Tag: wisdom
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How Pain from the Past Can Be a Gift in the Present
“When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” ~Unknown
Don’t hate your past. No matter what it contained or what it did to you, the past shapes who you are, not just for the things you felt damaged you but for the lessons you can take from it.
I love working with the people I call the world shakers. They’re the people who want to make a difference in the world so that they leave it in a slightly better way than they found it.
I love these types of people because they’re so driven by their heart and passion for others. They’re kind. They value people.
You know what else these people have in common? They have empathy for others and a desire to make the world a better place. Not in a showy, “give me the Nobel Peace Prize” kind of way (although a bit more showy-ness wouldn’t go amiss!) but in a gentle, modest way.
Do you know what really amazes and inspires me about world shakers? They’ve had their own hurts, challenges, and heartbreaks but instead of letting those things harden them and make them brittle, they’ve allowed themselves to stay open and vulnerable.
They’ve taken those things that have wounded, battered, and pierced them and transformed the experiences into fierce empathy for others.
They can’t walk past the person who’s struggling because they know how it feels to struggle. They have a way of recognizing the human condition in all of us.
They turn it outward and use it as a learning experience, one that enhances their ability to empathize and drives their conviction to change things for others.
It could be the mother who refuses to pass on the cycle of abuse she experienced to her own kids, or the teacher who bans the world “stupid” from her classroom because she can remember how much it crippled her to hear it as a child.
It could be the man who gives coffee to the homeless guy every day because he can knows what it’s like to feel like no one cares about you, or the recovering addict who works with troubled teens to try and save them the pain of his experiences.
World shaking is often driven by a need to make things better because of the pain we’ve suffered ourselves.
Still, I still have to catch myself when I bemoan the things that have happened to me over the years. Like everyone, I’ve had my share of unpleasant, difficult, and down right heart breaking experiences.
For the longest time I was angry at the world because I’d experienced them. I hated the mistakes I made. I berated myself for my screw-ups and stupid choices. I felt defined by them—embarrassed and soiled—like I should be wearing a T-Shirt with the words “Damaged Goods” on it.
One day, a very wise person said these words to me:
Everything that has ever happened to you is the perfect preparation for the person you’re destined to become.
And everything flipped.
Those things that I had regretted so much had shaped me. What’s more, I had a choice in it. I had inadvertently used those things that had happened to me as things that drove me forward. Many of the things I’d become interested in, my passions, and my values were driven by those very experiences.
I’m a passionate advocate for reducing the stigma associated with mental health issues, and I started my whole journey of learning about personal development and emotional resilience because of my own battles with stress-related illness.
I help people find joy, passion, and a sense of purpose at work and that’s undoubtedly because I spent so many years in jobs that didn’t suit or that where I didn’t feel I was making a difference.
I’ve also struggled in jobs that really did suit me because I didn’t know how to handle the stresses and challenges our work can bring. I didn’t understand the importance of asking for help, having strong support networks, actively managing stress, and making sure I wasn’t mentally giving myself a hard time too often.
Having to take a break due to burn out and stress felt horrible at the time it happened to me. But during that time out I studied, trained, and read—a lot!
I realized that resilience is a practice, not some innate skill that you either have or you don’t. I learned how to develop my own resilience and that made me immensely driven to help others do it, too.
My dark times also forged my sense of empathy, a key skill I bring to my work. If I’d had the “charmed” life I’d originally wanted, would this have been the case? Somehow I doubt it.
All of the lessons I’ve learned led to wisdom that can only be gained through experiencing life’s ups and downs.
Hard lessons learned are deep lessons. They shape us. Most of us are familiar with the term post-traumatic stress, but did you know there is also a phenomenon called post-traumatic growth?
It’s the ability to grow through adversity—to come out the other end stronger, clearer, and with a renewed zest for life.
I think that’s what many of us fail to recognize in ourselves, that those dark times, far from diminishing us, can give us the most profound of gifts—the gift of recognizing human life in all its messy, painful, courageous glory.
We can take those gifts and use them to be a beacon to others to say, “It’s okay. I’ve been there. This too will pass.”
And that surely is a real gift worth giving.
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How to Really Live Instead of Merely Existing
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~Norman Cousins
“Come here and take Dora out to get some milk.”
With those simple words, I knew my father’s time was short. Not a man to ask for help, I knew that milk was just an excuse to get me to come to his side.
My father was a gruff, angry, bitter man who had sealed himself off from nearly everyone. I spoke with him at 7:00 am every Saturday morning for fifteen years. In those conversations he complained about nearly every human interaction he had experienced in the space between my calls.
I rarely missed a call and usually alerted him if I knew I would not be able to call him at the designated hour. Nonetheless, he was blunt about his annoyance if 7:00 am passed without a call, and I heard about it loud and clear.
But, even though I lived only thirty minutes away and my calls were obviously important to him in some way, I actually saw him only about once each year. That was the way he wanted it.
That February morning when I arrived at his apartment, I was shocked by what I saw. Dad gasped for air and he was thin, so thin that I could easily make out the knobs of his knees under the jeans that gaped at his waist.
A walker I didn’t know he needed was parked beside his chair. A wheelchair borrowed from a loan closet was folded beside the front door. I had no idea that my father was so ill, and obviously had been very ill for a long time.
He didn’t protest when I told him I was calling 911.
At the hospital, he yielded to the efficient care of the attending ER physician. He didn’t like it but he yielded, eyeing the doctor with suspicion.
Dora, my father’s companion of more than twenty years, fretted that people die in hospitals, and she wanted him to come home to their apartment before something awful happened to him.
Hadn’t something awful already happened? Didn’t it happen a long, long time ago?
By all accounts, Dad was a sweet child, a devoted son and brother, an irreverent jokester. But, his marriage to my mother was loud, tense, and turbulent because of her mental illness and his dependence on alcohol.
Nonetheless, when she died three decades ago, he took her death very hard and really never recovered.
Long before he entered the hospital that day, from childhood through adulthood and into his later years, my father died bit by bit. He lost his sweetness. He grew hard and mean and he drew high walls around Dora and himself.
For a time, Dad and Dora had a dog. When the little Cairn terrier died, they closed in even tighter, virtually never leaving their apartment except to venture to the grocery story less than one mile away.
During the week between his arrival at the hospital and his return home to his apartment under hospice care, I learned a lifetime of lessons from my father.
