Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • How to Rise Above Difficult Circumstances and Be Happy

    How to Rise Above Difficult Circumstances and Be Happy

    Rise Up

    “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ~Viktor Frankl

    I first got wind of this transformative concept when I was a teenager reading Man’s Search For Meaning.

    It has played beautifully into what has become my life theme: how people transcend their adversities. I’ve forever been inspired by how (some) people can go through so much and yet be able to rise above and live well. I call it living well despite…

    It seems to boil down to something beyond circumstance and external situations. Because, as we all know, there are so many people who have gone through terrible situations and yet manage to be upbeat and strong, and push forward in their lives; and yet others who sink into perpetual disappointment and despair. It seems to be a natural tendency to go one way or the other.

    When I went through some of my darkest times—having a child born with disabilities and having the same child go through a year-long near-fatal medical crisis, whose outcome was nothing short of miraculous—it was Viktor Frankl’s concept of “man’s inner strength raising him above his outward fate” that I kept going back to, and that definitely helped me stay afloat and cope well.

    With my former dark time, I fell pretty deep into despair, and only with the intense help of a gifted therapist was I able to get through the initial grief and grow into my new reality.

    With the latter situation, I incorporated specific actions and thought patterns to help me along the terrifying year of my daughter’s life-threatening illness.

    What makes some become better and some bitter?

    I now have a new piece of fascinating information that ties in to my life theme.

    I recently completed a certificate program in positive psychology. There is much proven research on just how much we can do to give ourselves that meaningful and joyful life we all naturally want; or I should say, that happiness we are all after.

    Sonja Lyubomirsky, psychologist and researcher in the field of happiness and well-being, came up with a pie chart representation showing the three determinants of happiness. Lo and behold, circumstance is the smallest piece of the pie, at only a 10% contributor to our happiness.

    Our genes make up 50%. And here’s the most powerful and influential piece of the pie: our behavior, our intentional activities, make up 40% of our happiness. This can really be the make-or-break part.

    This means there’s a lot we can do to increase our life satisfaction, above and beyond our circumstances, negative as they may be.

    So yes, we can rise above our difficult situations and we can become better, by first and foremost recognizing and acknowledging that we are not victims but rather active players and creators of our playing field, and then by intentionally reconstructing our views.

    Purpose

    As Nietzsche wrote, “He who has why to live can bear almost any how.” We always need a reason to go on, especially when the road is slippery under our feet. It’s all too easy to fall and succumb. But just having this stick to hold onto to guide us can keep us on the path.

    When my daughter was in a rehab hospital for nine months, what got me up each and every morning was the explicit purpose of being by her side as a cheerleader, encouraging her on her tough fight and climb up the mountain of human functions—from lifting her finger to walking again. It was a very steep ascent, one that entailed lots of grueling work.

    Benefit-Finder

    It seems to be human nature to have a slant toward the negative. It’s very easy to spot the faults and issues in things. The good news is that even if we weren’t born a glass-half-full person, we can train ourselves to see more of the positive.

    It’s about what we focus on. What do you hone in on—the rose or the thorn? When we take in the beauty of the rose, we start to notice other beauty around us. More comes into our purview.

    Positive psychology professor, Tal Ben-Shahar states, “When you appreciate the good, the good appreciates.”

    Permission to be Human

    This means allowing ourselves to feel the gamut of emotions—the unpleasant ones that sometimes drive us to suppress them by numbing means, and the good ones.

    Restricting the flow of painful feelings impedes the flow of the positive ones, for human emotions all flow through the same pipeline. We are blessed with a rich emotional make-up. We need to give ourselves permission to feel. This helps create a rich, authentic life.

    Once we are aware of our feelings, we can then choose how we act and respond.

    Choose to Choose

    At every moment we have a choice. Are we even aware of this? We can choose to take things for granted or appreciate the good; we can choose to view failure as a catastrophe or as a learning opportunity; we can choose to succumb or make the best of what happens.

    We can walk in the street with our head down (in our phones) or look up and smile at people, which sends in and out positivity.

    “Things don’t necessarily happen for the best, but some people are able to make the best of things that happen.” ~Tal Ben-Shahar

    So, when the rough times come or the bad things happen, are we able to find or make some good? Can we find the silver lining? Can we look to make lemonade out of lemons?

    When adversity hits, we can become better; we can rise above; we can even grow beyond and do things we never thought we could. We now know it’s more in our power than we may like to believe.

    It may sometimes feel easier to be a victim, but it’s certainly not a role that leads to a fulfilling, satisfying, and meaningful life.

    Our choices, both concrete and attitudinal, make up this 40% of the pie, and this can make us better above and beyond the other half.

    Photo by Llima Orosa

  • When You Feel Purposeless and Fear You’re Wasting Time

    When You Feel Purposeless and Fear You’re Wasting Time

    “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~George Bernard Shaw

    I wanted a guarantee.

    I wanted to know for sure that if I tried to do something, I would like it; if I devoted my limited time to it, I’d end up somewhere good.

    I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and I felt certain this was a phenomenal failing—because if you don’t know right now what you need to do to make your life count, life will pass you by before you’ve ever had a chance to do something meaningful or valuable. At least, that’s what I thought back then.

    So I sat around thinking, analyzing, trying to identify something big enough or good enough, terrified that maybe I’d spend the rest of my days feeling purposeless, useless, on the fringe; doing the same thing in my professional life as I’d always done in my personal life: feeling like I was on the outside looking in.

    When you’re sitting amid a vast expanse of possibilities, in the pressure cooker of expectations and impatience, it can feel almost paralyzing.

    What step do you take when you have a hunch but no solid sense of direction? If it’s only a hunch, then maybe it’s the wrong direction.

    And what if you go in the wrong direction? Then you will have wasted time, and time is finite. And everyone else is so far ahead. Everyone else seems happy and successful. Everyone else is climbing the ladder, earning more money, making a difference, mattering.

    What if you never matter? What if you never do anything important? And worst of all, what if you never have more than a hunch about what’s important to you?

    What if you never feel a spark, a purpose, that elusive “why” that so many people write about?

    What if you never care about anything so strongly that it becomes the bliss you have to follow?

    Sitting in the Times Square Internet café over a decade ago, searching Craigslist for jobs and gigs, I felt a sense of panic and urgency. I needed to figure it out, and fast.

    I was blinded by the fear of never finding what I was looking for, and that made the looking awfully ineffective.

    I thought there was something wrong with me for being so uncertain, so resistant, so unable to identify and commit to any path.

    In retrospect, I see there was nothing wrong with me, or where I was in life. And there was nothing wrong with living in the maybe, looking for new possibilities.

    I wasn’t ineffective because I didn’t yet feel a strong internal pull. I was ineffective because I consistently marinated my brain in anxious, self-judging thoughts.

    My biggest obstacle wasn’t that I felt lost; it was that I felt I shouldn’t be. I felt I should have known, right then, not only what I wanted to do but also how I was going to do it.

    Because without knowing those two things, I felt adrift and incredibly out of control. How can you let yourself ease into the moment if you can’t be sure it’s leading to a better one?

    If I were to walk into that Internet café and approach my younger self, she would probably ignore me, immersed as she was in her frantic searching.

    But if I somehow had the power to command her attention, I’d tell her a few things that maybe, just maybe, could relieve her constant worrying and provide both peace of mind and focus.

    You’ll never be effective if you’re convinced tomorrow needs to be better than today, because this belief stems from resistance to the present—and the present is where your power lies.

    If you’re looking for purpose from a place of inadequacy, you will likely be too overwhelmed by the need to do something big, that matters to the world at large, to identify what matters to you personally and start taking tiny steps toward it.

    Instead of looking for a guarantee that tomorrow will be valuable, know that today is valuable—that you’re not wasting time because you don’t yet feel a sense of purpose. You’re using time well by starting (or continuing) the process of discovering it.

    There’s simply no shortcut to “figuring things out”—for anyone. Instead of being hard on yourself for not having clarity, be proud of yourself for moving forward on a foggy road when you could easily find a cloudless, well-beaten path to follow…to certain dissatisfaction.

    There’s no set timeframe for doing anything.

    You truly can do things in your own time without having to worry about being “behind.” Sometimes it’s the things we do that feel like “stalling” or “getting off track” that end up being the most helpful for our growth.

    And besides, what story will be more interesting to flash before your eyes in the end: one that unfolded in ways you never expected, with unique twists and turns; or, one that followed a specific, predetermined timeline with predictable steps from milestone to milestone?

    The best way to find direction is to trust your instincts instead of forcing yourself to do things because you think you “should.”

    Your intuition is a powerful compass, and even if you think you aren’t making progress, if you’re following your instincts, you are.

    There are always going to be opportunities that look good on paper, and that little, scared voice within may tell you that your life will only matter if you take them.

    Other people may also tell you this, if not directly, indirectly; or, you may assume they’re thinking this, when really, they’re too immersed in their own confusing journey to pass judgment on yours for long.

    But sometimes the best opportunities are the ones you don’t take, leaving yourself open for choices that better align with your own values and priorities.

