Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • What to Do When You Feel Caged: The Key to Lasting Freedom

    What to Do When You Feel Caged: The Key to Lasting Freedom

    Flying Free

    “Wherever you go, there you are.” ~Confucius

    Everything I do is about living and sharing freedom. But what is freedom anyway?

    To understand freedom, it’s helpful to understand its opposite. The opposite of freedom is feeling caged, constricted, and ruled by guidelines you don’t believe in.

    For many people, their job feels like jail. For some people, their community feels like jail. For others, school feels like jail.

    I’ve been in all those jails. And for the most part, I was in those jails because I didn’t know there was an alternative. Now that I know the alternative, I have consciously created a life of freedom, but it wasn’t always this way.

    I grew up in very religious schools, which felt like a jail, mentally and physically. There were strict rules governing what you could wear and eat and what was expected from you. Living in that jail mentality was stifling, and my need for freedom was bursting at the seams of my soul.

    For several years I was curiously obsessed with social justice and the prison system. I now recognize that my fascination stemmed from my feelings about living in a jail of sorts during my youth.

    At seventeen I left my hometown and embarked upon finding freedom and discovering who I was.

    When you live in a jail-mentality for the bulk of your life, you get out into the big wide world and feel utterly lost. That was me—lost, and essentially going from one jail to another.

    From the strict schools of my youth, I went straight to University, not knowing about the other options that were out there. And once again I felt caged. I felt jailed by the confines of my schedule and limited resources.

    I was desperate to break free, so I found a summer job in New Hampshire that would give me room, board, pay, and a new experience.

    I was taken by New Hampshire the moment I read the state’s license plate: Live Free Or Die. I knew I had landed in the right place. There, I met people from all over the world who had a similar freedom-travel-spirit mentality.

    Coincidentally, I met someone there who shared my intrigue with the prison system and social justice, and informed me that I could talk to prisoners on death row.

    While communicating with one inmate through letters, I learned that true freedom is in the mind.

    That shook me.

    I had heard that phrase before, but it wasn’t until I heard it from somebody who was really locked up that it hit home and touched my soul.

    Imagine being constrained to solitary confinement. Imagine being thrown into the prison “hole,” a place of pure darkness, without the freedom to see. Imagine having your every move watched, being told when you can eat, shower, and sleep. And imagine even after all that, recognizing that you can still have freedom because it is in the mind. That’s a powerful awareness.

    I knew that I was the only one putting the shackles on me. Although this message penetrated, it would take me several years to fully understand it.

    After I left New Hampshire, I had a string of adventures and travels that allowed me freedom, possibility, and a life outside the status quo.

    For several years all the outward travel fed my need for freedom. But there came a point where it was no longer freeing. I was starting to fall back into feeling jailed, despite making free and adventurous choices.

    I knew I had to start moving inward if I was to find true freedom. So began my inner journey.

    I started seeking out spiritual books from Deepak Chopra and Louise Hay, and reading the words from John Kabat Zinn, which resonated with me more than anything else. His book Wherever You Go, There You Are was like lightning hitting my heart.

    That line was exactly what I had experienced—despite all my travels, where I searched for freedom on the outside, wherever I went, I was still there. I still had to deal with my own limitations and the blocks that I was creating within my own mind.

    These limitations pertained to my self-confidence and self-worth—how I thought about myself, and what I believed about my ability to go after what I wanted and succeed. In perpetually thinking I couldn’t do things I wanted to do and that I wasn’t worthy of them, I paralyzed myself with fear.

    You need to believe you can do something before you can find the motivation to take action on it. And my beliefs were limiting my actions. Although I was traveling from place to place, my internal limitations came with me.

    It’s been a decade since I got that book, which focused heavily on meditation. I have since found the practice of pure presence to be one of the most powerful gateways to freedom. Meditation has this uncanny ability to break away the false self—the self-sabotaging thoughts and limiting beliefs.

    So where is freedom? Is it inside us? Is it about our outside choices?

    For many years the outward journey did the trick for me. It had an effect on my soul, although I did not have the understanding to recognize it at the time. However, the outward journey only took me so far.

    I have found that ultimately it’s the inner journey that leads to lasting freedom.

    I still enjoy “getting away” and having adventures. But I have come to recognize that in the confines of the outward journey I can still feel caged. It is only through going inward, specifically through practices of meditation and being present, that I can access long lasting freedom that endures, regardless of my outward circumstances.

    If you are looking to enhance the freedom in your life, take some time to pause from your day and practice being fully present with the moment as it is.

    Ironically, this is likely why travel is such a great way to feel free. When we travel, we’re more present by virtue of the newness around us—the change of culture or scenery. Everything is so new, so we are like babies enthralled by our surroundings and naturally we get out of our head and are deeply connected to the moment. It is, in effect, living a meditation.

    The magic of a meditation practice (and yes, five minutes will do the trick!) is that you can train yourself to strengthen the muscle of presence in your everyday life, so that you can have access to that freedom no matter where you are.

    Although five minutes may sound simple, it can still be challenging, so I recommend committing to a specific time, such as first thing in the morning, to ensure you do it.

    Then, any time that you feel constricted, scared, stifled, or confused, you can tap into the practice of meditation to help you reconnect with yourself, and reconnect with an inner sense of freedom. This won’t change physical circumstances that may feel constricting, but when you free yourself of mental limitations, it’s a lot easier to find solutions to physical ones.

    Meditation is a vehicle to freedom because it often gives us clarity, and allows us to free our mind from our blocks and limitations. Meditation helps us access our intuition, which can guide us to the things that will help us live a more purposeful, freedom-filled life.

    Freedom truly is in the mind. If you feel caged in yours, remember, presence is the key.

    Photo by Kamil Porembiński

  • Where Happiness Comes From

    Where Happiness Comes From

    Where Happiness Comes From

    Source

  • A Letter from Your Future Self

    A Letter from Your Future Self

    “The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now.” ~Robert G. Ingersoll

    Dear Past Me,

    Remember that day when you thought all was lost? When you thought there was barely any point in carrying on?

    The bank account was dangerously low.

    You were arguing with everyone close to you.

    The roof was leaking.

    It felt like everything was a struggle and the so-called abundance of the Universe was nowhere to be seen.

    You were going over the mistakes you’d made.

    The money you had lost.

    The opportunities you had missed.

    You were going over angry conversations and thinking about how right you were and how wrong they were.

    You were searching for forgiveness but holding onto the unfairness of it all.

    Remember how low you felt?

    You actually spent more time than you care to admit wishing you didn’t exist.

    You thought at least that way, nobody would miss you and you wouldn’t cause them any pain if you had never existed.

    Dude.

    Seriously?

    You do realize now that you wasted a bit of time with that ridiculousness, right?

    You wished for a lightning bolt of awareness to hit you in the head.

    You were hoping for a finely tuned droplet of self-aware genius to magically transform your heart.

    The Universe provided because in the next few moments, you read this:

    The average person lives to be 76 years of age, which is approximately 28,000 days.

    28,000 days.

    That’s when it hit you.

    Every day is truly precious.

    Months seemed to come and go.

    Years flew by.

    But days. Days were made up of habits.

    You woke up to your own habits at that point.

    How much time had you wasted drifting into jealousy?

    How many hours had been lost sinking with regret or crying over disappointment?

    If you added up the hours you’d filled with worry, regret, anger, sorrow, and guilt, how many days would it equal?

    It was terrifying to even consider.

    You shifted.

    You found three ways to live in each day that have changed you forever.

    1. You are not your feelings.

    When anger or hurt hits your heart like a ton of bricks on a hot summer day, it can feel like it consumes you.

    The more you resist, the more you fight it, the bigger it gets.

    Allow the pain to be there. Talk to it. Realize that you are the witness that is doing the talking.

    2. Meditation.

    It seems like everyone talks about meditating.

