Tiny Buddha

Tag: wisdom

  • Finding Beauty After Tragedy: Bad Things Can Lead to Good

    Finding Beauty After Tragedy: Bad Things Can Lead to Good

    “Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic.” ~Oscar Wilde

    Have you ever had one of those moments when something devastating happens in your world and it feels like the rug has been ripped out from under you? I know I certainly did last year.

    I thought my life was moving along wonderfully. I had a well-paying job and was slowly growing my dream business on the side. I was happily married and the mother of an adorably cheeky toddler.

    I was only weeks away from moving into our new family home, which had taken us years of drama and a scary amount of money to build. Despite living so far away from my family, my life felt full of friendship, love, and joy.

    Life was progressing along nicely, and my husband and I were confident that we were on track for reaching the dreams we had envisioned for ourselves and our family. We weren’t living the dream yet, but we thought we could see its promise on the far horizon.

    Then we got the devastating news. My father, the man who had been a hero in both of our lives, was suddenly diagnosed with an incurable brain tumor.

    He was one day a healthy and fit fifty-seven year old man. Then the next day, he was suddenly having seizures and losing his sight, only to then be told that he had an aggressive cancer with an average prognosis of one year of life with treatment.

    This news understandably shook our world, and the ripples were felt long and far by many. We were obviously devastated.

    We couldn’t imagine what our lives would look like without him in our corner. And to be honest, I still haven’t allowed myself to fully lean into this, to feel it, or to process it completely. I know this moment will come eventually and it will be messy.

    One thing that we have noticed since the moment the rug was ripped out from under us is that so much beauty and wonder can appear during tragic times.

    It doesn’t detract from the awfulness. At the end of the day, it is still awful. It still hurts. And it’s still tragic. However, it has also brought about so much goodness.

    It caused my husband and me to stop and reflect on our lives. Were we really living the dream? Or were we playing it safe and residing within our comfort zone? Were our decisions and actions really aligned with our values and how we wanted to feel? What was most important to us?

    Before we knew it, we changed our lives dramatically. I quit the well-paying job to pursue my dream business full time. We sold the brand new so-called dream home. We moved interstate to be by the beach and near our family again. My dad’s terminal illness gave us permission to turn our five-year plan into a now plan.

    With my dad’s encouragement, I also started writing about my experiences. People connected to what I shared. It helped people. I could hold a light for others in our darkness.

    Family, friends, and strangers came out of the woodwork from every direction to offer support and love—going above and beyond what I could have ever expected from them.

    I learned so many lessons about myself and others, all this in a short three months. I can only imagine what is still to come.

    Throughout this time, I have also heard of others who have experienced tragedy and, despite this, can see so much beauty in the lessons and life events that followed.

    A friend of mine still suffering from the hurt of losing her brother years ago could recall the good things that came out of this tragedy, including the incredible people that stepped up in support of her and her family.

    Another friend who traveled to Cambodia recently told me about the absolute atrocities the people had experienced but how wonderful and giving they were.

    A client of mine spoke of a job she had thoroughly disliked but how much she had gained from it and how it ultimately contributed to her now being able to successfully follow her dream career.

    We can often hear stories on the news that demonstrate beauty in tragedy also.

    Just recently, when two hostages lost their life in a Sydney cafe, people rallied together to support and protect the Muslim community from revenge attacks with the #illridewithyou hashtag.

    Denise and Bruce Morcombe, the parents of Daniel Morcombe, who was abducted and murdered in 2003, have since dedicated their lives to increasing awareness and teaching children how to be safe. There have already been children who have used these skills to protect themselves in dangerous situations.

    After learning that she had cancer, Jane McGrath and her husband Glenn founded the McGrath Foundation to raise money to increase awareness of breast cancer and fund more breast care nurses in rural and regional Australia. This foundation has achieved so much since its establishment in 2002.

    Now of course these events are still tragic. They still hurt like all hell. And there is still seemingly no reason or purpose behind them. It still seems unfair and unjust how bad things happen to good people.

    But I personally take some comfort in the fact that so much goodness can stem from traumatic events like these.

    What lessons did your tough moments teach you about life, yourself, or others? Did any good things come from them? Can you take any comfort in the fact that they gifted you or others with something that may not have eventuated otherwise?

  • 7 Courageous Steps to Reconciling a Struggling Relationship

    7 Courageous Steps to Reconciling a Struggling Relationship

    Back to Back

    “Peace is not absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.” ~Ronald Reagan

    I have always had a tumultuous relationship with my mother. One filled with conflict, anger, and struggle.

    After years of non-communication, miscommunication, arguments, and fights, I realized it was time to reconcile what was left to whatever degree we were both capable.

    I had to let go of the past and get honest with myself—because whatever I was doing on my end was not only hurting our relationship, but also killing me from the inside out.

    I was crying out for resolution with my mother, not because I didn’t think I tried hard enough in the past, but because I knew I would regret it if I didn’t.

    This didn’t mean she would accept my feelings, or that we would suddenly become the best of friends. It was an opportunity to become the best versions of ourselves for this relationship—whatever that meant—whether we spoke every day about the weather or just on major holidays to say I love you.

    Now here I stand with a mother in my life and a relationship to go with it.

    And to be honest, it’s not the mother-daughter relationship I always wished for. But I am content and at peace with what we have now rather than what we didn’t have before.

    It’s a place where we can co-exist peacefully while respecting and loving one another.

    It is a relationship, and it took courage.

    Some relationships aren’t meant to be reconciled, and that’s okay. But that is a choice each of us must make. You must ask yourself, is this what I truly want? 

    The following seven steps contributed to the reconciliation of my relationship, and I hope they do the same for yours.

    1. Stop lying to yourself.

    If we lie to ourselves about what is okay and what is not, we are setting ourselves up for a major letdown.

    If something is not sitting right with you, don’t ignore it. Acknowledge your feelings, then promise yourself you’ll do something about it.

    My strained relationship with my mother was unsettling. I needed to acknowledge my feelings and make a plan of action to address it rather than ignore and repress.

    Once I became honest with myself, I felt a responsibility to confront the uneasiness inside. Doing so gave me a greater sense of control over myself rather than the issue having control over me.

    2. Be bold and make a move.

    Being assertive is a way of holding yourself accountable to the promise you made, and it’s the first proactive step toward letting the other person know you want resolution, not dissolution.

    I made the first step in contacting my mother. It wasn’t easy. I swallowed the big pill of pride I had in the bottom of my throat and trusted myself.

    I didn’t know if she would be receptive to me, but it was a risk I was willing to take.

    Making the first move to repair what’s broken isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of complete courage.

    3. Expose your guts.

    Being vulnerable is a way to display that you’re coming from a place of peace and honesty. It’s not always easy, but if a relationship is worth it, it won’t be as hard as you think.

    Stay committed to avoiding defensiveness. Tell yourself that you may experience some, along with resistance from the other person, but that’s okay.

    When speaking to my mother, I expressed my pain. It came from a pure place where I was able to be completely transparent to her in such a way that she could meet me for the first time, yet recognize all that was familiar to her.

    I was honest, loving, forgiving, and vulnerable; it was the only way to show my true self.

    4. Get vocal and keep an understanding ear.

    I confided in my mother about the effects our falling out was having on me. I say confide because I never told anyone else. No one else in my world could relate except my mom because she was hurting too.

    Listen to the other person. Just as you have your own perspective and experiences, so does the other person. There are no wrong or right feelings, so you must put yourself in their shoes.

    As hard as it was to hear the pain I had put my mom through, it gave me the clearest vision of what she had been experiencing. We were given an opportunity to understand and forgive each other.

    5. Make a deal.

    Be willing to give as well as take.

    Compromising is a fair and expressive way of giving your relationship love and attention.

    It doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your values or beliefs.

    It simply means that when both parties are asking for something, you’re both willing to give as much of yourselves that you are comfortable with, as well as take what you need in order to be happy.

    Just as I told my mother what I needed from our relationship, and what I would and wouldn’t stand for, she did the same. We compromised and agreed to give to each other in places where we felt we needed more support.

    6. Set your limits.

    A common misconception about boundaries is that they are meant to keep people or feelings out. That’s far from the truth.

    Boundaries are there to show respect to yourself and others.

    If something makes you uncomfortable, a boundary is set to tell others that it’s not okay to cross. You wouldn’t want to intentionally cross another’s boundary knowing it makes them uncomfortable, so why would you allow someone to do that to you?

    One of the biggest obstacles my mother and I had to overcome was our lack of boundaries. We ran all over each other as if respect didn’t exist—because, well, it didn’t.

    Once I established my boundaries, I felt safer. She communicated her boundaries, and it was as though a respect was born between us.

    Setting boundaries is key to earning and giving trust, which is the foundation of all healthy relationships.

    7. Follow through.

    The action of the relationship, especially when reconciling, is crucial. Trust has to be rebuilt, so the action needs to be seen as well as the words being heard.

    My phone calls and texts to my mother might seem like a minimal action to some, but for us, it’s major. It’s far more than we had in the past, and it’s what we said we would do, so we do it. It holds us accountable for keeping this relationship moving forward and not stagnating.

    Whatever the action, if you can make time to be fully immersed in your relationship when you’re together, it will create a sense of security and keep you moving forward.

    It’s worth it; now go for it.

    Relationships can feel like marathons, especially the difficult ones. They can feel like a race you can’t ever seem to win, but that usually means the techniques you’re using aren’t working.

    It’s okay to fall, fail, be wrong, get mad, and be frustrated. We are human. And as humans, we thrive and survive off of the relationships we make and maintain throughout our lifetimes.

    Give yourself and your relationship that chance to succeed. It’s not easy. It’s painful, it’s exhausting, and it’s humbling.

    But, man, it’s worth it.

    Imagine yourself running around the same track engulfed in a thick layer of fog for months, or even years. That’s your struggling relationship.

    Imagine how exhausted you feel. Imagine how you’re blinded from seeing anything else around you because you’re in the thick of it. Those are the issues in your relationship.

    But if you keep pushing through by following these seven courageous steps, it will pay off.

    Now, imagine yourself committing to that action and one fine day, after all your hard work, you run from the wet, pale fog into the warmth and light of the sun.

    And for the first time in a long time, you can see clearly all around you.

    You stop running and just breathe.

    That feeling of relief is the feeling I felt after reconciling with my mother, and it can be the relief you feel when you reconcile your struggling relationship.

    Back to back image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Ways To Declutter Your Mind For Clarity, Focus, Peace, and Balance

    10 Ways To Declutter Your Mind For Clarity, Focus, Peace, and Balance

    Man Meditating

    “Life is as simple or complicated as we make it.” Donna Smallin

    The dreaded “C” word. Clutter.

    We all deal with it. In some part of our world, we face it: be it in our closets, in our offices, or even in our bodies. But the most distracting and debilitating cluttered space is in our heads.

    You know the feeling. Driving on autopilot to work. Forgetting important dates. Leaving the water running or the stove on. Stumbling over words, unable to make a point.

    When we’re caught up in our heads, distracted by worry or fear, we’re not present or clear-headed. And when we’re not clear-headed, we lose the connection to ourselves, our environment, and our lives.

    Mental clutter pulls us off center, disrupting our balance. It can get so jumbled and disorderly up there that we end up lost in la la land.

    Clearing Clutter At The Root

    Fortunately for me, I grew up in a big, loving family. However, a big family tends to hold all sorts of clutter. Raised with four siblings sharing one bathroom, one TV, and one telephone, let’s just say it got ugly. Probably didn’t help that Mom was a shopaholic and Dad was a packrat.

    The claustrophobia of my childhood left me wanting to live clutter-free.

    It wasn’t until my college years away from home that I started noticing how my mind was the cause of any clutter I carried with me; nothing and no one else was to blame.

    After a huge quarter-life crisis, I saw how I was compromising my own clarity and life balance with my own head-trash—the junk I kept upstairs.

    I then made a conscious choice to declutter my life, starting at the root of it all—my mind.

    But how do you begin to clear away the clutter you can’t see?

    Decluttering the mind requires us to become intentional on where we place our attention and how we spend our time and energy.

    Here are some tips to help you do that.

    1. Keep a gratitude log.

    Gratitude is appreciating what you have. It’s saying that what you have is enough. Taking time every day to consider your blessings will help bring balance to your life. It’s hard to be grateful and angry at the same time.

    Spend five minutes every day to note at least five things you’re grateful for. Some ideas: time with a friend, an award at school, your seatbelt, your breath, the colors in the park, and even the nourishing beauty of a rainy day.

    2. Journal.

    Whether digitally or with paper, journaling is a wonderful release of pent-up thought. By writing down your thoughts, worries, hopes, and experiences, you are finding respite from the chatter inside your head.

    Even though you’re still thinking of these things as you write, it’s like you’re observing the situation from ten feet away, no longer completely absorbed in the emotionality of it.

    Try to journal every day for however long it takes to feel peace on a topic. The more you do it, the faster the peace comes. Like in therapy, simply letting it out is healing because we’re relieved of the burden of keeping it all inside.

    3. Laugh.

    Laughter has been proven to be the best medicine for relieving stress. It eases defensiveness, lightens your emotional load, and lifts stress off your shoulders. It brings balance to your psyche because laughter is presence.

    Practice not taking yourself so seriously and laugh more often. Really laugh. A deep, hearty, Santa laugh. Watch comedies, hang out with funny friends, go to a comedy club, read the Sunday comic strips, or play with your kids or your dog. With so many options, stress doesn’t stand a chance.

