Ellen Page is my new hero. Her honesty, her vulnerability, her courage, her compassion, her message of hope. Five amazing reasons to dedicate nine minutes to this video. If you’re anything like me, you’ll get to the end with goosebumps and gratitude for the powerful reminder to shine your light.
Tag: wisdom
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Why Love Addiction Deprives Us of Love, and How to Let It In
“What we seek in love is finding someone with whom we feel safe to reveal our true self.” ~Karen Salmansohn
I wasn’t always in a relationship, but I was almost always in love.
I even had crushes in kindergarten. I hated school because my grade school teacher didn’t like me. Maybe my crushes helped me avoid feeling the void, the loneliness, and the sense that I was not of this world, an outcast.
Being in love let me ignore those uncomfortable feelings. Of course, I did not understand any of this at age six. Now I do.
As an adult, I wanted a lover because I wanted someone to treat me better than I treated myself. I wanted him to fall in love and stay in love with me. I wanted this because I needed something as desperately as the desert needs water: to feel good about myself.
I wanted someone to mirror back to me the good he saw in me—my beauty, intelligence, and worth.
I wanted someone to accept and appreciate my quirks, even when I didn’t. I wanted someone to see me for once. I wanted to be okay in the eyes of one person, at least. It never occurred to me that that “one person” needed to be me.
I also waited for a life partner to enjoy life. His love would protect me. I had no guarantee that I would not hurt again, but if there was one person guaranteed to love me, then I could endure other disappointments that life would throw at me.
I wouldn’t go camping, to concerts, or even to the Sunday market unless I had someone with me who was “the one.” I missed out on so much while I waited for the love blanket to protect me so I could feel safe enough to discover myself.
I was a love addict. And I didn’t know it.
Society pushes this notion on us. Vacation ads feature happy couples. Valentine’s Day comes and people post pictures from their night of love on Facebook. Meanwhile, we lonely love addicts make do with heart-shaped chocolates purchased on sale one day too late.
How much of life I allowed myself to miss! Instead of drowning in regret, I faced the truth and noted the signs of my love addiction. Maybe these symptoms will seem familiar to you:
- You’re preoccupied with your love objects—checking their Facebook page, Googling them (many times), daydreaming about them. They become our dreams!
- An email, text, or smile from your love object, it all sends you into ecstasy. But the next day, the void and the longing come back. The fix has lost its effect.
- You listen to your love object’s voicemail repeatedly and save them… forever.
- You gush about your love object any chance you get. And you project qualities you can’t own in yourself, shadow or light, onto them, because it is safer. (For example, you may detest your partner for arrogance, a quality that you deny in yourself, or idolize them for their talent, which you’ve never allowed yourself to express.)
I am thirty-nine years old. This awareness is relatively new for me. When my last addictive relationship ended, for the first time I experienced what a heartache is.
After we broke up, he went off to date the woman we had the biggest fights over. That broke my heart. But it also showed me that I did the right thing by leaving him. At that point, I realized he was more wounded than I was. That did give me some relief but didn’t really take the pain of self-betrayal away.
I lost thirteen pounds in three weeks and had to drive myself to the ER.
At ninety-seven pounds, I couldn’t eat. I knew my life was in danger and even wondered if my heart was bleeding. With compassion, the ER doctor said, “You will heal, I know, because you were strong enough to drive yourself here.”
Yes! Right then, I began the excruciating but necessary journey into Self.
I discovered and felt in my body how much I was depriving myself of life by getting addicted to the crumbs of love—when I actually wanted the whole loaf. I realized that I had never really believed I deserved that much.
Then, I fell in love again. Just when I thought I was done, for a while at least. He had a similar past, so we immediately bonded.
During our six-week relationship, I recovered from my love addiction. We used the relationship as a love lab and processed all the feelings and thoughts that came up. We swore to radical honesty and kept our word. With full transparency, we found out what happens when we just show up as ourselves—addictions and all.
We made passionate love, shared breakfast in bed, went to the farmer’s market on Sundays, did grocery shopping, and kissed at the most beautiful spots on the island.
He rubbed my feet as I fell asleep, and I lathered sunblock lotion on his body before we took off to the beach. I went snorkeling with him, and we swam naked in secret, secluded beaches with only turtles for discreet company.
I understood he would move back to New York and it would end, and I appreciated this gift from the Universe, as he helped me be okay with loving someone. Period. No desperate attachment. I knew he didn’t owe it to me to stay with me forever.
I discovered that my feelings were my own. I, not the other, was the source of my feelings.
I wasn’t born with my feelings for him. I had created them. I had allowed them. And I was going to love Jim, Mike, Darren, and Chris in the future the same way. I realized they were the objects of my love, but they were not the bearer of it. I was.
Oh, what a relief! What a blessing to overcome love addiction in the thick of an intense, beautiful connection. I was sad when he left, but I was not left with nothing. I had a happy life and fulfilling work. This was all new for me and I felt so light and free.
The truth is, when you are a love addict, you have way less love in your life than you were aiming for.
Ironic, isn’t it? The reason is simple: Making one person the only source of love does not work because love is in everything and everyone. When we miss that, we miss the point of life. Really.
I now see love in all forms—in the guy bagging my groceries so diligently, in the blissful expression on my best friend’s face as she comes out of her massage session, or in the way the 7/11 guy jokes about my glasses that are too big for my face. Witnessing these things is love. So is painting my toenails while watching an Eckhart Tolle video on YouTube.
I missed all this while I was hooked on someone. I missed life. I missed myself.
I hope I live long enough to pass this onto my kids when I have them. If I have a daughter, I will teach her about real love so that she does not end up experiencing what I did. I will teach her that even if I am her mother and love her to death, she owes me nothing because she deserves it by just being her.
We all do.
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How to Fall Back in Love With Your Life
“If we look at the world with a love of life, the world will reveal its beauty to us.” ~Daisaku Ikeda
Ever found yourself in a rut, just waiting for some force of the Universe to pull you out?
When ennui sets in, it can be hard to find a way back into the light, but it typically takes a series of events and choices for us to be living a life out of sync with our personal goals, values, and passions.
Last year, I found myself in one of these ruts. After spinning my wheels for quite some time, I realized my so-called attempts at improving my circumstances were a farce—I was just exhausting my energy waiting for a savior to come to my rescue.
Finally, when that savior never came, I snapped out of it and acknowledged I don’t live in some fantasy novel, and can’t invoke, by sheer will, a knight in shining armor. As Alice Sebold wrote in her memoir, Lucky, “You save yourself or you remain unsaved.”
At the time, I was in a job I had long outgrown. A job that no longer provided challenge, growth, or even companionship. This alone had come to impact everything else in my life.
