Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • How to Make Ordinary Relationships Extraordinary

    How to Make Ordinary Relationships Extraordinary

    Happy Couple

    “In the end, who among us does not choose to be a little less right to be a little less lonely.” ~Robert Braul

    I’ve been married to my wife for almost ten years, most of them involving struggle and drama.

    I had two failed marriages before that.

    This qualifies me to give relationship advice because, well, let’s just say I’ve made every mistake someone could possibly make while attempting to be in a relationship, so I’ve definitely figured out how not to do it.

    Blunders, confusion, and oversights, not to mention abject failures, have bludgeoned me into a few realizations—the most important one was that being a self-absorbed, insensitive jerk wasn’t exactly working for either one of us.

    For so many years, the best relationship I can remember having was with my dog.

    The thing is, watching Beauregard chase sticks, or sitting on the couch together watching football while he scratched himself behind the ear, was hardly going to be the next best-selling romance novel.

    Don’t get me wrong; it wasn’t terrible. I mean, my wife Jeannie and I have never fought very much, but there was always an undercurrent of dissatisfaction and frustration.

    It wasn’t terrible, but then again, it wasn’t great either.

    Shouldn’t it be great?

    Almost ten years into my third marriage, I decided that’s it’s never too late to take responsibility and be the catalyst for change.

    My wife is a sensitive, caring, nurturing woman who loves her children and, I believe, loves me.

    And I love her. I’m a devoted, faithful husband. So what was the problem?

    Well, we had begun moving in our own little worlds. Together but separate. Our own interests and separate friends. We’d pass each other in the hallway occasionally.

    Taking her for granted just snuck up on me. She deserved better, and I knew it.

    Looking back, I can’t believe the amount of resentment and heartache I put her through, yet there she was almost ten years later—despite the frustration and bitterness, she was hanging in there with never a thought of giving up.

    Then I had an epiphany.

    If I were going to have the kind of extraordinary, fulfilling relationship with my wife that I knew we were capable of and deserved, I’d have to bring some focus and intention to the situation.

    How to Become the Partner Your Significant Other Deserves

    Bringing her flowers or cooking him his favorite steak dinner once every six months is kind of like putting a Band-Aid on a broken leg. It’s a nice gesture, but ultimately it won’t fix the problem.

    No, I decided to take a more fundamental approach—changing my attitudes and behaviors so as to create a different paradigm to work from.

    Here are the changes that had the greatest impact on transforming our relationship.

    Give in once in a while (even if you think you’re right).

    Picking your battles can relieve a lot of pressure. It dawned on me that I just didn’t need to be right about everything.

    I stopped digging my heels in and standing my ground about things that didn’t make that much difference in the first place.

    Sure, I still needed to set my boundaries, but now I make certain it’s something that’s truly worth fighting for. I found that most of the things we were getting upset over really weren’t that important for me to be right about.

    I found that if you can just let go and give up your addiction to being right all the time, things will smooth out substantially.

    You know the old saying. “Would you rather be right or happy?”

    Forgive yourself.

    Sometimes I feel like a mistake machine waiting to be turned up to nine on the screw-up-o-meter.

    We all charge off in the wrong direction occasionally, but some of the rock-headed things I’ve managed to pull off have been world class!

    I concluded that the only way to feel good about myself was to forgive myself.

    Once you’ve forgiven yourself, you can then ask your partner to forgive you. This will allow for a fresh start, and you can begin relating to each other in a more open and loving way.

    Tell the truth (but maybe not every fact down to the smallest detail).

    Being honest and forthright is the only way forward.

    I’ve always been faithful, and I’ve been honest about the big stuff.

    It was the $100 power drill purchase or the traffic ticket for sliding through the stop sign that I’d sweep under the table occasionally.

    I’ve learned that it’s about integrity and how you feel about yourself.

    Now I try to be open and aboveboard about everything I do. Even if I think it’s trivial and unimportant.

    That being said, its best to be more sensitive to your partner’s feelings by not needing to share every detail about things in the past that have no bearing on the present or future.

    For instance, things like the intimate details of prior relationships.

    (There is a big difference between being open and honest and insensitively over-sharing.)

    Practice random kindness and generosity.

    I know I mentioned earlier about how bringing her flowers or cooking him a nice dinner was just a Band-Aid.

    Be that as it may, I’ve found that occasionally surprising your partner with something great can move the needle toward extraordinary quite quickly.

    It doesn’t have to be anything expensive. (Or, it could be if it makes financial sense.) Just do something nice.

    You know your partner, so you know what that thing is.

    You’ll be amazed at how good it will make you feel to do something nice for somebody just because that person is your best friend, and they deserve it.

    The reaction you get just might be extraordinary

    Giving your all is the key.

    It can be very frustrating to feel that you’ve given your all to a relationship and not gotten as much (or anything) in return.

    It’s been my experience that you can’t change or “fix” the other person unless that person really wants to change. But if you can stay in good communication with your partner, make sure your boundaries are set, and most importantly (if the relationship is important to you), don’t give up, there is an excellent chance your partner will sooner or later have an epiphany like mine.

    This is what Jeannie did, and it’s one of the main things that eventually led to me waking up like I did.

    The most important realization was that I needed to give much more to the relationship than I had been giving.

    It’s Never Too Late

    Every relationship is different, but I believe that if you practice the above advice, as well as maintain good-quality two-way communication, your relationship will move from ordinary to extraordinary.

    All that’s required is a little focus and intention.

    Jeannie and I could have muddled along the way we were, and things would have been okay, but I chose to make an effort to make it extraordinary.

    What about you?

    Embracing couple image via Shutterstock

  • The Best Way to Be Happy with Someone

    The Best Way to Be Happy with Someone

    The Best Way to Be Happy with Someone

    Source: Positive Outlooks

  • The Secret to Happiness

    The Secret to Happiness

    The Secret to Happiness

    Source: Personal Excellence

  • Why People Who Bring Enough to Share Are Happier

    Why People Who Bring Enough to Share Are Happier

    Girls Sharing

    “Joy comes not through possession or ownership but through a wise and loving heart.” ~Buddha

    We all have these random little personal philosophies or rules that we live by. Oftentimes, these rules are hidden beneath the surface, not in a form that we are aware of or is easily expressible.

    But I do have one particular “random little personal philosophy” that I live by (and am aware of!) and would like to explore further. It is my philosophy of tipping.

    This philosophy of tipping was thought up specifically with reference to tipping, say, in restaurants, but can easily be generalized. Here is the original formulation:

    I cannot afford to eat at this restaurant if I cannot also afford to give a large tip.

    Now, this doesn’t mean I need to give a huge tip each time—I just need to be willing to in advance.

    So, if I’m going to a restaurant where I know a decent meal will cost $20, I will commit before going in that I am willing to spend closer to $30. Generally, the tip will be fairly typical—about 20% for a good job—but the actual magnitude isn’t the point.

    What matters in this case is that I consider a large tip to actually be a part of the cost of the meal already. Of course, the tip is part of the cost of a meal, but I don’t think most people look at it that way.

    Rather, most people think of the menu price as the cost, and the tip is this annoying extra that you have to pay at the end. I’ve had friends who go out to eat with me, order whatever they want off the menu, and then find that they don’t have enough cash to pay for a tip at all.

    In my case, if I didn’t have the money available to give a sizable tip, I wouldn’t even make it inside the restaurant. After all, that would mean I couldn’t afford it.

    This may sound like a very simple life philosophy, and one that hardly seems worth reading about (let alone writing about). But the implications, when the principle is taken to its logical conclusion, are far more significant. Let’s generalize it now:

    If I am not willing to share something, I shouldn’t get it in the first place.

    Please, do not take this to be a legitimate moral or economic principle—it is pure and simply a life philosophy, or a heuristic for making choices in my own life. Your property is your own and you are certainly not an immoral person if you don’t share, but you may very well be happier if you do.

    A major benefit of all this is its fiscal sensibility. While you may end up spending more on tips and getting extras of certain things in order to share, you will ultimately end up being more careful with your finances and use your money less.

    This sort of mindset makes you far more likely to have a potluck with friends than to go out to eat, or to save money rather than spend it.

    But once you’ve really internalized the idea, you’ll also find yourself experiencing a significant happiness boost. Why? Because giving feels good. Being kind feels good. And sharing positive experiences with others feels good.

    Ultimately, it involves spending more time and money on others and less on yourself. You certainly shouldn’t be neglecting your own needs and desires. But when you do nice things for yourself, make sure you have a little extra so somebody else can enjoy it with you.

    Okay, great. So how does this work in practice?

    As a whiskey lover, I consider it a nice treat to drink a delicious, high quality whiskey. Jameson may be perfectly fine most of the time, but I like to have Johnny Walker Black Label around for special occasions.

    Unfortunately, JW Black is pretty expensive—it would be very easy for me to hoard it and not let other people drink any. Instead, I drink it primarily when I have close friends around. It’s a vastly better experience when shared!

    The nature of the material possessions that I tend to purchase is similar; I try to buy things that have more sharing potential. Most of my possessions at this point are books and DVDs, both of which I am routinely lending out to others or enjoying with them.

    Predictably, this lends itself to a more “simple” lifestyle. I buy a lot less than I could, but the things I do own have a high return on investment with regards to my happiness.

    A big part of this philosophy, though, is to share with strangers. If you are going out for a night of drinks in the city, throw an extra few singles in your pocket to give to the homeless people in the area. If you can’t afford $5 to give to five homeless people, then you can’t afford the $50-100 it would take to go out.

    It’s not just about money, either. The same principle can apply to the way you use your time.

    If you can afford to play video games all day Saturday, then you can spend an hour of that time volunteering at a soup kitchen or helping a friend move. In fact, studies have shown that spending time on others makes you feel as though you have more time available…cool!

    As with most areas in life, it is hard to apply a philosophy like this perfectly, but that’s not the point. I’m far from perfect with this, but even so, I’ve derived great benefits from focusing on this principle, and you can too.