    4. Zone out.

    Take time to rest your mind every day. Let your mind shut off from having to process, apply, or interpret information. This means no TV, no conversation, no reading, and no problem solving.

    Take a break from the chores, from the duties of the day. Let the breath come and go naturally, and the eyes roam wherever they want.

    Look at the trees sway, the clouds float, the stars shimmer. Afterward, when it comes time to work, you’ll find focus more easily than before your mini-retreat.

    5. Control your media intake.

    Watching or listening to anything and everything just because it’s on doesn’t bode well for your psyche. Subtle opinions, biases, and judgments creep into your mind and embed thought structures. Oblivious, you then form opinions that aren’t your own, simply because you heard it on the radio.

    Start really paying attention to the noise that you let seep into your eyes and ears. Ask, Is this benefitting my life in any way?

    6. Get creative.

    As often as possible, connect with your inner child by exploring your imagination. Let curiosity lead. When it comes to opportunities to get creative, there are plenty! A few of my faves: puzzles, coloring, drawing, singing, dancing, and even making a meal from scratch.

    The point is to get lost in awe and wonder like you did at five years old. When you achieve that feeling from a certain activity, keep doing it!

    7. Exercise.

    Move. Sweat. Stretch. Get active and get your endorphins going! Exercise helps control your weight, prevent illness, boost energy, and improve your mood. It helps you sleep better, feel better, and focus better.

    Find an activity that inspires you to raise your heart rate—dance, yoga, martial arts, running, walking, whatever. If maintain some level of frequent activity, it will serve your health and well-being for years to come.

    8. Get clear on your priorities.

    To figure out your top priorities, list your goals, your motivations, and those relationships that matter most to you. Then rank them in order of importance to your well-being. These are the things, respectively, that you’ll want to spend the most time on.

    Evaluate anything that comes between you and your priorities—is it worth you compromising on what matters most?

    9. Do something kind for another person.

    The late Zig Ziglar said, “You’ll get everything you want if you help others get what they want.” Whatever we feel is lacking in a situation is something we’re not giving. And anytime we feel lack or longing, we’re out of balance.

    Sounds counterintuitive, but if you want to see more of something in your life, start giving that thing away—be it love, money, or attention.

    Make it a point every day to be kind with your actions, your words, and especially your thoughts.

    If you don’t feel genuinely moved to lend a helping hand or pass along a compliment, simply smile instead. That act alone is enough to improve your mood and clear the mental blockage between you and compassion.

    10. Let go.

    Since when does worrying get you anywhere? Release those useless, negative thoughts of worry. When we do this regularly, we drastically reduce the amount of “stuff” that needs our attention and depletes our energy.

    Drawers and cabinets are not the only areas that need tidying. Our minds are full of thoughts in the form of judgments, expectations, and fears that blind us from the truth. Try monitoring your mind and replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. You’ll soon notice a change in your entire outlook on life.

    Maintaining A Balanced Life

    Life’s full of surprises. We control how we respond to them, and the best way to strike a balance is to roll with the punches and go with the flow. Life’s unpredictable course is our opportunity to meet surprises with acceptance and grace.

    It helps to have an open mind.

    Your turn: What are some ways you find clarity, focus, and balance in life?

    Meditating man image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Weighing Yourself Down with Emotional Junk Food

    How to Stop Weighing Yourself Down with Emotional Junk Food

    Woman Jumping

    “Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” ~Rumi

    I want to feel better. Who doesn’t? Yoga makes me feel better most of the time, but if I am being totally honest, I don’t always choose the healthy option. In fact, sometimes I pick the worst thing for me.

    For me, a plate of BBQ wings really hits the spot. That is, until a few hours later when the salt and protein load kicks in and I feel terrible. Again.

    While I may oscillate between healthy and unhealthy choices for my body, I know how to get fit through gyms, diet programs, and physicians.

    But what about my steady diet of junk food thoughts? How do I stop consuming them and focus on a healthier emotional diet?

    Junk Food Thoughts

    Everyone knows about the negative effects of an unhealthy lifestyle, but no one teaches us about the negative health effects of our thoughts.

    Worry, stress, anxiety, guilt, shame, and fear are the potato chips, processed foods, and chocolate cake of our emotional life. As satisfying as they may feel in the moment, their negative effects are just as toxic.

    And, like we have particular food cravings, we have particular thought cravings.

    My First Emotional Cleanse

    I built a healthcare company and sold it to a Fortune 500 eleven years later. In 2006, I made the decision to change my career and pursue a path toward my passions.

    As I attempted to discover my true desires, I came face to face with my emotional junk food and its effects. I felt terrible, I felt weighed down, and I could not figure out why.

    Like my craving for a plate of BBQ wings, I craved certain thoughts when I faced the decision to leave my job:

    I cannot leave.
    I have to keep my job.
    What am I going to do all day?
    I am going to be so bored.
    I went from $15,000 a year to an executive salary and stock options. Who leaves that?
    My parents will never understand or support this decision.
    There is something else out there for me.
    What if I am wrong and this decision destroys everything I have worked for? 

    The thoughts that I was unaware of were as toxic as the foods I know to avoid. A thought—a single sentence—stood in the way of the life I desired.

    How to Stop Consuming Unhealthy Thoughts

    Tune into your thoughts.

    You cannot stop the negative effects of these thoughts without awareness of their existence. What are your go-to junk food thoughts? What do you tell yourself when you consider changing a relationship, a job, or any other important area of your life?

    What is the exact language? Just like you may love a certain brand of chocolate or a certain type of potato chip, you will have exact language for your emotional craving.

    Accept their destructive effects on your health.

    One sentence can stand between you and your goals. A sentence—a set of words—becomes a belief. This belief will drive your actions. As simple as this is in concept, in practice, changing a few words can change your life. If you change the belief, you can change your actions.

    In my case, removing one sentence, “I can’t leave my job,” changed my life.

    Trade in your junk food thoughts for nutritious thoughts.

    What nutritious foods do you like? Kale? Salads? Smoothies? Veggies and hummus? Likewise, what nutritional thoughts do you like?

    Replace junk food thoughts with nutritional thoughts and free yourself to pursue your dreams.

    Some examples of nutritional thoughts:

    Are you avoidant?

    Today, I will step forward.
    I believe in my abilities.
    I am ready.
    I will take one action a day until I complete my goal.

    Are you angry with someone?

    Today, I will have compassion.
    Anger is poison.
    When others hurt me, they are in pain and I have tapped into my pain.
    I don’t personalize other people’s pain.

    Are you holding on to resentments?

    Today, I will let go.
    Resentments have no value.
    Letting go does not mean I accept this person into my life.
    I am not a victim.

    Are you always behind and do your lists have lists?

    Today, I choose me.
    I will schedule one thing for myself today: a massage, a manicure, a workout, or a quiet room with a book.
    This is my life.
    I drive the choices I make with my time, even if it does not feel like it.

    —

    I wanted to leave my job and step into a career that was more aligned with my passion. One day, I discovered my problem was not the mundane details involved in changing jobs. It was the deep craving for my destructive thoughts.

    This time I reached for a healthier option:

    It is my right to follow my passions
    I am going to write, even if it is not perfect.
    I trust that my path will become clear, even if it is not obvious now.

    With these simple sentences, I changed my career and found the passion in my life that I really craved.

    I still struggle to make healthy choices, but now I understand that I have to forego my favorite BBQ wings and resist my favorite junk food thoughts.

    Jumping woman image via Shutterstock

  • We Can Be Positive Without Repressing Our Emotions

    We Can Be Positive Without Repressing Our Emotions

    “I’m stronger because of the hard times, wiser because of my mistakes, and happier because I have known sadness.” ~Unknown

    One day at my part-time job, my supervisor told me that my boss wanted to talk to me. This was completely unexpected, so I was a bit concerned. Everything had been going so incredibly smoothly in my life for the past week or two, and all I wanted was to keep that oh-so-wonderful peacefulness going.

    But when I came into her office, I knew in my entire being that something was off. My stomach clinched up and I could feel my heart starting to sink down to my feet. As she spoke the words, “We are cutting your position, so we don’t need you anymore” I could feel my body wilting.

    It was as if I were a flower that had just been placed out in the middle of the Sierra Desert without any water or trees in sight.

    I could feel the tears in my eyes begin to emerge. I quickly resisted and held them in to maintain my composure and professionalism.

    As I drove home and began to tell my boyfriend, friends, and family what had happened, I noticed that I continued to maintain this composure. No crying. No tears.

    This was a bit weird for me, as in the past year or two it had been incredibly easy for me to breakdown and cry whenever I felt upset, stressed, or overwhelmed with emotion.

    The next day, I shared my bad news once again with some peers. In that sharing I noticed something that I was doing: Every time sadness came up in my being, I denied it by making a comment like, “But this is good because…” or “Well, the good thing is that…”

    I was restricting my emotions with my insistent thoughts telling me to focus on the positive.

    In a world where New-Age positivity is running rampant in the self-help or self-improvement sections of bookstores, it can be easy for us to get so caught up in the “be positive” mindset that we end up repressing our emotions.

    In repressing our true emotions, we end up hurting ourselves more than we would have if we simply expressed them from the get-go.

    However, at the same time, positivity is certainly not a bad thing. Striving to look on the bright side can help us reduce stress and accomplish things that wouldn’t have been able to if we had been sitting around sulking in self-pity, despair, or negativity for weeks or months.

    So, how can we manage to find a balance of living in a positive mindset while still being true to our own emotions?

    When the feeling emerges, just let it out!

    Yes, there may be some circumstances where you may need to wait a bit, but be sure to let it out. If you feel a surge of sadness come over you, cry it out. If you need to talk about your feelings, confide in someone you trust.

    Don’t tell yourself to “look on the bright side.” Don’t tell yourself to focus on all the positive things.

    Just accept the feeling that you are experiencing and allow yourself to release it. You’ll notice that you feel better in doing so.

    When the feelings feel “cleared,” speak to yourself kindly and positively.

    If you lost your job, tell yourself throughout the day, “I am capable of getting another job” or “I may find something even more fulfilling.”

    If you’ve just gone through a break-up, tell yourself, “I am worthy of a supportive relationship” or “I am creating loving relationships in my life.”

    Shifting negative, worrisome thoughts to more empowering ones can help us gradually shift our energy from negative to positive.

    Many self-help authors tell us to “be positive” because having a positive attitude helps us get more out of life. People are attracted to positive energy. And positivity helps keep us motivated to continue doing the things we need to do.

    Remember that some feelings are going to linger—and that’s okay!

    Even if you think you cried it all out or talked it through sufficiently, your feelings may linger.

    You’re always going to experience sadness, worry, anger, and so on. It’s part of being human.

    So remember to acknowledge and accept that. Though there are certainly positive, happy, successful people out there, know that they still have their low moments and hard days too.

    The key to dealing with them successfully is to completely accept whatever you’re feeling, and consciously choose to work through it so you can let it go.

  • When Your Struggle Has Become Your Identity: How to Rediscover Yourself

    When Your Struggle Has Become Your Identity: How to Rediscover Yourself

    Lonely Girl

    “It ain’t what they call you. It’s what you answer to.” ~W.C. Fields

    For much of my life, I have struggled against the after effects of unresolved childhood trauma.

    For years, I didn’t even know how much of an issue it was. I thought it was completely normal to expect the worst or avoid intimacy like the plague.

    When I finally dragged myself into a therapist’s office and was diagnosed with “significant, complex trauma,” I initially felt free.

    And I admit, it was freeing. I now knew that this “thing” that I had been dealing with my entire life wasn’t just the result of me being “broken” or “born that way,” but it was a significant, understandable, and more importantly treatable response to a less than ideal childhood.

    I was flying high for a while as I attempted to recover with every type of self-help trick out there.

    But then came the fog. Somewhere in the mix I began to break down as I realized the true impact of what my therapist had told me. My entire identity up until that point in my life had been formed around that trauma. I didn’t know who I was without it.

    What did I like to do in my free time? What did I like eating? What was my favorite color, even? Was I funny, or was I more serious? As it turned out I had a lot to learn about myself, and I was going to have to start from scratch.

    I wish I could speak to you from atop a mountain of wisdom, but I can’t. I’m still in the process of figuring it all out. But there are a few things that have helped me remain strong and encouraged through the entire process.

    Release the struggle.

    This is, of course, easier said than done, but it is one of the most important parts of making peace with your past and untangling the trauma.

    The identity and narrative that was forced upon me was one of defeat and self-hate. I stuck to the narrative because that’s all I knew. I might as well have been introducing myself as “the girl whose parents don’t love her,” and “the girl who has failed to secure any meaningful, intimate relationships.”

    Realize, as I did, that the narrative is not yours. It is not your name. It is not what you have to answer to. There’s more to you. So much more. How are you going to start introducing yourself?

    Start from a place you know.

    For many of us—myself included—the onset of trauma was at a very early age, and it can be scary to try and delve into that. But “starting from a place you know” doesn’t necessarily mean the beginning of your life. It simply means picking a place to make your beginning.

    It could be the first time you remember laughing out loud or any positive memory that you have. What were you doing then? How did you feel? Who were you with? What could that experience be saying about you? This can be a great first step on your journey to discovery.

    Start from a place you don’t know.

    Seems like contradictory advice after the last point, right? But in a way, not knowing who you are can give rise to the most unexpected blessings.

