Tag: wisdom

5 Habits of High Self-Esteem to Adopt If You Want to Be Happier
“Stop beating yourself up. You are a work in progress; which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.” ~Unknown

Ten years ago, when I was in my early twenties, I wasn’t really my own best friend.

I was in college and although things were going okay with my studies, I wasn’t very happy.

When I made a mistake or failed I beat myself up for days or sometimes weeks.

I mostly focused on the negative and rarely took the time to appreciate the small and wonderful things about my life and myself.

I compared how I looked, my results in school, and success while dating—or more accurately, the total lack of dates—to what other people had and their results.

I was stuck in a rut of negativity and low self-esteem. Not a good place to be in.

But finally, after many years, I broke out of that rut.

It wasn’t easy. But step by small step I made changes in how I thought and how I viewed the world and myself. I stumbled along the way and many times I fell back into my old negative habits.

Today I’d like to share five habits that helped me to make that big change in my life, that I still rely on to this day and every day to maintain and build my self-esteem.

1. Compare yourself to yourself.

One of the first things I decided that I needed to stop doing was comparing myself and what I had to other people and what they had.

But what to do instead, since replacing a habit tends to be more successful than trying to just stop doing it?

I decided that I would compare myself to myself instead.

To look at how I had grown. How far I had come. How I had become more successful in small or bigger ways.

2. Be kinder toward other people.

One interesting thing I discovered was that when you are kinder toward other people in your life, you tend to think about and treat yourself in a kinder way, too.

And the other nice thing about this is that how you treat others is how they tend to treat you in the long run.

So I have found it very helpful to focus on being kind in my daily life.

This kindness doesn’t have to be about big things.

It can simply be to:
- Just be there and listen fully for a few minutes as you let someone vent
- Give a genuine compliment
- Let someone into your lane while driving
- Take a few minutes to help someone out in a practical way by giving advice, using Google to help them find something, lifting a heavy table, or making arrangements for a dinner at a restaurant
3. When you stumble, be your own best friend.

Instead of beating yourself up when you make a mistake, fail, or stumble in some way, ask yourself: How would my best friend or parent support me and help me in this situation?

Then simply do things and talk to yourself like he or she would.

This simple change in perspective can help you to not fall down into a valley of depressed thoughts, but to be constructive and optimistic about what you do from here on out.

4. Leave perfectionism behind.

One of the biggest reasons why I beat myself up so much was that I often wanted things to be perfect.

And so I held myself to an inhuman standard, in school and whatever I did, really.

A big problem with this mindset was, of course, that I often did not do things at all because I was afraid that I could not do them perfectly. Or, I felt it would be too much work and quit before I had even gotten started.

Just realizing how this mindset was hurting me and people around me helped me to let go of it and adopt a healthier outlook.

Also, reminding myself that there is a thing called “good enough” and focusing on reaching that instead of perfection helped me not only to get better results, but also perform better in all areas of my life.

It also helped me to stop procrastinating so much and to take a lot more action to improve my life step by step.

5. Keep in mind why your self-esteem is so, so important.

Here is my experience with improving my own self-esteem in the past few years:
- Life will become simpler and lighter, because you will not make mountains out of molehills nearly as often anymore.
- You’ll be less needy and more stable as a human being. When you like yourself more, when your opinion of yourself goes up, then you’ll stop trying so eagerly to get validation and attention from other people.
- You’ll sabotage yourself less. By raising and keeping your self-esteem up, you will feel more and more deserving of good things in all areas of your life. So you’ll go after these good things more often and with more motivation. And when you get them, then you’ll be a lot less likely to self-sabotage because you know that you deep down actually deserve to have them in your life.
- You’ll be more attractive in any kind of relationship. With better self-esteem you’ll get the benefits listed above. And all of that is highly attractive in any kind of relationship. No matter if that relationships is with a friend, at work, in school, or with a partner.
All these huge benefits have also made my life happier. And as I move through my days I keep these very important reasons for keeping my self-esteem up and improving it in the forefront of my mind.

Doing this simple thing has done wonders for my own self-esteem and for my motivation to make it a top priority in my life.
January 5, 2014
Look for the Silver Lining

Source: Flapperdoodle

January 3, 2014
What to Do When You Find It Hard to Do What’s Good for You

“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.” ~Lao Tzu

I know how you feel.

You know you shouldn’t eat that cookie, but it’s as if there’s something from deep within that compels you to move your arm forward, pick it up, and consume it in one, grandiosely guilty gesture.

You find yourself performing entire series of behaviors—like reaching into your pocket, picking out the pack, getting the cigarette, and lighting it—without even realizing what you’ve done until you’ve got the thing in your mouth.

You promise yourself you won’t complain, judge, or gossip, and there you are giggling about that thing she’s wearing or rolling your eyes at the person in front of you in line who’s taking ages to pick out her coupons.

You wake up in the morning with the full intent to exercise, feeling faint pangs of guilt with each passing hour on the clock, each hour with its own special excuse. “Too early” becomes “Too hungry” becomes “Too full” becomes “Too late.”

You mean to meditate, you really do, but you spend the whole time bothering about all the items on your to-do list and getting chest-clenching reminders of all the things you’ve forgotten. In the end, relaxing stresses you out even more.

What is going on? Why is it so difficult to just do what’s good for you? Why does it seem so easy for other people? Are some people biologically equipped to be emotionally and physically healthy? Are their lives just easier and more stress-free than yours?

It’s much too easy to say that people who do what’s good for them are different from you somehow. However, it’s even easier to reply to such claims with “You can do it!” or any endless refrain of motivational and inspirational slogans.

We’ve all heard that we can do it if we set ourselves to it, so all the motivational tapes make us feel even worse when we, as if possessed by demons, reach out and pay for the very fries that we spend hours regretting.

That’s because motivation isn’t the answer. Neither is willpower. I found this out the hard way.

Once upon a time, I tried to quit smoking. I failed. I thought I’d failed because I hadn’t picked a proper replacement behavior and because it wasn’t the right time.

In reality, smoking was the least of my problems. I was extremely close to a mental breakdown. I didn’t see it that way, but I knew something was wrong.

The same way that you can become obese over ten years by eating just a little bit extra at every meal, I became just a little bit more mentally ill every day. It was barely noticeable because it was so gradual. I was acclimatizing to my misery as I was plunging into it.

Have you ever been drawing or writing something and suddenly made a mistake? It just makes it worse when you try to cover it up, but you can’t seem to stop. You just keep making it worse and worse the more you try to fix it.

Well, that was my relationship with my body, my mind, and my life.

As the pressure began to build, I kept ignoring obvious signs of my distress. I remember rubbing at my face, thinking that the dark circles around my eyes were from smudged eyeliner. Except they didn’t rub off.

I remember getting nightmares night after night. I remember when I started eating meat again, after abstaining for nine years. I remember when I stopped exercising and started smoking double the amount. I remember when I started drinking every day.

I felt, more and more, like I didn’t really care much about my body, like it could rot for all I cared.

It wasn’t until I became suicidal and started hearing voices that I started to panic a little. Obviously, something was wrong.

So, I decided to quit smoking. Obviously it was the smoking.

Genius, right?

The first time I tried, it failed. Within about twenty-four hours of stopping, all of my mental symptoms worsened tenfold. I was a wreck. I reached back for a cigarette.