    Friends sharing image via Shutterstock

  • 20 Tiny Changes That Can Completely Overhaul Your Life

    20 Tiny Changes That Can Completely Overhaul Your Life

    “It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.” ~Proverb

    Ever felt down in the dumps, absolutely sure that you wanted to transform your life but no idea where to start?

    About three years back I stood at that intersection.

    I’d spent years earning one advanced degree after another, until I landed myself a job that paid well but the stress level was so high that I had little room for anything else.

    I’d married a wonderful guy whom I’d fallen crazily in love with, but our relationship had slowly, almost without our knowledge, spiraled downward until it seemed like all we felt toward each other was anger and disdain.

    After years of trying, we had a beautiful little girl, but she has such a strong-willed, determined personality that we clashed on a daily, sometimes hourly basis, and I was ready to pull my hair out.

    Every moment at home, someone was yelling, sulking, or seething.

    Something had to change. I wanted to make things better. More peaceful. More “normal.”

    Except, I had no clue where to start. Or what to do. Or how to make the transformation that I so wanted.

    I started trying anything and everything. A few things stuck. Many didn’t.

    Slowly, a pattern started to emerge: Big, massive, overzealous changes almost always backfired and led to disillusionment and disappointment. Small, tiny shifts in attitude, on the other hand, had a huge cumulative impact.

    I still remember one period where I’d decided to not yell at my daughter, no matter what. I’d decided to become a positive parent and as such, be supportive all the time.

    If you’re a parent, you know how this is going to end.

    I managed to hold it in for all of three days or so. And then, suddenly, on some minor provocation, I let loose. All the dammed up irritation and frustration just came flooding out, while my daughter stared at me in utter shock and fear.

    This wasn’t how it was supposed to go! I actually felt worse now than earlier!

    I didn’t want to give up. So I kept trying.

    As one attempt after other failed, I got more and more disheartened.

    Finally, almost in desperation, I decided to focus on something else entirely—since I seemed incapable of not yelling, maybe, I thought, I can figure out why my daughter behaves a certain way and then try to prevent that situation altogether.

    Suddenly, something magical happened.

    The more I stepped into her shoes, the more I understood why she acted like she did. And the more I understood her reasons, the less I felt the need to yell.

    For instance, she wasn’t just defying me when she refused to wear a jacket—her toddler brain just couldn’t grasp that it was cold outside.

    So instead of asking her to wear the jacket while we were still at home, where it was warm and cozy, I’d wait until we got out and the cold draft hit her before asking her to wear the jacket. And most of the time, it worked!

    It was as if I had deciphered a secret code.

    Now, instead of trying to stop yelling, I started to make a conscious attempt to understand her a little more, and with each little effort, I was automatically yelling a little less.

    And you know the best part?

    Quite without our knowledge, the relationship between my husband and me started to change, as well. I was suddenly snapping and yelling at him a whole lot less, too. And in turn, he started being kinder, gentler, and more the person I had fallen in love with.

    Even in the dog-eat-dog culture that was rampant at my then workplace, people responded with reciprocal kindness and goodwill. And I, in turn, found it a whole lot easier to be a better co-worker.

    It was a beautiful, virtuous circle.

    It’s been three years now. I’ve been focusing on making more and more of these small, tiny changes and they have been paying off big time. Our home is a whole lot more peaceful. We enjoy each other’s company a lot. My relationship with friends is richer. Life is good.

    I still have ways to go, but the change, the transformation that I was seeking, is happening.

    Toward the end of last year, in a moment of quiet reflection, I listed some of the small shifts in attitude that have helped me so, and others that I seek to practice in the New Year.

    I’m sharing them with you here in the hopes that they may help you make the transformation you might be seeking.

    1. Less Anger, More Understanding

    When we can understand why the other person acts the way they do—whether they are three years old or thirty—the need to yell automatically starts to diminish.

    2. Less Complaining, More Gratitude

    When we look at all the wonderful things in life, the things that don’t go well start to seem trivial.

    3. Less Blame, More Guidance

    When we get hurt, it is instinctive to want to make the other person “pay,” but if we can guide the person to fix the situation, things are more likely to get better sooner.

    4. Less Judgment, More Wonder

    We are all unique, different, and a wee bit crazy in our own way. The best way to counter the urge to be judgmental is to cultivate a sense of wonder at each person’s uniqueness.

    5. Less Resistance, More Acceptance

    The more we resist something, the more it persists. The more we accept it, the less it bothers us.

    6. Less Shame, More Vulnerability

    Shame is a deep-seated fear that we are not enough. Yet, it’s a fact that none of us is perfect. When we accept the imperfection and embrace it, the tight grip of shame starts to loosen up.

    7. Less Fear, More Action

    We cannot reason with fear, especially the irrational one that stays in the head. The best way to make change happen is to take action and keep moving forward.

    8. Less Comparison, More Contentment

    Our life seems like a drag when we compare our “behind-the-scenes” with the highlight reel of someone else’s life. Focusing on contentment kills the need to try to keep up with the Joneses.

    9. Less Will Power, More Habits

    It’s scientifically proven that we have a limited supply of will power, and the more we exert it, the less we have for future use. So whenever possible, turn things into habit, limiting the need to use will power.

    10. Less Guilt, More Communication

    We all make mistakes. Communicating how badly we feel and figuring out how to fix things will keep guilt from gnawing away at our happiness.

    11. Less Obsessing, More Balance

    Embrace all shades between black or white, and the need to obsess on the extremes starts to shrink. Particularly helpful for recovering perfectionists like me!

    12. Less Competition, More Cooperation

    Come at things from a place of abundance and seek intentionally to cooperate, and the fear of competition starts to melt right away.

    13. Less Stress, More Fun

    If there is one thing we can learn from kids, it is to have fun. Ever notice how few kids are actually stressed?

    14. Less Greed, More Generosity

    Finding joy in giving is the perfect antidote for a case of the gimmes.

    15. Less Distraction, More Rest

    Seriously, make getting a fixed number of hours of sleep each night a priority, and distractions like social media and television will automatically stop killing productivity.

    16. Less Bitterness, More Forgiveness

    Bitterness only hurts the person carrying it. Forgive those who hurt us and move on.

    17. Less Control, More Flow

    Some things are simply out of our control. Learning to go with the flow helps tone down the urge to control.

    18. Less Stubbornness, More Openness

    What if we are wrong some times? Being open to accepting failure and constantly learning makes life so much simpler and beautiful.

    19. Less Expectation, More Patience

    Start small by delaying gratification with little things. As we learn to be more patient, our expectations of how/when things should turn out start to relax as well.

    20. Less Ego, More Humility

    Easier said than done, but the more easily we can say “sorry” and “thank you” (and really mean it), the less hold ego has on our life.

    —

    What has your experience been? Have you also experienced that small, tiny shifts in attitude can result in huge transformations? What are some of the small changes you’ve made that have resulted in a life overhaul?

  • Connecting with Your Peaceful Self to Overcome Fears and Worries

    Connecting with Your Peaceful Self to Overcome Fears and Worries

    Man with palm tree

    “Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.” ~Unknown

    It was an ordinary school morning in a busy European city. I seem to recall it was spring, as my memories store the feeling of awakening after a long winter.

    I was seventeen and getting ready to go to school. Following my standard morning routine, which included eating my meticulously assembled breakfast, I walked to the tram station.

    The city I lived in at the time was situated in a beautiful valley, and the tram ride offered a trip to the hub of the city. My high school was downtown in the historical part of the town.

    I loved walking to the tram and even more, I enjoyed walking from my final tram station to school.

    There was something different about walking in the middle of old buildings that always gave me the feel of spaciousness, grace, and often mystery. It was such a striking contrast from the modern and mundane apartment buildings in the newly built subdivision where I lived!

    The city transport experienced some chaos that morning, as the typical short wait time between trams turned into almost a half hour.

    My tram station was really crowded, and I felt lucky I got in. As I stood in the tram that spring morning, looking outside the windows and barely noticing the grey high-rise buildings, little did I realize what this morning would bring for me.

    It seemed like an unusually busy day, and because of the delay, every tram stop had a huge crowd waiting at the platform.

    After five or six stops, the tram was packed like a can of sardines. I watched people at the stops nervously looking toward us, “the lucky ones inside,” as they likely contemplated how late they would be for school or work today.

    I really wished this ride would be over soon.

    The tram started moving toward the downtown area. It is quite a steep hill downward into the valley. This stretch of the ride was the most fascinating for me, as the green area framing my view just zoomed by like a wide line painted by a massive paintbrush.

    I felt lucky to be by the window and having breathing space in front of me instead being squeezed in the middle of the crowd.

    The green space, however, moved incredibly fast this morning, as if it was just flying by. Then I registered a sudden jolt.

    After that, it was very quiet. In the midst of this silence, all of sudden I heard a voice asking for help. It sounded quite frightened as it repeatedly asked, “Please help.” Who is saying this? I wondered.

    If you ever experienced no connection to the concept of time, this was it. After I heard the same voice a few more times, I came to a surprising realization. It was mine.

    This voice was coming from my body, yet I felt I was a completely peaceful self, compassionately watching someone who was frightened.

    Later on I realized the tram derailed and flipped sideways. I was saved and physically unharmed because I was on the “lucky” side of the tram.

    I continued the journey called life, but something unlocked inside me. In fact, I was “haunted” for years by the experience of my “peaceful self,” which had listened to my scared physical self.

    Needless to say, I continued to live my life for a few decades very often identified with my scared physical self but always wondering about my peaceful self.

    Who am I really? Who was the part of me that heard my voice?

    Fast forward many years, I encountered the presence of my peaceful self once again. Luckily, this time it wasn’t in an accident.

    After years of hard work establishing myself as an immigrant, learning a new language, and creating financial stability, I decided to end my job and step into unknown and uncertainty. I didn’t know how I was going to earn money; I just knew what I did before wasn’t part of my life’s purpose.

    My body shriveled with fear. My mind was racing with thoughts about my bleak future and losing everything I had ever worked for. Not only that, but this could have meant I wouldn’t be able to help family members that I had previously helped out financially.

