Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • There’s a Gift in Every Problem: Finding the Good in the Bad

    There’s a Gift in Every Problem: Finding the Good in the Bad

    Dark Day

    “Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.” ~Richard Bach

    I bought the magazine because it had pizza on the cover and the headline read: “Yes, you can eat pizza.”

    At that point, the idea that I could eat pizza was as absurd to me as the thought of finding a tiny dinosaur living in my flowerbeds.

    But oh, how I wanted a slice.

    At thirty-two years old, I’d been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. It scared the hell out of me, and I was determined to take perfect care of myself so I could be the best mom possible for my two-year-old daughter.

    I had unleashed self-discipline previously foreign to me. My doctor and nutritionist praised me incessantly for my dedication.

    And at first, my blood sugar improved.

    But a year and a half after being diagnosed, I was still doing all the right things—eating healthy, counting carbs, exercising like a maniac—and the right things weren’t working. My blood sugar levels (which I monitored religiously) were still too high and getting higher.

    I was drowning in anxiety and I felt like a failure. I would end up blind and on dialysis with no feeling in my feet. My mind ran through catastrophic scenarios by the hour.

    That magazine for diabetics, with its siren’s call of pizza on the cover, saved my life because it also happened to feature an article about latent autoimmune diabetes in adults (LADA).

    It told the story of a woman in her thirties who was thin and diagnosed with type 2. (Type 2 typically strikes older adults who carry extra weight and have a sedentary lifestyle.)

    Gee, I thought, this sounds familiar.

    After months of trying to manage her condition, she ended up in a specialist’s office. The endocrinologist took one look at her—young, thin, with a family history of autoimmune diseases—and diagnosed her with LADA. A blood test found antibodies that confirmed the diagnosis.

    LADA is essentially type 1 diabetes, with an onset in adulthood instead of the more typical childhood onset. The immune system attacks the cells in the pancreas that produce insulin.

    Game over, there’s nothing you can do to reverse it. You’re insulin dependent for life. (Though people with LADA can make at least a little insulin for months or years, which is why diet and exercise can seem to work for awhile.)

    Alarm bells began exploding in my head. If this is what’s going on with me, I thought, it explains everything.

    After a few days, I managed to convince myself I was a hypochondriac. Who was I to think I was special enough to have an obscure form of a rare disease?

    But my increasingly high blood sugar levels still needed to be addressed and that little voice in my head kept nagging me about the possibility of a more serious condition.

    I called my doctor. I told him I wanted a referral to an endocrinologist because I was worried about having LADA. He said he would write the referral for me, but that it was extremely unlikely and I shouldn’t worry.

    I sat and talked with the endocrinologist for about three minutes before I blurted out, “I’m a little worried about LADA.”

    “I think that’s exactly what’s going on,” she said. A blood test confirmed it.

    That evening I injected insulin into my belly and woke the next day to the best blood sugar reading I’d had since I started testing.

    These days I wear an insulin pump, which allows for precise insulin dosing and gets rid of the need for taking multiple shots a day. It’s my favorite piece of technology ever.

    And, I have to tell you, my life is so much better now than it was before I was diagnosed with any kind of diabetes.

    So many gifts come to us through adversity. I challenge you right now to identify your biggest problem and then think through all the good things in your life and see if you can draw a direct line between them.

    I wager that you’ll find relationships strengthened, personal empowerment, and a clearer sense of yourself, all thanks to the scariest thing you’ve even been through.

    And if you don’t find it yet, just hang on, you still can.

    For me, being misdiagnosed with type 2 forced me to learn about diet and exercise. I started caring for my body and tapped into my self-discipline. Yes, there can be blessings hidden in a medical mistake! 

    I learned the power of my intuition, which helped me get the diagnosis and medical care I needed before I ended up with a life threatening case of high blood sugar known as diabetic ketoacidosis.

    Diabetes is also the perfect way to practice vigilance without its all too common companion, anxiety. The constant demands of managing the disease can lead one to a near constant state of panic unless you learn skills to overcome it.

    Not many people realize this, but apart from trying to avoid long term complications, people with type 1 diabetes must constantly work to avoid acute conditions that can cause death—too much insulin can cause a low blood sugar that can kill you and too little insulin causes high blood sugar, which can also kill you.

    Which leads me to the biggest gift of all: an appreciation of my own mortality.

    It’s up to me to infuse every day with meaning—to truly feel the joy of laying in a hammock reading a story with my daughter or exchanging salacious texts with my husband.

    Yes, we all know that in theory, we could get hit by a truck tomorrow. But now I really know.

    And I use that knowledge to make decisions about where to spend my energy. For example, I always wanted to be a writer but I never did one damn serious thing about it until diabetes lit a fire under me. Now my writing is my second career.

    Having type 1 diabetes isn’t easy; in fact, it can be hard as hell. If researchers have a miracle breakthrough tomorrow, I’ll camp out overnight to be first in line for the cure.

    But I cling to the revelation that there are many gifts to be found in facing our biggest challenges and we’d be fools not to accept them because we hate the wrapping paper.

    Photo by Cornelia Kopp

  • When You Fear Things Might Not Work Out: 3 Helpful Tips

    When You Fear Things Might Not Work Out: 3 Helpful Tips

    Hands in the Air

    “Your belief determines your action and your action determines your results, but first you have to believe.” ~Mark Victor Hansen

    This summer, after three years of dreaming, my daughter and I moved from the city I’ve lived in all my life to my dream city six hours north.

    The season of summer is known as a time when plants fruit, grow, and bloom. In order to harvest new crops we have to have a clear field and clean soil to plant in, right?

    Before we can grow new things, we need to look hard at what isn’t working for us, what isn’t serving us, what needs to go to make space for new, better, more deeply satisfying things to come. That could include work, relationships, ways of spending time, and beliefs.

    Then we need to clean and fertilize our own fields and soil so we can intentionally plant what we want to grow.

    This move was preceded by such huge old beliefs, fears, and heartache that I had to face and work through for us to be able to make this move.

    I felt terrified that I wasn’t seeing things clearly and might not make a decision that would work out well.

    Do any of the below feel familiar to you?

    • Where you are isn’t working, but you’re not sure how to change it.
    • You’re drained and exhausted by a part of your life—a relationship, your work, not enough self-care, no down time.
    • You know the change you want to make, but you’re afraid you can’t do it, you’ll be alone if you do it, or you’ll have no money if you do it.
    • You know a change has to be made, but the path isn’t clear. Maybe you’re not even sure what needs to change; you just know something needs to.
    • You’ve decided to make a big change, but the fear and doubt are making you feel stuck and miserable.

    Having grown up in NYC, I have a natural fear of apartment hunting. In NYC you practically have to commit a crime to find a good, affordable, safe place anywhere near where you want to be. For this reason, I had a deep fear around searching in Portland for our perfect home, even though I knew it wouldn’t be as difficult as looking in New York.

    So I did what I always do when I want to call something into my life: I made a want ad.

    I thought about what I wanted in a home and how I wanted it to feel for us. My ad looked something like this:

    A safe, cozy home for my family, in an aesthetically beautiful part of town, that feels amply affordable, has two to three bedrooms, allows dogs, and has space for us to grow, where we can walk to most things we need, with parking for my car.

    Then I started apartment hunting while in Portland for a week.

    Two to three bedroom apartments in the neighborhoods I wanted were more than I could afford, and most wouldn’t allow any “pit bull type” dogs, like we have.

    After running into this over and over again, I got worried. I had given July 1st as the date we’d be out of our current place. It was June 1st and we were about to go back to NYC, leaving me unable to keep seeing new apartments.

    It would have been easy to get sucked into a place of fear and self-doubt—worrying that we couldn’t find the right place, that I couldn’t afford any of the apartments I was seeing, that my dogs wouldn’t be welcomed, that we’d be homeless in four weeks.

    However, instead of staying in the fear place, I decided to use this situation as a wonderful opportunity to practice having faith.

    I did this by using EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) videos from YouTube, visualizing myself finding the apartment, and believing the apartment was out there.

    Then a friend connected me with her friend who lives in Portland.

    Portland-friend knew someone who was showing an apartment rental for her father-in-law. It was the neighborhood I wanted and the price I wanted but only a one bedroom, which was too small for us.

    But I talked to Renter-Lady and liked her, and she said there was a weird little room on the second floor that had a low ceiling but could possibly be a kid’s room, so I decided to go see it just for fun.

    The house was exactly what I wanted.

    I filled out the paperwork and gave impeccable references. Her concern was that her father-in-law didn’t want dogs there. I assured her that our current landlord would vouch for my pups, and I’d be happy to give them a security pet deposit.

    I filled out the application and walked away. I waited on pins and needles for five days and heard nothing.

    Five days after I’d last heard from her, I texted her to tell her how much I loved the place and asked if I could give her any further info. She texted back that night and said she was so sorry, but it wasn’t just wasn’t going to work.

    Her father-in-law worried that as a single mama with my own business I wasn’t making enough to cover the rent and utilities.

    I sat up in bed and texted her back furiously. I told her that their place was $600 less a month than any other place I had looked at—that it was $50 more than half of our rent in NYC.