    Once you made it a non-negotiable part of your life, everything else shifted for you.

    Think of it like brushing your teeth or taking a shower.

    You can sit quietly anywhere. In your car. At your desk. Just close your eyes and breathe.

    It will help you to be in the day.

    3. Forgiveness.

    As much as you’re struggling with your own crapola, everyone else is going through his or her own lessons as well.

    As soon as you leaned into forgiveness, you felt better.

    You stopped resisting.

    Forgiveness gives you flow.

    And when you flow, BOOM—you’re in the present moment again.

    I want you to wake up to what you have right now!

    I want you to know that no matter what, today is beautiful.

    It doesn’t matter if it’s pouring rain, pounding snow, or penetrating sunshine.

    Weather is neither good nor bad. It just is.

    Today is what you make it, and I want you know that here and now, in this future moment that I’m writing you from, love is the only thing that lasts.

    Whether your current moment is filled with sorrow or bursting with joy, this too shall pass.

    Find ways to make today into a beautiful painting of kindness toward yourself and toward others, and you will reach the end of your 28,000 days with a knowingness that you lived well.

    What day is it today?

    It’s the best day ever.

    Love,
    Future Me

  • Stop Attracting Unhealthy Relationships: 3 Promises to Make to Yourself

    Stop Attracting Unhealthy Relationships: 3 Promises to Make to Yourself

    “When you stop trying to change others and work on changing yourself, your world changes for the better.”  ~Unknown

    For years, I was entering relationships with men where I saw their potential to be a good match for me, if only they would completely change who they were.

    For twelve years, it was the same pattern until one day I finally realized something was broken.

    After my last unsuccessful relationship, where I was just holding on, hoping he would change and be the person I wanted him to be, I had had enough. So, I took a much-needed hiatus to regroup, reprogram, and refocus.

    The Problem

    My sorority sister used to say, “If you always do what you always done, you’ll always get what you already got.” So, what was I doing that constantly attracted me to men who were not a good fit for me? What was so compelling to me about that?

    Here’s what I discovered: The tape that continued to play in my mind said, “I am not able to attract a man with a steady, regular job who’ll make time for me, and is emotionally available.” So, I constantly attracted men who were emotionally damaged, who cheated on and ignored me.

    The Analysis

    Now that I knew what attracted me, I wanted to figure out what made me stay in so many loveless relationships.

    I’m almost ashamed to admit it but I stayed in relationships I should have never started because I thought I could change save them. They were hurt and I could treat them better than their previous lover because, let’s face it, I’m better than everyone.

    I was going to swoop in and save the day and show “him” how much better I was than “she” was to “him.” And “he” will not cheat on me like “he” did “her.”

    But, guess what?  “He” always did. Always.

    And I always took it as a personal failure. As if I had failed “him” somehow, because I wasn’t even good enough, much less better. It never occurred to me that “he” might have been just a jerk to begin with.

    The Solution

    After finally learning my lesson, I’m now ready to re-enter the dating arena, and I’ve made three promises to myself. If you’ve also attracted unhealthy relationships, perhaps these could help you, too.

    1. I will trust myself.

    Many times in the past, I can remember thinking this relationship was not a good idea, or something wasn’t right. But I didn’t listen. And as my grandmother used to say, “If you don’t hear, you feel.”

    When you feel something is off, make the determination of whether you are just nervous because you’re afraid of making another mistake, or if something really feels off. When your intuition tells you something is wrong, move on.

    Trust that you know what is best for your happiness. You are the only one who does.

    2. I will value myself.

    Moving on is much easier to do now that I’ve raised, expanded, and updated my standards. Looking back, it seems that my only requirements were that he be breathing and he liked me.

    For you, it may be time to reevaluate your standards and decide that you deserve to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone who meets your needs.

    Create a list of your top three non-negotiables, and even when you get slack from your friends and family, who mean well, telling you your standards are high or you’re being too picky, don’t waver.

    Not listening to your intuition is what most likely got you in this dating predicament in the first place, so value yourself and stop ignoring your inner voice.

    3. I will focus on myself.

    Worrying about whether the other person was happy or not in my past relationships was emotionally draining, and never created a happy ending for me. So I’m bringing the focus back on me. I’m no longer looking to fix, change, or save anyone, nor restore their faith in relationships, and neither should you.

    If this has been an issue for you, read these next words carefully: It’s not your job to make the other person happy. It’s theirs.

    Believe me, you will save yourself a lot of wasted years, tears, and time by following this one rule.

    If you’re ready to take responsibility for your dating life, consider taking a break to reevaluate your previous relationships, update and expand your standards, and work on your own happiness first. You’ll be a happier, more whole and joyful person—which can ultimately lead you to the relationship you want.

  • A Simple Way to Be Happy

    A Simple Way to Be Happy

    Simplest Way to Be Happy

    Source: Inspiring Wall Papers

  • Two Words That Can Motivate You to Keep Going: What If?

    Two Words That Can Motivate You to Keep Going: What If?

    “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” ~Mary Anne Radmacher

    Carefully, I wrote my New Year’s Resolutions neatly in my purple leather bound journal, which chronicled the ups and downs of the past year of my life.

    Resolutions, whether they’re made on the first of January or any day of the year, are refreshing. It’s a chance to start again—the closest you can get to a “redo” of the past.

    In prior years, I made resolutions that were destined to fail. Read one book per week. Write a book. Learn yoga.

    It wasn’t that the previous resolutions were bad. Rather, I had failed to put any sort of plan in place to help me succeed. I only had a lofty goal, not steps laid out to get me from where I was standing to where I wanted to be. 

    But this year, I needed change. I needed a fresh start. I didn’t need the seemingly constant stress and the disappointment that plagued me last year to carry over into 2014.

    So my resolution was a succinct two words: Be happy.

    And unlike prior years, I made a plan for how to transform my resolution into my life. It felt weird trying to develop a way to be happy. But this year had to be different, and if planning was required, then plan I would.

    The plan? Take steps. And keep taking steps—don’t freeze in place.

    I took steps. I enrolled in a course in a subject I had long been interested in but too afraid to try. I decided that I would spend the Fall 2014 semester in London. I went to Chicago’s new Nutella Bar—because not every source of happiness requires a big change; sometimes the little things add up.

    And then only days into January, I panicked. Say this whole “Be happy” thing didn’t work out?

    What if I made all these changes and I wasn’t happy?

    What if the decisions I was making were actually wrong?

    What if life was still really stressful and exhausting?

    It took me a while to realize what all the what-ifs were really disguising. Superficially, the panic appeared to be the fear of not achieving the resolution.

    In reality, though, the fear of not achieving the resolution was a cover-up for the fear of failing as a person. What if I took all the steps to create the life I wanted and it didn’t work out? Would I be left with an unfilled life on top of an unfilled resolution? 

    Everyone talks about how going after what you truly want takes hard work and perseverance. Few people mention the courage required. It takes courage to forge your own path in a forest overgrown with what-ifs and brimming with the beast of society’s potential judgment.

    Being honest with yourself about what you want, whether it’s happiness, a new job, or significant other, is scary. When carving your own path, you don’t know what’s in store for you ahead.

    I came close to letting the fear of what-ifs consume me and abandoning my goals along with the little progress I had made in the first few weeks of January.

    Fittingly, however, the one thing that overpowered all the what-ifs swirling in my thoughts was one single what-if: What if it all worked out?

    What if you succeeded in creating the life you envisioned? It doesn’t need to be a perfect life; every life has a few rough spots or bruises.

    And for me that hope, that possibility, that single gnawing question was enough to take the leap of faith and go forward with my goals.

    That isn’t to say that I now believe unequivocally that my resolution will work out and every moment of my life will be Kodak-worthy. Rather, it’s to say that I now counter each doubt that creeps into my mind with the single rebuke: What if this all works out? 