Spending solitary day after solitary day was taking its toll, zapping my energy. By the end of the day, I no longer had anything left and didn’t want to do the things I normally enjoyed, like yoga or meeting with friends. I even struggled to regularly apply to new positions, disappointed and despairing with each rejection.
Since I had just completed my masters program, I felt even more frustrated at my prospects. Had I just wasted three years of my life pursuing a degree that didn’t fit with my values or goals? Would I need to go to school all over again?
Too many unanswered questions left me feeling hopeless and unmotivated.
Then I met Hazel, a career coach I instantly connected with. It took me a few months, but I finally called her to schedule a session.
Hazel helped me work through my self-limiting beliefs, determine my values—and value—and recognize that I could live authentically right now. I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Here’s what I learned:
1. Take the long way home.
Sometimes it takes a literal change in perspective to change your mental perspective. During a week when my car was in the shop, I decided to walk home instead of catching the bus.
It was raining outside, and the walk was at least seven miles, but I had nowhere to be. Some of the roads I took were roads I’d never taken before and some I’d driven many times. All of them were new to me that day.
When I first moved to Denver, I walked everywhere, and everything was magical because it was new and special and offered up so much possibility. After being here for three years, the novelty had worn off and it was familiar—and the magic and possibility I felt at twenty-four seemed to have worn off with it.
This walk brought me back the basics and opened my heart back up to the magic. I didn’t have to move to a new place, a place that would also inevitably become home and lose its magic if I let it. I just had to change my perspective.
When we get bored or restless, we don’t necessarily have to move on. By taking the long way home, I fell back in love with my town, and by changing my physical perspective, I was able to see all of the possibilities that had been there all along.
2. Move.
I highly encourage movement to be a part of your daily life. Like anyone else, I can and will find excuses not to get outdoors or to yoga, but when I do, I feel recharged, centered, and empowered. Movement does this faster and better than anything else I’ve found.
There’s a funny saying that if you stand on your head for a few minutes every day, you’ll change your perspective. I think this goes movement, too. When you shift your focus through movement, you start to see things a little differently, and the possibilities open up again.
3. Surround yourself with the right people.
There’s nothing wrong with relating to people or venting every now and again, but it’s also important to surround yourself with people and conversations that leverage enthusiasm, excitement, and satisfaction. Spend time with people who build you up, see and encourage your strengths, and who are, themselves, living authentically.
Energy is contagious, and if you’re around positive energy and speaking with others in terms of positivity, you’ll begin to restructure your thinking, and, ultimately, the way you see and experience the world around you.
4. Be present.
I know, I know—this one’s been said before. But it can’t be said enough. One of the main reasons people feel dissatisfaction with their life is because they’re missing it.
When we’re not present, we become a little numb.
Taking in this very moment as it is, truly engaging—rather than living in your head, thinking about what comes next, or brooding (or pining) over what has past—can really heighten your appreciation and keep you from feeling that sense of emptiness that results from living somewhere other than the here and now.
You may even be surprised by how easy it is to learn new things or remember pieces of information when you start to fully tune in.
5. Identify your values.
I had to identify human connection as one of my top values before I realized there was nothing wrong with me just because I couldn’t work in isolation. Once I recognized what was vital to my emotional well-being, I could pursue a life that ensured my values were a part of my daily world.
What are your values? We often admire others and think we should be doing what they are doing to be successful and satisfied with our lives. In actuality, we probably admire them because they are living out their own truth. Authenticity is attractive, not quality X, Y or Z.
Look within, not to others, to find your values; once you do, figure out how they can be put into action so you are living your most authentic life, and start taking steps, large or small, to make them your reality.
6. Serve others.
Ever notice how a little time in your head can help clarify things, while too much time just makes everything murkier? Get out of there, already!
I hate to say it, but we (and I include myself in this statement) are a bit of a self-absorbed society. When we’re always thinking about me, myself and I, we become quickly dissatisfied. Maybe it’s too much time spent with unproductive thoughts or a lack of connectedness, but this self-absorption can quickly bring us down.
The surest way to stop thinking about yourself is to start thinking about someone else. When you do something for someone else—out of love, compassion or connectedness—not obligation, you might find you’ve forgotten your troubles, and life actually feels fuller, more meaningful.
I believe we are all connected and thus all have our own roles to play in which we contribute to the collective good. When we connect to that role, we simultaneously connect to our purpose and to each other, filling up that hollowness we can get when we’re not feeling so in love with our life.
Falling back in love with your life requires a little determination and reflection, but mostly it’s about letting go and just tuning in—to your most authentic self and to the world and people around you.
Photo by bellaleb-photo
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Honoring Our Inner Voices to Make the Right Choices for Us
“Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” ~Walter Anderson
After high school I moved to the northern tip of Vancouver Island to live with my aunt and uncle and work at their fishing resort. It was a busy tourist destination at the time. Every summer the town filled with young people, home from university and eager to earn money.
I loved my time up there. I met many interesting, colorful people from around the world who came to fish, whale watch, kayak, or merely experience the exquisite natural beauty this area has to offer.
My aunt and uncle were incredible mentors, and I developed a strong work ethic from my time with them. I normally juggled three to four jobs, so most of my waking time was spent working in the service industry.
I stayed there for a couple of winters and went to the community college, while also working at my various jobs. I worked hard to save up money to do a bit of traveling and to go toward my education.
I went on an amazing adventure to Australia and New Zealand with my best friend from childhood. Afterward, I returned to my life with my aunt and uncle to work and save more money to go to school in the city, which was closer to where I was from.
During that time I met a young man who had grown up in this small town. He had a nice family and was a good person, and for the sake of this story, we’ll call him Bill.
While I was working and busy, my life was very unbalanced and there was no time for a social life (outside of traveling). I enjoyed having Bill in my life for companionship and to have some resemblance of a social life that most nineteen-year-olds surround themselves with.
Naturally, my aunt and uncle weren’t pleased about my relationship with Bill. While I didn’t see it at all at the time, I realize now that they saw something in me I didn’t see in myself. I had big dreams for my life and spent hours talking to my aunt about travel, education, and plans for my future.
Bill didn’t have these same aspirations for his life. His looked much different than mine. By different, I don’t me better or worse; we just didn’t have the same passions or much in common other than where we lived at the time.
Nevertheless, Bill and I were convinced it was a good idea for him to move and go to school with me, even though he was most comfortable and happy where he was.
During this time together, it became clear to me, and him too I’m sure, that we weren’t actually a great fit and didn’t really bring out the best things in each other. However, we were young and didn’t have a lot else to compare our relationship to. We had become a security blanket to each other during this transitional time of life.
We separated for a short time and instead of parting ways, which would have been the most natural and reasonable thing to do, we got back together and got engaged!
Looking back, I so clearly see how lost and stuck I was. My inner voice was screaming at me to take chances, be bold, and chase my dreams, but my lack of confidence and fear of pretty much everything made it so much easier to play it safe with Bill.