    Many people have either defined themselves—or been defined by others—from day one. Some people live their entire lives this way, without ever feeling the desire or a reason to change. But you? You’re a blank canvas now, in a world full of paint. This is your chance to start creating a version of you that feels right.

    Remember what you have gained.

    As we begin this process of self-discovery, it can be very easy to get hung up on how wrong everything is, or was. Despite making significant gains (and if you’re reading this post, you probably already have!), you might find yourself focusing on what is still wrong.

    Take some time out of your day to remember how far you’ve come. Are you less anxious today than you were yesterday? Score! Did you discover a new interest but haven’t worked up the courage to try it yet? That’s still progress. The scoreboard is on your side, because we are counting wins, not losses in this game.

    Have patience.

    Patience, I admit, is pretty much a foreign language to me. I can’t pretend to be great at having it, but I will say, as hard as it is to have, it is absolutely necessary in this process.

    Discovering your new identity will take time. I’m talking months, even years. It can (and will!) seem like a wild goose chase at times, but the key is to remain patient and trust in the good work you are doing. Your efforts will be recognized.

    Take a break.

    As much as I have made my mental health a priority over the past year, it can be exhausting to feel like you have a huge problem you must fix looming over your shoulders at all times. This can lead to obsessive thoughts and dissatisfaction with your progress.

    It is important to stay focused on healing, but it is also important to get out of your own head sometimes. Throw yourself into work for a while. Get involved in an intense project to take your mind off yourself. These things help too, and keeping yourself productive is never a bad thing.

    Above all, the most important thing to keep in mind—and the thing that I keep learning every day—is that our greatest revelations don’t exactly show up in a nice, well-wrapped gift box. That would be great, right? But fortunately for us, they reveal themselves slowly, carefully, and right on time.

    As long as we stay the course, we’ll be able to see the new truths and lessons waiting for us further down the road.

    I wish you luck in your journey! Keep the faith.

  • How To Move Forward When You Feel Paralyzed by Uncertainty

    How To Move Forward When You Feel Paralyzed by Uncertainty

    “When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    A woman in a relationship that is breaking her spirit might remain there for fear of what leaving will bring.

    She doesn’t know if she will find another to care for her, and having a warm body is better than having no one. The uncertainty about whether or not she will survive that decision, and be happier for it, keeps her there.

    I know the harsh clutches of uncertainty all too well. It wasn’t long ago that I waffled and wavered about every decision I faced, feeling afraid to make one for fear that some mistakes cannot be undone.

    I resisted relationships because loving led to marriage and then divorce. I resisted starting my business because seven out of every ten businesses fail. I refused to quit the job because it was the only way I thought I could succeed.

    I allowed myself to fall in love only when I was certain that he loved me more and would stay. To ensure that it worked, I planned every detail of the relationship and the wedding.

    Feeling doubtful that this relationship was truly the one I wanted, I was unhappy and silently praying for something to happen to help me out. But I stayed the course because at least I knew what would happen next; I had it all planned.

    My awakening came when my engagement fell apart and there was nothing that I could do about it. I broke into a million pieces. I lost twenty pounds in one week and wept until there were no more tears.

    I had placed a certain level of trust in things working out and was certain that it would. The experience left me paralyzed because “I had it all planned.” What was I supposed to do then?

    I woke up daily gasping for air, knowing I’d go to work where I’d help people and come home to a crumbled life. It was then I knew that if I didn’t move I would die.

    I fought against the emotional pain of the break-up and decided that I would have no more of it. I quit my two jobs, went home, and began packing my bags.

    Two months later I sold my belongings, counted out the little savings I had stashed away for a safety net, and moved back to Jamaica to be with my family.

    I had no fear about what would happen; I had been so fearful for so long and life happened anyway. All I knew was that I needed to have a hand in my own life, to be an intentional co-creator of my reality, to accept uncertainty as a friend.

    So how do you move forward in uncertainty?

    1. Accept that at the root of uncertainty is a fear of failure.

    We’re not afraid that we don’t really know what’s going to happen tomorrow. We’re afraid that what happens tomorrow will be so painful that we won’t survive it. We have already created a worst-case scenario in our minds, and the likelihood of it becoming reality is what really keeps us bound, not uncertainty itself.

    Action Step: Examine your uncertainty. What lies at its root? What emotion comes up when you think about doing the thing that you’re uncertain about?

    2. Understand that failure is a natural part of life, and embracing uncertainty is key to defeating failure.

    Everybody fails, and failure holds the best opportunities for growth. When we succeed without experiencing failure, our account is narrow. A person who can speak to both failure and success has a much more textured life and can help others navigate both waters.

    For every success story that you hear, there are at least ten stories of failure to supplement it.

    Action Step: Talk with someone who you view as successful and ask about the times that they have failed.

    3. Embrace the idea that nothing is completely within your control.

    We saunter into the world daily, ignoring the many risks that we encounter. When we step out the door, we take an enormous leap of faith that we will get to our destination. We trust that other motorists are as diligent as we are. We hope that no one decides to harm us. We assume that we are healthy and nothing will happen to us.

    We hedge our bets with the universe, forgetting that nothing is guaranteed. It is just as likely that you will survive your break-up as it is that you will find another partner. It is just as likely that your business will succeed as it is that it will fail. Life is about taking risks, and without uncertainty, surprises would not exist.

    Action Step: Make note of everything that requires trust in the uncertain. Some of them are automatic, such as driving. Note the times you rely on others to make decisions in your best interest. What are you really in control of?

    4. Be willing to open up to the universe.

    When we release our expectations of what should happen for us, we allow the universe to deliver in ways far beyond our wildest dreams. By dwelling in uncertainty, we limit the space in which the universe has to work.

    Approaching the unknown with openness breeds a multiplicity of experiences that strengthen our resolve and help us grow. I learned my best lessons when I relinquished control.

    I quickly came to understand that in order for me to grow, I had to let go and leap. By choosing to remain paralyzed, I was choosing to rob myself of some of the best experiences of my life, like a new relationship that supports my growth and my beautiful daughter who helps me appreciate life.

    Action Step: Take a situation that you are uncertain about and imagine what could happen if it turns out ten times better than you hope it will. What emotions would you have attached to that experience? How would releasing expectation free you?

    5. “Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens.”

    This quote by Epictetus is an excellent piece of advice. It provides a clear path through uncertainty—taking one step at a time. Sometimes we look at the first step as insufficient, but all you need is one step.

    Once you take that step, the next step becomes easier, and so on. Having too definite a path can serve to block opportunities disguised as surprises.

    Action Step: Think back on all the experiences in which you only saw the first step. How did they turn out? Was the second step anything that you could have predicted?

    6. Take your worst-case scenario and dissect it, asking “what if?”

    “What if?” is a powerful question. It primes us for possibilities and allows us to examine the constancy of our reality. If we are fully devoted to the process, asking “what if” can challenge our perceptions of what is possible for us.

    So what if you did quit your job and had no money? Would you be forced to use talents that you have kept hidden? Would you face your fear of asking for favors?

    What if you left the relationship and didn’t find someone right away? Would you sit with yourself getting to know the you that you forgot in that relationship? Is the worst thing that could happen truly that bad?

    Action Step: Complete this activity with a trusted friend and continue until you can’t think of anything worse. Build a scenario of survival and thriving from your rock bottom.

    7. Keep moving forward.

    Nothing beats uncertainty like facing your fears. Moving forward brings you face to face with risk but also with hope.

    Your life is not the same as it was last year, nor will it be the same tomorrow. When you make an intentional choice to embrace uncertainty, you take back your power. Not only will you be at peace with what may come, you will also have released your attachment to things going exactly as planned.

    Action Step: If you are facing a paralyzing fear of the uncertain, your best bet is to take a step forward. Everyone has experienced the negative effects of uncertainty. The majority has thrived. You are not alone and you can do it.

    What steps have you taken when faced with paralyzing uncertainty? How did you move through it?

  • What to Do When You Know What You Want but Feel Stuck

    What to Do When You Know What You Want but Feel Stuck

    Stuck

    “What is the meaning of life? To be happy and useful.” ~Dalai Lama

    Five years ago I had a brilliant idea. Since I was pretty good with social media, I decided to start my own business helping companies develop their online presence.

    My goal was to work for myself, and the plan was that I’d quit my job, travel the world, create my own schedule, and earn a living doing something I’d seen others have a great deal of success doing.

    After spending weeks brainstorming I came up with the perfect name for my company. I wrote my mission statement, designed a logo, and purchased business cards. I took as many courses as I could in social media marketing and signed up for every newsletter available on the topic.

    At the time I thought my goals were clear. But after spending hundreds of dollars setting up the company and countless hours reading articles and taking trainings, I felt completely stuck.

    Every time I’d try to talk about my mission, I felt like a fraud. Every time I’d try to reach out to potential clients, something would stop me. I couldn’t even blog about social media marketing because my mind would go completely blank.

    After several months I decided to step away from the business and spend time volunteering in Brazil. It didn’t take long to gain clarity about what the issues were.

    For starters, just because I understand how social media marketing works doesn’t mean it’s something I should be dedicating my life and time to doing.

    I also realized that my reasons for starting this particular business had very little to do with bringing value to others, or even with my personal goals.

    I felt like a fraud because I wasn’t being authentic, and as long as I felt that way, I knew I’d continue seeking outside of myself for answers from trainings, articles, and books.

    It became clear that social media marketing was not what I truly wanted to do. It could potentially be a means to an end—an easy way to make money to facilitate the life I wanted—but that was missing the point completely.

    Yes, I wanted the freedom to create my own schedule and travel the world, but more importantly I wanted to feel fulfilled and contribute to something outside of myself.

    So let’s say you have a goal and know what you want. This can be a personal or professional goal. You wrote a mission statement and got together all the necessary “stuff” you think you need, but for some reason you can’t seem to move forward.

    Take a step back and ask yourself what’s really going on. Externally, you may have everything you need, but internally something probably isn’t adding up. Here are six steps to help you move forward:

    1. Be clear.

    Most people think they know what they want, but when they close their eyes they can’t visualize what that really looks like. Oftentimes, they can’t even verbalize what they want in a way that makes sense.

    If your “mission statement” contains a lot of fluff and jargon, this is a sign that you aren’t clear.

    If all you see are logos, titles, mission statements, and web designs, it’s time to dig a little deeper. How do you want to feel when you accomplish this goal, and what will the result look like once it’s completed? What value will this bring to you and those around you?

    2. Understand your “why.”

    “Why” is your reason for wanting to work toward this specific goal. It’s your motivation for starting on this journey, and it will continue to be the factor that pushes you through the moments when things become difficult or scary.

    Without a clear “why,” it becomes easy to lose focus, make excuses, and become stuck.

    What painful problem will accomplishing this goal solve for you, and “why” is that important?

    When I decided to start my own business, I was working in a job where I could no longer grow and felt completely unsupported and underutilized. My real “why” for wanting to start my own business was that I wanted to contribute to something outside of myself and bring value to others.

    3. Focus.

    Once you’re clear about what you want and the “why” behind it, it’s important to focus 100% of your attention on it. All aspects of your life are intertwined, and every decision you make is either in alignment with that vision or not. So even small and seemingly unrelated decisions will have an impact on your goal.

    Yes, your exercise habits impact your work performance, your personal relationships impact your sleep, and your decision to have a cup of coffee in the morning impacts your ability to focus on your mission.

    If something you’re doing isn’t in alignment with your greater vision, you need to be clear with why you’re doing it.

    4. Be willing to have difficult conversation and make difficult decisions.

    Difficult isn’t “bad.” In fact, when you’re clear about what you’re working toward, these “difficult” situations become purpose driven because they’re in service of a higher purpose.

    “Difficult” is often synonymous with “scary.” Embrace “scary” because it often means you’re at a breakthrough point. You’re stepping into the unknown, surrendering to something outside of yourself, and trusting in something greater.

    Walking away from my stable job was scary. Walking away from the business I’d started was even scarier. These were “difficult” yet necessary decisions to help me gain clarity on my real life goals.

    5. Let go of “Plan B.”

    While having a backup plan (or multiple) can be tempting, and even seem “responsible,” it’s often nothing more than a safety net. “Plan B” is your first loser, your second place option. But why have a goal if you’re willing to settle for second best?

    Having a “Plan B” will remove some of your urgency toward “Plan A.” It also means that you have to split some of your efforts away from your primary goal to ensure that your backup plan remains in tact.

    But if you really believe in what you’re doing, any energy that’s not being used in direct support of that primary mission is energy not well spent.

    When I decided to start my own business, I also decided to leave my job. While this was a scary decision, by not having that stable job to fall back on, I was pushed to get creative and find other ways to maintain my lifestyle while I gained clarity. This is how I ended up as a volunteer in Brazil.

    6. Show up and do the work.

    Words have power, so stop referring to yourself as “stuck,” “lost,” “unmotivated,” and as a “procrastinator.”

    Do the work to gain clarity on your goal and your why, then focus. Spend time visualizing what the outcome of your hard work will look and feel like, then use your words and actions to demonstrate your intention, belief in, and commitment to your purpose.

    Instead of calling yourself “stuck,” “lost,” “unmotivated,” and a “procrastinator,” start referring to yourself as focused, driven, motivated, and excited. If you’re going to do something, really do it—or don’t. But don’t live somewhere in between.

    —

    Spending time working in Brazil was a huge eye opener. By volunteering, I was contributing to something outside of myself and as a result felt more fulfilled and purpose-driven.