I waited a few weeks and tried again.

Within two weeks I had a mental breakdown, which I must say was one of the most amazing things that had ever happened to me. It was a beautiful moment between me and myself.

Suddenly, all that had been extremely complicated and confusing became simple and easy. I faced a choice: change or die.

Choosing to change meant getting on my knees. It meant surrendering to a higher power I couldn’t define or see, and trusting that, even though I wasn’t in control anymore, something would carry me through and help me heal.

There, I found peace.

And yet, my journey after the breakdown was extremely rocky.

I would fluctuate between peace and distress. For a while, I would be happy, peaceful, and joyful. I would treat my body like a temple and feel this intense, building urge to just take care of it, to give it nourishing care and tenderness.

Then I would crash. I would reach back for old vices and the same old insecurities.

After a few months of fluctuating, I crashed again. This time, I ended up in the hospital with meningitis. I knew the moment I got admitted that it wasn’t a coincidence. I knew I’d done it to myself.

Staying in the hospital was sort of like going to prison.

I was being punished for the way I’d been treating myself. I was being punished by my own body, by my own self.

I remember reading that, if you were to go to bed as a non-smoker and wake up the next morning with all the symptoms of having smoked for ten years, you’d rush yourself to the emergency room. You’d think something was horribly wrong.

The only reason that people smoke for ten years without much worry is because the consequences come on so gradually.

For ten years, I’d ignored the effects of my self-hating, self-destructive thoughts the same way that I’d ignored the effects of smoking cigarettes. I couldn’t ignore them anymore.

Lying in that hospital bed, in excruciating pain because the doctors refused to give me narcotics considering my “history,” I realized that the reason I kept hurting myself was because I believed I deserved it.

I was always telling myself that I wasn’t good enough. I was always judging my body. I was always comparing myself to others and deeming myself unworthy.

After I broke down, I started being more loving to myself but, soon enough, the old habits returned.

Lying alone in that hospital bed, I learned my lesson. I realized that self-love was not an option. If you don’t love yourself, you’ll destroy yourself and do what’s bad for you. There’s no middle ground.

After I got released, I got to work. I read some books, made some plans, and, more importantly, embraced myself.

I quit smoking, re-embraced vegetarianism, started exercising again, and opened my first blog. I decided to pursue my dreams at any cost and to take care of myself, because I deserve it.

It’s not that I’ve discovered some magical willpower formula that’s helped me combat cravings for cigarettes. I just haven’t craved them.

It’s not that I force myself not to eat meat. I just don’t want it.

Doing yoga, writing a book, starting a business—these weren’t hard. They were meaningful and enjoyable. It was destroying myself and ignoring the effects of it that was hard.

In the end, I’ve realized that a craving is never just a craving. A craving is a signal that something’s missing. An urge to restart old, destructive habits is always, always a sign.

If you can’t seem to do what’s good for you, then maybe you don’t think you deserve what’s good. If you feel compelled to hurt yourself, maybe you think you deserve to be hurt.

At the end of the day, I realized that I didn’t need to quit smoking. I needed to quit hating myself.

I didn’t need to start exercising. I needed to start respecting my body.

I didn’t need to stop drinking. I needed to stop numbing my emotions.

I didn’t need to watch my calories. I needed to watch my thoughts.

Inside each of us, there’s a state of mind where being good to ourselves, others, and the planet is effortless. Don’t try to do good or be good. Just find that state of mind, and it’s all downhill from there.

Editor’s Note: Vironika has generously offered to give away two copies of her new book The Love Mindset: An Unconventional Guide to Healing and Happiness. To enter to win a copy, leave a comment below. You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, January 6th.

Update: The winners have been chosen: Tiffanie and Belinda.

January 2, 2014
6 Tips to Help You Free Yourself from Your Fearful Thoughts

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

Here I am, huddled up close to the wood burner, my only source of heat, sitting on an old recliner chair that was given to me, in a rented apartment with windows soaked with condensation. Outside it is cold, wet, and dreary, a typical English winter’s day.

My business folded in July with substantial personal debt and I turned forty-four in August.

Perhaps not the most heart-warming start to a post, but rather some raw facts of how my life is now, not x number of years ago before I turned my life around, but now! I’m pretty sure I am not alone in this situation I find myself.

In July when I folded my never very successful business resulting in substantial personal debt, the first thing I did was completely freak out—panic attacks, endless anxiety, depressive thoughts, the whole nine yards.

I went to my doctor who gave me anti-anxiety medication without a second thought. I tried them for a couple of months, but I had been down that route before and this time I felt that it was not the solution to my problems. So after consulting with the doc I carefully weaned myself off of them.

What I needed was answers as to what was causing me so much pain inside rather than a Band-Aid to cover it. I needed to find out why I seemed to have spent my entire life under a shadow, a shadow from which I never felt comfortable emerging to engage fully with the world for fear of being seen.

Enter Tiny Buddha. I found Tiny Buddha by chance while endlessly searching for answers as to what was broken in me. What I discovered after reading hundreds of posts was a revelation: I am not broken.

After digging deeper, I began to realize that I was locked in a trance most of the time, a trance created by my egoic mind. A trance shaped by fear during my formative years. My psyche was trying to protect me from the fear and lack of safety I felt when growing up; it was trying to keep me safe.

My childhood interpretation of the events I experienced, combined with non-compassionate and non-understanding authority figures, led my psyche to decide that the best way to deal with life was to retreat to a place of safety and hide, to not get involved or be exposed in any way.

It met any situation or event that it interpreted as fearful with vigorous resistance.

As most things in life contain some element of fear and anticipation, especially new things, my egoic mind trance was active most of the time, constantly in the background, ready to come to my rescue at the slightest whiff of perceived danger.

The irony is that my mind’s way of “rescuing” me was to paralyze me with feelings of dread, worry, and anxiety, coupled with the physical feelings associated with panic.

It’s not easy when your egoic mind has spent the greater part of your life trying to convince you that it is the only place where you are safe.

Over the years the egoic mind has plenty of time to really go to town building a devilishly intricate trance machine that becomes deeply entrenched in the psyche. Mine was so entrenched that I thought it was me. Until recently, that is.

What I am learning from reading many posts on Tiny Buddha, which led me to books, podcasts, and other resources on the subject of the being, is this:

1. We need to realize that we truly are not our thoughts.

Our thoughts come from the egoic mind. We are the awareness that hears the thoughts.

When you talk to yourself inside your mind, to whom are you actually talking? It is your awareness, and that is who you are, that is your being. Not the thoughts.

Your thoughts are just constructs of your egoic mind. You can actually choose to let them float on by without believing or engaging them, should you choose to.

2. Understand it is not your fault that your mind is causing you such pain; it’s a product of evolution.

Back in the days of caves and things with sharp pointy teeth, you were more likely to survive if you were ever vigilant of danger—meaning the genes that favored this behavior were more likely to get passed down… to you.

The egoic mind thinks it is helping you by keeping you safe and trapped inside a trance. It is not its fault, and you have to face your trance thoughts with compassion and love, and be able to forgive yourself. It really isn’t your fault.

3. Use meditation and mindfulness throughout the day; learn to see the space between the real you—which is awareness—and the egoic mind, as its thoughts race by.