    I know this may sound as impossible as growing another lung, but try not to worry so much about what other people might think. They may have expectations, but they aren’t living inside your mind, or feeling your instincts.

    The only one who can make wise decisions for you is you. And even if it makes you feel anxious at times, you will eventually thank yourself for being brave enough to follow your heart, not someone else’s head.

    When it comes to creating purpose, there truly is no “wrong” decision.

    You may think you only have one purpose and that you need to push yourself to find it. And you can continue thinking this, if you’re okay with feeling chronically pressured and scared.

    Or, instead of aiming to discover the one thing you’re supposed to do with your life, you could focus on discovering the one thing you want to try right now, knowing that you can change direction any time. And that changing direction won’t be something to be ashamed of; it won’t mean you failed at discovering your purpose before. It will mean you had one purpose then, and now your purpose has evolved.

    It will mean you’re brave enough to let yourself evolve, repeatedly undertaking the sometimes terrifying process of discovering what else you can do.

    Maybe that in itself can be a purpose—to live life in that vulnerable, uncertain place where you’re not boxed into one way of being; unencumbered by the need to define yourself and your place in the world; free to roam when it would feel much safer to tether yourself to one role.

    —

    Ten years ago I thought I was a failure because I hadn’t done anything that felt important. I now know it was all important, and not just because it brought me to this site.

    All those steps were important because those steps were my life. And my life is valuable and worth enjoying regardless of what I do professionally.

    Ironically, adopting this mindset makes it so much easier to create meaning in life, because suddenly it’s not about what you have to do. It’s about what you want to do. It’s about where your heart’s pulling you in this moment.

    And that’s what it means to find direction—to follow those pulls, without a guarantee, knowing that the goal isn’t to end up somewhere good but to learn to recognize the good in this very moment.

    This moment isn’t merely the bridge to where you want to be. This moment—this crucial part of the process—is a destination in itself, and now is your only opportunity to appreciate it, and appreciate yourself for living it.

    Photo by h. koppdelaney

  • How Taking a Step Backward Can Be the Way Forward

    How Taking a Step Backward Can Be the Way Forward

    Moving Forward

    “Your dream doesn’t have an expiration date. Take a deep breath and try again.” ~KT Witten

    As I said goodbye on my last day of work, I couldn’t help feeling smug. When my colleagues turned up for work on Monday morning, I’d be at home, free to do whatever I wanted with my day.

    I’d resigned to explore the possibilities of a career in writing. With no clear idea of what the immediate future held, I was both nervous and excited.

    I imagined myself in a few years’ time, happily making a fortune from all my creative endeavors, living a life of adventure, appearing in magazines and on TV, chatting with Oprah about my latest project and my fabulous life.

    I was so cool.

    About eight months later I was back. My “bestseller” was still waiting to be published; I’d abandoned the blog that was going to take the world by storm; I’d dropped several other ideas that had barely even started; and my bank balance was looking very sorry for itself.

    Not so cool.

    Thankfully, I successfully managed to ignore my inner critic, who was doing her best to tell me how stupid I’d been. Nevertheless, I felt confused about what had happened.

    Over the past couple of years I’d been hearing how we should all have the courage to go for our dreams—that we should trust our instincts, follow our hearts, embrace uncertainty, and dare to believe in ourselves.

    And that’s what I’d done. I’d followed my heart, which had told me to resign from my job and pursue writing. Then I followed it back again to the same job I’d spent a year telling myself I had to leave.

    If I was supposed to follow my heart, why was I back to square one? On reflection, I realized the answer was simple; I wasn’t back to square one at all. In fact, I wasn’t even back to square two.

    When we try something new, when we dare to take a risk, it rarely, if ever, works out as we imagine.

    When unexpected challenges arise, when things go “wrong,” it’s tempting to tell ourselves that we’ve failed; that we should stick to what we know. That we should just play it safe and leave dream-following to those who have what it takes.

    Don’t do it; don’t let the negative thoughts and self-doubt bring you down. Instead, consider the following questions to keep you focused on your goal and going in the right direction.

    What have you learned from the experience?

    I knew becoming self-employed would be hard work, but I wasn’t prepared for the psychological shift it would take.

    I’d always worked for other people, and I’d always pretty much done what I was told in every other area of my life, too. It takes a huge change on the inside to be able to go from one extreme to the other.

    But if I hadn’t left my job, I wouldn’t have known that. I’d still be at work, resenting every moment, wanting to jump but not daring to do it and always wondering, “what if…?”

    I’ve learned that I don’t have to sacrifice everything to go for what I want. I don’t have to eat baked beans and live in a squat until I’m discovered.

    Going back to work has meant that I can afford to invest in myself, both in terms of my physical well-being and getting my ideas off the ground.

    Prioritizing your dreams doesn’t mean you mustn’t ever work a day job again. It means making time for the things that are truly important to you.

    I’ve also learned that taking a big risk isn’t always that risky after all. Before I left work, I procrastinated for months, alternating between excitement at the thought of going for my dream and fear over what would happen if I ran out of money.

    And what happened in the end? I ran out of money and went back to work. No biggie.

    Very rarely do the calamities we imagine happening come true.

    What have you achieved?

    It can be all too tempting to focus on the things you haven’t done, but try instead to focus on what you did manage to do.

    I finished the project I was working on before leaving my job and researched the world of publishing, which I didn’t have time for when I was working. I started a blog, and while it didn’t work out as I’d hoped, the experience gave me some more ideas to work on. It also led me to discovering that people liked my writing, which gave me the confidence to believe that I had something to offer.

    Even your “failures” can be achievements, as when you know what doesn’t work for you, you’re one step closer to finding out what does.

    How have you changed?

    Going back to work has shown me just how much my mindset has changed. For so many years, work was something I had to do to survive, and everything else had to come second.

    Now I understand that life isn’t supposed to be about cursing the alarm clock on Monday morning and living for the weekend. I can see the pointlessness of arguing over who gets the best parking space (especially since I don’t even drive) or complaining about things we’re not even going to try to change.

    Use the negative as a positive. Sometimes, a healthy dose of what you don’t want can help remind you of what you do want and where you want to go.

    Once you’ve taken the first step toward your dream, there really is only one direction to go in. Keep your eye on the goal and use any step you take backward as a tool for moving forward.

    Photo by Simon

    Editor’s Note: Louise has generously offered to give away two free copies of her book, Stop Making Your Life a Misery. Leave a comment on the post for a chance to win! You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, July 25th. 

    UPDATE: The winners for this giveaway are Amy and MAustin. 

  • One Small Positive Thought

    One Small Positive Thought

    One Small Positive Thought

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  • Give Yourself Loving Care

    Give Yourself Loving Care

    Give Yourself Loving Care

    Source: NotSalmon.com

  • Dealing With Criticism: 5 Tools to Develop a Thick Skin

    Dealing With Criticism: 5 Tools to Develop a Thick Skin

    “When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” ~Miguel Ruiz

    Have you ever opened a spring-loaded email? You know, the kind with a nasty barb inside that hits you like a punch in the gut?

    My business partner and I had recently launched our new podcast, and he had forwarded me an email he’d received from a viewer.

    “Just watched Episode One,” the writer said. “GREAT idea! But WAY too much talking. Want specifics, not Melissa’s self-indulgent blathering on about the creative process…”

    Ouch. My vision blurred at this point, and the rest of the missive was lost on me. A hot flush prickled my skin from head to toe.

    I recognized this feeling. It was something I’d been doing my best to avoid since early childhood. For much of my life, fear of criticism had kept me small and timid, hiding under my shell. Over the past several years, though, I’ve been stepping out of the shadows, playing bigger, putting myself and my work out in the world more boldly.

    I knew it was only a matter of time before critics started lobbing nastygrams my way, and thankfully, I was prepared.

    If you want to live a big, bold, creative life, one of the first orders of business is learning how to deal with criticism.

    The more you step out into the spotlight, whether literally or figuratively, the more attention and feedback you’re going to get, and not all of it will be positive.

    As kids on the playground, we chanted that “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me,” but words can and do hurt. They have the power to destroy us if we let them.

    How, then, do we armor up against criticism?

    Here are five tools that will help you grow a thicker skin.

    Tool #1: Separate fact from interpretation.

    When I opened that nastygram from the podcast viewer, it would have been easy to interpret it as defining a core truth about me.

    Instead, I reminded myself that her assessment wasn’t objective truth; it was merely her opinion. I might not like her opinion, but ultimately it has nothing to do with me, or with objective reality.

    In the same way, if I organize a workshop or offer a painting for sale, and nobody buys, it’s easy to leap to thoughts like “My work sucks. I suck.”

    The fact that I didn’t make a sale doesn’t actually tell me anything about me or my work, however. All I really know is that this particular offer wasn’t compelling to this particular audience at this particular moment.

    Separating fact from interpretation can help prevent you from sliding down into a rat hole of “I suck.” And it can even help you make tactical decisions going forward: if this audience didn’t buy, maybe I want to change my messaging, or maybe I want to find a new audience!

    Tool #2: Find the shiny, red button.