    As it turns out, it doesn’t matter if you have a website, logo, or business cards; if you want to live a meaningful life, you have to learn from your personal experiences, show up, and provide real value.

    Stuck image via Shutterstock

  • Why We Should Stop Trying

    Why We Should Stop Trying

    Boy Relaxing

    “If only we’d stop trying to be happy, we could have a pretty good time.” ~Edith Wharton

    Several years ago a well-known Zen Master accepted me as a long distance student. In one of our first email exchanges I wrote, “Dear Teacher, I am trying to sit every day for thirty minutes and in my practice I am trying to follow my breath.”

    “Please,” he wrote back, “stop trying. You are your breath.”

    I remember reading his words and feeling perplexed, confused, almost annoyed. What in the world did he mean? Wasn’t it obvious that we had no choice but to be our breath?

    Weren’t we all breathing beings? And how did “being breath” in the end relate to my life, to my meditation, to my hope of becoming a better human being, to my daily chores of diapers and laundry?

    When my teacher’s words arrived, getting to the mat was a huge effort. My meditation was at the mercy of my three young kids and my husband, who had to agree to watch them for the half-hour I would shut myself in the basement.

    Most of the time I found myself making “deals” such as: “If you watch the kids for me, I’ll watch them for you while you go running” or “I promise I’ll do all the cooking and the dishes tonight!”

    Once I finally managed to get to the meditation mat, I would set the timer and start counting my breath: one (breathe in), two (breathe out), three (breathe in), four (breathe out), five (breathe in), six (breathe out), seven (breathe in)…

    Needless to say, my thoughts would immediately jump in and I would find myself losing track of my breath and my counting. I would have to start back from number one, only to see the distractions appear all over again. I don’t remember ever getting to number ten.

    Not only was carving out thirty minutes for meditation a huge effort, even the apparently simple task of counting the breaths revealed itself to be an exhausting endeavor.

    I knew at an intuitive level that it shouldn’t have been like that—I knew that my teacher was right—but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what I was doing wrong.

    It took me eight year  and many major life crises, failures, losses, and illnesses to understand the meaning of his words.

    Now that my life has fallen apart like I never thought it would or could, I know what my Zen teacher meant: I was trying too hard.

    I can now see that in my meditation I was not actually “following” my breath. I was trying, very hard, to catch it. I was chasing it. I was trying to grasp it, trying to hold onto it, trying to make it fit into my orderly numbered, counting boxes.

    I was trying so hard to reign it in. I was trying so hard to control it.

    Once I realized that, it only took a moment of self-honesty and one quick look at myself to see how that same impulse to control my breath was operating in all aspects of my life.

    I was “trying” to be a good mom and always promptly responded to my kids’ needs, even when their needs could have probably waited just a bit longer—enough, maybe, to give me a chance to finish a chore or a much treasured cup of tea.

    I was “trying” to be a good wife and “tried” to always be available for conversation, even when all I wanted and most needed was some quiet time to myself or simply some peace to concentrate on cooking dinner.

    I was “trying” to be the do-it-all woman and took on a full-time teaching job, one hour away, while still teaching evening music classes.

    I was “trying” to keep the social life of the family rich and fun and took on social commitments during the weekend even though most of it needed to be spent cleaning the house or going to church with the family.

    Just like I did with my breathing, I was chasing my life in the attempt to reign it in, to catch it, to grasp it in the hope of gaining some control over it.

    It took seizures and a diagnosis of Temporal Lobe Epilepsy (which also meant the loss of my job and the end of my career as a music teacher), a messy divorce, two moves in less then a year, financial uncertainty, and more losses of friends to finally admit that I just could not “try” anymore.

    I could no longer make my life unfold the way I wanted it to unfold or make it look the way I thought it should look.

    I could no longer “try” to make people happy; I could no longer be what I thought they wanted me to be.

    I desperately wanted healing, and yet I didn’t even have the physical strength or the mental clarity to begin to mend the broken pieces of my shattered life.

    Unlike Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love), I could not take off and go on a retreat in India in the hope to find my own lost self; my three kids and dogs needed me. Nor could I go to Italy to be with my friends and family.

    Instead, I found myself completely alone after having lost the entire social circle I shared with my husband, and after moving to a small apartment in a struggling small city where I had no connections whatsoever.

    There I had no choice but to confront my brokenness and aloneness; there I had to accept all the limitations of my new life, and as Charles Bukowski says in his poem “Alone,” there, I had to learn my walls, I had to accept them and learn to love them.

    It turned out that, for me, the only way out of my darkness was not to escape it but to plunge right into it.

    Among the walls of my apartment I found myself gravitating to the mat again only to find out this time that I couldn’t even physically sit. I had so much emotional pain stuck in my abdomen and chest that I couldn’t even feel my breathing.

    Since the only way I could become aware of my breath was by lying down, I decided to meditate in a supine position, shavasana style.

    Once I gave myself the permission to do that, something great happened: I experienced gravity, and gravity held and healed me. My abdomen relaxed. I could finally feel my belly muscles rising and falling; I could finally feel my breath.

    With gravity’s healing support, I could then observe the breath; I could notice it, witness it.

    In my brokenness I had to finally let go of control, surrendered to whatever my life was and had become, trusting that the breath of life would take me where I needed to be, every day, every moment.

    That was only few months ago and now I am finally able to sit on my meditation pillow.

    Following the breath is also quite a different experience. When I sit, I am able to be a viewer, an observer. I watch my breath, I watch what it’s doing, I observe its rhythm, its ups and downs, its ins and outs, and I just let it be. I accept it with all its irregularities. I just let it do its thing.

    I am not sure yet how all of this is getting played out in my life. One thing I have learned, however, is that letting go of how we think our life should be and letting ourselves fall, maybe even backward, into radical self-acceptance and radical self-love are gifts to be treasured—even if those gifts come through harsh life lessons and losses.

    Some of us were lucky enough to come into the world with those gifts built into our system. Some of us have to consciously make an effort and work hard at cultivating them—sometimes at creating them, sculpting them from the raw matter of our mistakes and failures, inventing them out of nothingness because nothing or too little was given to us.

    But that, in my opinion, is where it’s worth trying. That is an effort worth making—one that will not assure us of a smooth ride but that might bring us to a place of inner peace, joy, appreciation, and gratitude, where a lasting transformation might actually happen.

    And then, after we stop trying so hard to chase “happiness,” to control life and make it look the way it ought to look, then we can probably begin to have a pretty good time.

    Boy relaxing image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Tips to Love and Support Yourself and Become a Happier You

    6 Tips to Love and Support Yourself and Become a Happier You

    Closeup of Smiling Woman

    “Awaken; return to yourself” ~Marcus Aurelius

    Darkness. Resentment. Detachment. Extreme discomfort.

    Those are the words I would use to describe my internal experience during my adolescent years up to young adulthood.

    Depression was something I was all too familiar with. Fear was running my life and I was exhausted. I now understand that a lot of it had to do with the dysfunctional family I grew up in and the pain that ensued.

    Determined to break this unhealthy way of being, I’ve been on a road of healing and self-growth over the past few years.

    However, my transition into a stronger relationship with myself really kicked into gear after my heart got broken for the first time. But it didn’t just get broken—it got completely shredded. Little did I know this would be the best thing that had ever happened to me.

    As I was deep into the break-up process, I was awakened by the fact that I had completely abandoned myself in the relationship. My confidence was low, I had no self-worth, and I relied on the one I loved to save me and carry me.

    I became delusional about the reality of my relationship and the man I was in love with.

    Harsh realization to come to terms with, but that was my starting point.

    Eventually, I was able to slowly put myself back out into the world. I kept running into situations that led me to discover all of these core values I was lacking in the relationship.

    After a few months of insightful encounters, I came to understand the path I was on: building a stronger, healthier relationship with myself.

    Even though I was going through heartbreak, I felt lighter, different. It was weird. After a while everything seemed to have “clicked” and kept progressing.

    From that point on I became devoted to myself. I was determined to rely on myself for the things I was constantly depending on other people/outside sources for. Below are the steps that helped me move toward myself.

    1. Practice self-compassion.

    Get to know this. Make it your new religion. This is the core for a stronger relationship with yourself because it creates a gentler tone within you.

    Self-compassion helps you acknowledge when you’re going through a hard time and release judgments toward yourself, which then opens you up to self-love.

    Even though it was hard, I practiced this during my break-up. I would put my hand on my heart and say things such as, “You poor thing, this is such an incredible amount of pain to deal with. This hurts so bad.” And I’d stay with that pain for a moment.

    I’d then finish off by reminding myself that I’m doing the best I can right now and I’m actually handling the situation really well.

    Doing this gave me the courage to ease into intense emotions and feel them fully, which helped me heal. It also empowered me as it made me feel not as codependent.

    Realizing that I was able to take care of myself during this incredibly painful time was a huge moment for me. Ultimately, it restored all of this self-love in me that I never knew existed.

    I suggest reading Kristin Neff’s book on self-compassion. I was able to grasp the concept just from this book. However, as someone who has been extremely hard on myself my whole life, it was difficult to be open to the idea at first and took a lot of practice.

    2. Get in touch with your feelings and body.

    I spent a lifetime repressing feelings not even understanding what they were. I now realize this is not okay.

    Our bodies are constantly filling us up with sensations trying to let us know what they feel and need. I’ve found that the more I try to identify my feelings, the closer I become to my intuition.

    Recently, I had to choose a new roommate and met with a ton of people. As I tried to get to know everyone, I made sure I became aware of the feeling that filled up inside me. I would notice warm yet powerful sensations, tightness, or nothing at all. After a while I began to trust those feelings and based my decisions off of them.

    It has also made me treat my heart and body with more respect, so I take better care of them.

    One time when I was working a lot I felt an illness coming on. After I came home that day, I listened very carefully to what my body needed to feel better. I ate whatever sounded good (sweet corn sounded like heaven, oddly enough), drank lots of water, took a bath, gave myself a ton of self-love, and went to bed super early.

    I felt amazing the next day.

    Meditation is also a great exercise for this that will heighten your awareness of any feelings that arise.

    3. Discover your values.

    We all have values, but do we ever really analyze what they are and why we choose some over others?

    I went through a list of values one day that I found online and highlighted the ones that spoke to me the most. I became so much closer to myself after establishing this.

    I discovered that I deeply value my physical and mental health, kindness, authentic connection with myself and others, and efficiency.

    It felt like I was rediscovering my identity. I simply allowed myself to embrace my authenticity and it felt amazing.

    4. Understand your needs and boundaries.

    Identifying my values led me to recognize what my needs are.

    Since I value my physical and mental health, taking care of my mind and body has become my number one need. I’ve come to learn that my mind and body are very sensitive, so I need to nurture them in order to maintain a healthy level of comfort.

    With that understanding, I essentially created a boundary for myself. I made sure I did my best to honor that need in most situations. Whether it meant missing a night out with friends to catch up on good sleep, avoiding pushing myself too hard at the gym, or taking a moment for myself to release any built up emotions.

    Once my needs were established, I had a better idea of what my boundaries are in work, in relationships, and with myself. Ultimately, it created an awareness of when my sense of identity was being challenged or reinforced.

    5. Avoid relying on external validation.

    This one takes practice and is where a lot of the steps I just listed get put to the test.

    We have such quick, easy access to external validation nowadays (Facebook, Instagram, anything with a “like” button). We often become confused on where the most important source of validation should come from.

    Lately, I’ve been making an effort to become conscious of when I get caught up in the desire for someone’s approval. I see it as an opportunity to check in with the status of my self-love. If I’m happy with who I am and am confident behind my decisions, I remind myself that I don’t need someone else’s approval.

    It’s a very empowering process.

    There are times, however, when I struggle with it, which is okay because it’s part of the human experience. I just try to be understanding and explore those insecurities.

    6. Recognize where the pain is coming from.

    This is one of the hardest steps. Take it slow. Be gentle. Start by being honest with yourself to see if you notice a behavior pattern that comes off in an unhealthy way (such as relying heavily on external validation). Try to identify the deeper reasons behind it and explore them.

    Once I understood that the way I was viewing my love interests was not healthy, I eventually realized it stemmed from a deep pain of neglect from my parents. From there, I began the process of breaking this pattern.

    Intense emotions will come up, but if you welcome them with open, loving arms (aka self-compassion!) you can ease into this process with a sense of safety.

    You might need help from another source such as a self-help book, therapist, or friend to identify the unhealthy habits.

    —

    Building a stronger relationship with yourself is an incredibly fulfilling and liberating process. It takes time, patience, and understanding. Try to go into it with an excitement and curiosity rather than an expectation.

    I’ve come to find that when you have a better sense of your identity, you become empowered. When you become empowered, you gain self-esteem. When you gain self-esteem, you are more driven to take better care of yourself. One thing always leads to another. 

    Most importantly, however, love and support from myself creates a happier me.

    Closeup of smiling woman image via Shutterstock

  • You’re Going to Be Okay

    You’re Going to Be Okay

    Man on a Bench

    “The mind is everything. What you think, you become.” ~Buddha

    “I will be okay,” I repeated to myself. “Deep breaths. You’re okay. Focus on the breath. I am going to be okay…”

    I was on a small plane flying over the Rocky Mountains of Colorado on a hot summer afternoon—a notoriously turbulent time to fly.

    I’m not afraid of flying. I do it a lot and it’s not something that makes me nervous, although the mantra could work perfectly well if I was. It does, for some reason, make me incredibly motion sick at times—scanning seatback pockets for white bags, sweaty forehead, trembling, white-faced…sick.