Observe thoughts for what they are: just thoughts. Try not to allow yourself to become absorbed in your thoughts and go into trance, but do not punish yourself if you do.

Be kind and compassionate to yourself when you recognize you have drifted away and start fresh in the moment, returning to a state of mindful awareness whenever you can.

4. Identify the trance thoughts and emotions as they arise and name them.

For example, “Oh, this is fear I am feeling, just fear,” or “I feel you dread and worry; it’s okay,” or “Hello shame and unworthiness; I see you.”

This technique of compassionate recognition will reduce the power they have over you, as you have exposed them for what they really are: just thoughts.

5. Remember that it takes perseverance and practice, lots of it.

Another fun thing we inherited from our ancestors is that the fear of something can become embedded in our long-term memory even after a single, brief exposure to it. Conversely, it takes much longer and repeated exposure to positive stimuli before they are committed to long-term memory.

6. Each time you notice yourself in a state of negativity, use it as an opportunity to practice, to mindfully observe your thoughts with acceptance and compassion.

This will allow them to flow through and out of you rather than be kept inside to be constantly recycled.

Do not beat yourself up if you find it difficult to let go of thinking. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. It took you more than a few days to learn to read and write. It will take a little time for you to calm your egoic mind and let your awareness shine through.

This is the path I have begun to walk. I’ve begun to let go of expectations about others and myself; to learn to be compassionate and to love myself; to accept who I am, and where I am in this moment; to try not to judge others or myself. To know that in this moment everything is okay.

And now that my cat is lying on my lap, I guess that means it is time to finish this. Life is all about these moments.

Photo by D.Ph

January 2, 2014
It Will All Be Okay in the End

Source: Chibird

January 1, 2014
Enjoying Our Passions Instead of Focusing on Status and Approval

“If your number one goal is to make sure that everyone likes and approves of you, then you risk sacrificing your uniqueness, and, therefore, your excellence.” ~Unknown

The year that I graduated from college with my undergraduate degree, I was beyond enthusiastic about being a teacher.

I was absolutely confident that I was a very gifted communicator and that I had a great deal to offer to the field of education. In reality, I had no idea how right I was, yet how different my path would be from what I expected.

For me, work was not just a “J-O-B”; however, my first school job was incredibly disappointing for me. The students were apathetic, my colleagues were unimpressed with me, and at the end of the year I was crushed when I received an average performance review.

When I switched schools, under the impression that a change of scenery would improve my experience, I somehow carried with me in my bag of tricks the same perfectionism and tendency to overwork that had poisoned my first experience.

To my frustrated mind, it was as though my previous school’s faculty had gone backstage, changed costumes, and reappeared in new garb to undermine me.

That year, I was so determined to make a name for myself locally that I worked myself into an almost hysterical state of constant anxiety and busy-ness.

Responding to every emergency, I took on all the weaknesses of the struggling school system in an effort to feel important and indispensable. I thought great teachers could work miracles. Again, I was right—but not in the way that I assumed.

Ironically, the intensity and drive that I brought to my teaching did nothing to increase its impact or my prestige.

My people-pleasing was not only compromising my professional effectiveness, but it was also causing me to continue to look outside of myself, to my principal, my students, and my colleagues, for affirmation—something that I could only give myself.

However, the worst part was that I had begun to resent my students, because they became the symbol of my exhaustion. I turned in my resignation at the end of that school year with a sinking feeling of defeat.

How was I, the star of my college graduating class, rapidly becoming a statistic of teacher attrition?

That summer, I applied for new teaching positions relentlessly as unemployment loomed before me, but I wondered if the problem was the job—or me.

I researched graduate school obsessively, continually looking for the next right thing that would launch me into professional happiness. However, all roads were dead ends.

I didn’t realize it, but the emptiness and anger were having a profound impact on my ego, as I was no longer sure that I had anything special to offer education or culture, let alone a confidence that my ideas were as valuable as anyone else’s contributions to the world.

Most importantly, I was beginning to question the purpose of work and vocation in my life for the first time. I asked myself, “What do I want to do?” instead of, “What should I do?”

I completed an extensive career workbook that allowed me to take an honest look at my spiritual motives for working, and I realized that my relationship to work was based on my desire for recognition—a gift that I could grant myself simply by believing in the unique value that I brought to the educational world.

My addiction to achievement, education, and status had defined me for so long that my newfound non-identity, professionally, was intensely quieting.

While I was in this space of self-exploration and laying the groundwork for a major career change, however, I was unexpectedly offered an interview at a very appealing private school.

Ironically, by that time, I was simply interviewing as a last-ditch effort to use my existing education degree before I became a fitness instructor or got a degree in counseling.

On the interview, I was casually frank and personable—I did not use the PowerPoint presentation that I had brought on my computer to all of my other failed interviews. I simply talked about my passion for my subject with directness, humor, and energy.

Then, of course, I got the job—and, surprisingly, there was a mix of disappointment in my excitement.

I had barely attained serenity without my “teacher” mortarboard, and then the universe returned that role to me. That’s when the two years of experience that I had sown, planted in frustration, and watered with anger and emptiness began to flower.

Because I was less emotionally invested than I ever had been before, I found myself creating ways to rearrange my working time at my new school so that I could do more teaching and exploration of my fascinating subject, and less codependent overworking.

I began to experience more “flow” states, of being totally engaged in my teaching. Also, I had developed numerous hobbies, such as writing, from my period of unemployment, and I continued to enjoy them.

I said “no” more than I ever had at any other job. I was late occasionally, I risked people’s disappointment, and I stood up for myself. In other words, I took my job, and myself, a lot less seriously.

I had finally taken myself off my self-created pedestal and joined my coworkers as a more relatable person, and for the first time ever I felt connected to the people around me, and the relationships allowed my unique and talented voice to be heard in the workplace in the way that I had always wanted.

Best of all, I realized late that first autumn that I truly loved my students and my subject—fortunately, somewhere along my winding path I had left behind that bitter version of myself that resented the young people who depended on me most.

Work, now, isn’t all about what I should do or what I have to do—now in the mix there’s a healthy dose of what I want to do. My passion is a precious gift that I should share with the people around me, not hoard in order to obtain status.

My valuable voice is heard best when I am surrounded by a caring, connected community, and that circle is not available to me when I overwork and isolate myself.

For me, being a human being in the workplace means that I make mistakes, and that those flaws connect me with the people around me.

I’ve learned that we don’t always have to make major career changes to become content with our work. We may only need to appreciate the energy that flows from what we do, and stop looking outside of ourselves for affirmation of our uniqueness and worth.

Photo by camdiluv

January 1, 2014
Dealing with Disappointing Relationships: Change Your Expectations
“If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective.” ~Unknown

Sometimes it feels as if you are completely in control of your life, but when it comes to relationships there’s always the other person.

In a relationship, you can’t be the puppeteer. People have their own emotions, behaviors, actions, beliefs, scars, wounds, fears, dreams, and perspectives. They are their own person.

How often have you wanted a relationship to be something that it was not?

How many times have you said a certain word or phrase in order to spark a specific reaction?

How much do you expect from this person? Do they fail you each and every time?

In healthy relationships there are certain expectations, like being treated well or being respected. Yet sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that don’t mirror what we anticipate to happen. We may feel hurt or used.

