves.
“Change” has become a dirty word in today’s world; advertisers avoid it because consumers associate the word with challenge and difficulty.
But whether we like it doesn’t really matter—life-altering events will change us, in one way or another. Instead of tuning out to avoid the pain, dealing with and even embracing tragedy and its consequences gives us an active role in guiding our own change and growth.
Transformation is all around us. Transitions are the birthing pains, alternately exhilarating and difficult, that can bring wondrous, challenging, beautiful changes into our lives.
What change are you dealing with now, and how are you responding to it?
Photo here
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5 Lessons from Death to Help You Create Joy, Passion, and Meaning
“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” ~Unknown.
Death is something many of us fear. Perhaps not so much our own death, but the mere thought of losing a loved one can be heartbreaking.
On Sunday May 5th, my grandma had a large stroke. She’d baked her last cake, shared her final story, and within the blink of an eye, she was gone. Six days later her life ended, in a hospital bed, surrounded by her loved ones.
She was not only my grandmother, but also the grandmother to five others, a great-grandmother, a mother of three, and the soul mate to her life partner.
During the final week of her life, I was abruptly reminded just how fragile life really is, and how everything can change in a second. Here is what I’ve learned:
1. It’s not what you are; it’s who you are.
Wealth, status, and career are irrelevant when you are on your deathbed. The only thing that truly matters at the end of your life is how many people loved you for who you were, not what you did for a living.
My nan had a brilliant sense of humor, countless tales to make us laugh, an abundance of love, and delicious home-cooked food to share. She was always a joy to be around.
When you look back on your life, it’s not about the amount of money you’ve made, or how many letters you have accumulated after your name; it’s the human beings whose hearts you have touched.
2. Now is the only time that really matters.
Don’t put off something that can be done today, as your tomorrow may never arrive.
Thankfully, my nan had lived a very fulfilling life and had reached the great age of 88. However, death can call for any one of us, at any time.
Whatever your age, you need to ask yourself: Are you really living your life to its full potential, or constantly waiting for a better tomorrow?
If you are unhappy with something, change it. If you need to resolve a difference with another person, work on it. Life really is too precious and too fragile to wait for another moment that isn’t now.
3. Life is too short to be anything but happy.
Life does have its ups and downs, and it is impossible to be happy all of the time. But, when those joyous moments do arise, enjoy them, savor them, and find a special place for them.
During the last years of my nan’s life, she found it a struggle to get around. But what she lacked in mobility, she made up for with great wisdom, sharing fond memories and amusing anecdotes from her past.
As we go through life, we create our own stories and live through countless experiences. Make your today a day that will bring you joy over and over again, when you look back on your life in many years to come.
4. Share your gifts with the world.
Everyone knew that our grandma made delicious cakes. But it wasn’t just any old mixture of sugar, butter, flour, and eggs. It was her unique way to share a slice of happiness with her loved ones through her special gift of baking.
Whatever your talent may be, don’t keep it just for yourself. Share it with others.
If you’re a great cook, make a fantastic meal for family or friends. If you’re an aspiring artist, make a piece of art for that special person. If you can write, express yourself through a blog and reach out. If you can sing or play an instrument, make an effort to get yourself heard.
Life is all about sharing. Give back more than what you take. Inspire others, and share your own individual gifts with the people in your world and beyond.
5. Make a living bucket list.
You enter this world with nothing, and you leave with nothing. What you accumulate in the middle, the “stuff” you own, does not even come close to defining your worth as a person.
Material possessions come and go throughout life, but life experiences stay with you until your dying day, bringing smiles and laughter to those listening around you.
While you are able to live your life to the fullest, do so. If you have always dreamed of visiting that amazing destination, go travel. If you wish to be more creative, find inspiration. Or if you simply want more fun in your life, get out there, connect with people, and enjoy yourself.
Start your living bucket list today; don’t wait until your days are numbered to start living your dreams.
Photo by geralt
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The Dangers of Staying Quiet: Learning to Ask For Help
“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard
My right leg lay twisted, broken and disconnected. As I regained awareness, I could hear a primal scream.
It took a while to register that it was coming from me.
At the time, I was supposedly living my dream, but in truth I was drowning in my loneliness. So I had stood almost directly behind a horse I knew was prone to kicking and pulled her tail.