    I was flying alone, and thankfully there was no one in the other seat next to me. (The plane was only three seats wide, with the aisle offset in the middle.)

    I was glad to have personal space to sweat it out, bump by bump, mantra by mantra, coaching myself through, without having to tend to anyone else’s experience or reaction to my sickness.

    I knew I would be perfectly fine, ultimately. Like those times with a bad case of the stomach bug, the body’s reaction can be scary, or super uncomfortable at the very least. The severity feels primal, and one generally goes someplace deep inside and gets through.

    In this case, my mantra and the self-talk served as an anchor, a ray of hope, a deeply present champion who needed nothing from me. It was simply there, relaying meditative principles to my experience moment by moment.

    A few years later, I was going through the grieving process of saying goodbye to a relationship, riding waves of feeling sad, hurt, and alone, sometimes with gut wrenching strength. I wanted to reach out to him; I wanted to hear words I felt I needed to feel better, tell him how I wanted it to be, and then have that actually happen.

    I wanted control.

    It was done, and I hadn’t anticipated the ending script. My head and heart spun from hurt and unfulfilled dreams. So I began telling my story to friends and family, trying to help process the emotions, events, and logic.

    Sometimes it helped, others times it just hurt.

    As the emotions buffeted up and down like airplane turbulence, I always felt alone in the moments when the crescendo peaked then pressed me down into an unsteady whoosh.

    How was I happily engaged living life in the present one moment, then longing for connection, what had been, and feeling hurt, rejected, or confused the next?

    And how could I support myself better without just craving what had been or wanting another version of the story? I needed a mantra for those moments.

    A mantra is sometimes referred to as an “instrument for the mind.” The roots of man (mind) and tra (instrument) come from Sanskrit and can help us utilize the power of the mind to enter a place of healthy silence.

    In this space we can gain distance, perspective, and awareness from the stories that we tell ourselves about our lives and get wrapped up in.

    I think of mantras like yoga and church. (Go with me for a moment!)

    One can attend, soaking in the principles, morals, and lifestyle, and walk out the door not to return to that headspace until the next entrance to the building. Or, one can walk out the door taking the values into daily practice, and upon return, simply enrich the soul and fundamentals nourished from previous visits.

    I vote for integration and transference in all we do.

    On the plane, my mind would get caught up in a story such as, “How long is this going to last?!”and upon realization, I would come back to my mantra.

    Integrating mindfulness into more turbulent emotional times challenged my personal integration edge; after telling stories, feeling the emotions, and sometimes just trying to push them away, I walked back into the building.

    If I choose to stay attuned, present in my life, and committed to growth, I can honor the ups and downs and have the power to provide myself what I need.

    I am there. I can always be there—the constant, ever present voice in my life.

    It’s not that I don’t have good friends, loved ones, or a strong support system. I do. Most of the time they are probably best as the cherry on top, supplement, or supercharge to my own inner knowing.

    Imagine, what if you were always there for yourself, providing just what you needed, allowing your friends, family, and significant others to delightfully enrich your life?

    Coaching myself through living is more complicated than moments of seeing black spots, with sweat dripping off my face, sick as a dog on an airplane. But I believe I can—we can—learn and always become better supports for ourselves.

    At the very least we can be willing to search, learn, and try when we do not know.

    And in the end, for me, the mantra from the plane works, for heartache and quite a lot of other things. “I will be okay. Deep breaths. You’re okay. Focus on the breath. You are going to be okay.”

    Your mantra may sound different. My hope for you is to remember the instrument of your mind in times of smooth passage or turbulent flight, then sing, whisper, or chant yourself a perfect melody for the moment.

    Man on a bench image via Shutterstock

  • How to Boost Your Self-Esteem When You’re Insecure

    How to Boost Your Self-Esteem When You’re Insecure

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    When it comes to self-esteem, I’ve had a bumpy ride. Throughout my school life I was severely bullied and, consequently, I grew up intensely insecure and self-critical.

    I constantly measured my self-worth against the opinions of others, and when opinions weren’t forthcoming, I simply filled in the blanks by imagining the worst.

    By my twenties I measured my self-worth in terms of my popularity, how successful I was compared to my friends, my appearance, and my love life.

    If I had a bad hair day it was catastrophic—I instantly felt ugly, unlovable, and alone. Everything hinged upon my desire to measure up, and if I felt I wasn’t (which I usually did) I would berate and bully myself.

    It was as if there was this volcano inside of me simmering away with self-loathing that could burst into outright hatred at any time. Because I didn’t like myself, I was constantly searching for outside validation, someone else that could make me happy and whole again.

    Looking back, I think that’s why I found it so hard to be single. I hadn’t learned to like myself, so it made perfect sense that to be left in my own company would cause me unease.

    In 2009 it all came to a head when I had what can only be described as a catastrophic breakdown, or as I like to put it, breakthrough.

    I finally sought treatment for my trauma, which helped build my self-esteem. I was extremely privileged to have had access to world-class care; however, the steps I took to overcome my low self-esteem—the very same I share with you today—can be achieved by anyone with the aid of a notepad and pen.

    Step 1: Create a positive qualities record.

    The biggest step I took toward learning to love myself was to remind myself of the kind of person I could be.

    Shockingly simple, I know, but nevertheless challenging when you don’t like yourself very much. I remember struggling to think of positive qualities that I could honestly claim as my own and trying to silence my inner critic as it discounted each one I thought of.

    The more I persisted, the easier I recalled them, one by one. If you find it difficult at first, keep at it—trust me, it will pay off.

    Essentially, you are training your brain to look for evidence that supports a higher level of self-esteem, and this exercise is extremely effective. Aim to write down just fifteen positive qualities that relate to your character.

    As I re-read my list, I remembered I had qualities I liked and was proud of. The process of writing them down had reassured me that I had worth after all. I then went through the list and wrote down examples of when I had displayed those qualities.

    You don’t have to do this for all of your fifteen qualities. Simply pick your five favorite qualities from your list and note down the times when you have shown those traits to others.

    When I did this for my own positive qualities record, I really had to search for examples, but the sense of validation I felt was well worth it. I now had concrete evidence that I possessed the qualities I had attributed to myself—a powerful silencing tool for my inner critic!

    Step 2: Create an activity diary for achievements, fun, and relaxation.

    This step had the biggest impact upon my self-esteem by far. I was given instructions to list daily entries with an A (for Achievement), an F (for Fun), or an R (for Relaxation) besides each task or activity. I was also told to list small things for A’s to build up my confidence before listing bigger tasks.

    These simple instructions transformed how I saw my time and, most importantly, how I viewed self-care. No longer did I think of fun and relaxation as frivolous or insignificant. I now saw them as equally valid to tasks and an important use of my time.

    Day by day I ticked off the A’s, F’s, and R’s in my diary and almost immediately my confidence and self-esteem grew. I had a sense of achievement and inner pride from knowing I was practicing self-care and being productive. Moreover, my confidence in my capabilities grew tenfold.

    I started to have guilt-free fun and rediscovered the joy it brought. I learned what I found relaxing and I became calmer as a result.

    The truth is, these same benefits are available to you right now. All you need is a diary and a pen—nothing fancy—just something to write down two tasks each day. List one Achievement and either one Relaxation or one Fun activity. Then take pleasure in seeing your self-esteem rise.

    Step 3: Adjust negative core beliefs.

    The problem with core beliefs is that we believe them at our very, well, core. Unsurprisingly, one of my negative core beliefs was that I was unlovable. The first thing I did was to write it down and then challenge it to discover a more realistic, balanced core belief.

    It was hard at first, but after some time I came up with “I may not be perfect, but there are many people that love me and find me lovable.” This was definitely a more accurate and balanced core belief, and one I would do well to adopt.

    I then wrote the new balanced core belief at the top of a new page and below it drew two columns. On top of one, I wrote, “Evidence for New Core Belief—Past & Present” and on top of the other, “Evidence for New Core Belief—Future.”

    I then listed all the evidence for my new core belief to date.

    I listed all of the people who I knew loved me. I listed my positive qualities as lovable traits and examples when others had been loving toward me. In the second column I listed: noticing when people pay me compliments, paying attention to loving gestures, and making note of when people tell me “I love you.”

    The more I reflected on the evidence, the less I believed that I was unlovable and the more weight my new realistic and balanced core belief held. I suddenly felt lighter, relieved even, as if I had just woken up from a nightmare that now had no place in reality.

    By their very nature core beliefs are deeply rooted, but if you regularly look over the evidence you’ve written for your new balanced core belief, you too can overcome its grasp!

    —

    I’m happy to say that the insecure and self-critical years I spent in my twenties seem like a distant memory now. I’m kinder to myself. I’m more forgiving of my flaws and don’t equate them to my self-worth.

    Sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly confident, I even go out without make-up on—just to prove to myself I can and that I am more than the summation of my looks.

    What others think of me no longer bothers me in the way that it once did because I know that I am a loving, kind, generous person with a lot to offer people.

    As I write that, it sounds arrogant on the page, but that’s what I believe and that’s what my internal dialogue has become.

    Don’t get me wrong, my inner critic sometimes pops his ugly head up every now and again, but I now have a vast array of ammunition to throw at him.

    By following these steps you will accrue your own arsenal to throw at your inner critics so they too can be silenced and, as Thich Nhat Hanh would say, so that you can accept yourself—both wholeheartedly and completely, for the beautiful person you were born to be.

  • 10 Things to Stop Doing If You Want to Be Happy

    10 Things to Stop Doing If You Want to Be Happy

    “It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.” ~Dale Carnegie

    There was a time when I didn’t think I could ever be happy.

    I felt alone. I felt confused. And I felt overwhelmed.

    Luckily, that all began to change when I started looking inside. I discovered how I was the cause of my unhappiness.

    And I discovered what stood between me and enjoying life.

    Here are ten of the things I discovered:

    1. Neglecting yourself and your needs

    One of the biggest things was that I was ignoring what was right for me. I looked outside for the answers.

    I looked to friends and society to tell me how to live my life. It was too painful to discover what I needed, so I gave away my power and hoped that would solve everything.

    It didn’t.

    Eventually, I realized that no one really knows how to live a happy life. Some seem confident, but they don’t really know.

    Even the happiest of people go through dark times. When I began noticing what I felt drawn to do and what felt right for me, things began to change.

    It happened slowly. I wasn’t confident at first, but I began to listen to my inner GPS.

    2. Ignoring your inner GPS

    As I began listening to myself, I saw that I had an inner guidance system within me.

    I didn’t call it that then. It communicated with me through feeling. When something was right for me, I felt peace, joy, and curiosity inside.

    When something wasn’t right, it felt lifeless, dead.

    I began to see that trying to figure life out logically didn’t work, because my mind couldn’t foresee the future.

    The heart is what I would call my inner GPS. It nudges me through life, one moment at a time. I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I’m on the right track when I listen to my heart.

    3. Resisting darkness

    Life contains both dark and light.

    It sounds counterintuitive, but when you embrace the darkness, you open the door to the light.

    I’ve gone through some dark, depressive periods in my life. I used to resist them, a lot. Today I do it less.

    I know that it is through these dark times that I learn the most. I dive inside. I breathe it all in, and I notice what it is that’s making me quiver with fear.

    I investigate my internal reality and stay in the present moment.

    This is hard to do when I’m feeling down. I want to run away to food, movies, games, books, and anything but the darkness.

    But when I dive in, I see that the darkness is nothing but a virtual reality created by me. I look at the fear of not having enough, and I see that what I’m afraid of is a thought I choose to entertain.

    4. Saying ”no” to the now

    The more I try to escape the present moment, the more miserable I am.

    When I stay right here, right now, even the most ordinary tasks become extraordinary. Washing the dishes feels alive.

    But if I try to exchange the now for a future paradise, I live in a present hell.

    Being in the now, for me, is simply about noticing what’s here, right now. As I write this, I hear my fingers tap-tap-tapping away on the keyboard.

    I notice the hum of the electronics on my desktop, and I feel my body on the chair.

    And above all, I feel my feelings fully. I’m feeling a bit anxious as I write this. And that’s okay. It’s normal to feel anxious.

    5. Being afraid of making mistakes

    If I am afraid of making mistakes, I assume that I have something to lose.

    I also assume that there is a perfect way of doing something.

    Yet, I cannot know any of this. I don’t know if making a mistake helps me grow (which it often does). And I don’t know if making a mistake is the perfect path for me.

    You see, we live in our heads. We manufacture a reality that we then believe is real when it’s not.

    A hundred years from now, my mistakes won’t matter. What will matter (for me) is how much I loved and how much I enjoyed life.

    I’m human. You’re human. We make mistakes. That’s okay, as long as we’re honest with ourselves.

    6. Aiming for perfection

    I try to be perfect because I think it’ll bring approval from others, from you.

    And that approval will make me feel loved and feel good about myself.

    Yet, the act of trying to be perfect means dismissing myself. It means not loving who I am right now. It means not doing what I can with what I have.

    I have an image of what perfect is, and it always seems to be out of my reach.

    I’m striving to feel better, but the only thing I manage to do is to feel worse in this moment. When I notice the scam of perfection, I return to the present moment.

    I breathe. I do my best. And I follow my heart.

    This applies for staying in the present moment as well. I’m not in the now all the time. I try to accept whatever comes.

    7. Chasing happiness

    I often fall into the habit of chasing happiness.

    But to me, it’s more like I’m avoiding my feelings. I feel bad, so I want to be happy. I create an image of a future where I’m happy, and I long for it.