    Have you ever noticed how certain criticisms roll right off, like water off a duck’s back, but others cut you to the core no matter what you do?

    In elementary school, when the boys tried to taunt me by fiddling with my last name, Dinwiddie, and calling me “Dumb-widdie,” it was annoying, but it didn’t really hurt. Nor did it stick, because I had a core belief that I was smart. There were no fears or beliefs about myself for the insult to hook into.

    On the other hand, for many years whenever someone called me selfish, it flattened me.

    Somehow I got a message as a very young child that I was selfish. Then, in my first marriage, whenever I wasn’t able to meet my husband’s needs, he declared that I was selfish. Even when my friends and family reflected back that I was loving and generous, those early beliefs were like a big, shiny, red button with a hair trigger that got pushed really easily.

    For years, the tiniest comment that I was acting in my own self-interest threw me into a frenzy of self-doubt and anxiety. As a result, I bent over backward for others in an attempt to prove that I wasn’t selfish.

    No wonder an accusation that I was “self-indulgently blathering on” stung me so badly!

    The criticism isn’t actually the problem here; it’s the beliefs we hold about ourselves.

    When we can notice which criticisms wound us the most deeply, it shines a light on what our beliefs are. Not only can this help us to find neutrality again, with this outlook, criticism can actually become a valuable tool for self-growth.

    Tool #3: Reframe criticism as positive fuel.

    Years ago, when I was a beginning calligrapher, a master teacher invited me to show him my portfolio.

    I was scared to hear his critiques, until he assured me, “I’m simply going to tell you how you can make your work better.” Suddenly, instead of being terrified of his feedback, I was hungry for it.

    Alas, not all of our critics will be so gentle and well intentioned. It’s not always easy to practice neutrality, but the more we can shift our mindset to look for the lesson beneath the venom, the more even negative comments can be useful to us, and even empower and fuel us to keep going and make our work better.

    Tool #4: Ignore anyone on the sidelines.

    That said, sometimes feedback isn’t useful at all. TED speaker and best-selling author Brené Brown has received comments on her videos such as, “If I looked like Brené Brown, I’d embrace imperfection too.”

    This kind of insult has nothing to do with the work in question. It’s designed to hurt, not to help, and it has nothing useful to offer.

    If there are some cases when a criticism can be useful, and other cases when it does no good at all, how do we sift through feedback to determine what to pay attention to, and what to ignore?

    Brown likens nasty, unhelpful comments to the insults screamed down from the stands at the gladiators fighting in the arena below. It’s easy to yell that someone else can’t fight their way out of a paper bag when you’re sitting safely out of harm’s way.

    So ask yourself if your critics are offering opinions that are truly useful to you. Are they metaphorical gladiators, fighting alongside you in the arena? Or are they potential recipients of your work?

    If your critic is neither of the above, it’s likely they’re trolls hanging around on the sidelines. Ignore them.

    Tool #5: Find a thick-skinned role model.

    Did you know that Dr. Seuss, whose books sold millions over his lifetime, had his first book rejected at least twenty times? Thank goodness he persisted!

    It’s easy to think that being on the receiving end of criticism means something is wrong with us, but the truth is, being criticized is a hallmark of doing cutting-edge, important work! Countless people who are now known for amazing things were criticized or rejected at first.

    Think of Madonna, Lady Gaga, Hilary Clinton, Gloria Steinem. Whether or not you like their work or what they stand for, you have to admit that these women each touched a nerve in our culture, and have gotten a ton of criticism as a result. Yet they never gave up.

    The next time someone lobs a bomb your way, think about someone you admire who kept forging ahead, despite their critics. You might even want to post their picture, or quotes by them, by your workspace to inspire you to keep going.

    There you have it—my five favorite tools for handling criticism. Hopefully these will help you grow a thicker skin!

  • What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways to Be Good to Yourself

    What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways to Be Good to Yourself

    “Self-love requires you to be honest about your current choices and thought patterns and undertake new practices that reflect self-worth.” ~Caroline Kirk

    If one more person told me to “love myself” I was going to levitate into the air and pull one of those impossible martial arts moves from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I was sick of it!

    What the heck does loving myself mean? Were they talking about bubble baths, pedicures, and cucumber masks? It turns out there is so much more to self-love than just pampering ourselves. I found this out the hard way.

    About a year and a half ago, I almost died after a bad breakup. I had devoted so much of my energy to making the relationship work that I had completely neglected my own needs, and had given away my power and my responsibility for happiness.

    As I wrote about here, when I finally developed the courage to end an addictive and painful relationship, I had to live with the effects of lack of self-love.

    I struggled to eat, sleep, or continue my daily functioning. I spent every waking hour to myself, trying to understand how and why I had gotten there. I had to know, because whatever it was, if I did not attend to it, this was going to be the end of the road for me. I knew it.

    I made mixed media collages, journaled, watched The Notebook five more times, cried, and called up friends to keep me company while I ate my few bites each day.

    During this whole time, I found places in my story where I was not present to my own life, my body, or my spirit. I was just there. I found the places where I had abandoned myself and then gotten mad at the other person for not meeting my needs.

    The truth was, I did not have a big enough inner container to hold the love I so desired even if I received it, because my self-love tank had shrunk down to the size of a bottle cap.

    It finally became very clear to me that there was one core reason I had gotten there: I did not know anything about self-love.

    This realization launched me into a relentless search for the meaning of self-love, internally and externally.

    I found that self-love is a not a destination; it’s a practice. Self-love is the foundation on which we build a happy life. Without self-love, we have nowhere to put the love or abundance that comes to us.

    Not sure what it looks like to love yourself? Here is what I’ve learned. Self-love is…

    1. Choosing ourselves, even if it means upsetting others and not being popular anymore. Even if it means we leave a party before anyone else because we feel tired, overwhelmed, or just plain feel done with the crowd.

    2. Telling what is true for us, not swallowing words that express what we truly feel, think, or want to do.

    3. Giving our body the nurturing, rest, exercise, and comfort it needs to the best of our ability.

    4. Wearing clothes that make us feel good and fit our personality instead of wearing clothes that are in fashion that we use to impress others.

    5. Building a life that we love while we are single instead of waiting for our prince/princess to show up to explore life and to be happy.

    6. Accepting ourselves with the good, the bad, the ugly, the sexy, and the smelly—all of it—and appreciating ourselves as whole people.

    7. Making time to do whatever we love, just to play, without worrying about wasting time.

    8. Owning our inner and outer beauty and complimenting ourselves without feeling guilty, arrogant, or entitled.

    9. Not rehashing our past mistakes and dragging ourselves to a dark place when we know that we can only learn from the past; we can’t change it.

    10. Spending some quality, connected time with ourselves instead of always watching TV or wasting time on the Internet.

    11. Using discretion when sharing our heart, self, and dreams with others.

    12. Trusting the path that our soul is on and making a genuine effort to become a conscious co-creator of our destiny.

    13. Not blaming our parents for our current issues, and looking for ways to heal our wounds and change our dysfunctional patterned behaviors by reaching out to ministers, therapists, coaches, and healers.

    14. Following what our gut/intuition says instead of living out of our brain and ego.

    15. Staying in our integrity, both when it comes to ourselves and when interacting with others out in the world. This includes keeping ourselves in check regarding patterns such as lying, manipulating, co-depending, withholding, and pretending.

    16. Allowing ourselves to dream big, without contaminating these dreams with judgments, our perceived limitations, or a lack of sense of deserving.

    17. Knowing how we’re spending our emotional, mental, financial, and physical energy, and whether these activities bring back joy, connection, nurturing, rest, and creativity to our lives.

    18. Taking responsibility for all of our experiences. Knowing that we have the ability for deeper self-awareness and access to our intuition when it comes to making life choices.

    19. Not labeling ourselves with others’ opinions of us, while having the courage to look inside to see if there might be some truth to them.

    20. Learning to set boundaries that protect and nurture our relationships, with ourselves and others.

    21. Allowing ourselves to make mistakes and not berating ourselves for making them. Instead, choosing to appreciate our desire to learn and grow.

    22. Refusing to seek permission or approval to be ourselves. Recognizing that we, like everyone else, deserve to take up space on this planet just as who we are right now.

    And lastly, self-love is:

    23. Loving and accepting ourselves even when we fail miserably at some of these self-love goals.

    No one else can offer these things to us. No one else can take our vitamins for us or prevent us from going into a self-loathing attack.

    Even if we land the best partner on the planet, this person won’t be able to make us happy and feel loved unless we create the space for it inside by practicing self-love. This is why self-love is an inside job.

    From my heart to your heart…

  • Too Positive

    Too Positive

    Too Positive

    Source

  • How to Let Go of the Fear of Being Hurt Again

    How to Let Go of the Fear of Being Hurt Again

    Hiding in the Rain

    “Accept your past without regret, handle your present with confidence, and face your future without fear.” ~Unknown 

    My pet fish died today. Red-striped fins as beautiful as always, he was swimming around in his tank only four weeks ago. First he became less active. Next he refused to eat. Then he was gone.