She wasn’t malicious; if she was, I would be dead now, as I had lain under her until I was found. But I had invaded her space and she told me she didn’t like it.
That was fifteen years, three long operations, and one titanium rod ago.
I had been riding since I was four, and at the time I was twenty-two and competing professionally. I had trained with Olympic medallists and I had supposedly landed this great opportunity and I was on my way.
It all looked right and perfect. The truth was that I was miserable and felt completely out of my depth. I knew no one where I lived. I was isolated yet expected to succeed—to deliver without any support.
The more time went on, the more I hid the truth of my situation and how I felt from everyone who loved me, denying myself, because I didn’t know how to say I had made a mistake. I was struggling and desperately needed help.
I had realized I’d made a mistake by accepting this job. I didn’t trust the owner for whom I was working and I couldn’t do everything I was expected to do alone, but I didn’t want my friends and family to think I had failed.
It took me ten years to admit to myself that I was ashamed for having caused my accident.
I chose to sacrifice myself and put my body in danger so that I could make the situation end—to somehow be rescued and for things to change.
I was ashamed that I had caused drama in my life and trauma to myself as a way of getting what I needed. I got change, but the consequences were more dramatic than I could have imagined.
Not only did I lose my job, but I also ended my professional riding career for good.
I ended my dream of competing at the Olympics, which I had been striving, training, and working for my whole life. I lost my house and my friends, who I had left when I moved away to the new job. For a year, I totally lost my independence, and it would take several years until I was fully physically recovered.
I would live the rest of my life with physical scars to remind me, and internal scars that would haunt me for years.
It has been my greatest lesson in life to find a voice and not just speak, but to speak up and tell the truth about how I feel. To be true to myself and take care of what I need and want, and demonstrate to myself that I matter, by telling other people what is important to me.
We are taught in school that if we don’t understand something and need help, to put our hand up and ask. It sounds so simple, but why do so many of us see this as a weakness and instead believe we must struggle and suffer in silence?
My suffering in silence eventually led me to dramatic and potentially life-endangering measures.
When I lay on the floor waiting for the paramedics, before someone had covered my leg, I stared at it broken like a china doll.
I was lucky that I had been wearing calf-length leather riding chaps and it was to them that I owe the fact I didn’t lose my leg; it managed to keep everything together enough to be saved.
My physical healing was relatively easy, with some time, patience, and loving care. Although I did eventually get up and ride again, even compete, even though I was told I never would, the psychological damage stripped me of my trust in myself, something that would last for years.
I came to fear that I might self-sabotage again, betraying myself, and that there would be dire consequences if I took any risks.
So I quit trying.
For a long time my life was small and riddled with fear, which kept me prisoner—physically safe but, ironically, once again deeply lonely.
It has taken an immense amount of courage to change this, and sometimes I would start to feel better, only to end up back in my cell.
I had to stop waiting to be rescued by someone—anyone—who might telepathically know how I felt without me actually saying.
I laugh now, because I have been taught by life that real love means being encouraged to be the biggest, most confident, strongest version of myself, to be able to stand up for myself and tell the truth, even if it might hurt someone else’s feelings.
It is not my destiny to be self-sacrificing for fear of disappointing someone or hurting other people, but instead my responsibility to protect, love, and honor my well-being and happiness.
My mistakes, actions, or consequences no longer need to be catastrophic, as long as I speak up and be honest early on, ask for help, talk to others, ask for someone to listen to me or even sometimes just give me a shoulder to cry on or a hug.
A plaster always needs to be ripped off quickly to minimize the pain—and sometimes speaking the truth must be done in the same way.
Because I didn’t do this, the pain, grief, shame, and trauma of that time in my life got stuck in my body and festered, eventually becoming too painful to hide from. Strangely, though, it actually helped me find the strength I needed to face how I had let myself down.
I had chosen to be the victim, rather than speak up.
I finally chose instead to let the tears fall, to wash away the pain, and I started speaking the truth. It wasn’t pretty, but I wanted to find a way to forgive myself and finally let go of the past.
A few years on, I still sometimes struggle a little to speak up straight away when I am cross, in pain, and upset, but the truth always finds a way to bubble to the surface.
Something in me won’t let me be quiet any more.