    I remember it was a bright sunny day and I was in the office with my boss. The glass windows in the corner of the building surrounded us and lit up the space.

    I felt I was bathing in light. I was literally not able to speak. My mind kept saying: You can’t do this! And then it happened again. I heard a shaky voice saying: I decided to quit.

    Have you ever felt your chest opening up? In this moment, I felt as if a cave opened inside my heart. A wave of calm spread through my body. My peaceful self was there, watching and observing my scared self. I cried tears of relief.

    These days, I don’t even question my peaceful self. I just trust it’s with me everywhere, holding its arm around my shoulders and whispering: Trust. You are going to be okay

    And as I embarked on a life time journey of meditation reconnecting with that peaceful part of myself, I repeatedly remind myself that I am simply able to watch my frightened physical self.

    And so can you.

    Whenever you feel stuck in life and full of fear or desperation, remember that the big, real part of you is simply the peaceful observer that can watch the physical self. It can watch the fear, sadness, or anything that arises inside you. And it will watch it with love and compassion.

    We often experience pain when we associate with our thoughts and believe that we are our mind and our emotions.

    Do you have a thought that frightens or worries you right now? Simply say to yourself that you are noticing that thought. Say it at least five times until it feels more and more distant. Now you are coming much closer to being your peaceful self.

    My reconnection with my peaceful self brought so much more freedom to my life, and I believe it will bring freedom to your life too. Visualize it holding its arm around your shoulders and telling you: Trust. You are going to be okay.

    Man with palm tree image via Shutterstock

  • How to Listen to Your Body (and Become Happy Again)

    How to Listen to Your Body (and Become Happy Again)

    “Keeping your body healthy is an expression of gratitude to the whole cosmos—the trees, the clouds, everything.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    It’s embarrassing, isn’t it?

    You don’t want to make a fuss about tiny health annoyances.

    But you feel lethargic for no apparent reason. You get constipated, especially when you travel. You have difficulty sleeping.  And your hormones are all over the place.  You hold onto that niggly five or ten pounds like your life depends on it.

    Sound familiar? I’ve been there too.

    I was working at a dream job and living on the French Riveria. I was paid a lot of money to help Fortune 500 Companies with their IT strategies.

    I worked in cities like Paris, Dublin, London, and Manchester during the week, staying in luxury hotels and flying to my home in Nice on weekends. We partied like rock stars on the beaches, and in exclusive clubs and glamorous villas. At twenty-nine, I was a management-level executive on the cusp of becoming a partner.

    Meanwhile, my body wasn’t happy. I was chronically tired. I slept poorly. And despite daily exercise and yoga, I couldn’t figure out my weight gain.  

    I tried the radical Master Cleanse—drinking lemon juice and maple syrup for a week. But the extra weight would creep back.

    My hormones went crazy. When I stopped birth control pills, my menstrual cycles stopped. I wasn’t sure if that was the reason for my blotchy skin and depression. And the worst part was my mood. I wasn’t happy, despite all the glitzy outside trappings.

    The One Thing Most People Never Learn To Do

    Then I did something most people never learn to do: I listened.

    I felt great after practicing yoga. I took a baby step: I practiced more yoga and eventually attended teacher training sessions. Fast-forward a couple years….

    I quit my job, packed my belongings, and moved to a yoga retreat center in Thailand. The move felt natural and organic.

    I lived simply in a tiny bungalow and taught yoga retreats to tourists. And my health improved. I was sleeping well. My periods eventually returned. I felt better and better, and my sparkle returned too.

    The first and most important step is to stop and listen. Your body and mind are intimately connected. Listen to your body and you’ll learn a ton. Start with tiny steps and you’ll reach your pot of gold quicker than you’d expect.

    You can do this.

    You’d think doing so would be impossible, but it’s not. I’ll tell you how.

    But first, let’s look at three core principles that could save you.

    Don’t Make This Monumental Mistake

    Most people ignore their small but annoying health issues. Nothing about your health is inconsequential. Everything matters. Your digestion. Your ability to lose belly fat. Your bowel movements.

    You’re not alone if you want to run screaming and bury your head in the sand. How about changing your mindset?

    Rather than categorizing what is wrong with you, notice how your body throws you clues. For example, you aren’t going to the bathroom every day. Usually for a very simple reason—lack of dietary fiber. Try adding an apple and ground flax to your breakfast and see what happens.

    The Alarming Truth About Stress

    It can make or break your healthiest intentions. When we perceive danger, stress is our body’s natural response.

    For cave people, stress came when a lion was about to pounce; we needed to run like lightning.

    Under stress, we optimize our resources for survival and shutdown non-essential functions. Translation? Your digestion grinds to a halt, your sex hormones (estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone) convert to cortisol, and your blood sugar skyrockets.

    This is okay now and then. Are you in a state of constant, low-grade stress? Imagine the havoc and inner turmoil.

    A few condition-linked stresses include IBS, constipation, weight gain, insomnia, high blood sugar, and hormone irregularities—for women, missed or absent periods, severe PMS, and fertility issues. And these are just the tip of the iceberg.

    Your body and mind are like the matrix.

    The Western approach to medicine is to examine each problem separately, so you end up with a different specialist for each malady.

    In Eastern medicines, your body is a united whole rather than a constellation of unrelated parts. Your insomnia may be the result of high stress. Or your constipation and weight gain may be due to a complete absence of fiber in your diet.

    Now let’s talk about what you need to do.

    But first, I must introduce you to your personal, world-class health advocate. And it’s not your doctor, your chiropractor, or even your yoga teacher.

    It’s you.

    1. What silence can teach you about listening.

    Set aside time to listen to your own deepest wishes. I searched for answers outside of myself, looking for rigid rules and diets. I used food to shut off my thoughts. It was hard, but I gradually let my truths surface. I know you can do it too. Decide on a time, and set aside ten minutes each day. Breathe deeply and listen.

    How are you feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally?

    Have a journal nearby to jot down any thoughts. Notice what pops into your head. Bring yourself back to your breath if you start to get lost in thoughts.

    2. What would happen if you followed your passions right now?

    You can do this right now in tiny steps. Make time to do the things you love.

    How do you most want to spend each day? Write a list of your priorities and brainstorm easy solutions.

    Exercise: wake up twenty minutes earlier. Do a series of sit-ups, push-ups, leg lifts, squats, etc.

    Time with your children: say no to superfluous activities—committees, boards, etc.

    More creative time: schedule your time on weekends for writing, painting, or whatever you love.

    Treat it like a priority appointment.

    When I worked at a corporate job, I’d wake early to practice yoga at home before work. I didn’t miss the sleep, and I was much more productive and happier during the day. I couldn’t control the rest of the day, but I relished my sacred morning ritual.

    3. Say goodbye to your job if it makes you unhappy.

    Right now, maybe you need it to support your family. No problem. Make sure you limit your working hours. Make the rest count.

    Turn off your TV and put away your iPhone. Spend engaged time with your family. Thinking about work takes you away from important leisure activities.

    Your people will always be important—your children, parents, siblings, friends, and your tribe. Don’t sweat the little things. Cultures with high longevity emphasize personal relationships, support networks, and family. The elders are the big shots, not the richest in the village.

    4. How to glow from the inside out.

    We are genetically wired to thrive on a whole-foods diet. A rule of thumb: the more processed the food, the less you should eat.

    Most of the diets that actually work—paleo, low-carb, and vegan—all have whole foods at their base. They vary in content, but all encourage vegetables, fruits, and good-quality protein sources.

    Return to those niggly health issues. Take an honest look at your diet. What could you do better? What things would you be willing to change?

    I used to systematically overeat healthy foods. My diet was great, but I used foods, even healthy ones, to quell my inner unhappiness. I hated my job. I felt lonely and isolated.

    Start with one change per month. Not more. Drink a glass of water with your meals and skip sugary drinks.Or eat a salad with your lunch or dinner.

    5. Here’s a little-known secret about your mind.

    How do you feel after eating a plate of fried foods? Or a big meal in a restaurant followed by dessert? I feel fuzzy and sluggish.

    What about after eating a bowl of candy? Like a space cadet? Sugar spikes our blood sugar and makes concentration impossible.

    Want to keep your mind clear and alert? Choose fresh vegetables and fruits, high-quality animal products, legumes like lentils and beans, healthy fats from nuts and seeds, and high-quality cold-pressed oils.

    Why Most People Fail Miserably

    Simply put, they don’t prioritize their own health. Don’t fall down that rabbit hole.

    Your job is not to put everyone else’s health above your own.

    Your job is not to make excuses about what you should be doing but aren’t.

    Your job is to be your most enthusiastic health advocate. You must fight tooth and nail to make stellar choices for your health.

    Your good intentions are worthless if you never take action. I’ve been there too. I’ve ignored my body. It was a mistake.

    Start making tiny changes, like having oatmeal and an apple for breakfast. Notice how much better you feel. You’ll be chomping at the bit to do more.

    Living well makes you feel better and happier. But it requires a little courage and determination.

    Start with one tiny step in the right direction. Take five minutes now and decide what your first step is.

    You know you deserve a healthier life.

    And more happiness.

  • May You Never Be So Busy…

    May You Never Be So Busy…

    May You Never Be So Busy...

    Source: NotSalmon.com

  • How to Stop Tying Your Worth to Things Outside Yourself

    How to Stop Tying Your Worth to Things Outside Yourself

    Woman Relaxing

    “If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value.” ~Unknown

    There’s nothing like being one of the few black kids in your school to make you feel like the odd person out.

    Well, that was my experience, anyway. I appreciate my parents’ desire to provide my brother and me with a safe neighborhood to live in and a good education, but growing up in a predominantly white area really affected me. I very rarely felt like I fit in among my peers.

    That didn’t stop me from trying, though. I did all I could to get people to like me—to feel accepted. Perfectionism quickly became my best friend.