    I want it now.

    I think to myself, ”If only I had that, I could be happy.”

    Yet, that thought is the one keeping me stuck. The wanting happiness snatches me out of the present moment.

    When I let go of wanting to be somewhere else, I notice what’s right here. Sometimes it isn’t what I want, but even what I think I want is another thought.

    Each thought that says I need something else is an opportunity for me to stay in the present moment.

    8. Trying to control life

    I don’t control life.

    I control my reactions and actions but not much else.

    When I try to manipulate life, people, and places, I end up exhausted. It’s not my domain. It’s not up to me to control outcomes.

    All I can do is follow my heart, my inner GPS, and see what happens. I am a passenger in this body, on this blue planet of ours.

    I am here to experience both the good and the bad. I am here to learn and to grow. To cry and to laugh.

    9. Putting off your dreams

    Dreams are scary.

    It took me two to three years to muster up the courage to write about the things I truly wanted to write about.

    I was afraid of what you would think, what you would do. I was afraid of failing, of succeeding, of everything.

    Eventually, I realized that I could give in to my assumptions or I could take the next step and see what would happen.

    Luckily, I took the next step. And you know what? Nothing bad happened.

    I wrote. I told people about my work. My audience grew. And years later, here I am. Here you are, reading my words.

    My dreams began with one step, and so will yours.

    Stop waiting for a grand opportunity and notice the doors that are open now. It might only mean starting a blog that has ten readers or writing in your journal. But start somewhere.

    And start before you feel ready.

    10. Trying to fix others

    I used to think it was my responsibility to fix others, even if it meant forcing them to see things my way, and it compromised my happiness and theirs.

    I now let people travel their own path.

    You have mistakes you need to make. You have experiences to collect. I am not going to stand in the way of that.

    If you come to me for help, I will help, but I will not force my truth on you.

    I cannot control life, and I cannot control you. When I see that life will take care of itself, I have no need to control you.

    This has been especially hard with my loved ones, but I’m learning. I’m improving every day.

    There is no fixing, because I do not know what perfection is. If we are here to experience life, then perfection is experience.

    There are no mistakes, no blunders, and no pitfalls.

    There is only this moment.

    —

    There are many things I’ve learned during my life, but one of the main things is that we tend to take our thoughts too seriously.

    We tend to take life too seriously.

    I think that if I make a mistake, my dreams are ruined. But when I see the assumptions behind that sentence, and when I see that my dreams are a figment of my imagination, I am liberated.

    I remember that all I have to do, all I can do, is follow my inner GPS.

    I can only do what excites me, and life will take care of the rest.

  • 5 Things to Remember When You Start Worrying

    5 Things to Remember When You Start Worrying

    “Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.” ~Benjamin Franklin

    Have you every worried yourself to the point of emotional, even physical exhaustion?

    Do you often feel stuck, anxious, or mistrustful of the world around you?

    I know what it’s like to feel trapped by worry—in fact, I have always been a chronic worrier.

    I worried and obsessed mostly about the hypothetical, the imaginary, the infinite variety of “what-if” scenarios. Eventually, I convinced myself that if I worried about every conceivable thing that could go wrong in my life, I would either avoid them altogether or numb myself of their effects.

    As time went on and responsibilities increased, the worries intensified. I became anxious about raising my children well. I worried about money, career, and what people thought of me.

    Then one day, I experienced a mild panic attack. Feeling overwhelmed with all I needed to get done that day, I began to experience dizziness and intense feelings of fear.

    For a moment, I felt like I was living in an altered reality as my legs wobbled beneath me, and my heart pounded in my chest. I quickly found a private place to sit until the feelings passed.

    I knew this was a wake-up call. I needed to find ways to manage my worry and anxiety before it got worse.

    Over the years, I’ve found that embracing the following five truths stops worry from spiraling out of control:

    1. You are not your worry.

    For a long time, I did what most people who worry do—I tried to make it stop. I quickly learned that trying to block thoughts of worry was like trying to stop a river from flowing.

    I eventually learned a simple but profound truth that changed everything for me:

    You are not your emotions.

    This is the power of detachment. Not the detachment that tries to be stoic but the one that allows you to feel your emotions without identifying with them.

    I began to apply this by observing myself non-judgmentally as I worried. As I continued to observe myself, I learned to be at peace with my inability to stop worrisome thoughts. But I also learned that I could change my response to those worrying thoughts for the better. The same can be true for you.

    2. Worry cannot exist in the present.

    We rarely worry about problems we presently face. Worrying is a future-oriented activity fueled by uncertainty and anticipation.

    The truth of this realization was another game changer for me. As I reflected, I could see that all of my worries were about a future I could not control. What about the past? The only past events I worried about were the ones I feared would adversely affect my future.

    Want to avoid worry altogether? Stay in the now. I learned to do this through mindfulness meditation. A simple mindfulness technique is to focus on your breath when you begin to drift away from the present. Let each inhalation and exhalation ground you right where you are.

    3. Worry can be confined.

    If you’ve ever struggled with worry, you know that it can easily consume your entire day. This happened to me regularly. Once I learned to accept my worry, I decided to confine it rather than allow it free reign over my life. I would set aside a limited amount of time to allow my mind to worry intensely on its latest subject. At the end of that period, I would let it go.

    Want to confine your worry? Try scheduling ten to thirty minutes a day for worry. Use this time to visualize your anxious feelings, write them down, and come up with an action plan for dealing with the root causes of your worry. If the worry reappears outside this scheduled time, postpone it until the next worry period.

    4. You can give away your worry.

    Have you ever noticed that your worry intensifies the more you focus on yourself? In the past, I used my worry to draw myself inward. I focused on my own needs and ignored the needs of others. It rarely helped to reduce my worry.

    One of the things I learned by observing myself was my tendency to forget about my worries when I worried about other people and helped them with their needs. I let the onset of worry be a signal to call a lonely friend or spend time with a loved one. I learned to give my worry away.

    5. You are human.

    The greatest source of my worry was my attempt to be superhuman. I was trying to be all things to all people. I worried incessantly about what they thought of me. Instead of beating myself up for not living up to everyone’s expectations, I decided to embrace my limitedness. I cannot please everyone, and I am at peace with this truth.

    It’s Time to Take a Stand

    I know it might seem hard for you to integrate these tips, especially if, like most of us, you’ve struggled with a long-standing habit of coddling worry rather than openly challenging it.

    But you can break down this habit one step at a time. Imagine a life without the controlling effects of worry. A life where worry itself is controlled and confined. Imagine no longer being emotionally drained by worry so that you can be truly present to those you love.

    Stand up to worry. Today.

    Separate yourself from it. Confine it. And let it go.

  • Overcoming Approval Addiction: Stop Worrying About What People Think

    Overcoming Approval Addiction: Stop Worrying About What People Think

    “What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer

    Do you ever worry about what people think about you?

    Have you ever felt rejected and gotten defensive if someone criticized something you did?

    Are there times where you hold back on doing something you know would benefit yourself and even others because you’re scared about how some people may react?

    If so, consider yourself normal. The desire for connection and to fit in is one of the six basic human needs, according to the research of Tony Robbins and Cloe Madanes. Psychologically, to be rejected by “the tribe” represents a threat to your survival.

    This begs the question: If wanting people’s approval is natural and healthy, is it always a good thing?

    Imagine for a moment what life would be like if you didn’t care about other people’s opinions. Would you be self-centered and egotistical, or would you be set free to live a life fulfilling your true purpose without being held back by a fear of rejection?

    For my entire life I’ve wrestled with caring about other people’s opinions.

    I thought this made me selfless and considerate. While caring about the opinion of others helped me put myself into other people’s shoes, I discovered that my desire, or more specifically my attachment to wanting approval, had the potential to be one of my most selfish and destructive qualities.

    Why Approval Addiction Makes Everyone Miserable

    If wanting the approval of others is a natural desire, how can it be a problem? The problem is that, like any drug, the high you get from getting approval eventually wears off. If having the approval of others is the only way you know how to feel happy, then you’re going to be miserable until you get your next “fix.”

    What this means is that simply wanting approval isn’t the problem. The real issue is being too attached to getting approval from others as the only way to feel fulfilled. To put it simply, addiction to approval puts your happiness under the control of others.

    Because their happiness depends on others, approval addicts can be the most easily manipulated. I often see this with unhealthy or even abusive relationships. All an abuser has to do is threaten to make the approval addict feel rejected or like they’re being selfish, and they’ll stay under the abuser’s spell.

    Approval addiction leads to a lack of boundaries and ultimately resentment. Many times I felt resentment toward others because they crossed my boundaries, and yet I would remain silent. I didn’t want to come across as rude for speaking up about how someone upset me.

    The problem is this would lead to pent up resentment over time, because there’s a constant feeling that people should just “know better.” When I took an honest look at the situation, though, I had to consider whose fault it was if resentment built up because my boundaries were crossed.

    Is it the fault of the person who unknowingly crossed those boundaries, or the person who failed to enforce boundaries out of fear of rejection?

    Looking at my own life, I actually appreciate when someone I care about lets me know I’ve gone too far. It gives me a chance to make things right. If I don’t let others know how they’ve hurt me because of fear of rejection, aren’t I actually robbing them of the opportunity to seek my forgiveness and do better?

    This leads me to my final point, approval addiction leads to being selfish. The deception is that the selfishness is often disguised and justified as selflessness.

    As a writer, I’m exposed to critics. If I don’t overcome a desire for wanting approval from everyone, then their opinions can stop me from sharing something incredibly helpful with those who’d benefit from my work.

    Approval addiction is a surefire way to rob the world of your gifts. How selfish is it to withhold what I have to offer to others all because I’m thinking too much about what some people may think of me?

    As strange as it sounds, doing things for others can be selfish. On an airplane, they say to put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on a child. This is because if the adult passes out trying to help the child, both are in trouble.

    In much the same way, approval addiction can lead a person to martyr themselves to the point that everyone involved suffers.

    For instance, if a person spends so much time helping others that they neglect their own health, then in the long run, it may be everyone else who has to take care of them when they get sick, causing an unnecessary burden.

    Selfless acts, done at the expense of one’s greater priorities, can be just as egotistical and destructive as selfish acts.

    How to Overcome Approval Addiction

    The first way to overcome approval addiction is to be gentle with yourself. Wanting to feel connected with others is normal. It’s only an issue when it’s imbalanced with other priorities like having boundaries.

    What approval addicts are often missing is self-approval. We all have an inner critic that says things like, “You’re not good enough. You’re nothing compared to these people around you. If you give yourself approval, you’re being selfish.”

    You can’t get rid of this voice. What you can do is choose whether or not to buy into it or something greater.

    You also have a part of yourself that says, “You’re worthy. You’re good enough. You’re just as valuable as anyone else.” The question becomes: “Which voice do I choose to align to?”

    This often means asking yourself questions like, “Can I give myself some approval right now? What is something I appreciate about myself?” The next step is to then be willing to actually allow yourself to receive that approval.

    To break approval addiction, remember to treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.

    In much the same way, you can overcome approval addiction by equally valuing other important things, such as your need for significance and control. While wanting to control things can be taken too far just like wanting approval, it is the Yang to approval-seeking’s Yin. Both are necessary for balance.

    Questions that typically help me are: “Do I want other people’s opinions to have power over me? Would I rather let this person control me or maintain control over my own life?”

    Finally, there is the ultimate key to overcoming approval addiction. It’s by using the greatest motivator— unconditional love.

    Worrying about what other people think masquerades as love. In reality, when you really love someone, you’re willing to have their disapproval.

    Imagine a parent with a child. If the parent is too concerned about the child’s opinion of them, they might not discipline their child for fear of the child disliking them. Have you ever seen a parent who lets their child get away with anything because they don’t want to be the “bad guy?” Is this truly loving?

    To break approval addiction, I realized I had to ask one of the most challenging questions anyone could ask themselves: Am I willing to love this person enough to have them hate me?

    If you really care for someone, telling them, “You’re screwing up your life” and having them feel the pain of that statement might be the most loving thing you can do.

    This comes with the very real possibility they will reject you for pointing out the truth. However, if you love someone, wouldn’t you rather have them go through a little short-term pain in order to save them a lot of pain down the road?

    On the upside, many people will eventually come to appreciate you more in the long term if you’re willing to be honest with them and prioritize your love for them over your desire for their approval.

    If you have to share a harsh truth, a mentor, Andy Benjamin, taught me that you can make this easier by first asking, “Can I be a true friend?” to let them know what you’re about to say is coming from a place of love.

    —

    I’ve found that everything, including the desire for approval, can serve or enslave you depending on how you respond to it.

    Do you use your desire for approval as a force to help you see things from other people’s perspective, or do you use it as a crutch on which you base your happiness?

    Do you use your desire for approval as a reminder to give yourself approval, or do you use it as an excuse to be miserable when others don’t give you approval?

    Finally, are you willing show the ultimate demonstration of genuine love—sacrificing your desire for approval in order to serve another?

  • We Can Find Reasons to Be Happy and Grateful Every Day

    We Can Find Reasons to Be Happy and Grateful Every Day

    Couple Playing in the Snow

    “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” ~Charlie Chaplin

    Many people have told me throughout my life that I sound just like my mother when I laugh. I lost her to cancer when I was sixteen, over twenty years ago. I learned from her to laugh and laugh often, even through the toughest of times. “Happiness is a choice,” she always said.