We cannot expect other people to treat us as we would treat them. We cannot assume anything or force change upon someone who clearly demonstrates he or she is stuck in his or her own way.

With eyes full of clarity, I am capable of changing the relationships in my life by adjusting my point of view.

I call my father a sperm donor. He gave me life but never showed up in my life.

My friends at school never knew I had a father because they never saw him. He missed all of the concerts and sports games. For the majority of my life, we didn’t talk. He didn’t acknowledge me—no birthday calls. I had no idea where my dad lived. Some days I was not sure he was still alive.

In high school, my dad limped back into my life. I could stop by his apartment and visit him when I wanted to. If I called him, he would pick up the phone. Things were changing between us.

Blindingly bright, his true colors revealed themselves the night before my high school graduation when I called to make sure he was coming. He said he couldn’t attend because he had to drive a friend to the airport. Cabs exist. His friend could have used one. I was angry, sad, and most of all, hurt.

Rejection from my father has been the hardest thing for me to accept. It is not easy to grasp the idea that someone who once loved me, adored me, gave life to me could turn his back and walk away so easily.

I could no longer take the feelings of disappointment.

These feelings were a direct result of what I was expecting from him:
- Assuming he would respond to things as I would.
- Assuming he would care like I do.
- Assuming he thinks in a similar way as I do.
I was living in a fantasyland of my hopes, dreams, ideas, beliefs, expectations, and assumptions.

I was hurting myself most.

For the protection of my emotional body, I changed my perception from what I hoped would happen to being open to experience whatever actually happens.

This shift didn’t occur immediately, but by following the five steps listed below I was able to come to peace with the type of relationship I have with my father.

1. Be aware of reality.

Acknowledge the other person’s behaviors. Look at patterns and how they regularly treat you. Remember the feelings you had in the past. Don’t be fooled into believing things are different from how they are.

2. Stop manipulating situations.

Many times we yearn for specific responses, like validation and approval. When we do not receive what we want, we may speak or behave in certain ways to try to elicit the desired reaction.

This type of behavior leaves us feeling empty when the other person does not react the way we hope they would. Remember, you cannot change anyone; it is up to them to change.

3. Let go.

Throw expectations and assumptions out the door. Release the hopes, wishes, and dreams that things will change by detaching from the ideas.

Get out of the fantasy world by not hooking into the thoughts of what could be. Keep your mind from running into the future. Remain open to all possibilities by staying in the present moment.

4. Focus on those who love you.

It will be easier to follow the third step if you remind yourself of those who are there for you. They continue to be there because they care about you. Focus on people who make you feel loved, connected, cared for, and worthy. Reach out to them and reconnect.

5. Learn to love yourself.

Provide yourself with what you are yearning for (compliments, compassion, or encouragement). Only you know what you truly need.

Realize each moment you are being the best you at that time. Build self-confidence and strive to eliminate any doubts you have about yourself. When you feel shaky or alone, look in your eyes in the mirror and say, “I love you.” Nurture yourself. Feel the love you have inside of yourself.

Let go of your expectations of people and see how your relationships change. And if you don’t feel differently about it or if it’s not benefiting you, you can always walk away. Your emotional state matters most. You cannot control other people, but you can make yourself happy.

Photo by Don
January 1, 2014
3 Lessons from Traveling That Lead to Everyday Happiness

“Remember that happiness is a way of travel—not a destination.” ~Roy M. Goodman

After graduating from college I took off to explore Europe for four months with one of my best friends.

We backpacked through fourteen different countries and learned things about the world and ourselves that we never expected. We often joked that we learned more about life and ourselves traveling abroad for four months than we did going to school for four years in college.

When you’re traveling, you get a whole new perspective on what really matters, and you feel this sense of adventure and excitement that reminds you just how many possibilities you have in life.

Still infected with the travel bug, I decided last year to spend six weeks with a good friend in China. In the land of Buddhas, bikes, and chopsticks, I remembered three important lessons that have helped me find happiness and fulfillment in everyday life. (more…)

December 31, 2013
Wisdom of the Future

Source: Dharma Comics

December 31, 2013
Why You Should Do That Thing You’ve Always Wanted to Do

“Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” ~Robert H. Schuller

In March this year, I did something I had wanted to do since the age of nine: I had my first piano lesson. At the time I was nearly thirty-five, so it had only taken me twenty-six years to get around to it.

Why the delay? Well, when I was little, we couldn’t afford lessons, but looking back I see that was only an excuse until I got my first part-time job at sixteen—which means that the last nineteen years of procrastinating were entirely down to me.

Over those years, thoughts of playing the piano had come back to me on quite a few occasions.

Whenever I talked about it with anyone, we would usually end up agreeing that either it would be too expensive or that I was now just too old. After all, piano lessons are for kids, and posh kids at that.

Then, one day, I heard that the TV presenter Jonathan Ross was learning to play. He wasn’t posh! And he was older than me! If he could do it, surely I could too. After hearing this, I decided I’d really have to start thinking about having lessons.

And I did—think about it, I mean. I thought about it a lot. Every time I saw Jonathan Ross on TV, every time I met someone who could play the piano, every time I saw a piano, every time I heard the word “piano.”

“One day I’ll learn,” I’d think, “when I have more money.”

Then, when I was teaching in Italy, a golden opportunity came my way: one of my students was a piano teacher. I was very excited when she told me this and instantly told her that I’d love to be able to play.

Guess what? She offered to give me a lesson. For free! I leapt at the chance and rushed to her house first thing the next morning. Of course, I didn’t really do that. That’s what I should have done.

Instead, I told her I thought it would be easier for children and asked her if it would be difficult to learn at my age.

“Maybe,” she said, and that was that. We quickly forgot all about it and the idea was pushed aside once more, with me safe in the knowledge that there really was nothing I could do about it.

Fast-forward about seven years and I was teaching a group of mixed nationality students in Bournemouth, England. At one point a student asked me if I played an instrument.

I gave him my usual answer: “No, but I’ve always wanted to be able to play the piano.” He smiled at me and asked, “What have you done to make your dream come true?”

I was slightly stunned by this question. Not only did I realize I had done nothing, but I hadn’t really thought of it as a dream before; I just thought it was something that I’d quite like to do, if only I could.

But it was a dream. It had come back to me again and again. Why hadn’t I done something about it? Why couldn’t I do it? What was stopping me?

I would like to be able to tell you that I ran home and found myself a teacher right away, but I didn’t.

It wasn’t until a few months later that I finally went for it. I was writing a list of all the things I’d like to start doing in my free time and again, piano lessons were on my list. My student’s words rang in my ears: “What have you done to make your dream come true?”

“Right! That’s it!” I thought. Turning to my trusty friend, Google, I did a search on “piano teachers in Bournemouth” and found one who lived five minutes from my flat.

What’s more, she gave free trial lessons. I had nothing to lose. I emailed her right away and booked a lesson for later that week.

Eight months and a few “good job” stickers later, I am quite amazed by how much I’ve learned in such a short space of time. But one question still bothers me: Why did it take me so long?

It wasn’t the money; I could have had free lessons in Italy. It wasn’t a lack of a good teacher; I hadn’t even tried to look for one before. When I finally did, she lived a stone’s throw away from my flat.

What it really boiled down to was this: I was scared.