    I texted, “How can I show your father-in-law that I’m more than capable of affording this place? Would you like to see three months records of my income?”

    She wrote back that that might help, so I jumped out of bed, ran to the computer, and emailed her my last three months of income.

    The next morning she wrote back: “The house is yours! I’ll email a lease tomorrow! Thanks for jumping through all those hoops!”

    Little-cottage-whose-windows-I’ll-decorate-with-window-boxes-dripping-with-flowers, here we come. 

    What made the difference between the fear place where everything seemed scary and difficult and an uphill battle, and the flowing place where it all worked out?

    1. Clear vision.

    I had a clear vision of what I wanted, what it would look like, and how it would feel to have it.

    2. Belief in my value and worth.

    I fought to convince the owners of house that yes, I do have enough income to pay the rent. My attitude was, “How can I show you how successful I am at what I do?”

    3. Energy management.

    I didn’t stay in a place of fear and doubt, but instead practiced faith, using tools like EFT, prayer, and visualization to focus my energy on what could be, rather than what might not work out.

    You could easily say, “Well, what if I do all these things and don’t get the house, or don’t get the job, or that person doesn’t want to be with me?”

    Energy management is a long-term, sustainable, inner piece of growth. It doesn’t mean that it’s a magic wand that gives you what you want. It’s a growth tool that helps create inner peace and grounding, no matter the outcome.

    So even if I hadn’t gotten this specific house, energy management would have helped me stay positive, which would have kept me focused and proactive, increasing my odds of finding a home.

    Can you think of a situation in your life where you can apply some or all of these tools? What small step can you take today to create something new in your life?

    Photo here

  • 7 Ways to Cope With the Grief of Heartbreak

    7 Ways to Cope With the Grief of Heartbreak

    “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” ~C.S. Lewis

    Shock. That was the first feeling. Shock and disbelief.

    This isn’t really happening. Denial.

    Look into her eyes. Slow realization. I’m not dreaming. Fear.

    Wave upon wave of torrential sadness. Messy.

    We’d been in a long-distance relationship, and as far as I was aware, everything was inutterably perfect. I was as happy as I’d ever been; I was in love.

    For months, I’d been planning to travel across the country to see her. We talked about it endlessly, fantasized about its possibilities, gazed longingly upon the shimmering sapphire-memories we were sure to make.

    It was as if we were already nostalgic for what we imagined would occur, for what we were certain would be one of the best times of our lives.

    I waited and waited, and finally, the day came. Brimming with excitement and anticipation, I boarded a plane and flew over 1,200 miles.

    Everything seemed to go wonderfully until the third day of my visit. I remember it clearly, how she looked at me with those caring eyes—irises the color of melted caramel—and told me something wasn’t right. She couldn’t explain it, but she didn’t feel the same way anymore.

    Blindsided. I could hardly fathom the truth—that our gleaming vision had been fool’s gold, our immaculate castle a house of cards.

    Perhaps I overlooked something obvious, some subtle-yet-pronounced signal. I don’t know. To this day, I’m still not entirely sure why she ended it.

    What I do know, though, is how it felt. I had invested so much of myself into ideas of a future with her that it was like a piece of my identity had been amputated. The sunlit future I’d treasured had been blacked out before my eyes in a proverbial nuclear holocaust.

    I felt purposeless, stamped out, alone.

    Thinking back now, it strikes me that all people probably experience heartbreak in relatively the same way. Maybe some feel more anger, while others feel more depression, but in general, a sudden loss is like a tsunami of confusion, regret, and sorrow.

    It’s something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, but if you live long enough, it’s unavoidable. Chalk it up to this peculiar circus we call the human experience—sometimes gravy, sometimes gauntlet.

    I firmly believe that pain is necessary for growth, but that knowledge doesn’t always make it any less crummy when you’re neck-deep in swamp muck. You mostly just press on, search for hope, and let Father Time do as that old adage says: heal the wounds.

    And amazingly, after a while, things do improve. Eventually, you’ll be surprised to notice that you went all day without thinking about it, that you’re enjoying yourself again, that you’re no longer wallowing, that you let go. 

    But in the early stages of the healing process, day-to-day life feels about like staggering seven miles through three feet of elephant ordure.

    If you’re in that place right now, I’m writing this post for you. You’re stronger than you know. Keep going. Things will be better.

    7 Ways to Cope With the Grief of Heartbreak

    In my experience, there isn’t any magical antidote for that immediate, pressing sensation of grief, but these simple steps will make it all a bit easier to swallow.

    1. Know you’re not alone.

    When my girlfriend dumped me, I turned to the Internet to read about breakups. What I found were countless stories of people who had suffered precisely what I had. Reading those stories was therapeutic because I no longer felt so helpless or worthless.

    I felt connected to the billions of other people who’d felt equally awful. I gained respect for my ancestors and my contemporaries, for the strength of the human race. I started to have faith that I too could find the resilience to survive and reconstruct my world.

    2. Take it one day at a time.

    Or, heck, one breath at a time. One moment at a time. When I was down and defeated, I couldn’t imagine how in the world I was going to survive, let alone do all the work that I knew was coming.

    Thinking about the future was entirely overwhelming. I couldn’t do it. Instead, I just concentrated on single days.

    The present was painful, but I stayed there. I stayed with the pain as it ebbed and flowed through the days. And the days crept by, each one a small victory.

    3. Reach out.

    Internet stories can be wonderful, but it’s your loved ones who will be a godsend in times of grief. Don’t hesitate to contact your friends and family immediately when something tragic has occurred. This is why we’re here—for supporting one another, or as Ram Dass says, “walking each other home.”

    I remember calling my mom, dad, and several of my friends shortly after my breakup. They couldn’t make the pain go away, but they listened and said what they could.

    I knew I was cared for. I knew they were concerned. Feeling that love reminded me that I wasn’t worthless. I was still the same me.

    4. Create.

    After she told me the bad news, I felt an eruption of emotion that was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. There was just so much of it. I needed to let it out somehow, so I wrote.

    Writing was a rock, something that had been there before and was still there, something I could turn to. I wrote poetry and letters and stories. Translating the experience into art was a type of catharsis.

    It was a way to channel the energies, to release them, to cleanse myself. Whether it’s painting, singing, dancing, drawing, or sculpting, perhaps you will find solace in an art form as well.

    5. Find comfort in music.

    After the split, I remember sitting in an airport, listening to “Hailie’s Song” by Eminem, crying quietly to myself as oblivious people walked by. Sure, that’s a sad image, but it also felt good to let it out. It was part of my healing process.

    Music was another constant, something that wouldn’t let me down. I think I probably listened to every sad song I’d ever heard. It wasn’t a way to feel sorry for myself (okay, maybe a little) as much as another means of knowing I wasn’t alone.

    It was a way of feeling more poignantly the pain in the songs and lyrics of others, a way of empathizing with them and knowing they understood how I felt too.

    6. Maintain your normal routine.

    This was perhaps the hardest thing to do after what happened—return to my routine. Honestly, I felt like locking myself in a dark room with ten pounds of ice cream and sucking my thumb for the next few months. It didn’t seem possible to return to my day-to-day life.

    But I did, and after a while, I realized that it was my routine that was renewing my sense of purpose. Actually doingthings took my mind off of the hole in my chest and reminded me of my value.

    7. Believe.

    It takes a certain measure of faith to fall into a black hole of pain, grope around aimlessly for a while, and eventually emerge. My situation felt devoid of anything positive. It seemed like there was nothing to hang my hat on.

    But somewhere, deep within me, I managed to find the courage to believe that things would be better again. I believed that life would not forsake me.

    I believed I could weather the storm, and after a few months, the horizon didn’t look so bleak anymore. I began to leave the past where it was meant to be—behind me—and to find satisfaction in the present.

    Reflecting on Now and Then

    I think about her some days. I read the letters she wrote to me; sometimes a song reminds me of her, and sometimes, for no good reason at all, that face I knew so well inexplicably materializes in my mind’s eye.

    I still feel the slightest pangs of sadness, a sort of vague wistfulness for a future that never was with a person who was so dear to me. I imagine her out there somewhere, living out her sunrise-to-sunsets, and I wonder if she remembers me too.

    But then I smile, because I’m okay. I experienced the bliss of unconditional love, and it brings me joy to remember it. I’d never take it back, not for anything.

    I’m at peace now, with her and with what happened, with myself and with this moment.

    I hope she is too. I hope she’s happy and without fear, smiling that beautiful smile.

  • Buddha Doodles: Barriers to Love

    Buddha Doodles: Barriers to Love

    Buddha_Doodles_Barriers_MollyHahn

    Source: Buddha Doodles

  • 15 Reasons to Start Following Your Dream Today

    15 Reasons to Start Following Your Dream Today

    “One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” ~Unknown

    Do you have a dream? A wish? A desire?

    Do you ever wake up and wonder: What would it be like to love life?

    People can tell you “follow your dream,” but is anyone really doing it?

    Not someone in a TV show or movie—a real, living, breathing human, just like you?

    Is it possible?

    The Depression

    Three years ago I couldn’t sleep. Night after night, I’d lie awake at 2am. My heart would pound in my chest.