    As I buried him in the yard, my first thought was, I don’t want to have a pet fish ever again. Awareness kicked in, and I realized that my thought was triggered by fear to experience an unpleasant circumstance such as this again.

    This is how our minds tend to work: After we go through a hurtful situation, we subconsciously avoid anything that we believe caused our pain. 

    This instinct of self-preservation can protect us from repeating mistakes and experiencing pain, but it can also prevent us from living life to the fullest.

    One of my friends accepted a job that required her to relocate often. After the fourth move, she decided it wasn’t worth it to make new friends in her new town. It seemed to be a less hurtful option to distance herself from others.

    Focused entirely on work and her immediate family, she stayed in touch with a few long-distance friends, such as me, but she admitted that she often felt something was missing in her life.

    My uncle swore to never have another dog after his fourteen-year-old Shih Tzu mix had to be put to sleep. He didn’t have to deal with the loss of another pet, but was still in mourning for his dead dog years after the event.

    After a traumatic experience with marriage, the mere thought of being in a new romantic relationship used to make me my physically ill. I didn’t want to get hurt again, so I would distrust everyone I met, which prevented me from welcoming new people into my life.

    That’s until I realized that my sense of self-preservation had become my biggest obstacle to create new meaningful connections.

    How do we let go of the fear of being hurt again and open our hearts and minds to what life has to offer?

    Contemplating the following truths has helped me and it might help you, too.

    A full life is made of a wide range of experiences, and some of these experiences will be unpleasant.

    Job situations change. People and pets become ill and die. Relationships end.

    Accepting that sometimes things won’t go your way will allow you to let go of the anxiety and stress that arise from resistance to your life circumstances. When you stop resisting, your mind is clear enough to find solutions to your problems.

    Avoidance based on fear will not protect you from experiencing pain.

    Why? Because living in fear is already living in pain. Instead of avoiding perceived sources of pain, seek sources of joy.

    When I focused on the character traits I wanted the people in my life to have, and adopted behaviors that reflected these qualities, I started to meet amazing beings who became trusted friends.

    Assuming responsibility for your unpleasant circumstances is a way to regain control of your life and to learn.

    Ask yourself how your thoughts and behaviors might have contributed to what happened to you. The past won’t repeat itself if you learn from the difficulty and assume control of your thoughts about the situation.

    And even if you feel that you didn’t play a role in the challenge you experienced, you can still take responsibility for your attitudes and feelings about what happened. You can choose to move on.

    My friend could choose to apply for a job that doesn’t require moving so often, or she could view relocation as an exciting opportunity to make friends all over the country.

    My uncle could cherish the memory of his previous pet by giving a new dog all the love and care that all creatures deserve.

    When I let go of my limiting thoughts, I started to see life under a different lens, and welcomed new people who were aligned with my values and appreciated me for who I was.

    The instinct of self-preservation is a powerful tool when combined with conscious awareness.

    Become aware of your negative thoughts as soon as they pop up, and assume the objective perspective of an observer. This will prevent you from being ruled by fear and will allow you to tap into your intuition.

    Allow yourself to learn from the past and then, let it go. Leave the hurt and the pain behind. Move forward so you can enjoy the unlimited, amazing abundance that life has to offer!

    Photo by Eddi van W.

  • The Secret Recipe for a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship

    The Secret Recipe for a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship

    Happy Couple

    “Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience, and two people who truly want to be together.” ~Unknown

    Things changed. You can’t put your finger on it, but you know it’s true. You wish you could make it better. You want to fix it.

    The problem is that you don’t know how.

    Maybe it’s already too late, and the relationship ended despite all your efforts.

    In the barrage of cliché advice and consolation you get from friends, relatives, and “experts,” the answer is as elusive as ever. It’s not helpful when people tell you that it just wasn’t meant to be, time heals all wounds, or that sometimes couples grow apart.

    So what is the trick? What is the secret to having a happy, long-lasting relationship?

    I recently spoke on the phone with a friend who lives in a different city. We hadn’t spoken in a long time, and it was good to catch up on things. Among all the things we discussed like careers, vacations, and other fun stuff, we ended up on the topic of relationships.

    After discussing my current relationship status and how things were going, she talked about her situation. She’d been dating the same guy for around three years, and clearly was having questions about whether or not she should stay in the relationship.

    She said he was a nice guy and they had a good thing going, but something just wasn’t there anymore. 

    This is something that isn’t all that uncommon. We see it frequently in life, where two people get together, are happy, they get comfortable, and then drift apart. It’s a sad part of our reality, but it is one that many people have been through.

    While I listened to my friend talk about her situation, I remembered having been through some of the same stuff in my own life. Then, she suddenly stopped and bluntly asked me, “What is the secret recipe for a long-lasting relationship?”

    The question caught me a little off guard, but after a few seconds of careful and hurried consideration, I came up with an answer that I feel is absolutely true. It is something that I’ve heard advice-givers pass to others. However, I believe the key to it working is effort on the parts of both people.

    The Secret Recipe

    It isn’t really that complicated, but it is difficult for people to implement. Each person in the relationship needs to focus on the things that brought them together. That’s it. Seriously.

    I know what you’re thinking. That is too simple. Or maybe you already tried that. Did you?

    I mean, did you really put a ton of effort into getting back to the things that brought the two of you together?

    When you first started dating the person, you were attracted to them on at least a few levels. While the physical thing changes over time, and sometimes people think that the grass is greener on the other side, the core of most relationship issues is not physical.

    In my experience, the real problem is with the connection that has been lost between the two people.

    It is that connection that must be re-established.

    Ask yourself why you started seeing the other person in the beginning. Did you have fun together? If so, what kinds of things did you do? What changed? Why did they change?

    These kinds of questions can stimulate an avalanche of excuses from people. Some will say that they grew apart. Others try to claim that when they had kids, everything changed. Still more will say that they aren’t who they were when the relationship began.

    That last one is tough. As humans, we are constantly changing, growing, evolving physically and with our characters. However, it is still possible to repair the damage, and it all begins with tracing your steps back to the things that brought the two of you together.

    What created the connection between you? Dig deep into those things together, and take the time to revisit those experiences, ideas, and moments.

    This was the answer I gave my friend on the phone. I told her that it is crucial to reconnect to the things that brought you together, and by doing that, you can renew the excitement, passion, and friendship that were established early on.

    Put Into Action

    It’s all well and good to talk about the theory of stuff, but does it really work? I never recommend anything to people if I haven’t either tried it myself, or seen it work on someone else. In this case, I actually put the idea to use in my own relationship.

    When my girlfriend and I initially got together, we had plenty of deep, stimulating conversations. We read books together on the porch and spent a lot of time just talking or hanging out.

    After a while, though, we became very comfortable with each other. We slipped into a mode much like many couples do, where we methodically ask how each other’s day was and then turn on the television to watch our favorite shows.

    Somehow, we had found ourselves in the same situation many other people get into when they’ve been together for a prolonged period of time.

    I could tell that she wasn’t as happy as she used to be, and I had to admit that I wasn’t feeling the same excitement about the relationship as I had when we got together. Instead of ending it and going our separate ways, I decided to get back to what brought us together in the first place.

    I noticed that she reads a lot on her iPhone, and began asking her to share the articles she was reading with me by sending a link. Since she is constantly reading on her breaks at work or on the porch at home, this gave me a way to reconnect with what she was interested in.

    Now, we are back on the same page. I read the things she’s interested in (not all the time but quite a bit) and we can have engaging conversations about those topics when we get home. Our day has gone away from the ordinary “how was your day, honey” conversations to something more meaningful.

    And as we all know, communication is one of the most important things to have in a relationship.

    I’ve talked to several people who are much older than I about this. Some of them have been married for forty years or more. The happiest ones always say the same thing.

    They say to treat the relationship like it was new each and every day, and concentrate on the things that brought them together in the first place.

    What’s your story? Have you been through something like this? What did you do? How did it turn out?

    Photo by Scarlett White

  • Be Present, Be Yourself: 5 Lessons from Dance Meditation

    Be Present, Be Yourself: 5 Lessons from Dance Meditation

    Dancing

    “While I dance I cannot judge, I cannot hate, I cannot separate myself from life. I can only be joyful and whole. This is why I dance.” ~Hans Bos

    I am not a dancer. I was kicked out jazz ballet, and I am so clumsy that I once broke the mirror in an aerobics class. I don’t dance at parties, either, because to be honest I don’t enjoy it.

    But turns out, just like everyone else, I am also a dancer.

    A year and a half ago I was volunteering in the Turkish mountains, and after a rather upsetting situation I had the sudden urge to go out into the forest and dance, without music, in nature, in peace and safety. It was a beautiful experience, but I forgot about it soon after leaving Turkey.

    Last summer a friend of mine was passionately sharing her experiences at a dance meditation class she was taking. I’m still not sure why, but I just knew in my heart it was for me. I had to try it. I found a class, went, and completely fell in love.

    Movement meditation, or dance meditation, is an experience that is nearly impossible to put into words, as it is a dance without any instructions, following the music and the rhythms.

    In movement meditation class, people move their bodies as they feel like it, without judgment, just letting everything go, just being present, just being themselves.