    Life has thrown a few curveballs my way over the past five years and tried to test my ability to choose happiness and laughter. My husband, Eric, and I had just started talking about having children when the first wild pitch came our way.

    Early in 2010, Eric was diagnosed with cancer. I remember how I refused to cry in front of him or in front of anyone really. I remember how overwhelmingly sad, scared, and angry I felt. I also remember the first time we laughed after we found out.

    We were sitting on our couch watching TV, and something very funny came on and we both laughed. I can’t remember what it was. I just remember looking at him and feeling a bit surprised.

    I realized that it was going to be really important for us to keep laughing, and we did, often at times when most people would think we were nuts.

    We laughed at the crazy sound Eric made when he got sick (to put it politely) after chemotherapy. We laughed when I blew into his ostomy bag to make sure it was attached correctly (a very risky maneuver considering what could have come out of there.)

    We laughed hysterically when a nurse very inappropriately commented that our sex life would probably be a lot better once he had the surgery to get rid of the ostomy.

    Fast-forward a few years. Eric was healthy and we were ready to move forward in starting a family. We knew there could be some complications, but they turned out to be worse than we thought. Cancer treatments had made Eric sterile and it turns out that I had some issues too.

    We decided to try IVF with samples Eric had frozen prior to treatment and failed multiple times. Again, we ended up laughing when most people would think we were crazy.

    We laughed when my first embryo transfer turned into a show for about six interns (thank you teaching hospital).

    We laughed when we got a box full of hormones and needles that would make some people faint.

    We laughed ourselves to tears when an employee at CVS very inappropriately asked me if I was pregnant yet because she’d seen me buy so many tests.

    We decided after two rounds of IVF and one frozen embryo transfer that we were not going to do any more fertility treatments. We had discussed adoption before, and we both agreed that we wanted to become parents this way.

    We took a good bit of time to research and discuss our options and eventually agreed that open adoption was the path for us.

    Fast-forward about a year to today and to the event that inspired me to write this post. We are in “the wait” to be chosen by an expectant mother to become parents through open adoption.

    This is something that could take months or years. Every day we are hoping that this woman, who we already love, will find us through our agency and want to place her child, who we already love, with us.

    We bought a separate phone for our toll free number to make sure we never miss a call. Today, I heard it ringing in my office and a million thoughts ran through my head instantly. Could this be her, already, we’ve only been live for a month, how should I answer, will I sound stupid…

    I ran like the wind to my office and as I was picking it up to answer, my husband jumped out from under my desk and yelled, “It was me!”

    I could have been irritated that he scared me half to death. I could have been angry that he got my hopes up that we were getting “the call.” Instead, I chose happiness and we laughed—a lot!

    Laughter has kept us sane and grounded through very trying times. I’m so thankful that my mother taught me to choose happiness and that I married my best friend who makes this choice with me every day.

    Yes, there have been sad, scary and angry moments, but we have always been able to find our way to happy and hopeful, which will make “the wait” much easier.

    We are so thankful that my husband is healthy.

    We are so thankful that we have the ability and opportunity to become parents through this amazing and loving way to create a family.

    We are so thankful that we choose to be happy. We can’t wait to share our lives, love, and laughter with our child and to teach him or her to choose happiness.

    Just as my mother encouraged me, I will now encourage all who are reading this to find at least one moment during the day to really focus on what you are thankful for.

    Taking these moments to be grateful—especially on the days when being happy may seem impossible—can be just what you need to get through them.

    Through all of life’s up and downs, at the end of the day, it is simply amazing that we are here, and we need to appreciate and enjoy it!

    Couple playing in the snow image via Shutterstock

  • How To Design A Happier, More Fulfilling Life

    How To Design A Happier, More Fulfilling Life

    Happy Woman

    “Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it’s something you design for the present.” ~Jim Rohn

    A few weeks ago I found myself having a bad day. The frustrating thing was that on the outside everything was okay, nothing had explicitly gone wrong, but inside everything was a mess. It was one of those days where you’re in a constant battle with yourself.

    At the beginning of the year I saved up enough to be able to quit my job and focus on building my own online/writing career. But on this particular day I felt nothing but doubt.

    I couldn’t get my head straight, my creativity was drained, and with everything I attempted I came up against a mental block.

    In silent despair, I sank into my office chair and stared blankly across the room. As I gazed ahead, I looked at pictures from my travels stuck on the wall. Each was a reminder of good times I’ve had and things to look forward to in the future.

    To the left, Steve Jobs’ biography sat staring at me on the shelf. It’s tactfully put there, so that on days where I feel like I’m incapable of producing anything worthwhile, I get a reminder of what’s possible.

    I’ve recently been experimenting with incorporating things in my daily life to add extra inspiration. Things that give extra motivation when days are good and provide a weatherproof layer for the days when things aren’t going so well.

    If our routines and everyday life occur by chance, it’s unlikely that they set us up to have the happiest, most meaningful and productive days that we’re capable of. So I’ve started being deliberate in how I sculpt my days and routines. I guess you could call it happiness architecture.

    Of course, true lasting happiness takes practice. It’s a long-term commitment of expressing gratitude, being aware of our negative self-talk, and developing the ability to see the world around us with more optimism.

    So, while designing your days isn’t a quick fix for instant happiness, it’s a way to help cultivate a fertile environment for happiness to grow.

    Here are some of the things I’ve been toying with:

    Physical space

    The easiest place to start sculpting a happier life is with your physical space. Design your surroundings so they inspire you. This doesn’t mean you have to move to the Himalayas or to a villa beside the sea, but instead craft your current surroundings so they make you happier.

    The reason Disneyland is considered one of the happiest places on Earth isn’t by chance, but because around every corner is a Mickey Mouse, a Disney Princess, or another deliberately crafted inspiring moment. Craft your own daily Disneyland.

    This is the reason for my strategically placed biography of Steve Jobs. It’s the reason I drink coffee out of a mug that reads “Follow Your Dreams.” It’s the reason for the inspiring quotes and messages all over my walls and on the wallpaper of my computer.

    Have daily reminders of your goals dotted around the house. Surround yourself with plants, paintings, colors, and other visual elements that make you happy.

    Anything that can help ensure that not a single day goes by without some sort of visual kick-up-the-butt to inspire you to be happier.

    Little surprises

    You know the feeling when you find money down the back of the couch? Or when you find something that you totally forgot you had? What if you could manufacture your life to have more positive experiences like these?

    I’ve been experimenting with this too. I’ve tried setting random calendar notes or reminders for several weeks’ time, each with a short positive note or inspirational message to myself. Both add a nice surprise to the day when you receive them out of the blue.

    Perhaps order yourself a gift to arrive in the distant future and totally forget about it until it arrives. Or maybe leave hidden notes in completely random places all over the house.

    Get creative, because anything goes.

    Even better still, begin crafting these little surprises for others too. A couple of times a month think of somebody close to you and figure out a way you can help them.

    Maybe that’s with a call or a surprise visit. Maybe that’s a thoughtful gift or simply paying them a genuine compliment.

    The world needs more pleasant surprises.

    Company

    The people you spend time with can either raise or squander your energy and positivity. If you want to be happier, be deliberate in choosing who you spend your time with.

    I’m not the most extroverted of people, so who I’m spending time with can be the difference between me coming across as some crazy, passionate guy or a timid, bashful guy. The latter of which tends to leave me questioning myself—“What’s wrong with me?” “Why am I so quiet?”

    Very few of us are fortunate enough to be able to spend 24/7 around inspiring people who light us up, but we can craft opportunities to spend time with (or at very least call) somebody who inspires us a couple of times a week.

    We often default to whatever company is available to us, just to avoid being alone. We don’t pay any attention to how negatively that company might affect us.

    Be totally honest with yourself and ask: does spending time with these people make me come away feeling better or worse? If the answer is worse, then maybe it’s not worth it after all.

    Time

    Perhaps most importantly, we need to be very deliberate with how we spend our time. It’s so easy to fall into a routine and stay there no matter how counter-productive or negative it may be.

    I try to do something I’m passionate about every single day. For you, this could be taking an action that contributes toward a big goal, or maybe it’s knitting, playing an instrument, or another activity you love to do.

    You don’t have to spend long on it, but there’s a lot of satisfaction that can be had knowing that no matter how manic and stressful life may be, you are still working toward something that is meaningful to you.

    Make time to lose yourself in a book. Give yourself a sacred fifteen minutes every morning to savor and enjoy a steaming coffee.

    Make time to meditate, to enjoy the moment and to feel gratitude for all that you have.

    Dedicate a part of your day to going out into nature and noticing the sound of the birds, the crisp bite of the wind, or simply the gentle crunch of the leaves beneath your feet.

    Your time is the most precious thing in your life. Without it, nothing else could exist.

    Elimination

    With that in mind, just adding more positivity to our days will always have limited success without eliminating the negative too.

    I find it useful to eliminate the news from my life—I found that watching it caused me to see the world with so much more fear and negativity. That’s not to say I turn a blind eye to that which is happening in the world, but instead I choose to ignore the negative slander that the news puts on everything.

    Look at your own day and try to figure out what you can take out. What needs pruning?

    What routines or habits have you got that add nothing to your life—or worse, which ones actually have a negative effect?

    Maybe you find the traffic always leaves you angry on the way to work, so search for a different route instead. The road through the countryside may take you longer, but if it inspires you more and leaves you more positive, then it’s time well spent.

    Take the time to notice the other stressors in your life. Which of these can you remove completely? And if you can’t remove them, how can you reduce their impact?

    —

    Life is short. We all have a limited time here, so it’s so important that we’re deliberate in how we use it. That means being intentional and designing our lives to leave us as happy and fulfilled as possible. Don’t leave that up that chance.

    Woman jumping on the beach image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Vital Lessons for People Who Feel Like They’re Not Good Enough

    5 Vital Lessons for People Who Feel Like They’re Not Good Enough

    Sad Woman Behind Bars

    “What if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you fly?” ~Erin Hanson

    Like most people, my life has had its share of ups and downs.

    My household growing up could be best described as a roller coaster. There were times of excitement and happiness, then there was the plummeting into darkness, shame, and self-loathing.

    Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I felt that I was a mistake, unloved, and unwanted by my father. His mood swings and verbal abuse would come raging like a storm without any warning, and without any end in sight.

    He often told me that I wasn’t good enough and that I was the reason for all of his problems.

    I was often frightened to go home and face him. When my mother would have to go out of town, I would insist on staying with a friend because I didn’t feel safe being alone with him.

    I was extraordinarily lucky to have such a warm and loving mother that provided me the love and support I needed to keep going. Despite all of her good intentions and love, though, I still found myself falling into a deep hole of depression and severe anxiety.

    Some of the happier times that I remember from my childhood were the years that I was in gymnastics. It made me feel alive and free to express myself.

    However, that too slowly led to destruction, as soon I began competing. My obsessive need to please others caused me such significant levels of anxiety that I decided to quit. I was only twelve, and my dreams of becoming an elite gymnast were over. 

    Though it was a good decision to move on from that life, I was still left with this feeling of shame because I couldn’t mentally handle the pressure. I felt that I had let everyone down, including myself.

    Also, without this release, my anxiety levels continued to increase, leaving me feeling on edge and awkward in my social interactions.

    As I entered adolescence, I found it harder and harder to put myself out there, in fear that others would judge me. I worried that they would think I wasn’t good enough, cool enough, skinny enough, smart enough, or pretty enough.

    I eventually created this hard exterior to prevent people from getting in and knowing the real me.

    I believed for a long time that this wall was there to protect me; however, all it did was prevent me from building relationships with others, or even a relationship with myself.

    For many years I self-medicated in various ways to deal with the pain and to allow myself to let my guard down just enough to find a solid, small groups of friends.

    It wasn’t long before I became so depressed and anxious that my family doctor put me on medications to “fix me.” They numbed me so much, though, that I medicated myself on top of that to feel alive, which of course was a recipe for disaster.

    After years of taking these medications, I couldn’t function without them. I’m became so desperate to feel alive that I took myself off of them cold turkey. This was not a pleasant experience. I went through a period where I secluded myself away from my friends and family and fell back into old habits.

    I eventually managed to pull myself out of that hole after some intense therapy and self-reflection; however, I still struggled daily with my depression and anxiety.

    Fast forward several years, after I graduated from my Masters program, and I found myself happily married, spending time with my close knit friends again, and working daily on myself.

    I had finally cut out everything negative in my life except for chain-smoking cigarettes, and then I became pregnant with our first child.

    My husband and I were ecstatic, but making that final step to quit smoking so suddenly threw me for a loop. Since it wasn’t just me now, I made the decision to try something new, yoga.

    At first it was hard, boring, and frustrating. I didn’t get it. I kept going, though, and about the time I was six months pregnant I was finally getting the hang of it.

    I didn’t just like it; I loved it! It has been just over five years since I walked into that first yoga class, and I am so thankful for everything it has taught me.

    Here are the top five ways that I believe yoga has saved my sanity. It taught me that:

    1. Practice makes progress.

    For someone that struggles with perfectionism, this mantra has been a lifesaver.

    When I first started my practice, I felt frustrated because I couldn’t make my poses look like the advanced yogis in the room. The reality was that those yogis didn’t accomplish those moves in their first class. It took time, patience, and self-acceptance to get there, and those poses could continue to progress from there.

    There is no such thing as perfect but rather always room for growth. Striving for perfection is a no-win battle in all aspects of life, for perfection is a defining wall that we create in our own minds.