By safe I don’t mean comfortable and content. I mean it was a good distraction and reason to not be true to who I was.
I was so stuck and suffocated by my fear of being seen and dreaming big that it was much easier to put my blinders on and hide away with someone who didn’t at all want the same things that I truly did.
I remember our wedding day so clearly. I was twenty-three at the time, and the overwhelming sense of fear and dread was paralyzing, I felt like a fraud in my own life. I was in tears and couldn’t articulate my feelings of regret to my bridesmaids and grandfather, all eager to walk me down to Bill.
We chalked it up to nerves, and once again I stuffed down my inner voice that was screaming to me to wake up. Besides, at the time I would have never in a million years risked disappointing the people who had come that day to wish us well, even though I knew in my heart it was not right.
I was so lost that I didn’t want to admit my mistake to myself or to wake up and begin living the life I yearned to live. I am pretty sure I may have carried on unhappily and lost forever after.
I was so deep in the muck of denial that I don’t know if I ever would have made the brave choice to let Bill know we had made a mistake.
Instead, we stayed together, he living on one end of the island working, me on the other going to university. After a year of this, it was Bill who mustered up the courage to admit we weren’t a good fit and that he didn’t want the same things I did.
I’m sure there were many people waiting to see me crumble after being ‘dumped’ by Bill. I was just so relieved that I couldn’t bear to spend time giving thought to anything other than the fact I felt like I could breathe again.
While it did take a bit of time to get on my feet and back onto my path, I was finally starting to listen and honor my inner voice.
I made a pact with myself to start trusting myself and begin doing things that were uncomfortable and out of my reach to stretch and grow. I didn’t ever want to return to that place where I allowed myself to lose faith in myself.
I use this failed relationship story as an example because it had a huge impact on my life and learning. For me, the lesson isn’t just about what a happy, healthy relationship looks like vs. an unhappy, unhealthy relationship.
It’s so much more about the importance of allowing our inner voice to be heard and honored, not just in relationships but in everything we do in life.
Trusting myself has been a huge life lesson and one I continue to practice and learn from.
Life looks different for me now. I have been very happily married for eight years and am on the path that feels right and natural. We bring out the best in each other and are supportive of each other’s hopes and dreams. I now listen and give my inner voice the respect it deserves.
Of course, life still presents challenges, but when I find myself feeling unsettled or staying in the place of self-doubt for longer than necessary, I do what I can to get clear and be honest with myself, instead of hiding or stuffing away my true feelings.
Writing is an excellent tool that I use to help me gain clarity in situations, or when I need to make big decisions. I also find it helpful to go for a run or exercise to clear busy thoughts and create the necessary space to be able to tap into what feels right.
I believe that when we allow ourselves to find the space to hear our own truth, more often than not our inner self will have the answers and wisdom that will steer us in the direction we most need at the time.
Photo by Graeme Law
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How the Word “Should” Can be Harmful and 3 Empowering Alternatives
“To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.” ~Sven Goran Eriksson
How many times a day do you use the word “should” in reference to yourself or other people? I don’t know about you, but I used to use it a lot.
The word “should” has become a fixture in our everyday dialogue. We use it in conversation with others, as a way of motivating ourselves or keeping ourselves in check, and to express a myriad of feelings, including frustration, guilt, and regret.
As I’ve become more interested in my internal dialogue and how it affects the way I feel about myself, show up in the world, and live my life, I’ve started to realize just how insidious the word “should” can be.
Although I used to “should” myself about a variety of things, many times each day, I realized that telling myself I should be doing more or being more wasn’t actually helping me do more or be more, and it left me feeling like I wasn’t enough as I was.
Equally, I realized that when I told other people they should or shouldn’t do something, I wasn’t respecting their ability to make the best decisions for themselves. That didn’t fit with my personal philosophy (that people are free to do what they want as long as they’re not harming others), and I knew I wasn’t being the best friend or partner while I was using “should”-based vocabulary.
Since I had these realizations, I’ve been on a quest to replace my “should” with alternative vocabulary that is healthier and more accepting—both of myself and of other people. The longer I’m on this quest, the more I realize the damage the word “should” does to our self-relationship and our relationships with others. Here is what I’ve discovered so far:
Two Major Problems with Using the Word “Should”
When we use the word “should,” we’re not accepting reality. We’re talking about things that we wish were so, but aren’t (or vice versa). Whenever I used the word “should” when talking to myself, it was motivated by a lack of self-acceptance rather than encouragement.
As Dr. Shad Helmstetter explains in his book What to Say When You Talk to Yourself, when we tell ourselves that we “should” be doing something, we’re implicitly reinforcing the idea that we’re not doing it.
If we say to ourselves “I should really meditate more often,” the unspoken follow-up to that sentence is “…but I don’t.
Equally, if we say, “I should really be exercising this morning,” the unspoken ending to that sentence is “…but I’m not.”
In the long-term, when we tell ourselves or other people that we should or they should be doing something (as well-meaning as we might be), we’re reinforcing the negative, and the fact that we or they are not doing it.
Alternatives to “Should”
I won’t pretend that removing the word “should” from my vocabulary has been easy, or that I’ve arrived and currently inhabit a “should”-free existence. I used to use the word “should” a lot and, in truth, I think it’s something I’ll have to keep an eye on for the rest of my life.
For now, however, I’ve found some alternatives helpful in overcoming my habit of “should”-ing myself and other people.
1. Focus on the benefits.
Instead of telling myself I “should” be doing more of something, I try to focus on why I want to do that particular thing.
Instead of saying “I should do more yoga,” I remind myself of why I want to do this: “I feel great when I do yoga a few times each week,” “I enjoy feeling myself relax and stretch out when I do yoga,” or “I feel a greater sense of self-connection when I make time to connect my body and my breathing in yoga.”
2. Focus on how the activity fits with your values.
One of the biggest things I used to “should” myself about was being on time. I struggled to turn up on time for work, appointments, meeting up with friends, and pretty much anything that was due to start at a set time. It was a constant battle with myself and, of course, telling myself “You should be on time” or “You shouldn’t be late” did nothing to change my tardiness.
Instead, I started reframing this from the perspective of my values. I started telling myself “It’s really important to me to be on time,” or “I want to live with integrity and do what I say I’m going to do, when I say I’m going to do it.”
3. Focus on accepting and exploring reality.
I used to think that I shouldn’t feel angry or jealous. I had heard they were “unhealthy” feelings to experience and had the belief that there was something wrong with me for feeling that way. No matter how much I told myself that I shouldn’t feel these things, however, they didn’t go away.
Now, I focus on accepting my experience. Instead of telling myself “I shouldn’t be feeling/thinking _____,” I take a step back and say, “Okay, I’m feeling/thinking _____. I wonder why that’s happening now?”