    The pressure I put on myself to be perfect wasn’t completely unproductive. I ended up earning the honor of being my school’s first black valedictorian. I also lost seventy pounds and became a renowned soloist in my school district.

    But those accomplishments still weren’t enough to make me feel worthy. Deep down, what I really wanted was a boyfriend. Maybe if I could find a boy to like me, I thought, I wouldn’t feel so different from my peers.

    Unfortunately, finding a boyfriend proved to be difficult. It wasn’t until I was twenty-one years old that I had my first kiss and met my first serious boyfriend. Finally, I felt normal—all because a man believed I was special.

    The problem with connecting my relationship status with my self-worth is that I desperately clung to my boyfriend, despite the many red flags present within our relationship. It took nearly four years before I accepted that his behavior toward me was rather abusive and that I needed to leave.

    By the time I left that relationship, my sense of worth was pretty shot. It’s ironic that low self-worth is what led me to the relationship, kept me in the relationship, and what I had to deal with once I left the relationship.

    I learned the hard way that when we connect our worth with anything outside of ourselves, we’re setting ourselves up for failure.

    Yes, it’s a common trap many of us find ourselves in, but it’s a dangerous one. During the last five years of healing from abuse, I’ve eventually come to realize that my worthiness is an entity separate from my appearance, relationship status, and success.

    Yours is too.

    These days, I firmly believe that a deep sense of self-worth is the foundation each person needs to fully thrive in his/her work, relationships, and other life endeavors. Despite what society likes to tell us, weight loss, engagement rings, and becoming the CEO of your company aren’t what make us worthy. Such things just don’t have that power in the long-term.

    On the contrary, it is because we are worthy that we’re able to accomplish and enjoy such wonderful things. And when we believe we’re worthy, we bring more of our light into the world. We tend to attract similar light too.

    So, how exactly does one develop a deep sense of self-worth?

    That is the question—and the challenge.

    Here are a few tips to keep in mind when you’re looking to deepen your self-worth. The following list is certainly not a formula, but it just might get you thinking about how you can get in touch with your own worthiness.

    Acknowledge when you are seeking external validation.

    It’s common to seek validation from others, so I wouldn’t expect you quit that habit cold turkey. You’re human!

    That said, it’s important to at least acknowledge when you’re seeking it. “I’m looking for people to validate me so I feel worthy” might sound like a silly thing to say aloud, but you can’t address a problem until you acknowledge its existence.

    Then, think about why external validation is so important to you.

    Sometimes, when I find myself pining for more Facebook likes or a quick compliment from my husband, I stop myself and think. There’s certainly nothing wrong with wanting people to appreciate my work or my husband to tell me I’m attractive, but if I’m wrapping up my entire well-being in either of those things, I’m in for some major disappointment.

    Other people weren’t created to make me feel good about myself; that’s my own issue that I need to work on.

    Usually, when we’re urgently seeking external validation, there’s a fear underlying our desperation. Getting in touch with those fears is important because then we can determine whether our fears are reality or just fears. Most of the time, they’re just fears, and we shouldn’t give them more power than they deserve.

    Practice self-love by caring, comforting, and soothing yourself.

    Often, when we’re longing for validation, it’s because we’re in need of attention. Caring, comforting, and soothing ourselves, particularly during hard times, need to become common practices. A lot of times we can give ourselves the attention we’re yearning for; we just have to get used to doing so.

    I’m not suggesting that individuals can replace the role of community in their own lives; we still need loved ones to share life with us. But when we really value something, we treat it well. And you deserve to be at the top of the list of things you value, especially if you haven’t been for a significant period of time.

    In other words, treat yourself like you know you’re worth it and one day, you just might believe it.

    Be willing to believe you are worthy.

    You might not have a whole lot of self-worth today, but that doesn’t mean you never will. So, while you’re doing the work of deepening your self-worth, believe that you are capable of doing so too. Otherwise, what’s the point?

    Commit to the journey.

    Deepening your sense of self-worth is no easy feat. It is, indeed, a journey. And because of all the topsy-turvy feelings this journey might invoke, it’s wise to commit to it prior to taking the first step.

    Humans make significant decisions every day that require displays of commitment (i.e.: getting married, buying a house, adopting a pet). While I don’t think you have to plan a wedding ceremony for yourself (unless you really want to), I do think the decision to deepen your self-worth should be viewed as a significant one requiring the utmost commitment.

    In fact, I’d say deepening your self-worth is one of the most significant commitments any person can make. Don’t you?

    Grasping the connection between my self-worth and the way I treat myself was life-changing for me. If you’re struggling to believe in your own worthiness, I strongly suggest that you embark on your own journey towards doing so. That journey just might change your life too.

    Besides, you’re worth it.

    Woman relaxing image via Shutterstock

  • Rethinking Resolutions: One Powerful Intention for the Year Ahead

    Rethinking Resolutions: One Powerful Intention for the Year Ahead

    Man with Raised Arms

    “When we are mindful, deeply in touch with the present moment, our understanding of what is going on deepens, and we begin to be filled with acceptance, joy, peace, and love.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    In January, what I desire most is to slow down.

    My heart wants to use the New Year as a time to reflect on the year that has passed by—what felt right, what didn’t feel right, and areas of potential growth. And my mind wants to use the New Year as an opportunity to look ahead and discover the ways in which I can improve myself moving forward, based on insights that I gained looking back.

    In the past, many of my New Year’s resolutions involved behavioral changes that I knew would be beneficial—eating better, exercising more, writing more, waking up earlier. But I often found myself in a mental tug of war with my resolutions.

    I struggled with the future mindset that inevitably comes with setting goals. I found myself striving, wanting, sometimes forcing—the very opposite of mindfulness.

    I haven’t quite found the delicate balance of accepting myself and my present moment while simultaneously working toward future goals.

    How do I accept myself and the present moment as is if I am in a mindset of wanting different for myself? How do I find the balance between tuning into my body and heart and meeting ever-changing needs, and staying consistent with the behaviors I have determined I need to bring into my life?

    I am sure there is an evolved state where self-acceptance and self-improvement can live harmoniously, but I have not yet discovered this state of balance. And that is okay. We are all a work in progress, discovering and starting over every day.

    So this year, I am choosing differently for myself. Instead of a slew of resolutions, I am setting an intention. My intention is to live consciously and compassionately in each moment, whatever that moment may bring. 

    This means listening deeply to myself.

    This means:

    • Resting if I am tired.
    • Moving when my body needs to move.
    • Nourishing myself when I am hungry.
    • Stopping when I am full.
    • Silencing my inner critic.
    • Acting with kindness, toward myself and others.

    And the list could go on and on.

    We may not always be able to meet our needs immediately as they arise, but we can still tune into the messages that our body, mind, and spirit send to us, and honor those. This is the blessing of self-care.

    Cultivating compassionate awareness and making choices accordingly feels so much more freeing than a resolution or a goal. I am free to call forth whatever feels right.

    And most importantly, from this place of consciousness, we can meet each other with true kindness. We can connect with strangers and loved ones with an open heart. We can allow generosity and patience.

    We can be with the people and experiences of our lives in a meaningful, present manner.

    But how do we learn how to listen to ourselves in this way? We are so used to staying in our heads and our thoughts, disconnected from the soul of our internal and external experiences. Here are some possible ways to connect with ourselves more deeply in the new year.

    Not all of these tools might be for you, or maybe you might discover your own. Each of us has to walk our path in the way that feels most comfortable.

    1. Slow down.

    For some, this can feel terrifying! We are used to maintaining a rushed pace, often to distract ourselves or for fear of missing out. Play close attention to when you are moving too fast, or are too busy.

    Consider asking yourself whether there is something you are avoiding in your busyness. Say “No” to activities that aren’t necessary or meaningful to you. Choose consciously to block out time on your schedule for rest.

    Create buffers between activities so you are not rushing, and allow yourself time to transition.

    2. Discover quiet.

    The constant noises of our world—people talking, music playing, kids asking, technology beeping—can be loud and intrusive. The voices in our heads—our constant commentary—can be deafening. Turn the volume down, or better yet, switch to silent mode, and allow yourself to just be.

    This is when you can start to become aware of the forces that operate within you. This is when you can feel the beating of your heart, or the sensation of your breath. This is when you can feel how emotions, desires, and aversions come and go like the tide of the ocean waves.

    3. Experiment with meditation.

    Once you feel comfortable with disconnecting, experiment with how meditation feels. Meditation is a way to observe all of yourself in an intimate way. You might start with a brief sitting practice where you focus on the sensation of breathing for a few minutes.

    Don’t put pressure on yourself to meditate in a certain way. Don’t make it another project or goal that you can fail at. Meditation is called a practice for a reason. Find your entry point and build from there.

     4. Allow self-compassion.

    Being with yourself won’t be very fun if you are always criticizing yourself. Make a pact to only use kind, loving words with yourself, the way you would with a child or a favorite friend. Compassion for yourself improves well-being, and is the foundation from which compassion for others can grow.

    5. Live mindfully.

    Practice immersing yourself in your experiences, in a curious, non-judgmental manner. There are several ways to experiment with mindfulness in your life. Try using all of your senses to consciously connect to a mundane experience.

    For example, while washing the dishes, really listen to the sound of the water, feel the slippery soapiness of the dishes, inhale the scent of dish soap. Using our senses to deepen our experience prevents us from ruminating about an argument with our boss or worrying about tomorrow’s crazy schedule.

    Alternatively, if you find yourself waiting, allow yourself to just wait. Put your device of choice away and focus on your breath, or the sensory experience of being where you are. This moment is the only moment that truly exists. Mindfulness allows us to truly live that moment, deeply and intentionally.

    Man with raised arms image via Shutterstock

  • Finding a Job You Love: 5 Things You Need to Do

    Finding a Job You Love: 5 Things You Need to Do

    “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” ~Confucius

    I once worked for a big international consultancy firm (okay, it’s McKinsey, don’t tell anyone) and hated it.

    Everyone told me how lucky I was to have that job. They went on and on about how prestigious it was, how I got to travel the world, work with executives on the big topics, and hang out with brilliant colleagues.

