Tag: wisdom

  • How to Find Your Path When Life Suddenly Changes

    How to Find Your Path When Life Suddenly Changes

    “Never fear shadows. They simply mean there’s a light shining somewhere nearby.” ~Ruth E. Renkel

    As an ocean lover, I frequently visit the shore, even during the winter. Encouraged by a day with blue skies and forecasted temperatures above freezing, I hopped in the car and headed for the coast.

    The beautiful view of the ocean is the best part of the six-mile walk I intended to do. However, as I neared the coast, I noticed a thickening layer of fog. By the time I parked, the fog had completely blocked my view of the sun and everything at a distance beyond fifty feet.

    Because of the thick fog, the ocean appeared to be a backyard pool. I told myself that maybe the fog would burn off, and I started moving in the usual direction through this low-lying cloud.

    The beginning of my walk was freezing, and my steps, uncertain. I was eager to see where I was going, but couldn’t.

    That’s when I remembered the last time I had felt something similar, but I hadn’t been at the beach then. I was at the lawyer’s office signing the papers that officially declared the end of my marriage. Back then, my future had been covered in a fog of uncertainty.

    I didn’t know what to do then, but now, I know. And because I’m aware that you might be facing or will face a dramatic life change, I’d like to share what I learned as I came out of the fog.

    Everyone deals with life changes.

    We might get laid off during employee appreciation week, hear our romantic partner proclaim out of the blue that he or she is leaving us, or be diagnosed with a disease we thought happened to “other people.”

    Regardless of the nature of the change, we must feel comforted in the realization that we are not alone. Human existence can be described as a continuous stream of changes. 

    When life suddenly changes, it’s a normal reaction to feel confused and disoriented.

    After the shock has worn off, we might feel as though we don’t know where to go or even who we are. All we might be able to see is our current unfortunate life situation.

    The fog might take a while to dissipate.

    When we go through a challenge, we might not see what options are available to us for days, weeks, months, and even years. Sometimes the uncertainty, or the anger, or the pain seems to last forever.

    We can choose to keep moving even if clarity hasn’t arrived yet.

    Instead of being paralyzed by the uncertainty, we can decide to continue being the best we can be, connecting with people and taking care of ourselves while the answers come to us.

    Even when everything seems confusing and scary, happiness is still within reach.

    It might be hard to see ourselves being successful, loved, or healthy again, but if we trust that happiness is there, waiting for us, we’ll be able to gather the strength we need to keep going.

    Clarity arrives gradually.

    We must keep in mind that each step we take is leading us out of the fog and closer to what is supposed to enter our life so we can reach our ultimate goal. We must be patient with ourselves and with the unfolding of events as we go on. 

    Once we reach clarity, everything makes sense.

    All the pieces of the puzzle fall into place to tell us that there was a meaning in what happened to us. We understand that we wouldn’t be where we are had we not gone through the change or challenge.

    That day at the beach, the fog eventually lifted. The blue skies and puffy white clouds I had seen when I left home were in full view, the shining sun felt warm on my face, and there, clearly defined, was the majestic, beautiful ocean landscape I had intended to see.

    I climbed on a large boulder and stared at the ocean, knowing I had made the right decision by not giving up on this walk, and also by not giving up on my life when my efforts to save my marriage didn’t pan out.

    The road to clarity and purpose was arduous and longer than I expected. When I thought I had reached my final destination, another change or another challenge would pop up.

    I wasn’t consciously aware that I was creating a new life, and I didn’t realize that the process of creation includes multiple tests, adjustments, and setbacks.

    But I continued listening to my intuition and reaching out to help others who were in a similar situation. I continued spending time in nature, consuming healthful foods, and being active. I continued my labor of creation through writing and art.

    By engaging in activities that added meaning to my life, I connected with my purpose, and now this purpose is as clear as a cloudless sky: I intend to help people realize their magnificence. Clarity allowed me to regain control of my destiny.

    When clarity arrives in your life, you too will feel empowered.

    You’ll feel confident.

    You’ll understand the lesson.

    You’ll be home.

    And best of all, next time life throws you a curve ball, you’ll know what to do. You’ll know that the fog will eventually lift, and that all you need to do is to keep going.

  • Finding Contentment in the Rhythms of an Everyday Life

    Finding Contentment in the Rhythms of an Everyday Life

    Happy Face

    “The simple things are also the most extraordinary things, and only the wise can see them.” ~Paulo Coelho

    As the day of my daughter’s second birthday approaches, I have found myself reflecting more and more on the first few months of her life.

    She arrived on a Sunday morning as winter gave way to spring, full of life and ready to embrace her humanness as only a brand new human can. There was snow lingering on the ground, and the sunrise that day was full of anticipation and the unknowing that comes along with waiting for something that is impossible to predict.

    We brought her home a few days later, unsure and anxious as so many new parents are, and settled into a rhythm that was punctuated with nursing, changing diapers, washing diapers, bouncing the baby to sleep, and waiting for her to cry so the pattern could continue.

    It was a rhythm of trial and melancholy and immeasurable joy, somehow all rolled into one. As the cliché goes, having a baby changes everything.  

    I remember the first day I left the house alone to walk around a nearby lake. I remember feeling anxious that she would need to nurse while I was gone, and that my husband would have to deal with a screeching infant until my return.

    I remember stepping around melting piles of grey snow and skirting mud puddles as I made my way down the driveway, out to the gravel road. I remember feeling the sun on my face and how good it felt to reclaim the use of my physical body.

    I remember feeling like that walk—even with the mud puddles and drab weather—was enough to satisfy my need to feel alive and in my own skin, one human embracing her humanness, for the rest of the day.

    I remember coming back into the house and melting back into the rhythm. I remember feeling like just being part of that rhythm was enough.

    That feeling of contentment from having just one half hour alone, outside, moving over the earth on foot lasted for several months. I felt a sense of peace after coming in from a run, or time spent in the garden, or the occasional longer hike in the woods.

    I went back to work full-time and started running or gardening in the morning as the sun came up.

    Despite the extra demands that came with adding work to the rhythm of the days, that sense of peace—the sense that the ordinary rhythm of ‘life with baby’ was enough—lingered. For a while. 

    A few months after the baby marked her first birthday, I noticed that sense of peace slipping. I found myself wanting more time, more resources, and more flexibility to do what I wanted to do.

    I found myself wanting to feel like I was making a difference, like I mattered enough, like I was enjoying enough. I found myself wanting to feel content with life and wanting to feel satisfied with the everyday.  But I wasn’t.

    Somewhere in the space between my daughter’s birth and her twenty month birthday, that sense of peace got stuck behind a different rhythm that felt busy and lacking and not enough.

    A half-hour walk outside wasn’t doing it for me anymore. After coming inside, I wanted another half hour, and then another, and then another. Sometimes all the time in the world, all the recognition in the world, all the happiness in the world, it didn’t feel like enough.

    I can’t say that I have completely regained that feeling of complete contentment. But as I reflect on the months just after my daughter’s birth, as her second birthday gets nearer, I reclaim some of that peace.

    In acknowledging that feeling of lack, of discontent, and of happiness that comes and goes, I am inviting that peace to return to the rhythm. 

    It will undoubtedly still be a rhythm of trial, of melancholy, and of immeasurable joy, because that is what being human is about. It is about celebrating the mountaintops and accepting the valleys and their shadows.