Removing the word “should” from your vocabulary will take time, patience, and practice. But it is possible, and it comes with great rewards. Replacing “should” with more helpful dialogue will lead to a kinder relationship with yourself, and better relationships with the people around you too.
Photo by Hartwig HKD
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Keep Shining Your Light, Even When You Feel Broken
“I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.” ~Hafiz
I keep a prism hanging near the entrance to my home. Its beauty, made possible only by the broken nature of the glass from which it is constructed, serves as a constant reminder that even the broken pieces within each and every one of us can serve as a source of light. It’s a lesson that took me some time to learn.
Shortly after graduating from college, I took a long, brutally honest look at my life and realized that it had become stagnant and nearly joyless. I was entrenched in a profoundly unhappy relationship, working too much, and laughing too little. I decided then to make a change.
I acknowledged that the lies I told myself—that I was unlovable, somehow broken, or a victim of an abusive past—had created a world in which deep happiness was seen only in glimpses.
I accepted as truth that I had not just a right to find happiness but a duty to do so, and I dedicated myself to its pursuit. I ended that relationship, negotiated better hours at work, and set my mind to finding joy.
On an academic level, I did everything I could to ensure the growth of my spirit: I cultivated meaningful relationships, I kept a gratitude journal, I did yoga. I read and discussed countless books and articles about age-old wisdom and the secrets of happiness.
Through dedicated action and a commitment to growth, I was able to rewire my brain to invite and accept happiness in myriad ways.
But, on a personal level, my path was less clear. Some days I was astonished by the sheer beauty of life and felt fully connected and present. I had profound moments of clarity in which I knew that I was a part of the great fabric of the universe and, as such, deeply beautiful.
But some days old patterns of dysfunctional thought would creep in.
I was astounded to find that my perception of my appearance could throw an entire morning off, or that I still struggled to understand why any person should love me.
I battled disappointment and sadness as I grappled with those unwelcome thoughts. In those moments of darkness, I began to question whether I had grown at all.
Meanwhile, friends, family members, and acquaintances would confide in me that my approach to life, cheerful nature, and natural light was an inspiration to them. As I shared some of the wisdom that I had learned during my journey toward self-discovery, I helped those around me ease their own suffering. Yet, still I questioned myself.
I wondered, “How can I help anyone else when I don’t feel whole?”
It was during one of those moments of deep uncertainty that a dear friend urged me to acknowledge my own light.
He asked me to imagine a world in which I hadn’t shared my joy, a place devoid of the little transformations I had made.
I had to admit that if I had allowed those moments of darkness to overshadow the clarity I had achieved, the world would be a tiny bit less bright. I acknowledged that it was my duty to prevent that.
I had to set aside fear—fear that I was not good enough, not complete enough—in order to allow my light to shine.
There is a quote by Stephen Cope, from The Great Work of Your Life, that I have hanging in my bedroom. It reads, “Each of us feels some aspect of the world’s suffering acutely. And we must pay attention. We must act. This little corner of the world is ours to transform. This little corner of the world is ours to save.”
With that in mind, I am able to act—to offer love, support, help, and kindness when I can. I am able to shine. It is, in fact, our suffering that allows us to transform the little corner of the world that is ours.
The path to self-growth is not linear. It is a meandering journey through mountains and valleys, and occasionally there are more lows than highs. But it is a journey ever onward, and it is our light—that same light that exists in every one of us—that guides the way, if only we allow it to shine.
Invite yourself to embrace every aspect of your being. Perhaps there will be times that you feel less than whole, but when those moments come, encourage yourself to remember a time when you made the world a more positive place. Regardless of where you are on your path, that moment mattered.
The moment you share your light, the world becomes a brighter place.
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Dealing with Depression: 10 Ways to Feel Positive and Peaceful
“Once you choose hope, anything is possible.” ~Christopher Reeve
I have suffered from depression since I was a teenager. My experiences have also caused severe post-traumatic stress disorder.
My father has been abandoning me for my whole life. As a teenager, I went to live with him because my relationship with my mother was so difficult. He sexually abused me for the year that I lived with him.
At the age of seventeen, I sought solace by turning to what I thought was God. For the next twenty-eight years I held a set of beliefs that were angry and judgmental and made me feel cut off from others, including my family and those in my own church.
Because of my experiences with my father and the church, I had a hard time living in the moment and enjoying life. I lived with low self-esteem and had trouble establishing healthy boundaries in relationships, which caused me to continue to create painful interactions with others.
When I was forty-five years old, I sought relief from my depression and loneliness through self-help books. I quickly found my way to author and publisher Louise Hay and began my journey of enlightenment and healing.
Over the last couple of years, through therapy and continued reading, I have discovered some tools to help me feel more positive, peaceful, and joyful. I notice when I use them consistently, I recover faster from periods of depression. Perhaps they will help you, too, when you are feeling depressed.
1. Focus on self-love.
Some ways to do that are: be patient and compassionate with yourself, release perfectionist standards, remind yourself of all your wonderful qualities and talents, and give yourself praise and encouragement.
Doing a self-love meditation is especially comforting and uplifting for me. I talk to myself like I would to someone else that I want to express love to. It feels amazing to give myself what I want and need.
2. Listen to your inner child, without resistance.
Allow her to feel and express what she is going through and grieve when she needs to. Let him know that you are always there to listen and to love him.
When my inner child feels angry, I validate and soothe her. I let her know that she deserves to have relationships that feel good and have healthy boundaries within them.
3. Notice how you feel in your body when you are upset.
As you observe your unpleasant sensations, name them. For instance, I feel heaviness in my chest, I feel like crying, my arms are warm, my head feels like it’s going to explode, my stomach hurts, my muscles are tight.
As you simply allow your sensations to be, you will notice that they start to dissipate on their own. Try it. You will be amazed.
When I do this exercise, I may also notice the thoughts that are causing the troubling sensations. I have learned that in spite of my unpleasant sensations, I can still hold a positive thought or belief and when I do, I feel better.
So, I may say something like this to myself, “In spite of all of these unpleasant sensations, I know that things can work out the way that I want them to.”
4. Ask someone else for what you need.
One day I was feeling very disconnected from others, so I called a friend of mine and asked if she had time to come by and give me a hug. She said she loves hugs and she came over for a short visit to give me one, which gave me the sense of connection that I needed and wanted to feel.
Here are some examples of things you might ask for: a massage, a favor, someone to listen to you or to help you problem-solve, or a date with your partner or a friend or family member.
Something I do on a regular basis is ask the Universe for a gift. I always get what is perfect for me at that time. Sometimes a wonderful new thought fills my mind and lifts me up or I receive guidance on an important issue, and other times I receive an unexpected monetary gift or an interaction with someone that makes me feel loved or appreciated.