At the time, I was grieving the end of my own thirty-five year marriage and I was suffering. I had resolved some time before never to become bitter or angry at my husband or at life, but watching my father approach death as someone already dead truly taught me that lacking bitterness and anger was not enough. It was time for me to live.
What were those lessons that taught me to live?
Lesson 1: Become aware without judgment.
Don’t let your opinions get in the way of being aware. I had not been able to see my father clearly because I judged him for how he lived and how he treated others. Judging him for that did not change him. But, in letting go of my judgment of him, I did change myself.
Lesson 2: Release expectations.
Unfulfilled expectations lead to disappointment. When you release your expectations, you become open to options. In a sense, your world broadens and you invite possibilities that otherwise might not exist.
I watched my father’s world grow smaller as he experienced disappoint throughout his life. In having specific expectations, he missed many of life’s opportunities. Likewise, when I released my expectations about him, I found myself much more comfortable in his presence and far more patient with his actions.
Lesson 3: Let the light in.
As hard as it may be to throw open the curtains and let the sun shine in, just do it. Look for the good. Surround yourself with positive people. Pursue activities that you enjoy.
My father rejected the very things that could have let the light in for him. He ended relationships. He stopped going out into the world. He kept the walls up and people out.
In my own way, I had done some of the same things. As my marriage frayed, I had hunkered down declining to participate in my own life. When I realized that, I began to reach out to my friends and family. I picked up my camera and took myself to my favorite photography spots. It was hard when I started; it got easier.
Lesson 4: Fall in love with who you are. Right now.
Don’t wait until you lose ten pounds, finish your degree, learn a second language, climb Mt. Everest, or even finish your morning coffee. Commit to loving yourself as you are right now. My father had complicated views about himself and others. I suspect he didn’t like himself much. I doubt that he ever gave much thought to whether he loved himself.
As his life was winding down and my marriage was ending, an interesting thing happened. At that improbable time, I chose to love myself.
I committed to treating myself kindly and gently. I allowed myself to become aware without judgment. I released myself from unreasonable expectations I had about how I should be. I gave myself the freedom to be positive and enjoy.
In that week, I came to see my father for exactly who he was and to love him fiercely despite the angry face he showed the world. I also came to lovingly acknowledge that in a short time I would be letting go of him as well as my marriage.
On the other side of that acknowledgment I knew I would find my new life and I would thrive.
Photo by rettenberg
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How to Wake up Every Morning on Top of The World
“You get peace of mind not by thinking about it or imagining it, but by quietening and relaxing the restless mind.” ~Remez Sasson
What’s the first thought that goes through your head when you wake up in the morning? Is it deliberate, or is it the default “Oh shi#$, it’s 6:00!”?
If that’s how you start your day, then it’s likely your day will be filled with anxiety and stress. It’s not exactly the most productive mechanism for getting things done.
Questions are quite powerful if used in the right way. (more…)
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25 Ways to Be Good for Someone Else
“Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.” ~Unknown
When I was a teenager, right around the time I knew everything, my mother used to tell me I only remembered the bad things.
When I told stories about my family, they didn’t revolve around family beach trips, barbecues, and vacations; they focused on painful memories and all the ways I felt my childhood had damaged me.
The same applied to friends and milestones in my life. I chronically remembered and rehashed the worst experiences.
In fact, straight through college I followed up every introductory handshake with a dramatic retelling of my life story, focusing on a laundry list of grievances about people who had done me wrong.
It was as if I was competing for most royally screwed over in life, like there was some kind of prize for being the most tragic and victimized. (Full disclosure: I hoped that prize was compassion and unconditional love. It was more like discomfort and avoidance).
Not everyone is as negative or needy as woe-is-me-younger Lori was, but I’ve noticed that many of us have something in common with my misguided past self: We focus on how we’ve been hurt far more than how we’ve been helped.
Psychologists suggest that to some degree we complain because we’re looking to connect with people who can relate to the universal struggles we all face (though in some cases, complaining is a constructive way to find solutions to problems as opposed to a chronic need to vent negativity). I think there’s more to it, though.
When we complain about everything that’s gone wrong or everyone who has done us wrong, we’re drowning in our self-involvement. (more…)
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How to Start Feeling Confident, Worthy, and “Enough”
“The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” ~James Allen
Low self-esteem is like a garden weed. Uproot it while it’s small, or face the consequences of an unruly mess down the road.
Its true, I have gone to extreme lengths to supplement my low self-esteem. Hair colors, tattoos, new hobbies, new jobs, moving in, moving out. I was always waiting for there to be “enough.”
Enough what? Enough things where I could rest, feel satisfied, and be “equal” to everyone else. However, even though I often got what I wanted, the rewards were either brief or nonexistent.
None of the fillers ever provided what I needed, and like a fool I’d move onto the next thing thinking, “Ok, this is really what I need!”
“Your family is supportive, you have enough money, you’re attractive, you’re talented,” a good friend once told me candidly. “I can’t for the life of me figure out why you’re so insecure.”
It was strange to stop and contemplate what he had said. I’d never thought of myself as the normal person with a complex that didn’t make sense. I’d known others with my problem, but usually their reasons were evident, like demanding parents or school bullies.
“Why on earth am I like this? My life is so bland and…regular,” I thought.
Eventually, after much wasted time, money, objects, friends, and opportunities, I stopped accumulating.
I realized I was never going to reach my long-awaited mecca of “enough” and I had only accumulated junk anyway. The wheels had been spinning, but the car hadn’t gone anywhere.
I noticed that a lot of other people didn’t need anything in particular. It was as if they were “born whole.” The reassurance simply couldn’t come from outside sources or people, because I’d tried that. It did no good.
This led me to the tough truth. Real progress comes from helping yourself and doing what’s hard. Real progress certainly does not come from avoidance and shallow reassurances.
What I had been doing the whole time prior to this discovery was irresponsible.
The problem with a negative self-image is that it feels like a fact. Imagine trying to convince someone that water isn’t really water, it’s soda. Yea. Not gonna get many quick believers on that bandwagon.
Another thing is that maintaining a negative opinion of yourself is extremely easy. A lot of us self-haters are lazy-boned veterans, sitting atop a throne of self-pity. In a sad sense, it’s the only thing we’re sure we know how to do.
However, there are some things you can do to quell this horrible habit.
For one, every time you find yourself hesitating to act because you’re afraid or you don’t believe you are “worthy,” rationalize it.
For example, “My idea is just like everyone else’s at this board meeting. In reality, no one is going to think much about it. Even Bob from accounting gave his input, and his was a bit silly.”