    Besides running, I have never felt so safe, free, and present in the moment as during a dance class. It became my meditation, my relaxation, and a little slice of home in my heart.

    Movement meditation has given me so much—so much joy, so much passion, so many smiles, so many emotions. But most of all, dance meditation has given me so many valuable lessons to be used in my life.

    1. You can be part of the crowd and still be yourself.

    During movement meditation we dance alone, yet we dance together. Some people, like me, prefer to mostly remain in their own world, while others would rather connect for a while. We are all part of the same crowd, yet we respect each other’s world and remain in our own dance.

    It’s just like in real life: There are so many people busy running to work, to school, to pick up the kids, to get their shopping done, and so on. We pass each other; sometimes we connect and often we don’t, but we are part of the same place.

    We are all connected, occupying the same planet and connected to the same universe, yet there is room to be ourselves, to express our own creative power, and to live our own passion from our heart.

    2. Every body is beautiful.

    I looked rather skeletal when I entered my first dance meditation class after losing too much weight, while trying to heal from a chronic health condition through various cleanses and elimination diets.

    Since then, I’ve healed my health conditions and gained the weight back. My body is different now, and I would be lying if I said the change in my body shape has always been easy, but dance meditation has helped me tremendously with this process.

    Every time I dance I feel my body as something connected to and part of a beautiful bigger whole rather than as a lonely and disconnected object.

    Moving among other bodies, I not only feel an amazing connection, but I also experience how beautiful we are all, in body and spirit. Leaving class, walking down the street, I remind myself to respect my body, because, just like every body, it’s beautiful.

    3. It is okay to change direction.

    The music is different every class, and how I feel can be different every minute. Sometimes I do one thing, but then my heart changes and so does my movement. I can even sit down if I want to.

    I am a person who lives a rather alternative life by society’s standard, always following her heart wherever it leads her. Dancing reassures me that it is more than okay to change direction, stop, turn back, run forward, or jump between different roads.

    Dancing reassures me that the heart knows the best; therefore, it is the best to listen to the heart. The rest will follow.

    4. It’s okay to do your own thing.

    Looking into a dance meditation class may be crazy to a completely oblivious outsider. There are people jumping and even screaming. While others move gracefully in their beautiful slow dance, some are rolling on the floor, and yet a few are sitting in meditative pose. Everyone does their own dance, which can look chaotic at first glance.

    But as my teacher often says, there is no right or wrong; whatever and however you dance is okay, and the same truth holds for life.

    It is pointless to compare ourselves to others or even to our past life or future goals because we’re all different, coming from different places. Living in the present moment is a beautiful thing, and following our own instincts is the best way to live in the moment.

    5. Dance from your heart, live from your heart.

    Some days when I go to class I am extremely happy and I just want to put my joy on the floor. There are days when I come with sadness, anger, or frustration, which I am able to release in movement. Whatever I feel in my heart is the thing that comes out in my dance.

    I truly believe in the power and importance of authenticity. Just like in dance, living an authentic, honest life from our heart gives a tremendous amount of freedom, because it’s only in acknowledging and showing our true feelings that we’re able to work through them. To live free and happy, remember to live from your heart.

    Photo by m01229

  • Things That Don’t Matter

    Things That Don’t Matter

    Things That Don't Matter

    Source: Live Life Happy

  • You Are More Than Your Past and Your Pain

    You Are More Than Your Past and Your Pain

    “We are like the little branch that quivers during a storm, doubting our strength and forgetting we are the tree—deeply rooted to withstand all life’s upheavals.” ~Dodinsky

    I began struggling with anorexia and bulimia in high school, a development that, in part, stemmed from sexual abuse.

    I internalized my struggles and made them a part of me, leaving me with feelings of shame, guilt, unworthiness, and despair. I had completely lost connection with my authentic self and instead, took on the roles of “ruined,” “broken,” and “worthless.”

    If you had asked me who I was three years ago, I would be stumped. I would get as far as my name and follow it with “I have an eating disorder.” Even after my recovery, my eating disorder was still a big part of my identity.

    I became the protagonist, but my “self” was more about the plot than actual character development. I allowed myself to be defined by external events and situations instead of unveiling my raw authenticity, values, and assets.

    My true self was masked by what had happened to me. Somewhere within the storms of my life, I lost myself and adopted a lesser, superficial version of Kelly.

    I felt fragile and unsteady, walking on eggshells and avoiding anyone or anything that may elicit a potential hurt or disappointment.

    I began numbing myself from unpleasant feelings, and consequently, pleasant feelings as well. I felt empty inside and weighed down with memories of my past. My life was robotic, predictable, and lacked both meaning and direction.

    The thoughts I had adopted about myself became my truth. I believed, wholeheartedly, that I was nothing more than my eating disorder, my trauma, and my circumstances.

    It’s easy to take pain, disappointment, and unfavorable life events and internalize them. We struggle with these unpleasant experiences and let them weigh us down when we fail to separate ourselves from them.

    By making our past hurts a part of our being, we carry with us unbearable emotional baggage and become overwhelmed by grief, resentment, and anguish.

    It is vital, then, to find separation between who we are and what has happened to us.

    The best analogy I have come up with to visualize this separation is to view myself as a tree. After struggling for years with pain from my past, I began looking deeper into my being, digging up the roots of what really lies within.

    The rain and wind of life’s troubles seemed to uproot me and bend my branches to the point of breaking, and the aftermath of these emotional storms left me feeling scattered, weak, and exhausted.

    I found an everlasting steadiness when I began viewing my true self as the trunk of the tree—the unshakable core.

    Within this strong and centered point lied my authenticity—my heart, my values, and the myriad of quirks that made me, me. This part of me is protected with layers of bark, which the storms can no longer penetrate.

    Instead, the rains of my pain, disappointment, and unfavorable life events became external, rapidly beading off and nourishing my roots, no longer making me feel shaken, but nurturing me for growth.

    This is not where the pain ends; this is where it begins. We are shaped by our experiences, not defined by them. They are, in a way, part of us.

    Some of these reminders stay with us longer than others. They are the leaves that cover our branches. Some fall as winter comes, and time kisses our wounds; and yet others stay with us through the seasons.

    They are each unique and beautiful in their own way, shielding us like an umbrella of strength, protecting us from internalizing similar hurts in the future.

    Whether bare or full, a tree is a tree. Whether hurt or healing, the external experiences of life cannot change the constant steadiness that is our core—our heart, our unshakeable sense of self.

    Who you are is not what has happened to you. The lost are never really lost; even after years of struggling with anorexia and bulimia, and losing myself to my experiences, something still existed deep within, waiting to be found again: the true Kelly.

    I encourage you to dig deep, to penetrate the soil, and follow the roots to your heart. There you will find the eternal essence that is you.

  • How to Beat Panic Attacks: 3 Simple Mindfulness Techniques

    How to Beat Panic Attacks: 3 Simple Mindfulness Techniques

    “By living deeply in the present moment we can understand the past better and we can prepare for a better future.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    When I was in high school, a hit-and-run car accident changed my world. My boyfriend at the time lost his nineteen-year-old brother to the accident. I had never met his brother, but it didn’t matter; a dark veil had been cast over my life.

    In the days, weeks, months, and years following the accident, I sank into a deeper and deeper depression. I started to have panic attacks and I cut myself daily, trying to feel anything other than terror and despair. I sought treatment, met with therapists, tried dozens of medications, and routinely turned back to alcohol when nothing worked.

    Before long, I fell in love with a man who was also deeply depressed. Six months after our marriage, I found him collapsed on our living room floor after trying to kill himself by overdosing on his medication.

    I called the authorities, supported him through the ensuing hospital stay, and turned right back to my unhealthy methods of dealing with the pain.

    For years, I muddled through the darkness, thinking I was destined to lead a miserable existence. Over and over, I told myself life would have been so much better if that hit-and-run accident had never occurred. I was convinced it was the one pivotal factor that had destroyed my life.

    Eventually, the stress of living this way caught up with me. In addition to the depression and anxiety, I began to have migraines, uncontrollable nosebleeds, and excruciating muscle pain. I went to doctor after doctor and at one point was taking seven prescription medications every day, with no relief in sight.

    Finally, it was clear I needed to take a different course of action. I decided to look into meditation. Before long, I had accumulated three meditation methods to try.

    The first method was a simple practice of closing my eyes and counting each breath. I tried this until it became evident that I could never get past the number one before my brain started reliving events from my past. Closing my eyes, it seemed, took me too far away from the present moment.

    Instead of closing my eyes, I had more success keeping my eyes open and silently but consciously acknowledging my surroundings. Whether I was at home, on the train, or walking down the street, I could practice mindfulness by saying, “Hello, carpet,” or “Hello, tree,” and I was immediately grounded into the present.

    Perhaps it seems strange to greet inanimate objects, but it helped me maintain a more immediate experience of the present moment, so I went with it.

    After that, I tried body scan meditation, or moment-to-moment awareness of sensations within the body. Taking some time to recognize sensations as they occurred turned out to be a great help in training my mind to accept and acknowledge discomfort until it passed. Seeing that discomfort was a passing experience was a life-changing realization all on its own.