I was scared that I wouldn’t be good enough, posh enough, young enough, confident enough, and Lord-knows-what-else enough to learn how to play a musical instrument. People like me just didn’t do that sort of thing.

How many of us do this? How many people put off doing the things we want to do through fear of failure or being ridiculed?

What was the worst thing that could have happened? I would have been a rubbish piano player, that’s all. And only my teacher would have known.

Why do we do it? Why are we so afraid of stepping out of our comfort zone?

Because that’s just what it is. It’s comforting; we know what’s going to happen. There’s minimal stress involved; we’re safe.

We’re also most probably, bored rigid. Staying in our comfort zone doesn’t allow us to grow into the people we were meant to be.

Why is it so important to do that thing you’ve always wanted to do?

Learning to play an instrument is hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be. Seeing that you have the ability to do something that you didn’t think possible helps to boost your confidence and leads you to think, “Hang on a minute; what else could I do?”

Nowadays, I’m busy taking my first baby steps toward self-employment and getting my writing out to the world. I’m fully invested in going for my dream.

While that’s not entirely because of the piano lessons, they have helped give me the confidence to see that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

It’s never too late (except that sometimes, it kind of is).

I was originally going to title this post something like “It’s never too late to…” but then I realized that’s not entirely true.

The truth is, none of us know how long we have, or what condition our health will be in if we do reach old age.

You never know when the chance will pass you by completely.

And while I’m happy with my progress, as I practice my latest masterpiece in the hope of another sticker, I can’t help but wonder what I could be playing by now if I’d started earlier.

So my message is simple: Whatever you want to do, go for it, whether it’s pottery, rock-climbing, tap dancing, or knitting.

Think of the worst thing that could happen, which will probably be that you’ll be no good.

So what?

You have everything to gain and nothing to lose.

There’s no reason not to go for that thing you’ve always wanted to do.

Photo by Alex Indigo

December 30, 2013
Change Your Life: Be Honest with Yourself and Make Conscious Choices

“If you do nothing unexpected, nothing unexpected happens.” ~Fay Weldon

During the last year I have made significant changes. I have changed my habits, values, thoughts, and perception of life. It has been an amazing journey and I have learned some valuable lessons that I want to share with you about happiness, motivation, and standing up for decisions you believe in.

I have always loved attention and I have always loved to party. In Denmark, it is not unusual that students drink two to three times a week, and I used to do that, as well.

Last year I went to Australia for six months to study and travel. I continued this insane habit of drinking, and sometimes we ended up drinking five to six times a week.

I started to realize the profound negative effects of drinking excessively.

Concentration became a challenge sometimes and I could feel my brain was slowing down. That made it harder to speak English (as a non-native speaker), and I was never motivated to work hard on anything. Furthermore, I sometimes felt stuck in an endless cycle of emptiness.

On October 31, 2012, I made a conscious decision that would change my life. I had been drinking for six days in a row and I decided to go for a walk one morning. I walked twenty kilometers in the most beautiful rain forest in Australia, thinking about what I wanted to do with my life.

I once read a quote that read, “Set a goal so big that if you achieved it, it would blow your mind.” I was trying to figure out what that goal was for me.

When I read that quote again I realized that I had the potential to live a far more dedicated and purposeful life. I wanted to realize my potential and become proud of who I was.

I decided that I would stop drinking alcohol for a year and I would do Ironman Copenhagen in 2013. I had never been on a road bike before, I did not know how to swim, and I had bad knees.

Despite the tiny chances of success, I had a desire to begin this adventure to become more and prove that I was capable of anything.

Making a conscious decision had a powerful impact on me and I was convinced that I could do it. After that, I started looking for ways to accomplish my goal and people that could help me.

I went to the swimming pool the following morning and approached the most experienced swimmer there.

I asked him for the best advice for a beginner, and after three months of intense training, I could swim. I sought advice everywhere and learned new lessons all the time. I was developing and my habits were changing for the better.

I was training six days a week, sometimes several times a day. When my friends were out partying, I was either training or resting. When my friends were running ten miles, I ran twenty. Everything I did was a reflection of my priority to reach my goal. Nothing was more important to me.

Even though I felt like snoozing in the morning, I refused and said “no.” Voices kept telling me to stay in bed but I didn’t ask their opinion anymore. Instead, I listened to the voice saying there was a reason I’d set my alarm in the first place.

I was out running ten miles on New Years Eve at three in the morning, and I felt a motivation that I had never felt before because I was moving toward a goal so challenging, and at the same time running away from the old me. I had a desire to become a better version of me.

On August 18, 2013, I crossed the finish line of Ironman Copenhagen in eleven hours and twenty-two minutes, finishing forty-three in my age group. I had been sober for ten months and I had never been in a better shape.

I experienced an increase in focus during those ten months, and I had never experienced that level of happiness before. The feeling of staying true to the decision I made felt amazing.

Twelve months ago I was capable of drinking a case of beer in eleven hours. Now, I was capable of swimming 3.8 kilometers, biking 180 kilometers, and running a marathon in the same period of time.

I developed from being a boy, depending on approval and attention from other people, to an Ironman, staying true to the decisions I made and being comfortable about taking my own path.

I have learned several important things about life over the past twelve months. Today I want to share the three most important lessons I learned:

1. Others will respect you for making your own choice—and you will respect yourself.

Going from drinking six times a week to training for an Ironman is a radical change. I had to give up some of the things I used to do. In addition to giving up alcohol, I had to decrease the number of social activities I attended.

In the beginning, I was scared that people wouldn’t accept my choice and would talk me out of it.

Some tried to do this, but most of my close friends supported me because they could see that I became happier pursuing this dream.

Others may accept you if you choose the usual way of life. However, people will respect you even more for making your own choices and sticking to them. More importantly, you will start to respect yourself more, as well.

2. Success is a choice.

I was nowhere near the shape of an Ironman when I decided to compete in one. I had never tried to ride a road bike before and I couldn’t swim. How did I accomplish this anyway?

I made a commitment to myself that no matter what I had to overcome in order to complete an Ironman, I would overcome it. I made sure that success was a choice and not a wish.

If you commit to seeing something through, you accept no excuses but only results. When people start giving up, you keep going!

Always remind yourself that with one step comes the decision to take another. Believe the voice that says you can run a little faster and work a little harder.

When we commit to do this, success is no longer a wish but a choice. Keep in mind that success is not equal to winning or being the best. You are the one who defines what it means. Regardless of what you achieve, waking up every morning and doing what you said you’d do can equal success.

3. Be honest with yourself.

After completing an Ironman I was convinced that every success starts with a conscious, honest decision. I made a conscious decision about doing it because I had an honest, deep desire to show myself that I was capable of anything.

Don’t fool yourself into pursuing goals that do not make sense to you. Chasing goals that align with your values and priorities is what brings happiness.

I always aim to keep in mind that motivation is like a fire within. If someone else tries to light that fire in you, chances are that it will burn briefly. When we are the ones to ignite that fire inside, we will experience more happiness and increased motivation.

You can only ignite that fire by being honest with yourself about what needs to change and which choices supports your values.

I experienced that something temporary can become permanent because we love our new situation more than the previous.

What I thought would be a year without alcohol is now becoming a more and more permanent choice. I did something unexpected and something unexpected happened. I changed from a boy to an Ironman.