With practice, I have learned to quieten the inner voice that tells me to ignore my feelings and keep pretending that everything is fine and dandy.
Instead, I have to practice speaking with emotional clarity to say what I need, even if I have to shout it, write it, or repeat it over and over again to be heard.
I have learned the simple truth that mistakes only happen when we are confused, don’t understand what is being communicated to us or expected of us, and when we don’t ask for help to make sense of something we don’t understand.
So, the next time you find yourself in that state of fear, confused about which way to turn, don’t stay quiet, don’t suffer in silence!
Remember our school lesson and put your hand up, either metaphorically or physically, and ask for help from anyone, whether in prayer or from another person.
Be honest, keep asking, and don’t give up until you find what you need.
You might not always find the answer straight away, but by talking about it, asking, and listening, it will come.
Photo by Mitya Ku
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9 Ways You May Unwittingly Deprive Yourself of Love and Fulfillment
“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi
Do you want to let go and live life fully?
If you feel that you are missing out on fulfillment and happiness, but cannot put your finger on why, perhaps there is something deeper going on.
Believe it or not, anyone can develop an unconscious habit of self-deprivation. Usually this habit begins in childhood.
Here’s how mine developed.
When I was younger, if anyone approached and tried to attend to my needs, I’d make sure they understood that I was just fine without their help.
Interestingly, I was also accident-prone. I was always managing to take a spill, as if in hot pursuit of another skinned knee or broken bone. Yet, I cannot remember one instance when I welcomed sympathy or caring or intervention from anyone.
I guess thought I was pretty tough. Looking back, I also wonder how much I wanted to prove that I didn’t need other people. I am fine! Now, kindly leave me alone. This was my attitude.
Why? There could be many reasons.
You could call it genetics—just look at the other men in my family. Enough said!
You could say I had a somewhat cold and distant mother. I was proving to her that I didn’t need her anyway.
You could even blame the primal backlash that occurs when we exit the womb. When we make the transition from the oblivious comfort and security of the womb into a world where, by comparison, we feel deprived, controlled, and rejected, we are bound suffer some maladaptive consequences.
We could find lots of things to blame, but the point is, I developed this pattern. And I marched right into adulthood with it firmly in place.
The unintended outcome was that I rarely felt loved (imagine that). It was hard to be close to anyone and I felt disconnected, empty, and alone. I didn’t want to feel this way, but that’s what happens as you refuse to connect when people reach out.
I couldn’t have been more successful if my unconscious mind had an actual goal to keep me in a state of emptiness and deprivation.
The big AHA moment came when I realized I was attached to being emotionally deprived. Attachments are not a conscious choice, but an unwitting set up that lands us in that old, familiar place where we do not get what we want.
Amazingly, over the years we learn to tolerate it, come to expect it, and even prefer the deprivation in some strange, familiar way. It is critical to recognize when this is happening.
Here are nine signs you have developed an attachment to deprivation, unwittingly setting yourself up to feel unfulfilled:
1. You don’t express your needs.
Refusing to express your needs virtually guarantees deprivation. Millions of people allow others to ignore, take advantage, and take them for granted because they will not speak up.
2. You are overly focused on the needs of others.
Focusing solely on the needs of others at the expense of your own is actually a disservice to yourself and others. It typically leads to resentment and emotional martyrdom.
3. You feel guilty when you do something for yourself.
Guilt or “selfish” feelings when you meet your own needs is a sign that you don’t believe you deserve to have them met, as if it were wrong.
4. You can’t take compliments.
Not accepting compliments graciously (inside and out) is a way to deflect them, depriving yourself of the need to be appreciated.
5. You are attracted to emotionally unavailable or self-centered people.
A sure way to not to get your needs met is to attract emotionally unavailable or narcissistic people into your life. When you commit to these kinds of people, you set yourself up for a lifetime of emotional deprivation.
6. You expect disappointment.
Expecting disappointment keeps fulfillment at a distance. Going into situations anticipating disappointment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
7. You don’t know what you want or cannot define your purpose in life.
This is so common! People usually don’t think of it this way, but not knowing what you want or even trying to figure it out is a way to avoid your purpose. Living with a sense of purpose is a huge need that brings meaning and fulfillment.
8. You shy away from intimacy.
When you avoid close relationships or shy away from deeper connections with people, you miss out on this fundamental contribution to happiness and fulfillment.