    The anxiety overtook me. I welcomed it. If I fell back asleep, the next time I woke I would head back to that place. The place I despised.

    Fifty hours a week to a job that was slowly, inch by inch, sucking the life out of me.

    I was twenty-six years old, but I didn’t feel twenty-six. I felt old, tired, and overwhelmed.

    As I write this post, I remember that night. Staring in the mirror. I could barely look at myself. The breathing in my chest pushing in and out rapidly. Tears rushing down my face. I was a grown man, or at least I was supposed to be.

    Allowing Fear to Stop You

    I was so scared. I’d put all my work experience, degrees, and life into my career. Yet, I hated it.

    I had gone all in—and I was losing.

    I couldn’t argue with the tears flowing down my cheeks. Something needed to change.

    Follow The Dream

    I know what it’s like to feel depressed, lost, and burned out. But I also know what it’s like to follow a dream.

    I’m now thirty years old, and my life is a lot different than it was four years ago.

    Soon after that experience, I made a commitment to discover and follow my dream.

    What’s my dream? I want to become a ninja.

    Not a ninja in the traditional sense. It’s a childhood dream.

    Over the course of four years I quit my job in America, moved to Japan, and now I train extensively in martial arts.

    I arrive at the dojo at 7:30am Monday through Friday. Over the next year of my life I will train over 1,000 hours in Aikido (a martial art).

    I’m living, breathing proof that it’s possible to follow a dream.

    I’m thrilled to wake up each morning. I love my life in a manner I never knew possible. But this post isn’t about me—it’s about all of us. More importantly, it’s about all of our dreams.

    I hope with all my heart, today is the day that you begin the journey to turn your dream into a reality.

    15 Reasons to Start Following Your Dream Today

    1. You’ve always wanted to do this.

    When I think about the question: If you had a million dollars what would you do with your life? I can now say, “Exactly what I’m doing.”

    You’ve always wanted to follow your dream—so start today!

    2. You’ll experience things you never could have imagined.

    I’ve taken Japanese tea lessons with a fifty-year-old woman. I’m learning a new language. I eat foods that I never knew existed.

    The pursuit of a dream will give you experiences you never thought possible.

    3. You will become courageous.

    At some point your dream will mean so much to you that you will stop at nothing. When the dream overtakes you, no matter what your fears are, you will not allow it to stop you.

    You will stare your fears in the face. You will become a courageous person.

    4. You will become an inspiration to those around you.

    By doing what I want to do instead of what others want from me, I have been able to inspire others to follow their dreams.

    Focus on your dreams, not what others want you to do, and you will do the same.

    5. You will realize the incredible things you are capable of doing.

    When you step forward to pursue your dream, you will face challenges you never could have anticipated. You will allow nothing to stop you. You will shock yourself at your ability to plow through any situation.

    6. You will like yourself more.

    You will feel excited and energized by the life you are choosing to live. You will feel proud of what you are doing. And you will like yourself more for it.

    7. Life will become beautiful.

    As you realize your own potential, you will realize the potential in others. You will start to recognize the beauty that life, you, and others have to offer.

    8. Your joy and happiness will become contagious.

    When people are around you, they will feel better about themselves and life because you are living proof it is possible to live a dream!

    9. You will connect on a deeper level with the force of the universe.

    The pursuit of a dream requires an act of faith. You step forward and take action. When you do this, you will face experiences that will bring you closer to the force of the universe.

    10. You will smile more.

    Life is better when you smile more. If you follow your dream, you will enjoy yourself and this will happen!

    11. It will give meaning to everything you do.

    Before I started following my dream I would often wonder, “What’s the point?”

    Now, I know the answer to that question: Every action I take brings me closer to my dream.

    12. The food will taste better.

    Yup, you read that right! When you step forward with your dream, you will feel more alive and you will better appreciate all the beauty life has to offer. So, yes! Even the food tastes better.

    13. Every day you will learn new things.

    Every day I learn more Japanese, more martial arts, and more about myself. I’m challenged and excited. The deeper I get in my dream, the more I learn.

    14. Your happiness will show on your face.

    It’s true! When you are optimistic, excited, and happy, guess what? You are drastically more attractive.

    At twenty-six I looked stressed out and overwhelmed. At thirty I look happy and excited because I am happy and excited.

    15. You will love being around you.

    When we pursue a dream, we are connecting with our heart’s desires. It’s a way of telling our soul “I love you.”

    It’s pretty great to hang out with people you love—especially when it’s yourself!

    What has stopped you from following your dream?

  • Why Accepting Your Imperfections Is a Gift to the World

    Why Accepting Your Imperfections Is a Gift to the World

    Holding the Earth

    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

    Being yourself seems like it would be an easy thing, right? Just be! But when you’re someone who has lived their life seeking the approval of others constantly, it’s not such an easy thing.

    You have to attempt to move past years of trying to appear this way, wondering if people will judge you if do that, or doing your best not to cause waves and avoid conflict.

    When you don’t fully understand who your “self” is, it’s pretty much impossible to actually be that person. 

    I didn’t realize just how deep my desire to please others went until very recently, after a couple of very deep soul searching years.

    I saw how automatic it had become for me to try to be what everyone else wanted me to be. Even when I “liked” a page on Facebook, I thought twice about it and wondered if people would judge me for it.

    I wanted to appear a certain way to people. I wanted to appear like I had it all together, that I was “perfect.” Most importantly, though, I didn’t want to appear disabled.

    If I liked all of the “right” things, if I was cool, if I was funny, if I was pretty, and wore the most stylish clothes or had my makeup done just right, then maybe people would notice all of that instead of my muscular dystrophy and the limp that came with it.

    Maybe they wouldn’t notice the difficulty I had going up stairs. If I fell, maybe they wouldn’t judge me because they would see I was awesome in so many other ways.

    Trying to be everything to everyone is one of the most exhausting things. It feels like that toy that a lot of us used to play with when you try to fit the shaped blocks into the correct corresponding hole.

    I was the triangle constantly trying to fit in the square hole. 

    I honestly don’t know how I even functioned sometimes in my twenty-plus years on earth with the weight of that on my shoulders. Worrying so much about what people thought or hoping they liked me and having no real sense of my own self.

    From friends to coworkers, to dates or boyfriends, I was always trying to please everyone else but never thought to try please myself first or embrace who I really was.

    It never even occurred to me that it was okay if some people didn’t like me, or if I didn’t have all the right clothes or that I wasn’t physically able to do all the same things that my peers could.

    I didn’t realize that it didn’t make me any less worthy or valuable of a person if someone didn’t like me or if I wasn’t “perfect.”

    That if a guy wasn’t interested or someone didn’t want to be my friend, that it didn’t mean I was ugly or worthless or needed to fix something about myself.

    I didn’t realize that trying to fit myself into everyone else’s perceptions and society’s perception of “normal” was denying everyone and the world of all my gifts and who I really was. That my disability made me special and gave me a platform to try and help others all over the world with disabilities too.

    That it gave me such a deep capacity for love and empathy that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

    I couldn’t see that people don’t love each other because they’re perfect. They love each other for everything, including the flaws. 

    In fact, I think we love each other in large part because of our flaws. Because we are all human. Because we make mistakes. 

    Our imperfections and our differences are what set us apart and make us unique. When have you ever heard someone say, “I really like that Jackie. She’s just so perfect!”?

    Not caring what other people think and just being is something we all struggle with in one way or another.

    Something I’ve found to be very helpful for connecting with myself and just being is a kind of a brief meditation. Whether I’m driving, at work, on vacation, or just sitting at home, I try to take a few moments each day where I just sit, stop what I’m doing, take a deep breath in, and silence my mind.

    I focus on the blood flowing through my veins or the way my breath feels when I exhale. I just let myself sit there in silence for a few minutes and just enjoy being in my skin, my body, and my spirit. As small as it may seem, it really helps to calm me and get me refocused on myself.

    Learning to embrace yourself and shut out the need to people please or be what everyone else might want us to be is hard and it’s not something that can be an overnight change.

    But learning to accept all of the parts of yourself, including the ones you may not like, is not only the greatest gift you can give to yourself, it’s the greatest gift you can give to the world around you too.

    When you stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks of you and start becoming you, it’s then that you can truly offer the world the most.

    You offer it you in all of your wonderful and unique glory!

    Photo by Jason Rogers

  • When Following Your Passion Makes You Miserable

    When Following Your Passion Makes You Miserable

    “The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now.” ~Robert G. Ingersoll

    It seems that in recent years people have really started waking up to the fact that they can do what they love, which is great. But what’s not so great is when it makes you miserable.

    Finding your passion can become another goal to be achieved in the future.

    Suddenly you find yourself believing that if you could just find that perfect passion, your life would be perfect and then you’d finally be happy. But life doesn’t work that way.

    You already have passion, joy, and purpose in your life. Following your passion is about starting where you are and realizing that all you have to do is follow the passion already present.

    Let’s Start with the Problem

    The core problem is waiting for something to happen. It’s believing that you can’t be passionate and happy right now.

    You didn’t come into this world understanding the concept of passion. When you were a child, you enjoyed life as it was, without concepts and without shoulds.