    It is about remembering that joy and peace remain present even when they seem buried beneath wanting, discontent and overwhelming schedules.

    It is about seeing the extraordinary in something as mundane as a walk around a frozen lake on a muddy gravel road. It is about remembering that we are all full of life and have the capacity to fully embrace our humanness.

    It is about recognizing the instinct to do something to change a feeling or the persistent need to address our desire for more—and letting it be there. Sometimes there’s simply nothing to do but accept that being human means letting all feelings speak, and then letting them pass when they no longer serve.

    Perhaps embracing our humanness and the life that comes with it means celebrating the anticipation and the unknowing that comes with waiting for something that is impossible to predict.

    Photo by bharatnow.net

  • Addicted to Approval: Reclaim Your Self-Esteem

    Addicted to Approval: Reclaim Your Self-Esteem

    Happy Woman

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    The past few years have been full of hard but necessary lessons that I needed to learn about my relationships with others—their limits, boundaries, what healthy relationships are and are not.

    I realized that the foundation for some of my relationships (the unhealthy ones) was my need for attention and approval. This, of course, was futile, because we can only truly feel good about ourselves despite outside opinions.

    Because I felt inadequate and overly self-critical due to a past full of put-downs and personal failures (real or perceived), I needed “proof” that I mattered and was worthy in the eyes of people who represented the very individuals from my past who had shamed me, abused me, ignored me, and devalued me.

    Growing up, I was always the outlier, and in a lot of ways I still am—the girl with the wild imagination and unpopular hobbies (art over sports, unique tastes over trends, time alone in introspection over socializing).

    I was also the middle child who didn’t quite measure up to the overachieving big sister and gifted little brother—often ignored, humored, my “little” achievements dismissed.

    While I was not mistreated or neglected in any major, obvious way, the lack of attention and validation culminated over time to make me feel like a general disappointment as a human being.

    Even after many major accomplishments, I felt inadequate. I earned a master’s degree, married a wonderful man, quickly built an impressive career, made amazing friends, moved to my dream town and into a gorgeous home, but I still sought validation from others that I was worthy and wanted (and still occasionally do).

    I recently realized that I was holding onto some people not because they were friends I needed (they were actually quite toxic and manipulative), but because they seemed to want or need me. They occasionally fed me a crumb of self-esteem—complimenting me, asking to spend time with me, and telling me how much they liked me.

    These friendships were superficial and damaging to me because of all the times they made me feel just the opposite, because they were too busy or self-absorbed and I interpreted that as a negative reflection on me.

    They reminded me of the people I’d failed to win over in my past. People I was still intent to gain approval from but never will. And I needed to let that expectation go.

    I have ended or distanced myself from these relationships and I often feel heavy with sadness about no longer being close to them. But I know that the grief I feel has more to do with the loss of attention (“approval”) I got from them, not necessarily them.

    It was selfish that I had held onto them for an (artificial) ego boost and out of a sense of duty, because a relationship had been established; that was unfair to them and unhealthy for me. I needed to be selfish in another way: focus inward and provide myself with that ego-boosting energy.

    In approval-addiction friendships, both people seek validation and attention from each other instead of truly being there for one another, unselfishly. That’s a no-win situation.

    I am now on a journey toward self-love and acceptance from within. I have developed four “mantras” I repeat to myself when I find myself drifting back into old relationship patterns, clinging to other people and things to gain feelings of self-worth.

    Self-Love Mantras

    1. No one else can prove your self-worth.

    True friends can help boost it, but only temporarily. Authentic, lasting personal validation exists when you value and approve of you.

    2. You are who you are, and that’s good enough.

    You will have moments, even phases when you’ll doubt this, and that’s okay. Just remember: bad things are going to happen. Some people aren’t going to like you. But these are not a negative reflection of the awesome person you are.

    3. Your friendship, time, and thoughtfulness are precious.

    Invest these wisely and with integrity. You deserve it, as do your loved ones.

    4. Be proud of yourself and all you do.

    Depending on others to confirm that you’re worthwhile is a recipe for disappointment. No one will approve of everything you do. You don’t either, right? You have more than enough to be proud of and that pride should come from within and be unshakeable at its core.

    Photo by kris krüg

  • Transform Your Relationship by Assuming the Best Intentions

    Transform Your Relationship by Assuming the Best Intentions

    Couple in love

    “Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.” ~Mildred Barthel

    I used to think he was out to get me. The man of my dreams was continually plotting to undermine my happiness in countless ways, all for some mysterious reason I couldn’t comprehend.

    Can you give me a ride to work today?” He missed his shuttle on the morning I had my first speech, a forty-five-minute drive in the opposite direction. He obviously didn’t want me to succeed in my career.

    Are you wearing that tonight?” Oh great, just before we go out to meet friends for dinner he wanted to throw off my confidence in how I looked. Did he think I was getting fat?

    Can you come help me with this?” Couldn’t he see that I was in the middle of a relaxing Saturday morning, my first bit of sanity after a very stressful week? He must not care if I got any down time, though you could bet he’d be sitting on the couch watching golf all afternoon.

    A lot of my time was spent stewing, working over these scenarios and replaying them in my mind. Overthinking was my specialty, my calling card in life. I prided myself on seeing things other people missed, reading between the lines to get to the “real” meaning.

    These little bits of drama took a lot of mental effort for me to concoct, but after a while I became really good at them. I could summon up a motive from his every glance or change of tone, sometimes simply from thin air.

    Nevermind that I still considered him my dream man, just one with the not-so-adorable quirk of trying to undermine happiness.

    What did that say about me?

    Like most of my uncomfortable feelings, I pushed these thoughts down, working to keep things cool on the surface while I boiled underneath.

    Life kept moving forward, and then one day my brother had a heart attack. A year later, a friend had a brain aneurysm. Both survived, but it changed our mindset about time and dreams.

    We decided to sell everything we owned and travel the world, taking our retirement dreams and living them at midlife instead, when we had the health and energy to enjoy them. It was a beautiful time, planning our grand adventure and then stepping into it together.

    But still, I had these nagging thoughts about him and his continued efforts to rob me of my happiness, even as we were living out our biggest dream. Looking back, it was pure insanity.

    I read about this site in Northern Peru that’s supposed to be really cool. Want to go there next instead of Machu Picchu?” He knew I was dying to go to Machu Picchu. Why would he try to take that away from me? He didn’t want me to be happy.

    Why don’t you write in the early mornings so we still have the days to explore Edinburgh together?” He knew I wasn’t a morning person, so why would he ask such a thing? Because he was a morning person, that’s why. He thought I was lazy.

    I’ve been editing the podcasts and you say “this and that” a lot. It detracts from the message. Can you tamp it down?” Hey, I just got a compliment from a guest on my radio voice. Why was he nitpicking like that? He couldn’t stand it that someone said something nice to me.

    None of my thoughts were said out loud, but they did needle at my happiness in small bursts multiple times a day. We were rarely apart in this traveling lifestyle, especially when we started publishing books and podcasts together, and I found an ulterior motive in almost everything he said. Over time, my brain almost melted at the continuous effort required to read into his every word. It was a full-time job.

    Then a very big fight happened, one of those life-changing arguments, and I let the cat out of the bag. He was stunned.

    “Of course I’m not out to get you. I love you.”