    Focusing on the positives of your goal or resolution is a much more powerful motivator than concentrating on the negatives.

    Acknowledge the negatives as potential pitfalls to be aware of, but then counter them with positives. Truly immerse yourself in the positive potential of success.

    If your thoughts of doubt are enough to stop you, then your positive thoughts are enough to help you succeed.

  • Go With All Your Heart

    Go With All Your Heart

    Go With All Your Heart

    Source: Things We Forget

  • Eliminate These 5 Words to Create the Life of Your Dreams

    Eliminate These 5 Words to Create the Life of Your Dreams

    “Don’t be pushed by your problems; be led by your dreams.” ~Unknown

    For years I felt nothing.

    Nothing, that is, except bored at work, trapped in my marriage, uninspired in my educational pursuits, misunderstood by friends and family, and stuck in my hometown. I’d lay awake at night wondering what was wrong with me.

    How did I manage to manifest the exact scenario I’d been trying so desperately to avoid?

    As I reflected upon all the major decisions I’d made up until that point, it didn’t take long to realize what had happened: I’d spent so much time focusing on what I didn’t want that I’d neglected to figure out what I actually did want.

    I’d been pushed by my problems rather than led by my dreams.

    This realization was both unacceptable and intolerable, and sent me on a quest to uncover who I was and what I actually wanted in life. Once I had a clear vision, I began taking action.

    That was more than three years ago. My life today is much, much different.

    For the last six months I’ve been driving around the United States, living out of my car, and couch surfing with friends and strangers. This adventure was just the icing on the cake of a three-year stint living out of a suitcase and traveling around the world.

    Long gone are the restless nights, self-defeating thoughts, and dull emotions. The words “play” and “work” have become synonymous; my interpersonal relationships are now fruitful and plentiful; I’m inspired and motivated to learn as much as possible; and I happily refer to the world as my newfound hometown.

    Believe it or not, the process of how I re-created my life started with a few simple changes. One of the biggest changes I made right from the beginning was with the way I speak.

    Words are powerful and they carry energy. While they can be used to manifest massive growth and positive change, when used unconsciously, they can just as easily aid in creating a life we never wanted.

    So, rather than having a “breakdown,” I’d talk about having a “breakthrough.” Rather than discuss the pieces of my life that were falling apart, I’d talk about the pieces that were falling into place. There was no longer space for things I didn’t want in life; instead, I placed all my energy and focus on the things I did want.

    To start creating the life of your dreams, eliminate these five words from your vocabulary:

    1. Should

    As I started to explore all the reasons I wasn’t taking action in my life, I quickly came up with a laundry list of “should” statements.

    “I should be happy in my marriage.”

    “I should stay in this high paying job.”

    “I should feel understood by my friends.”

    The word “should” gives you an easy way to avoid going inward; it’s often used in statements that are based in fear.

    For example, if there was no “should” regarding my marriage, that meant I suddenly had no excuse for why I wasn’t taking action; it also meant that I had the freedom to make changes, which was both liberating and terrifying.

    Ask yourself why you aren’t taking action in your life, and for every “should” you come up with, explore what would happen if you actually did make the change. Once you maneuver through any guilt and shame, you’ll find a little seed of fear.

    Nurture that seed because when you overcome the fear that planted it there, you’ll start moving forward in the direction of your dreams.

    2. But

    Many years ago, I was told that every time you hear someone say the word “but,” you can erase everything they said leading up to that point, because none of it is true.

    “My family’s great, but…”

    “I would quit my job, but…”

    “I’m relatively happy, but…”

    No, your family’s not great. That doesn’t mean you don’t love them. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It simply means that you’re unhappy with them, and that’s okay.

    Just be honest with how you really feel; there’s no need to sugarcoat things. If you don’t have any intention of quitting your job, stop saying why you “would if you could, but you can’t,” because the minute you really want something, “I would” becomes “I will,” without the “but.”

    Being honest is a critical step toward manifesting the life of your dreams.

    3. Maybe

    The clearer I became about what I wanted in life, the easier it was to make decisions in alignment with my dreams. I suddenly went from saying, “Maybe I’ll go on a road trip,” to “I’m going on a road trip,” and “Maybe I’ll leave my job,” to “I’m leaving my job.”

    The word maybe indicates a lack of clarity and fear of commitment.

    “Maybe I’ll start my own business.”

    “Maybe I’ll start looking for a new friends.”

    “Maybe I’ll start sending my resume to headhunters.”

    No, you won’t, and if you do, the energy behind your decisions still isn’t firm enough to manifest your dreams. Figure out what you want and start making clear and succinct statements about it. Declare your intentions to the world without an ounce of wavering in your voice. 

    4. Don’t

    What I really mean here is, “I don’t know.”

    When people used to ask what I wanted in life, I used to respond with “I don’t know,” and at the time, I thought that was the truth. Then one day, a friend challenged me and said, “Yes you do. Try again.”

    The truth is, he was right; I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to volunteer in Brazil. I wanted to take a road trip around the United States. I wanted to leave my job.

    We all have an idea of what we want in life. Saying “I don’t know” is just an easy way to avoid the hard work of clarifying our vision. It becomes a statement that enables us to stay “stuck” in our lives.

    So whenever you catch yourself saying, “I don’t know,” go deeper. Even if you don’t have all the answers, somewhere inside of you there is a little pearl of wisdom just dying to propel you in the direction of your dreams.

    5. Can’t

    When I began telling people about the changes I wanted to make, I started to hear about all the things people “can’t” do in their lives.

    “You can’t quit your job!”

    “You can’t leave your PhD program!”

    “You can’t spend your life traveling!”

    What I quickly realized was that I was telling myself those same stories. There seemed to be a constant stream of “I can’t” running parallel to all the things I wanted in my life.

    But then one day, I decided to look the word “can’t” right in the eye and call him out with a simple question: “Oh really? Why not?”

    For the first time, I started to challenge all the things people were telling me I “can’t” do—all the things I was telling myself I “can’t” do. What I uncovered was that the only difference between what we can and can’t do is our belief in what’s possible.

    So whenever you hear the word “can’t,” take a step back and affirm, “Yes, I can!” Then create a list of all the reasons that you will.

    These shifts in the way you speak can serve as a huge catalyst toward manifesting the life you want. Dare to use words that solidify your dreams rather than those that perpetuate your fears.

    Then watch the magic unfold.

    I made these shifts over three years ago, and my life has been one big adventure ever since. Won’t you come join me?

  • The Gift of Kindness: A Simple Reason to Give What We Can

    The Gift of Kindness: A Simple Reason to Give What We Can

    Helping the Homeless

    “Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” ~Dalai Lama

    “Look at that guy,” I said to my wife.

    We were circling the block looking for parking when I spotted him on the sidewalk in front of the bank. For some reason he stood out from the other people in the area.

    “Seems off,” I thought to myself.

    As I passed by, I kept an eye on him. He didn’t seem to be going anywhere, just walking back and forth along the sidewalk in front of the bank.

    He was looking around and moving around like he was waiting for someone, but clearly he was alone.

    We came back around the block and I parked in a loading/unloading zone.

    “Make sure they don’t tow me,” I joked to my wife. I hopped out of the car and made my way to the bank’s ATM on the sidewalk.

    Halfway through the transaction I heard a very small voice coming from behind me.

    “Can I have two dollars? I need two dollars for the bus.”

    The voice was so small that at first I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me or someone else. I continued with my transaction without acknowledging the question.

    “That’s awesome. You’re ignoring me,” he continued.

    At this point I realized that he was talking to me. I didn’t respond.

    The voice got smaller and turned into mumbling. I couldn’t understand what he was saying.

    I finished the transaction and turned back toward my car. He was standing near my car but not in the way.

    I looked at him.