    As much as all of that is true, I still hated the job. Not because of McKinsey, but because of me.

    It might be a dream job for a lot of people, but it surely wasn’t for me. It was a nightmare, and in the end I couldn’t sleep anymore (at which point a nightmare in the literal meaning of the word started to seem very attractive to me).

    Have you ever gone without sleep for days? If you have, then you know that it’s not sustainable for very long. After four days I was a zombie, and a miserable one at that.

    I was on the verge of a breakdown, and I knew that something needed to change. In hindsight, it was so obvious what that “something” was—but back then, twelve years ago, I had totally lost my way.

    Fortunately, I finally gathered up enough courage (or desperation) to pick up the phone and call my HR manager. I quit, and then I went to bed and slept like a baby for twenty hours straight.

    Two months later I had landed a job that I genuinely could love, and two years later I was running my own company.

    Since then my co-founders and I have grown our company to 200 employees, with offices in London, Berlin, and Copenhagen. More importantly, I am able to have fun, learn at a fast pace, and maintain a great work/life balance even from day one.

    From these two contrasting experiences I have learned five lessons that I use to keep myself on the right track, and that might be useful for you too:

    1. Don’t settle.

    It’s so easy to fall victim to the idea that we should be grateful just to have a job, especially in times where the economy is bad. As much as I am a fan of gratitude, if your job is not making you happy then it’s not the right thing for you to be spending 50% or more of your waking hours doing. Period.

    Of course, we can all have moments of doubt and bad days—congratulations for being human! But if you dread going to work more often than not, then it’s time to connect to your inner strength and creativity to move on to a new mission.

    2. Be courageous.

    I recently came across a happiness study that showed a positive correlation between courage and happiness.

    At first that seemed a bit odd to me. But then I understood: brave people get more out of their lives because they dare to break out, let go of their past, and embrace the unknown. They grow more, learn more, and live more intensely. Thus, they are happier.

    Since this realization, every time I get fearful, I ask myself, is this a happiness enhancer in disguise?

    Of course, sometimes courage comes in the form of non-action. Staying where you are even if it is difficult is also courageous. Only you can distinguish the difference between growing and fleeing.

    Statistically, most of us are biased toward the non-action end of the spectrum, so it makes sense to contemplate if we are staying put (in a job, in a relationship, in a city) because we are brave or because we are afraid.

    3. Follow the “One-Year Rule.”

    Let’s say that you have realized that you need to move on in your life, and that you are courageous enough to act on it. Good for you! However, sometimes you will find that you are actually stuck.

    Maybe you really need your paycheck at the end of each month. You may even have children to provide for. What do you do then?

    The One-Year Rule goes like this: make a plan and a firm commitment to yourself that one year from now, you will have sorted out your problems and be in a much better place. With planning, creativity, and patience, most things are possible.

    4. Live your priorities.

    More than once, you have probably listened to someone go on about how their children are their number one priority, or how they value good health. Then you wondered if their actions were really in line with these beliefs. Worse yet, sometimes we have been that person.

    When we say that our daughter or son means everything to us, then that statement needs to be backed by recognizable action. This could mean picking up your child early from kindergarten and being present while you play with Legos together.

    Maybe your priorities are very different from mine, and that’s fine too. The point is that we each need to be clear on what’s important to us and then live according to that blueprint. Otherwise, we end up with regret and low self-respect.

    For me, working at McKinsey wasn’t the right thing to do because that required me to be an always-on type of guy. I needed a job where I had much more freedom—that was my priority.

    5. Don’t believe the naysayers.

    It’s amazing how many well-intended friends, family members, and colleagues are more than willing to tell us when our ideas, visions, or plans are unrealistic. They tell us that we should rather be grateful for what we have, whether it’s a job, a spouse, or something else.

    Our parents can especially be a strong source of our self-doubt; parents are inherently risk-averse on behalf of their children. That’s fine, but we, their children, shouldn’t pay too much attention to that.

    My dad thought it was the silliest thing that I wanted to write a book. “There are so many books out there already,” he said. “Shouldn’t you rather focus on your business?” I didn’t listen and I am happy about that. What advice from your friends and family should you make sure to avoid?

    Here’s a tip: the next time someone is projecting their own fears and limitations on you, imagine a huge trash bin between you—and visualize all their words slipping into that bin, before they even reach you.

    Don’t be upset with other people; they are allowed to have their own beliefs and opinions. Just remember it has nothing to do with you, even when they claim it does.

    If you follow these five simple rules, I believe that work can become much more of a gift in your life rather than an obligation.

    It certainly worked for me, and I am by no means unique (or we all are). You deserve a job you truly love—and if you haven’t found it already, it’s probably out there looking for you.

  • How to Motivate Yourself Instead of Criticizing Yourself

    How to Motivate Yourself Instead of Criticizing Yourself

    “I define depression as a comparison of your current reality to a fantasy about how you wish your life would be.” ~Dr. John Demartini

    I always wanted to do things “right.” I was the little kid at the front of the room, raising her hand for every question. I was great at pushing myself to succeed and please.

    My drive to be perfect was an asset through college and law school. I rocked high grades and landed a big firm job right out of school. But that same drive drove me right into a therapist’s office at twenty-five, where I was diagnosed with severe depression.

    Then just like any good perfectionist, I drove myself harder to overcome the depression, to be more perfect. I Cookie Monstered personal growth, intensely gobbling up books, lectures, retreats, and coaching.

    Have you ever been cruising along, then suddenly realized you’ve been going the wrong way for a while?

    When I had suicidal thoughts in my thirties after giving birth to my daughter, my intense drive came to a screeching halt. My desire to be perfect had driven me into a deep and scary postpartum depression.

    My thoughts were no longer mine, and for the first time in my life I was afraid of what was happening in my head. Something had to shift.

    So I went on a new journey, one designed to find out (for real this time) how to reduce the daily suffering that I knew I was causing myself. What I learned shifted my entire life. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

    Let me walk you through my journey. Maybe you can discover something about yourself along the way.

    To Motivate or To Berate—That is the Question

    Like all good journeys, mine starts with a hero (me) and a villain (my inner critic voice). Now, that “little voice” for me was not little at all. It was more like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters, the mean one with the scary eyes.

    One day I decided to turn toward my Mean Marshmallow Man Voice and ask it questions. Why must I be perfect? Why are you always criticizing me?

    “Because you’re not perfect.” It said, with a booming voice. “You’re not…” and then it went on to list about 2,000 things that I was failing to do, be, say, or accomplish.

    But this time, when I pictured all of these 2,000 things, I started to imagine the person who would actually have done all of those things. Who would this person be, this perfect version of me? Let’s name her Perfect Lauren.

    Well, let’s see. Perfect Lauren would never let the clothes on her floor pile up, or the mail go unread. Perfect Lauren wouldn’t spend hours watching The Walking Dead or surfing Facebook. Perfect Lauren would work out every day, in the morning, before work.

    Perfect Lauren would eat extremely well and would skip Starbucks, no matter how much she loved Salted Carmel Mochas. Perfect Lauren would have a perfect meditation practice every day.

    I saw my entire life flash before my eyes, one long comparison to Perfect Lauren and one long failure to measure up. Did I assume that with enough self-abuse, one day I would become Perfect Lauren? One day I would finally be this fantasy super mom who would always “have it together”?

    Suddenly I realized that my immense drive, the one that had allowed me to be so successful, was not a drive toward the happiness I wanted. I was not driving toward anything at all. I was driving away from something.

    I drove myself to avoid feeling shame, self-criticism, and self-hate. I drove myself to please the Mean Marshmallow Man Voice. I drove myself to avoid hating myself.

    Why do you do things? Do you exercise, eat right, study, or work hard because you love yourself and want good for yourself? Or do you do these things to avoid shame and self-criticism?

    I had spent my entire life motivating myself with negativity. And I was now paying the price.

    Why It’s Hard to Change

    Once I realized how much I compared myself to Perfect Lauren, I tried to stop. It seems simple. Just stop doing it.

    But when I tried too hard, I kept getting stuck in this Dr. Seuss-like spiral of hating myself for trying to not hate myself. My former coach used to call that a “double bind,” because you’re screwed either way.

    For me to finally learn how to change this, I first had to ask myself…why? And yes, I know that I’m starting to sound like Yoda, but follow me here.

    Why did I need to compare myself to Perfect Lauren? Why did it matter? When I pulled at the thread, I found the sad truth.

    I compare myself to Perfect Lauren because somewhere deep in my mind I believe that Perfect Lauren gets the love. Real Lauren doesn’t. So I must constantly push myself to be Perfect Lauren, never accepting Real Lauren.

    Okay, that sounds ridiculous. When you highlight a belief, sometimes it can look like a big dog with shaved fur, all shriveled and silly. I don’t believe that at all.

    I believe the Lauren that leaves clothes on the floor and loses the toothpaste cap deserves love! The Lauren who hates to unload the dishwasher and loses bills in a pile of mail, she deserves love too!

    How to Transform Self-Criticism

    Have you ever looked endlessly for something and then realized it was sitting right in front of your face? It turns out that the solution to my self-criticism and comparison was actually pretty simple—start loving myself more.

    Now loving Real Lauren, with all faults, is not easy. But I’m trying.

    Instead of pushing myself with shame, hatred, and self-criticism, I am learning to motivate myself with praise. Instead of threatening myself, I am pumping myself up.

    And this has changed everything. I actually get more done using positive motivation. And more importantly, I feel better about what I get done. I’m happier, calmer, and feel more at peace with my life.

    If you want to shift your own self-criticism and free yourself from the tyranny of your Mean Marshmallow Man, stop trying to fix yourself and start trying to love yourself.

    Here is a practical way to implement this into your life:

    The next time you notice that you are criticizing yourself or comparing yourself to Perfect You, stop. Hit the pause button in your head.

    Next, say, “Even though I… I love and accept all of myself.” So, for me today, “Even though I shopped on Zulily instead of writing this blog post, I love and accept all of myself.”