    Throughout my meditation experiments, I continued to have trouble staying present for more than a few seconds at a time, but I could see it was beginning to have some benefits.

    When I returned to counting breaths, I began to reach two or three or sometimes even ten. With growing faith that mindfulness meditation was having a positive effect on my life, I kept meditating until finally one day my meditation was interrupted by the sound of an ambulance siren.

    As I listened to the siren, I felt a panic attack coming on. The siren made me think back to the day of the hit-and-run accident, and when I finally let go of that thought, I thought back to the day of my husband’s suicide attempt.

    I braced myself against the panic attack and desperately tried to remember a mindfulness technique I could employ in that moment.

    During a panic attack, bodily sensations are extreme, so it made sense to me to try and focus on body awareness and how I was relating to my surroundings.

    Despite the inner voice that kept telling me I was going to die, I resolved to experience this panic attack mindfully, from beginning to end. I turned my attention to my breathing and faced that panic attack like it was an ocean wave I was going to allow to wash over me.

    While every muscle in my body began to tighten, I consciously tried to let go of the tension and simply notice what was happening in my body, without judgment or blame.

    Almost instantly, I experienced a massive muscle spasm that made my entire body lurch. Awareness of my surroundings became a feeling that I was falling through the floor, and I worried this really was the panic attack that would kill me.

    But then, the panic, the terror, and all that muscle tension passed through my body in what I can only describe as an enormous wave of energy.

    I felt that wave pass from the top of my head through every last finger and toe, and just as suddenly as it had begun, the panic was gone. As I returned to my breathing, I listened again to the siren and, for the first time, I heard a siren that had nothing to do with me or my past. I heard a siren that was a siren and nothing more.

    In the five years since this experience, I haven’t had a single panic attack. In my case, panic was an extreme expression of resistance to thoughts and memories I didn’t want to experience. When I learned to stop resisting, I learned to beat panic.

    I can’t guarantee that anyone else’s experience will be the same, but perhaps I can share some suggestions based on what worked for me. If you are one of the millions of people in the world who suffer from panic attacks, here are a few methods you can try the next time you feel one approaching.

    Counting Breaths

    Notice your breathing. Is it rapid and shallow? Is it becoming shallower the more you panic? Take a moment to close your eyes and turn your attention to counting breaths.

    If you find you are counting very quickly, see if you can focus on just one or two long inhalations and exhalations. Don’t worry if you can’t get past one or two. If you notice your mind has strayed from counting, congratulations! You have experienced a moment of mindfulness under extremely challenging conditions.

    Acknowledging Your Surroundings

    If, like me, you find that closing your eyes makes you panic more, open your eyes and start acknowledging your surroundings. Say hello to your hands, your feet, the ground, the ceiling, a chair, a tree, or anything at all you spot around you. If you feel like this is ridiculous, it is! Allow yourself to chuckle and have a sense of humor about it.

    Body Awareness

    Turn your attention to what you are feeling in each part if your body. Are your muscles tightening? Can you feel your fingers and toes? What happens if you try to wiggle them? Does the sensation change as you continue to breathe in long inhalations and exhalations? Whatever you are feeling, try to let it happen without resistance.

    —

    What I learned from my experience was a lesson I will not soon forget: I only found my inner strength when I stopped trying to fight.

    Panic gains momentum from the energy we put into fighting it, and the fact is, we don’t always need to fight it. Life happens to you and me as it happens to all people, whether we are ready for it or not, and all we really need to do is be open to experiencing it one moment at a time.

  • Make Time for Yourself

    Make Time for Yourself

    Make Time for Yourself

    Source: Positive and Inspirational Quotes

  • How to Be Who You Really Are, Beyond Your Ego and Fears

    How to Be Who You Really Are, Beyond Your Ego and Fears

    Shadow

    “Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it.”~ Eckhart Tolle

    For much of my life, I was ashamed of how my classmates perceived me in my youth.

    My chagrin and regret began in the spring of my senior year in high school when I opened our yearbook for the first time.

    The seniors got center stage in the yearbook, as usual, with a big picture of each of us along with a four-year list of our activities and awards. I was proud of my list of five sports, especially my letters in wrestling and football and my participation in the choir and the boy’s quartet.

    Next to each senior’s picture there was also a short, affectionate phrase describing the essence of the person.

    Judy Johnson: Dainty and neat from head to feet.

    Clayton Thomas: To be liked by all in this age and day is the highest compliment we can pay.

    Anna Mae Westphal: Who could ask for anything more?

    Ah, my best friend, Don Denkinger: Never a dull moment.

    I turn to Gary Stokes, and there I am in my gray flannel suit, shirt, and tie. I am not smiling in my picture, but gazing off stoically into what?—my future, perhaps. My descriptive phrase: Reserved pessimist.

    It was the only negative description in the senior pictures. Of course I checked to make sure. One negative description embedded with 124 positive descriptions.

    I Wonder Who I Am

    I was angry with the yearbook editor, a long-time classmate and neighbor. Maybe she had not written my description, but she approved of it. So did the faculty sponsor.

    I was embarrassed but never complained to them. Instead, I held a grudge against them and sustained it well into adulthood.

    I mulled over those two words for years.

    Reserved. Pessimist.

    Maybe this was the first of the many challenges to my ego that I would encounter over the next few decades, challenges that would help me learn, develop, and become my true self—a magical being.

    But at eighteen, I couldn’t figure it out.

    Was I reserved? I didn’t see it. I had friends. I liked most people. I had a beautiful, brilliant girlfriend who would very soon be my wife when we ran away and got married six months after high school graduation. My read on myself was that I was an ordinary, friendly guy.

    Was I a pessimist? This appellation was even harder to figure out. I didn’t worry about the future. I didn’t think things would turn out badly.

    I examined myself, but I couldn’t see any reserve or any pessimism.

    I finally concluded that someone on the yearbook staff didn’t like me and wanted to give me a jab. Ouch. It worked.

    So, did I discover as an adult that I am by nature reserved—difficult to know in some way—and that I am by nature pessimistic, throwing cold water on hopes about how people or things will turn out?

    The Yearbook Signaled the Need for Some Introspection

    I would eventually have to face some pretty negative things about myself.

    In several marriages I would discover that I had built up some armor around my lack of self-esteem.

    I was the most well defended person she had ever met, one of my wives told me.

    I wasn’t able to admit my fears, so I hid behind a mask of supreme confidence. Some, no doubt, experienced me as reserved, difficult to know.

    To boost my own ego, I was often critical of others. I became expert at dissecting the personalities and faults of those around me. In spite of the fact that I was a successful national leader in my field, I needed to assert my superiority continuously.

    Those closest to me may have heard my criticisms as expressing a fundamental pessimism about the lives of my fellow human beings. At times they objected to my criticisms. I countered that I was merely describing others accurately.

    In other words, I was a real human being and also a false human being—a complicated mix of ego and authenticity made up of love, passion, vision, competitiveness, cockiness, self-pity, and victimhood.

    If there had been a mid-life yearbook, the summary next to my picture might have been “He may be a warrior, but he still makes mistakes.”

    I Learn That I Am, and We All Are, Magical Beings

    Over time, I was able to see the magical being behind my fears and ego disguises and able to see the magical being that everyone else is as well. How are we magical beings?

    • Each of us is a perceptual dynamo, our bodies a master work of sensitivity, able to examine our lives, learn, change, and emerge into our full powers.
    • We are the most conscious beings in the universe, as far as we know, the only creatures able to explore the cosmos, peer back into its origins, and begin to explain how it works.
    • We are the only creatures who can laugh at ourselves, create comedies for each other, and find delight in almost anything.
    • We are able to love, each of us able to nurture other human beings, able to intuit and imagine the needs of others and to create the support and understanding they need for emergence.

    Ah, I am a magical being and so are you.

    How to Become a Magical Being

    My journey from reserved pessimist to magical being has been full of detours, bad maps, accidents, and late arrivals.

    But it has also been a journey of discovery, wonderful surprises, breakthroughs, and heavenly destinations.

    Looking back on my discovery that we are all magical beings, I see these key milestones in my learning. If you’re also feeling disconnected from who you really are, these steps may help.

    1. Identify and confront the fears behind your front.

    My long-term fear: I was afraid that I couldn’t be loved, that somehow I wasn’t likable enough and attractive enough. Didn’t my yearbook spot this problem early? Didn’t my recent divorce provide more evidence?

    I devoted every day to stalking my fears. Instead of avoiding them, as I had always done, I sought out opportunities to confront them, test myself, and learn. It was an exciting time, as I opened myself to intimate relationships in a new way. I gave love without worrying about it being returned and I saw that there was nothing to fear.

    One joyous day I realized that I was no longer afraid of anything. That day my love of life flowed without reserve.

    You can overcome your fears. They are phantoms and will evaporate with your scrutiny. Muster your courage, identify them, go looking for them every day, and confront them. You will discover that your fears were simply bad explanations for what is going on.

    2. Acknowledge self-pity and victimhood.

    I was still vulnerable to having my self-importance pricked by others. Hiding below my ego’s need to be respected, I saw my self-pity.