    In front of me was a disheveled, forty-something man. The years appeared cut into his face in the form of deep wrinkles accentuated with dirt.

    The wrinkles could have meant a man much older, but his overall demeanor suggested youth. He still had the aura of a younger person.

    His hair was very short and he was holding a coffee.

    As I walked toward my car he stopped talking. I got around to the driver side and opened the door.

    “No,” I said loudly and resolutely while looking at him. It was the answer to his earlier question, and also an answer to him in general.

    He didn’t respond.

    Driving away I felt uneasy and my mind replayed the situation a few times.

    I have given money to people in the past. It hasn’t happened often, but sometimes.

    My problem with this man was that I felt he didn’t need the money. It was the coffee that bothered me. He had a cup of coffee in his hands. Premium coffee.

    Coffee, I later learned, would be our connection.

    I had forgotten about him by the next day while I was waiting in the Starbucks drive-through line. We reached the service window.

    “Hi! The car in front of you paid for you,” the barista said.

    “What?” I replied. I was caught off guard.

    “Your order has been paid for,” she reiterated. She handed us our items. “You’re good to go.”

    “Thanks,” I replied reaching for the items.

    My daughter asked me why I was shaking my head as we pulled forward.

    “The universe is always teaching me lessons,” I said smilingly.

    She looked at me blankly.

    That’s what I call it when stuff like this happens—the universe teaching me lessons.

    Over the years I have learned to pick up on this phenomena. The lessons are broad and typically focus on topics like compassion, forgiveness, understanding, and renewal. They always emerge through the random coupling of everyday events.

    Some lessons are blatant, but others can be very subtle. The subtle ones are the best. Sometimes I will only “get it” after a couple of days letting it sink in.

    This one I considered blatant. The lesson being:

    Share what you have. Give—even if they don’t need it.

    I didn’t give that man any money because I didn’t believe he needed it. My assumption was that earlier that day he had traded some of his money for that coffee he was holding.

    If he really needed two dollars, then he shouldn’t have spent his money on that coffee.

    But, that reaction is totally contrary to the lesson.

    Later, as I stewed on the lesson, a couple of thoughts occurred to me: Maybe there was no coffee in that cup. Maybe he was collecting change with it. Maybe the cup was empty. Maybe the cup only had water in it.

    The point was that I didn’t know. I assumed.

    The bigger point was that it didn’t matter whether the cup was filled with premium coffee, gold coins, or anything else.

    Giving is not about the other person’s perceived need; it’s about the act itself.

    We are choosing to be the best version of ourselves when our actions demonstrate the best within us.

    Do you remember how you felt the last time you gave? I am willing to bet you felt good about yourself, and good about the act. And that’s great!

    Now, was that good feeling because you filled a need, or because of the act in general?

    Think about it. You can say it was both, but I am also willing to bet that you would feel just as good if you gave to someone who didn’t really need it.

    The good feeling comes because giving is an act of kindness.

    The person in front of me in the drive-through that day could have looked in her rearview mirror and concluded that I didn’t need it.

    After all, I am driving a newer car, my clothes were clean, and the assumption is that I can afford a coffee since I am already in the drive through line.

    Her gift to me was not because I needed it.

    Her gift to me was about kindness. It was about doing that extra little bit to lift someone else up.

    Lesson taught. Lesson understood.

    Photo by Ed Yourdon

  • 6 Lessons from a Brave Little Girl About Living a Love-Filled Life

    6 Lessons from a Brave Little Girl About Living a Love-Filled Life

    Friends Heart

    “One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.” ~Sophocles

    I can’t believe it was almost four years ago that I met *Holly. Her story is still deeply embedded into my heart. Who would have thought that one can learn so much from a ten-year-old child?

    At the time, I was working in Kenya as a children’s rights researcher. Knowing about my psychology background, the principal of a primary school I was working at asked me if I could talk to one of their students. Since I would only be able to meet her for a few shorts months, and I thought I was not qualified enough, I was hesitant at first.

    Then I remembered: always ask the question, “How can I serve?” in every situation

    I knew it was a place for me to serve. So even though I lacked an official therapist license in my home country, I agreed to meet with Holly.

    For that winter I became her volunteer counselor. I gave her my full attention while I listened to her stories, I provided her full support, and most importantly, I gave her my unconditional love. But in the end, she gave me so much more back.

    When she was only four years old, Holly was raped by her father, contracting an STD that caused her all sorts of health problems, including visible rashes all over her skin.

    It is not only that her rashes were itching and made her feel uncomfortable, but children at school, especially boys, continuously abused her for it.

    “Children throw stones at me. They say I have HIV. They say I am not a child anymore but a prostitute. But I am a child. I want to be a child,” she told me once.

    At home, her life was not better: living in the slums, she was facing extreme poverty. Her emotionally removed mother neglected her and made her responsible for all home tasks, from cooking to taking care of young siblings. Also, she was afraid of her alcoholic uncle visiting them on a regular basis. The list of her sorrows went on and on.

    Holly desperately wanted to be loved and cared for. She was always so thankful for anyone who was there for her, and she radiated kindness and love at all times through her beautiful smile.

    Being on the ground as a researcher on the topic of violence against children, I knew that Holly was not alone. She was not the only child that opened her heart to me. But she was one of the youngest, yet one of the most influential among them.

    Holly has taught me some life lessons that I believe are universal regardless of our life circumstances.

    1. Never give up.

    Holly went through so much yet she never gave up hoping, dreaming, and trying. She spoke about her future as if she believed things could get better.

    As long as we are alive, we have the choice to keep trying to improve our life.

    Sometimes we give up on our dream too early because we don’t believe we can succeed. Giving up guarantees we won’t.

    But what if we fail, you may wonder. In my dictionary there is no such thing as failure: only successes and lessons. Even if we don’t accomplish our goal, we will grow and learn throughout the process—and this growth sometimes provides more than a successful end result.

    2. Use your imagination.

    Holly imagined a better life for herself and she created stories, poetry, and drawings to capture her dreams. She was so clear in her art that it was as if she were already living in her beautiful future.

    Children have wild imaginations. As adults we often forget about this wonderful tool, being overwhelmed with work, family, and other responsibilities in life.

    If we want to create the life of our dreams it is essential that we use our imagination, because it allows us to experience anything we want. Visualizing new possibilities is a first step to creating our future.

    3. Share.

    One day Holly showed up with a few pieces of candy that she got from a volunteer at the school. She offered to share them with me. She didn’t have much—in fact, she had very little—yet she wanted to share that little with others.

    She also shared her life with me. Sharing her stories, her sadness, her joy, her dreams, and her art meant the world to me. I felt love and I loved her back.

    Sharing is caring, sharing creates connection, sharing creates love. You can share so much with the world: you can donate to charities, you can share a meal with your friends and family, you can share your stories through a blog, you can share your experiences over a coffee, you can share your joy, and you can share your love. Show your love—share what you have.

    4. Accept support.

    Holly recognized that she needed support to get out of her situation, and she accepted any support she could get. She accepted financial support through donations from volunteers. And she accepted  emotional support through friendships from anyone who offered it.

    She never felt bad about accepting support. She knew in her heart that someday she would pay it forward, helping children in similar situation. For the present moment, she gave back what she could—her love and gratitude.

    Accepting support is not a sign of weakness. We can’t always do it alone. Accept support if you need it and be grateful. Karma goes around. You can help out someone the next time around.

    5. Be kind.

    Holly was a tiny, fragile girl who received pain from every direction in life, yet she always smiled. Often, I was amazed how much kindness she was able to offer.

    Kindness was her radical response to suffering. I think she innately believed that if she offered kindness, good karma would come back to her to help her life turn around. I know that being kind also made her incredibly happy because she was able to bring joy to others.

    The world needs kindness and there can never be too much of it. It can also be one of the biggest presents to someone because it is a sign of caring, love, and happiness. When you have a choice: always choose kind.