    At the end of all the harsh words and tears this was a revelation, an insight into this years-long issue in our relationship.

    It wasn’t him; it was me.

    All those years of reading between the lines, a skill I’d honed since childhood, kept me from seeing reality. I was ignoring the black and white meaning of what he said in favor of some imagined murky gray story with no basis in fact.

    My writer’s mind was altering my own life story, as it happened, without the consent or knowledge of the other main character. I was changing a light-hearted romance into a mystery and painting my husband as the bad guy.

    In the aftermath of the very big fight, we agreed to always assume the best intentions of the other person, no matter what words were chosen in the delivery. Instead of picking apart how it was said, we would focus on where it came from, which was always from the heart.

    Questions were encouraged. Clarification was required. No guessing games allowed.

    It was surprising how fast this one change impacted my outlook. I stopped spinning crazy stories in my head and focused on the moment, what this man who loved me was trying to convey. When I didn’t understand, or the understanding I had was negative, I asked for clarification.

    He always freely gave it.

    He wanted to see everything in the world with me. He wanted me to have time to write, but also to play together. He wanted the work we produced to be as professional as possible, and he knew we both had quirks to overcome.

    The meaning was there in plain sight, in the honesty of his words. He wanted the best for us in everything, as anyone in love would.

    He wasn’t out to get me. He was out to love me, to share a life with me, and all I had to do was take him at his word.

    The day we vowed to always assume the best intentions in each other was as powerful as the day we vowed to be together forever. And it makes honoring that marriage vow a lot more enjoyable.

    How to Train Yourself to Assume the Best Intentions

    1. Every single day, compliment or thank your partner for something they’ve done.

    Make gratitude for what they do right an everyday thing and the occasional slipups will not seem as big. It also reinforces positive behaviors, making them more likely to continue.

    2. When your partner says or does something that rankles you, first stop and ask yourself if a stranger in the room with you right at that moment would have the same reaction.

    If you’re overthinking, you will have added layers of meaning that aren’t there. But if you look at it from the outside, it’s a more realistic version of events. It will help center you.

    3. If all else fails, ask for clarification.

    “I may have taken this the wrong way. Did you mean X?” This gives your partner the chance to clear it up right away, before you’ve had a chance to concoct a story in your head.

    It will take some time to train yourself from overthinking and reading between the lines, but it can be done. And you (and your partner) will be happier because of it.

    Editor’s Note: Betsy has generously offered to give away two copies of her new book Married with Luggage: What We Learned about Love by Traveling the World. To enter to win a copy, leave a comment below. You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, Monday, April 28th.

    Update: The winners have been chosen: ccrgirl and Joy Olson.

    Photo by Peti Morgan

  • How to Use Comparisons for Growth Instead of Feeling Inferior

    How to Use Comparisons for Growth Instead of Feeling Inferior

    Two Dancing Girls

    “The heart is like a garden: it can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?” ~Jack Kornfield

    Comparison is something we all struggle with at one point or another. Although it’s something that conventional self-help wisdom urges us to avoid, it’s also a way of gauging where we fit in the world.

    Usually, when we engage in comparison, we do so from an ego-based perspective and find ourselves (or others) lacking. This approach doesn’t benefit anyone involved, but, until recently, this was my predominant experience of comparison.

    I also had the belief that healthy people don’t compare themselves to other people, so I would judge myself harshly when I noticed I was doing so.

    So I struggled, first to stop comparing myself to other people, then, as I shifted my focus to self-acceptance and self-kindness, to accept the fact that this is something I do and that judging myself for this doesn’t help.

    Are you focusing on the facts, or the meanings you attach to the facts?

    Through my experiences, I’ve realized that it’s not so much the comparison itself that is unhelpful, but how I approach it. The act of comparison isn’t the problem; it’s the meaning we attach to what we find.

    When I notice that I’m comparing myself to other people, I have a choice: do I use this comparison as a tool for positive change, or a tool for self-destruction?

    Comparison as a Tool for Growth and Inspiration

    This question came up recently when I was talking with a couple of friends about how things were going in our respective businesses. One of them shared that she had just had her best month yet and earned more than ever before. In that moment, I was simultaneously happy for her and deeply envious.

    I had been working really hard and, although I felt good about how things were going, I compared how much I was earning to how much she was earning and found myself falling seriously short.

    On an intellectual level, I rationalized that money wasn’t everything, but on an emotional level I entered a comparison-based downward spiral. I started questioning what I was doing wrong, feeling self-doubt, and digging myself into a pit that left me with a general sense that I wasn’t “enough.”

    I recognized that this wasn’t serving me and spoke to my coach about the experience. When I explained that I couldn’t even imagine making that much and that I was wondering how she had done that herself, he asked, “Did you ask her?”

    As soon as he asked the question, it seemed like such an obvious thing to do. But I hadn’t—because I had felt ashamed. In that moment, my ego-based comparison had robbed me of the opportunity to learn, to be inspired, and to grow.

    And that, I’ve realized, is the choice we face. When we compare ourselves to others, it’s usually because they have something, are doing something, or being something that we want to have, do, or be.

    When we notice that, and notice that uncomfortable feeling of envy arising, we have a decision to make: We can beat ourselves up over the gap between where we are and where they are, or we can ask ourselves: “What is this comparison telling me about what I’m wanting/needing right now?” and “What can I learn from this person to get myself closer to where I want to be?”

    One of these options is based on ego gratification and external validation; the other is based on self-compassion and a desire to live the best life we can.

    Making this choice isn’t necessarily easy to do in the moment, but it is possible.

    Viewing comparison as an opportunity is an act of self-kindness. It lifts the burden of “not enough” and provides a chance for growth and connection—especially if the person you’re comparing yourself to is someone you can reach out to and ask, “Hey, I’d love to be able to do that; do you have any advice to share?”

    Perhaps one day I will realize that I no longer compare myself to other people. In the meantime, however, I’m learning to accept that this is something I do and finding ways to use is as a force for positive change.

    How do you deal with comparison in your life?

    Photo by Christian Haugen

  • You Don’t Have to Believe Your Negative Thoughts About Yourself

    You Don’t Have to Believe Your Negative Thoughts About Yourself

    “The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” ~ James Allen

    We all have a picture of ourselves in our minds. A picture of what we believe we are like. A picture we choose to believe no matter what.

    We can cling to this idea about ourselves all we want, but that will not make it true. This is not as easy to realize and even harder to accept, but it’s an important step toward a conscious life.

    I believe we all go through dark phases when our image of ourselves breaks and we start thinking less of ourselves. This phase can pass after some time if we let it, but if we insist on clinging to the picture of  ourselves in our minds, it will be harder to get through it.

    The good news is: You are whoever you choose to be.

    It’s not a coincidence that all the great spiritual masters spoke about detaching from our thoughts. Our thoughts do not represent reality. We are the ones who choose to believe that they are real, when, in fact, they have nothing to do with reality.

    No matter what situation life presents us, we can always choose to view ourselves the way we want.

    You can either view yourself as a victim or as the hero who lived through all the controversy. It’s all a matter of perspective.

    Whichever you choose you will become, since you believe that is who you really are, so you will ultimately behave that way.

    This has nothing to do with the person you actually are; it solely depends on how you choose to view yourself.