9. You cannot enjoy the moment.
Letting go and having fun in the here and now is an important way to experience fulfillment and reduce stress. It is a huge need! Staying in your head, remaining preoccupied or self-conscious robs you of the opportunity to enjoy your now.
Each of the above examples leads us straight into deprivation, even though we did not consciously choose to go there. It is important to shine the healing light of awareness on this issue and begin to question whether or not it is appropriate to continue doing this at this point in life.
My self-deprivation tendency, to act too tough to accept help and love, is much softer these days. I’ve been working on it. In the process, I have discovered a whole new world of support—people who are willing to love and be loved, to support and be supported.
This new world has always been available; it was just hidden behind my attachment.
Look for the signs of a deprivation attachment in your life. You may be surprised at what you find!
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Don’t Let Anyone or Anything Dim Your Inner Light
“The more light you allow within you, the brighter the world you live in will be.” ~Shakti Gawain
I was born with it. I know I was. There was a light within me that showed in my smile, my dancing around the house, my love for life, for friends, for family, and my bright future.
I don’t remember the exact day it happened, I don’t remember the last event that did it, but my inner light went out. I was no longer the happy-go-lucky girl I once was; I became lost in an abyss of darkness and sadness. Happiness and joy were thing of the past.
Was it heartbreak over the guy I was supposed to marry who broke my heart? Was it the fact that my parents got divorced and I was suddenly in the middle of it? Was it because I never stuck up for myself or spoke my truth? Did I do anything so horrible that my “karma” was kicking in?
I couldn’t figure it out. I was suddenly paralyzed in fear and my world became a place where I no longer wanted to be; I wanted out.
I was diagnosed with stage three melanoma at the age of twenty-one. The doctor who performed the biopsy called the house to let me know the results and left a message. I deleted the message.
About an hour later my parents asked me if the doctor had called. I told them yes and that I had deleted the message. They immediately called the doctor’s office in the other room.
A few minutes later they came into my room crying and told me I had stage three melanoma and needed to have it removed immediately. I wasn’t scared. In fact, I was relieved in a sense that there may be something that removed me from this world of pain I now lived in. I was numb.
I no longer had the ability to form friendships; I lost that knack which used to come so easily to me. I didn’t allow anyone to get close to me. My walls came up so high and I swore no one would ever get in.
The shame, the guilt, the embarrassment of the girl I had become began to eat me up alive. Why was I even here anymore? What was the point?
From the tender age of eighteen I suffered daily with pain and fear, and constantly had to tell myself out loud, “I can do this, I can do this,” whether it was showing up for work or any other area in my life.
In order to deal with all this emptiness and fear, I felt the only way out was to drink, do drugs, and self-destruct in any way I could.
I drank to the point where I would black out because that is where I found peace, a total escape from my reality. It didn’t matter to me if I was putting myself in harm’s way or ruining the relationships with those close to me, I had to do it. I didn’t care anymore.
The last straw was on New Year’s Eve 2001 when I went out and went into my usual blacked out state. I ended up telling my friend I wanted to kill myself. The next morning, my mom, who I had a strained relationship with because of her inability to watch me self-destruct, called me and was in tears.
She told me my friend called her and told her I said I wanted to take my life. My mom pleaded with me to get help as soon as possible.
I thought about it for a minute and pondered what she said. Live this miserable life of self-hatred and addiction, or get help. The decision I made was to get help because I had reached my bottom emotionally, physically, and spiritually and had a tiny grain of hope that I had a chance.
Attending my first rehab at the age of twenty-seven was the beginning of my road to recovery and freedom. I wish I could say I got it my first time around, but that’s not my story. Two rehabs, countless relapses and lost relationships, and continuous fear and anxiety consumed me until the age of thirty-eight, when I finally surrendered and saw that I could not do this life thing on my own.
Fear ruled my life. It was the gripping anxiety I felt on a daily basis in my stomach and in my heart. I have heard the acronym for fear, which is “Future Events Already Ruined.” I expected the worst to happen in any situation of my life.
It wasn’t until I realized I wasn’t in charge and my self-will had taken me to these dark places that I felt a load off of my jaded soul.
I began to see spirituality as a solace to my pain. I had hope (“hang on, pain ends”) that there was a light beyond my darkness.