    6. Love.

    Holly had the biggest heart. I seriously believe that this little girl always came from the perspective of love.

    We are all born with enormous amount of love and as children we are more likely to openly share it with the world. Growing up, we close more and more doors in our heart and we get hardened by our experiences. Then we have a difficult time expressing our love as adults.

    I urge you to open up those doors. Let your heart shine to the world and express your love.

    Expressing love doesn’t have to be difficult: a smile, a hug, a loving note, a kind email, a home-cooked meal, a flower, a small surprise, or similar small actions can work. Of course, the words “I love you” can be the most powerful when lovingly coming from our heart.

    There can be never too much love in this world. So choose love, be love, live love, just love, always love.

    —

    Due to confidentiality I was not able to follow Holly’s life-story. I am not sure what happened to her. I don’t even know if she is alive. But I will forever remember her story, her smile, her love, and the lessons she taught me.

    Holly, wherever you are, you are in my heart and sending you some loving vibes.

    *Name changed to protect her privacy. Photo by Sharky

  • Mystic Coffee: A Magical Barista with the Gift of Insight

    Mystic Coffee: A Magical Barista with the Gift of Insight

    What happens when a stressed our coffee barista finds a magical ring in her tip jar? That’s the premise of “Mystic Coffee,” a short film by screenwriter and producer Jeff Leisawita. It’s a fun, whimsical short with some powerful messages to help us step out of our usual “line” of thinking and see things from a different angle.

    If you enjoy this one, check out Jeff’s Kickstarter campaign for the sequel!

  • Keep the Cycle Going

    Keep the Cycle Going

    Keep the Cycle Going

    Source: Notsalmon.com

  • Taking Big Chances and Knowing If It’s Worth the Risk

    Taking Big Chances and Knowing If It’s Worth the Risk

    Leap of faith (by Tracie).

    “Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.” ~Denis Waitley

    Taking risks isn’t the secret to life, but taking risks does mean we are never at risk of doing nothing.

    Nine months ago, almost to the day, I stepped off a plane onto German soil. I left behind everything I knew, and almost everyone I knew. I moved to a place where I couldn’t understand anyone to live with someone I had never lived with before.

    But let’s back up. What exactly made me take the risk of moving to a totally foreign country, without a job, a plan, or any knowledge of the local area or language? The short answer is love. 

    My significant other had been offered a job in Germany, the land of his mother’s birth, and asked if I wanted to come with him. But that is just the short version.

    Lots of people would consider a partner taking a job in a foreign country a deal breaker. A big part of the reason I was willing to take the risk and move across an ocean was love, but the other part is perhaps more important: I weighed the risk of moving to Germany against the risk of doing nothing—and Germany won.

    I was in a life situation that lent itself to my taking this kind of risk. I had just finished my second year of national service with AmeriCorps, and I didn’t have any full time job offers. I didn’t like the city I was living in, I didn’t have any debt or dependents, and my parents and siblings were in excellent health, but lived far away.

    I weighed the risk of moving to a strange land against losing my significant other by staying where I was, with no job, and no family nearby.

    It seemed like an easy answer, although I still went through a risk-evaluating process I had honed through years of previous experiences. In the end, I decided that the risk of doing nothing was far greater than the risk of moving continents.

    Of course, I couldn’t have come to that decision or even developed a risk-evaluating process without experiences in not taking risks.

    During my undergraduate studies, I was offered an exciting opportunity to study in Thailand. Thailand has nothing to do with my studies, and the opportunity would have taken me away from everyone I knew and thrust me into a very foreign country.

    I was afraid of the culture shock, the possibility of extending my studies, the language barrier, and just about everything else. I thought it sounded much more sensible to stay where I was, with my friends, and to continue my studies the way I had planned.

    Later, when I heard the stories from the students who had recently returned from Thailand, I knew I had made the wrong choice. I had blindly let fear be the only deciding factor of my decision, and I promised myself I wouldn’t let that happen again.

    So when I was again faced with an opportunity to move somewhere totally foreign, I knew I had to take the risk.

    Sometimes my hands shook as I packed my three boxes of stuff, which was all I could afford to ship across an ocean. Looking into the unknown was terrifying, but I had weighed the risk, and so I nervously walked onto a plane and moved to Germany.

    To most people, I looked like a total idiot, or at least, I looked like someone who had risked way too much. The fact was I had calculated the risk for myself, based on factors most people couldn’t see or didn’t know, and I knew that emotionally, mentally, and physically I could handle the risk I was taking.

    Nine months after I took what seemed like a crazy risk, but was actually a very calculated one, I am still living in Germany. I speak decent German, I have a part-time job, and I am attending graduate school for free.

    My risk paid off, in part because I was able to think about what I was risking and what I would have risked by doing nothing.

    When you are faced with a decision and are wondering if it is worth the risk, it may help to ask yourself these questions:

    • Am I risking more than I am able, physically, mentally, or emotionally, at this time?
    • Will I be able to take this opportunity again at some other point?
    • Are my fears based on real danger, or just on the fear of the unknown?
    • What other possible opportunities do I risk by taking/not taking this opportunity?
    • Is the risk of doing nothing greater than what I risk by taking this opportunity?

    If we think about risks with these questions and process the risk of doing nothing, we are likely to make choices that seem risky, even crazy, to others, but make sense for each of us in our own lives.

    The truth is that no matter how much we try to avoid risk and hide from pain, it will still find us, even if it is just in the form of regret. It’s far better to weigh each risk for ourselves and decide which risks are right for us to take than to always let the fear of risks force us to take the risk of doing nothing.

    Photo by John Nakamura Remy

  • Breaking the Rust: 7 Tips to Move Forward When You Feel Stuck

    Breaking the Rust: 7 Tips to Move Forward When You Feel Stuck

    Rusty Chain

    “Change is inevitable. Growth is intentional.” ~Glenda Cloud

    The squeak emanating from my office chair had finally become unbearable. Like a slow drip of acid on the surface of my psyche, it had finally burned its way into my head.

    I stopped working on the article I was writing and strode into the garage to retrieve my toolbox. Time to replace that rusted out wheel with the shiny new one that I’d bought months ago.

    I leapt into action purposefully. Today, things would change.

    Three of the four bolts holding the wheel in place were out when things ground to a halt, as the last bolt was stuck.

    How many times do you find yourself embarking on a path of change when you are stopped dead in your tracks? You find something has rusted over time and does not want to move.

    You try various methods to loosen that one bolt—you curse it, try several different types of pliers, stop multiple times to make sure you’re actually turning the bolt the correct way. (God forbid you’re tightening it!) Why is this one bolt frustrating your attempts at transformation?

    So what happens?

    You put the bolts back in, liberally apply some WD-40 to the wheel to make the offending sound go away for now, and go on with your life, even though you know the irritation will be back soon enough.

    This scenario surfaces time and time again in my personal life.

    I am a person who does not like conflict and usually tries to find the smoothest path out of drama; I have been called a peacemaker.

    I toiled for years in several jobs that did not allow me to chase my own dreams. I kept my dreams buried under layers of personal rust. On the outside I appeared to be the dutiful husband, father, and employee while on the inside I was languishing. 

    I would decide it’s time to fix my issues only to be turned back by some preconceived notion that had frozen me into an uncomfortable position.

    My first marriage fell apart, a casualty to my own emotional stagnation. My wife pointed it out several times but I refused to change. I was stuck on a path I never wanted to be on. I was unfulfilled and it showed to those closest to me.

    My daughters grew up from infants to beautiful young ladies, yet I still didn’t follow my own path. I listened to the accumulated voices in my head telling me to follow the rules, don’t rock the boat. 

    The ultimate irony was that while I was stuck, I was telling my daughters to follow their dreams. At nights I would lay awake dreaming about the path I had abandoned but was too afraid to follow.