    I was an anxious person all my life. Anxiety, panic attacks, depression, phobia—you name it, I had it. I had so many issues that it was hard to view myself as sane.

    I had to realize that these feelings were never my identity; they could never define me because how I chose to see myself, despite my feelings, was my choice.

    I remember sitting on the couch and making myself sad by thinking about what a horrible person I was.

    I used to believe that I was somehow not normal and that I didn’t belong here. I chose to stay at home all the time because I believed that if I went out and lived the life of a normal person, something horrible would happen and I’d end up hurting others or myself.

    I also felt pity for my husband, because he had to spend his life with such a horrible person.

    I was not insane or different, no matter how much I believed that I belonged in a mental institution. It took me a long time to realize that what I thought of myself had nothing to do with reality, and an even longer time to apply this knowledge in my life.

    I was not perfect, I’m still not, and I never will be, but nobody else is either. We tend to believe that we are the only people struggling. Always remember that you are not alone. When you feel horrible, know that there are countless people out there who feel just like you do.

    If you feel alone and different from everybody else, this is just a thought; it’s not real. We can choose to believe it is, or we can choose to see that we are never really alone, and so many people share our feelings.

    Just because you believe something does not make it true.

    People who promote positive thinking would advise you to start thinking positively. I think this is obviously better than negative thinking, but it’s still not the solution. I believe in letting thoughts go.

    Let go of all the destructive thoughts you hold about yourself. Once you are able to accept that you are not what your thoughts are telling you, you will become free.

    You will no longer limit yourself with your thinking because you will accept that your thoughts are faulty.

    Once you realize that your thoughts are faulty, there will be nothing else standing in your way. And when you realize that there is nothing standing in your way, you will see it was your thoughts that were holding you back from being who you wanted to be this whole time.

    When I look back at how I used to be, I see a girl who was always such a nice, kind-hearted person, but for some reason chose to believe that she was something completely different and, therefore, isolated herself from the world.

    I hold no false ideas about myself nowadays. Since I acknowledged that all my opinions about myself are just thoughts that have nothing to do with reality, I realized I am who I choose to be. Nothing and no one, not even myself, can stop me from being the person I want to be.

    I embrace who I am now. I love being outside, enjoying the company of people and nature, and I know that I can bring a smile to people’s faces with my kind and loving attitude. I care for my husband even more because I know that my love and attention is valuable.

    I even started writing my first fiction novel, which is something I always wanted to do. I envied the authors who could come up with magical worlds and could use their minds to build up something beautiful. I thought that my mind was not a place of wonder, but since I let that thought go, I’ve started to build the wondrous world I never thought I could.

    I still have thoughts in my mind that I sometimes think shouldn’t be there, but that is also a part of me. As long as I can identify them for what they are, they can do no harm. I know now that nothing can control my actions, only me.

    Don’t let your mind push you around—just let it go.

  • The Most Important Thing to Do Before a Difficult Conversation

    The Most Important Thing to Do Before a Difficult Conversation

    Conversation

    “You are your choices.” ~Seneca

    After four years of radio silence, a former flame appeared in my inbox.

    We set up a time to talk later that week. And when the day came, right on time, he called.

    We talked. I had many questions. He explained the best he could. The conversation eased into Taoism and Twitter. Totally comfortable.

    But for the twenty-four hours beforehand, I was bracing myself.

    I was expecting long, awkward silences, angry words, and maybe even a premature hanging up of the phone. In case it’s not clear, things hadn’t ended so well with us.

    And if I had lunged into the conversation with all that tightness and fear, I probably wouldn’t be writing these words right now.

    Because all my tightness and fear would more than likely have generated tightness and fear in him, and there would be nothing enlightening or inspiring to share out of that.

    But thankfully, that’s not how this story pans out.

    Here is what actually happened:

    I set aside an hour before the call. I didn’t have a plan for what I’d do in that hour. I just knew that it was going to be a time of relaxation and rest.

    I sang sweet pop songs while making my bed. I took a long, hot shower. I put on my favorite dress and snuggled with my puppy.

    And then I sat cross-legged on my bed and, as Marianne Williamson puts it, I invited the Holy-Holy to “enter where You already abide.”

    I meditated on words like “forgiveness” and “compassion.” And I also made room for words like “boundaries” and “clarity.”

    The phone rang, and like I mentioned, the conversation went smoothly.

    I’ve faced a string of difficult conversations lately and the consistent theme I’m noticing is this:

    When I traipse up the stairs in last night’s pajamas with a smudge of peanut butter on my lip and a beeping phone in my hand, I am inviting more of that same messy, jumbled energy into the conversation I’m about to have.

    If I want clarity and connection in my relationships, what the heck do I expect to happen when I begin our conversations with restless, twitching unfocused-ness?

    What I bring to any interaction is (usually) what I receive from it.

    So it boils down to this:

    Before walking into tough conversations, we must get clear on who we want to be in that moment.

    Before the birth control discussion with your daughter, take ten deep breaths. Remind yourself that you want her to understand the joy of sex and the life-shifting responsibilities it can bring.

    Before you take away drunk Uncle Larry’s keys, ground yourself in the love and concern you feel for him and the safety of the other drivers and pedestrians on the road that night.

    Before you walk into the big meeting, before you sign the divorce papers, before you say “I do,” pause and ask yourself:

    Who do I want to be as I do this thing I’m about to do?

    You might choose to be kind, open, attentive, loving.

    You might prefer strong, firm, connected, a leader.

    Inhale that. Affirm that. Be that.

    This doesn’t mean that your body language and words will be in permanent alignment with the qualities you’ve chosen to focus on.

    And it certainly doesn’t mean you’ll now morph into some super-human communicator deluxe.

    You will still mess up, somehow. That’s part of being human.

    But, I believe, you will mess up less.

    I believe that when you get deliberate about the intention and energy you want to carry into a conversation or a room, you shift the dynamic.

    The context moves from He-made-me-say-it to I choose these words. I choose these actions.

    You are no longer floundering around.

    You are no longer a victim or a puppet of the circumstances and people around you.

    You’re making clear, conscious choices about the person you want to be. That’s what true power is. That’s what it means to create your life.

    So before you open your mouth or write the email or turn the doorknob, be clear as seawater about who you want to be in that moment.

    And then be that.

    Photo by Benson Kua

  • Taking a Chance on Happiness and Knowing We Deserve It

    “Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.” ~Denis Waitley

    I like to tell the story of how I changed my mind about myself and what I was worthy of and how that change almost immediately led me to my husband—or, rather, how it led him to me. On Craigslist.

    But unlike a fairytale, we didn’t go straight from point A (boy meets girl on a sometimes-shady website) to point B (boy marries girl in the church she was baptized and grew up in, across the street from her childhood home) and happily ever after.

    We sorta stalled at first. And it was all my fault.

    See, even though we hit it off in a big way and immediately started emailing each other, like, a dozen times a day (seriously, I kept every single email and treasure them all), I wasn’t fully sold.

    I didn’t think we had a chance romantically. Even though the poor guy did everything but jump through flaming hoops to get the point across that workdays full of emails were just slightly less than he hoped for, I held him at bay.

    I conveniently overlooked his invitations to connect over the phone after work some night. He called me “Beautiful” like it was my name, and I would just conveniently overlook it. There was a big old wall between us, and I was the architect.