    Now imagine that you’re giving yourself a hug, internally. Try to generate a feeling of self-compassion.

    When you do this regularly, you will start to notice what I noticed. Love and self-compassion can shift even the strongest negative thoughts and emotions and allow you to enjoy more of your life.

    And that’s the real goal here, isn’t it? If we keep driving ourselves using self-criticism, we will never be happy, no matter how perfect we are, because we won’t enjoy the process. We won’t enjoy the journey.

    I believe that the happiest people in life aren’t the ones with the least baggage. They are just the ones who learned to carry it better so that they can enjoy the ride.

    The more we generate self-compassion and love, the easier perfectionism and self-criticism will be to carry. And the easier it will be for us to love and enjoy this beautiful and amazing journey called life.

  • An Inspiring Pep Talk from a 5th Grade Girl from Kenya

    An Inspiring Pep Talk from a 5th Grade Girl from Kenya

    Need a boost of motivation? Eunice, a fifth grade student at the Kibera School for Girls in Kenya, offers an empowering, encouraging message.

  • Why Being Real Matters More Than Being the Best

    Why Being Real Matters More Than Being the Best

    Friends

    “We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.” ~May Sarton

    Have you ever compared yourself to others on social media?

    You’re not alone if you have. It’s human nature to compare, compete, and seek value in the opinions of others. To aspire to the heights others seem to have attained.

    But how real are those people we compare ourselves to really being? The ones who seem to have it all together? Perfect family, ideal job, loving relationship?

    I would venture to guess they’re not being very real at all.

    It’s true they may have a great partner, a great job, and well-behaved kids—some of the time. But like everyone else, they fall, they fight, and they make mistakes. They just don’t talk about it on Facebook.

    That’s where online relationships let us down; they fail to tell the whole story.

    I’m as guilty as the next person. I post pictures of my kids baking cakes, running along the beach, and acing the soccer game on a Sunday. But I neglect to mention how much I yelled at them for their attitude or constant fighting.

    I talk about date night with my husband but don’t mention how we argued all the way home.

    And I post pictures of inspirational life quotes, such as, “Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile” (Einstein) as though I’m living them every day.

    Because I, like everyone else, want to show the best side of myself. I have an inherent need to be liked and to belong. It’s human nature.

    But what if being liked and belonging is more about being authentic than being the best or getting ahead? What if in sharing who we really are, we are more able to find the connection we crave?

    A few years ago I attended a weekend retreat and workshop for personal development along with about thirty others. Not knowing anyone, I was nervous.

    We met for the introductory session in a large room and had to mingle for about twenty minutes or so before the facilitators arrived.

    What I experienced in that time was eye-opening to me. I watched as eyes darted around the room, each person looking for someone like themselves to identify with, be it through age, appearance, personality type (introverts, extroverts), or physical attraction.

    In this vulnerable state, where each of us was seeking to find favor with the other, we all were quick to disguise our true selves and to judge everyone in the room on appearances and first words.

    And for the first day of that workshop judgment remained, until the facilitators were able to break down our walls and encourage us to see the value in being who we really were—in talking honestly and not trying to be better than the next person.

    To do so required being vulnerable. But once one person began to speak honestly about their fears and their struggles, it gave the next person permission to do the same. This continued until we all let down our guards and spoke honestly about our struggles and fears.

    The result was incredible. The connections I made that weekend were real, honest, and close.

    Once I saw my fellow participants for who they really were, all judgment fell away and I felt nothing but genuine love for them. Because when we see one another in our true light, it doesn’t make us weak; it makes us the same. We see how we are all human and in this thing called life together.

    It’s not being the best or getting ahead that meets our true desires; it’s being real and doing life together.

    What if we were to share our truth on social media? To talk about a bad day instead of always trying to be great?

    And what if instead of saying “I’m fine” to the next friend who asks, “How are you doing?” we could instead respond with “I’ve had a hard time lately”?

    Sometimes that leap of faith in the response is the first step toward living an authentic life and being true to ourselves. Because being anything less than who we really are just isn’t worth it.

    Friends image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Things to Realize When You Think You Don’t Matter

    7 Things to Realize When You Think You Don’t Matter

    Woman in a Ski Jacket

    “I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.” ~Hafiz of Shiraz

    Have you ever felt like you didn’t matter?

    Were you ever held back from pursuing something because the voice in your head said, “Why bother?”

    You’re not alone.

    I once felt that way too, but I discovered a way out of that dark time.

    In my early twenties, fresh out of college, I had my first professional job interview. I had the blissful optimism and naiveté characteristic of most college grads seeing a world full of infinite possibilities.

    And although optimistic, I was understandably apprehensive because it was relatively difficult for a first-time interview.

    It consisted of the following:

    • An interview lasting one to two hours conducted by a panel of eight to ten people.
    • Answering questions in Spanish since being bilingual was a requirement.

    I prepared for a week and hoped for the best.

    In the beginning, the situation was quite unnerving with everyone watching and analyzing me, but then it got relatively easier. Yet, just when I started to feel somewhat comfortable, someone asked me a question in Spanish (my big weakness).

    I wasn’t confident speaking conversational Spanish, so when I answered the question, I completely choked, and my Spanish sounded like I was a toddler learning how to talk. All of a sudden one of the other interviewers belted out raucous laughter, and the humiliation poured over me like a waterfall.

    After ten seconds of awkward silence, the rest of the interview didn’t matter because I felt more insignificant than a speck of dust.

    And, not only did I not get the job, but the resulting humiliation also destroyed my self-worth and bruised my youthful, inexperienced ego.

    I didn’t bother interviewing for another job for almost a year.

    Not until I had some clarity one day looking into my daughter’s eyes did I realize how I had allowed someone to control my life like an invisible bully.

    I wanted to take back control, move on, and not live life feeling so small.

    I had to be strong for my daughter and regain my self-worth.

    I realized seven things we should remember when we think we don’t matter:

    1. We all have the same emotional pain points: insecurity, self-doubt, and fear of not belonging.

    As different as we all are outwardly, we feel the same emotional pain. Some of us hide it or mask it with anger, mean-spiritedness, and insensitivity, while a minority can clearly communicate that pain in a healthy way. In the end, we all want the comfort of belonging to a group and the feeling of sincere acceptance.

    Stop feeding your pain by comparing yourself with others.

    Whether it’s a lack of success in relationships, financial issues, or being insecure about your body, focus on the emotional indirect connection with others instead, and feel less alone by knowing you share this pain with everyone

    2. You were blessed with a “super power.”

    You may not know it, but you can do something so easily that you take it for granted. If you are unsure what that super power is, take the time to deeply reflect on the possibilities: intuitive, artistic, empathic, talented dancer or musician, skilled cook, caring, organized, etc.

    This is your super power or skill you are blessed with. No matter what you think, this blessing is significant, so recognize you have a gift, use it, and share it with the world.

    3. Confidence can be learned.

    You may think that people are born confident, but this isn’t true; confidence can be learned. It also can be rebuilt. For me, the difficult first step of doing another job interview began the process of rebuilding my confidence, and steadily my confidence grew with each interview I tackled afterward.

    Know it’s possible and don’t get shut down by the myth that you either have confidence or you don’t. Learning to be confident will test your comfort levels, but building confidence is a process that even the most timid can achieve.

    4. Look at low points in your life without self-judgment.

    Just like we take care of a physical injury, emotional pain also must be taken care of in deeply caring ways.

    The most important thing to do when you are at a low point in your life is don’t judge or self-blame. Punishing yourself by going through that mental loop of I deserve this, or I’m worthless is like walking on a broken leg; you won’t heal.

    Be gentle to yourself, give yourself time, and rebuild your strength—you’ll get through.

    5. Of all the voices in the world, the loudest and most insidious is your inner voice.

    The inner critic wants you to believe the lie that you must be perfect. Trying to be perfect all the time strips the joy out of life.

    If you don’t accomplish goals, don’t know what you want yet, and make numerous mistakes, that’s okay because life is about discovery.

    The only obligation you have is to be true to yourself. Don’t empower that inner critic by listening. Instead, drown out that voice by talking to yourself in more encouraging ways; you’ll live your life with more joy this way

    6. You don’t need to know what others think. In other words, nobody will please and be liked by everyone.

    Stop obsessing about what others think. You can’t control their thoughts because it isn’t within your control. So let go of that forever.

    Free yourself and know that you can’t possibly please everyone. The greatest creators, dreamers, and innovators faced the worse kind of adversity and were hated by many people. Just be the real you and nothing more.

    Don’t allow others to validate your worth; all you need to know is you are doing the best that you can do, and that’s enough.

    Throughout your life, gather the ideas, thoughts, and opinions of others, but always look within and live your truth. We all want acceptance, but if you never live your truth, you will always be imprisoned by other people’s opinions.

    7. Rejection is not failure; it means something better that you deserve is coming.

    That rejection by a love interest or that HR Manager for the job opportunity you really wanted is not a failure. You are simply in the process of getting what you deserve and what is right for you.

    The doors that slam in your face may be many, but soon you’ll realize they were secret blessings that you will look back on fondly. When people say, “No,” keep trying and eventually you’ll find that one proverbial door that will finally be the one meant just for you.

    Rejection is better than doing nothing because you’re at least trying and building momentum, regardless of how crappy you may feel.

    If you want something, momentum begins when you take the first step, even if it is the tiniest step.

    Make Your Inner Light Burn Brighter

    Regardless of all the curveballs that life throws at you, know that you completely matter.

    You may feel your self-worth has been lost, but don’t lose hope.

    Focus on what connects you with others (both flaws and strengths), embrace your superpower and not your weaknesses, strengthen your confidence one step at a time, and be empowered to accomplish your dreams.

    Know that everyone endures the ebb and flow of life in different ways.

    Before you know it, the bounce will return to your step, and your confidence will radiate the room.

    It’s only a matter of time.

    Let me know which of these points you’ll embrace today.