Now I’m not saying to knock others down, but making light of the situation often makes you realize the triviality of the thing you are worrying about.
Another thing that’s important is risk-taking. No, I don’t mean driving backward on the highway is going to heighten your self-esteem. Those are the kind of superficial risks I would take to try to prove something to myself.
But the really difficult and meaningful risks to take are emotional risks.
Letting others in on how you feel, telling someone your fears, or reaching out to an acquaintance you don’t know too well. These are all noble risks, and often people with low self-esteem miss out on the growth opportunities that come with them.
A psychologist once said self-esteem = achievements/expectations. So if you have ten expectations of yourself and you’ve only achieved one of them, your self-esteem won’t be so great.
On the other hand, if you have five and you are achieving all five of them, you’ll likely feel at peace with yourself.
So to simplify, determine what your goals are, and then do them! Make sure they’re attainable and your expectations aren’t extreme.
If you’ve always wanted to be something and you’re not working at it, you’ll never be proud of yourself—because you’re not even being yourself.
Maybe self-help tapes aren’t your cup of tea. And maybe you shudder at the thought of standing in front of your bathroom mirror chanting, “I love myself.” But you really are going to have to do things that are a bit outside of your comfort zone.
Never underestimate the power of waking up and putting on real pants. (I know I used to.) Moping around in pajamas all day is not an option. Think, “What would confident me be doing right now?”
You might feel like you’re faking it at first, but over time, the “real you” and the ideal “confident you” will slowly morph into the same person.
Photo by LadyReddevil
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3 Vital Lessons on Living a Life That Won’t Lead to Regret
“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brene Brown
Even though I’m a psychologist who has been working in the field of development and assessment for the last thirteen years, sometimes it still takes more than reading a theory in a book, or even seeing something work with a client, to make it real for me.
Here are three of the moments that have had the most impact on me and the way I live my life.
1. Each of us has the power to change our situation.
I worked for ten years at a company I mostly loved, in a job I mostly loved, but it was a job that didn’t really love me. It was long hours, hard and stressful work.
I thought I thrived on it for a long time, until I slowly came to realize I didn’t have much of a life outside of work.
I had some health issues that didn’t seem to be improving, but I was hoping, year after year, that things would somehow get better. But it seemed things never did.
My breakthrough moment was realizing that I had the power within me to change the situation. Sometimes a choice might be a hard choice, but it’s still a choice.
So instead of going for the next promotion, I resigned. I moved to SE Asia, where I’ve been living and working freelance for a year now. My life still has work as part of it, but also coffee shops, blogging, friends, fun, travel, and yoga. And passion and purpose in a way it didn’t before.
I had the power to change the situation all along, and eventually, I did.
Consider your own life.
Is there anything that you want to change?
Are you waiting for someone else to make it happen?
Take the power back and take a step toward change yourself.
Change can be hard, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. And if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.
2. Act to ensure you feel like you’ve done your best by the relationships in your life at any given moment.
My dad died six years ago, and after the worst of the grieving was done, it gave me another breakthrough moment.
He died suddenly from a heart attack with no warning at fifty-five. It was a terrible shock for all of us. But through the sadness, I was very grateful that I had no regrets about the way our relationship had been. I’d loved him unreservedly, I’d spent time with him, I’d laughed with him, and I’d shared my life with him.
The situation made clear to me that anyone can be taken from us at any time.
And that, even though it sounds a bit macabre, I should live my relationships as though the person could die at any minute.
It’s ensured I respond in a different way to situations that previously could have been blown out of proportion. It’s helped me to avoid many arguments, but also speak up and be honest about my own feelings.
It’s helped me to have the best possible relationship I can with the people I love. And, in fact, some I don’t. I no longer waste time, as I know that time is finite.
How are your relationships right now? With family, with friends?
How would you feel if someone you loved died today? Is there anything you would change about the way you contributed to the relationship?
Remember that while it’s not possible to change how other people respond, it is possible to work on your own responses. Sometimes that can take time and effort, but better now than when it’s too late.
3. What’s right for others isn’t necessarily right for you.
Another breakthrough moment was in the last couple of months, as I’ve been living a very different life in Thailand to the life of the corporate businesswoman I was in the UK.
The study of personality and individual differences is a core part of my training, and something I work with all the time.
I’ve viewed the success of Susan Cain’s book about introverts, Quiet, with interest, as I’m a definite introvert myself, but one who’s always adapted her behavior to demonstrate extrovert behaviors, at work and even with friends.
Recently, my very extrovert mum visited Thailand to spend a month working on our blog and website. This prompted me to realize that I no longer adjust my behaviour as much as I used to.
I spend a lot of time alone, I work in coffee shops with people buzzing around me, but in my own little bubble. But more importantly, I’m okay with that life. I accept that this is the right life for me at the moment, and is giving me the kind of nourishment I need.
And I don’t need to worry about making lots of new friends and doing lots of social activities, as some people suggest to me. I’m okay living the life that’s right for me.
Whilst it’s good to listen to other points of view, I know that what’s right for others isn’t necessarily right for me. And I have the strength to follow my own path.
Are there any aspects of your life that you are living according to what others think is right, rather than what’s right for you?
We are all different, every one of the billions of us alive right now, and we need different things to grow and develop into our “best self.”
Give yourself the best possible chance at this by creating an environment that nurtures you, rather than what others think should nurture you, or what you think should nurture you.
You Own Your Story
All of these three breakthrough moments—taking back the power to make my own choices, ensuring my relationships are in the best possible state, and following my own path despite others’ opinions—had at their core me owning my own story.
If there’s one overarching lesson I would like to share with you, whispering it gently, kindly, but persistently in your ear, it’s that you own your own story.
No one else is writing it for you.
So write with a loving hand, reflecting on your own breakthrough moments, but don’t sit around passively waiting for the story to just happen.
Take a step toward a more nourishing, powerful, and loving life right now.
Photo by Chris Parker
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How to Stop Limiting Yourself and Feel Fully Alive
“You can only grow if you’re willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” ~Brian Tracy
I like my comfort zone and I hate it. It’s safe, but if I stay there too long it starts to feel like a cage. No wild creature is happy in a cage, and we’re all wild creatures at heart.
Sure, we like the reliability of being well fed, clothed, safe, and loved. It’s my theory though (formed just this second) that we are meant to hunt, to seek, to struggle, to engage with a world that offers no guarantees.
Like a caged animal, we become depressed when we play it too safe. “Safe” offers no challenge, no growth, and no newness. Without those things we wither and die inside; we watch too much TV, we eat junk food, we numb out.