5. Participate in enjoyable activities to help you get out of your head and into the present moment.
Some things you can do are: meditate, spend time with (or call) a friend or family member, read, do a hobby that you love, listen to music, take a hot bath, watch your favorite television show or a movie, or treat yourself to something you have been wanting.
Spending time in nature helps me to ground myself in the present moment. It gives me an inexplicable peace and joy that surprises and rejuvenates me. I love going to the lake or for a walk or sitting on my porch, which has a beautiful view of the most wonderful trees.
6. Focus on the thought “All things are possible.”
You don’t have to know how you will receive your desires and you don’t have to figure anything out. Just rest, knowing that the possibilities will unfold.
I specifically remind myself that it is possible for me to: feel well physically and emotionally, be fulfilled and prosperous, and have love, joy, and peace in my life. When I do this, I sometimes get excited as I anticipate the changes and miracles to come.
7. Use a visualization to release your painful thoughts.
In your mind’s eye, place negative thoughts on leaves and watch them gently float away downstream, or place the troubling words on cars of a freight train and watch them zoom away.
When I do these exercises, I place distance between myself and what is bothering me, and I feel lighter.
8. Practice gratitude for the good times.
Notice when you are not depressed and take the time to be fully present in those moments and appreciate them. Notice how it feels in your body to not be depressed.
Now that I am more aware of when I am feeling good, when depression hits, I know that I am not always depressed. I acknowledge that this too shall pass.
9. Be productive.
Sometimes what you need to get out of the pit of depression is to be productive. You may get depressed because you are not getting important things done, or you may be depressed and therefore not get important things done. In both of these cases, productivity may make you feel good about yourself and lift your mood significantly.
When I feel depressed, I don’t feel like doing anything. So, I tell myself, “In spite of how I feel in my body and these upsetting thoughts, I am going to wash my dishes (or any other activity) anyway.” Once I get one thing done, I feel a sense of accomplishment and am usually motivated to get other things done.
10. Let love in.
Surround yourself with positive and loving people and healthy relationships. I remind myself that I deserve to have relationships that feel good and nourishing to me. I may give myself space in certain relationships and release others that are not working for me.
I remember that people do love me, even if they don’t show it the way that I want. I know they are doing the best they can, and if they don’t love themselves, then they are not going to know how to love me. I forgive them for the ways they have hurt me or let me down, and that gives me some peace.
I consistently practice using my tools when I feel depressed and I know that the saying “practice makes perfect” is not true. My human self will never be perfect, and that is okay.
Not all of my tools will work every time to help me move through depression. Sometimes I use just one tool and other times, I use additional ones. I listen to myself so I will know each time what I need. And you can do the same.
*This post represents one person’s personal experience and advice. If you’re struggling with depression and nothing seems to help, you may want to contact a professional.
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Tiny Girl with Huge Wisdom
Feeling down on yourself and worrying about what others think of you? Take a page from young Breanna Youn’s book…
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Want More Joy in Life? Prioritize Things You Enjoy Doing
“I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.” ~Joseph Campbell
Because I am self-employed, I often find that my work is my life. There is no off switch when the day is over. Some days I get so caught up in the busyness that I completely forget myself.
While my work is immensely meaningful and enjoyable, I believe it’s important to have other activities outside of work that bring us joy so we can live even fuller lives.
When I get too caught up in my work of helping others, I forget the other things that are important to me. This makes me feel that I lack the balance of a multifaceted life.
One day I realized that I was so caught up in helping other people that I completely forgot to help myself. As an introvert, it’s important to recharge my batteries by pursuing activities that recharge the soul.
So I sat down with a pen and paper and did what most busy people do: I wrote a list.
This was a list with a difference.
I wrote down every single activity I enjoy. I wrote down every single activity I hadn’t tried but wanted to. And I wrote down every single place I wanted to visit.
This was the beginning of actively creating joy in life. You can make of life what you will. Personally, I choose happiness.
In positive psychology, a method for finding happiness and joy is being in a state of flow. You already know this feeling. It’s when you are completely tied up in what you are doing and you lose track of time because you are so engaged and stimulated in your activity.
Often, activities that put us in a state of flow are creative—things like painting, playing music, cooking, sewing, reading, writing, and doing arts and crafts.
Other activities that often put us in this flow state are physical. This could be gardening, hiking, bike riding, yoga, golf, and any other physical activities we enjoy.
For ultimate happiness and health, I believe it’s important to pursue both creative and physical activities. Stimulating your mind and body leads to greater intelligence and a heightened state of awareness.
Some might say to get into a state of flow you need to get a hobby. I think perhaps this is true. When was the last time you heard someone say they have a hobby?
Hobbies seem to be something of the past. Today we are so busy. We get so caught up in work, family, relationships, pleasing other people, and technology that we forget to do the things we enjoy for ourselves.
This is where my list came into play. It ended up being a multi-page list of every hobby I ever had, every activity I enjoy, and every activity I wanted to try. I then made it a priority to do at least one “happiness activity” every week.
Taking time out of our regular day-to-day work and finding new ways to enjoy life is essential to our happiness and well-being.
If your life is very busy, do not be fooled into thinking you have no time for hobbies. Everyone has fifteen minutes available, even if it cuts into your sleep or email time.
Although fifteen minutes may not feel like enough time to get into a state of flow, it is enough time to feel joy and happiness. With a bit of practice, you might find you get into such a state of flow that fifteen minutes turns into an hour. Over time, you may find that these pursuits of happiness overtake the importance of busyness.
If you think you have no hobbies now, the best way to find out what you enjoy is to remind yourself what you enjoyed as a child. Did you previously enjoy baking? Or drawing, or playing music, or playing football?
Write yourself a list of every activity you ever enjoyed and every activity you’d like to try but haven’t yet. Pick one thing that you previously enjoyed immensely, and set yourself an appointment to give it a go again. When you are ready, set an appointment for one new activity you have never tried before.
Your life could be transformed by this one simple act: making it a priority to do the things you enjoy.
Ideally, you want to set time for this daily. I completely understand that this is difficult to do. At a bare minimum, you want to schedule it in weekly.
Personally, I like to set aside one day every week to go for a hike. But sometimes if I don’t have time for that, I like to pick up my flute and improvise. If I only have a spare fifteen minutes to do this, I find the time just flies by, and it only feels like five minutes.
Doing something like this is so good for my soul. I find that if I don’t schedule flow time, then I feel tired and overwhelmed with life. It is so important to me that I actually write it down in my diary and stick to it like any other important appointment.
We can all experience more joy in our lives. We just need to consciously choose to create it.
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Jump Off the Busy Train for a Simpler, More Passion-Filled Life
“What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.” ~Unknown
A few years ago I was on the busy track. I was working a corporate nine-to-five job, studying at night, and trying to keep up a busy social life. I thought I was achieving it all by doing so many things at once, but really, I was just burning myself out.