    My victim stories always followed a pattern—criticizing the person who had challenged me in some way.

    With the help of a loved one, I stalked my self-pity like a warrior hunter until I exposed my ego for what it was—a false self. And then I laughed, full of optimism about life without pretense.

    Notice how the ego gets angry, irritated, and resentful, always creating the bad explanation that someone or something outside yourself is creating your life. Dump the ego and fly free. You’re a magical being capable of creating the emotions you want to feel.

    3. Learn how to sustain poise, no matter what challenges face you.

    I discovered that my full powers are available only when I am present, connected, grateful, creative, and light hearted. Poise is the state of consciousness I choose every moment.

    Poised, I live a vibrant life of joy and practical advantage.

    In your magical state, you can transform every challenge into opportunity, adventure, and valuable learning. Welcome the challenges, embrace them, and say yes to them. Remember, magical beings are creative dynamos.

    The Reserved Pessimist Wasn’t Real

    Had my high school yearbook writers been more prescient about me than they were, they might have said: “He doesn’t know it yet, but he is a magical being.”

    We all are.

    Photo by rohit gowaikar

  • 10 Ways to Make the World a Nicer Place

    10 Ways to Make the World a Nicer Place

    Kind Kid

    “There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept responsibility for changing them.” ~Denis Waitley  

    I was spending some time with my nephews not too long ago. This is one of my favorite things to do because we have a lot of fun together. They’re silly and loving and inquisitive, and it’s easy to make them laugh.

    Spending time with them reminds me that fun and laughter should be a part of my everyday life, and also makes me feel like a kid again.

    When we were together that day, I asked them what they want to be when they grow up. My five-year-old nephew said, “I want to be a police so I can make the world a nicer place for everyone.”

    I thought that was just about the sweetest and cutest thing he could possibly say, even though the thought of him becoming a police officer made me nervous. Why couldn’t he choose something safer?

    Over the next few days, I couldn’t get that conversation out of my head because I realized that I don’t want him, as a five-year-old, taking on the responsibility of making the world a nicer place.

    I want him to be focused on having fun and making friends and learning new things in school. I don’t think any child should have to worry about that.

    I started thinking about the actions I could take to make the world a nicer place so that he can experience that right now. Many of us are already doing things that have a positive impact on the world, but we don’t always recognize or acknowledge them.

    We can all make a difference by doing these simple actions more frequently and accepting the responsibility for a nicer world as our own.

    1. Smile at others.

    Smiling makes others feel good when they see us doing it and it makes us feel good, too. It allows us to feel connected to other people, and this improves all of our moods. When I smile at people in the store and I get smiles in return, I notice that I get an immediate mood boost.

    2. Make eye contact with people.

    Many times we look at the ground or our phones instead of acknowledging the people around us. We avoid talking to people in line with us at the grocery store, and we act like we don’t see other people when we pass by them on the street. When we make eye contact instead of ignoring people, we make them feel seen and worthy of our attention—something we all want and appreciate.

    3. Take care of our environment.

    We all want to live in a clean and beautiful environment. The first step is to recycle and take care of our resources instead of being wasteful. Doing this ensures we leave our children a world they can take pride in and enjoy comfortably.

    4. Compliment other people.

    It’s important that we tell others how they make a difference in our lives and that we see all the amazing things they do. We can make a tremendous difference in their lives by sharing our gratitude instead of just thinking about it. I make an effort to compliment others about their work and let them know how important they are to me because I know that everyone wants to know that they matter.

    5. Be positive.

    Everyone benefits when we stop complaining and find the positive instead of focusing on the negative. We can make life easier for ourselves, and the people around us, if we stop worrying about the worst-case scenarios and try to make the best of our situations. When we cultivate a positive mindset, we not only feel more positive, we’re also more likely to create more positive circumstances.

    6. Help others.

    We often help others expecting something in return, but this can lead to disappointment and resentment. The alternative is to help others, especially those who are struggling, simply because we want to live in a world where people look out for each other.

    7. Be kinder to ourselves.

    Forgiving ourselves for any mistakes we make is much kinder than always mentally beating ourselves up, and being kind to ourselves is crucial if we want the world to be a nicer place. When we’re kind and caring to ourselves, we’re more open to kindness from others and more likely to treat others well.

    8. Stay mindful in the present moment.

    If we stop dwelling on things that have happened in the past and worrying about what might happen in the future, we’ll be able to experience all of the wonderful things that are happening in the present. When my mind wanders, I bring myself back to the now with three deep breaths. Mindfulness is a powerful way to increase our happiness, and that can have a massive ripple effect on the world around us.

    9. Express gratitude daily.

    Acknowledging all of the amazing things that we have happened to us puts us in a positive mindset, and it also provides us with the opportunity to thank others for all they’ve done. I practice gratitude daily by recording at least three things that I’m grateful for at the end of the night, and I’ve noticed it makes a tremendous difference in my mood and my relationships.

    10. Have fun!

    A lot of times we make situations out to be more much more serious than they need to be and we forget to actually let go and have fun. Let’s make sure that enjoying life is a priority so that we can actually take advantage of living in a nicer world!

    Photo by Juhan Sonin

  • What a Wise Person Knows

    What a Wise Person Knows

    What a Wise Person Knows

    Source

  • Let Go of “I Can’t…” and Go After What You Want

    Let Go of “I Can’t…” and Go After What You Want

    Happy and Free

    “It always seems impossible until it’s done.” ~Nelson Mandela

    Do you wish your circumstances in life were different? Have you reconciled yourself to accept that you can’t achieve your goals? Do you think it would be nice to travel, but you don’t think you can afford it?

    It’s time to change your mindset and learn how to take control of your own life.

    Think Like a Child

    Children don’t like to accept “no” for an answer. They question every refusal. “But why not?” they ask.

    “Because we can’t afford it” is not an acceptable answer to a child. That has no real meaning to him.

    A couple of years ago, my son set his heart on a gaming computer. That’s a souped-up, fancy, faster, better, very expensive desktop PC. The price on these things start at over $1,000.

    I explained it was out of the question, not in the realm of possibility for us at my income level. But he wouldn’t let it go. He wouldn’t accept that we couldn’t afford one. He had to find a way. He kept coming up with ideas and “what ifs.”

    What if his grandparents and everyone we know who buys him birthday and Christmas presents put all their money together to buy the gaming computer?

    Well, that still wouldn’t be enough money, but the more intelligent his suggestions became, the more I started to take them seriously. Maybe he’s onto something here. We sat down to brainstorm and write down ideas of how we could actually make this happen.

    And we did make it happen! We asked my ex if he would contribute to the new computer, and he agreed to help. My son asked for cash only from family members for his birthday and Christmas. The ex found a friend who could build a computer for our son, and we ordered the parts from Amazon.

    We ended up getting a sleek and beautiful, powerful gaming computer worth about $1,500, but it only cost me $400.

    A few months later, my daughter shared her monumental dream of going to Paris. Having just learned the above lesson from my son, I refrained from saying, “No possible way! We can’t afford it.”

    Instead of dismissing the idea as unrealistic or out of the question, I thought about it seriously and came up with a plan to save from my tax refund over the next several years. My daughter will be asking grandparents for cash gifts for her coming birthdays during that time span as well.

    We began this plan right after she turned thirteen, and our goal is to visit Paris by the time she is seventeen.

    Develop a Plan 

    What do you want out of life? Is there something you want to achieve that you think is out of your reach?

    First, change your mindset. Instead of dismissing your dream as unrealistic or too big, ask yourself what it would take to accomplish it. Don’t dismiss your dreams; think how you can make them happen!

    Brainstorm with friends or family. Sometimes they will have different ideas you may not have thought of. Anyone who is not helpful or tries to tell you that you can’t achieve your goal does not get to play!

    Develop a plan for achieving what you want in small, do-able steps. Make each step relatively easy to accomplish so you achieve success right away. That feeling of success in achieving each goal will motivate you to reach the next one.

    Too often, people fail in achieving their goals simply because they don’t develop a do-able plan like this to help them succeed.

    Do you want to earn a degree, lose twenty pounds, move to a nicer place, or organize your house? Develop your plan to begin your process of getting there!

    For example, instead of the vague idea of losing twenty pounds, come up with a plan to set several smaller steps that you can reach easily.

    You could start with the first step something like committing to exercise for twenty minutes while watching your favorite TV shows only three days a week. Or walk the dog ten minutes longer each day. Something that makes sense for you with your own lifestyle that will be easy for you to succeed.

    Then when you get that step down, go to your next step which could be eating a healthy salad for lunch three days a week or drink a glass of water before each meal or whatever you know will work for you to accomplish another step closer toward your ultimate goal.

    You will stay motivated as you achieve each step, and the process will be much more painless than attempting a strict diet or exercise regimen all at once.

    When New Year’s resolutions fail, it is usually because a whole lifestyle change is much more difficult to stick to than one easy positive change at a time. Be patient. Those small positive changes will lead you to achieve big goals!