Could it be that the prevalence of depression in First World countries is because our lives don’t challenge us as much as we need them to?
We all need exercise to be healthy. Muscles need to break to become strong. Do our hearts and minds also need challenge to thrive?
About eighteen months ago I got sick. It was a weird benign tumor that caused a lot of pain, enough pain that I took myself to hospital at three one morning.
Eventually, the tumor healed and the pain stopped. It didn’t go away; it just stopped hurting me. In the meantime, though, I became very careful, controlled, and I dropped out of my life. I felt afraid and limited. I lost faith in myself.
My world got very small and I became too dependent on those close to me. I was not much fun. I lost friendships.
Now I am rebuilding. It’s not always easy, but I’m on the way back.
I can now see that my comfort zone isn’t comfortable. My fears and limitations have drawn the boundaries of my life, and that’s a small cage to live in.
That’s not how I want to live. I remember more lively times and I want that power and flow back. I want to break through the darkness into the bright light, where life is colorful again.
I want my life back.
If you also need to expand your comfort zone, you may benefit from applying these lessons that are helping me:
1. Get honest.
Ask questions. Get really clear on what is true for you. What do you think? What do you feel? What do you want? What is useful? What’s the truth?
Truth can be hard to take, but it puts you on solid ground. You can walk forward on solid ground.
For me, right now I am “calling myself out” on the lie that I lack the power to make changes.
2. Change is possible.
We can make changes. You may have had a vibrant life before and you can make one again. Know you can change and try new things.
When I decide I’m a victim, it’s a lie. It is just not true. Granted, while I was sick change may have been too hard, but that’s not true anymore.
3. Change is uncomfortable, and that’s okay.
It doesn’t come without risk. We can’t stay in our comfort zones and expand at the same time. Growing is going to be uncomfortable. It’s even going to feel wrong. Do it anyway.
The only way to get a bigger comfort zone is to do things outside it until they don’t scare you anymore. Then repeat.
4. Change happens step by step.
Changes seem big when you start out, but they’re just a series of small steps. They’re just a tiny set of actions. They’re the sum of the things you do, day by day.
A slight change in trajectory is a huge change over time. It doesn’t happen all at once.
5. Explore possibility.
Every day, write a list of things that may take you in the direction you want to go. Write a list of ways to expand your life. Write a list of solutions. Write a list of “could do’s”.
You don’t even need to keep the lists. The good ones will stick. They’ll pop up again and again like your favourite muppet.
6. Take one tiny risk a day.
Set yourself one tiny risk. Commit to doing it. That means you have to do it. No second-guessing. You said you would do it; you’re doing it! It may not be the “right” action, but that’s irrelevant. It’s the thing you chose to try.
7. Every action is an experiment.
Not every little risk will pay off, but that’s life, that’s learning. Every action will teach you something.
I did well in school; it’s taken me a long time to get comfortable with failing and actually “learning to learn.” The school of life is a better teacher and a tougher one. That’s my school right now.
8. Courage is more important than success.
I heard Brené Brown say, “Being courageous is more important than being successful.” I have that on my wall. I think it’s true. Taking small risks makes me feel alive. The other name for “fear” is “thrill.”
9. Risk develops resilience.
We gain resilience with practice by striving, failing, and getting up again. It’s how we build emotional muscle. Sure, have a cry, share your humiliations with a trusted someone, then get back up and take the next step. Being courageous feels scary and good.
And so, right now, I extend invitations knowing I may be rejected. I commit to writing projects that may not be published. I open up more to those closest to me and really let them in.
I open up my world one step at a time, and it’s scary and it’s thrilling. The colors are brighter at the edge of my comfort zone.
I am learning that my fears are false dragons guarding the gold. The dragons look real, but really, only the gold is.
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Why It Doesn’t Pay to Put Wealth Above Health (and 3 Tips to Get Fit)
“Man surprised me most about humanity. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.” ~The Dalai Lama
It was three in the morning. The mean, destructive words that someone had said to me back in high school were replaying in my mind like a broken record.
“You’re fat! Why are you swimming with your shirt on? Stop eating so much!”
As I heard each word in the back of my mind, I felt the passion begin to burn within me to help those who were overweight and suffering from self-worth issues, like I once was.
At eighteen years old, I decided to open up my own fitness business. I had a burning desire to help others because I knew was it was like to feel worthless inside, to hate looking at yourself in the mirror, and to not be able to take your shirt off in front of people because you were embarrassed of your body.
The desire was so intense that it had me getting up every morning at 3:00am to study, research, and work on my business.
I was working at the gym, building my business from 5.30am to 9.30pm, five days a week. Other health coaches kept telling me, “Matt, you need to settle down; you’re going to get burned out!”
But I thought I was Superman at the time, replying with comments like, “You just don’t want this as bad as I do!”
Time went by, and at a young age I thought I had everything. I was doing what I love, I was getting massive results for my health coaching clients, and I was earning high amounts of money. Business was great! But even though I felt I had everything, there was still one thing missing.
I was constantly getting sick and taking time off of work. I was sleeping four hours a night. I was getting sleep paralysis. I wasn’t making time to prepare my meals or train myself anymore, and my energy was deteriorating so much that I had my own little bed in the staff room so I could take naps in between coaching clients.
Day in and day out I was struggling, until one day, I walked into my parents’ bathroom and gazed over at the mirror. Tears started running down my face.
I slowly crouched down to the ground with both hands on my head. I was shocked at seeing how my own personal standards had dropped so much, to the point where I had gained back most of the body fat I’d once had.
I suddenly realized that the thing I was missing was my health.
The sadness quickly turned into anger burning within me. I used the anger as fuel to make a decision that was about to change my life.
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hated that I wasn’t able to be productive throughout the day because I had no energy to do anything. And I was fed up with not being congruent with what I was teaching my clients.
I ran down into my basement and grabbed a small notebook. I wrote down everything I was committed to changing and the reasons why I must change it now.
I made a decision that from that day forward, I wasn’t going to value contribution, success, or wealth higher than my health and body.
I was going to value health above everything and treat my body like a temple.
I began cleansing my body with fresh vegetables juices, I started exercising again five days a week, I became vegan, and I began riding to work instead of driving. I started doing little things that mattered and was going to produce more health, energy, and vibrancy.
I learned a lot of things during this chapter of my life that may be useful to you:
1. Value health above everything.
When you value building wealth above your health, you will face massive challenges, either in the short term or in the long term. But when you value health above everything else, the results you create in that area will translate to all other areas of your life.