    In my own life, I noticed the tendency to think that if I could only get something or achieve my definition of success, I’d be happy.

    For example, I used to think that money would make me happy. Then I earned more and nothing changed. I was still me.

    After that, I thought that a relationship would make a difference, but I was still me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my partner, but it’s not up to her to make me happy.

    I changed because I got sick of chasing happiness in the future and saw how this created suffering.

    I was lucky to realize this at an early age. Right out of high school, I became a professional poker player because it allowed me to travel the world and make more money than I needed.

    When I first started playing I enjoyed it, but as the years passed I did it solely for the money, and it prevented me from doing what I truly loved.

    I now know that what I’m truly looking for is what’s already inside of me. I still get caught up in my old patterns of waiting, and when I do, I become miserable and powerless. I start losing hope. I start questioning whether I’m on the right path. And I wonder why life has to be so hard.

    But then I bring myself back. I take a deep breath, and I settle into the present moment. I realize that while following my heart is tough at times, it is the only way forward.

    The Art of Being Happy

    As I bring myself back to the present, I notice what brings true happiness into my life. And that is to simply follow the nudges of my heart.

    I might notice that I need a rest, so I’ll listen to what I feel interested in. I might read a book, watch a movie, or play with my son, Vincent.

    What makes your heart sing will be different from me. What matters is that you listen to and follow your interests, passions, and fascinations.

    Living a passionate life doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re in love with your life 100% of the time. It doesn’t mean that you never come up against challenges.

    In fact, the opposite is often true. You face more challenges because you need to let go of a lot of limiting beliefs, fears, and doubts. You will often know where your heart is pulling you, but you may not believe it’s possible. If you can let this baggage go, you’ll be well on your way.

    Following your passion means listening to those inner nudges. Because what living a passionate life comes down to is being happy in this moment. And to increase the happiness in your life, you have to do what makes your heart sing.

    Sometimes these nudges will be a subtle whisper, an inspirational feeling, or simply a thought that pops up out of nowhere while you’re washing the dishes.

    If finding your passion is making you miserable, the solution is to stop waiting. Stop believing in the lie you tell yourself that if only you could have this or that, everything would be fine.

    Stop waiting and take an inspired step. Center your attention in your heart and notice where you feel pulled. Let go of what may come out of it and just enjoy the ride.

    Use What You Have, Where You Are

    Put down the heavy baggage of what you think passion should look like and accept the way life is right now.

    Notice what you’re interested in, and above all, notice where your heart is pulling you.

    It’s not by listening to other people that you’ll uncover the life you want, but by listening to your heart.

    You are the expert on what you need. You have to be willing to take responsibility and stop thinking that some event in the future will make things better.

    A simple way to connect with your heart is to sit down, take a few deep breaths, and focus your attention on your feelings. There may be pain, but sit with it. Feel it fully. As you do this more and more, your connection with your heart will deepen, and you’ll activate your inner GPS.

    A Question You Can Ask

    Another way to connect with your inner wisdom is through writing. Ask yourself questions that help you uncover the gold inside you and then write until you run out of words.

    You don’t have to be a writer to do this. And you don’t need any particular tools. All you have to do is write down what goes on in your mind. Even if you don’t come up with anything coherent, you’ll get more clarity and feel better.

    To get you started, here’s a question you can ask: “In the future, when you’re already living a passionate life, what advice would you give to the present you?”

    I know we touched on focusing on the now, but asking a question like this is helpful because it helps you bring resources from the future into the present moment.

    Always remember to live life from this moment. Do your best with what you have, and forget the rest.

    “What If I Feel Lost?”

    Life is always in transition. If you try to figure life out, you’ll feel lost and overwhelmed. If you try to control life you’ll feel powerless, because it’s not up to you to control life.

    It’s not being lost that is causing you grief but thinking that you shouldn’t be. If you drop the thought that you’re lost, you’re just living life right now, which is all you need to do. It’s all you can do.

    When you let go of any need to get anywhere, or be someone, you immediately relax. The problem isn’t about feeling lost or stuck. Those are concepts you’ve learned.

    When you center yourself in your heart and follow your inner joy, you’ll get to where you need to be.

    The Bottom Line

    Following your passion has the power to change your life, but it can also make you miserable if you make it into another thing you have to achieve before you can be happy.

    You have to be willing to walk your own path. You have to be willing to listen to your heart and follow what feels true for you.

    The reason there is so much conflicting advice out there is because different people need different paths. If you try to listen to everyone, you’ll end up confused.

    That’s why it’s important to tap into your inner wisdom via meditation or writing. Center yourself in your heart and notice where it’s pulling you, then take the first step.

    Let life take care of itself. Relax and enjoy the ride, because that’s all you can do. Set the intention to be happy first, and your passion will come to you. And if it doesn’t, so what? You keep on going.

  • Good Thoughts

    Good Thoughts

    Good Thoughts

    Source: Chibird

  • Why Letting Yourself Feel Broken is the Key to Feeling Whole

    Why Letting Yourself Feel Broken is the Key to Feeling Whole

    “Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant.” ~Paul Coelho

    I spent my twenty-fifth birthday crying alone at the foot of a mountain. While I had always found solace in spending time by myself, in that moment, I did not recognize my “self.”  Without my self, I had nothing.

    I was utterly alone.

    Three weeks earlier, a man was shot just feet away from my front door. My then-boyfriend and I performed CPR until an ambulance arrived, but the man had been killed on impact. The police left my home at 3 a.m.; at 7 a.m., I was headed to the airport for a family wedding.

    There is no mourning at a wedding.

    Forced to paste on a smile, I told myself and everyone around me that I was fine. Never mind the fact that I felt like all of the air had been sucked out of me. If you tell a lie enough times, you start to believe it yourself.

    For weeks, I assured myself that I was strong enough to bear the heavy burden of witnessing a violent crime. I always identified as a strong, independent woman. I couldn’t let go of that, I felt, or I might not ever get it back.

    But as the days passed, I started to realize that something was different. The girl who was known for her constant zest for life and naturally cheerful demeanor was replaced by a woman who was exhausted, short-tempered and—it took me weeks to realize—depressed.

    When the truth finally broke free, I was overwhelmed. Sitting there, at the base of my favorite Phoenix mountain, all I could think was, “I am not okay.”

    In that moment, I was not okay.

    But the truth has a funny way of setting you free. Faced with a sensation that was completely foreign and extremely uncomfortable to me—the idea that I was more vulnerable than I wanted to believe—I finally saw a glimmer of light.

    Only in honoring my emotions was I able to let them go.

    After crying myself weak, I climbed that mountain. As I reached the top, I inhaled deeply and felt my breath for the first time in weeks. The tears that flowed at the top were entirely different: they were tears of gratitude.

    The moment that I learned to allow myself to be “not okay” was a turning point in my adult life.

    To allow yourself to feel is to allow yourself to really live.

    Once I was able to look at my emotions honestly, I was able to look at my life honestly and to realize that I did, in fact, want to participate wholly in it. I appreciated life more deeply than ever before.

    Months later, when my dear friend lost her dear friend, I shared my secret: “It’s okay to be not okay.” Amidst all of the sympathetic wishes and “it will get betters,” that message resonated most deeply. Her grief was okay.

    Sometimes, people need permission to break. And it is from that broken place that they are finally able to become whole again.

    Time and time again, when faced with some of life’s hardest moments, I have shared my secret: “It’s okay to be not okay.”

    Accepting that simple truth has been exactly the remedy that allowed the people I love to move into a space where they are more than okay—they are thriving.

  • A Simple Technique to Solve Problems Before They Get Bigger

    A Simple Technique to Solve Problems Before They Get Bigger

    Thinking Man

    “As he thinks, so he is; as he continues to think, so he remains.” ~James Allen

    It was a beautiful day as we drove down the Desert Road two days after Christmas. The Desert Road is a stretch of highway in the North Island of New Zealand.

    On one side of the highway, three magnificent volcanoes provide the only break to the bleak, stark landscape. Otherwise, the ground is covered in dry grasses, rocks, and a straight highway to the horizon.

    During the drive, my husband and I were discussing the New Year and what would be the next adventure.

    As Edith Piaf began to sing “Je ne regret rein” on the mp3, our conversation swung to my mother’s death the past year and how she and I could never see eye to eye.

    My mother was a wonderful woman, but I was never the daughter she wanted and she was not the mother I wanted. As a child I wanted to be a nurse, but she convinced me that I was too smart to be just a nurse and needed to become a doctor.

    I did try hard and when I failed out of medicine, my mother was disappointed.

    She wanted me to marry someone well educated and from a good background. You can imagine her disappointment when I married someone raised in the Gorbals in Scotland who had failed to graduate an Honors BSC in Higher Mathematics.

    And she wanted me to take care of her, be at her beck and call, as we lived two doors away from her. Imagine her total frustration when we moved with our sons half way around the world to New Zealand.

    I pulled over as regret and guilt overwhelmed me. My eyes filled with tears and my head throbbed. I thought her death ended all the recriminations. I thought I was at peace with our differences, but at that moment there definitely was regret and grief.