    Woman in a ski jacket image via Shutterstock

  • Review and Giveaway: In the Garden of Happiness

    Review and Giveaway: In the Garden of Happiness

    In the Garden of Happiness

    Update: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen:

    Ken Golden

    Sandy

    Be inspired. Be strong. Be happy.

    These words pop from the peaceful imagery on the back cover of Dodinsky’s In the Garden of Happiness, nicely summarizing the benefits of perusing this uplifting illustrated book.

    If you’ve read his first book, In the Garden of Thoughts, you know what to expect from this bestselling author: whimsical imagery and powerful wisdom in a deceptively tiny package.

    His work provides encouragement when you’re feeling hopeless or helpless; reassurance when you’re feeling insecure or insignificant; and comfort when you’re feeling regretful or remorseful.

    Some of my favorite passages include:

    Whenever you manage to smile in spite of the hardships you’re facing, it means your soul is refusing to be a prisoner of your sorrows.

    To find the star that sparkles the most, you need to look inward—because not all stars are settled in the sky.

    It is sometimes the uphill struggles that will give you the best view of life’s most forgotten and beautiful landscapes.

    Colorful, insightful, soothing, and empowering, In the Garden of Happiness is the perfect gift for anyone—of any age—who appreciates vibrant art and bite-size pieces of inspiration.

    I’ve left my copy where I can easily access it for an instant pick-me-up. Simultaneously simple and profound, it never fails to comfort and uplift me.

    As a huge fan of Dodinsky, I couldn’t be more thrilled to share In the Garden of Happiness with you, and I’m grateful he’s offered two free copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

    To Enter the Giveaway

    • Leave a comment below
    • For an extra entry, tweet or post on Facebook: Enter the giveaway on Tiny Buddha to win a free copy of In the Garden of Happiness, by Dodinsky: http://bit.ly/14orN3W

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, January 9th. The book launches tomorrow, and is available for pre-order on Amazon now.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • You Don’t Need Other People to Validate Your Feelings

    You Don’t Need Other People to Validate Your Feelings

    “When you give another person the power to define you, then you also give them the power to control you.” ~Leslie Vernick

    It’s coming up on the anniversary of when I left a relationship that was both my unhealthiest and my greatest catalyst for growth.

    While I’m able to see that he was a spiritual assignment I needed in order to evolve, I can’t help but feel resentful. But what surprises me isn’t my anger at him; it’s my anger at myself. Let me explain.

    Disastrous relationships are nothing new for me. My past is riddled with complicated, codependent, and crazy encounters. To cope, I’ve blamed my partners, I’ve blamed myself, and for a brief period of time, I thought I found the answer in couples therapy. Never before have I been more wrong.

    Like any self-help junkie, I made it my business to learn everything I could about the philosophy behind what I hoped would save my relationship. I attended a lecture by Harville Hendrix, founder of Imago Therapy. He spoke on how we can change the world by changing our relationships.

    That sounded interesting, so I kept listening.

    He went on to explain how we strive to connect with others in order to experience a taste of the joy and love we once received from our primary caregivers. This connection is our deepest desire and losing it is our greatest fear.

    And then it hit me. It’s counter-intuitive to look to relationships to fix wounds from our past. Did I really want to continue that pattern?

    The belief that I might find joy in a relationship because it might temporarily quell a deeper abandonment issue is the exact reason I remained codependent for most of my life. I’d been searching for a Band-Aid to cover a hemorrhage.

    Like most people, I crave the feeling of safety. Whether through touch or through words, validation that I’m worthy was like a drug. And boy, was I an addict!

    So it was no surprise in couples therapy, when our therapist explained to my then boyfriend that he needed to say that he “heard” me and that my feelings were “legitimate” and “made sense” that I felt like I had finally won.

    But that victory was brief. In fact, it depressed me even more. Because none of it was real.

    Why? Because in the midst of a heated battle about whether he was actually going to follow through on a promise he made, a light bulb went off:

    I really don’t need him to validate that my feelings are okay. The fact that I need him to tell me I have a right to feel this way is exactly what’s keeping me in a relationship that’s wrong for both of us. Whether or not another person sees it, I have a right to feel the way I feel.

    It turns out there is a fine line between wanting your partner to understand you and wanting your partner to validate your feelings. For years, I wanted others to confirm that my feelings were okay to have.

    And ultimately, the belief that feelings need to be validated to be valid was the cause of my codependency.

    Here’s what it comes down to: If you don’t believe your feelings are genuine, real, and legitimate, nothing your partner says will make a difference. Whether or not your partner gets you is secondary to honoring your own feelings.

    And while I loved pathologizing what was wrong with my ex, what you give your attention to only grows.

    Taking inventory and focusing on your partner’s inability to understand you will only create a deeper void to fill. All that negativity creates anxiety, blocking your inner guidance, strength, and resilience.

    After all, your partner isn’t going to fix your old wounds. You are.

    For the record, I’m not saying couples therapy is bad or that it wasn’t helpful for me. One just needs a strong sense of self and a clear picture of what they want to achieve.

    So here’s the solution: Give it to yourself. Heal your core fears and wounds and stop thinking that someone else will fix it for you. You can spend the rest of your life craving a connection with others when what you’re really searching for is a connection with yourself.

  • How to Tell When Someone Needs a Friend

    How to Tell When Someone Needs a Friend

    Two Friends Laughing

    “Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.” ~Unknown

    When I was in high school I was shy, to say the least. I guess a more accurate description would be to say that I was insecure. Painfully insecure.

    Looking back, I don’t know why I cared so much. But I did. I was too insecure to ever say hi to anyone in any of my classes, or to try to sit with anyone new at lunch.

    There were even some days when I went through the entire school day without speaking a word. I felt utterly alone and certainly friendless.

    One day, though, for no discernible reason whatsoever, a kid on my school bus started talking to me. He lived a few houses down the road from me, and his sister went to the same elementary school where mine did.

    We didn’t really talk about anything all that significant, but he seemed to actually be listening to what I had to say, and I felt like someone really cared about what I had to talk about—even if it was nothing at all.

    I’ve tried to model myself after this guy since then. To be a genuinely good listener and to go out of my way to help someone who looks like he or she is having a bad day. It’s a great feeling—feeling like someone wants to hear your thoughts.

    But it can be pretty easy to get caught up in the on-goings of our daily lives. So much so, that we may not notice when others around us need someone to talk to.

    Being able to recognize the signs of someone in need of a friend is important. It’s important to that person because loneliness not only makes you feel bad, but it has also been linked to health problems like higher stress, a negative life outlook, and a less-healthy immune system.

    However, being able to recognize when someone is in need of a friend can be important for you, too.

    The more people you reach out to and form meaningful relationships with, the more friends you will have. This helps fulfill your biological need to be social and can give you extended support systems and greater life happiness.

    So often, though, we don’t want to reach out to others in need of a friend because we’re “too busy” with what we’re doing at the moment or because we simply don’t notice the signs that they need someone to talk to.

    But we need to notice, and we need to care enough to do something about it when we notice.

    More than 800,000 people worldwide commit suicide each year, according to the World Health Organization. And while my purpose in writing this is not to focus on suicide and its prevention, I think it is worth mentioning that having a friend to talk to could do a lot for a potentially suicidal person. It can do a lot for any person.

    Here are some subtle signs that someone might be in need of a friend. Take a few minutes of your day to ask them how they’re doing, offer a smile, or just shoot the breeze with them. 

    They often do things by themselves.

    This could just be shyness, or it could be a sign that someone is uncomfortable reaching out to others.

    If you know someone who tends to stay removed from groups and conversations, they might simply need someone else to take the initiative. Many people want to talk to their coworkers and peers more—they just don’t know how to start.

    They try really hard to make small talk.

    Pay attention to acquaintances who regularly ask what you’re doing for the evening, what you think of the weather, and if you saw the latest episode of whatever show you both watch.

    True, sometimes such small talk is just polite conversation made to ease an awkward silence, but it can also be a sign that someone needs a little human interaction. Try to ask them a few questions about their plans now and then, too.

    Their hobbies are their entire lives.

    A 2011 study published in the Journal of Consumer Research suggests that lonely people sometimes form attachments with their possessions or hobbies because they don’t have enough social connections to feel fulfilled.

    So yeah, you may find it kind of odd that your coworker collects and names various kinds of plants, but that person might just need a friend to offer their company instead. Take the initiative to ask the person about their hobbies and establish some things you have in common with them.

    They spend way too much time on social media.

    To some extent, we all spend a little more time on Pinterest and Facebook than we should. But if you know someone who is not only on social media all the time, but is also talking about it all the time, that person may simply not have enough real life friends to put their social friends in perspective.

    They ruminate on negative things.

    According to research published in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science, lonely people tend to spend more time focusing on stressful experiences. People who tend to dwell on their negative experiences—even the seemingly small ones—are likely spending too much time alone.

    That driver who cut your coworker off in traffic last week? Still an issue. However, it might only be an issue because that person isn’t getting the external social stimuli he or she needs.

    While one of these signs could warrant taking a few minutes out of your day to ask how someone is doing, someone who displays several of these behaviors might really need a friend to hang out with. Make yourself available for a movie and some drinks, or suggest getting together over the weekend to check out that hiking trail you’ve been eyeing up.

    Granted, you won’t be able to help everyone. People suffering from a serious medical condition like depression or a bipolar disorder may be less receptive to your “Hey, man, how’s it going?” But that’s no reason not to try.

    And as far as that kid on my school bus who spoke to me way back when, I still remember him and think about him often. Granted, I did end up marrying him, but that’s another story for another day.

    Friends talking image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Tips to Live a Balanced, Happy Life with Fewer Regrets

    4 Tips to Live a Balanced, Happy Life with Fewer Regrets

    Life Balance

    “Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony.” ~Thomas Merton

    Balance has become an ever-elusive thing these days. The onslaught of technological breakthroughs, aimed at making life easier, has given way to a societal expectation that we are available around the clock.

    This has bled into our careers, where our employers have ever increasing expectations that we can do more in less time. We have 168 hours in our week to sleep, work, rest, be with our loved ones, and pursue personal interests.