You will feel more spiritually connected, you will feel more confident with yourself, you will produce more throughout your day, and you will have pure energy to spend time and be playful with those who matter most.
2. Schedule, schedule, schedule!
If you don’t take the time to schedule, it’s mostly like not going to happen. That was true for me.
It might be helpful for you to take time on a Friday or Saturday to schedule when you will prepare your meals for the week, when you will eat, and when you will exercise, meditate, or do yoga.
3. Find an accountability partner or coach.
Although I didn’t have a health coach, I learned the importance of connecting with someone with higher standards than you in the area you’re trying to improve. I actually had an accountability phone call on a Monday morning, where a friend and I would exchange our goals for the week.
Our goals ranged from running half an hour five days a week to having a green vegetable juice and salad every day. We attached consequences to not following through by making a commitment to each other that we would do 100 squat thrusts if we didn’t accomplish those goals we set out. Ouch!
Jim Rohn once said, “Take care of your body. It’s the only place we have to live in.” My only hope is that you take his advice and the lessons I’ve learned and start applying them to your life.
Have you ever valued work above your health? If so, what has it cost you?
Photo by Jesslef
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Why It’s Okay to Be Self-Centered Sometimes
“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men.” ~Herman Melville
I grew up with a faith that encouraged personal sacrifice for others. Putting myself before others or desiring what they lacked was sinful. So there I was, during my teenage years, trying to be a saint, completely unselfish when thinking or interacting with others.
I must admit that I was always in the equation.
If I gave advice to others, I did it for them but also for the good feeling of improving their lives. If I helped someone else solve their math problems, I did it for that person, but also because I enjoyed the new perspectives gained through teaching, and so on.
Guilty Self-Centered
I realized that whenever I was about to help others, I anticipated the benefit I was about to receive, whether it was a good feeling, some sort of recognition, more consideration, or leadership experience. And I wanted that repressed benefit.
But at that time, being centered on me, even slightly, was not good. That was sinful.
So I kept trying to remove my desire to receive before I was about to give. I felt guilty, hiding my self-interests.
I wanted to care for others, but I was hardly innocently others-centered.
Something was missing.
I knew deeply in my heart that things should not be that way, that desiring gains for myself was a good thing. I felt this was a legitimate need.
Helping myself and helping others appeared to not be mutually exclusive.
The Dangers of Being Solely Others-Centered
The mother who stays up late at night is not purely baby-centered; she has love and affection needs she is fulfilling for herself.
This post can’t be purely centered on you because if you don’t give me feedback (positive or negative), I won’t be able to improve my weak points or bring more of what you liked it. If I get these gains for me, you get more of my writing. The improvement of the teacher improves the student, and vice versa.
Many parents killed their children and themselves when they didn’t secure their own oxygen mask first in flight emergencies. That’s why the aviation authorities recommend, “If you travel with someone who needs assistance, secure your own mask first, before assisting the other.”
An act of self-interest is actually the condition of being able to care for others.
You can’t help others from a weak condition. Your “weakest you” weakens others. Your “strongest you” strengthen others.
We can’t sacrifice ourselves in the name of others because in doing so, we hurt ourselves and them.
When I realized that my well-being was linked to the well-being of others, that caring about myself was caring about others, I felt liberated and more capable of helping others.
I think this is conscious selfishness.
If your choices help only others but not you, then you are doing us all a disservice, since you are helping us from an underdeveloped state of being. The more you weaken physically, financially, emotionally, the less you can care for others in these areas.
Being Self-Centered at Times Helps Others
The more you help yourself get stronger, the more you can help the weakest.
The more you help yourself get happier, the more you can help the saddest.
The more you help yourself get relaxed, the more you can help the most stressed.
The more you help yourself get wealthier, the more you can help the poorest.
And if you become far stronger/happier/healthier/wealthier than the average, then the more people you will be able to help in the world.
Find the ways your strength would help others. Reading a math book could make you wiser for your children; going to the movie theater could relax you so you will bring higher vibes to your home.
You can’t help others from a weakest position. An ill person can’t help us to be healthier; a hungry person can’t feed others.
Be at peace with yourself when you are well-intentioned selfish.
You might be thinking: Should I do things for myself only when that helps others? Does all this mean that I can’t do things just for myself anymore?
I enjoy eating ice cream without remotely being aware how my pleasure helps others. I keep doing what feels good for my senses and my being.
Maybe doing things for ourselves feels so good because at the end, even if we don’t perceive it, our happiness helps others.
Let’s celebrate that each one of us is so important for all of us. We are one!
Photo by Kyle Garrity
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Reclaim Your Power: Stop Waiting for Other People to Make You Happy
“You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone.” ~Maya Angelou
My knees hit the pavement, unable to hold me up as I watched my entire life purpose drive away.
I had put my entire heart and soul into that relationship. I had sacrificed everything—my family, my friends, my career, my hobbies. And now I had nothing. What had gone wrong?
I lay there for a while, quite convinced that the pain and unhappiness was going to be the end of me. I wallowed in the misery of it all.
Then something touched my face. I brushed it away and opened my eyes.
A breeze had shaken loose dozens of leaves from the autumn tree above me. Scarlet and gold and sunset orange leaves were drifting down to me. Beyond them was the periwinkle blue sky with gigantic fluffy white clouds floating about.
I stared at the beauty around me. I had spent so long looking inward, criticizing myself, working to become better, to become enough for a person that had their own issues. And in doing so I had lost sight of just what a beautiful and amazing place the world could be.
Putting my life on hold for others wasn’t getting me anywhere. I was miserable, I was broke, and I was alone. Enough was enough.
Something was going to change, and in that moment I determined that what needed to change was me.
I was no longer going to shut myself away from the world. I was no longer going to ignore all the good things that were out there. From now on I would live a life of open eyes, a life of appreciation, a life of simplicity, a life of happiness.
In the following months I learned more about myself than I had in my entire lifetime, and in applying those lessons to my everyday life I became truly happy and deeply appreciative of the world around me. I also discovered the strength of the power within me.
Here is what I have learned:
No one will ever love you as much as you can love yourself.
If all you want is to be loved, you need to understand that no one will ever fulfill that feeling as much as if you wholly and completely loved yourself. Many of us have grown up with movies like Jerry Maguire that promise a perfect person who will complete you.
It may seem radical, but what if that person was you? What if you acted as your own true love? Choose love for yourself over the fear of being alone and realize your own power.