    And as Peter held me, he reminded me of the way to solve problems and a way to move beyond the immediate pain of guilt and regret.

    Yes, guilt because I had failed to resolve the breach and the disappointment; guilt because I refused to choose my mother’s wishes over my personal desires and my immediate family. That guilt and remorse were thieves stealing my personal power.

    As we drove back onto the highway, we discussed how to use ICE to deal with the feelings of guilt and regret. ICE is an acronym for a technique to solve problems.

    First, you Identify your feeling, the problem, or the situation. 

    This stems from the belief that when you can name something, you then can deal with it. The naming needs to be precise and identify the “issue.” In this case, the “issue” was my feeling of regret and guilt.

    Next, you Control or corral the “issue.” 

    To control or corral an issue, first you have to take the emotion out of it.

    Start by taking several deep breaths to clear your mind. Then talk to someone, even yourself, about how the issue affects you, and if you want it to affect you in that way. Your choice: continued pain or more pleasure.

    Peter and I discussed how my guilt and regret were still holding me back from being what I could be. I needed to make a choice to move on and accept the fact that it was impossible to undo what was done.

    Then, you Execute or eliminate the “issue.”

    By identifying it and corralling it, you can choose how you will move forward. You can choose how you will deal with the “issue” in the present and the future. You can choose how you will act the next time the “issue” arises.

    When I accepted and acknowledged what had happened, I could even laugh at the fact that I no longer had to account to my mother for my present or my future. I could put my mother issues where they belonged, in the “what I learned” box, and move to live in today.

    Using ICE to keep success thieves away is like keeping thieves out of your home. You identify where they can break in. You control the points of entry by using locks or security to keep them out.

    You make it more difficult for the thieves and so eliminate or reduce the possibility that they will steal your treasures.

    As we drove on, we looked for other emotions and situations that steal my ability to function.

    And so my quest began—a quest to identify other reactions that steal my success or cause regret.

    The journey has been exciting and extremely challenging.

    The first step was getting clear that success was made up of hundreds of steps; identifying success and finding my own definitions, not my mother’s father’s or anyone else’s.

    My personal success is just that, personal. I remember when my mother would scold me for failing to meet her standards and expectations. I remember my father shaking his head about the decisions I made, decisions that he was certain would lead to my demise.

    I remember other key figures in my life expecting me to be one thing and their disappointment when I made a different choice than the one they wanted me to make.

    Once Identified, I needed to learn how to corral the emotions and other issues. As I controlled or corralled the “issues,” I removed their power to make me doubt my success. I compartmentalized the issues so that I could decide when to deal with them.

    Now I can eradicate those habits when I choose or decide not deal with the “issues,” but they no longer have any power to stop me from enjoying my success and magnificence.

    Yes, there are still times when my self-doubt and personal recriminations about what I do and how I do it make me curl into a fetal position and pull the covers over my head.

    On the Desert Road that morning, I realized that I could ICE any thief that threatens to steal my success.

    Life is too short for grief, guilt, and regret. Yes, the tears still come when I think of my mother, but I no longer fall apart and pull off life’s highway overcome with the regret.

    What problems or emotions can you overcome by ICE-ing them?

    Photo by Wesley Nitsckie

  • Are You in Love with the Idea of Being in Love?

    Are You in Love with the Idea of Being in Love?

    Love

    “When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl

    “But no. We can give it another chance; I know we can. We just have to try harder…” were my desperate words to him as he was breaking up with me for the second time.

    As I am reading those words out loud, I feel a little sting in my heart. It’s been a while since I revisited this experience and for some reason, it feels bittersweet.

    It’s been about nine months since he told me that he didn’t see a future for us, that he felt like he was pretending when he was with me, and that sometimes he just didn’t want to be around me.

    But I didn’t hear those words. I heard it, but I thought knew that I could change his mind if I just tried a little harder to convince him that he did want to be with me; he just didn’t know it yet.

    I felt beaten when he firmly said no. I was even more devastated after suggesting that we remain friends when he again said that he didn’t think it would be a good idea, since he didn’t think I could handle it.

    That’s when I knew it was over and I knew that there was no way in this lifetime that I could change his mind.

    A flood of thoughts and emotions ran across my mind and body:

    What could I have done that was so horrible that he couldn’t even stand the sight of me anymore? How could I have missed the warning signs during the last three months that we were together? If he wasn’t happy, why didn’t he just say so?

    There were countless questions that just would not stop.

    I finally realized he’d been telling me all along that he didn’t want to be with me. His actions spoke loud and clear, but I was so involved in trying to change the situation that I didn’t see the reality. And that reality was: He just did not want to be with me.

    Ouch.

    Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first relationship that I allowed myself to get lost in. So how in the world did this happen to me? Again?

    The idea of being in love happened. That’s what.

    I wanted that romance, that fairytale. I wanted to finally know what it was like to be in real. Grown up love and not kiddie, high school love. I wanted all of that.

    I was so tired of always being the bridesmaid and never the bride. I was starting to feel like maybe it just wasn’t in the cards for me.

    And that scared me.

    When I finally woke up from this, I started to ask myself, “Who the hell are you, and why did you allow yourself to go through that?”

    I used to think I was this strong, independent woman who knew exactly what she wanted in life and wouldn’t tolerate any BS from anyone.

    I was always so proud to list all hundred qualities that my future husband would definitely have, and I told every one that I was never, ever going to settle. I was all talk but never walked the walk.

    After much soul searching, I finally had the courage to put my foot down and say enough is enough. That was when the real challenge began.

    Who am I again? I don’t even know anymore…

    I had to find a quiet spot and re-evaluate me.

    I figured out that I’m one person with friends and family but the complete opposite when I’m in a relationship. I try a lot harder to please; I’m less outspoken, less confident, and less of myself. I was scared to let the real me out in fear that maybe they wouldn’t like me.

    I was too scared to say no to something that I knew I was against.

    I felt like I had to create this façade of someone that was fun, loving, and patient, and what I thought was “perfect” in someone else’s eyes. Not saying that I’m not fun or loving or patient; I just tried too hard to be seen that way.

    Far enough that I even agreed to hang out with his ex, who he was good friends with, if that’s what he wanted.

    Don’t get me wrong, many people are still friendly with their exes and their current significant other is fine with it, but I was never fine with their relationship.

    They had a history—friends before dating, four years as a couple, and three years living together. I knew about this from the beginning of our relationship and I was absolutely fine with it.

    In my mind, I thought they broke up on good terms and talked to each other occasionally. I didn’t know about the late night phone calls, meeting each other for dinner, going to the vet together when “their” dog had appointments, and the fact that she still had a key to “their” condo.

    He made an effort in the beginning and assured me that they were just friends and that I didn’t have anything to worry about, and of course I made myself be okay with it.

    I made myself okay with anything if it meant that it would make me the person he always wanted to be with.

    What I didn’t realize was that it was slowly killing my spirit.

    She always came up in conversation, not because I brought her up, but because he wanted to share his past. I put on a brave face and would listen and laugh at some of the stories, but it made me feel like I had to live up to what they had.

    And what I had just wasn’t good enough.

    I’ve come a long way from where I was nine months ago. I’m admitting that I have made huge relationship mistakes, but my biggest mistake wasn’t that I tried too hard or that I would’ve given anything for my relationship.

    My mistake was not being true to myself—not standing up for myself, not keeping true to my morals, and not loving myself enough to just say no when I wanted to.

    I’ve discovered that I am not flawless and that it’s okay to not be perfect. But most importantly, I’ve learned that it’s okay to love yourself first, and if you have to lower your standards to get the love that you think you want from someone else, then it’s not worth it.

    These challenges haven’t been easy but if it’s challenging me to define my true self then why not jump feet first and go all in? I have made a promise to myself that I will love myself first and not be in love with the idea of love.

    Sometimes letting go of someone or something is the best thing that you can do for your soul. Write the last chapter and tuck it away. It’s time to start a brand new book.

    Photo by Chrismatos

  • 10 Ways to Start Living and Loving Life Now

    10 Ways to Start Living and Loving Life Now

    Hands in the Air

    “I never want to arrive. I love the ride.” ~Coco J. Ginger

    This is what life should be, a wonderful journey of living and loving each moment.

    I was born in India to a loving, caring family. My mother and my grandparents gave me the world. They kept me hidden from the truths of life and, therefore, life was sweet, as I felt like the most loved child in the world. Now after 38 years of existing (not living) I reflect on where everything went wrong. Why have I felt so lost, broken, and regretful?

    I came from a successful business family. My father started his business at a young age and worked to make it a success.

    He involved his brothers so they’d have direction and goals in life. One day they went on a business trip to South of India from the North, and that was the last time my mother saw the love of her life.

    My father died of food poisoning at the age of 28. My father’s brothers threw my mother out of the property while she was pregnant with me, at the age of 25. One minute she had the world, and the next minute her world turned upside down.

    My mother was fortunate to have her parents to take care of her and support her during this traumatic time. Six months later, I arrived.

    My mother found a purpose to live, and her only focus in life was to give me the world. I always did well in school with studies and sports. My mother’s hard work, love, and dedication were paying off until the next phase in life.