My life was a busy blur. I’d start my weeks feeling tired and end them completely exhausted. Time was a constant challenge. I was always rushing from one thing to the next, and in the little down time I gave myself off, I’d be so completely exhausted that all I could do was slump into the lounge chair and fall asleep in front of the television.
Between working a high-pressure full-time job, studying my nights away, and maintaining a busy social life on the weekend, there was little time for me to just be. In the midst of the daily rush, there was no reflection or alone time. There was just busyness.
Feeling this way, it didn’t take me long to realize that it was not what I wanted for myself. I was rarely happy or at ease, and I was feeling the strain big time. I pushed myself for answers and I realized that my pursuit of “doing it all” was in vain. I simply wasn’t happy.
I wasn’t enjoying my job, and although it paid well and had some great career prospects, it drained every ounce of enthusiasm I had and left me dry.
It would leave me feeling so dry that I’d throw myself into action during every ounce of time I had spare, to the point of exhaustion, as if to try and salvage those wasted forty-plus hours a week I’d spent at work.
I was studying a design course three nights a week to make up for my lack of passion for my job and I was out all weekend drowning my sorrows, rewarding myself for just getting through another lackluster week.
It was madness and something I couldn’t keep doing. Every day drained me and ate away at me just a little more, but still, time went on. The days became weeks and the weeks flowed into months.
I wanted to jump off the busy train, but making a change was hard. Though I knew that my job wasn’t where my passions lied, I couldn’t just throw it all in and quit. I had bills to pay and my love of design was just that at the time—a love, not a moneymaker.
I struggled for months with this decision, thinking of every possible way I could make things work. But none of them compelled me to action. The truth was, I was scared.
Right when I was almost at breaking point, salvation came for me in the form of a company restructure. Cuts were being made and I was called up for retrenchment.
My retrenchment was a blessing in disguise. While I was worried about how I would make it work, I knew it was the push I needed to live a simpler life, more in tune with my passions.
With this in mind I was convinced I could make it happen. I decided, then and there, that I would pursue my studies full time to do what I loved and work whichever other jobs I needed to work to make it happen. I started looking for part-time office jobs, and to my surprise, there were some great ones.
Within a month I’d found the perfect part-time job that would let me launch into my studies with full force while still making ends meet. I’d have to make some tough cuts to my spending to make it work, but I knew I could.
The tradeoffs were tough at first, and living my newfound modest lifestyle wasn’t always easy, but it was more than worth it. What I soon realized was that for all the material things I’d lost, I’d gained the most valuable thing of all: the freedom of my own time.
I now had time to breathe, think, and live.
Today I’m living a simpler life, one of freedom and choices. I’m still actively doing things every day, but I’m doing things I truly love.
With my design diploma in hand, I’m working as a fashion designer and writing about my creative journey on my very own website. I’m living with joy and I no longer feel busy and stressed. Instead, I am energized and passionate.
We can get so caught up in the pursuit of busyness that we forget what we are losing. In busyness we lose our freedom, our options, and a little piece of ourselves.
Time is freedom. It enables you pursue your dreams and go after what you love. How you spend it determines whether you experience happiness or not. And at the end of the day, it’s all you really have.
Jump Off the Busy Train and Reclaim Your Joy
If you want to jump off the busy train to make a change to a simpler, more passion-filled life, here are three things you can do:
1. Take the change step by step.
Instead of launching right in and quitting your job without a solid plan, make sure you have everything in place to make it work.
Look into your options for part-time work or more flexible working arrangements, like working different hours or from home. Weigh up your viable options to free yourself from busyness and determine how you can make it work financially.
2. Accept a better outcome, even if it’s not the perfect one.
We would all love to jump in and pursue our passions full time but often it’s not practical, at least not from the outset. Instead of striving for perfect, find a better outcome in the short term.
It doesn’t need to be an all-or-nothing approach. Right now, it might mean pursuing a passion on the side. In a years time, it might mean transitioning to a part-time working arrangement. Sometimes, good things take time.
3. Scale back in other areas of your life.
There is always give and take in life, and if you want to move toward a simpler, more passion filled life, there are going to be tradeoffs.
Scaling back might involve selling your car, moving into a smaller house, and cutting back on meals out. These might all sound like big changes, but the reward you will receive every day from living in tune with what you love will far outweigh the sacrifice.
If you’re feeling the weight of busyness in your life, challenge yourself to slow down. Don’t sell your life to the highest bidder, trading your time for dollars at the expense of your own happiness and joy. Reclaim your freedom and find a way to do what you love. Your happiness depends on it.
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A Place to Release Your Secrets and Shame: Share Your Truth in the Forums
Ten months ago when I launched the Tiny Buddha community forums, I hoped they would better enable us all to connect with and support each other.
Since then, I’ve been amazed and inspired to see the love and compassion people extend there, without any agenda beyond helping others feel less alone and more at ease in our uncertain, often confusing world.
There are now over 10,000 active forum members, and there have been more than 1,600 conversations on a wide range of topics related to spirituality, self-esteem, relationships, purpose, parenting, health and fitness, and more.
Whether you’re an active member or just discovering the forums for the first time, I’d like to draw your attention to a new forum category that I hope will be helpful and inspiring.
I launched it last week after receiving a number of blog submissions with a similar message: We can set ourselves free by sharing the stories we may otherwise be tempted to hide.
One of these posts came from a woman who’d given birth secretly in a convent at age sixteen and then given her child up for adoption.
Another came from a brave woman named Sonia Friedrich, who graciously agreed to be the first poster in this new category, with her story about coming out after years of hiding her sexuality.
All the stories had one thing in common: a secret that, when kept, hardened into shame, and when released, softened into peace.
The new section is called “Share Your Truth,” and I launched it with this introductory post:
We all do it to some degree—look at our experiences with a critical eye and decide which ones feel unsafe to share.
We don’t want to be judged, or ridiculed, or misunderstood; we all hope to be loved, supported, and accepted.
But ironically, in hiding pieces of ourselves or our past, we limit our ability to receive unconditional love and acceptance. How can anyone offer us those things if they don’t know who we really are?
And even if they do know who we are, how can we accept their love if we don’t fully believe we deserve it?
That’s what we’re telling ourselves when we choose to hide—that we’re not beautiful, loveable, and worthy, just as we are, and we better hold tight to all the evidence, lest others see it and confirm our fears.
So I say we challenge that scared voice inside that tells us there’s something wrong with us. I say we fight the instinct to cower in shame instead of showing up fully and letting ourselves be seen. I say we own it all—the light, the dark, the highs, the lows—and instead of fearing that others will not accept us, we show them what it looks like to do it.