    Finally, after a month of this nonsense, the truth hit me like a bus (funny, since I was sitting on a bus at the time).

    I heard a voice ask, “What is wrong with you? You have everything you’ve always said you wanted, and you’re pushing it away!” After I looked around and made sure it wasn’t some weirdo randomly talking to me (you just never know on the bus), I gave the idea some thought.

    Whoa. Yes, I totally was. I was pushing it all away with both hands.

    This was another huge turning point in my life. Right there on the Route 36 bus.

    I explored this idea as I made my way home that night. For once there was a man in my life who was clearly interested in me, who very obviously wanted to take our relationship to a more serious romantic level. There was no struggle, no game playing, no confusion, no chase (at least, not for me).

    And we had so much in common—our values, our beliefs on religion and spirituality, our interests. Sure, there were differences too, but just enough to keep things interesting, to keep us both growing and learning from each other. Enough to give us endless topics to ramble over through countless emails, for sure.

    As long as I’m being honest, I was also totally addicted to talking with him. I looked forward to every single email and would get pouty when I didn’t hear from him right away. I had to check in and wish him a good night before leaving work and had to check my inbox as soon as I got home to see if he wrote back.

    I was clearly smitten. But here I was, holding the poor guy at arm’s length, even as he tried so hard to enter my heart.

    So what was my deal, anyway?

    It boiled down to this: I was miserable with my life the way it was, but it was all I knew. It was what I was comfortable with. I hated being alone, but “alone” was the only way I’d ever known my life.

    I still needed to come to terms with the fact I was worth loving. No matter how awesome I told the world I was, I needed to believe that there was someone out there who would love my wacky self as-is, no strings attached, no holds barred, no weight loss needed.

    Putting it bluntly: I had never known a man who didn’t require me to change in some way for them to consider me dateable. This was a total challenge to my self-image.

    I also needed a hefty shot of courage. After all, I’d been hurt in the past—too many times to count.

    And I hadn’t even had a romance with any of these other guys. I’d shared my heart, but I hadn’t shared my body. I hadn’t shared my secrets.

    They hadn’t heard me snore in my sleep.

    What if I started a relationship with this man and we broke up? How would I handle that, knowing that there was another person out there who knew all about me? This was a whole new world, and I had no idea how to navigate it.

    Still, in the face of all this fear and hesitation, there was a quiet little voice in my heart that pointed out that the easiest thing in the world would be to just give in. To stop fighting it, which took more effort than letting things take their natural course. To believe that I was lovable, if only because this man saw me as such, and to trust that he would never hurt me.

    And he never has.

    I realize now that this way of thinking affects people in more ways than just the example I gave here.

    So much of the time we long for something else, something new, something better, but when the opportunity presents itself, we either miss it completely or we come up with a million reasons why it’s not right for us.

    We’re too busy, we’re not smart enough, we’re not lucky enough, or connected enough; we don’t have the money for it. On and on.

    We let huge, potentially life-altering opportunities pass us by because, at the end of the day, we don’t believe we deserve them or that we could handle them if we gave them a shot. Even if we want them with all our heart.

    It’s not that we’re lying to ourselves about what we want. It’s that we let fear dictate what we’re worth.

    It takes work and a lot of self-awareness, but if we can identify these negative beliefs—all based around fear—we can work on becoming a little more fearless every day.

    Our job is to stop standing in our own way. To drop our limiting beliefs, stop dedicating time and energy to talking ourselves out of what we so richly deserve—fulfillment, love, abundance, joy, and peace. To simply open our arms and our hearts and accept the possibility of something more, right there within our grasp.

    That’s when things start moving and grooving. I promise.

    Let’s stop holding our dreams at arm’s length. Or eventually they’re going to give up on us and continue dating another girl—which is what could have happened had I not texted my man that very night after my fateful bus ride.

    In my excitement, I pulled out my phone and sent this super articulate message: You know what? I think I kinda like you.

    I have never regretted sending that text. To this day I thank the voice in my heart for setting me straight and for giving me the courage to take a chance.

    Photo by Beshef

  • How Our Addiction to Struggle Holds Us Back

    How Our Addiction to Struggle Holds Us Back

    Held Back

    “Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.” ~Chuang Tzu

    Do you feel, on some level, that your life is hard work? That you need to struggle in order to improve things in your world? Do you feel that you even need to struggle to reach a desired goal, to overcome adversity before achieving something worthy?

    Our addiction to struggle is an impediment to us feeling the joy of quiet and the now, the place from which subtle and natural development can occur.

    This addiction to struggling—the addiction to striving, always trying to achieve—used to hold me back from experiencing the whole of life.

    My awareness dawned slowly. Once an over-achieving lawyer working sixty-hour weeks (and then ducking off to volunteer my time for another cause), I am now much more relaxed, and able to give from a place of increased abundance and energy. But hey, it’s taken time, and it’s still a work in progress.

    I’ve dabbled in meditation for years and had a daily practice for three years. But it’s not just all about the cushion—getting out and having fun, dancing, enjoying life is what helped me see that I was actually trapped in a pattern of thinking that I had to work hard and reach (and overcome) a crisis point to be successful.

    The more I meditate, the more present I am, even off the cushion. I can even catch the moment at which I start being run by my own subconscious beliefs that life involves struggle.

    Some mornings, in the liminal state between sleeping and waking, I can catch an almost imperceptible shift, where my mind switches from the ease of a sweet dream to a battle with consciousness and being awake.

    Oh really, do I have to get up now?

    (And the deeper revelation: how subtly and consistently I struggle with reality itself.)

    The point at which I am able to accept my current reality is the point at which I surrender to that experience.

    Funnily enough, this is usually the point at which life becomes easier. Not because I have won a battle against my mind, but because I have allowed myself to stop resisting what just is.

    I get up. I go about my day. No big deal; in fact, I enjoy it.

    So, how is this addiction to struggle holding us back? After all, I’ll be the first to put my hand up to say how much I’ve learned from those with the strength of character, creativity, and resilience to overcome the most trying of times. Survivors inspire us and bring us hope when we can only see darkness.

    Yet, it seems that overcoming adversity has become the primary narrative arc in some corners of the spirituality and personal development online worlds.

    Our relationship with mind and ego are often phrased in ‘battle’ terms, and having a gruelling experience has become the necessary precondition to success.

    This is so subtle. But this preoccupation with overcoming struggle holds us back in many ways. It conceals other paths to growth. It even may cause us to devalue presence and surrender.

    Overcoming struggle is only one way to grow and to learn.

    Some of my most significant advancements in my thinking and changes in my life have been the result of product of gentle, consistent effort. In this way, old holding patterns have dissolved quite naturally.

    My decision not to drink alcohol is one example. Upon finding out that I’m a teetotaller, people often assume that my self-destruction precipitated a crisis with booze, followed by hard-won sobriety.

    Of course, I celebrate those who have overcome alcoholism, but I don’t have a victory-over-struggle story with alcohol. Once upon a time, I enjoyed a drink. Years of enjoyable meditation changed my brain, and I now happily don’t drink alcohol because I don’t feel a desire to drink. (And as it turns out, the benefits are innumerable!)

    Accepting that it’s possible to be ripe when you are ripe, that you may not be following a familiar path of overcoming adversity, doesn’t make a riveting story in the manner to which we’ve become accustomed.