I heard you gain strength through trials and emotional bottoms. The fact that I saw others who had suffered and found a way out made me feel like I could do it too. I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t able to cope with life.
I started to see meditation as a way to find the answers to life’s challenges and struggles. This came as such a relief, because I used to think I had to come up with the answers in my head, which was a dangerous place to be since it had led me to this place where I no longer wanted to live.
I began attending twelve-step meetings specific to my struggles, which helped me learn skills on how to live my life in a healthy way. I related to people and their pain, and was able to share mine.
Finally my pain was paying off. It allowed me to help others so that maybe they would not have to suffer as long as I did. I was no longer a victim of my life. I had appreciation and gratitude for my dark past.
I began to pray to a higher power. I learned for the first time in my life to let go. Let go of the outcomes, the fear, reactions or actions of other people, my career, my job, and my relationships—all of it.
Am I practicing letting go on a daily basis? No, but the key thing is that I have a willingness to try. Just knowing I have the option to try to let go gives me a peace of mind that I have not had for a very long time.
I had allowed people and situations that hurt me to burn out my inner light. No one turned off my light; I did. Knowing this gave me the freedom to find it again.
Everyone is born with an inner light. Some of us can hold on to it and others lose it and have to work extremely hard to get it back. My road back to my light has been painful, scary, exciting, and fulfilling. I would not change any of it. I am a stronger woman because of it and for that I am eternally grateful.
Photo by Stacy Kathryn Holst
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How Simple Little Happy Habits Can Make a Huge Difference
“Happiness quite unshared can scarcely be called happiness.” ~Charlotte Brontë
Habits are a double-edged human habitual practice—they can be healthy and unhealthy, and can bring us happiness and unhappiness.
We’ve all read about the importance of healthy and successful habits, and how to choose and practice them. But I’ve also recently read about how healthy and successful habits alone don’t necessarily lead to good health or real success. There’s more to it.
What I’m reading now shows that happiness appears to be just as important to well-being and success as lifestyle choices, that happiness alone may actually lead to the good life in body, mind, and spirit.
Sometimes there are things in life we just have to do. They’re neither painful nor pleasurable, just necessary chores. Why not lighten the load with a few little happy habits?
In my early twenties, I remember for years not being happy while shopping at the grocery market. To me, it was a dreaded chore.
I felt a certain sense of overwhelm just stepping into the market.
The overly-bright lights, the barrage of bad music interrupted only by the even more annoying announcements, the myriad choices (just shop the perimeter), deciphering the ingredients and nutrition facts labels (would the real food please stand out?), the comparison shopping tasks (the mental math matters), the crowds and their carts (to maneuver around), having to remind the clerk time and again that I didn’t want paper or plastic (I brought ’em and I’ll bag ’em), and the expensive ka-ching! (silent swipe, actually) at the check-out.
And I also recall feeling guilty (first-world problem, right?) while shopping for groceries. There I was, a first-world affluent person with really, not relatively, more than enough money, free (from work) time, and access to good food, and I resented having to shop for it. I really felt unhappy about it.
Now, this may seem like a trivial problem, but think about it. This little habit was negatively affecting my happiness. And it was no laughing matter, literally. It was making me unhappy.
Is there something you must do each day or even once or twice a week, something that you’re not happy doing? Are there a few of these somethings?
How would you describe your day-in and day-out days: happy ones with moments of unhappiness, or unhappy ones with moments of happiness? If there were simple little ways to create more happiness in your life, would you?
Even though about half of our happiness nature is actually found in the happy gene, there’s still the entire other half (full or empty, depending on which genes you don) that you can choose to nurture.
Optimists, drink up! And pessimists, don’t go thirsty! Practice simple little happy habits.
1. Choose a simple little happy habit.
First of all, simply set an intention for happiness. Would you like to create a little happiness for yourself and others? Just be conscious of your intention. Then choose a happy habit to practice.
What thoughts, words, and acts would naturally bring you and others happiness? What would work with your personality, your essential being, and not against it? What’s something you could practice doing that would cause you to lose track of the time and effort it takes to do it?
Better yet, choose a happy habit that takes very little time and simple efforts in the first place.
How about just smiling at each person you encounter today? How about simply saying please, thank you, and you’re welcome? How about sending an email to coworkers or clients expressing your appreciation?