    When I was 11 my mother and I moved to UK so I could further my education and be a success.

    The journey for both of us suddenly got tougher. My mother is highly educated, but due to lack of support and confidence the only jobs she was able to find were working in restaurants, cleaning dishes and cutting vegetables.

    It used to hurt me to see my mother work so hard, and I felt helpless that I could not do anything. I never saw my mother feel anger toward people and life, which I could never understand. She just got on with life, and her only focus was providing for and taking care of me.

    Schooling in the UK was tough because I didn’t have any friends and was seen as an outcast because I came from India. I was laughed at every time I opened my mouth because of my accent.

    I made a decision to keep quiet and stay hidden so the world would not see me. Anytime I had to face an issue, I ran to my mother and she took care of everything.

    I was growing up living a life of regret as I was indecisive, lacked confidence, and had no direction or goals. The only thing I wanted to do was to feel good from within and be happy.

    Even when it came to getting married I was not sure of the choice I was making. I married someone because her relatives sold me a story of how she was going to bring love into my family and take care of my mother when she’s old.

    My wife was exactly the opposite of the picture that was painted to me. She was abusive, aggressive, and made our lives hell. But I was never strong enough to make a decision to get out of this mess, as there was a child involved.

    Every time I thought about walking out of my marriage I felt guilty, thinking I may ruin my daughter’s life. My mother and I felt like prisoners in our own home, where we were shouted and dictated to for many years.

    After three and half years, one day my wife decided to walk out of our lives.

    Initially, it was a shock. But then I started seeing this as a blessing, as my mother seemed comfortable in the house, my daughter seemed happy, and I was able to sleep at nights without being verbally abused.

    This was the turning point in my life. I realized I needed to be tough. I needed to learn to make decisions by myself. I wanted to start living and loving life. 

    I realized as amazing as my mother is, I did not want to become a mirror image of her. I wanted to be strong and stand up for myself. Being passive and dismissive is not something I wanted to be.

    I now know what it means to live and love life. To me, it’s not traveling from one country to another and never facing reality. It’s about dealing with reality and holding the belief that no matter what happens, I can deal it.

    My living and loving life journey has just started. The lessons I’ve learned are:

    1. Let go of perfection.

    If each day you are running toward perfection, you are running toward failure. Instead, just try your best and feel good about it.

    2. Deal with it. 

    Don’t ignore it because it’s tough to deal with. Deal with the issue first, as the issues you find difficult are the most empowering when conquered.

    3. Realize that everything stems from your thinking. 

    Your thinking generates emotions. Emotions generate actions. Think positive and live positive.

    4. Do something fun each day. 

    Do something every day that will energize you, whether it’s dancing to music with no care in the world, running in the rain, or seeing friends and having a blast. Whatever it is, just do something that makes you feel alive.

    5. Don’t procrastinate.

    If you feel it, just go with it. The more you procrastinate, the more you are digging a hole of confusion.

    6. Make a list of things you want to achieve that will make you feel happy and alive.

    For me, the first thing was to share my story on Tiny Buddha. For years, I’ve read amazing stories from people who have inspired me, and I always wanted to share mine, but could not find anything positive to write. That has changed now, and here I am.

    7. Build a network of like-minded positive people.

    We are who we spend most of our time with. If we have a network of positive friends, that will help us to live with positivity.

    8. Just breathe.

    When things seem tough or confusing, take a few seconds out. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and remember the powerful you who can deal with anything.

    9. Repeatedly ask yourself, “What is the worst that could happen?”

    Put things in perspective when you’re paralyzing yourself with fear, and then you will realize you can handle whatever is coming.

    10. Be grateful.

    Stop thinking about what you don’t have. Instead, be grateful for what you have.

    This time will never come again, so live it and love it.

    Photo by Katelyn Fay

  • People in Your Life

    People in Your Life

    People In Your Life

    Source: Lupytha Hermin

  • Do What You Love

    Do What You Love

    Do What You Love

    Source: Jamie Fingal Designs

  • Why We Struggle to Find Ourselves and How to Do It

    Why We Struggle to Find Ourselves and How to Do It

    Searching

    “On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a playful, joyous energy behind what you do.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    For a long time I’ve had a bit of an obsession with coming home. Not my physical home, but Home with a capital H. Being with myself. Knowing who I was. Leaning back into me and having that “ah” feeling of being totally whole, and totally at peace.

    I felt like there was something missing, and that I needed to find that missing piece to complete the puzzle.

    I thought that if I found the right job, or met the right man, or had the right friends, or went on the right adventure that I would find it.

    I always imagined myself on a beach somewhere, with tanned skin, with my soul mate (who was obviously gorgeous), and felt that then I would be at peace. Then I would know myself.

    I went to satsangs (literally “true company,” when an enlightened person shares their truth/wisdom with people who want it). I tried to work out what these people had that I didn’t. What did they know that I didn’t know? And how could I know it too?

    I imagined that they had reached a place. They had meditated hard enough and had reached a place of enlightenment, of wholeness, of union.

    I felt the burning desire to be united with myself, and didn’t know how to do it.

    The idea of a pilgrimage appealed to me. I liked the idea of starting off not knowing who I was, and then walking my way toward me and finding myself at the end of the tunnel.

    In addition to satsangs, I met Indian gurus, and meditated, and worked on all my issues, and did healing courses.

    Helpful as they all were, they never quite brought me to myself. They came close, and sometimes I got a glimpse of this elusive self I was looking for. They helped me in many ways, but I still hadn’t found the missing piece to complete me.

    I presumed that it must be because I’m young. People walk the path for twenty, thirty, forty years, and they still haven’t found the self, so while I’m lucky in that I’m starting young, I still have a long way to go.

    And then, my understanding of what I was looking for started to change. This linear journey from not knowing to knowing started to fall away, in its place appeared a circular, non-journey.

    Suddenly this idea of following a path and finding myself at the end of it seemed ridiculous. Obviously you don’t find yourself at the end of a long journey.

    The only way you find yourself at the end of a journey is if at your final destination there’s a massive mirror that reflects back to you who you are.

    Out of nowhere the idea of me looking for myself seemed crazy. It’s like walking into a room full of people and not finding yourself amongst them. Obviously you won’t find yourself amongst the crowd, as you are the very thing that’s doing the looking!

    It’s like how the eye can see everything but itself. It’s looking for your glasses when they’re on your head. You can look in all the elaborate places you want, but you’ll never find them until you stop and look in a mirror.

    What I’m trying to say is that when the thing that is looking is the same as what is being looked for, you’re in for a very long, fruitless search.

    When you are what you’re looking for, the only way to find yourself is to turn inwards, and find that you were there all along.

    So long as we’re looking “out there,” we’re never going to find who we are. We might meet someone who holds up a mirror for us, and so long as we are with them and their mirror we can feel at one.

    But even then we usually presume that it is only around this person, teacher, or guru that we feel good, and we imagine that they have the key to unlock who we are. This Is why we can get so attached to our mirror holders, and believe that they have something we don’t.

    They journey to the self is much less of a linear path to be trodden, and much more of a turning back to ourselves.

    It’s a stopping, a slowing down, and the realization that we are already complete and whole.

    That’s not to say that all the satsangs, teachers, and gurus were a waste of time. They helped me let go of enough stuff; they helped me loosen my identification with ego so that I could turn in. Thanks to them there was less illusion, and less conditioning standing between me and myself.

    But it wasn’t until I stopped trying to get somewhere, be it the perfect future or the end of a spiritual path that I could see that I was what I was looking for. And, that I’m in here, not out there.

    It’s like (my favorite teacher) Adyashanti said at a satsang in London: if you have something really valuable that you don’t want anyone to find, where do you hide it? On the top of a mountain? In a Himalayan cave? At the end of a long journey, or on an exotic beach?

    No. You make the seeker out of it, and they’ll be so busy looking for it, that they will never realize that it’s hidden in plain sight, is literally right under their nose, and is in fact their very essence.

    So call off the search. You don’t need to be found. You’re already here.

    Photo by Peeratam Tangtua

  • Embracing Change and Living with Passion: Awaken your Phoenix Spirit

    Embracing Change and Living with Passion: Awaken your Phoenix Spirit

    Triple Phoenix

    “All the wonders you seek are within yourself.” ~Sir Thomas Browne

    As history claims, the phoenix began as a common bird that’s nest caught on fire by the hand of a god-like figure. As the fire started to consume the bird, instead of suffering, she decided to dance in the flames.

    Eventually, the fire reduced the bird to ashes. However, this was not the end of that wise bird, for she knew her ending was only the beginning—the beginning of something greater than what she ever thought possible, a resurrection.

    The seemingly done-for bird emerged, more powerful and more beautiful than ever. The phoenix represents a rebirth. A rebirth of the body, mind, and soul, that unleashes itself when the spirit is set free from its self-inflicted shackles.

    I can relate to this story. For a long time I wondered if this fire burning inside me would find its way out and lead me to fulfill my own potential.

    With much struggle and countless nights awake, thinking about who I was and what it was that I really wanted to do, I went to University and obtained a business degree. I did this not because I really liked business but because I took the safe route, thinking that this degree would be my best chance of getting a job with a good pay.