    I met a fascinating woman who challenged all of my ideas of what a partner could be. She dared me, pushed me, loved me, and encouraged me to listen to my heart.

    My first wife loved me, but unfortunately my frustrations—my rust—had helped drive her away. I vowed not repeat my earlier mistakes and slowly learned to trust my heart. In time, I found myself starting to loosen the stuck bolts holding my own squeaky wheel in place.

    How many times in life have you allowed the rust to accumulate around your happiness without realizing it?

    You approach the issue with resolve, vowing that this time you will make that change you’ve been thinking about (finding a new job, moving into a new department, going back to school, chasing a dream you thought was impossible).

    Yet you allow yourself to be turned back due to something that you perceive as being out of our control. You quietly shake your fist at the sky and curse the gods.

    How do you break the rust? How do you move forward in your development and inner peace?

    1. Figure out what the rust is composed of.

    The rust is inside you; you created it, and it’s inside your own head. Figure out what the issues are that allow you not to make this change you so desperately want to make.

    Retreat to a place where you can relax and search your soul. Define your goals, dreams, and aspirations, and realistically list all of the pros and cons for each.

    2. Conquer the “everybody’s.”

    In the book Finding Your Own North Star, author Martha Beck talks about the forces that limit us and hold us back. She refers to these forces as the “everybody’s”—as in “everybody says that is a bad idea,” “everybody tells me to stay in my current job,” “everybody says I am lucky to be doing what I am doing.”

    The question you have to ask yourself is: Who are these people? Are they real or a figment of your imagination? Often, they are the accumulated detritus of messages that have touched upon your psyche over the years.

    Write out your goals, things that make you happy, things you deserve in a fulfilled life, and then create two columns underneath each item. In the left column write down who would want you to achieve your ideals and in the right column, the people who would not want you to succeed in them.

    Hopefully there are no names on the left hand side, but if there are you have some serious soul searching to do. Who are the people restraining you? Do they really not want you to be fulfilled? Do they like seeing you unhappy or are they more encouraging than you give them credit for?

    Talk to them and find out what they really feel. I bet you will soon be able to move their name to the right hand side of your ledger of contentment. If you still have a few names on the left, ask yourself if you should let them direct your life choices. Who would you rather listen to, the large roster of supporters on the right or the few on the left?

    When you find yourself looking at your list you’ll soon realize who is holding you back—it’s you.

    3. Become a positive feedback junkie.

    Remove yourself from negative influences and surround yourself with people and situations that keep you focused on your ultimate goal. Become your own cheerleading squad. I kept a notebook where I recorded my inner thoughts—lists of what made me happy, daily victories, and the eventual objective.

    4. Build up your professional network.

    There are numerous individuals and organizations looking for forward-focused people. Linked In is a powerful tool in today’s business world. Dive into it.

    5. Ask for help.

    Many have changed their lives and are happy to help you. You will be surprised by how many people will step up. It’s human nature to want to help others.

    6. Realize it’s going to be hard, damn hard.

    Only you can change your path. Work on it after work, on weekend, before bed, anywhere you have free time. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones. Remember the age-old question: How do you eat an elephant? The answer: one bite at a time.

    7. Imagine the end result, focus on the good, not the bad, and keep going.

    As Winston Churchill said, “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up.”

    Recently I decided to leave a job I had been out for eight years. I enjoyed my coworkers but found myself uninspired and stagnant. My career had stalled.

    I did not come to this decision easily. It took months and months of soul searching to realize it was time to break the rust and move in a different direction. I gave notice and have not looked back since.

    I am in control of my destiny. My network is pointing out leads for me, inspiring me and advising me.

    What I have found is that people I meet are happy for me and ask how they can help. I’m excited about following the new path in front of me even if a little nervous about the potential to take a wrong turn.

    I am feeling more complete than ever before in my life, but I have to continually watch for fresh rust amassing.

    What a great feeling it is when you’re able to sit back into that favorite chair of yours and know once and for all that you have fixed the annoying squeak that was not allowing you to enjoy it anymore. Imagine a life and career where you are happy. It can happen. Just break that rust.

    Photo by Calsidyrose

  • Stop Resisting: Surrender to Your Body to Transform It and Your Life

    Stop Resisting: Surrender to Your Body to Transform It and Your Life

    Surrender

    “Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Most people don’t realize that your relationship with your body affects your entire life. Why? Because if you are fighting with your body, you are fighting with yourself. And if you are fighting with yourself, you are resisting what you truly desire in life.

    I know too well what it feels like to fight with your body. I had the same fear as most people…

    If I love my body as it is today, it will get worse. I will gain more weight. If I keep my constant attention on it, remind myself hourly how much I don’t like it, it will transform.

    Sure sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Has anyone ever “hated themselves skinny” and had healthy, long lasting results? Or how about the opposite? Has anyone ever “loved themselves fat”? And I am not talking about the love you think you are giving yourself by eating a package of Oreo cookies. I am talking true, authentic love causing the body to gain massive amounts of weight.

    And yet this is our fear: that if we were to love ourselves, love our bodies as they are in this moment, we would get worse. But remember, what you fight you strengthen.

    The more I fought with my body for gaining weight, the more weight I gained.

    Then, one sunny day as I was driving, singing along to my favorite tunes, thinking about what new clothes I wanted to purchase at the mall, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.

    Before I could comprehend what this thing was, everything went black. To this day, I can’t be fully sure whether everything went black because my eyes were closed or because my airbag deployed, but either way I knew that I was no longer on my path to the mall.

    In what felt like the most extreme game of bumper cars, I finally came to a stop as my Chevy truck flipped on to the side with me on the freeway and my passenger door above me.

    Turns out I was hit by five cars, one car for each lane on the freeway. And although I was able to safely exit my vehicle the next morning, I quickly learned that I was not able to lift my own head and, therefore, couldn’t move freely on my own.

    As I lay on the couch each day, unable to lift my own head, I no longer had the strength to fight against my body and, therefore, my body finally had the ability to let go. And after thirty days of only moving with help to get to and from the bathroom, my body released ten pounds.

    It is safe to say that some people would have gained weight injured on the couch. There are very specific reasons that my body didn’t, one of which was my ability to simply be okay with where I was.

    I wasn’t angry that I couldn’t move. I wasn’t upset that I could no longer work out. I certainly wasn’t fighting with the idea of a much-needed vacation from working. And I decided to treat it as just that—a vacation from my everyday life. The life that I had set up for myself that was so stressful and impossible to maintain.

    I relaxed and enjoyed not needing to do anything but heal.

    I realized that there are more important things in life then losing weight, like being able to lift my head again.

    I allowed my body to rest and stopped punishing it for being the way it was.

    And I finally allowed my body and myself a much-needed break from the stress of trying to lose weight.

    I highly recommend surrendering to your body without being hit by five cars. Here are three tips to get you started:

    1. Become present where you are.

    The first step is to be honest with yourself and admit where you are to establish a starting point for your growth. Otherwise, this would be like trying to drive to New York without knowing if you are in California, Florida, or Mississippi.

    It also follows along with the theme that what you fight, you strengthen. The longer you ignore where you are or pretend you are not where you are, the longer you’ll stay there.

    When you let yourself be in your body without needing to have a different one, you release the resistance and have the ability to move forward toward a life you truly desire.

    When you are desperately clinging to a different body with all your might, convinced that this is what will bring you all the happiness, contentment, and love in the world, you will find that an alternate physical appearance simply doesn’t create the internal feelings you are after.

    Therefore, even if you achieve this physical body that you desire, it will come with a sense of emptiness, as you still must learn how to simply be where you are with full presence and love, no matter what.

    2. Feel your feelings.

    In order for me to find acceptance for myself, I had to feel. I had gone so many months feeling completely numb to everything and then wondering, “Why can’t I just love myself?”