My name is Lori. I spent more than a decade struggling with low self-esteem, depression, and bulimia. I then spent several more years drinking, smoking, and hiding from the world because I was afraid you wouldn’t like me.
Though I’ve come a long way, due, in large part, to years of therapy and a commitment to personal development, I still struggle with people-pleasing instincts at times, and I still go through phases when I feel insecure. I don’t know if that will ever go away fully, but I am okay with that.
I am proud that I keep going and growing. I am proud that I keep showing up, despite my struggles and imperfections. And I am proud to share my truth.
Is there a truth you’ve been hiding? Are you ready to set yourself free by sharing it?
Start a new thread by scrolling to the bottom of this page: http://dev.tinybuddha.com/forum/share-your-truth/
Feel free to write as little or as much as you’d like—a word, a sentence, a paragraph, or more. This isn’t about getting advice, though you’re free to ask for it, if you’d like. It’s about sharing yourself authentically, knowing there’s beauty in who you’ve been, who you are, and who you will be.
It’s also about letting those who read this know they’re not alone in whatever they’re going through. Whatever it is you’ve been hiding, you can rest assured there are countless others out there, just waiting for someone else to say they can relate.
Just to let you know, before you even share, I admire you for doing this. And knowing this community like I do, I think I can speak for the other members when I say: we value and accept you, just as you are.
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If you’re not yet a forum member, you can create a free account here. You can then share your truth—whatever it may be—here.
Thank you for being part of the Tiny Buddha community. You make a difference, and you’re appreciated!
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How to Avoid Drama: Stop Taking Things Personally and Needing to Be Right
“Concern yourself not with what is right and what is wrong but with what is important.” ~Unknown
I remember quite distinctly the point where my rational self, less invested in the discussion, took a step back and pointed out that I was descending down the path of needing to prove that I was right.
It was precisely when I started seeing the other commenter as needling my position and attacking the ideas as mine.
What started out as an appeal to respect cultures that celebrate death as a normal part of life, turned into a mud-slinging event the moment I ceased to educate and instead went down the road of righteous anger.
Even if we were to keep our social network to the closest friends and family members, there will inevitably come the time when, as we scroll through our Facebook feed, we encounter something that we disagree with.
If we are not careful about the way we react or respond to these kinds of things, drama will arise.
And oh, such drama it was! Despite not participating any further once some ganging up occurred and outright insults were being flung, I came away from the debacle more furious with myself than anyone else.
In hindsight, it really was hilarious the way it quickly descended into a playground squabble where the crux of the matter was “I’m right, you’re wrong!”
But unlike childhood fights where it is rare that full-blown grudges develop (notice how children make up and play together easily?), the issues that adults tend to have petty fights over are a bit more complicated, simply because we are way more invested in it.
It isn’t over a fire truck belonging to us that can be easily shared with another child. It is occasionally belief systems and ideologies that we think define us, and so we do not take too easily to them being challenged.
I later received a long message from the other person that was essentially an attempt at civility after the earlier descent into childishness. But while the absence of trolling was a nice welcome, here too was another invitation to engage further in another bout of drama.
Ignoring the comments about my character and only clarifying issues I felt were relevant to the earlier discussion, I refused to bite.
What I’m slowly learning, and I am quite a slow learner when it comes to social interactions, is that personal affronts are key to the development of drama, and how we choose to respond to what the other person doles out will determine our state of being.
This isn’t something solely confined to social media interactions, either; Facebook, Twitter, and other sites like them are all just platforms where our interactions take place. Unnecessary drama and squabbles did not appear after the Internet but are simply magnified by it.
If you decide earlier on that personal attacks will not hurt you and that you will not yourself fling insults, you’ll be much more likely to have a discussion that’s conducive for education and sharing of ideas.
These attacks often come out innocuously enough. An adept practitioner of shade can fling one at you with much subtlety, so control is necessary in ensuring that you are always on the right road.
Unfortunately, I have yet to be gracious enough to not throw shade myself, and thus the initial eruption of drama stemmed from my lack of control. We cannot control will perceive or retaliate with, but we can choose how we respond to them.
The moment we choose to take the issues personally, we cease to participate in civil discourse as we insist upon the particular details that we feel attack our characters.
We feel the need to yell that we are right rather than strive to seek and communicate truth.
With that said, I am certainly not excusing those who choose to create conflict rather than communicate peacefully. Once you see things heading down that awful road, it’s best to simply disengage and leave because nothing fruitful will come out of it.
What matters at this point, I feel, is how you resolve your position, and it isn’t about how you appear to other people who may be watching (or reading the thread), but how you now feel about your beliefs and ideas.
Are ad hominem attacks ever conducive to the truth? The moment we associate ego and pride with our various ideologies, we miss the mark.
In a world of multivariate opinions, beliefs, and philosophies, friction is bound to occur when these ideas inevitably collide.
There are certain fields more volatile than others, like politics and religion, and they require careful treading. When in the thick of drama, especially with drama-hungry spectators egging us on, we lose the point and indulge, instead, in a battle of wits over who can yell the loudest in being right.
To keep drama at bay, it is necessary to maintain that, while ideas form much of what we think we are, they are merely constructs that only help us make sense of life and do not essentially form who we are.
If someone attacks what we believe, they’re not attacking us. They’re disagreeing with our opinion because they hold a different point of view. And if they choose to attack us personally, it’s likely not about us, but rather reflective of their fear-based attachment to their beliefs.
It is perhaps worth bearing this in mind whenever we feel the urge to take something personally.
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How to Respond to Negative People Without Being Negative
“Don’t let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.” ~Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama
A former coworker seemed to talk non-stop and loudly, interrupt incessantly, gossip about whomever wasn’t in the room, constantly complain, and live quite happily in martyrdom.
It seemed nothing and no one escaped her negative spin. She was good at it. She could twist the happiest moment of someone’s life into a horrendous mistake. She seemed to enjoy it, too.
At first, my judgmental mind thought her behavior was quite inappropriate. I simply didn’t approve of it. But after weeks of working with her, the thought of spending even one more moment in her presence sent me into, well, her world.
Her negativity was infectious. More and more, I found myself thinking about her negativity, talking with others about her negativity, and complaining about her constant negativity.
For a while, though, I listened to her whenever she followed me into the lunchroom or the ladies’ room. I didn’t know what to say, or do, or even think. I was held captive.
I’d excuse myself from the one-sided chit-chat as soon as possible, wanting to someday be honest enough to kindly tell her that I choose not to listen to gossip. Instead, I chose avoidance. I avoided eye contact, and any and all contact. Whenever I saw her coming, I’d get going and make for a quick getaway. I worked hard at it, too.
And it was exhausting because whether I listened to her or not, or even managed to momentarily escape her altogether, I was still held captive by her negativity.