Living a happy life is about taking responsibility and making conscious decisions. When are you going to change for the better? When are you going to experience more happiness? Start today.

Photo by fromthevalleys-

December 30, 2013
Make Peace with Your Past: Find the Good and Embrace the Lessons

“It’s not the events of our lives that shape us but our beliefs as to what those events mean.” ~Tony Robbins

Daughter of an alcoholic. Welfare recipient. Teenage mother. Non-college attendee. Poor decision maker. Unhealthy relationship participant. Financial disaster. Evictee.

All of these statements described me. They also propelled me into action, transforming me into an over-achieving perfectionist. Yet they still weighed me down because I felt like I had to constantly prove I was better than my past—better than the circumstances from which I came.

It took a lot of effort.

It took a lot of energy.

It was a burden.

I gained a lot of knowledge, built a tremendous skill set, and developed expertise. I was successful on the outside, but on the inside I felt like nothing more than a fraud.

I avoided events where the question of what college I attended may surface.

I avoided situations that would put me in the company of highly educated people, for fear that their vocabulary would be beyond my understanding and I would appear stupid.

I avoided conversations about any topic that I did not feel a level of expertise in discussing.

I avoided talking about my past and my history.

Avoidance became a whole new skill set—one that I executed with a level of mastery. At some point I began to realize this game of charades was not in alignment with my core values of honesty and integrity.

I began to realize that the energy I was putting into creating a false image of myself was taking away my ability to live my life fully and openly.

I began to realize that in order to move forward, I had to come to terms with my past, to extract the good, to carry forward the lessons learned, but to leave behind the all of the garbage I’d outgrown.

Good like…

The kindness and generosity shown by to me strangers, neighbors, family, and friends when I was in the greatest need. The people who cheered me on and believed in me when I did not believe in myself. The few who knew my biggest, darkest secrets and loved me anyway.

Lessons like…

Understanding that no matter how much you want something for someone else, the only person you have control over—that you can change—is yourself.

Accepting the fact that when you blame other people for what is wrong with your life, nothing is ever going to get better.

Realizing that no matter how bad a situation seems in the moment, someone else is surviving, sometimes even thriving, in much more difficult circumstances.

And also…

What you believe about yourself and your limitations will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And, it doesn’t matter how “successful” you seem on the outside if you are miserable on the inside.

When my perception shifted, so did my life. Today I embrace who I am—all of me—the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I am grateful for all of the experiences I’ve encountered.

I realize that I was judging myself far more harshly that anyone else ever could.

I let go of the belief that I had to hide from my past.

I let go of the belief that I was “less than.”

I let go of the belief that I was not worthy.

I no longer pretend.

I share openly and, in claiming my story, it not only helps me but also helps others on their journey. It gives them the courage to share their truth, to stop hiding and start living.

Recovering perfectionist. Student of life. Woman of strength. Overcomer of obstacles. Seeker of growth. Embracer of truth. These are the descriptors I’ve added to my life story. The rich and messy truth of my past makes possible the true success of my todays.

What beliefs are you clinging to that are holding you back? Where in your life are you feeling like a fraud? What are the tough and painful lessons that you can be grateful for today when you look through this new lens of perspective?

Reflect. Journal. Dig deep and find the answers. It’s in this process—in your truth—that you will find true happiness, success, and self-acceptance. It’s where healing begins. It’s where you will find peace.

December 29, 2013
Be Happier with What Is by Letting Go of How Things Should Be

“What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” ~Ralph Marston

Have you ever been stuck and felt like you’re spiraling around the same space over and over? It’s just like Groundhog Day.

Every day, you have new intentions about how it will be different only to be left with the same hollow feelings at the end of the day.

You feel sadness for the dreams of what could have been and maybe even what should have been.

At forty-five I found myself unexpectedly in this place, stuck like my feet were almost tied to the ground. All the usual ways of getting through it weren’t working.

I couldn’t run away from it. I couldn’t push through it. I couldn’t go around it. I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t there.

It just was there. It wouldn’t budge.

I felt overwhelmed and burned out, and no books, courses, or friend’s advice seemed to have an effect.

I just kept coming back to the same point of inertia, always left sitting on the edge of my power.

I had this nagging doubt that as a coach I should know better and somehow be exempt from the stories of resentment, blame, self-criticism, imperfection, and failure that chattered away in the background of my mind. As if I shouldn’t have a low mood because surely I should have figured this one out by now.

They say the only way out is through and that was definitely true for me.

I reached a point where I just had to be in the center of my experience and be with the vulnerability that I was so desperately skirting around the edge of.

It happened by chance while I was on an early morning run with the dog.

It was a fresh, crisp autumn morning, the kind where the blueness of the sky just takes your breath away. My feet were soaking from the wet grass and I was struck by how warm the sunshine was on my face.

I felt the impulse to stop running, sit down on a bench, and close my eyes. I followed my breath and imagined that I was breathing in the sunshine through the top of my head, down into my body, and then out down through the soles of my feet. Then, I reversed it.

I sat doing this, and suddenly out of nowhere an image came up. It was a life plan that I’d written many years back when I was stuck in my last corporate job and trying to figure a way out.

It was on one piece of paper and it had my ages moving up to the age of sixty (anything beyond was considered bonus), alongside my husband’s and kids’. There weren’t many specific landmarks other than the when the kids would take their exams and some dreams I had to run my own business.

What struck me as I saw this image in front of me was how perfected it was.

There were implicit assumptions that I could suddenly see clearly displayed in front of my eyes. There I was through all these ages, the perfect earth mother, always patient, creative, consistent, kind, and loving.

I was a role model holding down a career, coaching, writing, running a successful business, and making a difference in the world. I juggled and balanced with grace and ease. I was a gorgeous wife who looked great, handled all the household stuff without complaint, and was still able to be a sexy goddess.

I never lost my temper or argued. I travelled and adventured through life, felt good about myself, and experienced peace and happiness.

I was perfect in every way and got things right all the time.

Staying with the breath I noticed that I felt really emotional. The emotion was sadness, and for once I allowed myself to be with it. I just sat with my dog sitting next to me on this bench, in the middle of nature, with a mixture of sunshine and tears on my face.

About five minutes passed and I felt a shift. I had an intense clarity that what was keeping me stuck was the tightly held grip I had on how I believed it all should be.

The perfected image that I was holding for my life that was causing me to push against who I truly am. The incessant push to keep improving myself and be anything other than who I actually am.

You see, my real life is messy and very imperfect.

As a mother I’m spontaneous, which often means I’m not consistent and I prickle and get impatient when we don’t attend to the routine things, like homework or tidying up. I get frustrated when it feels like everyone else is making demands and my needs don’t feature.

I often feel like I’m caught in a system where I believe my girls need to be children, discover their passion, and follow their own light spots; but they’re in a school system and culture that believes and reinforces that you need to be above average in everything and learn information that feels irrelevant to them.

I want to praise but I catch myself criticizing when it all piles up and I feel overwhelmed.

I know I open and close my heart in my relationships, and I’m only just beginning to get my head around this whole notion of unconditional love.

Our house moves from being neat and tidy to disorganized and cluttered.

One of the most regular arguments is about where the car keys are and why there’s no petrol in the car and how there’s no time to fill up on the way to drop the kids at school!

These two images—the perfected and the reality—were where my struggle came from.