    Unfortunately, the majority of people in the world today complain that they aren’t able to keep up with the competing commitments that steal much of their precious time.

    It’s no longer enough to contemplate how this happened and talk about the “good ole days” when life was easier and the days were longer.

    We need to identify what balance looks like for us (as it differs from person to person), work on regaining some of our time, and find more balance so we can truly show up and be present in all the different areas of our lives.

    My wake-up call about my imbalanced life came when I lost my best friend to suicide a few years ago.

    When you experience a sudden loss of this magnitude, you most certainly find yourself in a place of deep contemplation and restructuring. I recognized my own mortality in a way I hadn’t before.

    As a result, I had to do some housekeeping in order to get my life “up to snuff,” so I took an honest and meaningful inventory of all the different parts of my life.

    I looked at the people I was spending my time with, the activities I engaged in, and the places I dwelled. I asked myself if these people, activities, and places were feeding my soul, supporting my journey, and providing love and support.

    It was through this inventory I realized how out of balance my life was. It’s also how I came up with the action plan I am sharing with you now

    1. Start with a values inventory.

    You want to sit down, grab a pen and a piece of paper, and list all of the values that are important to you. You’ll also want to put them in order of importance.

    Some of my top life values include happiness, love, fellowship, integrity, and spirituality. It’s important to note that your top values are defined only by you and carry their own power and placement in your life.

    For example, I define spirituality as my connection to, and relationship with, the source of all things. I honor that value through daily meditation, prayer, and my efforts to make the world a better place through my work and my charity fund. I also honor that value by ensuring I live a life full of generosity, gratitude, respect, and compassion.

    2. Look at your life domains and identify the imbalances present in each area.

    When I speak about life domains, I’m talking about self, career, relationships, and community.

    Self: This domain includes you, your time, your interests, and your self-care.

    Career: This domain speaks to your current job and your employer.

    Relationships: This domain speaks to your loved ones, both friends and family.

    Community: This domain speaks to your participation in your local community (volunteer work, belonging to a religious or spiritual institution, coaching your child’s little league team, etc.)

    Again, you want to grab a pen and a piece of paper. For each of your four life domains, identify what the ideal balance would be. Be detailed in your description of each life domain.

    For example, in the relationships domain, identify those people you would want to see on a regular basis. What frequency would you like to see them and under what circumstances? What would you need to do in order to make that happen?

    You should also weave in your top values to better understand how they should support your efforts in each life domain.

    For example, I would talk about the importance of my value around love and how it plays out in the relationship domain. I would write about my choice to surround myself only with kind, loving people who support me and I support in return.

    The goal here is to create an ideal vision of balance in each domain.

    3. Write about the current status of each life domain.

    If your life domains are imbalanced, write down the details surrounding the imbalances and what you’ll need to do to get them in alignment.

    For example, if your career domain is imbalanced because you’re working too many hours for a demanding supervisor, think about the steps you’ll need to take to regain your balance.

    Maybe it’s talking to your boss about getting you some help or working fewer hours. If your work environment isn’t conducive with this type of dialogue, maybe looking for a better job is a consideration.

    If some of your life domains are in balance, write about the steps you are committing to in order to prevent them from being compromised. It’s important to be clear on your approach to living, and maintaining, a balanced life.

    4. Begin implementing the changes you want to see in a realistic and bite size manner.

    You want to focus on one domain at a time, and tackle one change at time. Pick a domain and implement your first change.

    Once you have grown comfortable with this change and it is now part of your “new normal,” you can move on to the next change.

    When you have implemented all of the changes in your first domain, and reached the balance you desire, you can move to the next domain. I would suggest starting with the easiest changes first.

    Start to build momentum with the changes that will help you create more balance right away. Maybe that’s turning off your work computer at 8:00 every night so you can be with your family, eating healthier, or committing to visiting your parents every Sunday morning.

    These are small changes that can have a big impact on your life!

    —

    At the end of the day, this is all about you living a regret-free existence. Later in life, you don’t want to look back and feel regret for neglecting certain parts of your life (children, health, career aspirations, etc.) because you didn’t take the steps necessary to make things better.

    Balance isn’t easy to achieve, but it is well worth the effort. Make a commitment to find your balance today!

    Life balance image via Shutterstock

  • How to Change Your Life by Changing the Stories You Tell Yourself

    How to Change Your Life by Changing the Stories You Tell Yourself

    Jumping Happy Woman

    “Change your thoughts and you change your world.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

    I used to watch people on the streets and in restaurants and think that their boisterous conversations and broad smiles were evidence that they lived a life much better than mine.

    I assumed that they were happier than me, smarter than me, and worth more than me. All around me was evidence that this was true: my meager bank account, my junky car, my thrift store clothes.

    I would sit in my apartment and try to imagine what it would be like to be someone else.

    I wondered what it would be like to be someone who could afford to go to the movies and go out to eat, someone who bought new clothes and shoes, or someone who had a good job. Even imagining this seemed too hard. I felt as if life was stacked against me.

    Have you ever felt like everyone else was doing better than you? Have you ever felt like the deck was so stacked against you that you would never catch up? I understand that feeling. I had it for much of my adult life.

    I was always a dreamer with big ideas and ridiculous plans, but I was unable to make those plans a reality because the story I told myself was that I wasn’t enough. As long as I continued to tell myself that story, I would continue to be not enough.

    The current state of your life is a direct result of the stories you tell yourself, and what you really believe is possible—not what you say is possible, but what you believe deep down in your core.

    My story about not being good enough showed itself in every aspect of my life—my job, my family, my social life.

    Until I was able to open my eyes and change my story, these aspects of my life were not getting better. You receive what you are telling your subconscious mind you deserve. I was telling my mind that I wasn’t good enough and that’s what I saw all around me.

    If you change the limiting stories you tell yourself, you will be able to change your life.

    I realized this one day when I was watching a Tony Robbins video on YouTube. Yes, I’d heard it plenty of times before, but for some reason on that day, at that time, it really clicked. You will learn the lessons you most need when you are ready for them, and I was finally ready.

    Identifying Your Story

    The first step in changing a limiting belief is identifying it.

    Identifying my story about not being good enough was surprisingly difficult for me initially because I told myself that story for so long that I didn’t think of it as a story at all. I thought of it as true and that was, at its heart, quite ridiculous. It took a lot of thought before I even realized that this was the story I was telling myself.

    What limiting story are you telling yourself? Maybe it’s that you’ll never find love or that you’ll never earn over a certain amount of money. Maybe it’s that you are too shy to speak in public or that you are terrible at small talk. Maybe you think you’ll never make a living doing what you love or that you are not smart enough to succeed.

    All of these things are stories. The difference between you and the people doing the thing that you’ve always wanted to do is the stories you tell yourselves. Changing that story is one of the most important steps to changing your life.

    Shifting Your Story

    Now that you’ve identified your story, you have to make a new one for yourself.

    For me, it was simply deciding that I was just as good as anyone else and I deserved just as much as anyone else. It’s a really simple non-specific story, but it countered my previous limiting one. Think about your limiting story. How can you change that story to make it empowering?

    Supporting a New Story

    A new story in itself is not always enough. That story needs to be rooted in something. You have to believe it, and changing your beliefs can be the most difficult thing of all. When I decided to change my story about myself, I looked around at my life for evidence that the new story was true.

    For example, I knew I had friends and family who loved me and certainly thought I was good enough to receive that love.

    When I looked at my life objectively I realized that I’d actually accomplished quite a bit. I’d always done well in school. I’d written quite a large body of work that I enjoyed and liked. I always went out of my way to be kind and helpful to others. These are all things that, in my eyes, made me just as good as anyone else.

    As I started to look at my situation more, I realized that one of my core problems was “the anyone else” part of my story. I was comparing myself to others, and that will lead to unhappiness most of the time.

    Instead of thinking of myself as just as good as anyone else, I started to change my story again to simply say that I am good.

    Can you find evidence around you that can support your new story? Does looking at that evidence make you realize that you need to make any changes to your new story?

    Emotions Are Key

    Supporting your new story with facts will help you believe it, but what really anchors it into your life is associating it with positive emotions.

    I started meditating every morning and every evening for twenty minutes. Once my meditation was over, before I got up, I’d visualize something that is connected to my new story. Because my story was so broad, that visualization could include any number of things.

    I’d imagine myself having relaxed conversations with people at a social event where I was contributing equally to the conversation. I’d imagine myself working at a job that I loved and doing really well at it.

    I’d imagine these things very concretely. I’d really get into the visualization and wouldn’t get up until I felt the joy that these activities would bring me deep inside.

    I am a writer and am prone to imagination, so this was quite easy for me. We all have the capability to imagine, so give it a shot and see what happens.

    Nothing Happens Without Action

    Sitting around visualizing isn’t enough to make change happen in your life. I’m a strong believer in action. That’s where you really start to see the change happen.

    Now that you have a new story about your life, you’ll be able to see opportunities in places you’ve never noticed them before. You’ll also have the courage to try things that you never did before.

    I immediately started challenging myself. I started making a conscious effort to speak up in social situations and to express my opinion. I started asserted my needs more. I was able to see things for a more positive perspective.

    I’m not saying that I am always successful. I most certainly am not. Sometimes I fall back into old habits, but I remember that simply making the effort gets me a step closer to my ideal than I was before.

    Be Kind to Yourself

    The physical circumstances around you won’t change overnight. You won’t change your story to being abundant and then suddenly have millions of dollars in your bank account the next morning. What will happen, though, is that you will recognize the opportunities that will get you there.

    Don’t be angry with yourself or the universe if it doesn’t happen fast enough for you, or if you fail to make the changes you want all once. Taking small steps in the right direction every day will get you were you need to be. It’s important to be consistent.

    Don’t beat yourself up if you fall back into old habits. We are often our biggest critics. Just pick yourself up and start again. It’s the ability to continue moving forward that will get you to your goal.

    Happy woman jumping image via Shutterstock