I interacted with her only a handful of times a month, but her negative presence lingered in my life. And I didn’t like it. But what I didn’t like didn’t really matter—I wanted to look inside myself to come up with a way to escape, not just avoid, a way to just let go of the hold this negativity had on me.
When I did look within, I saw that I was the one exaggerating the negative.
I chose to keep negativity within me even when she wasn’t around. This negativity was mine. So, as with most unpleasant things in life, I decided to own up and step up, to take responsibility for my own negativity.
Instead of blaming, avoiding, and resisting the truth, I would accept it. And, somehow, I would ease up on exaggerating the negative.
I welcomed the situation as it was, opening up to the possibilities for change within me and around her.
I knew all about the current emotional fitness trends telling us to surround ourselves with only happy, positive people and to avoid negative people—the us versus them strategy for better emotional health. I saw this as disconnecting, though.
We all have times when we accentuate the positive and moments when we exaggerate the negative. We are all connected in this.
Instead of continuing to disconnect, to avoid being with negativity while denying my own, I wanted to reconnect, with compassion and kindness toward both of us.
She and I shared in this negativity together. And once I made the connection and saw our connection, a few simple and maybe a little more mindful thoughts began to enter my mind and my heart. This reconnection would be made possible through love.
And these simple little, love-induced thoughts spoke up something like this:
- Patience can sit with negativity without becoming negative, rushing off to escape, or desiring to disconnect from those who choose negativity. Patience calms me.
- While I’m calm, I can change the way I see the situation. I can see the truth. Instead of focusing on what I don’t like, I can see positive solutions. I can deal with it.
- I can try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. Why might this woman choose or maybe need to speak with such negativity? I can be compassionate.
- Why does what this woman chooses or needs to say cause me to feel irritated, angry, or resentful? I have allowed her words to push my negativity buttons. I can’t blame her.
- She doesn’t even know my buttons exist. She’s only concerned with her own needs. I’ve never even told her how much her negativity bothers me. I see what truly is.
- I see that we are both unhappy with our shared negativity. People who complain and gossip and sacrifice themselves for others aren’t happy. I can help to free us both.
- I will only help. I will do no harm. I have compassion for us both. I will show kindness toward both of us. I will cultivate love for us, too. I choose to reconnect.
- I will start with me and then share love with others. May I be well and happy. May our family be well and happy. May she be well and happy. I choose love.
And whenever I saw her, I greeted her with a kind smile. I sometimes listened to her stories, excusing myself whenever her words became unkind, much the same as I had done before. But I noticed the negativity no longer lingered within me. It disappeared as soon as I began choosing love again. I was freed. And I was happier. Compassion, kindness, and love had made me so.
My desire was not to speak my mind in an attempt to change hers, to change her apparent need to choose negative words. I did hope she might free herself from negativity and liberate herself by choosing positivity instead. Our reconnection was complete, quite unlimited, too, and it gave me hope that happiness could be ours, shared through our connection.
I continue to cultivate this loving connection, being compassionate and kind whenever people, myself included, choose to speak negative words, for we all do from time to time. We are positively connected in this negativity thing, and everything else. And compassion, kindness, and love happily connect us all.
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How to Overcome Envy So It Doesn’t Poison Your Relationships
“Enjoy your own life without comparing it with that of another.” ~Marquis de Condorc
I struggled to offer a tight smile to a friend who had achieved a life-changing career break.
Although I was thrilled and excited for my friend, I was sad and disappointed in myself. I, too, had worked hard and waited patiently, but unlike my friend, my work and my wait continued, unacknowledged and unrewarded.
At first I didn’t notice I had been bitten by envy. But its invisible poison infected my bloodstream, polluting my future interactions with my friend. I was guarded, afraid of being hurt yet again by yet another one of my friend’s successes.
Each conversation rubbed between us, creating a visible strain in our relationship. Over time, I started to avoid her. She couldn’t understand why I was pulling away. Envy was killing our friendship.
For years, I sat on the other side of envy. I was the one who friends showered with praise while hiding the sorrow in their hearts.
One particular girlfriend who was equally talented and creative felt stuck in a dead-end teaching career that seemed to restart each two years at a different school, preventing her from the security of tenure. She devoted all her free time to her students, sacrificing her dreams of writing and art. Finally, after yet another lay off, she crumbled into depression.
She glanced over at me and felt the sting of envy. Here I was, married with children, both with publication credits and art exhibits, and a teaching gig to boot. Why couldn’t she have a little bit of what I had?
At the time, I didn’t know how to comfort or encourage her. Envy festered until it overpowered the love we once shared. The friendship dissolved in bitterness and misunderstanding.
Now, years later, as more and more of my friends enjoy greater and greater success, I understand what my estranged friend must have endured all those years. If I didn’t do something, envy would kill off my friendships just like it had done years ago.
But how do you treat poison envy?
It’s taken a lot longer to learn how to turn away from envy, but here are the steps I used to free myself from its bondage and transform my life.
1. Stop comparing yourself to others.
The first step to overcoming envy is to stop focusing on what others have and face the truth about yourself.
As long as I was staring at my friends’ successes, I could not see that the dissatisfaction I felt had nothing to do with their victories and everything to do with my own perceived losses.
Once I turned the mirror away from others, I discovered I was not where I wanted to be in life. The envy I felt toward the success of others only masked the disappointment I felt in myself.
2. Stop judging.
Judgment, even self-imposed judgment, divides and conquers the soul into tiny squares designed to punish. I was stuck, unable to leapfrog to the next level of success, which was bad. My friends, on the other hand, were standing at the top of the mountain, which was good.
I didn’t understand that good and bad are relative terms. Without them, things just are.
Once I stopped judging myself, I was able to accept where I was. It may not have been where I wanted to be, but I was no longer angry about it.
3. Start seeing things clearly.
With no one to blame, I was forced to accept responsibility for where I was and how I got there.
Without the veil of envy, without the mirrors of comparison, without the torture of judgment, I saw the truth clearly: I was not where I wanted to be because I was not who I needed to become.
I had the education, the work experience, and the job skills needed to get promoted, but my attitude of entitlement kept me sidelined. It was only in realizing I was no one special that my humility allowed for my true light to shine. Others took notice of the internal change, and I was promptly promoted to the job I had been craving.
Once I stopped comparing myself to others and acknowledged the truth about myself, the damaging effects of envy melted away. I was no longer pitted against my friends.
Now I enjoy the blessings others have been given without the shadow of self-pity. And I am able to champion their success even if our blessings our different.
I start each day anew, focused on my journey, no longer derailed by the journeys of others. I keep my friendships intact, even flourishing, without the bitterness of jealousy or the darkness of sorrow or the strangling voice of defeat.
You, too, can treat the poison envy in your life. Start by turning the mirror away from others and toward yourself. Stop judging your life by impossible standards. See yourself clearly for the first time: a wonderfully flawed human being with passionate goals.