Every time I bumped up against the perfected image of how I thought I should have been as opposed to how I am, I got twitchy and self-sabotaged by being self-critical and creating my inertia.

It was easier to reach to be anything other than who I am because it reinforced the old familiar story that I am not enough as I am.

It’s this insight that helps me to release and let it go.

What’s left in its place is the reality of my imperfection.

I now see how my desire to be perfect has me lose the very thing that I’m seeking, which is to feel happy and at peace with myself.

The real work, my soul’s work, is to stand in the center of myself and open up the vulnerable part of me that’s scared I really am not enough to make the difference I want to in the world.

The part of me that reaches to be shinier, bolder, smarter, and any other “er” that could help. The part of me that worries I repeat patterns and don’t get it right as a mum. The part of me that so desperately wants to be enough and perfect, which has me react against others that display the perfected image I think I should be. The part of me that feels scared and alone and so separates rather than leans in.

To listen to my soul calling requires me to begin the work of self-acceptance and self-compassion and change my old story of not being enough.

It requires me to let go of needing my work and life to look and be a certain way, and instead be present to how it is now and what wants to unfold.

What I did on that day will improve my tomorrows because I learned to open up my vulnerability, lean into the emotion, be with it, and see it as guidance.

The sadness was there to move me and as soon as I stopped avoiding it, I could hear its wisdom.

Your vulnerability is your biggest permission slip to change your tomorrows. It’s the doorway in to what you’re seeking. It doesn’t make you weak. It gives you strength. It helps you see your limiting story and find your empowering one.

Photo by Hartwig HKD

December 29, 2013
Buddha Doodles: Choose to Believe in Love

Source: Buddha Doodles

December 28, 2013
Find What Gives You Joy

Source: Ups, Downs, & Roundabouts

December 26, 2013
When You’re at the End of Your Rope: 7 Tips to Help Yourself

TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of sexual assault and may be triggering to some people.

“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” ~Bernice Johnson Reagan

During my first year away at college, I struggled with depression and anxiety. I felt broken, hopeless, and lost, and I didn’t know how to cope.

At times, I thought about jumping out of my fourth floor dorm room window.

Thankfully, I didn’t.

It all began on the day I moved into my dorm in August of 2008. My parents took me out to dinner, and right before they dropped me off, they got into an argument.

For most of my life, they were always arguing about something. Many times I chose to simply brush it off and ignore my own hurt feelings. But something about leaving home for the first time made me realize that their turbulent relationship really did bother me.

My roommate hadn’t arrived yet, so I spent my first night at college alone in my dorm room, crying and worrying about how my parents would get along while I was away.

During the first week of classes, I was raped, only I didn’t realize it until weeks later.

I went out with some new friends, and we met two guys who invited us back to their place, where we had a few drinks. My friends left, but I decided to stay.

I told the guy that I wasn’t going to have sex with him, but he didn’t honor my request. At the time, I didn’t see what had happened to me as “rape.” I reasoned that I had let a guy take advantage of me while I was intoxicated.

My denial gradually shifted to self-blame. If only I hadn’t stayed. If only I hadn’t been wearing such a short skirt. If only I hadn’t asked him to cuddle and led the way to his room.

I felt angry and disgusted with myself. I thought it would be easier if I pretended that the rape had never happened.

Throughout my first semester, I also struggled with adapting to a new life away from home.

The shock of being in a new and unfamiliar environment with thousands of people I didn’t know made me feel anxious, overwhelmed, afraid, and alone. I had so much free time, but I felt paralyzed by anxiety and didn’t know what to do when.

I made a few friends, but I didn’t have a solid friend group. I felt lost in a sea of too many faces, and I doubted that anyone even noticed me or cared.

I didn’t feel connected to my university, and I definitely didn’t feel like I belonged. At one point, I thought: I don’t even know who I am.

I had transferred from a community college to a large university to study magazine journalism in a top journalism program, but I was having major doubts.

A few weeks into my classes, I discovered that I hated deadlines and could care less about the news. I also felt intimidated by other journalism students and unsure of my own skills and abilities.

I felt depressed about so many different things at once—the rape, my parent’s toxic marriage, my lack of identity and sense of belonging, and my uncertainty about my major.

I isolated myself inside my dorm room as a way of coping with my struggles. I spent many weekends crying, feeling sorry for myself, and trying to sleep away my pain.

This was not the enjoyable college experience I had envisioned.

I tried to act like everything was okay, but on the inside I was falling apart. I did not want to talk to anyone about any of my struggles. I couldn’t because I felt too ashamed and did not want to be judged.

I avoided my friends and family from back home. I felt vulnerable, and I didn’t want any of them to know what I was going through. I had too much pride to show any weakness.

The only thing that I could do was write. I started a new journal, and I wrote down everything that was bothering me. Writing helped me to identify, explore, and confront my struggles. Most importantly, it gave me a voice.

Eventually, I made a few friends and grew to trust them, and also met a wonderful, supportive guy who is now my boyfriend. I managed to confide in them about a few of my struggles. Speaking out loud about them strengthened my voice and gave me power.

I graduated from college six months ago, and I can’t say that I have completely overcome all of my struggles, but I did manage to confront every one of them.

I wrote until there was nothing left to write. I let my parents know how I feel. I changed my major. I talked to two counselors. I became more involved in college life. I let others in.

It took me years of seeking, exploring, and learning how to help myself in order to get to where I am now. I had to sincerely want to help myself.

Learning how to navigate and help yourself is one of the most important things you can do in life. Only you can truly help yourself—no one else can fix your problems for you. It takes a huge amount of courage and determination to confront your struggles.

Sometimes it will seem easier to ignore them and pretend they don’t exist.

When they begin to surface, the pain might seem like too much to bear. You may just want to give up on yourself and your life.

But in your moments of greatest hardship, you have the ability to pick yourself up and carry on. Knowing and believing that you are worthy of a long, happy existence, you have the power to help yourself.

These are some steps you can take to confront your struggles and help yourself:

1. Admit to yourself that you’re struggling.

So often we lie to ourselves and pretend that we are fine. By admitting to yourself that you are struggling, you acknowledge that what you are experiencing is real. Adding a positive affirmation can also help.

Stand in front of a mirror and say out loud: I am struggling right now, but I know that I can make it through.

2. Write down everything that’s bothering you (even if it seems trivial).

Identify your struggle(s). What is it specifically that you are dealing with?

Identify your feelings. How is this struggle making you feel? Depressed, anxious, terrified?

Identify your needs. What do you need to feel better and overcome this struggle? How can you take good care of yourself? You may need time alone, or you may need to be around others who are supportive.

3. Allow yourself to feel.

When we experience negative emotions, we often try to resist or ignore them. We think to ourselves, “I shouldn’t be feeling angry” or “I don’t want to feel hurt.”

This harmful resistance comes naturally to us, and we do it to protect ourselves, but it only masks the truth and creates more suffering. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel however you are feeling for as long as you need to.

4. Know thyself.

Be aware of specific events or emotions that tend to trigger stress, anxiety, or depression in you. How do you react to stress, pain, loss, etc? When you feel overwhelmed and unable to handle a situation, pay attention to how you deal with it and determine if your coping mechanisms are helping you or hurting you.