No one is worth sacrificing your values for.
We all sacrifice a certain part of ourselves for others, whether it’s deciding not to get a cat because your significant other is allergic, or getting up early every Saturday to drive your child to football practice. These sacrifices are a way of showing we care about another person’s happiness and well-being.
But anyone who cares about your own happiness and well-being with never ever want you to sacrifice your values. Our values are what define us as human beings. To deny them is to deny our very essence. Stay true to them and to yourself.
There is always something to be grateful for.
Just as in my darkest moment I saw how truly beautiful this world could be, so can you find something to appreciate.
Take time out every day to witness the wonders that exist not just around you but within you. From the way your body allows you to run and jump and dance and sing, to the sunshine and fresh fruit on a summer’s day.
If you take the time to notice it, life is really very wonderful.
Spending time alone doesn’t mean you have to be lonely or bored.
When you spend time alone you learn more about yourself than you ever could in a crowded room.
By being alone you can determine your own likes and needs without any external influences. You can discover passions you never knew existed, and when you don’t have to worry about what other people will think you are able to pursue them wholeheartedly.
There is always something new waiting to be discovered. Seek it out and become your own best friend.
When you say no, you open yourself up to more meaningful yeses.
By being a people pleaser and saying yes to every opportunity that crossed your path, you may have thought you were doing yourself a favor—that people would appreciate you more. But without creating boundaries, you give people an opening to take advantage of your generous nature, and risk becoming burnt out and resentful.
Instead, learn the power of no. Take time out for yourself so that when you do say yes, it’s sincere and meaningful.
Change and grow a little each day.
No matter how much you feel you’ve lost yourself, you can always instigate change and rediscover who you truly are. It’s okay to start small. Try a new hobby, go on a holiday, do something you’ve always wanted to try. Expand gradually. Learn a little more each day.
By putting yourself first you can discover who you truly are and form an identity separate from any other person and unique to you.
By forming a loving, happy, confident base to work with, you teach others to respect you as a person. When you become a whole and complete individual it doesn’t matter what storms appear in your horizon; you will have the strength to weather them.
Photo by blob-fish
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Dare to Stand Out: 3 Ways to Let Your Unique Self Shine
“If your number one goal is to make sure that everyone likes and approves of you, then you risk sacrificing your uniqueness, and, therefore, your excellence.” ~Unknown
I can remember many times in my life when I was afraid to stand out.
When listening to a lecture or panel discussion at school, I always had questions to ask, but the moment I finally raised my hand, my heart would start palpitating and gravity would force my arm down.
The same thing happened in business meetings. I struggled to articulate my ideas, although I was sure they could have brought some new impulses. In the end, I felt miserable, as I’d missed another chance to join the debate.
Why was it so difficult to speak out on the topics I was interested in? I’d missed so many opportunities to contribute and make my voice heard; to crack jokes or wear the clothes I wanted to wear; to try crazy things or be the only one on the dance floor.
I missed out on being me, but I couldn’t manage to overcome my fear of standing out.
What would others think of me?
What if I said something stupid?
What if they laughed?
What if everybody stared at me?Why don’t we dare to stand out more often?
Starting at a very early age, we learn that standing out is not desirable. When children speak their mind or they’re loud, playing wild games, adults tell them to calm down and be quiet. Many parents fear their offspring standing out in a way that might not be flattering, whereas when it comes to competing with others, kids are absolutely encouraged to stand out.
In school, when articulating an opinion or questioning what they’ve learned, students are often labeled rebellious. Few teachers manage to appreciate uniqueness, because it means work.
In adolescence, we’re torn between the desire to express our individuality and the urge to be accepted. Many times, we prefer to fit in because we’ve learned that we’re only going to belong to a group if we are like others expect us to be. But deep inside, we feel that something is missing.
Showing Your True Colors
Daring to stand out means being your true self, speaking your mind, dressing the way you want, or laughing out loud, even if you’re the only one who finds something funny.
It means being different, following your dreams when no one believes in you, speaking up when no one else does, and making a difference in your life or the life of others by being who you are.
Standing out implies being in the limelight, even if your audience consists of only one person.
Whether it’s changing your life for good, getting a style makeover, asking uncomfortable questions and touching on sensitive subjects, joining a charity or keeping your lonely neighbor company, taking part in a local theatre play or quitting your banking job to buy your own food truck—that’s what makes you stand out, because you dare and care.
All Magic Comes at A Price
We all have talents and aspirations, some small, some big. Some might not be mainstream. This is when things start getting complicated and uncomfortable: in one way or another, we might rub someone the wrong way.
We will never be able to please everyone.
When standing out, we show the world that we’re here, and that we’re part of it; that we have something to say that might inspire others or even brighten their day.
Take a deep breath, step out of your comfort zone, and reveal the person you really are.
What’s to Lose?
If others don’t want you to stand out, it’s because they don’t want you to grow. If you started to live the life you wanted, it might make them feel uncomfortable about themselves. Don’t let that hold you back.
You might lose some acquaintances or false friends, but true friends will encourage and support you. And a lot of people will admire you for your courage. Even better, you will be loved for who you are. Isn’t this one of our deepest longings?
3 Daring Steps to Let Your Unique Inner Self Shine
It requires some courage to tackle the fear of standing out. You can always start small and take it one step at a time. But, if you feel adventurous, you might want to try one of these three daring steps to let your unique inner self shine.
1. Go against the flow.
If you don’t enjoy what everybody likes, stand by it. If you have another opinion, say it. If you don’t want to join your friends for the hottest event of the year, don’t go.
What matters is that you feel good about yourself. It might mean not being part of the majority. So what? Dare to be a splash of color in a society of uniformity. You will always find like-minded people you can connect with.
2. Dare to be unpopular.
If the only way to popularity is by compromising your true self, then turn down the offer. Let others know what you want and what your boundaries are.
Accept that you can’t be loved by everyone, and choose not to make your well-being dependent on others. The less glamorous but sustainable kind of popularity comes with authenticity.
3. Embarrass yourself.
A moment of embarrassment by choice can be very liberating. You’ll learn that you’re not going to die, and the ground won’t swallow you up (even if you wished for it).
Quite often, others don’t even notice whatever you’re feeling embarrassed about. It’s mostly in your head. So next time you’re invited to a karaoke bar, grab the microphone and sing your heart out.
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In school and in business meetings, whenever I was anxious to take part in the discussion, the majority of other participants didn’t raise their hands, either, and remained silent like me.