Repeated small acts of kindness for yourself and others make for happy habits indeed.
2. Take a little time to simply practice it.
Is it something you can do any time of the day? Do you need to be in a particular position or situation, or need specific tools or materials? Can you do it even when you’re tired? Remember, keep your happy habit practice simple and little.
Much like I set up a schedule for practicing meditation, I set up a schedule for practicing happy habits.
I set electronic reminders. I post sticky notes and make lists. I ask my husband to check in with me at the end of the day. I hold myself accountable for my happiness. Eventually, I’ll be able to practice happy habits anywhere, any time, even with my eyes and heart wide open.
3. Go get a happy habit study buddy.
Share in this happiness. Enlist the help of a friend or family member. Open your happy heart. Make a little list of happy habits together. Share your notes. Text or email or call or meet up every so often to share ideas, celebrate successes, and encourage and inspire one another in your habit-making venture. Make a date to do something that brings you both a little happiness.
Are you ready for something even bigger? Join a group or club, or take a class. What have you always wanted to learn about and experience? Did you know that there is laughter yoga (Hasyayoga)? It’s about practicing laughter (and breathing, of course)—laughter simply by way of laughter. Make your happy practice contagious too.
If you’d rather go it alone, simply keep a journal. Set a timer for a couple of minutes. Record your happy little intention. And reflect upon your simple little happy habit day.
4. Check in on your little happy habit.
Just notice and pay attention to how you feel. Does your happy habit practice feel uncomfortable or comfortable? Is it hard or easy? Do you practice it willingly or unwillingly?
Basically, do you feel happy for yourself and others while you’re doing it? If so, continue to make a habit of it. If not, it’s time to choose something else, something simpler and littler. Start where you are.
What happy habit are you practicing right now? In the next hour? By the end of the day? Set small goals at first. As your strength happily increases and your happiness endurance builds, add new goals, happier ones.
Most research shows that it takes about a month to develop a new habit. Try practicing your little happy habit for a month and just see how happy you are. What’ve you got to lose, a little unhappiness?
5. Celebrate the littlest of happy habits.
Ultimately, being happier and sharing happiness is the goal and it’s its own reward. But setting small goals at first and celebrating tiny steps of success will keep you on your happy habit path. Share your happy habits, happiness, with others.
Happiness, like laughter, is contagious. Infect everyone you meet. You’ll be a little happy hero or heroine.
Who knows? Simple little happy habits might make you happier, maybe even healthier, and quite possibly wealthier and wiser.
As for me, shopping at the market for groceries has gotten a lot happier over the years. I wear a happy hat to stave off the lighting, bring along a happy playlist of songs, smile at and help and even chat with my fellow shoppers, and I truly appreciate the abundance in my life. Life is good and happy.
And I’ve added new little happy habits over the years too. Sometimes when I send a thank you card to someone, I don’t actually write on the card or the envelope. I write my words of thanks on a sticky note and place it inside the card. On another sticky note, I encourage the person to thank someone else today using the card and envelope that’s right there.
Share happiness—write a comment, sharing your simple little happy habits and how you practice them. We’d all appreciate it. Thanks, and smiles of happiness!
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4 Steps to Let Go of Blame in Your Relationship
“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” ~Dr. Robert Anthony
After living alone for five years, I moved in with my girlfriend just eight months ago. I knew that I would have to make some adjustments, but I had no idea what they might be.
I expected most of the changes to be around the dynamics of our relationship and spending too much time together. I didn’t foresee any personal growth coming out of it.
But that’s exactly what happened. I grew, and I evolved.
What Sparks a Fight
For both me and my girlfriend, cleaning our apartment is a big issue.
Neither one of us wants to do it. And even when we do clean, we want credit for it. Or at least I do.
I remember one time I had just finished cleaning our bathroom, and I felt like I had made a significant contribution to our apartment. My girlfriend—let’s just call her Mary—thanked me, but I felt like she wasn’t contributing as much to our apartment.
I accused her.
Mary hadn’t cleaned anything in a week, and I didn’t want to do all the cleaning by myself. Now it was her turn. And she should know about it.
She didn’t take it so well.