    Perhaps we can track the predominance of the struggle trope back to the popularity of the hero’s journey: the tale of the swashbuckling hero confronting and triumphing over symbolic dragons and ogres on the transformational journey.

    To be clear: the hero’s journey is, of course, inspirational. We all have periods of darkness. We all love to win our battles. We all love to be inspired by others who can lead the way.

    My point is that only some journeys are punctuated by ordeals. On other paths, there is no dragon. There may just be a path to walk—even a playground in which to frolic!

    Moreover, we definitely do not need to manufacture a challenging transformation if there was no such ordeal. Our experience is not less worthy or true as a result.

    Noticing my own addiction to struggle has been humbling and revealing. Releasing my own tendency to slip into struggle means that I am more present. (And I have more fun!)

    Our addiction to struggle can lead us to devalue the gentle and humble evolution that can accompany development without drama. It can lead us to miss the happiness that can be found in the here and now, regardless of the circumstances.

    My question for you is: where in your life are you struggling? How are you playing out this subconscious script yourself?

    And what would your life be like if you were able to notice and celebrate your consistent and gentle evolution?

    Would this, in fact, be a quiet liberation?

    Photo by Daniel Lee

  • Why Life Is More Joyful When We Let Go of “Good” and “Bad”

    Why Life Is More Joyful When We Let Go of “Good” and “Bad”

    Happy

    “Love is the absence of judgment.” ~Dalai Lama

    If judgment is the act of labeling something as good or bad, then it seems we humans do it thousands of times a day. Those of us on a spiritual path even label judgment as a bad thing. We know that pain comes from judgment, but it’s such a part of our culture that there seems to be no way around it.

    The Dalai Lama says, “Love is the absence of judgment.” And if that’s true, how do we get there?

    From the time I wake up and ask myself if I slept too late to my nightly inquiry hoping that I made the best use of my day, I am in constant analysis of my choices. Did I eat enough, did I say the right thing, did I steer my client in the right direction?

    It would seem that this constant judgment is the opposite of living in the moment—and I’m a pretty Zen person!

    One of the problems of judgment is how it’s hidden in our society and labeled as responsibility. We are supposed to use metrics to track our progress, income, and effectiveness. We are supposed to learn new strategies and always be striving to be better.

    When we judge ourselves as being “not there yet” or as a work in progress, then we’re missing the joy and perfection that exists in the moment. 

    I think that’s what the Dalai Lama had in mind with his statement that I referenced above.

    I often catch myself doing the opposite of that in shower. I’ll notice that my shoulders are up to my ears and then ask myself, what is causing this? The answer always turns out to be a judgment. When I take a conscious breath and release the thoughts I have already projected on to the day, I naturally relax.

    When I started noticing how insidious this natural reaction to judge is, and how it is linked to being responsible, I started asking some serious questions about what it means to let this go.

    Would I be a bad person if I started planning my days from a feeling of curiosity and excitement instead of right and wrong? Why do I always think I know what the best answer is anyway?

    I knew that I would be more effective, have more energy, and be a happier person if I let go of all this labeling. How would I do it, you ask? Simple.

    The pain came from labeling something as good or bad. To rectify my anxiety producing ways, I just pulled into the neutral lane.

    I stopped analyzing whether what I was experiencing was good or bad. I just let whatever came into my life exist.

    I dealt with circumstances as they arose, and even if slow traffic or an unexpected bill threw me off, I did my best to observe and not to label. Who is to say that the person slowing me down wasn’t doing me a favor anyway?

    After several weeks of conscious no-judgment, I was actually feeling more creative. I had a lot more mental energy to use in fun and productive ways. I could even see a difference in the way my friends and clients interacted with me.

    Getting through my to-do list was easier, too. Instead of dreading certain tasks, I breezed through most of my list in the morning without much hesitation. I realized how unfairly I had treated certain things like returning emails and phone calls. Taking the emotion and labels off of these tasks actually made them go smoother and get better results.

    Looking back on my experiment in non-judgment, I can wholeheartedly say that it was worth the effort.  Besides, all I did was:

    1. Notice where I was making a judgment. (What was I labeling as either good or bad?)

    2. Stay neutral instead of applying one of those two labels. 

    And it may seem that this only benefited things that I had previously labeled as bad. That’s not entirely the case. I actually ended up receiving more “good” when I stopped judging.

    For example, if I signed up two new clients in one week I may have stopped my marketing for the entire month. Now, I just keep going, as I’m inspired to do so. I also willingly accept more praise and affection.

    It’s silly to think about how much we deny ourselves because we feel we’ve had “enough.” Letting life happen truly does reveal more love.

    There are some moments in life when we are thrown to our limits. You have to decide for yourself how far to take this in the case of death, illness, layoff, or other life changing events. Some people find their brightest clarity when faced with the worst circumstances, but it’s truly a personal thing.

    If you are used to using judgment at work or to make important decisions in your life, you may find it easier to start your experiment slowly. It can feel irresponsible to jump into this way of looking at things, and this isn’t about knocking you off balance.

    To do that, simply bring awareness to where you are placing labels. Then decide if you’d like to keep doing so. There is no wrong way to go about this.

    Just remember, when you’re not labeling something as good or bad, there simply “is.” Life is filled with truly awesome moments that we can enjoy when we’re using our energy to observe instead of analyze.

    Photo by Vladimir Yaitskiy

  • We Have the Power to Choose

    We Have the Power to Choose

    Man watching the sun

    “Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.” ~Wayne Dyer

    When I was twelve years old I returned from a weekend at my aunt’s house, with my mom, to find my father dead in bed. I remember my mom’s screams causing many of our neighbors to come over to see what had happened.

    The experience shut me down. I don’t know how else to put it. My father was young: fifty-three years old. It was a huge shock to everyone.

    Apparently, he was too proud to get a pacemaker. He died of a heart attack.

    My oldest sister was on her honeymoon. She had just gotten married a week before. My other sister was away at college. When they came home they were hysterical, just like my mom and the rest of the family.

    I felt like I had to be the strong one because I was the man of the house now. I was very quiet and reserved about the whole thing. This gave the impression that I was handling it well.

    Things were not well, though. I never dealt with it in a proper way. I never received therapy or any other kind of help. I buried the experience deep down—so deep that I can barely remember him.

    I rarely even spoke about it with anyone. I may have had only a handful of conversations about it by the age of thirty.

    I thought I was okay with it, but I was damaged. (more…)

  • Why Self-Compassion Is the Key to Being Our Authentic Selves

    Why Self-Compassion Is the Key to Being Our Authentic Selves

    Arms Outstretched

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I was raised in a family where outward appearance and reputation were important. Standing out was only encouraged if it was within the bounds of what was considered “normal.”

    No one ever explicitly told me, “What other people think of you is more important than being your true self,” yet that’s what I learned to believe. It became my mission to be accepted by others, because I thought that only then would I be worthy of love.

    I spent most of my middle school and high school years pretending to be somebody that I wasn’t. I would “chameleon” to blend in with people around me.

    I suspect that due to my less-than-stellar acting skills, a lot of people could tell that I was being phony and didn’t want to hang out with me. This only increased my hunger for external validation and acceptance.

    At the age of thirteen, I attended my first personal development seminar.

    It was an incredible experience for me, and when I was in the seminar room, something inside of me came alive. Being in that space awakened my passion for personal development, a passion that has only grown over the last fifteen years.