    2. We have to acknowledge our own successes.

    I have never been one to take compliments well. I doubted them and worried that they were insincere.

    Even as I became stronger in my practice, I didn’t feel secure enough to attempt difficult poses in a class full of people. I feared that someone would find flaws in them or think I was a show-off.

    It wasn’t until about a year ago that I finally decided to just go for it. Since I made that leap, I have been able to grow so much more in my confidence and praise for myself.

    If you can’t be proud of yourself, how can you expect others to be?

    3. We need to surround ourselves with positive, happy people.

    Ever heard of the phrase “You become who you surround yourself with”?

    The yoga community is filled with joy, support, and kindness everywhere you turn. Although I am still not the most outgoing or social person, I embrace the positive energy every day when I am in a yoga class.

    Everyone there has come there for a purpose—to better themselves. We all have our own stuff going on in our lives, but have taken a moment to come together and to take care of ourselves.

    4. We can conquer our fears.

    The first time I saw someone in crow pose, I convinced myself that I could never do something that difficult. I just knew I would fall on my face and everyone would laugh at me. I resisted even attempting it because I was scared of failure.

    The thing is, though, sometimes we have to fall to then pick ourselves back up and try again.

    Once I started practicing and finding success, I become braver every day on my mat and found that I could, in fact, accomplish much more than I ever believed I could. We are stronger than we think we are.

    5. It’s okay to let ourselves be vulnerable.

    There is a moment at the end of every yoga class when you lie on your mat in shavasana, with your eyes closed, and just breathe.

    The idea of surrendering yourself in a room full of strangers is terrifying. This pose has taken me forever to feel comfortable in. It taught me that it is okay and actually good for the body and mind to let it all go and just be. This is when you can find peace within yourself.

    —

    It has now been twenty years since I quit my gymnastics career, and I have finally found something that has allowed me to get that same sense of freedom that I once felt as a child.

    I know that every day after I finish my yoga class, I have let go of the enormous amount of tension that I constantly carry with me, and I feel content, relaxed, empowered, and proud of myself for what I have just accomplished.

    I truly believe that yoga has saved my sanity and taught me how to love and respect myself. But you don’t need to go to a yoga class to learn these lessons. You can make the choice to let go of the pressure, tackle your fears, and celebrate yourself for being bold, brave, and vulnerable.

    Sad woman image via Shutterstock

  • Changing Your Life Story and Finding Your Happy Ending

    Changing Your Life Story and Finding Your Happy Ending

    Change Your Story

    “Maybe it’s not about the happy ending. Maybe it’s about the story.” ~Unknown

    For the longest ever time, I had no idea what my own story was.

    Desperately uncomfortable in my skin as a child, I was equal parts pathologically shy with strangers and fearless with my sisters and brother, running wild over the boulder-strewn southern California land during summers.

    As a young girl, I was also, more than once, the target for predators and perps.

    The nameless elementary school janitor who invited me into his dark and dirty closet one day. The terrifying neighbor who stopped me in a deserted alley when I was eleven or twelve. Strange grown-ups who pulled over to the curb as I walked alone, asking if I wanted a ride.

    My own grandfather.

    The fairy tale about living in a safe world, where adults care for their young ones as precious flowers, quickly became a horror story filled with monsters and demons. There wasn’t a hero in sight.

    Maps and Masks

    As Dr. Lewis Mehl-Madrona says, in Healing the Mind Through the Power of Story, “Brains use stories to make maps of the external world…” The map my brain made of the world was that adults were dangerous, bad things were normal, and secrets were the glue that held everything together.

    I became masterful at wearing culturally acceptable masks in order to keep everyone at a safe distance, as well as to gain whatever conditional approval was available.

    There was great relief in school. I was good at playing by the rules. Good at the linear academic part. Good as a people-pleasing little girl.

    And truly, my life wasn’t all bad. There were good friends, lots of laughter, and an unspoken and unbreakable solidarity with my sibs—enough to start carefully making my way out into the larger world.

    But, amongst all the craziness of so many mixed messages, I simply could not hear my own story. Who was I? Where was my place? What experiences and choices were mine?

    The Chandeliers Are Shaking

    The first adult job I loved—in the public relations department of the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra—became a magical portal into a world I’d only dreamed about. A glittering world where grown-ups were world-class musicians, and sparkling dinner party companions.

    In my little VW bug, I drove Simon Rattle (now Sir Simon, famed music director of the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra); the late, great violinist Isaac Stern; jazz legend Dizzy Gillespie; and many others to interviews and lunches.

    The best Happy Birthday ever sung? It was at a private party in a downtown hotel, sung by the entire cast of the opera Falstaff, gathered from all over the world for what turned out to be a critically acclaimed run. The chandeliers were shaking for real that night.

    I found myself in a universe filled with adults who seemed to be effortlessly living happily ever after—everything I wasn’t.

    The problem? It seemed as though everyone drank, except me.

    Still excruciatingly shy, I had zero social skills. (It’s hard to learn how to use the proper cutlery when eating at Taco Bell, back in the day when our family took advantage of the Friday-night special—six tacos for a dollar— if there was enough money.)

    I wanted what I thought those grown-ups had. My competitive nature kicked into high gear. The solution? Start drinking, of course.

    Unbelievably enough, a handsome and powerful young prince fell in love with me. He was a major player in that shimmering universe.

    I learned to keep up with him, drink for drink, and everyone else with whom we socialized. I learned to sparkle, too.

    It’s Okay—Go Back to Sleep

    Oh, the extremely fancy shindigs, with bottles and bottles of wines and cognac and scotch worth hundreds of dollars each! Glittering black-tie parties with incredibly accomplished stars, and the people who wanted to sit next to them.

    I drank on the West coast; in the rarified air of Aspen, where we’d moved; in New York City. All the way across Europe, during fabulous trips that included the most exclusive backstage visits at La Scala in Milan and Amsterdam’s Concertgebouw. Always followed by uber-hip late-night suppers.

    Boy, I was really living my story now, wasn’t I? You bet! I hadn’t thought about that elementary school janitor in years.

    See? All better now. There aren’t any monsters in the closet. Go back to sleep.

    Except that I began having trouble managing the hangovers. It got harder to ignore the way I felt every time I lied to the local wine storeowner, buying case after case, saying it was for parties at our house, when really, it was just for me.

    Blessedly, I finally got to the point where I couldn’t stand myself anymore. I undertook the excruciating work of beginning to get real. To start living from my own story rather than anyone else’s.

    Utter Misery, Anyone?

    It took a long time. Can I just tell you?! There are parts of the heroine’s journey that are truly, absolutely miserable.

    But never, not once, was there a time that learning to get, and stay real, felt worse than needing to finish a bottle of wine, by myself, every night.

    Honestly? The traumatic experiences as a child, my journey into addiction and back out into recovery— healing the sacred wounds—all became the magic carpet ride leading to my life’s work.

    Which has been to re-claim my story for myself. To understand how to live my own truth. To create enough space for my story to live me.

    See, it’s not that life is so short but rather that it is that it’s so precious. We create our happy endings by choosing consciously, each day, which story we’re living.

    Am I a too-wounded animal, never able to walk with dignity and pride? Do I trust that the world is a safe and loving universe? Is there enough support for me to fly as I’m meant to? Where did I put those wings, anyway?!

    Finding Your Happy Endings Within Your Stories

    Use simple mindfulness to hear the story you’re telling about your experiences.

    Regular people experience horrible things every day. Malala Yousafzai, the Pakistani teen shot by the Taliban for refusing to quit school, was just awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, in part because of how she’s told her story. It’s one of love and forgiveness rather than hatred and revenge.

    Notice what story you’re telling yourself about why you’re stuck.

    “Another glass of wine? Sure, it’s been a rough week/year/life. I deserve it!” or, “This job is good enough,” or, “That person isn’t really a bully,” or, “I’m okay. I can handle it. I don’t need any help.”

    Please, find a trained professional to help if you think you’re pretending just a wee bit too much that all is well when it isn’t.

    Look within the stories you’ve been telling yourself and everyone else for the happy-ending possibilities.

    Don’t see any? Here’s the secret: you can write your own stories, which creates new maps in the brain. Explore, play, pretend there may be another way to describe your experiences. It can actually be a lot fun. Who do you want to be? What life do you want? Go!

    Fear is everything. Until it isn’t. Until we understand that it’s all in our minds.

    Neuroscience research is full of studies showing how much control we have over shifting brain states, and cultivating a positive mindset. Who’s in charge, you, or the fear? You get to choose.

    The happy endings are found within our stories. And we get to write those stories. Even further, we must live the most magnificent version of our stories. That’s what each of us is here to do.

    Man throwing papers in the air image via Shutterstock

  • How To Calm Your Worries by Admitting What You Don’t Know

    How To Calm Your Worries by Admitting What You Don’t Know

    Woman Arms Up

    “Most things I worry about never happen anyway.” ~Tom Petty

    There was once a wise farmer who had tended his farm for many years. One day his horse unexpectedly ran away into the mountains. Upon hearing the news, the farmer’s neighbors came to visit. 

    “How terrible,” they told him.

    “We’ll see,” the wise farmer replied.

    The next morning, to the farmer’s surprise, the horse returned, bringing with it three wild horses.

    “How wonderful. You are very lucky,” the neighbors exclaimed.

    “We’ll see,” replied the farmer.

    The following day, the farmer’s son tried to ride one of the wild horses. The horse was untamed and the boy was thrown and fell hard, breaking his leg. 

    “How sad,” the neighbors said, offering sympathy for the farmer’s misfortune.

    “We’ll see,” answered the farmer.

    The next day, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.

    “We’ll see,” the farmer said.

    This Zen story demonstrates the wisdom of not jumping to conclusions. Have you ever worried about something, only to later discover that your worry was unfounded and untrue? The ego is afraid of the unknown, so it jumps to conclusions in order to feel a sense of certainty.

    In our ego’s need for certainty, we make assumptions. And when we make assumptions, we make mistakes.

    We can never know how the future will unfold. Yet fear convinces us to believe in present circumstances and future outcomes that are totally untrue. This is the origin of worry. Worry is the ego’s way of satisfying itself with an answer—any answer, no matter how irrational it is.

    I worry about many things, big and small. I worry about getting stuck in my career, being rejected in my relationships, not having enough money, and whether or not I will miss the next subway into Manhattan.

    But worry is dangerous. When we worry, we make mistakes. For example, I might make an assumption about you, such as thinking you are angry with me. Then I act on this assumption.

    The false premise of my actions causes me to become defensive. My actions then cause you to make an assumption about me. Since you are unable to see that I am trying to protect myself, you assume I am angry with you.

    Soon we are engaged in mutual anger based on a false assumption caused by worry.

    The truth is, I will never know fully what is in your head, and you will never know fully what is in mine. Therefore, acting under the ignorance of assumption creates a ripple effect of mistakes.

    Imagination + Fear = Worry

    It is common in our society to believe that more thinking is always better. This is not always so. Intelligence is an incredible tool, but over-thinking can be just as harmful as under-thinking. Over-thinking is a sickness that creates paranoia and worry.

    When we over-think, we make up scenarios in our mind and convince ourselves that these scenarios are true.

    Without enough data to make a proper assessment of a situation, our ego hijacks our imagination and jumps to fear-based assumptions. Imagination is usually a powerful creative force, but when imagination is applied with fear, it becomes worry.

    The Universe works in mysterious ways. Embracing the mystery of life gives us a calm within the storm of uncertainty.

    Instead of over-thinking and jumping to false conclusions, learn to relax your thoughts and say, “I don’t know.”

    Trusting uncertainty gives us peace and confidence; and when we wait in stillness without the need for an answer, the truth will reveal itself. The end of fearing the unknown is the end of worry.

    Worry is wishing for what you don’t want.

    Thoughts are magnets that attract our reality. Peaceful thoughts create a peaceful reality. Fearful thoughts create a fearful reality.

    A thought repeated on a regular basis becomes a habit. When a thought becomes a habit, it forms a belief. When a thought forms a belief, it attracts external events that align with your internal state.

    Energy flows where attention goes. When you focus on what you want, it is more likely to come to pass. When you focus on what you do not want, it is more likely to come to pass. When you worry, you send a signal into the Universe that attracts your worry. Your focus over time forms your future.

    Will a single thought of worry cause your worry to come true? Probably not. Will sustaining your worry with attention and focus over a long period of time attract the worry into your life? The more you focus, the more likely it becomes.

    Because focus forms your future, it is important to only concentrate on thoughts you want to actualize.

    Your reality grows from the seeds you plant. The seeds of your beliefs grow into your thoughts. The seeds of your thoughts grow into your actions. The seeds of your actions grow into your karma.

    You are responsible for the seeds you plant, not the results. When you place your attention on the present moment, without attachment to the past or worry about the future, and plant seeds according to your highest intentions, the results will fall into place.

    Worry is an irrational attachment to, or fear of, a specific result. While it sounds counterintuitive, the only way you can achieve a desired result is by not focusing on the result; you must focus on your effort—here and now.

    You cannot change what is already growing. Instead, start planting different seeds.

    We’ll see.

    I still worry. But now, whenever my ego gives me something to worry about, I take a deep breath and meditate in silence for a moment.

    I sit in stillness and reassure myself. “I don’t have enough data to understand how this event will impact my future,” I say. “Perhaps there is a plan in place that I cannot see. I don’t know what will happen next and that is perfectly okay. I will not jump to conclusions. Let’s wait and see what happens.”

    Woman and the sky image via Shutterstock