    In order for me to love myself, I had to first admit that I wasn’t happy. In fact, I was out right pissed off. And after a celebratory pity party, followed by many tears, I could finally move forward.

    When we ignore what we feel, we think we can make it go away. However, just the opposite is true. Not feeling our feelings isn’t a way to make sure we never have sadness; it’s a way to start an inner battle for however long it takes you to finally feel sad.

    The minute you admit that you are in fact pissed off, frustrated, and down right suspicious of your body, you will release the resistance, call off the fight, and move toward an overall feeling of lightness.

    3. Find peace and calm.

    It’s no secret that a stressful environment is not conducive for lasting results in your life, yet so many people live each day in a stressed out body, wondering why they can’t release their weight and feel lighter.

    Then to make matters worse, they obsess over their food and spend hours at the gym without even taking a moment to breathe.

    In order to find acceptance for your body and release your weight, you first want to create the most peaceful environment in your body as you possibly can.

    This doesn’t mean you have to lock yourself in a room with your Pure Zen CD for a month; it means you begin to find places in your life where you can introduce more peace and calm easily—for example, your own thoughts and beliefs. Why not zen those puppies out?

    Instead of believing that weight loss is hard and your appetite is too big, why not believe that in the past weight loss has been challenging and now you are open and ready to receive an approach that feels easy and effortless? And your appetite isn’t too big, but maybe you need to learn how to better connect to your body and hear your hunger and fullness cues.

    We tend to take on very stressful thoughts and beliefs about weight that will inhibit our bodies’ ability to release the weight easily and effortlessly. If you believe weight loss is hard, painful, and full of restriction, then it will be. If you believe that weight loss is intuitive, insightful, and transformative, then it will be.

    You get to choose what your weight loss journey looks like. I suggest you choose a path that feels calm and peaceful in order to enjoy each step of the way without being so dependent on the end result to fill you up.

    When you become present with exactly where you are, feel all your feelings, and find your peace and calm, you now have the ability to stop fighting. The battle that you have been facing with your body and weight will finally be done as you wave your white flag and admit that you are tired of the fight.

    This doesn’t mean you aren’t giving up on your true desires. You are deeply aligning with them.

    You are admitting that this whole weight loss thing isn’t something that you want to control anymore. That maybe there is a better way to release your weight that doesn’t suck. And you’re reminding yourself that when you desire something, the ability to have it has to be present.

    Therefore, you have no reason to focus so intently on losing weight anymore. Instead, you get to focus on living your best life in this moment, wherever you are.

    Remember this, you’re not weak or pathetic for surrendering. You are smart and powerful.

    You have the ability to say that you have so much love for yourself that you are willing to do whatever it takes to feel good now, regardless of where you are. And this is the most powerful move you can make for lasting results in your body and your life.

    Photo by Scott

  • How to Use Your Flaws as Creative Inspiration

    How to Use Your Flaws as Creative Inspiration

    “If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.” ~Maya Angelou

    I love my skin because not only does it protect and make me human, it also inspires me to make art.

    Being an artist, I’m always finding inspiration in my day-to-day life. Well, ten years ago that came in the form of irritating and weird looking welts that appear on my skin when I barely scratch. It was so embarrassing when people would see the itchy welts and ask, “What’s wrong with you?”

    I have dermatographia. It’s a skin condition in which histamine is released when the skin is lightly scratched, causing capillaries to dilate and welts to appear. While it’s not life threatening and doesn’t hurt, it sure can be uncomfortable and annoying when those red marks manifest.

    Rather than let it get to me, I decided to make dermatographia beautiful by drawing patterns on my skin to photograph. At first I did it quietly, not showing anyone, then slowly I let others see what I’d been working on. People really liked the photographs, so I kept making them and eventually made a website.

    Pretty soon the images spread online and I got emails from other dermatographics thanking me for helping them realize they’re not alone having weird skin. Now when people see the welts they say, “Your skin is so cool!”

    By sharing something that was a source of shame, not only did I transform my own relationship to my skin, I also helped others feel more comfortable in their own skin. If I had kept this skin condition to myself I wouldn’t have been lucky enough to communicate with some of the 5% of the population that also has it.

    Over the years I’ve learned that creativity comes from within, from exploring your own interests of course, but also from exploring what you dislike or find annoying about yourself and others. What might be considered a weakness can actually be your greatest strength!

    Creative inspiration exists everywhere; you just have to pay attention.

    Your body is a gift, your life is a gift, and we are meant to learn from all of it. Our ‘flaws’ teach us about self-acceptance and love. Every person is a miracle, including you. Shift your perception to see yourself as the beautiful, creative, and inspired person you are.

    Here are some suggestions to transform something you may have considered a flaw into a source of inspiration:

    1. Make a list of physical and/or emotional traits you consider to be strengths.

    Identifying these can help you also identify weaknesses by adding contrast to the exercise. You may want to interview someone you trust, asking what they like and admire about you or what they consider to be your strengths.

    2. Now make a list of things you consider to be weaknesses or flaws.

    Pay attention to the things you dislike or find annoying about others. The world around us acts as a mirror, so if we see something in another that is bothersome, odds are there’s some of that in ourselves. Conversely, if you see something you admire, there’s some of that in you too.

    3. Recognize how these flaws limit the way you show up in the world.

    Are any of these weaknesses things you’ve told people about? Or do you tend to keep them to yourself or hide them? Really own up to what you may be ignoring or ashamed about, and what you may be trying to hide.

    For instance, if you snort when you laugh maybe you try to contain it for fear of drawing attention to that sound. Or, perhaps you don’t like the shape of your legs so you always keep them covered. More than likely, if you feel there’s a ‘flaw,’ you’ll try to cover it up.

    4. Now let your imagination run wild!

    I like to call this free association brainstorming. No thought is too small or insignificant, so write down whatever comes to mind after doing the previous exercises.

    Here are some things to consider:

    How can you do something positive with this perceived flaw? What do you find compelling or beautiful about it that others would also find interesting? What might be possible if you stopped trying to hide it? What would you do differently if you believed this flaw to be a strength that makes you unique?

    Try to write a little bit each day as more things come up based on your experience. This writing could be the source of a great big idea!

    5. Choose a creative outlet that leverages your flaw.

    Find a form that feels good to you, whatever medium that might be. It could be a blog post (start a blog if you haven’t already—it could be private for only select people to view), write a story or essay, make art (drawings, sculpture, photographs, paintings, etc.), or even just speak with your friends and family about what you consider to be a flaw, and how you’d like to transform it into something inspiring.

    People you choose to share with may also have helpful input that can be further inspiration, and they will be touched by your willingness to share. They may even be moved to transform their own flaws because of you!

    And above all, love your body, personality, and of course, your skin—because it loves you back.

    What’s your flaw, and how can you use it as creative inspiration?

  • Buddha Doodles: Direct the Mind

    Buddha Doodles: Direct the Mind

    BuddhaDoodles_MollyHahn_DirecttheMind

    Source

  • Coping with the Pain of Loneliness After a Breakup

    Coping with the Pain of Loneliness After a Breakup

    Breakup

    “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.” ~Unknown

    I am at a phase in my life right now where I’m struggling with loneliness.

    Most of the time, I feel a deep sense of disconnection from the world around me and the people I share it with.

    The mere fact that I am writing this in the small hours of the morning, deafened by the ear-splitting silence of an empty flat, unable to sleep, simply emphasizes this point to me even harder.

    The empty flat in question is mine. And the situation in which I find myself was not part of the plan that I had envisioned for my life at this moment in time.

    Everything that was once familiar has now changed.

    It was during the end of summer of last year that I split up with my long-term boyfriend. We had begun our six-year relationship stepping out into the big wide world, side by side, doing the grown-up thing of getting our first place together.

    It was new and exciting. The future looked promising. And to be fair, it did work, on and off, for a respectable number of years.