I wasn’t the only one but didn’t realize it. Instead, I was focused on the chance of embarrassing myself. The fear of standing out is rampant.
Yes, standing out means being vulnerable, and it opens us up to the risk of being ridiculed, but it also gives us the possibility of letting our uniqueness shine and showing others who we really are. Does this feel so bad after all?
Photo by D. Sharon Pruitt
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Why We Stay Busy When We’re Not and The Benefits of Doing Nothing
“Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing.” ~Lao Tzu
How many times in a day do you tell yourself you are busy and have too much to do? In a week? In a month?
How many of those times are you actually busy doing “nothing”? You know the “nothing” that I am talking about—the nothing that means you are watching hours of mindless TV, roaming the internet, or playing a game that you can’t seem to tear yourself away from on your smartphone.
I’ve been there and done that, and I still do it sometimes. I know what it’s like to feel drained and tired and want a break from real life for a bit so that you can recharge and refresh yourself.
And I know what it’s like to choose to tune out/zone out/disconnect instead, and how that ends up causing you to feel even more worn out and overwhelmed than before you took that so-called break to do “nothing” for a while.
We tell ourselves that it’s okay to do “nothing” and that we deserve some downtime, but we really don’t believe it and that’s why we choose to occupy that time with activities that don’t allow us to recharge. We want others to believe that we are as busy as they are, so we distract ourselves with those mindless tasks.
I resisted “doing nothing” on its own for a long time without realizing it. I tried to do it while reading a book and watching TV and texting friends (yes all at the same time) and I burnt myself out.
I couldn’t focus anymore and I had trouble completing my work when I needed to.
I told everyone that I was busy and stressed out, but I really wasn’t doing what I was supposed to be doing, and my workload was getting larger and the quality of my work was decreasing, all because I wouldn’t give myself permission to take a genuine break and “do nothing.”
It wasn’t until I left a stressful work situation and took some time to travel in South America for a few months that I learned the difference between being busy “doing nothing” and just “doing nothing.”
It was there that I was challenged to just be, as I was traveling by myself, didn’t have any work to bury myself in, and there was no TV or phone to distract myself with.
It was scary at first to be alone with my own thoughts and feelings, and I actually felt anxious, as I experienced sadness, anger, and worry without any way to divert my attention from them. However, as those feelings came up I was able to deal with them and release them, and that was what allowed me to feel rested and recharged.
Even better, when you stop distracting yourself, you also get to enjoy your comfortable feelings such as excitement, happiness, and joy on a more intense level.
Now you don’t have to leave your job and travel to South America to learn how to just do nothing; there are ways to experience this in our everyday life.
For example, we don’t give ourselves permission to take a walk in the park and notice the changing leaves. Instead, we check in with a friend or work on our cell phone and let them know we are busy “exercising.”
We don’t give ourselves permission to enjoy a cup of coffee or a glass of wine with a friend as we talk about how grateful we are for what we have. Instead, we meet with a friend after months of trying to schedule something and end up trying to compete over who is the most overwhelmed.
We don’t give ourselves permission to have fun with our family at the beach, where the only thing we should worry about is remembering to put sunblock on. Instead, we get annoyed by our kids who want to play with us while we try to read “that book” that everyone is raving about, that we have no interest in but feel like we are supposed to read.
Well let me share something with you: All of those things that you keep busy with when you say you are “doing nothing” are distractions.
They are distractions that are preventing you from connecting with others on a deeper level. They are distractions that are actually contributing to your feelings of exhaustion and unease.
I want to challenge you to try doing nothing for a while. Spend some time just being where you are and enjoying this downtime either by yourself or with others. Tell yourself that it’s okay to spend some time really, truly “doing nothing.”
Now, you may be figuring out how to do nothing, and I don’t want you to waste your time worrying about that, so here are some ways to try this “doing nothing” thing out:
Sit on a park bench and enjoy the fresh air, take a nap if you need some extra sleep, enjoy a cup of coffee out while you spend some time people watching, call a friend or family member and only talk about happy events in your lives, lie in your backyard and watch the clouds roll by, or get lost in a magazine or a few chapters of a funny book.
It doesn’t matter which “nothing” you choose, just make sure that you will not be distracted so that you can benefit from it (that means keeping your cell phone far away from you or even turning it off).
This may feel uncomfortable for you the first few times you do this. There are some things that you can do to make this easier for yourself.
Put this into your calendar just like you would a haircut, a doctor’s appointment, exercise, or any other type of self-care.
Also, before you start this process, give yourself permission to set the intention that you will be doing nothing and are okay with that.
There are a bunch of benefits that you will get to experience when you release your need to stay busy, which include feeling relaxed and less stressed, decreased tension, increased focus, improved connections with others, and a greater appreciation of all that you have.
Isn’t time you let yourself reap the benefits of really, truly doing nothing?
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A Message for Anyone Who’s Been Abused and Has Kept It Inside
TRIGGER WARNING: This content deals with an account of sexual abuse and may be triggering to some people.
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~Maria Robinson
My uncle molested me from the time I was about four until I was in my early twenties. He held me too long and hugged me too tight. He would growl in my ear like an animal in heat, his warm, wet, often alcoholic smelling breath overwhelming me.
This is how he greeted me at every occasion. When I was really small, I almost looked forward to seeing him because I liked the attention and believed he loved me, although deep down inside, I always felt as if I were doing something wrong, something naughty.
As I grew, he began to grope my ass through my clothing while he whispered in my ear. He would tell me that I was sexy as he growled and hugged me tighter, pressing me up against his body. Much to my horror, I was aroused.
I was aroused by my uncle. “MY UNCLE!” I would think to myself. “What on Earth was wrong with me? Surely something was gravely wrong with me to be aroused by my own uncle.”
I wasn’t even sure of what arousal was at that point and only in retrospect could identify what I was feeling. I didn’t have a name for sex at that age, but I could feel it and knew it was wrong deep down in my belly. I felt wrong.
He was an adult. He was my uncle. He loved me.
I felt the problem was surely mine and would chastise myself as disgusting and dirty. I kept my secret close. I assumed the other members of my family knew of his behavior and that he was normal. He didn’t try to hide it, or so it seemed to me.
He acted out all the time. He was loud, erratic, and verbally abusive. His behavior was blamed on his drinking and the fact that he was an eccentric artist who simply couldn’t control himself.
This was the way it was. This was the way it was to be.