    Although I received great grades, I was uninspired and lost, and afterward went from job to job and bad relationship to bad relationship, trying to find my way in all the wrong places.

    After a devastating breakup I realized that I needed some serious self-work. I asked myself: Why was I continuously looking on the outside for acceptance and fulfillment?

    Feeling at my lowest point, I decided I would finally work on what was inside and take a completely different path in order to find myself. I began a yoga teacher training course with a real Indian guru—an 88-year-old man who looked 60 and healthier than I was—who completely changed my outlook and my life.

    Skeptical at first by his humble, simplistic studio and easy yoga positions, I pushed on and stayed dedicated. Through practice, I could finally see through all my negative thoughts and constant worries about the past and the future, and just be—be in the present moment.

    I was freed of my own mind, and emerged as a more confident, self-loving, and less worrisome person. I was closer than ever to finding the real me, my own inner phoenix, my spirit.

    I redirected my thoughts, let go of people and career paths that did not serve my spirit, and embraced these choices as opportunities for growth. I saw it all as a new beginning to put me back on my true path.

    Now, instead of seeking answers and acceptance from the outside, I am true to myself and let my own inner voice guide me throughout my life.

    I learned that the fulfillment I desperately sought began with passion, regardless of what the passion is.

    I realized that my passions always lay in helping others and in the arts, especially music. I decided to join a choir, and to get involved in the community by volunteering at my local YMCA.

    I also found a job in a creative arts company and started teaching yoga, along with doing some interior design on the side.

    I am now in various shows with the choir around my city, am in more shape because of yoga and my free gym membership at the Y, and have a healthier and happier work-life balance.

    You can do something with what you enjoy doing, and it will eventually lead you to a place you never dreamed of. We all owe it to ourselves to put to use our gifts, because that’s why we have them!

    Let me tell you a secret about the phoenix: she’s in all of us.

    She’s there, just waiting to be unleashed. That fiery feeling inside of us, wanting to change our lives, feeling as though something is missing, this is the pre-condition of a radical change that is naturally starting to occur in your life.

    It is the passion within you waiting to be expressed, and ultimately the ending of the old you. Of course, one of the scariest things in life is change, but to embrace change is to embrace life.

    To be true to the feeling inside you, urging you to take another road if you are going down the wrong one is to be true to yourself.

    How do you act upon this inner change burning inside you? The answer is simpler than you think. Start by more frequently pursuing things that make you happy.

    As you move forward, you might start hearing those negative voices inside your head. That is normal and can be helped! Take a yoga class, or simply spend some quiet time alone listening to some soothing music to help clear your mind, and pray.

    Pay no mind to others’ opinions, or what others believe to be the right path for you. You can always start small. Sometimes just being a part of what you love can be enough.

    I have always wanted to be a singer, and just being able to sing for people within a group fulfills my need.

    I always have a need to make a difference in the world, and in my way I am doing so by volunteering for only three hours a week for a cause that I believe in, which to me is payment to my soul.

    Eventually doing these things that I loved uplifted me and set me back on my path.

    No one can know what truly makes you happy and alive except you. Eventually, your happiness will be enough to make anyone who doubted your choices come around—and your joy will be contagious to them, as well.

    Whether it be cooking, decorating, being with animals, or playing music, find a way to awaken that spark within you, and that glow will continue to grow.

    Through that growth you will start to awaken the phoenix within you, inspire others to do the same, and become stronger and more self-fulfilled than ever.

    Photo by Cameron Russell

  • A Simple Process to Deal with a Hypercritical Mind

    A Simple Process to Deal with a Hypercritical Mind

    Head Hurts

    “We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

    “I can’t believe I screwed this up again!”

    “Why did I do that?”

    “This is all my fault!”

    The third grader ruminated as he walked away from the soccer field where his team had tied, two to two. It was their sixth tie in seven games.

    The lone game that was not a tie was a loss. According to this young man, his team’s record was a direct reflection of his worth; therefore, verbal self-deprecation was the only response one should have after such failure.

    His mother waited for him in the parking lot, hoping her ultra-competitive son would cool off from this perceived-to-be-colossal failure before heading home, but she knew how he was and was bracing herself for the usual tirade of self-deprecation.

    The third grader opened the passenger door, felt the synthetic coolness of the air conditioner, and plopped down into his seat.

    “Hi honey. How are you doing?” she asked, trying to gauge her son’s emotions.

    “Bad. We tied again,” he stated.

    “You played well, though,” she remained kind and supportive.

    “No I didn’t. We tied,” he reiterated.

    “You can’t be so hard on yourself. You have another game next week,” she said with concern.

    “Mom! Please just stop! We tied…again! I’m sick of it! I’d rather just lose, but we find a way to tie everyone! We tie the best team in the league, the average team, and then today we tie this crappy team! I’m sick of it!” he shouted, nearing tears, and then explained:

    “I’m sorry, Mom. I’m mad at myself, not at you. I just don’t want to talk about it. I’m a jerk.”

    That third grader was me—still is to a certain extent.

    This third person account was my first memory of being “hyper self-critical,” as my internship supervisor accurately wrote in her evaluation of me a year ago.

    At first I wrote this story in the first person, and I felt the same emotions as I did back in third grade.

    When I wrote it in the third person, I was able to gain distance from the experience, and objectively see how ridiculous I behaved, and how sad it is to see a third grader put that much pressure on himself for something that’s supposed to be fun.

    I am still “hyper self-critical.” Although I may not be throwing a tantrum, yelling at my mom, dad, and teammates, I still have this screaming critic telling me the things I have, am, and will screw up.

    When I was younger, I took great pride in my inner critic.

    I liked that I was hard on myself, that I expected perfection, and when I wasn’t perfect I cursed myself, punched a wall, yelled at a concerned friend or family member, and then isolated myself, promising that I would never screw up again.

    Then, I’d screw up again. The cycle continued.

    I continued this cycle all the way through college. I would start off the semester doing great, and then one missed assignment or one poor quiz score, and I’d berate myself for being stupid and lazy.

    Luckily for everyone around me, I learned to keep my disappointment to myself, so no more self-deprecating rants.

    It wasn’t until I took a class in conflict resolution that I began to question my perfectionist tendencies. In this class we learned a lot about communicating empathetically with co-workers, friends, family members, and significant others.

    However, the internal conflicts, more specifically, the section on self-forgiveness, stuck with me.

    This topic was not a monumental moment that forever changed my life; I don’t really believe in such moments. Rather, it was the first time I pondered the usefulness of being so critical of myself.

    Is it really useful to dwell on mistakes and feel terrible about them constantly?

    No. It was not helpful, but it did not change the content of my thoughts because of this realization, nor did it make me feel any better. Instead I felt frustrated with myself.

    I always looked at mistakes as learning opportunities; however, I never thought of them as acceptable in my mind. I understood that I inevitably would make mistakes, but this understanding conveniently disappeared when I would fall short of my expectations.

    A few months after this class, I started seeing a therapist.

    I justified going to therapy as an educational experience to further my understanding of my major, psychology; however, the truth was I wanted to understand my past and how it has shaped me.

    From therapy, I learned to view past versions of myself from a third person perspective, which allowed me to empathize with the younger me.

    I saw how hard this young boy worked, how much he achieved, and how frequently he felt inadequate and berated himself for everything that could have gone better, either within his control or outside of his control.

    It did not matter to this boy. Coming up short was the result of his effort, no one else. No excuses.

    Eventually, I was able to see some of my failures were not simply a lack of drive and/or intelligence; they were the result of my environment, so naturally I began to blame people, places, and things.

    Mainly I blamed my dad, and my family’s history of bipolar disorder and depression, for my hypercritical mind.

    Seeing things this way allowed me to forgive myself a bit more, but then I was angry with my dad for instilling his hypercritical mind in me.

    A new cycle had started and I felt worse than ever before. As soon as I was by myself, which was often, I would break down thinking about my history, feeling sorry for myself and finally crying.

    Gradually, the blaming dissipated and gave way to acceptance, and I began to actually like the person I am, appreciate my upbringing, and accept but not buy into the hypercritical part of my mind.

    Instead of getting wrapped up in my thoughts and emotions, I learned to see that I am a person having particular thoughts and particular emotions. I am not the thoughts and emotions. I am the action I take.

    I’m all right with the thoughts and emotions that I experience. I’m actually grateful for my mind’s criticism.

    Without the ridiculous criticism my mind concocts, I wouldn’t have my dry sense of humor, my drive to improve, nor would I experience the triumph of realizing that I can have doubts, worries, and negative thoughts, yet still act in accordance with my values.

    I definitely by no means would say, “I’ve figured it out” or anything near that, but maybe I’m just being too critical?

    It’d be unrealistic to expect my mind to think I have perfected anything, but through my experience, I have found the following process useful when dealing with my hypercritical mind:

    • Take a nice, slow breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.
    • Ask yourself, “Is this thought useful?”
    • If it is not, thank your mind for the input and…
    • Act in accordance with your values, not your hypercritical mind.

    You don’t have to feel a certain way or have particular thoughts to act in accordance with your values.