She said that she had cleaned the bathroom the last two times, in addition to the kitchen and parts of the bedroom. I told her that I had cooked the last few meals, and that she’s the one who keeps dirtying the bathroom and bedroom anyway. Why should I clean her mess?
Things Get Ugly
Before I knew it, we had escalated into a full-blown fight as we got more and more upset at each other. We were blaming each other back and forth for what the other person had or hadn’t done.
We were playing the “blame game.”
And this wasn’t the first time either.
We had played the blame game many times before, and every time we did, it would damage our relationship in a new way. Sometimes there would still be ripple effects days later.
We would get mad at each other. We would accuse each other. We would look for reasons why one of us was right and the other was wrong.
It was a downward spiral.
Blame Awareness and The Gift of Pain
Usually before I can make any significant change in my life, I need to have a high level of awareness about it. I can’t change without first knowing what change I need to make. And usually, the big alarm that tells me when something isn’t working is this:
I feel pain.
It can be sadness, anger, unhappiness—basically, any emotion that feels bad is my warning sign that something’s wrong. And this time, it was my girlfriend and I being intensely angry at each other.
Pain is a gift.
Why?
Pain is a gift because it tells us that something is not right, that something isn’t working and needs to be changed. Without feeling this pain, we might never know that we need to change.
This painful experience is what brought our blame game to my awareness.
I was now empowered to change.
Taking 100% Responsibility
I read somewhere that most successful people take 100% responsibility for their lives.
Hmm.
I thought I’d try an experiment.
What if I were to take 100% responsibility for everything in our apartment, in our relationship, in our lives?
Even though a relationship is really a 50-50 partnership, I figured I’d bite the bullet and take all the blame and responsibility—for everything—and just see what happens. (Note: If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, and your partner regularly mistreats or takes advantage of you, I would not recommend this.)
I deliberately became more aware of my tendency to blame. I was denying responsibility for things I could change.
Blame is a victim mindset, not an empowered one.
I would catch myself after I had just blamed Mary. I would catch myself while I was accusing her, or right before I was about to.
I would catch myself merely thinking the thought—that it’s her fault for such-and-such. And right before I was about to blame her for something, I’d just sit in awareness of it, as if I were a Buddhist monk.
Letting go of the blame, I would instead take full responsibility for it.
Talking About It
Accusing her and blaming her only made our relationship worse. So I was taking 100% responsibility for our relationship, and I wasn’t going to blame her for anything. Even if I felt certain it really was her fault.
At first, I didn’t tell Mary what I was doing.
Eventually, though, I told her everything. We had been blaming each other a lot, and it was making our relationship not so good, and I was making an effort to stop. I was happy when she said that she would make an effort too.
She soon stopped blaming me.
Even when she hadn’t cleaned up the mess on our table, and it was clearly her mess and her “fault,” I took responsibility for it.
Sounds crazy. Sounds dis-empowering, right?
But maybe, I had created the circumstances to allow her to leave the mess. Maybe I hadn’t communicated clearly to her that I don’t like clutter on our table. Maybe I hadn’t done anything to encourage us to both clean up together, as a team.
Total responsibility.
In the end, I didn’t become a victim either. If Mary was going to take advantage of me, this strategy would have backfired and I’d be her scapegoat. But because we’re in a healthy relationship, she didn’t mistreat me.
Eliminating Blame in Your Relationship
You’ll notice from my experience with Mary that I took specific steps to eliminate blame in our relationship. Here are the steps you can take to do the same:
Pain
The first step is just to notice if it’s an issue in your relationship. Are you fighting, getting angry with each other, playing the blame game?
Awareness
Get super-aware of when you’re blaming or faulting or accusing, even if you’re doing it in your head. If you can catch yourself sooner, you can let it go and preempt sparking a fight.
Take Responsibility
This is the hardest part, because it’s easier to find fault in others than in ourselves. We want to be right. So just do an experiment, and see if you can take complete responsibility for your life, including your relationship. See what happens. Remember, this advice applies to anyone who’s in a healthy relationship. This doesn’t mean you need to take responsibility for someone else mistreating you.
Communicate
Tell your partner what’s been going on, how you feel about it, and the effort you’re going to make. (And if something’s really bothering you, communicate your feelings without blaming.) This will bond you together, and get you on the same team. Once you’re both making an effort, you’re well on your way.
Photo by Bjorn Soderqvist