Do you smoke to relieve stress? Do you drink or use drugs to escape your problems? Do you withdraw from people and activities? Replace negative coping strategies with positive strategies, such as meditating, exercising, spending time with loved ones, or listening to music.

5. Talk to someone you trust.

Talk to a close friend, spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, counselor, or family member. Sharing your struggles with someone can help you release negative emotions, process what you’re going through, and ease your heavy burden. No one will think less of you for struggling or asking for help.

6. Create a self-help plan.

Make a list of actions you can take the next time you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed. Choose what works best for you for each emotion.

For example, write down: When I feel overwhelmed, I am going to take five deep breaths, paint, and play basketball. Or: When I feel depressed, I am going to listen to uplifting music, write, and talk to a friend.

7. Write a letter of encouragement to yourself.

Use a gentle tone and kind words, as if you are writing to a dear friend. You might be surprised at how comforting it can be to read your own words of hope and encouragement. Tuck the letter away in a special place, and read it the next time you are struggling.

Remember that you are never, ever alone, even though you may feel that way. And know that it’s okay to open up to others; you don’t have to handle this on your own. Opening up requires courage and vulnerability, but it truly is a testament to your inner strength.

One of my favorite quotes from a Tiny Buddha contributor is: “Pain is temporary, but growth is permanent.”

Remember that your struggles only make you stronger—they help you grow and become better prepared for more of life’s challenges.

Photo by Hartwig HKD

December 26, 2013
How to Really Embrace Yourself (Even in the Face of Criticism)

“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” ~Unknown

Sitting at a party minding my own business, I wasn’t expecting it. I had no reason to. A comment filled with sarcasm and authority shot out at me from a across the room.

“Shut up Kathryn.”

It hit me like a bullet aimed straight at my heart.

I wasn’t even aware I was being particularly quiet. I was simply being me. Taking in my surroundings, quietly observing, listening to the conversations that encircled me.

But someone had noticed I was in a quiet mood. And for reasons that I will never fathom, they felt the need to bring it the attention of the entire room.

“Shut up Kathryn,” they smirked.

The comment instantly consumed my thoughts as all eyes turned toward me and sniggers of laughter filtered through the room. As my mind went fuzzy, I grappled for an appropriate response.

But what possible response is there?

As my insecurities were highlighted to anyone who would listen, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Right there and then.

They thought they were being funny. But I found little to laugh about. The pricks of tears welled up as I fought hard to push the pain away, deep inside me. But I had to play along. Had to pretend. Had to smile. Had to laugh. As if all was okay.

But it really, really wasn’t.

And when I got home I cried. Then I cried some more.

I was haunted by three little words that represented everything I felt insecure about: my quiet nature. My introversion. My shyness. The things that I wished I didn’t have to deal with. The things I wished I could change.

When I look back at that day as a teenager, I want to comfort my younger self. To hold her close and whisper in to her ear that it will all be okay. To tell her that she will look back at this day and gain strength from it.

That she will learn to grow, embrace herself for who she is, and feel so empowered; that even though she didn’t dare share her feelings with anyone at the time, as an adult she will find the courage to share this story with you today.

To really embrace your natural persona, to live life in a way that’s completely and utterly true to who you are, and to let go of the words of the critics that may shroud your thoughts, here are three pieces of advice that have worked beautifully for me and which I hold close, if ever I falter.

Surround yourself with support.

Here’s the thing—you aren’t on your own. We all have insecurities, we all face challenges in our lives, and we can all find support if we reach out for it.

Move yourself away from the critics and release their scathing comments from your world. They come from people with their own troubles and you don’t need them in your life.

Instead, surround yourself with the people who make you feel alive—who provide you with support, inspiration, and words of encouragement.

And then turn to these people in times of need. They are the ones you will help you grow, thrive, and learn to love every inch of who you are.

Work out where you shine.

We are all born with wonderful strengths that, if used on a daily basis, can help us find our true calling.

Give yourself the time and space to reflect and then begin to develop a self-awareness and understanding of situations where you feel completely content and comfortable.

These are the moments when you are in ‘flow’—when life feels easy as you start doing the stuff that you were born to do.

By bringing more of these moments into your life, your confidence in your abilities will flourish and your insecurities over time will fade.

Listen to your body and give it what it needs.

I truly believe we all need to listen to our bodies more. If you start your day feeling exhausted and drained, then think about what that means.

You are only human, so give yourself a break. If you feel like resting, then rest. If you crave time and space by yourself, then don’t feel guilty about turning down an invitation to go out with friends.

Nurture your mind, body, and spirit in whatever way it craves, and your strength will surely grow.

Learning to embrace yourself is a journey that can hold many challenges. And if you’ve had to face unhelpful criticism or scathing comments throughout your life, then it can be all the more tricky.

But do you know what? There are amazing ways that you can help yourself and find peace with who you are.

You’ve just got to give yourself the time to grow.

Photo by pshegubj

December 25, 2013
The Best Things in Life Are Free

Source: Chibird

December 24, 2013
A Small Act of Kindness Can Make a Big Difference

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~Dalai Lama

I had an old trench coat that was balled up on the floor of my garage, gathering dust near the washing machine. It was raining. It was unusually cold (for California, anyway).

I was driving home when I saw a man in a short sleeved shirt wandering through our neighborhood, pushing a shopping cart. He was walking painfully slow. He was dripping wet.

I paused at the intersection to my street and watched him for several minutes, thinking. My heart was heavy seeing him move so slowly, so wet, so cold. I suddenly remembered the crumpled-up coat. But what if I needed it sometime in the future? A story I had once heard at a church conference came to mind.

An Inspiring Story of Kindness

Two boys walked down a road that led through a field. The younger of the two noticed a man toiling in the fields of his farm, his good clothes stacked neatly off to the side.

The boy looked at his older friend and said, “Let’s hide his shoes so when he comes from the field, he won’t be able to find them. His expression will be priceless!” The boy laughed.

The older of the two boys thought for a moment and said, “The man looks poor. See his clothes? Let’s do this instead: Let’s hide a silver dollar in each shoe and then we’ll hide in these bushes and see how he reacts to that, instead.” (more…)

December 24, 2013
25 Ways to Make a Difference in the World Every Day

“The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear.” ~Socrates

When I started Tiny Buddha, my main goal was to make a positive difference. I think that’s a goal many of us share.

I’ve stumbled upon countless blog and books written by people who say their purpose in life is to help people.

I suspect it’s how most of us infuse our lives with meaning: trying to somehow leave the world a better place than we found it.

I recently read a somewhat old blog post by ex-Microsoft employee Scott Berkun that got me thinking about this collective fascination with making a difference in the world. He wrote:

“We rarely need big things. As soon as someone starts talking about changing the world or radically reinventing something odds are good he’s talking from his ego, not his heart. Unless he’s working on bringing safety to the scared, health to the sick, or opportunity to the poor, the reinvention serves a want (or an ego), not a need.”

He went to explain how on his last day at Microsoft, he gave a lecture and one of his colleagues thanked him for the first time, saying he’d never expressed his admiration before because he assumed it was apparent. According to Scott:

“…it takes a better man to acknowledge goodness in others than it does to merely be good oneself. Anyone can criticize or accept praise, but initiating a positive exchange is a hallmark of a difference maker.”

What a beautiful idea. I couldn’t agree more. (more…)

December 24, 2013