    Photo by threephin

  • Buddha Doodles: Reflect Love

    Buddha Doodles: Reflect Love

    Buddha_Doodles_ReflectLove_MollyHahn_grande

    Source: Buddha Doodles

  • Stop Assuming the Worst: Your Thoughts Shape Your Reality

    Stop Assuming the Worst: Your Thoughts Shape Your Reality

    Open Arms

    “Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.” ~Buddha

    My morning bicycle ride had been uneventful until I spotted a small lump in the middle of the bike path. It wasn’t a twig, a dead mouse, or a smelly “gift” from a dog, which are some of the most common sightings during my rides.

    It was a perfect, intact slice of bread.

    In a nanosecond, my mind created several versions of how this piece of bread had ended up where it was.

    I pictured a young mother pushing a stroller and her two-year-old tossing the bread out to the side. But no one in her right mind would give a whole slice of bread without butter or jam to a picky toddler.

    “Well,” I said to myself, “Maybe this was the woman’s first child, and she had no clue what to feed little children.” Now, this woman’s poor choices had resulted in perfectly good food being wasted.

    My mind then traveled to countries where a good slice of bread (or any kind of food) is very hard to find, and I started to feel anger.

    That’s when a voice inside told me, “There you go again, making up stories in your head.” I chuckled at my crazy imagination. And that’s when it hit me: We all create stories in our head, and many of these stories make our lives miserable.

    I used to be a pro at assuming the worst.

    I remember being upset that a friend seemed to be ignoring me and hadn’t returned my emails, until I realized I had been sending the messages to her old (and inactive) address.

    I recall the time I paid an evening visit to Wal-Mart, and when I spotted a man running in my direction in the parking lot, I thought I was going to be attacked. The man only wanted to ask for a couple of dollars because his motorcycle had run out of gas.

    I remember a time in my life in which all the pieces were falling perfectly into place, and instead of rejoicing in the moment, I wondered when the next disaster would happen because life couldn’t be so good.

    The stories in our head come courtesy of our subconscious mind, which has been programmed since the moment of our conception. But without going into the technicality of how our subconscious mind is programmed, what matters is that we make our own reality.

    So how do we know when we’re judging things correctly or when our mind is playing tricks? The answer is, we don’t know.

    But we can learn to reprogram our subconscious mind. We can deactivate the programs that lead to unhappiness and replace them with uplifting thoughts of love.

    How do we reprogram the subconscious mind? The following have worked well for me:

    Become aware and inquisitive.

    Every time a thought that produces a negative emotion pops into your head, contemplate the origin of this thought and question the validity of it. Remember that beliefs are nothing more than repeated thoughts, so question your beliefs as well.

    Feed positive programs to your mind.

    Once you’re aware of a negative story in your head, replace it with its positive counterpart.

    In my case, I could’ve chosen to think that my friend wasn’t receiving my emails, and called her instead of insisting on sending more emails. I could’ve also assumed the man who asked for money had good intentions, and that my life could actually be good and joyful.

    Make your environment positive.

    Surround yourself with peaceful, uplifting stimuli. Instead of going out to the bar to yell to be heard and to get drunk, meet up with friends for dinner and make real connections. Instead of watching the disasters in the news, go out for a walk in nature.

    Associate with positive people.

    Think of your current relationships, and define whether some of those people are feeding negative programs to your subconscious mind. Send the toxic people away from your life, and welcome those who share your values and love you for who you really are.

    Changing the crazy thoughts in your head requires attention and practice, but once you’ve made progress, you’ll notice how amazing life turns out to be. As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

    Photo by Marcos Dias

  • Forgiving In a Situation That Feels Unjust

    Forgiving In a Situation That Feels Unjust

    Sad

    “When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” ~Unknown

    There I was: numb from a conclusion of a dismissal based on a finding that there was “no reasonable prospect of success.”

    Harassed, bullied, victimized, stalked both in-person and online, the Human Rights Tribunal tossed me into another discarded pile of victims to be ignored by the courts because a group of goons were cleaver enough to hide the body of proof.

    My assailants comprised of four individuals. One was a divorced teacher of two children who engaged in inappropriate sexual relationships with three of his immediate students—the most recent being only 18 years old when the relationship began.

    Another was his female co-worker who heinously accused me of threatening her fetus despite never detailing the exact threat, the manner in which the threat was executed, or when the alleged threat occurred.

    The others were a male co-worker who accused me of “staring at him,” despite photo evidence of his flashing the genital regions of another male co-worker, and the presently 22-year-old student who exchanged sexual favors with her teacher and attempted to spread a malicious rumour that I was arrested by local police. 

    Why did I become their target? Because I rejected the sexual advances of the teacher without knowing of his previous sexual encounters within the college program or his current relationship with a student, and filed an internal complaint with the college.

    Most of the information I know today was discovered months after my departure from the academic institution.

    I still have yet to learn of the nature of these alleged death threats I made or what exactly I threatened.

    The accusation of threatening a fetus was most troubling, as there has never been an account of what the exact threat was, how a fetus can be threatened, and when this situation occurred.

    I have been an educator for most of my career and presently assist students with learning disabilities to improve their literacy levels. To have such blatant lies against someone like me who has dedicated so much to assist in the growth of others, and for others to actually believe these lies, was horrendous.

    Local police were baffled that the courts would dismiss what they saw for themselves, and were more than obliging to provide further assistance in obtaining restraining orders against the respondents, as a school employee threatened to physically assault me.

    I understood that a dismissal did not mean that the vice-chair of the Tribunal thought that I was a liar, or thought that none of these actions transpired, or thought that the respondents were innocent of the things of which I accused them.

    It meant that the body of proof and the actions which lead to my victimization were hidden so well that there was reason to doubt the existence of a victim at all—a horrific regularity in today’s world of anonymous online accounts: distorted images, fake lives, pseudonyms used by unknown figures.

    Yes, I know of karma. Yes, I know what goes around comes back around. Yes, I know a guilty soul eats away a person from within until the truth emerges. However, these thoughts and words of attempted condolence did not help.

    Longing and questioning filled my mind in the minutes that followed.

    When would karma come? Did the boomerang miss these people during an attempt for a universal justice? Could cosmetics continue to conceal their ugliness from the world, or worse, could their ugliness actually form a mask onto me for the world to be fooled that I was the perpetrator?

    I needed to find those words that would bring peace.

    Strangely, the source of victimization also served as a means of finding personal salvation: a Google search for the terms dealing with disappointment.

    My first search was fruitful with an anonymous quote from this very website: “Do not let today’s disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dreams.”

    The satisfaction I gained from this quote was fleeting, as the notion that I still had dreams to hold onto was always true, even during the ordeals with my tormentors. Also, even monsters dream.

    The article (4 Steps to Deal with Disappointment by Raeeka) followed with a useful list of four: Let it out, get some perspective, know your own heart, and practice acceptance.

    While I could recognize the usefulness of this list in my future, it still failed to complete the emotional journey I was presently in.

    I had already accepted what the courts decided and could already devise the rationality behind the decision. Excusing myself for being a bit too logical for the emotions I was experiencing, I continued in my search.

    It was my second search that brought me to a new list from the same website, and a sentence that changed my perspective on everything: “Consider that there is nothing to forgive” (3 Unconventional Tips for Forgiving and Letting Go by Lisa Esile).

    These words made me realize that my complaint filed with the tribunal was an act of telling these respondents that they needed to change for the better and giving them the opportunity to enrich themselves.

    However, if they cannot see how they wronged me and others, how can they ever see the need for change?

    I filed a complaint with the intention of assisting them in improving their current means of treating others when they weren’t open to improvement.

    It would be similar to using such a tactic on a rabid dog; the dog cannot realize that it has rabies, which is bad for it, or that when biting other living things that it causes greater harm than usual. It would be pointless to reason with the creature that it has an illness that needs to be rectified.

    A teacher who abuses his position and shames the education system, not once, not even twice, but three times is clearly someone not on a path I wish to follow. It’s not worth the energy to wait for him to change his course of behavior, let alone to wait for his supporters to change their respective paths to grow from their situations.

    I, on the other hand, have nothing to change in my foundation: I have told no lies; I have not shamed myself in my journey; I have not harmed the progress of others or their education; and I have not disrespected the education system by abusing my position with my students. I can only grow from my experiences.

    Forgiveness has become a term that we use as a sword and a parachute.

    For some, looking for a reason to forgive becomes a journey for revenge—if something bad happens to that hurtful person, then I can forgive them. For others, forgiveness becomes an escape route for their inconsiderate behavior—an “oh well, time heals all wounds” mentality, so why worry about any harm inflicted?

    Forgiveness can only be given to someone or something that you can truly believe would have chosen differently if they had more understanding or different circumstances.

    From what I know, my assailants are similar to the rabid dogs in that they cannot see the problem, so it’s pointless to expel my energy on them. And should they change from their current circumstances, it would be such a change that forgiveness would not be required from me, as they would no longer be the people who inflicted this harm.

    In an unjust situation we sometimes need to accept that the other person is simply incapable of distinguishing right from wrong. And it’s that acceptance that can help us understand and find peace.

    Photo by Casey Muir-Taylor