    In the scenario of organizing the house, increase your chance of success by developing your plan of small, do-able steps, and then accomplish the first one. You could start with a hall closet one weekend. Your child’s left-side dresser drawers. A section of the garage.

    As you mark off each small goal successfully accomplished, you move closer toward your ultimate goal of the whole house. You’ll be much more likely to keep motivated because you will not feel too overwhelmed with those small tasks you can accomplish quickly.

    After you develop your plan and divide your goal into small, do-able steps, take that first step. Now you’ve actually started! Reach your first easy goal, and then ride on that feeling of success to accomplish the next one. You’re unstoppable! Be patient and persevere. You’ll get where you want to be!

    What dream can you make your reality by developing your plan to make it happen?

    Photo by Kara Harms

  • 10 Habits of Unhappy People (And How to Fix Them)

    10 Habits of Unhappy People (And How to Fix Them)

    “Ego says, ‘Once everything falls into place, I’ll feel peace.’ Spirit says, ‘Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place.’” ~Marianne Williamson

    Have you ever felt that something was missing in your life?

    Who am I kidding, everyone has.

    I used to be unhappy. But not just unhappy—miserable.

    I’d look at other people and wonder what they had that I didn’t. I was sick of living my life. And being sick of it was the tipping point that changed it all. It’s what got me moving in the direction of what made my heart sing.

    As I moved forward, I discovered that what was making me miserable wasn’t outside of me, but the habits I had built up over the years.

    I’d like to share with you what those habits were, and how I overcame them.

    1. Waiting for clarity.

    I thought that in order to do what I loved and be happy, I had to know where I was going.

    Turns out that wasn’t. It was just a thought that I believed.

    When I took action despite feeling confused, and simply did my best, I discovered that I could always take one step forward, clarity or no clarity.

    It was like walking in a heavy fog. As long as I kept moving forward, more of my path revealed itself. But if I stood still, nothing would happen.

    Fix: Don’t wait for clarity. Listen to your heart and take one tiny step forward. It doesn’t have to be perfect.

    2. Seeking permission from others.

    I wanted others to tell me I was on the right track. The more I did this, the emptier I felt inside.

    Why? Because I was giving my power away. Instead of listening to my own guidance system, I was relying on someone else.

    It was confusing and disempowering.

    I’ve never had an easy time trusting life. I worry a lot. But over the years I’ve realized that trusting myself is the only way toward living a fulfilling life.

    Once I stopped trying to seek permission, or figure things out, my inner wisdom grew stronger, because it was no longer clouded by thoughts.

    Fix: Don’t look to someone else for validation for your dreams. Go after what makes you come alive. That’s enough.

    3. Hoping for future salvation.

    Another unhelpful habit I have is living in the future, thinking that reaching my goals will make me happier.

    However, I’ve noticed that once again, this is just a thought that I give power to.

    I’ve also noticed that I’ve reached plenty of goals that I thought would make me happy, but didn’t.

    Like me, you’ve probably heard the following phrase over and over again: “Happiness comes from the inside. It’s available right here, right now.”

    For a long time, I wondered, “That’s all fine and good, but how do I use that in my life?”

    The answer was to witness my thoughts and let them pass by. I don’t have to believe every thought that tells me that the future holds the key to my happiness.

    Once I let those thoughts pass, I noticed that there’s a source of joy within, always available to me.

    Fix: When you find yourself living in the future, just notice what you’re doing. Let go of the tendency and observe what’s going on. This is a practice, so don’t worry if you don’t get it perfect.

    4. Wanting to take big leaps.

    When I get caught up in thinking that the future will save me, I want to take big leaps. I want to hurry to my goal.

    Yet this behavior makes reaching my goal less likely. It introduces sloppiness into my work. It produces an aroma of selfishness.

    But, if I let things take their time, and if I let those thoughts pass, there’s a sense of peace.

    As I write this, I’m not in a hurry. I sense the wanting to finish, but I witness it. I don’t get involved. Then I return my focus to writing and letting the words flow on paper.

    And my soul smiles. My heart nods. My breath deepens.

    I remember: “This is it. This is life.”

    Fix: Big leaps assume that happiness is in the future. Take a deep breath. Notice how much happiness is available right now. No big leaps needed, just a remembering of who you are.

    5. Having faulty expectations.

    For a long time, I believed that I could eliminate negativity from my life.

    But every day does not have to be a happy day.

    Life is sometimes difficult. The problem isn’t the difficulty, but how I relate to it. If I think it shouldn’t be there, I suffer.

    Again, it comes down to my thinking. Life is as it is; my thinking creates my experience of life.

    When I notice my expectations, I can let them be. This doesn’t mean I don’t feel the sting of something I label as bad; it simply means that I don’t have to pour more gasoline on the fire.

    I can’t control life, but I can control how I use my attention.

    I don’t have to change my thoughts; just notice what’s going on and how I’m creating my experience of the present moment.

    Fix: Notice how your expectations make you unhappy. Bring your attention to this moment. Do the best you can with what you have.

    6. Taking your thoughts seriously.

    “You’re not good enough.”

    “You’ll end up homeless if you follow your heart.”

    “What will people think of you?”

    We all have thoughts that freak us out. Yet I have days when I don’t care about those thoughts.

    So what’s different between the good days and the bad days? Simply my state of being. When I feel good, my emotional immune system is more stable.

    I remember that my feelings are simply an indication of how trustworthy my thinking is. When I feel bad, it’s a sign that I need to take my thinking less seriously.

    When I feel good, that’s when I can solve problems. But often I find that problems solve themselves, if I’m willing to get out of the way.

    So what I’m repeating over and over again is the fact that it’s our thinking that makes us unhappy, not our circumstances.

    Fix: Experiment with taking your thinking less seriously for sixty seconds at a time. See what happens and how you feel.

    7. Playing things safe.

    When I push the boundaries of my comfort zone, I tend to get anxious, afraid, and worried.

    But after a while the discomfort becomes comfortable. It becomes familiar.

    What changed? My thinking.

    When I let anxious thoughts pass, eventually my thinking returns to normal. But if I try to figure things out, I prolong the “healing” process.

    I’ve realized that to be fulfilled in life, I have to grow and challenge myself. To do that, I need to step outside my comfort zone. I have to stop playing things safe.

    There are no guarantees in this world.

    All I can do is follow my heart and be aware of my thinking. That’s it. I’ll have scary thoughts, but that’s okay. I can still take one tiny step forward.

    Fix: Become aware of the fact that being outside of your comfort zone is simply believing a different set of thoughts. You can always listen to your heart, and take the next step.

    8. Focusing on lack.

    I can have wonderful relationships, do work I love, and have life go swimmingly.

    But if one thing goes wrong, and I focus on it, I make myself miserable.

    And the thing about life is that there will always be something “wrong.”

    The key to happiness isn’t to get rid of your problems, but to learn to live with them. To notice how your thinking gets you in trouble.

    This doesn’t mean I neglect problems. It means that I don’t stress over them. I solve them as well as I can, but I don’t try to force solutions.

    I’ve noticed that when I stop thinking, I allow my inner wisdom to help me. I often get solutions to problems when I’m not thinking, such as when I’m on a walk, washing dishes, meditating, or in the shower.

    I do my best and then I let go.

    Fix: Notice your tendency to focus on the thoughts that tell you something is wrong. Rest your attention in the witness of those thoughts. You are not them. You can observe them, and breathe.

    9. Resisting obstacles.

    For years, I ran away from challenges because I saw them as obstacles to getting what I want.

    And I thought getting what I wanted would make me happy.

    But then something changed: I saw that these obstacles weren’t obstacles, but stepping stones helping me follow my calling.

    Instead of remaining in the habit of resisting obstacles, I get curious. I ask myself: What can I learn from this?

    Everything seems to have a purpose.

    The more I surrender to life, the more powerful I become. And to me, this surrender simply means not trying to figure everything out, or trying to control life.

    Fix: Don’t fight life. Embrace life. Become curious about the problems in your life. Don’t rush to fix them. Let them be for a while and notice the results.

    10. Neglecting your calling.

    Perhaps the biggest obstacle to happiness is neglecting your calling.

    When I neglect my heart, my purpose, my inner wisdom, I become miserable.

    And the way I neglect my calling is through thinking too much. Thinking that something is wrong, or that I’m on the wrong track.

    When I notice this mental habit, I let it be, and I take a deep breath.

    To follow my calling, I have to let go of what I think my path looks like.

    I can’t figure out where my life is going, I can only live it one moment at a time. That’s scary to my mind, but that’s okay. I can let thoughts pass, and I can rest my attention in my heart.

    Fix: Let go of what you think your life should be, and let it become what it was meant to be. Live life one moment at a time. It’s all you can do anyway.

    —

    Happiness is not something you get, but something you are. What’s stopping you from being happy is taking your thoughts too seriously.

    You have wisdom within you, waiting to guide you. All you have to do is let go and observe how you stop yourself from accessing it.

    It’s not easy. It’s a practice. Sometimes it takes time.

    But notice that even the rush to get it right is a thought. Let it be.

    Do your best.

    Follow your heart.

    And remember to breathe.