When I was a teenager dancing at a wedding, he told me seductively that he wanted to “make love to me.” I laughed, deflecting his advance as he pulled me in tighter. He had told me that he wanted to have sex with me.
I knew it was true. I wondered if I would have the strength and courage to say no. I felt the planes and curves of his entire body pressed into mine on that dance floor as I drifted up above, looking down from a cloud, wondering how I might ever escape myself.
It was only in my late teens that I began questioning if my sickness wasn’t possibly in part his sickness, because in every book that I read and every movie that I saw, I searched but could not find a relationship like the one I had with my uncle.
I would wait for the scene in a movie between two related people to become romantic. When it never did, I began to wonder if that bad, ugly feeling in my belly had been trying to tell me something about him.
I cried to my boyfriend night after night, because the more emotionally intimate we became, the harder it became for me to be physically intimate with him, and he wanted to know why I was in such pain.
After a Thanksgiving dinner accompanied by my uncle’s raucous behavior and inappropriate advances, my boyfriend insisted on confronting my father. To my shock, my father claimed that he had no idea of my special relationship with my uncle. He never would have guessed.
No one knew but me.
I simply never imagined that I would be in the position of having to defend myself. My uncle had been so free in his behavior with me. It never occurred to me that he would deny it.
He denied it, as did his wife and the entire side of the family that accompanied him. Not only did they deny it, they threw accusations at me.
“Crazy. Depressed. Liar. She’s unable to interpret harmless behavior.” They defended his honor as husband, father, and grandfather with vigor as if he were a hero—someone to be lauded, not disparaged and blamed with this filth.
My father had confronted him and relayed the information to me. I did not have the courage to confront him myself.
Just as I never dreamed I would need a defense, I never dreamed of how many would accuse me. Even my own brother sided with them, and my father would soften my uncle’s blame with statements like “he didn’t mean to hurt you.”
I wanted to scream so loud the heavens would respond. Cry so long my eyes would bleed into pools of blood around my feet on the floor. Vomit up every one of my organs in sheer disgust.
But what they didn’t understand is that the blaming, name-calling, and crafting of an airtight defense against me were all unnecessary. I wanted nothing from any of them. I did not want an admission. I did not want an apology.
I did not want revenge.
I did not want him grabbing my ass at my wedding. I did not want to have to explain to my someday husband my “special” relationship with my uncle. I did not want him to have access to the children I would someday have.
I wanted him to reconsider his behavior before his son’s newborn baby girl, the first girl born into the family since my birth, turned four. I did not want to ever see his disgusting face again. I did not want to feel anymore that sick, dark pain deep in my belly as he touched me.
I did not want him to touch me again, ever. I wanted my future to be different from my past. That is all I wanted.
And I got it. I never saw him again. I turned and walked away from all the disbelievers and my uncle the molester.
I found people who did empathize and help me heal. I faced the truth of what had been done to me and got the help I needed to go on to live a healthy, normal existence. In doing so, I learned that it is common for families to turn on abuse victims and believe the abuser rather than the abused.
Were you abused? Did you speak your truth, and no one believed you? Did you speak your truth and experience the pain of even one person doubting you?
If you were abused and someone, anyone, didn’t believe you, know that I do. I believe you. I stand with you, and for you, in the small way I can.
Speaking the truth after being abused takes incredible courage and strength. I am proud of you. My story can be your story.
We can be victorious together as survivors. I am a survivor. You are a survivor.
We are stronger for having survived. We stand together triumphantly and move forward, bravely living abuse free lives.
If you have been abused or are currently a victim of abuse and have not yet spoken out, I urge you to reach toward a safe person and speak your truth. You too are strong and courageous and deserve to live an abuse free life. Stand with me, no longer a victim but a survivor.
Start today and make a new ending.
Photo by Cornelia Kopp
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What All Great Relationships Have in Common
“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” ~Emily Kimbrough
My husband and I have been married for almost ten years.
And before those ten years, we were college sweethearts and had been dating for over six.
When you know someone for that long, someone whom you are deeply and madly in love with, something funny happens:
Your collective thoughts, actions, and words become so tightly intertwined that you walk around believing you are one person.
As a result, you feel ten times taller. Like you can do anything. You feel as though you’ve discovered the purpose for breathing on this planet.
But something else happens, too.
When you really know someone, intimately and with all the deepest parts of yourself, you also hit bumps in the road.
Times when you argue. Times when you take each other for granted. Times when you’re completely challenged.
My husband and I have been through it all, especially as college graduates moving out to Hollywood with big dreams in our hearts.
We were changing so much, like shapeshifters, rapidly taking on new forms and discovering who we really were in the process.
The truth is, that period could’ve easily destroyed us.
Not only that, but: Sometimes we felt like we didn’t know each other. Sometimes our matchbox-sized apartment in West Hollywood got under our skin. Sometimes we fought.
Sometimes we were broke. Sometimes we weren’t intimate. Sometimes our car broke down.
Sometimes exes popped up out of nowhere, determined to tear us apart.
We’ve weathered all of these storms, and more. And we will weather them, still.
Things will happen. Shadowy forms will come out to dance. Life will hurt sometimes. And be hard. But also worth it.
My husband and I have a beautiful life. I truly couldn’t ask for more. We have a deep, eternal bond, embodied in the form of a brilliant and loving toddler who brings us a deep joy we once never knew existed.
We also do things that light us up from the inside out. We make films together. We write together.
We share a love for the arts, books, meditation, politics, quantum physics, and vegan food. We take walks together. Talk about anything and everything.
Together, alone, we make the stupidest and most politically incorrect jokes you can imagine.
We challenge one another to leap out of our comfort zones. We make big decisions and set off on bold adventures.
My point is this:
If you have true love in your life, don’t let the down, dark, doomy, disappointing, messed-up times fool you into thinking that you. Just. Can’t. Do. This. Anymore.
Embrace the fact that love—the real, infinite, take-your-breath-away kind of love—will be filled with ups and downs.
Embrace your every moment together. All of it—the romance, the laughter, the tears, the disagreements, the adventures, the infinite unknowns.
‘Cause if, along the way, no matter how deep the trenches, you each have somebody who cherishes you, supports you, uplifts you, respects you, and thinks the world of you, then you must thank your lucky stars for that gift.
And throughout the mystifying journey, remember this:
If the bad times suck hard, then the good times must be really special. That’s why the bad times make us suffer so much—because the good times are something we can’t bear to lose.
Accordingly, we struggle. We work at it. We fight for our blessings.
No relationship is perfect. But the ones worth having are always worth fighting for.