    In the next decade that followed, I’d spent more than 350 hours participating in personal development seminars, and in July 2009, I finally received the honest feedback that would change my life forever:

    I showed up as arrogant, selfish, self-righteous, superior, and judgmental.

    The feedback hit me like a ton of bricks. I was simultaneously composed and totally shocked.

    I was composed because I knew that people experienced me in those ways: I was a condescending know-it-all with judgment by the boatload, and little tolerance for people “doing it the wrong way” (not my way). My demeanor was often cold and closed off, and I could easily insult people where I knew it would hurt.

    I was shocked, because when I received that feedback from somebody that I’d met less than six hours earlier, I felt completely vulnerable. I didn’t know what to do with myself in that moment of being completely exposed.

    The walls that I’d created to “protect” my authentic self were only pushing (or rather, shoving) everyone else away. I finally decided to make a change. And thus began my journey of rediscovering my true self.

    To say that it was a battle would be a grave understatement. The little voice inside my head had gotten really good at convincing me of “truths” that were actually just thoughts based in my false beliefs about reputation and acceptance.

    Lying to myself had become such a subconscious process for me that bringing it into my consciousness on a daily basis was a struggle.

    Right after receiving the feedback, I’d keep “be authentic” on the forefront of my mind for a few days at a time. But more often than not, my commitment to being authentic would slowly fade behind my decades of pretending to be somebody else, and I often wouldn’t even notice the shift.

    When I’d realize that I wasn’t being perfectly authentic, every moment of every day, I’d go into beat-up mode and would berate myself for being a failure.

    My new awareness seemed like a game of lose-lose: if I ventured out into authentic living and slipped back into my old ways, I’d go into beat-up mode; if I acted like I was okay with being my pretending old self, I’d feel sick to my stomach about who I was pretending to be. I didn’t know how to win that game.

    I spent a couple of years on the rollercoaster ride of stepping out and being authentic, slipping back into my old ways, and beating myself up about it; it was exhausting. But then I learned that personal development isn’t a switch, it’s a journey.

    I couldn’t just turn off my old behaviors and turn on some new authentic behaviors.

    Creating lasting change would take commitment, practice, and most importantly self-compassion.

    Commitment meant truly committing myself to being authentic, and doing it for nobody else but me. And practice meant making conscious choices to set my authentic self free instead of staying in the box I’d built for myself.

    The self-compassion piece was the most important because it determined whether or not I wanted to pick myself back up, dust myself off, and give it another go.

    If making a mistake was only going to end in me beating myself up about it, then I’d rather not have even attempted it. But if making a mistake was met with a desire to learn, and then re-approach my ways of being in a new way, it was a much easier choice to make.

    Throughout my journey of discovering and living as my authentic self, I have experienced moments of immense joy and freedom, which have encouraged me to continue moving forward.

    One of my most impactful experiences of letting my authentic self shine took place at the end of November 2013, when I shaved half my head.

    One of my friends shaved part of her head in mid-2013, and I loved how it looked. I thought it was a perfect combination of sexy and tough. I immediately wanted to shave my own head, but hesitated…for six months.

    I thought, “What are other people going to think when they see you? Everyone is going to judge you. People are going to think that you’re weird.”

    The little voice in my head was going crazy. My head and my heart weren’t coming to an agreement because that little voice was repeating phrases I’d heard my entire life.

    But one day—and I can’t remember exactly when it happened—I just decided to do it. I knew that deep down in my heart I wanted to, so I refused to let that little voice stop me anymore. If people were going to think that being my authentic self was “weird” then so be it!

    I wish I could say “and then I shut the little voice up forevermore and lived happily ever after,” but that wouldn’t be true. My little voice was screaming when I finally sat down to get my head shaved. But I just chose to acknowledge the screaming and shave it anyways.

    After it was all done and I looked in the mirror, I fell in love. I fell in love with me! For the first time in my life, I felt completely aligned in my outward appearance and my inner authentic self. I felt free.

    Sure, people stare at me in public. But I just smile and walk on by. Everyone has an opinion about my hairstyle, but there’s only one opinion that matters—mine. And I love it!

    That was one of the biggest and most tangible steps that I’ve taken toward letting my authentic self truly shine. Now, if I start letting to the voice inside my head get to me, I can just look in the mirror or touch the shaved part of my head to remind myself of who I really am.

    One of my biggest lessons throughout my head-shaving experience was this: when I limit myself because of my fear of what others might think of me, I’m limiting what I think of me. When I truly embrace my authentic self, I am free.

    Abraham Maslow said, “What is life for? It is for you.” I’m finally living my life for me, and I’ve never felt more empowered, joyful, or authentic.

    How are you holding yourself back?

    Would you be making different choices in your life if you weren’t worried about the acceptance of others?

    How different do you think your life would be if you stepped outside of your comfort zone one time every day?

    I encourage you to get uncomfortable and to let your authentic self shine. You might be surprised at how freeing it can be.

    I certainly was.

    Photo by AJ Leon

  • Simple Ways to Improve Our Relationships, Starting Today

    Simple Ways to Improve Our Relationships, Starting Today

    Holding Hands

    “My experience is that the teachers we need most are the people we’re living with right now.” ~Byron Katie

    I never had a good relationship with my father when I was younger.

    Sometimes he expressed his opinions in a rude way, sounding more like an attack than advice.

    Many times he apologized after being rude, but I was too cold to forgive or listen.

    The years passed, and I never made an effort to improve our relationship. It felt easier to deal with my mother. She was the one I always went to when I needed something, had a question, and wanted permission to do something. My dad was always the last to know things about me, good and bad.

    In 2013, my mother had an intense asthma attack and went into a coma. I have no brothers and not many close relatives. It was just me and my father, experiencing a totally unexpected, tragic situation.

    I never had patience or an open heart to stop and listen to him, but then I had no choice. We needed to stay together and help each other.

    Love is not the end result but in the effort to reach it. If someone is trying to improve, we should recognize this effort, even if the result has not yet been reached.

    I had lived with my father for twenty-five years and never knew him because I was not humble enough to see his effort to improve our relationship every day. But when we are broken, we finally get real and open.

    I had focused only the negative—his insensitivity in expressing himself—but I had not recognized the love he expressed in many actions, every day. I also disregarded all the times he had forgiven me for the harsh things I’d said to him. If he’d forgiven me, why did he not deserve to be forgiven?

    When people need to come together for a common goal, for something they consider more valuable than pride, they become open to miracles.

    I believe there is a reason why we are born in a certain family, in a certain country.

    All the people who cross our paths have important lessons to teach us. Even the people who we consider the most negative are our teachers and are doing a service for our own evolution.

    The sooner we learn, the sooner the turbulence ends.

    I decided I would carry that feeling through the remainder of my days with my father. What did I learn in those days?

    The Importance of Tolerance

    Why do we develop the habit of having an instant response to everything that someone tells us? Is it always worth discussing? In the first seconds of anger, we commit the biggest mistakes. It is better to step away, breathe, and then talk calmly.

    People can have different opinions about things, but this is not a reason to argue.

    People have different difficulties, and everyone has their own flaws to overcome.

    Instead of focusing on the negative and arguing, we must recognize everyone’s positive qualities. When we focus on the best in people, we generally inspire it.