    However, fast forward past the cluster of good times and the occasional happy holiday, and I found myself having to face up to the heartbreak of a damaged relationship. In particular, the daunting prospect of sharing my future with another human being who, in essence, I just did not feel a connection with anymore.

    I could choose to spend my days feeling alone, on the surface still part of the relationship, but deep down feeling emotionally detached and distanced from him.

    I could patiently wait for the days where I felt an element of hope—the momentary optimism that everything would turn work out okay for us in the end. I could even reason with myself that this is only a rough patch in our relationship, just a little blip in the overall bigger picture.

    Or I could face up to the truth and accept the glaringly obvious: it was over, unfixable, and time to move on.

    For months my thoughts were in constant battle. The laborious task of trying to make things work seemed like it was set up to be life-long endeavor. Neither of us had the enthusiasm anymore. It seemed we had simply lost the passion.

    In the end, we knew what was coming. It was time to call it a day, move on, and go our separate ways.

    Here is what I’ve learned about dealing with loneliness:

    Feel your emotions.

    When you strip away a big part of your life, you feel exposed, empty, and vulnerable.

    During the time after my breakup, I experienced deep feelings of unshakable loneliness. And I still suffer with these feelings from time to time.

    However, I have learned that masking those uncomfortable feelings (my escapism being alcohol and meaningless dates) only leaves the pain unattended for a while longer.

    I started to understand that I needed to accept my loneliness as a true emotion. It would not just softly fade away, no matter how hard I tried to numb my feelings or look for distractions.

    As you experience your emotions, you start to feel lighter. Give them the time and space they need to be fully expressed. Write down your thoughts. Talk about them with someone. Acknowledge that they do exist and that what you are feeling is very real to you.

    Trust that the pain does eventually lose its intensity, making room for you to experience a sense of calmness and clarity amidst the difficulties.

    Listen to your own advice.

    I have indulged in my fair share of self-help books over the years, ranging from detailed accounts on depression, self-esteem issues, and more recently, tips and tricks on beating loneliness.

    These stories may offer a few moments of fleeting comfort as you flick through the pages. But they are not able to take the sting out of the raw emotions that you experience first-hand, such as during those times when you are sitting alone, feeling fed up and isolated from the world around you.

    Therefore, I have learned to take only the advice that works best for my own mind, body, and spirit, and leave the rest for someone else.

    Maybe you are someone like me who prefers to stay at home, enjoying a book, watching a film, or having a bath rather than getting “out there,” meeting people, and forging new relationships.

    Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break, making space during those times when you need to rest and restore. Go at your own pace. Understand that you are your own best teacher. And only you will know when it feels right to take the brave step out of your comfort zone into the unknown.

    Realize there is nothing to fix.

    We know the world is a busy place, crammed full of busy people with busy lives. But that doesn’t mean we need to rush around trying to mend everything that is seemingly wrong with us all of the time.

    While learning to stay with uneasy emotions, I realized that I didn’t need to find a speedy resolution for the difficult feelings. It’s okay to feel lonely; it’s just one of our many human emotions.

    In fact, it was a relief. There was no need to force myself to search in all the wrong places for the solution anymore. I am certainly not the only single person in the world. Why did I feel that I needed to fix this aspect of my life so soon? It wasn’t even broken.

    Try and enjoy the freedom that comes from being detached. Appreciate the opportunity to gain introspection on yourself. You may even discover new interests or familiarize yourself with old forgotten hobbies now that your life has shifted focus.

    Accept how it is.

    Accepting that there is nothing wrong with how I am feeling gave me the grace to relax. There is no problem right now; therefore, there is nothing I urgently need to attend to.

    I know that eventually life will change again; it always does.

    How I am feeling now may not be a true reflection on how I feel in a few weeks, months, or years’ time. And I trust that I will stumble across whatever it is I am looking for at some point again in the future.

    Right now, though, I am experiencing my life as it is, complete with its bundle of thought-provoking emotions that come as part of the package.

    I have learned to accept that this is just another passing chapter in my story, purposely placed here to keep life interesting and meaningful.

    It may not be a highlight, but it is still part of my life. And I can live with that.

  • 5 Steps to Deal with Emotional Baggage So It Doesn’t Define You

    5 Steps to Deal with Emotional Baggage So It Doesn’t Define You

    Woman and a Suitcase

    “Sometimes the past should be abandoned, yes. Life is a journey and you can’t carry everything with you. Only the usable baggage.” ~Ha Jin

    You’ve probably heard of the fear of missing out but what about the fear of letting go?

    My father was volatile and mentally unstable. Criticism was his preferred method of communication. As a child and teenager, I learned to keep my thoughts and feelings locked away and became an expert at deflecting personal questions.

    Without realizing it, I carried this habit into adulthood, avoiding any talk about my feelings or turning them into a joke. When a friend finally called me on it, the shock of self-recognition quickly turned to resistance. This is who I am, I thought. Why should I change?

    I plodded on, working as hard as ever to keep my fortress intact. It wasn’t making me happy yet I wasn’t ready to change.

    As I struggled with my desire to cling to hurtful memories and self-defeating behaviors, it dawned on me that I was afraid to let go because defensiveness was part of my identity.

    The problem wasn’t that I had baggage—everyone has baggage—but that it had come to define me. I didn’t know who I would be without it. At that point it hit me: I had to dig deep, discover the person I wanted to be, and then act on it.

    After I identified that I was holding on to the past because it seemed too important to jettison, I discovered that letting go is harder than it sounds. Relaxing a long-held belief isn’t a one-day, one-week, or even a one-year process. However, it is possible.

    This is the five-step process I discovered:

    1. Write an honest list of the thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that weigh you down.

    Grab a pen and notebook, find a quiet space, and spend thirty to forty minutes thinking and writing. It is important to be honest and write down whatever comes to mind. Don’t judge what comes up, just take note.

    2. Reflect on each item and identify the source of the thought/belief.

    Travel back in time and see where you picked up these items of baggage. Do you fear intimacy because a partner cheated on you? Do you dread holidays because your parents drank too much? Acknowledge the painful memories but don’t wallow in them. Write it down and move on to the next step.

    3. Find at least one positive in each hurtful experience/situation.

    Look for the silver lining in your cloud. For example, my father’s criticism made me aware of the power of words and taught me the importance of speaking with kindness. Looking for the good in the past helps you reclaim your power. You are no longer a victim; you decide what you take from that experience.

    4. Create affirmations to foster change and counteract negative thoughts.

    Take the positives from step four and turn them into affirmations or statements of intent, i.e.: “I will speak with love” or “I will treat people with kindness.” This puts the emphasis on positive future behavior and frees you from the past. Make the affirmations tangible: put a reminder on your phone, write them on post-its, or put a list on the fridge.

    5. Practice patience and mindfulness.

    It takes time to change habits, especially when they are rooted in deep hurts or fears. Check in with yourself regularly using journaling or meditation. If you find yourself shouldering old baggage, be sure to acknowledge it, then gently release it and focus on your affirmations. Replacing negative thoughts with positive actions will help you let go for good.

    There are infinite possibilities for each of us, baggage notwithstanding. Everyone has pain. It’s part of what makes us who we are. What defines us, however, is how we handle it. One of my favorite artists, Bruce Springsteen, has some wise words on the subject:

    “You can find your identity in the damage that’s been done to you. You find your identity in your wounds, in your scars, in the places where you’ve been beat up and you turn them into a medal. We all wear the things we’ve survived with some honor, but the real honor is in also transcending them.”

    By taking the time to identify and understand our baggage and making a conscious decision to let go, we free ourselves to experience life in a richer, deeper, more meaningful way.

    Photo by Donnie Nunley

  • How the Story Ends

    How the Story Ends

    How the Story Ends

    Source: Quotes Lover