    What Really Matters

    Sometimes we want to be right when it pertains to small things that won’t matter in an hour. And what really matters when we’re talking about co-existence with the people we love?

    What matters are the good times and memories.

    What matters is the respect and support.

    What matters is knowing that the person is on your side when you need them.

    The Power of Listening

    I realized that I often responded not to what I had heard, but to what I thought the person intended to say—and I often responded in anger.

    Because I was so often angry, I couldn’t see when my father changed. He had, but I had not.

    If we listen carefully, we will recognize far fewer offenses, because many of them are in our heads.

    If we feel this isn’t the case and decide to speak up, we can share our thoughts in a more delicate way, especially if we care about the listener’s heart.

    How to Love

    In those days, we hugged every morning. We both showed love for each other and for my mother.

    We prayed together, wiped each other’s tears away, consulted with each other, asked how the other was feeling, and really listened to what the other had to say.

    We often forget these gestures with the people who are closest to us. We forget how important is to say “Good morning” with a smile upon our face, give a hug, and sit for ten minutes to ask the other person how their day’s going.

    Love allows us to be a lighthouse for each other, but we have to consciously choose to shine our light.

    My mother is finally better, and our relationship has improved greatly as a family. I cherish every day because of the chance I received, and I make an effort to remember to feel as open I was in the days when I was broken.

    We don’t have to wait to feel broken to improve our relationships. We can start being more tolerant, focusing on what matters, listening more, and loving better on any day we choose.

    What can you do today to improve your relationships?

    Photo by slightly-less-random

  • 4 Lessons on Conquering Fear and Living the Life You Want to Live

    4 Lessons on Conquering Fear and Living the Life You Want to Live

    Happiness

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?” ~Marianne Williamson

    After lying on my apartment floor for an hour, I walked over to the mirror, leaned in, and looked into my eyes.  This was the moment I came face to face with the truth: I was afraid to stand up and be who I wanted to be in this life.

    It was not the fact that I was so rock bottom that scared me. It was the belief that I am capable of so much more.

    Five years ago, I was in a banking job that demanded more of me than I could give. I remember one day a customer standing at the edge of my desk, yelling at me, and all I could do was get up from my chair and run away as my first panic attack took hold of me.

    It was during this time that I began my relationship with food. Every evening was the same: I would leave work, get Mexican take out, return home, turn my cell phone on silent, and watch reruns of Sex and the City.

    I lived vicariously through Carrie and struggled with her through her journey. It was in these few hours that I felt connected to something. I did not have to work hard, try, or fake anything; I just observed. This ritual got me through the year of 2008.     

    On New Year’s Eve, I sat waiting for my date to celebrate a new year, looking down on the pile of clothes on my floor. Not one shirt or pair of pants fit me. The last thing I wanted to do was celebrate anything as I wondered how it all added up to this one evening.

    The truth was, I had let myself go and weighed the most I have ever weighed in my entire life.

    The next morning, after a long evening of questioning and self-loathing, I woke up and started sifting through the pictures of myself from the evening before. Something in me wanted to fully acknowledge the truth of my reality; I lay down on my apartment floor, began accepting how far I had let myself go, and let it all out.

    An hour later, I peeled myself off the floor, walked to the bathroom mirror, leaned in, and declared that I did not recognize the girl in the mirror. That moment of recognition, or a lack of recognition for that matter, was my turning point.

    I had been hiding behind clothes, food, and Sex and the City reruns for far too long, and as painful as it was to face this reality, it was my awakening. This was my life, and there was no other option but to stop hiding behind food, face my fears, and move forward, fiercely. 

    This is exactly what I did. I left my job as a personal banker, lost forty pounds in the first year, became a certified personal trainer, and eventually started my own company to inspire and empower others to move fiercely forward in their lives. I became a warrior!

    Over the next four years, I learned four lessons that empowered me to live the life I wanted to live.

    1. Moving forward is the only option.

    That day, I did not know much about how I was going to change; I just knew why I needed to change.

    So I started somewhere; I dusted myself off, wiped my tears, and began emptying my kitchen cupboards. Day by day, action by action, I began moving in a new direction, and it felt different. I began seeing changes, both physically and mentally, soon thereafter and felt a sense of pride in myself that I had never felt before.

    It’s easy to overcomplicate the path to what you want, but it is very simple: take one small step forward each day.

    2. Walk through the fear, you warrior.

    When I first began my journey of moving forward in my life, I was excited, empowered, and motivated by all the positive changes that were taking place, but with this also came fear.

    What I feared most was having the courage to hold my own and be the best version of me. I envisioned the woman I wanted to be; she was empowered, confident, sexy, strong, and capable of anything she set her mind to! Then suddenly the fear crept in as I wondered how I would walk in this woman’s shoes and pull it off.

    Fear is an interesting thing; it can paralyze you or catapult you. If you let it paralyze you, you will continue doing what you have always done and shy away from the courage you have within you, your light. If you let it catapult you, you turn your fear into fuel and use it as a tool to conquer whatever stands in your way.

    It was the day I created my personal mantra, Fierce Forward, that I came face to face with my biggest fear that first year: stepping foot in the weight room.

    Walking into a room full of grunting men who have been doing this for years was extremely intimidating, but I would not allow my fear to paralyze me. I began running faster, brewing up the courage as I envisioned myself walking tall toward the weight room, stepping over the line that divides my past endeavors from my future endeavors.

    I knew I had to put a fierce face on, and ten minutes later, I was lifting weights amongst the men I once feared.  Little did I know at that time that lifting would become my passion and be the activity that empowers me most. Choosing to face my fear that day paid off ten fold, as lifting inspired me to become a personal trainer.

    The more experience I had with facing my fears, the more of a warrior I became.

    Fear should be walked through, not around. When you walk through it, you are choosing to face what you are afraid of and overcome it. That day in the gym, I walked through my fear!

    3. You hold the key.

    It was in one of my favorite movies, Sucker Punch, that these words, whispered by Sweat Pea, awoke something powerful within me: “Who chains us? And who holds the key that can set us free… It’s you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!”

    These words impacted me in a way nothing has before. I had been trudging through most of my life, reacting and living like a zombie. When I heard this quote, I was four years into my journey.  Through all the trials and tribulations I faced in those four years, I realized that I had already learned this lesson; I hold the key, and I always have.

    We are the only ones that can change our lives by taking responsibility for those changes. Just as I chose to take responsibility for my unhappiness, to move forward, to walk through my fears and to live the life I imagined for myself, so can you.

    4. Practice loving you.

    I knew that I had to believe in myself wholeheartedly to move forward in my life. I made it a mission to tell myself every day that I am beautiful, strong, confident, and powerful. Even if I did not completely believe it yet, I knew I had to “fake it until I make it,” and so I did.

    It was only through practice and intention that I began learning the art of self-love. As I began reaching for the woman I wanted to be, I realized that I deserve to shine.

    To this day, I focus on my self-talk and alter each negative thought with its positive scenario, I write myself love letters, lipstick “you are beautiful and fierce” on my bathroom mirror, and wear intention bracelets that give me the courage and strength I need to believe in myself.

    You are here to be powerful, fierce, and uniquely you. Do not fear this power, but run to it and embrace it with open arms.

    Remember, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?”

    Go get ‘em, you warrior!

    Photo by Camdiluv